Wicked Games
by blackmadonna909
Summary: Complete A/U: "But then you came along, like an angel sent from heaven and if I hadn't been such an ass back then I actually could have used this pick-up line on you 'Hey beautiful, did it hurt when you fell from heaven' because…you're my angel… Fuck, I love you so much, Pipes, I almost love you more than I love myself."
1. Lonely Star

_Alright so, I don't really know what this is, ha. I guess that's what happens when you're too invested in certain things.  
Anyways, I've been having this story on my mind for quite some time and I don't know if it's good or bad or horrible or if anybody wants to read I thought it was worth a shot and yeah... To my readers of my other Fic. Don't worry, I didn't abandon it, I'll post a new chapter this weekend.  
_

 _Xx_

* * *

 _Chapter 1: Lonely Star_

 _Blood_ that would roll over her swollen lips and would drip from her nose and would wake her up at night.

 _Sweat_ that would trickle from her hairline and down along her forehead.

 _Tears_ that would not fall from her emerald eyes because she didn't know pain.

At least not this kind of pain. Punches could be as hard as possible and yet she would take them nevertheless. _Without a whimper. Without flinching. Without breaking down._ People would call her animalic. Because no human being was capable of suffering such physical pain. People would call her a fucking asshole. Because no human being but her had this cocky smirk and this arrogant confidence. People would call her a legend. Because although she didn't die yet she already was someone who would never be forgotten. _But who cares what people think?_ Alex Vause certainly didn't. She once had cared. When she had been a little, innocent girl from Jersey who had been a nobody. Who had been laughed at. Who had been bullied. Who had early been introduced to reality.  
 _Appearance and reality._ Such funny concepts. Because in the end it was all about what people wanted to see and wanted to believe and what they wanted to know and what they wanted to hear. But today, Alex Vause couldn't care less. A life in the spotlight wasn't really what she had intended in the first place.  
Maybe she wanted to prove to all those goddamn stuck-up bitches from her childhood and all those other goddamn people that had made her life unnecessarily hard once that she actually was somebody. That although all those goddamn people hadn't seen something in her, she actually had found something in her. That although all those goddamn people hadn't believed in her, she didn't need them because all that mattered was that she believed in herself. And all those goddamn people hated it so much, that they loved it.

 _Love and hate. As opposing and unfitting things could seem to be, as equal and fitting they actually were. Without Yin, there was no Yang. Without darkness, there was no light. Without love, there was no hate. And without Alex Vause, there was no Piper Chapman._

 _Jealousy_ that would fill people when they would see her angelic face on all magazine covers in the whole world.

 _Attraction_ that people would feel and that would become present in their eyes when they would look at her.

 _Perfection_ that she learned to represent with her eyes, with her golden hair, with her slim body and learned to sell perfectly.

At least people believed that Piper Chapman was perfect. And that was what she wanted them to believe. Because she knew that she wasn't. But if others did believe that she was this perfect, flawless, divine angel, Piper Chapman believed it for a second, too. That effect was proof enough that she was the best at her job. She sold herself so well, so convincing, that she even fooled herself. It was no miracle that her life had changed within less than 24 hours when someone had discovered her like she had been a new continent and had made her the most wanted woman in the whole world. Girls looked up to her. Women wanted to look like her. Men would cut their arm off to touch her. The world was her oyster. And she was more than aware of it. She cared so much about what others thought of her, that she kind of lost herself. She believed what others saw in her. She believed what others said about her. She didn't need to believe in herself because others already did. She didn't need to love herself because others already did. And this was slowly and sweetly ruining her. And sometimes, sometimes she was aware of it. And when she was, she instantly pushed this realisation down again and buried it deeper than before, fearing that it would rise back to the surface. Because in the end, it was all about what you wanted people to see and what you didn't want them to see. And because she was seen every day and everywhere, _Piper Chapman had to care_. About what people thought of her, what people said about her, what people liked about her, what people saw in her. The day she entered this world that was so superficial and cruel, _she sold her soul. And lost herself._ And who would've thought that darkness would lighten her own world. _Who would've thought that hate would make her feel love._

 _Love and hate. As opposing and unfitting things could seem to be, as equal and fitting they actually were. Without Yin, there was no Yang. Without darkness, there was no light. Without love, there was no hate. And without Alex Vause, there was no Piper Chapman._

And both women would realise this soon enough.

Their contrary worlds met when Alex was in her corner of the ring in Madison Square Garden. Round 4, there was only one more left. "Where is your fucking defence, huh? You'll lose your damn eye!". Blood rolled over her swollen lips that dripped from her nose and from above her left eye. Sweat trickled from hairline down along her forehead. Tears that would not fall because she didn't know pain. _But rage_. She felt rage. It was her fuel. It was her incentive. Rage that had been bottling up ever since her childhood and that she hadn't been able to let out. But now she could let this excess out that turned her into this machine. And sometimes, sometimes she wondered if she was ever going to run out of it. Her heart was beating in every single inch of her body. Her lungs craved for almost more oxygen than she could get. And that was always the moment her adrenaline kicked right into her blood and rushed through her veins. Another excess she was fond and afraid of. And when her head turned to the right, her blood filled eyes spotted another excess she was going to hate and love. Their contrary worlds met. And ever since this very moment until the world would stop spinning, there would be _no Piper Chapman without Alex Vause._

"Alex! Are you even listening? What the fuck do you think you're doing out there, huh? Are you a fucking masochist?! Do you enjoy to be beaten the fuck up?! … ALEX!" her trainer yelled again and the brunette eventually took her blurry vision off of the woman in the audience and turned her head reluctantly to the fierce, red-haired woman. _Fuck, those punches made her feel dizzy_ , she realised.

"I swear I'll drag you out of this damn cage with my bare hands if you keep getting fucked over like this."

"Fuck off, Red," Alex mumbled whilst the russian woman was staring at her deadly.

"There she is."

Red slapped her face twice lightly before she pointed her index finger at her and raised one brow.

"Now carry this attitude with you and end this goddamn charade. It's getting embarrassing."

Damn this red-haired woman knew how to add fuel to the fire. Alex Vause was no loser. Not anymore. Alex Vause was not someone to be made fun of. Not anymore. She clenched her jaw, balled her hands to fists and spitted out the water she just drank that was mixed with her blood into the bucket. _Fuck her rival. Fuck everyone. Fuck the whole world._

Round 5. The final round. And Alex finished her rival before the round was over.

* * *

"I can't believe you brought me here, Polly."

"Oh, Piper, shut up. It's not like I forced you to come with me."

Sharp-eyed, Piper replied, "Uh, you actually did. Remember? You blackmailed me."

"Stop whining, Pipe, trust me you'll love it."

"What? Seeing women beating the shit out of each other? Hell yes it turns me on on so many levels."

(Well, one certain woman definitely was going to turn her on on so many levels.) The two friends took their seats in the third row, having one of the best views.

Polly sighed before she explained, "You know exactly that I wouldn't have asked you if Pete didn't need to visit his parents. I mean I bought these tickets for him!"

"Yeah and we are here instead of him."

"God Piper," Polly just groaned and looked around.  
"Don't you think that you being here benefits you in some way?"

The blonde huffed, she definitely knew a thousand other places she rather wanted to be.

"And how would that benefit me?"

"Hello? You're the fucking supermodel at the moment and when these annoying asshole paps publish these photos they just took of us tomorrow, you'll stay in the spotlight."

"Do you actually listen to yourself? Like, when you speak?"

"You know I'm right."

Piper just shook her head and blinked her eyes. Although she had gotten used to being 'in the spotlight', those camera flashes still messed up her eyes.

"Who's fighting anyways?"

"Lightweight champion Alex Vause defends her title against uh, what was her name again? Stella… Carter, Carlin… Something like that. It's a title bout."

"Ah," Piper just responded and leaned back into her seat. She rested her elbow on the armrest and cupped her face in her hand. Alex Vause. She heard a shit load of this woman who was probably the fucking supermodel in her league. And she mostly didn't hear good things about this woman.

 _Doping rumours._  
 _Drug scandals._  
 _Affairs._

She watched her from afar, almost observing her as if she tried to see if those things they kept saying about this dark-haired woman were true. _Soon enough, she would find out._

* * *

"Shit, Vause, the moment you knocked her the fuck out, that dingo's head was literally rolling over the floor. That was fucking smooth. Still, you kept me waiting. I was almost scared that I backed the wrong horse."

"Shut up, Nicky," Alex said to her friend laughingly as they entered her cubicle.

Again, Alex won. She was still the unbeaten champion. She sat down on the bench, waiting for her crew to come in. They took of her boxing gloves,  
stitched her up whilst she just leaned back and waited for her trainer to speak.

"You have to stop fighting like this. Or whatever this is you think you're doing."

"What? I won, didn't I?"

At the brunette's response, her crew cheered up except the fire-haired woman.  
"Yeah you won but you also lost some braincells out there and I think you need them really bad."

"Jesus, Red, can't you be happy for once?"

"I can't if you keep getting fucked over like tonight. What the fuck were you doing out there, huh? This is NOT how I trained you! Did your brain really shrink this much that you forgot the things I've taught you?! Fuck, are you already suffering from dementia?!"

Alex knew that Red was right. This fight tonight wasn't glorious. And although she won, she had taken more hits than she had dished out. Her face was the best proof.

"And look at your fucking nose. It's bleeding, as always. And you've been out of the cage for what, fifteen minutes now? And it's still bleeding."

"You know the reason for it."

"Yeah it's your reckless way of fighting. You've got two hands, don't you? So use them. Have you ever heard anything about defence, huh? Protection, are you familiar with it? It's a synonym for defence."

"Damn, Red, you're getting on my fucking nerves."

"Good, that means some of them are still in working order."

When Alex groaned again, Red gave everyone a piercing look and said, "Leave us alone."

They did as they were told and Red was alone with her protégée. She kneeled down in front of her and placed her hands on the brunette's knees.

"I'm just worried about you, Alex. I don't like seeing you get hurt like that. I know you don't care what anyone thinks about you but please mark my words. Don't be this reckless."

Eventually, Alex met her gaze and her expression softened. She pressed her lips together and nodded her head. "I know, Red," she nearly whispered and a tiny smirk found its way on her face.

Red returned her look for a second before she slapped Alex's face lightly when she got up.

"What was that for?" Alex exclaimed and watched Red walking towards the door.

The older woman turned around, pointing her finger at her and explained, "I could've been home by now. That was for keeping me awake this late at night."

Alex let out a raspy chuckle and shook her head as she saw her mentor go. And when she stood up, the ache rushed through her whole body as the adrenaline eventually left her system. The iron taste on her lips reminded her that her nose was still dripping blood. Alex grabbed the already blood-stained white towel and pressed it against her nose.

"Press conference in 20 minutes," one of her crew members informed her and disappeared again.

"Fuck," she cursed under her breath and carefully took her clothes off as she walked into the shower.

* * *

"So, tell us. Did you enjoy the fight? Do you think Alex Vause deserved to win tonight?"

"Yeah I was definitely having a good time. It went down to the wire."

"We didn't expect to see someone like you at such an event."

"Me neither," Piper charmingly responded to the interviewer and made him laugh.

 _Fucking professional_. Piper knew perfectly how to avoid questions she didn't want to answer. _Red carpets, interviews, cameras, microphones, paparazzi, fake people_. Those were the main things Piper had to get used to in a short amount of time. And if she hadn't been this perfectionist she was, she would've failed to do so.

When the fight was over, the blonde and Polly were invited to the after party. And of course, they didn't say no. In her slim, white suit that fitted her body perfectly and was ripped at the right spots, Piper and her best friend strolled out of the arena, making their way through the crowd to their saloon car.  
And the moment she was seen outside of Madison Square Garden, the paps leaped at her. So, they picked up their pace as they were surrounded by photographers and newsmen. Although her bodyguards pushed them aside, it was claustrophobic nevertheless.  
But Piper wouldn't have been Piper if she didn't answer some questions on the way to the car.

When they finally stepped into the car, hidden from the camera flashes and pushy people, Piper exhaled deeply and felt an intense stare on her face.

"What?" she nonchalantly asked her friend.

Piper could nearly hear Polly's smile in her response. "Nothing."

Eventually, the blonde turned her head to look at the woman next to her and eyed her suspiciously.

"I know why you wanna go to the after party," Polly confessed.

A soft chuckle escaped Piper's mouth and she shook her head.

"Wow, ever thought about becoming the next Sherlock, Pol?"

Ignoring her sarcastic question, Polly stated, "You wanna meet Alex Vause."

"What?!" was the blonde's answer as her eyes grew wide and her eyebrows almost touched her hairline.

"Oh, don't act all innocent. I saw how you were staring at her the whole time and literally undressed her with your eyes. Although she wasn't even wearing that much clothes…"

"Are you fucking kidding me, Polly? I'm straight" Piper replied and raised one brow at her friend.

"You didn't seem this straight to me ten minutes ago."

Again, Piper just shook her head at the absurdity of Polly's words and looked out of the window, hoping that the other woman would drop the topic.

"Admit it and I'll leave you alone."

 _Of course she wouldn't drop it._

Rolling her eyes, Piper stated with slight annoyance in her voice, "Polly, you know me. I like parties, you like parties. Simple as that. So would you please stop?"

"Sure."

After a short pause, she spoke up again, "I can't blame you, though. She's really hot."

"And a drug-addicted asshole," Piper added to Polly's words.

This time, Polly was the one who rolled her eyes.

"You don't know that. But you may find out tonight."

"Shut up," Piper eventually said and hoped internally that she convinced Polly that Alex Vause wasn't the reason she wanted to go to the party. But Polly knew Piper. _And she knew that the blonde was a bad liar._

* * *

Everybody in the room could see that Alex was bored rigid. It was a fact that Alex Vause wasn't someone who liked press conferences. Or the press in general. Or the media. And some paps had had to learn this the hard way in the past. _Criminal mischief. Assault_. Things Alex had already gone to prison for once.  
Or twice. Or even thrice. Well this and drug abuse and theft. But this was long before she was famous. It was at a time in her life when every day had been about surviving. When she hadn't known if she had to go to bed with an empty stomach or without a roof above her head. When she hadn't known if her mother who had been suffering from cancer would wake up the following morning or not. She had spent most of the stolen money on her mother's medicines and her treatments. And in case she had had some pennies left over, she had been this fool that had thought she could create her own ideal world by popping pills, smoking dope or smacking up. And when it had almost ended disastrously, Alex had changed her life and had decided to be someone. For her mother. She had been the whole reason Alex had entered this world and had become famous. _Because money made the world go round_. And when she had realised that she could get paid for her one and only talent, she had surrendered herself to them and had sold her whole self but not her soul. She would never do that.  
Whilst she was staring into space, Nicky kicked her underneath the table and brought her back.

"What?" she quietly hissed at her wild-haired friend who nodded her head once in response, drawing her attention to the people in the room. She could see how they were expectantly and almost desperately waiting for Alex's response to a question she hadn't heard.

The brunette lifted her head from the hand that had been cupping her cheek the whole time and raised her brows. Her eyes scanned the room and she cleared her throat before she said, "Are we done here?"

And the journalists laughed, what else were they supposed to do? Alex's question was cocky, arrogant, disrespectful. Yet, these traits defined her and they've known Alex Vause long enough with the result that they didn't expect anything else from her.

The brunette leaned back in her seat and lifted her hand to adjust her glasses. She wasn't ashamed of them. And too hard punches in the face weren't the reason for her shortsightedness. She's needed them ever since she had been a kid. They were a part of her. Simple as that. Alex Vause simply didn't belong to this world. She was too normal and yet too extraordinary for it. Some people wondered why she was still famous. _Damn, people think so much, too much, and care about things that are none of their business_. One of the most common phenomenons.

Alex kept answering questions concisely, internally wishing that all this nonsense would be over soon. It wasn't only that the brunette got easily bored and didn't spend too much time on certain things. In her eyes, all these people were pathetic. When she had been a nobody, people hadn't given a hoot in hell for her. But ever since she was somebody, _they wanted to know her, to be her friend, to be seen with her_. _Fucking cockroaches_ , she kept calling them.  
If she could, she'd probably even feel pity for them and their miserable lives. _But Alex Vause was Alex Vause_.

"Do you have anybody in mind who could be your next opponent?"

With her signature smirk on her face, Alex replied, "Unfortunately, I don't know anybody who can take on me, do you?"

And again, she shut one of these _pathetic cockroaches_ down.

They kept bothering her with questions about her fight, about her future, rumours about her personal life, anything. It took a bit longer than twenty minutes when the conference was finally over. Alex got up from her seat, about to disappear into the background when she heard somebody yell,  
"How's your mum, Vause?"

Wow, this person certainly knew how to get Alex's attention as the dark-haired woman instantly stopped dead in her tracks.

"Keep walking, Alex," Nicky told her, trying to calm her taller friend down when she saw how she tensed up.

"Poor woman, I heard she's desperately waiting for her death because she's so sick of you and your fuckin' ass."

 _Bullseye. Literally._ Whoever this woman was, Alex would chop her head off and shove it deep up her asshole. Balling her hands to fists, the brunette stretched her neck and swiftly turned around, her legs leading her to the person who had just signed her own death warrant.

"What'd you say?" Alex expressionlessly asked.

"Alex." Nicky tried to approach her but the brunette shook her off.

Eventually, Alex spotted her target. It was an older woman with dark skin and black curly hair that reached her shoulders. She's never seen her before and wondered who she think she was for saying the things she just said.

"There she is," the dusky woman stated with a smile on her face Alex wanted to cut off.

As Alex was still slowly walking towards her, the photographers and journalists watched the scene and tried to capture it with their cameras and recorders.

"I wonder how she'd put up with you and your shit the past 24 years."

 _Alright, that's it,_ Alex concluded and aggressively stormed towards her.

But she wasn't in the cage. This was no Mixed Martial Arts fight. This was reality. Ironic how because she wasn't captured in a cage but was free to move she couldn't legally beat the shit out of that woman. Nicky and the rest of her crew members stopped her and held her back, saying things to calm her down. The cameras' flashlights kept blinding Alex but she would definitely remember this woman's face. You always meet twice. Even Red who usually kept herself in the background appeared and tried to push Alex back. Eventually, they dragged her into the halls, hidden from the spotlight and thirsty journalists.

* * *

"Who was that fucking piece of shit?!"

"Alex, calm down!"

"Oh, I'll calm down when I smashed that bitch's face in!"

"Alex! Keep your temper!" Red added and rested her hands softly on the brunette's shoulders.  
"That was Vee Parker."

Eventually, Alex met Red's gaze. _Now you're talking._

"She's some kind of manager of Carlin's team and some bigwig of the UFC. She just wanted to provoke you."

"Yeah and she did a good job," Nicky interposed.

Her eyes still fixed on Red's, Alex kept waiting for her to continue.

"Yes, she did. Alex, you totally played into her damn hands!"

"Yeah and she also did a good job," Alex's best friend repeated.

"Shut up, Nicky. This is serious. Like really, really serious. Look, Vee Parker's been having it in for you ever since you became a professional fighter. She wants you out of the picture. And soon enough you'll make her wish come true."

"So what do I care, huh? Nobody has the right to talk about my mother like this. No fucking Vee Parker, no fucking UFC wannabe, no fucking anybody." Alex took her eyes off of Red and stared blankly at the wall behind her trainer and stated, "I'll kill her."

"No, you won't. God, you're such a fool. Alex, turn on your last ten braincells. Prove to her that you're smarter than this, show everyone that you're more than they think you are."

Alex let out sarcastic laugh before she told the red-haired woman, "I don't care who they think I am. But I know what they are. Fucking, little, pathetic cockroaches. I don't care about all this fame-shit."

"I know you don't but you care about your mum, don't you?"

And again, _100 points. Bullseye_. Meeting her gaze again, the brunette said, "Red, you're treading on thin ice."

"I'm just saying how it is. If they take your license away from you, they'll take everything. Your titles, your money, your name and you'll start all over again. Is that what you want, Alex?"

"I've felt the ground before."

"Yes which is the exact reason you shouldn't go back there."

Letting out a sigh, Alex pressed her lips together and nodded her head.

"You know I'm right, kiddo. I'll go home now. Nicky, make sure Alex will go to the after party."

"No way! I ain't going nowhere," Alex clarified.

"Yes, you will. The press conference is probably already on the news. They expect you not to attend the after party. That's why you will."

Giving her one last serious glare, Red slapped her cheek lightly as she usually did and walked off.

"C'mon Hulk, let's get you out of here before you'll turn green again," Nicky said and put her hand on Alex's back to push her forward.

The raven-haired woman just shook her head and reluctantly started walking.

* * *

And Red was right, as always. Alex's tantrum at the press conference two hours ago was being discussed everywhere. They were feeding on it like _leeches._  
 _They only get high when you're low._

It was after midnight and after some drinks, Piper was having fun. Although Polly was pleading her to finally go home, the blonde refused. But what kind of best friend Polly would be if she left her alone at this after party? Whilst Piper was dancing on the dance floor, being hit on by several guys, Polly was watching her from afar as she was sitting at the bar by herself. It wasn't a pleasant view but Polly was aware that her best friend loved the attention. And she was a grown up woman. Yet, she wanted to interrupt them. She had once done, but it hadn't gone well as Piper had nearly chopped her head off of her shoulders.

 _I can look out for myself, Polly._  
 _I don't need a babysitter._  
 _I'm 22, I'm old enough._

So, she's been tolerating such scenes ever since. The short woman sipped her drink and scrunched her nose when she saw how this man was touching her best friend. Shaking her head, she mumbled, "Oh, Piper."

"Beautiful name, but I'm Alex."

Polly was startled when she suddenly heard these raspy words coming from somebody who was sitting beside her. She immediately turned her head to her right and looked at the dark-haired woman.

"Oh, no, sorry, of course I know who you are," she began to ramble but couldn't stop herself, "You're Alex Vause, the new old lightweight MMA champion. Hey. Congrats, great fight."

The brunette laughed at Polly's obvious nervousness and gave the bartender a sign.

She returned her gaze on the thing Polly has been staring at the whole time and spoke up, nodding her head at the direction, "That's Piper, I suppose."

"Yeah, yeah, that's Piper."

Being starstruck, Polly didn't realise that Alex was waiting for her to continue. To spare the brown-haired woman, Alex added, "And Piper is…?"

"My best friend, she's kinda drunk, obviously," Polly stated and nervously laughed.

This made Alex chuckle again but she was already about to leave the short woman when the bartender came back with her orders. The raven-haired woman stood up but said before she was going to disappear, "It was nice to meet you…"

"Polly," she quickly introduced herself.

Alex gave her her cocky smirk with one raised brow and started walking, her silhouette fading within the crowd.

"Ohmygod," Polly whispered and raised her brows. "Dammit, I should've asked her for an autograph." And her following thought made her get up- _I have to tell Piper._

Alex joined Nicky and the rest of the group who were waiting for her and the drinks at a private area in the V.I.P. section. If she weren't a boxer, the brunette would have real problems with keeping her balance as she was already hopped-up and adding alcohol to her state. But she was a professional. She knew what she was doing as this wasn't her first time. Alex placed the tray with the drinks on the glass table and let herself fall into the leather armchair.

"Tired?" Nicky asked and grabbed her drink.

Knitting her brows in response, Alex took off her leather jacket as the mixture in her system started to kick in. She took one big sip from her water before she downed her shot.

"This will be the death of you," her best friend smilingly said, yet a serious warning behind her words.

"You gotta die of something," Alex coolly replied and winked at her.

Changing the subject, the wild-haired woman asked her, "Where's Sylvie?"

"Who's Sylvie?"

This made Nicky laugh and Alex joined her.

"Shit Red was right, you really need those last brain cells. You're already suffering from dementia."

"Fuck off, Nichols, I'm just losing track."

"Yeah, I see… So, what's her name tonight?"

"Piper," Alex dreamingly answered with a small grin on her face.

"I hope she's not as boring as her name sounds."

Alex just showed Nicky her middle finger and laughed. _Damn, how much she loved to get high_.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the after party, Polly could successfully convince Piper to slow down and sit down for a while. Like Alex and the rest of her group, Piper and Polly were sitting in a secluded V.I.P area, too. The two friends were surrounded by other famous persons who were actors, singers, athletes. Whilst Piper was mindlessly staring at whatever her eyes found, Polly was excitedly talking to her.

"Can you believe it? I met her, Piper!"

"Who?" the blonde responded and took a sip from her drink.

"Jesus, are you even listening?! Alex Vause!"

Now Piper was definitely listening. But she tried to hide it and casually said, "So?"

Polly nevertheless told her about her 2 minutes with the one and only Alex Vause, not noticing that Piper was paying attention to every single word of her. Because yeah, she was hot. And perfect for one night. Yet, Piper had a reputation. _A good one_. And the infamous Alex Vause didn't match into this perfect bubble Piper was flying with into the hearts of the media and the whole world. She belonged to the world.

"Pipe?" Polly said and snapped her fingers in front of her friend's face.

"Hm?"

"Do you wanna stay or can we finally go home?"

Letting her friend's question sink in, Piper had to admit, she was actually looking forward to fall asleep in her bed as Polly's words made her realise that she was tired.

"Yeah, I'll just go to the bathroom and then we'll be ready to go, okay?"

With a half smile, Polly nodded and saw the blonde stand up on her slightly shaky legs.

Her nose was itching and Alex scratched it which didn't go unnoticed by Nicky. She felt her friend's gaze and looked at her. Nicky casually gave her a (the) nod and the brunette freed herself from the unknown woman who has been straddling her lap ever since she returned. The woman reluctantly let go of Alex's collar and pulled her lips from her neck. Alex whispered into her ear that she'd be back and got up, walking towards the bathroom, _her entrance to an even better world._

* * *

 _Hello, welcome to the other side_  
 _You're lost_  
 _Baby step outside your mind_  
 _You've been really good,_  
 _You've been really good_  
 _You've been thinking 'bout being bad_  
 _ever since I put you on_

She locked herself in one of the stalls, pulled out the white powder and parted it into small lines on her little box. After she twisted a dollar bill to a straw with her fingers, she bowed over the drug and inhaled it, letting it rush through her nose right into her body. When she shockingly shoved everything back into her pockets, she let out a deep breath and stepped out of the stall. As her eyes were focused on the floor, she didn't see that somebody was actually right in front of the door. Alex bumped into the other person, the things she just used falling on the ground.

"Fuck," she cursed under her breath and kneeled down, quickly collecting her stuff.

"I'm sorry, I didn't see…"

Piper stopped talking when she saw who was bowing in front of her and instantly knew what kept Alex Vause so long in the closet.

When Alex swiftly stood up after she hid her stuff again, her face was dangerously close to the blonde's. And it was like back then when she had been in the cage, her vision was blurry and everything somehow faded to black when her eyes landed on Piper's face. The two women were on eye level although Piper was wearing heels. Nevertheless, she wasn't taller than the raven-haired woman. For a second, Piper froze, completely overwhelmed by the almost nonexistent presence between them and her blue eyes found Alex's emerald ones. She could feel Alex's hot breath on her own lips and for a very short moment, her lungs stopped working. Her eyes wandered over Alex's face, finding little bruises and scratches. But they didn't make her pull away. Only when she saw the brunette's white nose, she took a step back.

"Sorry, I thought there was no one inside."

Alex didn't move, only raised one brow at the blonde, at Piper.

"I know you," Alex stated, her voice lower than usual.

Well, yeah, I'm a model, Piper thought to herself, realising that she was kind of disappointed that they weren't normal people who could be strangers.

"I saw you, you were in the audience tonight."

That surprised Piper. She pulled her brows slightly together when she heard Alex say, "You're Piper, Nelly's friend."

"Nelly?" the blonde repeated and wondered if Alex was simply way too high to think straight.

"Isn't that your friend's name? Wait, Molly? Holly? I swear it was something like that…"

"Polly?"

"Yes! Exactly! Polly!" Alex said a bit too enthusiastically.

As she was too confused, Piper wasn't aware that she was stepping backwards as Alex was approaching her slowly until her back hit the sink. Wondering what she ran into (again), she quickly looked down and found herself captured by the brunette. Suddenly, it was hard to breathe and it was even harder when Alex rested her hands next to the blonde on the sink.

"I'm Alex," she nearly whispered and Piper could feel her words on her lips as they were again very close to each other.

Because of the drinks in her system, it took a bit more time until Piper had the courage to do something about her current situation.

"And I'm no junkie," the blonde explained and straightened herself, showing that she wouldn't surrender.

"I thought so… Damn, you're so professional."

Feeling offended by her words, Piper pushed her lightly yet strongly enough back to free herself.

"Oh come on, I don't live under a rock. You're the next Kate Moss. Except that you're younger, and a good girl… and prettier," Alex explained as she stood next to the blonde to wash her hands.

Piper crossed her arms in front of her chest, her back resting against the sink as she was watching the woman next to her. She huffed, making Alex chuckle who dried her hands with a towel.

"And you're the next Kurt Cobain. Except that you're a woman and you'll probably put a faster end to your life."

"Easy, kid. No need to be rude," Alex playfully said and looked at Piper again.

Ignoring the nickname no one had ever used before, Piper huffed again and stormed off. When she heard Alex's raspy laugh again, she realised that she was wrong.

 _Alex Vause was an even bigger asshole than everyone thought._

"Let's go home, Polly," Piper demanded and took her friend's hand to pull her up.  
After her encounter with the brunette Piper felt like she sobered up within those few minutes with her.

"Yeah, but what's wrong? What happened?"

Acting as if she didn't hear Polly, the taller woman kept dragging her through the crowd towards to exit in the back. She was in no mood to face any paparazzi or photographers. Instead, _she would face someone else._ They were standing outside in the dark when Piper took out her mobile and called her driver.

"Gerald will be here in 10 minutes," she informed Polly and leaned against the wall of the building.

"Good, so you'll have ten minutes to explain to me what's got into you."

Piper knew better than to play innocent and answered, "Alex fucking Vause's got into me."

When she saw Polly raising her brows and opening her mouth, Piper quickly added, "Not in that way you pervert. And you know what? She's an even bigger asshole in reality."

"Why?" Polly blankly asked, making Piper getting even more furious.

"Why? Because she's… arrogant, absolutely cocksure of herself and simply an asshole. And you know what?"

"What?"

"She snorted some blow, in a public bathroom! Can you believe it?!"

"Shit, I thought she was clean," Polly said, obviously devastated.

"Wait what? Whose side are you on?!"

"Jesus, Piper, relax. It's not like she raped you or something. Calm down."

"I am calm! Why is everyone so-"

"Good evening, ladies," a deep voice said, interrupting Piper.

The two friends turned their heads to look at the man who approached them.

"How do you do this?" Polly asked her friend who was in her eyes a magnet who could attract anyone, anywhere.

Sighing internally, Piper let her head fall back and couldn't possibly be more annoyed. But, she knew how to handle situations perfectly.  
Alex Vause would be an exception.

"Two beautiful, young ladies like you shouldn't be alone at night."

"Hey, we're fine. We're just waiting for my-"

"There you are, baby. I was looking for you."

She felt an arm resting around her waist that pulled her away from the pushy man.  
Being completely perplexed, Piper followed the person who was still holding her.

"Keep walking," the husky voice whispered into her ear and Piper didn't need to check who that person was.

When they were eventually out of sight, the two women were in an alleyway and Piper was wondering where her friend was.

"People usually say thank you, in case you're not familiar with it," Alex said with an arrogant grin on her face Piper desperately wanted to rip off.

She opened her mouth a few times but no words came out as she didn't know where to begin.

Finally, she found a start.

"What was that all about, huh? I don't need your help. Who do you think you are?! Shit… Where's Polly?" Piper was fumbling inside her purse,  
looking for her phone.

"You're welcome, kid."

"Don't call me that," the blonde immediately warned her and dialed Polly's number when she found her cellphone.

"Jesus, what is your problem?"

Whilst she was holding her phone to her ear, she tried to hush Alex, in vain.

"No, don't shoo me, you horse's ass. Fuck, now I remember why I never help people."

"I'm a horse's ass?!"

"Yes, you are! You know what, never mind, I'm out of here."

Hanging up, Piper put her phone into her purse when she saw that Alex was actually walking off.

"What the hell? You don't get to do that!"

When the brunette walked past her, Piper grabbed her wrist to stop her from leaving. At the sudden contact, both women felt like they were on fire.  
Whilst Alex looked at her, Piper lowered her eyes, wondering how her own hand found Alex's wrist. Yet, she couldn't let go and instead even intensified her grip.

" _Piper._ "

Her name left Alex's mouth in a throaty tone. And for a second, this sound released her. She would be free when she would capture Alex.  
 _But this would be unbeknownst to her until this moment would come._

"You're no good, Alex," she coldly told her and let go of Alex's wrist and returned to _her cage that was the world_.

 _It seems like pain and regrets are your best friends,_  
 _'cause everything you do leads to them, why?_  
 _Run, run_  
 _But baby, I could be your best friend_

 _Blaming all your sins on your best friends_  
 _and nothing's ever ever your fault_  
 _Nothing's your fault baby, no_  
 _Well baby, you don't need your best friends_  
 _'cause I got everything you want._

 _Baby, you could have it all_  
 _Baby, you could have it all_


	2. You Always Meet Twice

_Holy cannoli! I definitely wasn't expecting such good reactions! Thank you for every single review, follow and favourite.  
So, here you go, chapter 2!_

* * *

 _Chapter 2: You Always Meet Twice_

"Stupid Bitch," Alex cursed under her breath as she sat down in the armchair after Piper had ditched her.

"Who is?" Nicky asked who was still on the couch, sipping her drink.

"No one," the brunette answered and she was right. She didn't know Piper. But yet, she knew who she was.  
Someone who benchmarked herself at everyone else.  
Someone who was owned by everyone else.  
 _Someone who was no one_.

"Honey I missed you," the blonde woman said whose name Alex didn't know anymore.

She made herself comfortable on the brunette's lap again and put her arms around her neck.

And although Alex didn't know her, didn't need her, didn't want her, she let her. Because that was her routine. She didn't know it but there was a hole somewhere inside her, and all these petty women, all these petty nights with them distracted her from it, and only covered it. They wouldn't ever fill this hole. _Not them._

And this night ended like every other night. Alex took this woman who had no name to a fancy hotel, hooked up with her, and disappeared before the other woman would wake up. She returned to her apartment, popped some pills to get some sleep, and slept late. It was like it was written in stone. Because those were the things that formed this life. _Sex, drugs, money_. They were all addictions. Both wanted and unwanted. This life was shallow. Like the women she had sex with. This life was tough and rough. And the drugs made it easier. This life had one foundation. Money. And she was so grateful that she was able to decide who would be a part of this life. She was so grateful that she was able to distinguish between this life and her life. There were things and persons who she didn't want to let in. Like her mother. Yes, she did know this life Alex was living. And although she was the greatest and biggest part of her life, Alex kept her out of the other one. Her mother had to stay out of it. She knew everything about it. She didn't need to be a part of it, too. She knew about the dirty rumours, the drugs, the meaningless women. And they talked about it. Her mother tried to talk some sense into her. Her mother tried to convince her to end this life. But Alex couldn't. Because it was consuming her. All those three things combined-sex, drugs and money- created one big addiction. They owned her in some way. And people would tell her to slow down. They would tell her that she would be losing control. They would tell her that these would be things she would live for. But they wouldn't understand her. Because they were wrong. She lived _with_ them. Yet not _for_ them. Alex has been living for only one person and would find a second person she'd both live for and die for soon. And she didn't need to look for that person anymore as _she had already met her_.

The worst thing about drugs was the coming down. It was awful. These pills and powder, blunts and needles could make you feel so good and also so bad. You could touch the clouds and then drown to the bottom of the ocean. And Alex hated it every time she was drowning. It felt like she cratered. And then hit the ground that was reality. She found herself on the ground when the door to her big bedroom flew open. Still in a dazed state, Alex lifted her head from the pillows and squinted her eyes to make out where her glasses were. "What the fuck," she mumbled and put her glasses on. As she turned around to look at the person who just stormed into her bedroom, the person's voice revealed her.

"Hello, baby girl," said Diane and walked across the room to open the curtains.

Alex eventually rolled onto her back and said, "Shit, mum, what are you doing here at such an ungodly hour?!"

"Rough night, huh? I might have known it." After a short pause, her mother added, "Would you please explain this to me?" and tossed the newspaper next to Alex who was sitting at the edge of her bed.

"What?" Alex said with her husky voice, not being fully awake yet.

She took the newspaper and heard her mother say, "Third page."

Alex opened it and read the big headline:

 _Mad Vause returns- MMA champion Alex Vause is in Beast mode outside the ring at the post fight press conference._

Her mother probably had read the whole article so Alex didn't need to ask her what they'd written.

"Is this what you're making such a fuss about? Because, you know, your key to my apartment is only for emergencies," Alex playfully told her and threw the newspaper aside.

Her mother was standing in front of her, arms crossed and was looking at her with a serious expression on her face.

"Good to know that you can still crack jokes, Alex."

"God, mum, you know how they like to change the story to their advantage," the brunette stated and got up to take her robe on.

"Then tell me the real story," her mother said, her piercing blue eyes following her.

Alex sighed and led her downstairs into the kitchen. She needed coffee before she would talk about anything. Diane took off her coat and laid it on the couch before she walked towards the glass table in the kitchen and sat down. The brunette turned on the coffee machine and prepared everything, hearing her mother say, "I'm waiting."

Breathing in deeply, Alex turned around whilst the coffee machine was brewing coffee.

"What do you want to hear? That this fucking bitch provoked me and that I fell for it?!"

"Watch your language," Diane informed her daughter.

Sighing again, Alex calmed down and this time with composure explained, "I suppose you already know who this Vee Parker is. Anyways, she showed up at the end of the conference and said the right things to piss me off… Sorry, to _incense me_ ," Alex corrected herself, emphasizing her last words.

She returned her mother's gaze for a moment before she turned around again and poured the coffee into two mugs.

"Damn, Alex," Diane began. "What were you thinking?"

"To be honest, I believe you don't really wanna know what I was thinking."

This time, her mother sighed and reached for the mug Alex was offering her. She took a seat across from her mother and placed her glasses on top of her head.  
"My dear child, what am I supposed to do with you? You can't act like this, not in public. Do whatever you think you gotta do behind closed doors but not when everyone's watching. I don't know what it's like to live such a life," Alex looked up from her mug and locked her eyes on her mother's, "but they're eating you up alive. Because you're feeding them."

"Mum, I am who I am. I wasn't born to please any of them."

"Yes, I know and I give you great credit for staying true to yourself. This life makes a difference but it doesn't make you different. Still, you're throwing yourself under the bus. This thing that happened last night is the perfect proof. They know exactly which buttons they have to push to make you furious."

Of course her mother was right. Alex knew it and Diane knew it, too. Yet, she was fighter. If she got hit, she'd hit back. She was no professional. Knowing that her daughter understood her, she sipped her coffee before she stated, "It should be the other way around, you know?"

Pulling her brows together, Alex asked her, "What do you mean?"

"I should be the one taking care of you."

"Mum-"

"No, hear me out. I'm so grateful, kid. Really. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here anymore. You did so much for me and I just hate to see how they treat you. Those people, who don't know anything, who have no idea what we've been through. What _you've been through_."

She lifted her hand and tucked some loose dark strands behind Alex's ear and circled her thumb over her cheek before she pulled her hand back.

"And I swear if you'll die before me I'll bring you back to life to kill you myself," her mother playfully said and Alex knew what she was talking about.

"How do you even stay in shape? I don't wanna know what your body looks from inside. Seriously, kid, do I have to worry about you?"

A smile appeared on Alex's face as she replied, "You're my mother, you're always worried about me."

"True," Diane realised and returned her daughter's smile.

"Oh, before I forget, I have something for you."

She got up from the chair and walked to her purse in the living room. When she returned, she was holding a piece of paper in her hand and walked up to Alex.

"I took some time and prepared your speech for the charity event in two days."

"Really?" Alex asked laughingly and raised her brows.

"Here," her mother said and handed her the paper.

Alex took it and cleared her throat before she read it out aloud.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, there are some things you urgently need to know. My mother, Diane Vause, is the best, most beautiful, smartest- Are you serious?" she questioned her.

"Keep reading."

"Is the best, most beautiful, smartest and most terrific woman in the world. I am so blessed and I feel so honored that she is my mother because she passed most of her own beauty on to me. I love her so much it hurts… Shit, mum, I think I'll throw up."

"Shut up you dickhead," Diane told her and the two women chuckled.

"Watch your language," the brunette repeated her mother's words from earlier.

After a short while, Alex began to nervously move her hands when she admitted, "I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to stand in front of them and talk about things they don't understand."

"But you'll make them understand. Consider it as a try to show them that you're a human being, too. Except that _you're cool._ "

Eventually, Diane turned around and walked towards the front door of Alex's loft, gathering her coat and purse. Alex followed her and the two women were standing in the hallway.

"I hope next time I'll visit you it will be for a good reason, kid. You know, you could come around once in a while, too. I won't live forever," she told her daughter and hugged her tightly.

"I will, mum, I pro-"

Her mother swiftly pulled back, her hands still on Alex's shoulders when she said to her, "No, don't make any promises. You won't keep them anyway."

"What?" Alex exclaimed.

 _"I promise mum, I won't eat any cookies before dinner. I promise mum, I'll take the chicken out of the fridge before you'll be home. I promise mum, I'll take the trash out,_ " she told her, impersonating a young Alex.

"Yeah, yeah, mum. Whatever. Take care."

Diane smiled at her softly and stroked her cheek again before she opened the door.

"Be safe, baby girl. Love you."

Seeing her mother walking out of her apartment into the elevator, Alex responded, "Love you, too," and watched her disappear.

* * *

Piper returned from her daily morning jog and entered her apartment. She needed it. It was the best way to clear her mind. She took off her sneakers and walked into her big kitchen, preparing a fresh smoothie. Whilst she was squeezing the fruits, she turned on the TV to watch the news. They were reporting about the events of the former night. Piper wasn't really paying much attention until the reporter mentioned _this one name_ , making the blonde turn around to the TV screen. He talked about how Alex Vause defended her title against her opponent and was officially the most successful female MMA fighter who ever existed, as she hasn't lost any fights ever since she became a professional fighter. "At least inside the cage," the male reporter added and talked about the things that happened after the fight. They showed parts of the press conference when everything was peaceful. Piper was still watching when they showed clips of the moment a certain Miss Parker appeared and enraged Alex. And it didn't surprise Piper. "What a hothead," she judged the brunette and turned her back on the screen again. But she turned around again when the reporter enlightened the viewers about Alex Vause's mum who had been suffering from cancer. Slowly, everything began to made sense to Piper and she realised that she may have been wrong. _Or that she might have wronged Alex_. She was dragged away from her thoughts when she heard her mobile ring. The blonde walked over to the counter and saw that her agent was calling.

"Morning Jane," she cheerfully greeted her.

"Hey Piper, how are you?"

"Fine thanks, what about you?"

"I can't complain as long as you'll say yes," her agent told her.

"To what?"

"You remember this charity event we were talking about a couple weeks ago?"

"Yeah, sure, the charity ball."

"Exactly."

"What about it?"

Her agent was silent for a moment before she informed the blonde, "I was wondering if you're still eager to attend it."

"Of course."

"Really? Okay, well, that was easier than I expected. It will take place at the Essex house in Manhattan on Sunday. 7 PM."

"In two days? Pretty last-minute."

"Yeah, I know Piper, it's just after they saw you at the MMA fight last night, they called me this morning and told me they needed you at the event. Like, urgently," her agent informed her.

Piper thought about it for a second before she told her, "Fine, I'll go."

"Great! I'll call Martin to prepare a look for you. Trust me, after the ball you'll get your 4 week break."

"We'll see," Piper said to her and hung up.

She liked charity events. They were for a good cause. Yet, Piper was actually on hiatus, needing some time to herself without any photoshoots, interviews or events. She would make an exception for it, though. Remembering that her TV was still on, Piper looked at the screen again and wished she hadn't said yes to her agent a minute ago. They were still talking about Alex Vause and said that she'd be the special guest at the charity event Piper had just agreed to attend.

* * *

"How do I look?"

"I dunno, there's something missing… Ah, there you go!" Red said to the brunette and placed her glasses on her nose.

"What about my black eye? Is it still visible?"

"No, neither are your scratches."

Alex chuckled lightly and checked her reflection again. She was wearing a tight, red, long dress that accentuated her best body parts. Her long, dark hair was slightly curled and the heels she was wearing made her look over 6 feet tall. She didn't like to glam up as it made her feel like a doll. Nevertheless, she had to admit that she looked hot.

"I'm glad that you escort me, Red," Alex informed her trainer and turned away from the mirror to look at her.

"Well, somebody has to look out for you, kiddo," the Russian woman informed her and handed Alex her purse.

She gave the younger woman a kind smile before she asked, "Are you ready?"

Alex nodded in response and the two women began to walk out of the hotel room. On their way to the limousine, Alex's mobile rang, telling her that she had received a text. She took it out of her purse and opened the message.

 _Mum: Have fun tonight, kid. Oh, and remember to deliver the speech I prepared for you! I put much thought into it! Love you_

Alex smiled at the screen and answered her. In this moment, she wished that her mother would accompany her. Not that she didn't want Red to be her escort because she was glad that her trainer agreed to go with her. Still, she really didn't spend enough time with her mother. Because she wanted her to stay out of the spotlight. It was enough that the media gossiped viciously about her. _They didn't deserve her mother_. Alex was protecting her and Diane was aware of it. So, she always kept herself in the background. And she didn't mind. Still, Alex hated that this famous life affected her private life. She tried her best to keep them apart, not good enough, though, in her opinion. Alex and Red were eventually in the car, heading to the Essex Hotel in Manhattan.  
The brunette was staring out of the window as they were driving through the streets of Manhattan.

"Nervous, kiddo?"

She lowered her gaze, staring at the hands in her lap when she replied, "No, I dunno. It's just that I don't wanna talk to them."

"Well, look at it this way: You're not actually gonna talk to them. You'll just talk and they'll listen to what you'll say."

"Yeah, it's just, what's the point of it? I'm no rookie. Everyone in this room knows me and they know more about me than they should. Why should the things I'll tell them change their minds? They hate me anyway."

"Because everything they've heard about you so far are things they've been told by other people. This time, you'll be the one who will talk about you," Red explained to her.

"Still, it's none of their business."

"Alex, sometimes you have to actually face the consequences and take over responsibility for your actions. Especially after the thing that happened two days ago. Consider it as redemption. People are so easily influenced and when they'll see that you make amends for things you did in the past, they'll hang on your every word. It's simple as that, kiddo."

When she looked at her trainer, she saw the expression on her face change and was confused.

"You stupid druggie," Red hissed under her breath and used the sleeve of her coat to stop the blood that was rolling over Alex's lips from her nose to drop on her dress.

Alex let her head fall back to keep it from dripping whilst Red was looking for a tissue in her purse.

Eventually, she found one and handed it to Alex who held it against her nostrils.

"Thanks," Alex said and saw how Red glared at her.

"I hope boxing isn't only an alibi you use to hide the real reason for all this nose-bleeding."

"If it was, I wouldn't be the fucking champion, would I?" Alex jokingly explained to her in order to leaven the situation.

It was pointless to talk about her drug abuse. Because people who never were addicted didn't understand. They didn't know what it was like to feel the need for it in every inch of your body. They didn't know how great the feeling was when the drugs kicked in. _You felt invincible. You felt untouchable_. You were careless, _free._ Nothing would nor could stop you. _Only the drugs themselves. So you had to get high again. A fucking doom loop._ Alex wasn't stupid. She was aware of it. But it was her routine. And she wasn't directly a prisoner to her addictions. It was rather that she was enslaved by her routine. Because that was the way things had always been for her. Pretty savage, true. _But only another prisoner would be able to set her free._

 _My life is a movie and everyone's watching  
So let's get to the good part and past all the nonsense_  
 _Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing  
When the pressure's coming down like lightning  
It's like they want me to be perfect  
When they don't even know that I'm hurting_

 _'Cause life's not easy,  
I'm not made out of steel  
Don't forget that I'm human,  
don't forget that I'm real_  
 _Act like you know me,  
but you never will_

Piper was nearly floating over the red carpet as she was looking like an angel. She was wearing a white, silk dress that had a daringly low neckline. Her long, golden locks were straightened and slicked back, her angelic face being completely free. People were chanting her name, cameras were keeping her beauty in photos, people tried to get her attention. She walked up to a few of them, answering their questions politely, making jokes, and kept walking towards the entrance of the hotel. All this time a kind, sweet smile on her face although she didn't feel like smiling. Ever since she had found out that Alex Vause would be at the event, too, she wished she wouldn't have had given in back then when she had been talking to her agent. But now it was too late as she stepped into the building, grabbing quickly for a glass of champagne that was on the tray of one of those servers. She took one big sip before she studied the big hall of the building. Although there were probably about 300 guests present, the hall seemed huge nevertheless. It didn't take much time until Piper, who was standing alone in the middle of the crowd, was approached by one of the guests. She felt a light tip on her shoulder and turned around.

"Hey, I'm Alex."

She froze for a second before Piper saw the person who was talking to her.

It was a tall young man and the blonde remembered his face instantly, having it seen on TV before.

"Hi, I'm Piper. I love your show by the way, it's amazing," she complimented him.

Alex was an actor who was starring on a big show on TV. She shook the hand he extended and heard him say, "Thanks, nice to meet you, Piper."

"The pleasure is all mine," the blonde replied, her eyes fixed on his dark ones.

He was really handsome. Tall, dark hair, dark eyes and he was wearing a tuxedo which made every man look even hotter. And his name was Alex. What an odd coincidence. They were making small talk and Piper noticed the way he was looking at her the whole time. _As if she were a jewel, a thing_. And not a person. This was the way her ex-boyfriends had looked at her, treating her like a trophy they could proudly show off. They only looked at her but _never through her._ Never through all her beauty. Never through all the things everyone else saw. They never managed to get past this facade. All they cared about was the fact that she had such a fair face that she could even make a bundle on it. And back then, it hadn't been the reason that Piper hadn't let them in. The reason had been that neither of them had wanted _to be let in._ Today, Piper was smarter and more careful. She locked herself up, believing that everyone and the whole world simply was this shallow. She should've known it as she had grown up in a house where it all had been about opinions. Opinions on your clothes.  
Opinions on your decisions. Opinions on your actions. Opinions on your looks. And yet, it took her way too long to realise that the world was a shallow place.  
But ever since she did, the world took her over and captivated her, _and Piper was its prisoner._

She noticed that she lost interest in the conversation as she was staring at nothing particular. Eventually, she saw how the crowd began to move and walked towards another hall where the event would officially take place. Piper saw that the man was still talking but she wasn't listening. Being kind nevertheless, she took leave of him and followed the rest of the people. Luckily, she knew which table she was assigned and made her way through the crowd. She eventually found her seat and sat down, downing the rest of her champagne as if it were a shot and already getting herself a second one. Five other people were sitting at the table and the most of them were athletes. One of them was a Football player, two other men were playing in the NBA and the other two were women who were actresses. The hosts eventually stepped up to the platform and bid their guests welcome. They informed the audience that this charity event was meant to help children in need. After they ended their welcome greeting, they introduced their special guest who was about to deliver speech.

"Please welcome the best female MMA fighter and new champion, Alex Vause."

Piper's blue eyes instantly scanned the room, looking for the brunette. She spotted her at the table at the other side of the hall. For someone who got off her head regularly and whose face was bruised, her make-up artist must have done a good job to cover it all up. _Because she looked flawless_. Her long, dark hair, her red lips, her pale skin and her perfectly fitting red dress were breathtaking. For a second, even Piper forgot to keep her composure, finding herself staring at the dark-haired beauty. And of course, Alex had to catch her as she gave her this cocky smirk and winked at her, dragging Piper out of her inappropriate thoughts. The blonde's face turned serious again when she met Alex's gaze who was walking to the platform. She was wondering why Alex Vause of all people was the special guest and the first one to speak. _How ironic,_ she thought to herself and watched her expectantly, waiting like everyone else for her to speak up. Alex lightly tipped against the microphone, checking if it was on. She cleared her throat, her eyes fixed on nothing particular as she began, "Evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Alex Vause, obviously-"

She paused before she continued, "and tonight we came together in this luxurious hotel for a good cause and… none of us can complain. All of us can live a life where money isn't an issue. Money isn't an issue for me as well, but… it was once was." Alex really didn't want to talk about it. None of this stuck-up fancy assholes deserved to get a part of her. Yet, she was one of the few people who could understand these children that were struggling because she had been one of them, too. She took a deep breath and explained, "The most people know me because of my reputation, my reputation that is based on rumours and lies people who don't know me spread about me. And like everyone else, I know what these people say about me. And I used to let them talk because I thought that the truth wouldn't make a difference anyway. I thought that they wouldn't listen to me anyway. But tonight I have the chance to tell the truth because you have to listen. I'm just human like every one else in this room, like every one else in this world. And people tend to forget it because it' so easier to judge than to actually understand. I know that I'm not innocent. I was in prison more than once, that's no secret. It's also my fault that these people out there tell those things about me. Yet, we can't judge people for their actions if we don't know their reasons. It's better do the wrong thing for the right reason than to do the right thing for the wrong reason. I once was one of these children who go to bed with an empty stomach, who grow up with a broken home or even without a home, who have no stability in life, who have no future. Every single one of them has a clean state. It's not their fault that they have to live such a life.  
No child should go through such a thing. Nobody deserves it. And if they cannot make a change while we actually can, I think it's a crime if we don't.  
Yes, we don't know these children. We all are blessed with a life that is about living and not surviving. We mustn't take it for granted, though, we mustn't forget where some of us came from. So please, all of you in your fancy dresses and swish suits, make sure that these children will not get off the rails and become like me because… they're innocent. Cheers," she ended and returned to her seat, applause filling the whole room.

Piper's eyes were still following her and she had to admit, Alex's words had gotten to the heart of the matter. Unfortunately, the world was too shallow. And Piper was, too. She would donate, that was sure. Yet, _she would do the right thing for the wrong reason_. Those few dollars were nothing to her whilst it was hope for these children. But the blonde would help them out of a sense of obligation. And what would those people think of her if she didn't help these kids?  
She had a reputation, too. And like Alex's, it was based on rumours and things people who didn't know her said about her as well. But the difference was that they were saying good things about her. And she needed to uphold this image of a perfect woman.

"Well done, kiddo," Red praised Alex and squeezed her shoulder.

Alex exhaled deeply and replied, "I'm glad it's over."

"I'm proud of you, really. And I'm sure your mother is, too."

The brunette smiled at her, feeling more than relieved that there was nothing else she had to do tonight. She didn't really care if her words had made any difference, if people would think differently of her now. Her appearance was mostly meant to give those people something new to talk about and to take their minds off of not so good appearances in the previous weeks. But she didn't care about this change. She cared about the change these children needed.  
She once in a while did a good deed, although she kind of sacrificed herself for it. These people didn't deserve to see her other side. Her _real side. Her roots._  
But these kids did and that reason was more than convincing.

Alex saw that her mobile screen lit up and she saw that she got a message.

 _Mum: Your speech was almost as good as mine… I'm proud of you, kid! I hope you'll have a good time_

She certainly would and already spotted the reason for it as she laid her eyes on Piper who was on the other side of the big hall. Alex wondered if she still was "no good" in her blue eyes. The dinner was eventually served and music was playing whilst all these self-important nobodies enjoyed their meals and were probably talking about golf tournaments, the Hamptons and who "they were wearing". Here and there other famous persons gave a speech but Alex didn't really listen. Because she couldn't focus, the drive being too hard to resist. She had to wait until Red would leave, though. If she found out that Alex would get high at this event, she would behead her and she would have every right to do so because Alex herself would confirm that these people were right. And Piper would be right because _Alex was no good_. Still, this wasn't a decision she made with her head. _You can't teach an old dog new tricks._ And Alex was just human like everyone else who had routines like everyone else. She tried to quench her thirst with drinks but this dried her out even more. Nearly three hours passed and people began to dance and became louder. That was usually the time Red would leave. The brunette began to scratch her skin as the itch under her skin became stronger. She had to be careful, though. Red knew the signs, she knew what they meant. Alex tried to contain herself, internally wishing her trainer would finally leave. And eventually, she did.

"I think it's time for me to go. Don't bring disgrace over me, kiddo," Red warned her and as she usually did, lightly slapped Alex's cheek.

Alex smiled innocently at her and saw Red geting up from her chair.

"You know me, Red."

"That's the point."

"Good night, Red," Alex told her and saw the red-haired woman disappear.

She sighed in relief and waited until the Russian woman would be out of sight. When she finally was, Alex got up, looking for the bathroom that was far away enough. She might be stupid right now but she was still careful. When a servant told her that there were other bathrooms on the fourth floor of the hotel,  
Alex walked to the elevators and waited for the doors to open. They finally did and as she pushed the button to the right floor, she heard someone yell, "Wait!"

Alex extended her arm to stop the doors from closing and had to laugh softly when she saw who stepped into the elevator.

"What a coincidence," Alex stated, making the blonde woman look up at her.

"Alex," Piper breathed out and realised that it was too late to get out of the elevator as the doors were already closed.

Alex leaned against the wall, eyeing the blonde woman who was nervously standing across from her, keeping a clear distance between them.

"Fourth floor?" Alex asked her as she was standing next to the buttons.

Eventually, Piper met her gaze and nodded her head in response. Alex sized her up and had to admit, she looked even better than last time, in case that was even possible. _And she realised another thing_. Piper was the type of girls who had bullied her back then when she had been a little girl. She was one of those Jessica Wedge type of girls who believed that they were the queen of fucking everything. Who believed that they were the centre of the whole universe.  
Who got everything handed on a silver plate and didn't need to move a finger to get what they wanted. At least, that was what Piper Chapman looked like from the outside. Yet, Alex knew, _Alex saw_ , that this golden-haired, young woman was so much more. _She just needed someone to show her that she was._

Piper noticed the way Alex was looking at her and it was the first time that somebody was looking at her this way. She couldn't figure out what Alex saw, though. When she eventually managed to take her eyes off of the brunette who looked absolutely stunning, she looked at her again when she heard her say,  
"I hate these events."

Piper thought for a second and when she remembered the last time she saw this purse Alex was holding, she replied, "Is that the reason you always get stoned?"

 _Piper, Piper, always so serious,_ Alex thought to herself and chuckled softly at the blonde's words, even though it was no joke.

"No, not really. I'm a junkie, remember?" she replied, reminding Piper of her own words.

The blonde just huffed in annoyance, tapping her fingers nervously as she wanted this ride to be over.

"Do you ever, like, I don't know, actually live? I mean, there's so much more you can do with your beautiful head than to overthink everything."

"I think that's none of your business."

"You see! You're thinking again."

"Just leave me alone, okay?" Piper told her, trying to stay patient.

"Why, because _I'm no good_?" the brunette quoted her again.

"It's your fault, you said so yourself in your touching speech. I was actually surprised to see that you were able to remember it as your brain has to be as big as a pea."

Alex liked this side of Piper. This _I-take-no-shit-from-anyone_ side. Especially when it was so easy for Alex to tease it out of her.

"Good one, Pipes."

"Don't call me that. We're no friends," Piper told her and was right. _They would never be friends._

"God, how slow is this stupid elevator," the blonde mumbled under her breath when she realised that they still haven't reached the floor.

Suddenly, the lights went off and the two women were caged alone in a dark elevator. There was a loud bang and Alex and Piper knew what just happened.

"Fuck," Alex cursed. "We're stuck."


	3. No Room For Space

_Chapter 3: No Room For Space_

"Oh really Miss Marple? Shit, this can't be happening right now," Piper said as she walked over to Alex to push the emergency button.

Not moving aside to make space for the blonde, Alex raised an eyebrow at her and watched her nervously actuating the button.

"Miss Marple? I wouldn't have taken you for someone who reads."

"Jesus, Alex, we're stuck in a fucking elevator… Hello? Hello! This is an emergency. The elevator stopped moving and now we're stuck," Piper talked into the speaker although she got no response.

"Hello?" she repeated again but to no avail.

"They can't hear you."

Piper just glared at Alex, too annoyed to respond to her words and eventually noticed how close they were standing next to each other. She saw that Alex was looking at her in the darkness and that the brunette kept her eyes on her although Piper caught her. They stayed like this for a moment, both staring at each other when Piper was brought back and pushed the button again.

"You can push it as strong as you want, it won't work. The electricity failed, that's why the lights went off, too."

As Alex's words left her mouth, the lights were suddenly on again. They flickered, though and Piper tried again to call for help.

"This shithole is worth more than 300 Million dollars but yet everything's as operative as in a flophouse," the blonde stated, rather talking to herself.

Alex just chuckled at her words and kept calm, unlike the other woman.

Turning her head to the side again to give the brunette a serious glance, Piper asked, "What's so funny?"

"You," Alex nonchalantly responded, a grin still on her face.

Piper only grumbled, muttering words under her breath Alex couldn't hear.

Trying to calm down, she let out a deep breath before she asked the her, "What now?"

"We wait," the raven-haired woman serenely answered and sat down on the ground, her back against the wall.

"Are you for real?! I think you don't understand the gravity of the situation, Alex. We're stuck, in an elevator," Piper pointed out when she saw how relaxed the brunette seemed to be.

"Well, and I think _you_ don't understand that we have no other options, Piper."

Realising that the brunette was right, one last idea popped up on Piper's mind.

"Do you have a phone?"

"I do."

Furiously, Piper said to her, "Then what are you waiting for?! Call someone."

"I would if the battery wasn't empty."

That was it, they would have to wait until somebody would notice that they were missing. Defeated, Piper walked over to the other side again and sat down across from her lovely companion. Silence surrounded them and whilst Piper didn't mind, Alex was more than eager to break it. With her index finger, the brunette pushed her glasses up on the bridge of her nose which didn't go unnoticed by Piper. She's trying so hard, Alex thought to herself and her deep chuckle filled the small room. She knew she won Piper's attention when the blonde dropped her head to glance at Alex, asking with knitted brows, "What?"

Eyeing her, Alex shrugged her shoulders and replied, "Nothing."

Piper copped the needle and shook her head, taking her eyes off Alex again.

Having lost their track of time, the two women didn't know how long they've been trapped now. And all this time, Piper acted as if Alex didn't exist.

"How long you're gonna do this? You can't ignore me. We're both in here, we have to deal with each other," the brunette eventually told her, trying to approach her.

Before Piper responded, she scoffed, keeping her gaze on the floor.

"I'm not ignoring you. And I don't have to do anything."

Alex sighed, realising that calling Piper a brain-teaser would be _an understatement._

"Well, then tell me what your problem is because I did you no mischief."

"I don't have a problem," Piper blankly informed her.

Letting out a sarcastic laugh, the brunette said, "Oh really? So, I'm the one who has a problem then? Because just like everyone else, I've got a perceptivity, too and I can tell that there's something wrong."

"You're right. You're the one who has a problem… or two."

This woman was definitely testing Alex's patience. Luckily, unlike Piper, the brunette could keep her composure. Yet, there was a serious tone in her voice when she spoke up.

"Jesus, why is it so hard for you to come around?!"

Piper immediately replied with raised brows, "Come around?! As in what? As in overlooking everything that's wrong with you come around?"

"I mean for you to come around like an actual human being. I mean for you to come around and treat me like an actual human being and realise what a WASPy, obstinate asshole you've been-"

"I'm an asshole?!" Piper exclaimed bewilderedly, pushing her upper body from the wall to straighten herself. "You know what? Forget it, I won't get myself into this."

Holding Piper's intense gaze, Alex told her as she also leaned forward as well, "Into what? Into a proper conversation?"

When the blonde didn't answer, Alex shook her head and let herself fall back again.

"Shit, I'm way too sober for this," she mumbled and reached for her purse to pull the thing out that had brought her into this messed-up situation in the first place.

"Are you serious?" Piper suddenly said and looked at the brunette again.

This time, Alex ignored her and opened her casket.

"No, you won't get stoned in here. Alex," the blonde warned her.

"Why? Because you say so?"

Not knowing what to say, Piper just glared at her and Alex stopped what she was doing and met her gaze. The brunette didn't know if it was her eyes or the expression on her face or everything combined but she reluctantly closed it again and put it back into her purse.

"Fine, I won't," she eventually told her and saw how Piper began to relax. "On one condition, though."

Raising an eyebrow at Alex, she asked her, "What?"

As Alex was to speak up again, the blonde cut her off, saying, "You're bleeding."

Alex's hand instantly found its way to her nostrils as if it were a reflex.

"Great," she muttered as she was looking with her free hand for a tissue in her purse.

Piper couldn't believe her eyes. For the first time, Alex looked vulnerable, even _assailable_. She didn't even see her like this in the ring. The blonde pulled her brows together and watched the other woman.

"Does this happen often?" she asked her with a light voice.

Locking her green eyes on Piper's blue ones, she harshly said, "What do you care?"

Ignoring Alex's coolness, the blonde got up and felt the brunette's eyes following her. She walked over to Alex and sat down next to her, this time not keeping a firm distance between them, though. Looking at the brunette's profile, Piper watched how Alex tried to make the bleeding stop. She wondered what the reason for it was- the brutal MMA fighting or the drugs and her question was answered before she could say it out loud.

"14 years of fighting and I never got my nose broken and still, it's bleeding all the time."

When she let her head fall back, she heard Piper say, "Don't tilt your head back. The blood could stream down into your throat. You should push your nostrils together, with your thumb and your index finger. Here, give it to me."

The brunette eventually faced her, raising one brow as she handed her the tissue. Piper took it and tore it in two halves, rolling each up. When they had the right form, Piper grabbed Alex's chin and lifted it. She carefully inserted each piece into Alex's nostrils. Not letting go of her chin, Piper explained to her whilst she checked if the nasal tamponades were steadily put in place, "You should lightly drop your head forward."

"I would if you didn't hold my chin this tight," Alex informed her.

Eventually, Piper realised that her hand was still on the brunette's chin and swiftly pulled her hand back, nervously looking up at the ceiling.

"To be honest, I expected you to pass out."

Slowly turning her head to look at Alex again, the blonde asked her, "Why?"

"Because of the blood. I've met enough women who collapsed because of it."

"Well, I'm obviously not like them."

 _She certainly wasn't._ The two women were silent and when the bleeding eventually stopped, Alex pulled the rolled up tissues out of her nose. She stared at them for a moment before she spoke up, "You know, quite apart from the fact that you don't like me and don't really want to talk, I'm curious. How'd you know what to do?"

Keeping her eyes fixed on her feet, Piper told her, "I was a medicine student before I became a model."

Alex didn't need to hear more. She could bet that Piper's rich, white parents had wanted her to become a doctor. The world expected so much from her and she accepted this burden. They were so different and yet, _Alex could understand her_. But she didn't want to overstep her boundaries and just nodded her head in response. Suddenly, the itching under her skin reminded Alex why she had gotten into this situation in the first place. She nervously scratched her arms, being fully aware that it wouldn't help. Piper noticed it, looking at Alex's hands that were clawing her skin.

"So, what was your condition?" Piper asked her, breaking the long silence and drawing her attention on Alex's words that had been cut off the blonde earlier.

Seeing that Alex's hands were still moving, Piper added, "You know, so I can meet your condition because you didn't…"

Finally, her hands stopped and the brunette lifted her gaze from her arms to Piper. Alex's forest met Piper's ocean. Both of them felt how their walls began to crumble. And although Piper was in the woods for a second and Alex couldn't breathe because she was drowning, there were a thousand oceans between them again as a ringtone filled the space between them and tore them apart again.

"Are you fucking serious?!" the blonde yelled at her, quickly pulling back and got up. "You told me your battery was empty!"

"I guess I was wrong."

Alex pushed herself up, too and looked at her mobile screen to check the caller ID.

"One of your bimbos?" Piper asked with despite in her tone.

Ignoring the call and Piper's anger, Alex tried to explain, "I needed you to listen to me, okay? If I had told you that we could use my phone to call for help, we would have gotten out of here within 2 minutes."

"Seriously?! Wait, did you set this all up? Are you the reason that we got stuck?!"

"What?! No, of course not! Trust me, I can think of a thousand places I'd rather be. I just saw our situation as an opportunity to make you to listen to me, okay?"

"I can't fucking believe it!" Piper furiously said, shooting a glance at Alex before she dragged the phone out of her hand.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" she added as she lifted the phone to her ear, waiting for the other person to answer Piper's call.

Stealing glances at Alex, the blonde impatiently waited for her friend to pick up the phone.

"Answer the damn call," Piper mumbled, walking from one side of the elevator to the other.

Alex's eyes followed Piper, who eventually spoke up, "Hello? Hel-… Shit! Now it's empty."

Giving the brunette her mobile back, Piper kept nervously walking in circles.

"Piper," Alex said and tried to approach her again.

"Don't."

The raven-haired woman sighed and leaned against the wall next to the buttons with her arms crossed over her chest. As she was still looking at the blonde, she eventually told her, "You do know that if you didn't shut me down all the time and actually listened to me, I would have called someone immediately."

Suddenly, Piper stopped and met Alex's gaze, a stern look on her face.

"So, that's my fault? Is that what you mean?" she said to her with a raised voice whilst she slowly was walking up to the other woman.

"Well, you're not completely innocent. I knew that you wouldn't be able to have an actual conversation with me, I mean you made it pretty clear to me the second we got stuck. So, yes, it actually is partly your fault."

"And you made it pretty clear to me why I can't fucking stand you. You're such a fucking, selfish, self-absorbed, manipulative asshole!" Piper replied as she put her hands next to Alex's head on the wall behind the brunette, leaving her no space to escape. Both women were surprised by Piper's offensive behaviour.  
It was the effect Alex was having on her. The brunette was bringing sides out of Piper that she didn't know existed. And neither did Alex as she turned her head to look at Piper's arms, her brows raised and an expression on her face that the other woman couldn't read. Alex was strong. She was a professional boxer. She was a control-freak as some would say. And yet, the thought of breaking out of Piper's cage that she built with her arms and her body didn't cross her mind.

Eventually, she returned her gaze on Piper's face again and nodded her head. Alex straightened herself to use her height to tower up and said with a surprisingly calm voice, "I know. It's not my fault that you have a shitload of problems, though. Don't lay all the blame on me, kid."

Alex's words made Piper pull the trigger when she suddenly slammed her palm against the wall next to the brunette's head. At the loud noise Alex's eyes fell shut and she opened them again when she heard Piper say, "You know nothing, Alex. Don't-"

"Hello, is this an emergency? In case it is, please push the first button," a voice told them through the speakers. Both women were frozen before they could react and reach for the button. Piper eventually dropped her hands and took her intense gaze off of Alex and walked over to push the first button.

She explained their situation and they were assured that they would get them out of the elevator in a few minutes. Letting out a deep breath, Piper was relieved. Finally, this charade found an end. She stayed at her spot and leaned against the wall, ignoring Alex and not even shooting a glance at her once. And to her astonishment, the brunette let her and didn't even try to say or do something about it.

They don't know how much time has passed until the elevator suddenly began to move. The doors eventually opened and they were on the main floor again. The hostess of the charity event was standing in front of them and waited until the two women stepped out of the lift. As they eventually did, he said,  
"We're so sorry that you got stuck. I suppose the reason for it was the short blackout. We managed to fix it but one of the engineers forgot about the elevator… We'll make it up to you. All drinks are on me tonight."

The elder man gave them a kind smile and _Piper was definitely going to take up this offer._ Yet, the professional the blonde was, she replied,  
"Oh, don't worry. We're fine."

"How long have we been in the elevator?" Alex suddenly spoke up.

Checking the time on his watch, he answered,"About forty minutes, Miss. Oh, and I insist on it."

Piper returned the smile and eventually nodded her head. He excused himself and left the two women alone. They stood still for a moment before Alex called the elevator again and stepped in. The blonde shot a glance at her, knowing what Alex was about to do and their ways parted when Piper walked to the main hall whilst Alex was on her way to her _own world._

* * *

"Come on, dance with me."

"I…can't," Alex explained, struggling to form a sentence.

After she came back from the restroom where she used more than she had anticipated, she fell back in her chair and it didn't pass much time until she attracted other women. And to say that she was high as a kite was an understatement. She even forgot about all the things that had happened before she was faded.  
The younger woman next to her who has been by her side since forever, at least that was how it felt like to Alex, was stroking her arm and whispering into her ear. But Alex wasn't really able to sense any of it. This stage was her favourite one. She was absolutely numb and didn't feel anything. It was on the verge of unconsciousness. And the brunette didn't know if any of the other people around her noticed her state. But she didn't care. _Let them talk_ , she heard a voice inside her head say and she swore she could feel her eyes roll back. Everything was blurry, everything was moving, everything was far away. Even the girl next to her was miles away. Nobody was able _to reach her,_ nobody was able _to make her feel,_ nobody was able _to be with her_. Not even if they were in the same state. _They still wouldn't find her._ The only thing that got under her skin and in her veins were the drugs. Yet, _she wanted company_. Although she wasn't able to embrace it.

"Do you have something left for me, Al? Some pills or shit?" the light-haired woman asked her, her hands roaming over Alex's body.

"Don't… I'm not Al… You can't call me… that," the brunette replied and slowly pulled her head forward to meet the other woman's gaze.

"Not here," Alex eventually told her and carefully stood up, needing something to hold onto. She didn't find anything, though and slowly grabbed her purse and her coat. All these people around her were making it hard for her to move. The main hall had turned into a dance floor and Alex could be certain that they didn't pay attention to her or her state. As she made her way through the crowd, frequently using other people's shoulders to find some support, the younger woman followed her. Stumbling, they finally reached the other hall and walked over to one of the elevators. Her companion wrapped an arm around Alex's waist to keep her from falling and Alex usually wasn't into such body contact. She was too high, though and let herself be led by the other woman. It felt like she wasn't even getting ahead. Alex knew that her legs were moving but she didn't really walk. Nevertheless, the two women reached the lift and waited for the doors to open. Alex leaned against the wall next to it and didn't even remember why she came here in the first place. The light-haired woman kissed her but Alex wasn't aware of it. She didn't feel her touches or heard any word she said to her between their kisses. _They don't want my love, they just want my potential,_ was all that she could hear. And a light, soft voice. It filled her ears and even reached her hearing. Alex opened her eyes and unknowingly broke the kiss as she pulled back to look for the person whose voice was ringing in her ears. With her blurry vision, she spotted the person. Squinting her eyes, Alex's eyes tried to focus on her.

"Let's get in, Alex," the younger woman told her and pulled her into the lift.

But the brunette didn't follow her. Instead, she somehow freed herself from her grip and walked away, leaving the other woman behind. She yelled after her but Alex wasn't paying attention and didn't hear her anyway. Taking small steps, the brunette made her way over to her target. She was at the desk of the hotel, arguing with the receptionist, that was all that Alex could take in.

"You need… to call my driver."

"I would, Miss, if I had his number."

"His name is Gerald."

"Fine but that doesn't help me. Miss, do you have his number?"

"Whose?"

"Shit, you're fucking hammered," Alex interrupted their conversation when she finally reached her.

"Miss, do you know this woman?" the receptionist asked, obviously unable to cope with the whole situation.

Turning her head to the side, Alex eyed the blonde suspiciously who didn't seem to have acknowledged her yet. As high as Alex had been a few minutes ago, she seemed to regain more and more consciousness. Unlike Piper, who was resting her hands on the desk to hold her weight.

"I'll take care of her," Alex assured him and put her arm around Piper's shoulder to gently pull her away from the reception. The brunette herself was struggling to keep her balance and Piper wasn't any help as she and her drunken body tore her down.

"Shit… You're heavier… than you look," Alex breathed out and her brain slowly began to work again as she was leading them to the front door.  
If they stepped out of that door, the paps would lunge at them immediately. And their states they were in would give them the perfect headline.  
The brunette sighed and stopped walking, standing with Piper in the middle of the hall. Whilst her arm held Piper steadily, she used her other arm to look for her mobile in her purse. When she eventually found it, trying to use it, the raven-haired woman slowly realised that it was empty. Her blurry mind had troubles to look for another solution. She licked her lips, wondering what she should do whilst Piper became heavier and heavier. The blonde leaned against Alex's side and they almost fell if Alex's reflexes hadn't worked.

"Damn lightweight," the brunette muttered and didn't expect Piper to hear her.

But she did and replied, "You're the lightweight… You champion… Go back to your… girlfriend."

"My girlfriend?" Alex asked, her brows pulled together.

When Piper didn't answer, the brunette looked at her and said, "Do you have a phone or something?"

"I won't give you my number, jerk."

"Oh, geez," Alex mumbled, feeling slightly sober again. "So I can call your driver, genius."

"Gerald," the blonde instantly said.

"Yes, Piper, Gerald…"

"No, his name is Gerald, idiot."

 _Why is it so hard to help her?_ Alex wondered and let out a deep breath.

"I need his number," she informed the blonde.

"Whose?"

"Jesus Christ," Alex muttered and decided to do something.

Holding Piper tightly, she reached with her free arm for the blonde's purse and fumbled, searching for her mobile. She eventually found it and called Piper's driver. They had to wait a few minutes before he'd arrive and Alex looked for another way to exit this hotel without being surrounded by paps. It wasn't easy, though, as her stoned mind and Piper were making it hard for her to function properly. Especially when the blonde seemed to have lost any stability and leaned against Alex. Tightening her grip on the shorter woman, Alex led them back to the reception again.

"Are there any other exits?"

"Yes, there is one down the hall."

"Which direction?" the brunette asked him, slight annoyance in her voice.

He showed it, using his hand and the two women began walking towards it. Suddenly, Piper stopped moving and the brunette sighed as she turned to look at her.

"Come on, kid. We're almost there," Alex told her and tried to push her forward.

"Where are we… going?" the blonde asked, a hiccup escaping her throat.

Inhaling deeply as if she tried to breathe cold air in to cool down, Alex blankly answered, "Home."

"And you're coming with me?"

Although Alex found it adorable how Piper slurred her words, she prickly explained, "I'm just making sure that you actually get home," and the moment her words fell from her lips, Alex wondered why she was doing what she was doing. She could be getting even higher right now with a beautiful stranger and be hooking up with that person. But instead, _she was here, with Piper_ , someone who wasn't a stranger but also not someone she knew. _Yet, she was taking care of her._

"You know… what… I'm thinking?" the blonde asked her out of nowhere as they were approaching the door.

"Nope, I don't even know what I'm thinking," Alex responded and grabbed the door knob to open the door.

"It's because you can't think."

"Jesus, kid, you're even more annoying when you're drunk," the raven-haired woman stated and used her coat to cover Piper underneath it. Sure, she didn't know Piper but she knew what kind of person she was. And she was sure that in case some photographers would find them in this moment, it would be disastrous for Piper if they saw her like this. _At least Piper would think that it would be disastrous._

"I think… that… you have a big…," a hiccup interrupted her and the brunette finished her sentence.

"Butt? I know. Thanks, though."

"I wasn't finished… I think that… you, Alex… you have a… big… helper syndrome."

 _And Alex realised that Piper might be even right_. The brunette wasn't even sure if she liked Piper, yet, when she had seen her at the reception minutes ago,  
she had dropped everything because the urge to help her had been to big. The two women were on a sidewalk, standing at the street Piper's driver would pick her up. As Alex's coat was still covering the blonde, the shorter woman suddenly wrapped one arm with a tight grip around the brunette's waist. When she felt Piper's slim arm around her body, Alex realised that _she wasn't numb anymore._

"And the reason for it… is…"

"Shit, do you ever stop talking?" Alex cut her off, the whole time looking in different directions.

"I'm just getting started… You're an asshole… You know that?"

"I've been told," the brunette absentmindedly said to her.

"So, where was I?"

"And you're making it really hard for other people to help you, you know that?"

Alex could feel how Piper intensified her grip on her as the blonde pushed her nails into the brunette's side. Eventually, a black car appeared and stopped next to them. An elder man stepped out of it, making its way to the two women.

"Gerald," Piper cheerfully greeted him when she spotted her driver.

"Good evening, Miss Chapman. Miss Vause," he said and wrapped one arm around Piper as well to get her into the car.

When she eventually was, Alex was standing next to the door. Gerald was standing in front of her when he said, "Thank you, Miss Vause."

"Alex," the brunette corrected him.

"Alex, I hope this isn't too much to ask for but would you accompany us? I'm not the youngest, obviously and I usually have someone with me who helps me to get Miss Chapman home. But before I had brought Miss Chapman here, she had told me that he wouldn't need to work tonight... I won't be able to bring her home alone."

"Are you asking me to be the muscleman?"

"Well," he hesitated before he continued, "if you put it that way… I'm sorry, Miss Vause… Alex. It was just an idea."

His awkwardness made Alex chuckle and she made her way to the other side of the car, opened the door and got in. Sighing in relief, Gerald stepped into the car as well and turned on the engine. Alex was sitting next to the blonde who didn't seem to be aware of Alex's presence. Piper was leaning against the window, resting her chin in her palm. Eyeing her, Alex couldn't believe that she was in this situation she was in right now and wondered how she had gotten herself into it. Piper made it pretty clear, not only once, how she was thinking of Alex and yet, all these things Piper had said to her and had called her seemed to _deflect off Alex._ Maybe it was because that she was in some way bulletproof as she didn't give a crap about what people thought of her. Or maybe it was the fact that Piper was an attractive woman and Alex was trying to get into her bed. Or maybe in the end, it was simply because _opposites did attract._

Eventually, Alex managed to take her emerald eyes off Piper and got lost in her own thoughts of her faded mind. She didn't even notice that the blonde was staring at her, wondering why Alex was still by her side but she was too drunk to find an answer, she wasn't even looking for one. Instead, she kept her gaze on her and, although she wouldn't remember this in the morning, _she admired Alex._ _She was beautiful._ Her angular chin. Her perfectly formed nose. Her strong cheekbones. Her thin eyebrows that Alex could raise perfectly. Her dark hair. Her full, red lips that Piper wanted to kiss. _Kiss?_ Alex was a woman and yet, Piper wanted to feel Alex's lips on her own. _It is the alcohol,_ she would tell herself if she could think straight. But her mind was dizzy and people in such a state tend to do things they wouldn't do if they were sober. She didn't forget that Alex was cocky, though. She didn't forget that Alex was an asshole. And nevertheless, _it wouldn't stop her_. In her eyes, Alex was the devil and _it still wouldn't stop her._ She was too beautiful to be a human being and yet, her heart was too ugly to make her an angel. She had to be the devil itself. Because the thoughts that came to Piper's mind, the things she was feeling when she was looking at her, and the fire that burned her skin so lovely every time Alex would touch her. These were things only Alex was able to create. Nevertheless, _Piper didn't like her._  
 _She didn't like the way Alex thought she was the best and greatest person in the whole world. She didn't like the way Alex didn't care about anyone or anything but herself. She didn't like the way Alex needed drugs. She didn't like the way Alex's smug grin made Piper lose her composure. She didn't like the way Alex's black hair fell loosely over her broad shoulders. She didn't like the way Alex's raspy voice said her name. She didn't like the way Alex pushed up her glasses on the bridge of her nose. She didn't like the way Alex's emerald eyes shone and was the only colour Piper could see as everything else faded to black._  
 _And mostly, she didn't like the way Alex made her feel._ Because although she didn't like Alex, she liked the way she felt around her. _And she hated it._ Because it _felt so good_. And the worst thing was, Piper didn't even know her. She thought she knew her well enough to judge her. But she didn't know her well enough to understand why Alex was having such an effect on her. She didn't know why. Because she realised that no matter if she was sober or drunk, Alex left her no space and could push her effortlessly close to her. The tension that had surrounded them when they had been trapped in the elevator. The tension that had surrounded them when Alex had trapped her in the bathroom at the club a few days ago. The tension that had surrounded them when Piper had had her own arms next to Alex's head and had captured her. _Neither of them would give each other space_. _There was no room for space._ Although they were no longer stuck in the lift, the feeling of being trapped didn't leave her. It was like they were stuck in their own elevator. And these thoughts weren't influenced by the alcohol in her system. These thoughts were influenced by her own feelings. The only difference between being sober and drunk was that Piper would be willing to give in. She would cross the line and _annihilate the very last little piece of space that was present._

"Take a picture, it lasts longer," a husky voice suddenly silenced her thoughts and she saw that Alex turned her face to meet her gaze.

Their eyes locked and at the same time, _unlocked each other._ Only for a second, though, as Piper pulled her brows together and shook her head.

"You're so full of yourself," Piper managed to say in one sentence, this time without much despite, though and closed her eyes as she leaned back into her seat.

"And yet you're the model."

The blonde opened one eye to glance at the other woman who was looking out of the window again.

* * *

"Kid, wake up. You're home," a raspy voice said from far away. And although Piper believed that she could feel these words on the fair skin of her face, they didn't reach her. Her drunkenness was controlling her and it was so exhausting that she had fallen asleep.

"She's really asleep, like, fast asleep," Alex said to Piper's driver who was looking at the two women over his shoulder as he was sitting on the driver's seat.

"What now?"

"Oh, I'm sure you already know the answer," Alex deadpanned.

"I'll drive you home afterwards, Miss Va- Alex. I owe you," he informed her with big relief in his voice. He wouldn't be able to get a drunken, asleep Piper out of the car and into her apartment, let alone carry her. They both knew it. And again, Alex wondering why she had agreed to everything in the first place as she got out of the car and walked over to other side of it. She opened the door and took Piper's wrists to place them around her neck. Alex slung one arm around Piper's back and her other around the blonde's slim knees. Thankfully, she wasn't stoned anymore and was actually capable of holding her own balance and to actually hold Piper. When she was certain that she had placed her arms properly, she carefully pulled Piper out of the car and held her like a bride as she was waiting for Gerald to walk up to her. Holding the key to the building in his hand, he turned to Alex, saying, "Follow me." He led them towards the door of the huge building whose outlines Alex could make out in the dark. They were in the hall, lights finally illuminating them and as they were walking up to the elevator, Alex stopped.

"No, no more elevators please. Just give me the key and I'll handle the rest," she explained, making the elder man turning around.

"Are you sure?"

Alex nodded in response, extending one hand as far as she could and took the keys.

"Her apartment is on the seventh floor," he informed her.

"You're kidding," Alex blankly said as she was looking at him in disbelief.

Gerald cleared his throat before he reminded the brunette, "You can still use the lift."

"And eventually get stuck again? With her? No, thanks," Alex stated and walked past him towards the stairs.

"Drive home," she told him and made her way up to Piper's apartment.

"I'll make it up to you, Alex," she heard him say but didn't care.

She kept walking and walking, occasionally speaking to Piper as an attempt to wake her up. But of course, the _little princess_ didn't and Alex could slap herself in the face.

"I really have to reconsider my decisions in life," she muttered under her breath as she eventually reached the right floor.

Alex stood in front of the door and unlocked it. Grabbing the door knob, she opened it and she inhaled deeply.

"Finally," she breathed out and closed the door again. Needing light to orient herself, Alex looked for a light switch but of course, she didn't find one.  
Cursing, she blinked her eyes repeatedly to get them used to the dark. All she could see were a few doors and a stair. Throwing her head back, she wondered which door would be the one to Piper's bedroom. To be honest, she had imagined the moment she would get Piper around differently. She would have taken her to a luxurious hotel, would have taken the biggest suite for them for only a half night and would have fucked Piper until she wouldn't feel her own legs in the next morning. But instead, she was holding Piper as if they had just gotten married and was in her apartment to bring her to bed. Piper's arms were still wrapped around Alex's neck and she could feel how her grip slightly increased.

"Piper," Alex whispered again, trying to wake her up.

The blonde's response was just a soft murmur and although that wasn't the answer or reaction Alex wanted, the sides of her lips faintly rose. After she had opened every door on the floor, Alex realised that Piper's bedroom had to be upstairs. Sighing, she walked up the stairs and wondered if the night would ever end. When she reached the floor, the big windows that were walls of the building and offered a beautiful view over the whole city let the moon light shine through and Alex saw that this whole floor was the bedroom. There was another door on the floor which Alex assumed would be the door to the bathroom. There was one giant bed in the middle of the floor and Alex approached it, looking forward to end this crazy night. She stood at the side of the bed and gently laid Piper down. She grabbed the end of the blanket and placed it over the blonde, looking one last time at the woman before she turned around to leave.

 _I need some company,  
I need some company_  
 _I need you to take my mind off being in my prime_  
 _Some company_

 _I just hate sleeping alone_  
 _I hate sleeping alone_  
 _So she's here_  
 _and we're both so gone_

"I can't sleep in this tight dress," a soft voice stopped her.

Not turning around, Alex replied, "I thought you were asleep."

"You're not the only one who can be manipulative, Alex," Piper told her, her drunkenness still audible in her words.

Alex closed her eyes before she looked back and approached Piper who was lying on her stomach on the bed. The brunette saw the zipper of the dress that was on Piper's back and hesitated for a moment. Piper noticed it and said, "Now you're shy?"

Snorting, Alex raised an eyebrow at her when she saw that Piper turned her face to look at her. The dark-haired woman bended over Piper's back and grabbed the zipper of the dress to pull it down. She did it slowly and Piper felt again like there was _no room for space._ A sharp breath escaped her lungs when she could Alex's finger brush like a feather over her bare skin on her back. Eventually, she rolled over, now lying on her back and met Alex's intense gaze.  
Propping herself up on her elbows, the blonde grabbed the sides of her dress and pushed it down. When her dress was off, she clumsily grasped it and tossed it aside. She let herself fall back onto the mattress and slowly pulled the blanket up to her chin. She knew she would drift off to sleep in a second but when she heard Alex say wishing her a good night and her footsteps taking her away from her, Piper's blue eyes shot open again.

"Don't," was the only word that fell from her lips and she heard no more steps.

"Kid, I'm tired, it's been a long night and we all had fun but I still need some sleep," Alex began to ramble and yet all her arguments became powerless when Piper said, "Don't go."

Standing with her back to the blonde, Alex was arguing with herself what she should do. She wasn't someone who was into cuddling and sharing a blanket and breakfast in bed. That wasn't her _thing_. Yet, it was like her mind has turned off and all she could hear was Piper's soft voice that was clinging to her. And it was like there was _no space for her to escape_. The only way she could go was to Piper. She let out a deep breath as she decided what she would do and approached the big bed, stripping out of her dress which didn't go unnoticed by Piper. Alex could nearly feel the blonde's hungry eyes on her and casually said as she laid down next to her, "I can't sleep in this tight dress."

When she found a comfortable position, Alex was on her back and looked up at the ceiling that was a big window instead of a normal roof. The view was breathtaking but when turned her head to look at Piper who was lying on her side with her eyes closed, Alex thought that this view was _even more breathtaking._ Shaking her head as if she tried to shake these thoughts off, Alex closed her eyes as well. _So much for making decisions,_ she thought to herself and before she fell asleep, she heard Piper tell her, "I still don't like you, Al."

* * *

 _Well, I'm honestly not sure about this one but let me know what you think!  
I'm always looking forward to your reviews and I'm always happy when I see how many people like this story.  
To my readers of my other story, there'll definitely be a new chapter next week! _

_Xx_


	4. Changes

_Chapter 4: Changes_

"You know what? Your middle name should be cock blocker as fuck."

"And you know what? Yours should be sleep blocker as fuck."

Alex shot a glance at her best friend who added, mimicking Alex's voice, " _Hey, I need a ride home but like a real ride. Who should I call? Oh right, Nicky cause she doesn't live in Brooklyn and has actually a life and just wakes up no matter what time it is to pick Sasquatch up who's tired and also tired of some bimbo whose brain she fucked out last night._ Yes, I'm one hell of a cock blocker."

"Fuck off," the brunette said to Nicky who was driving her home.

"Next time you'll walk home, Vause. You can be glad that I even picked up the phone. You were calling from an unknown number."

"Mobile's dead," she blankly explained as she was staring out of the window, cupping her own cheek. She blamed Nicky for calling her when she and Piper had been trapped in the elevator. If she hadn't called, the night would have ended differently. Silence surrounded them and Alex was confused. Every day after having been high and completely faded usually made her realise how the world actually sucked because everything was just black and white. Not in some "either-this-or-that" way but in some depressing, empty way. She simply called it dark shit because that was what it was, _dark shit._ Because every day after having been high and completely faded and the last bit of her jag had left her system, the world tried to suck the last bit of colours out of her life. But this morning when her green eyes, no hint of drugs visible in them, had opened, she could have sworn her world had never been brighter. She could have sworn that the sun was up although the rain was coming down in sheets. This morning when her green eyes had opened and she had been more than down, it had felt like she had still been high. Because the way _her_ warm breath had touched Alex's pale, cold skin, the way _her_ light, golden loose strands had been spread over _her_ flawless body, the way _her_ sky blue eyes had been closed but Alex had still been able to find stars in them, the way _her_ soft lips had slightly been apart and had inhaled Alex and the way there had been nearly no distance between them. For a moment, Alex had believed that she was still sleeping because it felt like a dream. Everything had been blurry around _her_ like in a dream where you can't focus on anything but simply one thing. And this one thing had been _Piper_.  
That was the reason Alex was confused. Because she should feel terrible. She was down, she was low and yet she felt like she was still on some sort of drugs. _But why? Why wasn't the first thing she thought when she had woken up to pop some pills again because she wouldn't be able to face reality? Why hadn't she pulled back when she had opened her eyes and had seen Piper? Piper, who had been so close to her that Alex would have usually gotten claustrophobic? Piper, who didn't like her but hadn't wanted her to go? Alex, what the fuck?_ she had thought to herself when she had caught herself. When she had caught herself staring at Piper and had noticed the littlest things about her. And she was still thinking those things to herself whilst she was sitting in her car. _What the actual fuck?_ Because if she did feel terrible, she didn't feel terrible because she was sober again. Because if she did feel terrible, she felt terrible because she had reluctantly left Piper and disappeared, things the dark-haired woman usually did after she had spent a night with any other woman. That was the reason she was confused. _Why had it felt so terrible when she had done it this morning? Why wasn't it hard for Alex to understand that she had agreed to stay when Piper had asked her to? Or was Alex still high?_

"Earth to Vause," Nicky's voice tore her out of her search for answers, making her thin brows raise.

"Hm?"

When her friend didn't speak up, Alex turned her head and looked at her. Nicky was eyeing her suspiciously, so Alex asked blankly, "What?"

Her question earned a deep chuckle from Nicky who returned her eyes back on the road.

"Was she that good?" she eventually questioned the taller woman.

That made it all even worse. Alex hadn't even slept with Piper. Alex had just shared a bed with Piper. _If Nicky only were right_ , she thought to herself. It would make everything easier. Then Alex would understand why she was so interested in the blonde beauty. She could only imagine what it would be like to crush Piper's lips, she could only imagine what it would be like to touch Piper's unflawed skin, she could only imagine what Piper would taste like. Because all they had done this night was to actually sleep. Not with each other, but _next to each other_. That was usually an absolute no go for Alex. She knew what she'd do with a woman she would share a bed with. _So why, why didn't it bother Alex that the previous night had ended differently that any other night she had had with all those other women before? Why didn't it bother Alex that she had fallen asleep next to Piper when she usually loved sleeping alone? Why was she still thinking about Piper? Piper. A woman she didn't know, a woman she didn't particularly like, a woman that didn't like her, a woman that wasn't like her?_

"No way!" Nicky exclaimed when she didn't get a response from her friend.

Knitting her brows together, Alex faced her, not completely out of her thoughts, though.

"You didn't get laid!"

"What?" the brunette scoffed and tried to change the subject. "Can you drop me at the club?"

"So you can get rid of all that bottled-up frustration because you couldn't let it out last night? Sure," Nicky told her, answering her own question.

"What the fuck are you talking about, Nichols?"

Raising an eyebrow at her friend next to her, Nicky explained, "I know you, Vause. And by the look on your face I can tell that you haven't had breakfast yet, let alone a midnight snack."

"You're so gross. Do you even listen to yourself? Like, when you speak?" Alex asked and averted Nicky's gaze.

"Just look in the mirror, asshole. The thirst is real."

Alex just snorted and when she did, it reminded her of Piper because that was something she'd do a thousand times around Alex. _Wait. Why did the blonde's face have to cross her mind because of it?_ Alex told herself that she needed to see Piper again. _To fuck her_. To get her out of her system. That was the one and only reason. Alex was a predator and Piper her prey. Piper was just a conquest. _Nothing more._ And she deserved to be fucked the way Piper was fucking Alex's mind. _Very simple._

"Do that snort-thing again and I swear to god I'll kick you out of my car," Nicky warned her.

Ignoring her snarky comment, Alex asked her absentmindedly, "Hey, can you give me your mobile?"

"What for?"

"I just need to text someone," Alex lied and extended her arm, waiting for her friend to hand her her cellphone.

Giving her a questioning look, Nicky pulled it out of her pocket and gave it to her friend. Alex opened the call list and copied the unknown number that had called Nicky this morning and sent it to herself. Just in case Piper wouldn't find Alex's note…

* * *

The heavy rain drops were knocking against the windows and a little hammer was knocking against her temple as well. The noise and the annoying pain slowly pulled Piper out of her dream. Her blue eyes fluttered open a couple times until she was awake enough to keep them open. As her conscious began to work,  
her headache increased and the blonde lifted one hand to press it against her forehead as if she tried to shield it. In vain, though and she needed some time to orient herself and to realise what even had happened. Propping herself up on one of her elbows, Piper saw how she was actually lying her bed. She was usually sleeping on the left side of the bed, it was a simple habit. That was why she was surprised when she acknowledged that she had been lying on the right side.  
It was nothing to worry about, yet, Piper asked herself why. Suddenly, she was more than wide awake because _everything seemed so different._ The first thing she noticed was the different scent that yet, smelled _familiar_. Pulling her brows together, Piper grabbed the pillow she wasn't lying on that was on the right side of the bed and lifted it to her nose. She inhaled the odour that was still lingering on it. It was a mixture of smoke, leather and roses. She took one more deep breath to find a connection. Because she knew this scent, she's smelled it but she was still looking for a match. The smell wasn't only familiar. _Piper liked it._ Slowly, Piper started to realise even more things. As if the pillow were burning, she realised that it was still warm. And she hadn't been sleeping on it. She had been lying on the right side of the bed but she had still been lying on her pillow from the left side. Breathing in the scent again to help herself to find an answer to all those questions, an image popped up. An image of the person whose scent and warmth was still present in Piper's bed. _Alex._

"No no no no no no no no," Piper panicked and immediately lifted her blanket and was kind of relieved when she saw that she wasn't naked.  
 _What happened,_ she asked herself and eventually sat up. She almost forgot about her headache that made itself felt again when the blonde's eyes fell on the nightstand next to her bed. There was a glass of water on it. And a note. It immediately won Piper's interest and she reached for it. Holding it in her hand she saw something written on it in a handwriting she didn't know.

 _You owe me._

 _A_

And a number underneath it. Piper scoffed but was still staring at the note that she was holding in her hand.

"That's so Alex," she said to herself and shook her head.

She put the note back on the nightstand and grabbed the glass to take a big sip. Piper was still wondering what had happened last night. Especially why out of everyone, Alex had happened to probably escort her home and to even spend the night with her. So many questions and no answers. She would get some, though if she… No, she would be too proud to call Alex. Especially because Alex was again this cocky and arrogant to expect Piper to call her. Yet, she was wondering why she was in Alex's debt.

 _I'm just making sure that you actually get home._

 _Kid, wake up. You're home._

Little by little, the black, empty holes in Piper's memory filled with recollections. She remembered the charity event. She remembered Alex's speech. She remembered them being stuck in the elevator. She remembered staring at a stoned Alex who had been making out with some bitch. She remembered the doubled drinks she had drunk. She remembered Alex holding her to lead her out of the hotel and into Gerald's car. She remembered Alex carrying her home and laying her softly on her bed. And the final thing she remembered were her own words.

 _Don't go._

"Fuck," she cursed and let herself fall back onto the mattress of her king-size bed.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck."

She blamed the alcohol for her actions. _Alcohol was the reason these two words had slipped out of her mouth. Alcohol was the reason she hadn't wanted to sleep alone. Alcohol was the reason she had craved Alex's company, Alex's closeness. Alcohol had said these two words and alcohol had controlled her. Right? If Alex hadn't been around someone else would have ended up in her bed. Right?_ It didn't make sense, though because Piper never let any strangers into her home, no matter if she was sober or drunk. It all didn't make sense. Piper knew what had happened last night and she was even more confused than before because, although she knew the answers to her questions, one remained unanswered. _Why Alex?_ And deep down, a little voice was telling her that Piper already knew the answer.

Groaning, she got out of her bed. She needed a shower to get rid of the last pieces that would remind her of the last night and hoped that, if she couldn't dump one thing, it would be her headache.

* * *

"Alright, so, your cock blocker AKA driver AKA best friend has some stuff to do that doesn't involve her best friend AKA pain in the ass. Do you know how you'll get home?"

Alex faced Nicky and raised her brows and Nicky knew what she was getting at.

"No, forget it," the shorter woman instantly answered her question.

"Nicky, my phone's dead. I don't know any numbers except yours or my mum's number or my own. How am I supposed to call my real driver without his number?"

"Then call a cab," Nicky boldly suggested.

"Very funny."

"Seriously, what happened last night? You're acting weird as fuck and Alex, look in the mirror."

Rolling her eyes, Alex did what Nicky asked her to and looked in the rearview mirror. At a first glance, she didn't notice anything but at a second, she did.

"My glasses… I must have forgotten them," Alex realised. _At Piper's place._

She didn't do it on purpose but Alex had to admit, it would be a good pretence to meet the blonde again.

"Did you take something new?"

Knitting her eyebrows together, Alex asked, "What?!"

"Because, may I correct myself? You're middle name should be weird as fuck."

With her smirk on her face, the brunette looked at Nicky and said, "I gotta go," before she opened the door and stepped out of her friend's car.

"What about your clothes, Queen Margaret? I don't feel like your attire fits."

"I've got some clothes in my locker, wise ass. See you later, Nick, when you'll pick me up," she said and closed the door, walking towards the club where _everything had begun._

The first time she had entered this club, she had been fourteen years old and had spent another night at a police station because she hadn't known how to deal with her anger. Her mother had just been diagnosed with cancer and that had been the greatest proof that the whole world was against Alex. The kids at school who had been bullying her, her teachers who had told her she wouldn't go far in life, her father who had abandoned her before she had even been born.  
And then the world had wanted to steal from Alex the only piece that had been holding it all in place. _It's me against the world,_ she had realised and it had become her stigma. The world had unleashed _a beast_. So, this one day, she had gotten into a fight with some of those fuckers at school and Alex hadn't wanted to control herself anymore. Her fists had been red as they had been completely covered in his blood and some of her knuckles had been broken. As usual, her teachers hadn't known what to do with Alex and they had called the police. _And this had become a routine_. The police had had to show up almost every day at school because Alex had stopped caring. Alex had stopped to feel anything. Alex had been broken and she had felt like it had been fair to break those other people, too. So, when everyone else had realised that she had been a _lost cause_ , they had threatened her with putting her into an orphan asylum. She had been no orphan but there had been no one else who could have taken care of her. And Alex hadn't wanted to be imprisoned. She had had to be there for her mother. The other option had been to join a gym to deal with her anger issues. Alex wouldn't have thought that this decision she had made ten years ago would have had this impact on her life.

She pushed the heavy door open, making her way to the changing rooms where her locker was that has been hers for ten years. Unlocking it, Alex grabbed her shorts, top and shoes and looked forward to get out of her dress. After she had quickly changed into her sports clothes and washed her face, the brunette walked down the stairs to the cage she had had her first fight in. Her first _illegal_ fight. This gym wasn't this kind of gym everyone would assume. Yes, people could come here and work out and train but it was all just a cover to hide the truth. On the first floor of the gym, there were training tools for everyone who fell for the cover. Because in the huge basement of this gym was the truth hidden. _A secret fight club_. And back then, when Alex had been a little girl and had quickly made herself a name in Red's gym, the Russian woman had been the first person who had seen something in her besides her mother. And when Red had decided that Alex had been old enough and could be trusted, the red-haired woman had let her in the secret and had introduced her to it. Although Alex had had a rough start because all she had been able to do had been to place her anger in her fists and to punch as hard as she could, Red had given her whole and utter attention and had become her trainer. And ever since that moment, Alex had become the fighter she was today. _The black beast_.

It was early yet not too early for anyone to have an illegal, well paid fight with the champion, Alex knew and was eventually in the basement. There was a fight going on and Alex stood in the back and watched them. But when she acknowledged that her glasses were missing and she couldn't really see, she approached the little office on the left side of the cellar to check if Red was there.

"Red's not here," the Spanish woman told her.

"Yeah, I figured." Alex turned around and looked at her. Her name was Gloria and she was something like Red's co-owner. It was Red who had founded this secret fight club and although she was doing everything to keep it a secret, Gloria had found it out. Not having wanted to make a big fuss about it as Red hated drama, she had come to an agreement with the Spanish woman. Gloria and her girls have been members of this fight club ever since. And Alex enjoyed to teach them a lesson.

"Hey Alex, where's Nicky?" a quirky voice asked with the thickest Brooklyn accent.

"She just dropped me off but when she finds out that you're here I'm sure she'll be more than eager to pick me up."

Lorna smiled at Alex's response and walked past her into the office. The little woman was in charge for the organisational stuff Red couldn't take care of.  
Sure, this fight club was a secret but everyone who could keep it a secret was allowed to fight here. And most people just liked the thrill of doing something illegal and showed up almost every night as a spectator or a fighter.

Turning her attention to Gloria again who was talking to one of her girls, Alex approached her and asked, "I wanna go into the cage, do you have an opponent for me?"

"Sure, Vause. Warm up first," Gloria said to her without looking at her.

Grinning to herself, Alex nodded and walked up to the punchbags of the other side of the room. At first, she took a skipping rope and had to admit that her stamina was better than she had expected. The brunette eventually sat down on the bench and already saw Lorna approaching her with bandages in her hands. The short woman was standing in front of her and Alex lifted her hands. Whilst she was bandaging her hands, Lorna spoke up.

"You look good. I mean, considering that you got hit pretty bad by Carlin and you know… _the drugs_."

Rolling her eyes, Alex said, "Did Nicky tattle again?"

"No!" the short woman instantly answered but eventually admitted, "Yes but-"

"Just leave it be, Lorna," the dark-haired woman cut her off, feeling the tight grip of the bandages around her knuckles.

"We're just worried about you, Alex, that's all. What are we supposed to do when our champion gets out of shape? What is Red going to do?"

"Oh, I've got a few things on my mind what she'd do," Alex stated and the two women laughed.

"She'd probably rip you a new one," Lorna commented and was finished with the bandages.

Standing up, Alex looked down at Lorna. "Thanks."

"Oh, never mind. Somebody's gotta have the sure instincts."

The taller woman smiled at her and when she positioned herself in front of the punchbag, Lorna asked her, "Oh, what about your glasses? Do you want me to store them for you?"

With a slight smirk on her face, Alex kept her eyes on the punchbag as she told her, "Don't worry, they're at a safe place."

"Don't think I'll go easy on you just because you've got some titles, Vause," Flaca warned her as she and Alex stepped into the cage.

"I don't want you to, Puta," Alex replied teasingly.

"Oh, she can speak Spanish. You think you're smart, crackhead?"

Alex just smiled, being amused by the way her opponent was trying to provoke her. She didn't need more fuel. As soon as Alex would enter the cage, her beast would be free. And people tended to forget that. Flake wasn't an amateur. She's been a member of the club for a long time yet it's been even longer that Alex had fought against her the last time. The last time Alex had only been fighting illegally and Flaca internally wished to be a professional fighter like Alex.

"Enough ladies, leave the talking to your fists. You know the rules, I don't want any ugly fighting, you understand?" Big Boo reminded them who was their referee.

The two fighters nodded, their eyes fixed on each other and they bumped each other's fist before they walked over into their corner. Clenching her jaw, Alex made sure that her mouthpiece was in place and when she heard the bell ring, she released the dark animal. Shifting her weight from one leg onto her other, Alex approached Flaca but waited for her to do the first move. The distance between them decreased and to Alex's surprise, her opponent didn't wait too long to attack her. Just in time, Alex managed to dodge the other woman's punch and in her movement, landed a punch on her into her rib. Alex might be short-blinded but with her experience, she didn't need to see properly to find her opponent's weak spots. She heard a sharp breath escaping Flaca's mouth and tried to urge her against the fence of the cage. Flaca realised what Alex was about to do, though and tried to take the upper hand by attacking her opponent instead of defending herself. When she reached forward to hit Alex's side, she already assumed that she'd avoid her punch by leaning to the side. Alex's body weight was one-sided and the Spanish woman saw her opportunity and tackled her opponent. As Alex's back hit the hard floor because she used her hands to drag her opponent down with her, her lungs failed to supply her with oxygen for a moment. She didn't panic, though and swiftly moved that she was on top of the other woman. Alex used her legs to capture Flaca's abdomen, making it hard for her to move. Whilst she was capturing her opponent, Alex hauled off and hit the woman underneath her who was still struggling to free herself. Alex punched her repeatedly in the face and although Flaca covered her face with her left hand as she hit Alex back with her other, the professional fighter knew she could knock her out the next moment. But she wouldn't, _she needed to stave off her hunger._

Eventually, Flaca managed with one swift move to push Alex off her. The two women immediately sprang to their feet, neither of them willing to show any sign of exhaustion. Alex quickly closed the distance between to kick her right into the gut but before she did, Flaca caught her ankle and pulled Alex closer to her to beat her. She hit Alex's cheek hard but the pain that instantly rushed into it rather propelled her. A cocky smirk found its way on her face and when Flaca saw it, she knitted her brows in confusion before Alex pushed herself off her by kicking her with her other feet. Flaca let go of her leg and stumbled backwards. As the two were apart for a moment, Alex wondered when she would finish this charade. There were no rounds. Once you'd enter this cage, you'd either step out of it yourself or be carried out of it. And Alex had experienced both outcomes. She saw the other woman approaching her again and when the distance wasn't too big between them, Alex waited for her opponent's move. It eventually came as Flaca stepped lightly aside and beat Alex's uncovered right side. She hit her ribs and a sharp breath got stuck in Alex's throat, making it hard for her to breathe. When she saw Flaca aiming for the same spot again as she was aware what it had done to Alex, the real boxer of them trapped her arm and slapped her face before she wrapped her strong arms around Flaca's waist and lifted her swiftly to drop her violently on the ground. Flaca landed on her back and again, Alex straddled her whilst she captured the woman underneath her. Flaca was moving like a fish that was outside of the water, shaking and moving her limbs aggressively. _Alex would release her_. With one final, hard punch into her opponent's face, Alex felt the movements underneath her coming to a halt.

Alex eventually got up, her eyes fixed on the ground as she walked towards the exit of the cage. When she stepped out of it, Gloria and Maritza, one of Flaca's friends that Alex usually called ''lapdog'' rushed past her into the cage.

" _Chinga tu madre_ ," Alex heard the lapdog mumble when she pushed her aside with her shoulder on her way into the cage.

The only word Alex really understood was '' _madre_ '' and it was enough for her to stop dead in her tracks and to turn around, searching with her hate-filled eyes for the woman who had said those things.

"What'd you say?" Alex asked, in her voice the calm before the storm.

" _Vete a la verga culero_ ," Maritza replied without looking at Alex as she helped Flaca up.

"Maritza," Gloria warned her but it was too late.

Walking slowly back into the cage, Alex said to her, this time her voice slightly raised, "No, you go fuck yourself. Repeat what you just said."

She gave her one last chance and when she was back in the cage, she walked up to the women.

"I'm sure you heard me right, you fucking _coño_!" Maritza said to the taller woman.

The other members began to gather around the cage and watched the scene that was taking place inside of it.

For a moment, Alex stopped and just returned her gaze before she finally took off her gloves.

By the look on the dark-haired woman's face, everyone could tell what was about to happen.

"Alex," Gloria tried and put a hand on Alex's shoulder to stop her. _But no one could tame a beast._

With her eyes still fixed on Maritza, she just pushed Gloria's hand off her shoulder and stepped up to her target. Flaca was on her feet again but was obviously still wiped out. Lorna was eventually in the cage, too but besides the fact that Alex was more than two heads taller than her, she wouldn't listen to her. The brunette heard her say her name multiple times and even felt a grip on her arm but ignored it all. This smug expression on Maritza's was provoking Alex almost as much as the thing she had said to her. The only way to calm herself down was to beat it out of her face.

Even when Alex was about to reach her, the Spanish woman was still holding her chin high and Alex could swear that Maritza was basically asking for it. So, she would gladly it to her and eventually reached her. Her sense was still controlling her and she just stared her down, waiting for the final thing that would push her off the edge. And when Maritza did as she had been told to a few moments ago and repeated the words that had pissed Alex off and pushed Alex back, the lights went off and the last bit of control her sense had had over her was gone. For someone who hadn't been in the cage before, Maritza was very snooty. And who was Alex if she didn't shut her up. Nodding her head as if she had made a final decision, Alex clenched her jaw and quickly approached Maritza was standing with her back to her as she paid attention to her friend. Not being a backstabber, Alex grabbed Maritza's shoulder who was oblivious to what was happening and made her spin around violently.

Just when Alex was about to knock out her teeth, the only voice that had nearly never failed to get through to her stopped her. It said her name in a way that Alex dropped her right fist but stared at Maritza for one more moment.

"Into my office," the voice ordered and Alex obeyed.

A stoic look returning on her face, the dark-haired woman said to the shorter woman before she'd get out of the cage, "We're not done here."

As she was staring her down again, she heard the voice again, demanding, "Now."

"Come on, Alex," Lorna said and dared to touch Alex when she saw that she began to relax.

Alex gave in and eventually took her eyes off Maritza, letting herself being led out of the cage by Lorna who was still having her hand on her bicep. She felt like a deer in the spotlight. Everyone in the room was looking at her, _judging her_. What people usually did whenever they would look at Alex. It was true. She didn't care. Yet, occasionally, she hated it. _Who do they think they are for believing to know Alex? Who do they they are for judging Alex? Who do they think they are for not minding their own business but Alex's?_ Back then, when she had been a nobody people hadn't liked her. And today, it wasn't different except the fact that she was someone. People knew her name, people knew her face, people recognized her. And suddenly, they all wanted to know her.  
To be seen with her. Although they hated her. _Once you feed someone, they come back to you and ask for more._ They knew that Alex could offer them something, anything. _And no matter how many good things you've done in your life, once you fuck up, you're forever a fuck-up: the bad outweighs the good._

"Do that again and you won't take another step into my gym."

"Red."

"Don't _Red_ me! I mean, seriously, are you out of your fucking mind?! This is _my_ gym. You don't get to shit in here and rampage! I get it. You got really high last night and today you feel like dying, right?"

"What? No! You were with me last night, I didn't-"

"Lie to me again and I will cut out your tongue, kiddo."

"I… Red… What is this all about, huh?!" Alex asked, somehow trying to gain some control of this conversation.

"What this is all about?! It's about you, you fucking junkie! About you not being able to handle situations properly, about you not being able to keep your composure in moments you should."

Red who was sitting across from the brunette behind the table paused before she continued, "It's no secret that you're a drug-addict-"

"I'm not a drug-addict," Alex corrected her, still not meeting Red's piercing eyes.

"Call it whatever you want but you look like shit, Alex. Because of the drugs. And you're spinning out of control because of them. You're losing track, don't you see? You think you're in control? Then tell me where your control was five minutes ago when you nearly beat the shit out of Maritza just because she said the right things to piss you off."

"It was her fault, not mine."

"Wrong. It was your fault that you let her get to your head! You're always so careless and cool and untouchable but once someone heats the ice inside of you you explode!"

"What do you want from me, Red? Do you want to kick me out? Go ahead, I don't care."

"That's the point, _you don't care_. _You don't care_ that you just made a scene in _my gym. You don't care_ that you almost clobbered one of Gloria's girls up, Gloria who is _my partner_. You only care about yourself. I condoned so much for you, kiddo. I know you're taking drugs and I let you take them. I know the way you treat other people and I still remained by your side. I know the mistakes you made and I still defended you…"

After a short moment of silence, the following words completely caught Alex's attention, making her rise her head to look at the other woman.

"But enough is enough."

Knitting her brows together, Alex questioned her, "What do you mean?"

"Take a break, Alex. Right now, I can't work with you."

"Are you saying you no longer want to be my trainer?!"

"I'm saying that I can't train you. Not when you can't train yourself… Do you know who your biggest enemy is, kiddo? _You_. And only you can beat her. I can't help you with this."

Biting her bottom lip, Alex was still staring at Red who softened the look on her face. Unlike Alex, who intensified her stare and after a while just nodded. Eventually, she laughed sarcastically and got up from her chair.

"Bullshit!" the brunette exclaimed as she walked over to the door.

Not trying to defend herself, Red just watched the young woman walking around in her office like a caged lion. When the brunette reached the door, putting her hand on the door knob, she shot one last glance at Red, saying, "Fucking bullshit, Red! You're all just fucking _cockroaches_! They, you, all of them! I'm not useful anymore and now you're just throwing me away. _Fucking, goddamn, cockroaches._ "

Alex stormed out of the office and almost ran into Lorna who was waiting outside of the room with Nicky. Not really caring why Nicky was suddenly in the club, Alex just walked past them into the dressing rooms. The dark-haired woman opened her locker and dragged everything out of it that had accumulated over the past ten years. Her first pair of gloves, her bandages, her towels, her hoodies, her shoes, her mouthpieces and grabbed as much as she could to throw them across the room. Her things were scattered but Alex just let herself drop onto the bench. She just stared at nothing particular, letting the things that had just happened sink in. She didn't understand it. All she knew that it felt like she had been taken back to the time ten years ago because it all felt so familiar.

"Me against the world," she realised.

Filling her hands with her anger, Alex balled them to fists again and took short breaths. She stood up and let herself get carried away by the thing that controlled her more than the drugs: _rage_. She smashed the lockers multiple times, not paying attention to her knuckles that covered her bandages in blood.  
 _Her rage, her anger, the drugs_ , it all numbed her. They made her feel nothing. They were like her morphine, except that they didn't only numb her physical pain but her mental pain as well that nobody could see. Not knowing if the loud bangs caught Nicky's attention or simply her wish to look after her best friend made her following her into the dressing rooms, Alex kept ignoring her when Nicky asked her what she was doing and what had happened.

"Fuck off, Nicky," Alex just said and kept hammering at the lockers.

"Shit, Vause. I'm your friend, I'm just trying to help."

Eventually, Alex stopped, breathing heavily as she dropped her head and saw the blood dripping from her hands on the floor. With her back to Nicky, Alex began to take off her bandages and asked, "Oh, is that so?"

There was clear sarcasm present in her voice and although the brunette didn't see her, Nicky rolled her eyes at the drama queen and approached her.

"Are you fucking serious? Are you really questioning our friendship?"

"Just go," the taller woman told her, this time with exhaustion in her tone.

Still not having turned around to look at her friend, silence surrounded them and Alex dropped the bandages and stated, "You're still here, right?"

"You won't get rid of me this easy, kid."

Alex shook her head and eventually tilted her head but she didn't look at her friend as her eyes were fixed on the floor. Defeated, the brunette sighed and bowed to pick up her bandages. With Nicky's help, they both gathered her stuff without speaking a word.

* * *

After a silent ride, Nicky had dropped Alex at her place and although she had wanted to stay with her, Alex made it clear that she wanted to be alone. She had taken a shower, ordered food and charged her phone. She saw that she had gotten a few messages and some calls but she had just ignored it and had put her phone back. Right now, she was on her sofa and just wanted to forget this day that actually didn't start that bad. She remembered that she had woken up in Piper's bed, close to her after they just had fallen asleep next to each other. _Piper_. The only and first woman Alex has fallen asleep next to without even having had sex with. That was one thing that they didn't sleep with each other. The second thing was that Alex had actually fallen asleep next to her, something she had never done no matter how tired she'd been. As she was lying on the leather couch in her big living room that was only illuminated by the moon, she decided to put the blonde beauty out of her mind and started to forget when she inhaled the heroin through her glass pipe. She didn't want to feel, she didn't want to think, she didn't want to live. _She just wanted to exist._

Alex couldn't tell if she had actually been asleep or had just been fantasizing or had been awake without knowing it but reality shook her when she heard her cellphone ringing. The brunette wanted to ignore it and just wanted to return to her state of complete blurriness that she got every time she was this high.  
Yet, the sound of her ringtone didn't stop and it was getting on her nerves. Rolling over to the other side, Alex fell from the couch but didn't feel any sort of pain when she hit the ground. Darkness surrounded her and she stumbled through her apartment, following the sound of the ringtone.

"Jesus, I'm coming," Alex stated although nobody could hear her.

Everything was spinning and moving so slow that the brunette believed she wouldn't reach her phone before dawn. Making her way into the kitchen that wasn't so close to her huge living room, Alex had to stop here and there to keep herself from falling. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the dark-haired woman was in her kitchen and picked up the phone clumsily without checking the caller ID.

"What?" she snapped and had to lean against the counter to keep her balance.

When the person who was on the other side of the line didn't answer, Alex shook her head and furrowed her brows.

"Fucking psycho," she angrily said and was about to ring off when the caller's voice stopped her from doing so.

"Still an asshole, huh?" Alex heard the other woman say and recognized the voice instantly.

"Piper," she stated with a perplexed tone in her voice.

"Yup, the one and only."

Both were silent for a moment. Neither of them knew what to say as Piper struggled to remind herself why she had called in the first place and Alex being more than puzzled. And high.

"What time is it?" she asked with her raspy voice.

"Too early for you to be high."

Although Alex would have hung up the phone by now if anyone else had been on the other side of the line, she took Piper's statement as her cue to end this conversation rather soon. She didn't even know how Piper knew that she was faded but just pointed out, "If you want to argue, call someone else or I'll hang up."

The blonde noticed that Alex was being serious and when the dark-haired woman said, "Bye," and was about to put her phone away, Piper immediately spoke up.

"Wait!"

Squinting her eyes, Alex placed her phone against her ear again and heard Piper clear her throat.

"It's 1 AM, I guess… I, uh, I called you because I wanted to tell you that you forgot your glasses... at my place," the blonde eventually said and for the first time, didn't appear this self-confident she usually was but rather nervous.

"You're calling me in the middle of the night… To tell me that I forgot my glasses… At your place?" Alex repeated and made it sound ridiculous. And Piper knew that it was ridiculous and although she wasn't standing in front of Alex, she could see this cocky grin on the brunette's face.

"You know what? Never mind, I shouldn't have called…" Piper tried to play it cool again but when she heard this husky chuckle from the other side of the line, she waited for Alex to say something.

"Do you want me to pick them up?"

"Now?" Piper asked, her brows raised.

"If you don't think it's weird that you're calling me at like 1 o'clock in the morning, don't tell me that you believe it would be weird if I came over to your place right now."

Thinking about the things Alex just said, Piper hesitated before she lied, "You can't come over right now."

"Of course not," the dark-haired woman pointed out, being fully aware that Piper wasn't being honest.

Again, there was an awkward silence between them and both of them waited for the other to speak up. Holding her cellphone with her one hand, Alex used her other to pull her hair back as she exhaustedly sighed.

"Why are you still awake?" Alex eventually asked.

Pulling her brows together, Piper felt busted. As high as Alex might seem to be, she acknowledged more things than the blonde would've assumed.

"Can't sleep," she admitted and didn't know why she was telling Alex this.

The brunette nodded her head in response before she told her, "Then don't let me keep you. Just text me whenever you want me to pick up my stuff."

"Okay," Piper replied after a while and realised that she could've done it this way in the first place.

"Good night, Piper."

"Good night, Alex," the blonde replied and the line was dead.

"I should definitely smoke less," the brunette stated, her thoughts still circling around the weird conversation. She stayed in the kitchen a bit longer, sitting on the cold glazed tiles with her back against the counter. Staring at her mobile screen, Alex eventually let her head fall back and closed her eyes, only to be woken up again by her ringtone, telling her that she received a text.

 _ **Piper:** Can you come over and pick up your stuff ?_


	5. Wicked Games

_Chapter 5: Wicked Games_

 _I want a lover I don't have to love  
I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck_  
 _I want a lover I don't have to love_  
 _I want a girl who's so drunk she doesn't talk_

"Can you come over and pick up your stuff?" she typed and hesitantly hit the send button of her mobile, seeing how these words she had typed got out of her hands and ultimately out of her reach. There was no way she could take them back. Piper had just returned from a private party hosted by one of the models that was in the same agency as the blonde beauty. And ever since she had woken up and had found Alex's glasses on the nightstand next to her big, empty bed this morning, everything she had been trying to distract herself from the raven-haired woman failed miserably. She had drunken champagne to forget _Alex's scent._ She had danced closely with other male models to forget the touch of _Alex's strong yet soft hands around her._ She had made out with one of those male models to forget the desire to feel _Alex's full lips on her own_. But when she had begun to feel dizzy and had let herself be touched by this handsome man and had kissed him, she had wished that it had been _Alex_. _Alex's hands, Alex's scent, Alex's lips._ The brunette had been occupying her mind the whole day and was even following her to the end of the day when darkness was surrounding her and Piper was reminded again that _she was lonely._

Putting the combination of alcohol and the feeling of loneliness aside, Piper was sure that only this specific black-haired beauty was able to help her through one of these nights. So, she had called her late at night and now asked her to come over to lead her out of this darkness. The blonde still didn't like her, though. But she didn't need to like her. Because again, _she was a professional._ This wasn't about having feelings or affection. It was a logical conclusion. Piper had to let Alex in, to get her out again. She wouldn't go through another day in which the destination of her thoughts was Alex. And neither would she go through one of those nights again that made her realise that she was so fucking lonely. And if Alex was there, why shouldn't she use her to get through such a night? Given that Alex was going to be there…

Her mobile still tightly held in her hand, Piper looked at the screen whilst she was sitting on the huge couch in her living room. Suddenly, she felt anxious. It had only been a few minutes ever since she had texted Alex yet she was getting more and more impatient. Her leg began to shake and the blonde let out a sigh. She was having too much time to reconsider her decisions. She was having too much time to believe that she had made a mistake and would regret her decision.

 _Alex was a drug-addict._

 _Alex was an asshole._

 _Alex was coldhearted._

 _Alex was… a woman._

Those were the reasons nothing made sense. Alex was a junkie with an arrogant attitude and didn't give a shit about anyone and anything but herself. _And she was a woman._ For the very first time, the thought of being attracted to the same sex popped up in her mind ever since she had laid her blue eyes on Alex. The thing that confused her so much wasn't that she would've never expected to see a woman in such a way or that she was against this sort of attraction- quite the opposite as homosexuality or bisexuality were parts of Piper's world especially ever since she had become famous. It made no difference to her if someone loved a person of the same sex. It was a normal thing. Yet, ever since she had realised that she herself felt attracted to a woman, it had been so overwhelming simply because it had felt like her eyes had opened up. Suddenly, she wouldn't get the same feeling every time a man would touch her. Suddenly, it would feel wrong every time a man would kiss her. And she didn't know if it was because she felt attracted to women in general or just explicitly to one woman. _Has Alex ruined her already?_

So, altogether, Piper had a lot of questions and wanted some answers. But first, she had to get this _one answer_. Chewing nervously on her bottom lip, Piper let herself fall deeper into the couch and let her head fall back against a pillow. She wondered if she had made a fool out of herself and assumed that she was about to get through another sleepless night alone. Her leg stopped shaking when her mobile vibrated in her hand, making her lift her head instantly to look at the screen. The blonde hesitated for a moment before she eventually opened the text.

 _ **Alex:** What's the hurry?_

Piper didn't know how to interpret Alex's response as she was aware that the brunette had a point. Yet, she was unaware that Alex was just playing with her, not wanting to make it that easy for the blonde. Staring out of her window as if she was going to find there the right answer to the message, she decided to regain some pride and settled for a casual reply.

 _ **Piper:** I just want to get it over with._

When she sent her message, she internally hoped that her text wouldn't get across in the wrong way and would maybe even discourage Alex. But who would Alex be to turn down Piper's invitation?

 _ **Alex:** Strength lies in calmness, kid._

Reading Alex's text, Piper snorted in annoyance and shook her head. Before she could reply, she received another one.

 _ **Alex:** You're lucky tho, just like you I'm impatient too._

 _ **Alex:** I'll be there in 20 minutes._

 _What are you doing, Piper?_ She had no more time for doubts. Piper had decided that Alex would and could distract her from her loneliness. That was what it was all about. Piper couldn't sleep, was lonely, mildly drunk and in need of company. The same state she had been in last night when Alex had stayed with her. The only difference was that Piper was more conscious about her actions. She was sure that she was going to regret this. But life was too short to overthink everything. And in this very moment, she only cared about right now. Alex would keep her company, Alex would keep her mind off from thinking, Alex would keep her from drowning in her solitude. That was all that mattered to the blonde who was still sitting on her sofa, waiting for the woman who would cover up the dark holes that have been in her life for a long time. Inhaling deeply, Piper got up and her shaky legs reminded her that she had drunken some alcohol. She nearly had to sit down again as everything was lightly spinning but her will to get into her bathroom was stronger. So, Piper walked up the stairs and wondered if she should change her outfit. She decided to keep her tight, ripped jeans and her sleeveless top on as her clothes would be ripped off of her anyway. As she was eventually in the bathroom, she rested her hands on the sink to lean forward. Looking in the mirror, Piper saw how her blonde long locks loosely falling over her slim shoulders and just decided to apply some make-up.

The more time was passing, the more nervous Piper was getting. It wasn't like she hadn't had one-night stands before. Ever since a bunch of miserable relationships that had ended with Piper getting her heart torn apart, she had only been having meaningless affairs and one-night stands. Yet, knowing that she had initiated this and that she had been the one to call Alex over, this one-night stand seemed different. It was in some way scheduled but that wasn't what was making this different. It was different because of Alex, it was different because Piper didn't only want Alex but _needed her as well._ In a physical way. The way Alex had been captivating her mind and thoughts wasn't something Piper was fine with and the only way to set herself free was to let Alex in, too.

Suddenly, it was like the time was up as her door bell rang, informing Piper that Alex was here. The receptionist of the luxurious building Piper's apartment was in asked her through the intercom if he was allowed to let a certain Alex Vause in. _That was the last chance_ , she could say ''No'' and go on with her life and act as if this hadn't happened and it would be another of those nights Piper wanted to be over. But she granted access and _let Alex in._

Before she would open her front door, Piper shot a last glance on the glasses that were still on her nightstand. Eventually, she heard a knock on her door and every thought and doubt she had had dissolved as she walked down the stairs towards her front door. With one last steady breath, Piper grabbed the knob and opened the door. It revealed a sight that caught her breath within her throat and let in a smashing tension.

"Here I am," Alex stated and of course noticed the way Piper was staring at her.

The brunette's lips were slightly parted and when Piper managed to lift her gaze, their eyes met and locked on each other. At first, Piper saw nothing but the beauty of Alex's light emerald eyes that would look ice-blue in a different light. Lowering her gaze slightly, she saw a fresh cut under her right eye. As she again was staring into these eyes that could put a spell on her, she found the drugs in them, too. Although they were so colourful, Alex's eyes were pale, the coke and heroin fading out the green and blue in them. _Alex is a junkie_ , a voice pointed out as if she didn't already know. That was the moment she broke the gaze yet not the spell and retrieved herself and the _cold, shallow mask_ returned.

"Obviously," she replied in a cool tone and stepped aside, motioning with her hand that the dark-haired woman could come in.

Alex took a few steps forward and was standing with her back to Piper who closed the door. Whilst she was still standing behind her, she heard the brunette say, "Your place looks different with the lights on."

"Maybe," the blonde casually answered and approached her slowly.

Her (again) short response made Alex turn her head to look at her with a raised brow, "Not much of a talker, huh?"

This made Piper stop her movements and her eyes landed on Alex who had an expression on her face that could mean anything. Piper opened her mouth but no words came out. When the brunette took her eyes off the other woman again, she took another look around as she said, "It probably looks even more different when I've got my glasses on."

 _Right, her glasses, the reason she came over in the first place_ , Piper reminded herself and didn't know how long she would be able to fight the tension between her and Alex. When the dark-haired woman looked over her shoulder again as if she was giving Piper the cue, the blonde clumsily made her over to Alex towards the stairs, saying, "Right, your glasses."

Although her legs didn't follow her, her green eyes did. Alex was certain, Piper had been drinking. She could smell it the moment the door had swung open and she could see it the moment she had looked into Piper's ocean-blue eyes. _The perfect match,_ Alex thought to herself as she knew that the both of them were in unstable states. Piper was drunk and she was high. She wondered what this night was going to bring along and walked over into the open kitchen. When she reached the huge windows, she crossed her arms in front of her chest and leaned with her shoulder against the cold surface, staring out of it. Alex didn't even know when Piper returned but when she heard someone clear her throat she moved her gaze towards the direction and saw Piper standing not too far from her.

"Here," the blonde eventually spoke up and reached out to hand Alex her glasses. Again, she glanced at the black top under Alex's leather jacket that was so tight that Piper could see the curves of the brunette's abs. When she felt Alex's piercing look on her, she knew that she got caught and swallowed, averting her gaze.

"Thanks, is there anything else I forgot?"

Piper eventually managed to look up and saw how the brunette put her glasses on and it was so cruel because Piper felt like there wasn't enough oxygen in her huge apartment. She shook her head in response and was rooted the spot when she saw that Alex turned around to approach her.

"Why am I here, Piper?" Alex said with her husky voice, asking _the question._

Furrowing her brows, the blonde felt how her lungs craved for more oxygen when Alex was standing right in front of her, towering her, destroying the firm distance between them, she nearly stumbled over her own words, "What do you mean?"

With her piercing stare that Piper was still not able to meet, Alex responded, "You know exactly what I mean. Why am I _really_ here?"

Finally regaining her composure, the blonde managed to meet Alex's gaze and realised that Alex wasn't so much taller than she had made her feel only seconds ago. The tension was so electrifying that Piper could swear if she touched Alex she would get an electro shock. Nevertheless, the blonde would lay her hand on the electrified perimeter if she had to and raised her chin to show her pride, looking Alex straight in the eye.

"My apartment is no lost-and-found office, Alex. I don't want your glasses to be lying around here for weeks just because you forgot them."

"Especially because they occupy so much space," the brunette commented sarcastically.

"God, what do you want, Alex? You forgot your glasses and I concluded that you'd need them, end of the story," Piper explained with an annoyed tone in her voice.

Suspiciously, Alex raised a brow perfectly at her and Piper didn't know if she wanted to _yell at her or fuck her._ That was Alex's effect on her. The brunette confused her, brought out unknown sides of her, intrigued her and was driving her crazy. It was maddening and Alex's forwardness clouded her mind.

"Oh really? Is that so? Because, correct me if I'm wrong but I'm very sure that _you_ were the one who called _me_ first and that _you_ were the one who asked _me_ to come over, at night. So, I'm asking you, what do you want, _Piper? What do you really want?_ "

 _You, in my bed,_ the thought instantly popped up but it remained silent.

Piper clenched her jaw and although there was nearly no space between them, she took a step forward and stood up to the brunette who was looking down at her.

"I want you… to leave me alone, for good."

The blonde herself was putting obstacles in her way but there was a deep truth hidden in her words. She wanted Alex to be gone, out of her thoughts, out of her dreams, out of her life. Because the way Alex could affect her was too easy and too strong. She has known for not even half a week and yet, everything in her life revolved around Alex.

"What?!" Alex scoffed in disbelief and pulled her brows together. "Seriously, Piper? Get your shit together. I don't know what problems you've got but don't blame them on me… For fuck's sake."

Alex's tensed tone made Piper look up at her again.

"Thanks for my glasses," she heard Alex say who eventually took her eyes off the blonde and took a step back, making her way over to the front door.

When she saw that the brunette was about to leave, her anxiety returned and she saw the demons of the night creeping in the corners of her empty apartment. Piper couldn't let Alex go, Piper shouldn't let her go for her own sake. Her loneliness couldn't get the best of her. Not again. So, she rushed over to the woman who already had her hand on the door knob, ready to leave Piper's home and her life but found herself being dragged in again when she felt a firm grip on her wrist that spun her around. The front door fell shut again when Piper finally diminished every single piece of distance between them, pushing the brunette against the wooden door and crushed her own lips on Alex's. Eventually, she touched the electrified perimeter and she was struck by lightning when she felt Alex after seconds of reluctance finally returning the kiss.

It was rough, maybe even sloppy but at the same time passionate, heated and addictive. Piper's soft hands found Alex neck and wrapped around it, pushing herself even deeper against the other woman. "Piper," she heard the brunette hiss between their kisses but silenced her instantly. She didn't want to talk. She didn't want to think. She wanted Alex. And Piper was used to always getting what she wanted, just like Alex who made the blonde's stomach twist when Alex bit on her bottom lip. A moan escaped from her mouth and the taller woman took this opportunity to slip her own tongue into Piper's mouth. When she did, she felt how Piper lifted her hands to wander through her jet-black hair. Alex had to admit, she liked Piper's roughness, knowing that this wasn't about feelings but about needs. And ever since Piper's lips captured her own, she needed her equally bad. Eventually, the dark-haired woman who was still being pushed against the door rested her hands on Piper's slim waist to pull her closer to her so that their still dressed bodies met. Piper felt through the thin fabric of her shirt how Alex's nails were digging into her skin which was maddening her. She wanted more. After she finally managed to disconnect her lips from Alex's, her mind started to work for a second making her ask herself what she was doing but was immediately shut down again when Alex's hot breath met the skin of her neck before the brunette began to bite it lightly and eventually sucked on it. The blonde tilted her head to the side to give her a better access and whilst Alex's mouth was buried in her neck, her hands roamed over Piper's abdomen upwards to her chest. What was even more electrifying was the fact that Alex's cold hands were underneath her shirt and although the brunette's hands were so cold, Piper felt like they were setting her on fire. As she finally got out of her little trance, she grabbed the sides of Alex's leather jacket to nearly rip it off her and tossed it swiftly across the living room. This whole time, Alex's lips and teeth were driving her insane and her hands that cupped her breasts making it hard for her to even stand. So, to speed things up, she grabbed the collar of Alex's black shirt and as she walked slowly backwards the blonde dragged her with her, keeping her as close to her as possible.

By the time the two women reached the stairs both of them had their tops off Alex eventually lifted her gaze to look at Piper whose hands were still in her black hair. "Piper," Alex began again, trying to find some sort of understanding of what was happening but as she had already figured, _Piper wasn't much of a talker._

"Stop talking," Piper just demanded and Alex obeyed when the blonde kissed her ardently again.

When they realised that they had to provide their lungs with oxygen, the two women broke apart and Piper grabbed Alex's hand, making her follow upstairs towards the bed. As they were finally upstairs, the blonde swiftly grabbed a remote and turned off the lights, leaving the moon as the only source of light and Alex understood why she hadn't found any light switches the other night. The blonde approached her again and for a split second, Alex asked herself what she was doing, asked herself what they were doing. But by the look on Piper's face, she was certain she wouldn't get any answers anyway and _made a final decision._

 _They formed a dangerous combination_. Alex could tell by the taste of vodka and tequila on Piper's lips that she had to be at least nazzy. And Alex herself was still a bit stoned. So, neither of them was in a position to actually know or even comprehend what they were doing. In the end, Piper was the one who had called her at night and asked her to come to her place. And if Piper wanted this, who again would Alex be to reject her request? Alex would benefit as well as she had figured earlier that the only way to get Piper out of her thoughts and out of her mind was to fuck her. And all signs pointed at this outcome.

So, to again close the distance between them, Alex walked up, too, her hands immediately finding Piper's sides before she leaned in to lock her lips with Piper's again. Their tongues began to battle and whilst Piper violently grabbed the brunette's collar again to push her towards the bed, Alex's hands moved over the bare skin of Piper's stomach. Finally, Piper was getting what she wanted with the dark-haired woman's hands on her skin and her lips on her own and that tasted so good. There was one more thing she so desperately craved for and although it wasn't even dawn, _the blonde felt like they didn't have enough time._ So, with their mouths still consuming each other, Piper walked backwards, her grip still firm on Alex's collar and when her calves hit her bed, she laid down on her back and pulled Alex on top of her. The brunette looked like a predator that after a long hunt finally caught its prey because the way she was crawling up to Piper with this hunger in her jade eyes that made them plenty shades darker was both intimidating and exhilarating. For the first time ever since Piper had shut the door to keep Alex from leaving, they looked at each other way longer before either of them would close the gap between them. The way Piper was underneath her and looked up at her was giving Alex so much control. And she definitely liked it. She could see the thrill in her sky-blue eyes and the brunette was more than eager to fuck her so good that Piper would be in the sky herself. _Yet, she would have to wait._

Whilst Alex was sinking in that ocean of Piper's eyes, her stare so magnificent that it was too much for the blonde to handle. It was getting too intense, too intimate, too lyrical. This act was supposed to be only about sex yet the blonde was certain, the longer Alex would stare at her, the harder it would be to call it only sex. A faded fuck, that was what she wanted and asked for. Nothing more, nothing less. She just hoped that the reason Alex was looking at her were the drugs in her veins and blurry mind just like the alcohol in Piper's blood and the loneliness under her skin were the reason she had sought Alex's company. The blonde was still lying on her back with Alex on top of her and when Alex noticed how impatient Piper was as she eventually broke the other woman's gaze and was fumbling with the zipper of Alex's dark jeans, the woman above whispered with an even huskier voice, "You're so fucking beautiful, you know that?"

Piper's hands stopped moving and when she glanced up at the brunette again, she said Alex's name so softly that Alex believed for a split second she would break the woman underneath her. To wipe out this short moment of intimacy, of _emotional closeness,_ Alex leaned down to capture Piper's lips and reconstructed the _meaningless meaning of the night._ Their only witness was the moon above them that knew that in this very night these two women were beginning a game neither of them could win. _At least not on their own_.

A sharp breath escaped Piper's mouth when Alex bit her bottom lip whilst she moved her right hand seductively over the blonde's side towards her thigh. The brunette's hand eventually settled right underneath Piper's ass, grabbing the spot tightly. In reaction Piper bended this leg, making Alex moving up her thigh. As if she had done it a thousand times, the blonde rested her hands around the other woman's neck to pull her impossibly closer to her. Whilst Alex was holding her weight on her left elbow that was next to Piper, she nearly let herself fall on top of the blonde as Piper's offensive behaviour caught her off guard. She honestly hadn't expected Piper to be the type for it yet it was turning herself on even more. Especially when she felt how the blonde's hands wandered over Alex's abs towards the zipper of her pants. She managed to pull it open and in a swift move pushed it down the brunette's legs. In order to play fair, Alex pulled away, kneeling between Piper's legs and as her eyes lingered a few moments on the blonde's, she unbuttoned Piper's jeans as well and dragged them down, leaving the two women only in their underwear. At the sight of Alex nearly in her full glory between her, Piper didn't know how longer she could wait for Alex to be inside of her. Suddenly, she no longer understood why she had been bothering herself about the fact that she could feel attracted to another woman as Alex's well-conditioned body, her soft lips and skillful hands were speaking volumes.

Just like the noises that she made every time the woman above her grasped her thigh tighter or intensified their kiss. Although Alex was high, she definitely knew what she was doing, especially when her fingertips brushed over the waistband of Piper's underwear, making the tiniest of hairs instantly stand up. It was truly intoxicating because, even though Alex hasn't even touched her where she needed her the most, Piper was struggling to breathe steadily. The blonde nearly groaned, both in pleasure and desperation, when Alex's hand moved from her underwear up towards her bra. Burying her hand underneath Piper's back, the woman on top of her easily unclasped her bra and instantly tossed it aside, her lips still fixed on Piper's. Still open-mouthed kissing, the brunette let her hand swipe Piper's skin from her back towards her breasts. It eventually settled on one of them and the feeling of the smooth skin in her hand made Alex moan.

With big reluctance, the dark-haired woman disconnected her mouth from Piper's and her black locks fell loosely over her shoulders. The blonde could feel the dark tips lightly touching her and when she eventually opened her eyes, she swore she had never seen anything sexier. Again, Alex was staring at her intently and again, _she was so close to look through Piper_. Piper's blue was absorbing Alex's emerald and vice versa and Piper had the urge to break this spell, again. She lifted her hand and took Alex's glasses of, putting them on the nightstand Alex had forgotten them the other night. Her hand found the brunette's cheek and brushing her thumb lightly over it, she tugged her dark strands behind her ear and buried them in the messy waves. This moment of _emotional intimacy_ turned back physical again when Piper used her hand that was in Alex's black hair to tear her almost aggressively down. Their lips clashed together and whilst they got lost in one another, Piper moved her free hand up to touch Alex's back. It didn't go unnoticed by Alex who in return rocked her knee between Piper's thighs which caused another moan escaping her mouth that the brunette instantly swallowed. She could tell by Piper's shaky hand on her back that she was struggling to open her bra. This made Alex smirk and when she was about to take her hand off Piper's chest to help her, the woman underneath her managed to unclasp it and immediately removed it. With her hand still on Alex's back, Piper dug her nails into her skin and pushed her down. Their fronts met, making the brunette taking her hand off Piper's chest. This feeling of their bare skin against one another made Piper even more impatient. _She wanted Alex. She needed Alex. She craved for Alex._

So, with thirst in her voice, she breathed out Alex's name and begged her.

"Please, Alex," she said between their kisses a second time, bucking her hips up to make sure Alex would know what she was asking for.

And of course she did as a devious smirk appeared on her face, enjoying the fact that the woman underneath her was _all hers._

After a quick peck on her lips, Alex slowly moved over to the blonde's neck and bit it lightly yet hard enough that Piper groaned. The brunette instantly licked the spot and when she began to suck on it, her knee still grinding against the part between Piper's legs, she heard a little whimper coming from the woman underneath her.

"What Piper," Alex said whilst her face was still in the crook of Piper's neck and her hot breath hit the sensitive spot the brunette had found.

Whilst the blonde was looking for the right words to say, her back swiftly arched up when she felt Alex's hand taking off her underwear and teasingly brushing her hand against her clit.

"Fuck," Piper cussed in response and Alex moved even more south but stopped when she captured one of the blonde's nipples with her mouth.

Provokingly, the woman on top of her would touch the wet folds between her slim legs with one hand but would instantly remove it again.

After she had paid enough attention to Piper's breasts, Alex traced her tongue over the blonde's abdomen as she made her way to her core.

"What do you want, Piper?" she said, her voice so raspy and low that Piper had to violently grab the sheets of her bed.

"Say it," Alex added when her face was between Piper's thighs and the blonde could feel Alex's hot breath on her clit and her cold hands on her breasts.

Before she could say a word, a moan fell from her lips and Alex had to admit, it was one of the most amazing noises she has ever heard. Alex had so much control that it nearly felt like an overdose. Especially when Piper wrapped one leg around the brunette's back.

"Just… Fuck me," she finally managed to breathe out and that was the last bit Alex needed.

At first, her tongue gently traced over Piper's wet opening up towards her clit. When her tongue hit it, Piper's back arched up and she screamed Alex's name. So, Alex was more than aware that she had found the right spot and finally worshipped it. She sucked on it, licked it, kissed it and each touch was bringing Piper closer to the edge. With her hands on Piper's chest, Alex could feel how hard the woman underneath her was breathing and every noise that she heard was making the brunette almost come, too.

"Fuck, Alex," Piper groaned when Alex finally tasted her.

Her tongue was inside of her and Piper was on the verge of unconsciousness. Alex felt how the blonde's body began to shake and with every dip the movement's of Piper's hips increased.

"You taste so good," Alex had to admit and let out a small moan herself.

Whilst her left hand remained on Piper's breast, twisting her hardened nipple, she pulled her other hand down and in one swift move, thrusted two fingers inside of Piper and captured her clit with her mouth.

Alex's name fell loudly from Piper's lips who was looking for something to hold onto as she knew she was about to fall. The blonde was shaking so much that Alex tried to keep her steady with her left hand that she rested on Piper's abdomen. Piper cursed, groaned, reminded Alex of her own name, whimpered and every noise was equally beautiful to Alex. Picking up her pace, the brunette added a third finger and as Piper began to ride her, her whole body still shaking, the electric feel making her lose all control, the blonde finally found something to hold onto. When her back lifted from the mattress again and Alex tried to push her down again, Piper's hand intertwined with hers and she was holding onto it for dear life whilst her other hand was grasping the sheets so tight that her knuckles turned white. The fingers inside of her dug deeper and curled inside of her, making her walls tighten around them whilst Alex's tongue was sucking on her clit. Alex could tell that Piper was close and on the brink of her orgasm. So, she increased her pace and when Piper's moans became louder and Alex was certain that Piper's neighbours would know her name, she quickly crawled up to her and captured Piper's orgasm when she kissed her deeply.

Heavily breathing, Alex let Piper ride out her orgasm and when the woman underneath her caught a steady breath, the brunette carefully removed her fingers. When they eventually pulled apart, the sight in front of her eyes could easily turn Alex on again. _Piper was lying underneath her, her blonde waves spread over her shoulders and the pillow, her lips slightly apart, her eyes closed and her chest rising still rather uncontrolled._ She held her weight on her elbow that was rested only inches from Piper's sides, their legs still entangled and she supported the rest of her weight with her other arm that was next to Piper's other side. She wondered what was going to happen next.

Her blue eyes opened and instantly found Alex's green ones. The ecstasy was still visible in them and Alex was wondering what Piper was thinking. _Would she regret it? Would she be ashamed? Would she kick Alex out?_

"Wow," she just breathed out and Alex raised a brow at her, giving her her signature smirk and shrugged her shoulders.

"Don't be smug about it," Piper warned her and was actually _smiling at her._

"Says the one who made sure that everyone in this building knows my name."

Piper furrowed her brows and some part of Alex thought that it was _adorable_. The brunette looked at the hand that was tracing over her bicep before she returned her gaze on Piper who had a mischievous look on her face. This time, Alex pulled her brows together as she didn't know was going on.

"Shut up," the woman underneath her said and licked her lips and Alex eventually understood what was going to happen next.

"Make me," she nearly whispered in response as Piper lifted her head from the pillow, wrapped her hands around her neck and captured Alex's lips in a passionate kiss. _The night was far from over._

 _Now it's two o'clock and your hands on me_  
 _I'm pressing hard against your jeans_  
 _Your tongue in my mouth_  
 _Trying to keep the words from coming out_  
 _You didn't care to know_  
 _Who else may have been you before_

* * *

Alex had never had _this kind of morning after._ She didn't know what it was like to wake up to the woman after she had had sex with her. She always waited until the other girl would be asleep, sometimes would even be to high to care to make sure that the other woman wouldn't notice that Alex would be leaving and always sneaked out. Every night before had ended like this and every morning she had woken up in her own bed, alone. _Not this morning, though_. This morning, she woke up with no feeling in her right arm. It was numb up to her shoulder. And her other arm was lying on something that was moving. And something that wasn't a blanket was providing her with warmth. And something that wasn't coffee and smelled even better filled her nose. Her green eyes slowly fluttered open, adjusting to the light in the room. The sun was shining brightly outside and the rays came in through the huge windows. It was so bright that Alex had to blink her eyes repeatedly until they could finally focus. The first thing they found were the curves of something that was under the same blanket that covered Alex. It didn't take too much time until Alex realised that she wasn't in her own bed nor in her own bed room or in her own loft. She instantly furrowed in confusion, figuring that it would be easier to see with her glasses on. Lifting her hand from the thing that was wrapped up in the blanket and was moving, without rolling or changing her position, the brunette reached over to the nightstand on her side, fumbling with her hand to find her glasses. But they found nothing that could be them and Alex eventually sighed. She still wasn't aware what had really happened and although she would find out what happened last night in a few moments, it would take her some time to realise _what had really happened last night._

With her free hand, Alex rubbed her eyes and decided to find some answers. The first thing she wanted to know was the reason why her right arm was numb. Her eyes landed on her limb and she saw that something heavy was resting on it that might be interrupting the needed blood supply. As she tried to ball her right hand to a fist, she saw that the thing next to her that was occupying her arm moved. As if they had been invisible the whole time, Alex finally saw these _familiar golden waves_ that were spread over her numb arm and eventually recognized the _coconut smell._ That thing next to her under the blanket was _Piper._

 _Alex had stayed._

 _She hadn't sneaked out._

 _They were **cuddling.**_

Suddenly, the blood inside of her began to boil as she felt anxious. Anxious because she didn't know what to do, she didn't know to handle this situation. _She had no control._

In order not to wake up the woman next to her and to somehow save this situation, Alex carefully moved her right arm, trying to free it from Piper's head that was resting on it. She failed, though as Piper stirred and when Alex heard that she inhaled deeply and began to shift her position, she knew that Piper was awake. Alex felt so uncomfortable because she was powerless, weak, _she felt busted._ She had no idea how Piper's one-night stands normally ended but right now, they were just two strangers who didn't even like each other and who had had sex. _Amazing sex,_ to be honest yet Alex knew she was defeated when she heard Piper say with a sleepy voice, "Stop moving so much."

The blonde lifted her head to release Alex's arm and the brunette quickly pulled it back towards her and eventually rolled onto her back, staring at the blue sky through the window in the ceiling.

"Sorry," she almost shyly mumbled and was absolutely lost.

At least she could be certain that nothing has changed as Piper's words weren't really kind. She wondered if she could just get up, take on her clothes, leave this loft and go on with her life. Because Piper had definitely had an impact on her life. The brunette had now gone _twice_ to her place, and they had ended up _twice_ in Piper's bed, and _twice_ she had woken up next to her. She had never done something like that before. _It couldn't be because of Piper, though, she couldn't be the reason for all of it,_ Alex thought to herself. _That is impossible_. The brunette couldn't imagine, or maybe simply _didn't want to imagine_ that Piper ruined her routine. _Piper couldn't possibly have ruined her already… could she?_

"You're still here," the blonde stated as she rolled onto her back as well and dragged Alex out of her clouded mind.

Although she was no longer staring through the window, she was still staring at the blue sky when she turned her head to the side to look at Piper.

"Yeah, I, uh," she cleared her throat as Piper's stare was almost threatening and made the air thinner between them, "I overslept."

 _And it was a lie._ Alex had had the chance to sneak out. After they had had multiple orgasms and the tiredness had been the only thing that had been able to stop them, Piper had collapsed on top of her and had fallen asleep so fast that it actually had been the perfect opportunity to leave, _Alex had stayed_. It hadn't felt right to leave. The only thing that had felt right was Piper's breath against her chest and her scent that had been consuming Alex. So, she had closed her eyes, lying to herself that she would just rest for a few minutes and when she had opened her eyes only five minutes ago, _it had been too late to leave._

The blonde squinted her eyes suspiciously as she knew that Alex wasn't the type for breakfast in bed and cuddling the morning after _a nice fuck._

"What time is it?" Alex asked, breaking the intense stare that was making her even more nervous and saw Piper propping herself up on her elbows. She was holding onto the blanket to cover her body although there was no part of her Alex hadn't already seen.

Piper grabbed her mobile and checked the time.

"8:45," she eventually answered and put her phone back.

As Alex realised how early it was, she suddenly felt incredibly tired and let her head drop onto the pillow after she had propped herself up as well.

The woman next to her returned her gaze on Alex who had her eyes closed. Even Piper could tell that Alex felt uncomfortable and although she still wasn't fond of her, she couldn't deny that she was _keen on her_. Pressing her lips together as if she was afraid to say the wrong thing, she shifted her position so that she was on her side, still holding her weight on one elbow and still making sure that her naked body was covered.

"I gotta catch a flight in five hours," she informed the other woman who looked at her again.

"Where are you going?" Alex asked, still trying to find some sort of sense to _this morning after._

Both of them had a neutral expression on their faces, both hiding their feelings and without taking her eyes off the brunette, Piper said, "Europe."

Alex just nodded in response and they both were surprised that they were having some kind of an _actual conversation_. Which made it even more awkward as they both were in bed, absolutely naked after a long night of sex.

The moment didn't last long, though as Piper made it disappear by saying, "You should go, Alex."

There was tension between them, memories of the last night, questions that were unanswered, confusion and it filled the air in the room. Piper had to swallow as Alex was still holding her strong gaze but didn't shift.

"Yeah, I should," the brunette agreed, the words coming out in one breath.

Neither of them broke the gaze and as their eyes were still fixed on another, the tension between them didn't break as well.

Before any of them could form a _proper sentence, a proper thought_ , Piper was on top of Alex again, no more distance between them as Alex's lips found Piper's and they continued what they had been tired to do the previous night. And they continued their _wicked games_ that they believed they were able to play.

 _Forget what you know,_  
 _Make yourself at home_  
 _'cause baby when I'm finished with you_  
 _You won't wanna go outside_

 _Baby, I want you_  
 _I'm too far in this game to let go_  
 _So let go,_  
 _so let go._

* * *

 _Alright guys, there you go, I hope you enjoyed your Vauseman overdose you so desperately asked for.  
Consider this chapter as the real beginning of the story which doesn't mean that the past chapters aren't important.  
Again, thanks so much for every single follow, favourite and review. I'm always looking forward to your opinions so let me know what you think..._

 _Xx_


	6. Say My Name

_Holy fuck, that is by far the longest chapter I've written. So, I hope you think it was worth the wait and again, thank you so much that you appreciate this story and my writing. I appreciate your comments, follows and favourites equally much. Enjoy..._

 _Xx_

* * *

 _Chapter 6: Say My Name_

"So, um, when will you be back?"

"I don't know, maybe in two or three weeks," Piper replied from the bathroom as she was getting ready for her flight. Alex and her had spent the whole morning in bed and the only thing they had been doing was fucking each other until they both had been certain that their bodies had been about to collapse.

"Do you know where the rest of my clothes are?" the brunette asked as she slightly opened the door the the bathroom further.

She was leaning against the frame, her hand still resting on the door knob and when Piper was about to speak up, her eyes moved from the mirror to Alex and the words suddenly dissolved. Alex was only wearing her underwear and her tight, dark jeans and Piper could feel how the urge to tear them off of her was growing immensely. But she couldn't and instead, she just swallowed and Alex's stupid smirk made Piper realise that she was staring. So, she quickly returned her gaze on the mirror and informed her casually, "I think they're downstairs somewhere."

Pulling her brows together, Alex nodded in response and was about to turn around when she heard Piper say, "When you go, make sure you leave through the backdoor of the building, so nobody's gonna see you."

There she was again, _professional Piper that was a pain in the ass._ Alex sometimes wondered if the blonde was even aware of her changing behaviour or if she really did it on purpose. At least this Piper was making it easier for Alex to forget about the mind-blowing sex she had had with the _real Piper_. Because Alex had noticed how Piper's eyes had darkened as they had filled with desire when the brunette had been standing in the bathroom door only seconds ago. So, she wondered if Piper was just trying to protect herself or fooling herself or, if that was who really was, _a woman who had adapted to the shallow world she belonged to_.

"Who cares?" Alex nonchalantly questioned her whilst she was walking down the stairs and with her inquiry, _their contrary worlds encountered._

The dark-haired woman heard a scoff, something Piper was obviously really fond of doing and knew that Piper would storm out of the bathroom any second. As she gathered her clothes from the floor, Piper was nearly already downstairs, her hair still soaked and messy while little drops of water dripped from them, a towel wrapped around her flawless, wet body that was lightly glinting and her familiar scent of coconut filling the air. Alex could tell, the blonde was probably already standing behind her.

"I care, Alex," she eventually stated almost dramatically and by the pitch of her voice Alex was sure, the other woman was standing only a couple of inches behind her.

With her top and leather jacket in her hands, the brunette straightened herself and turned around. Before she would reply, her eyes studied Piper's whole body until they landed on her eyes and the desire in them was replaced by irritation, clouding the sky in them. The blonde was standing by the stairs, her arms crossed in front of her chest and was giving the other woman one of her icy stares. Internally, Alex thanked Piper for her behaviour and bad temper because it reminded her everything between them was solely physical and that, as good as they matched in bed, would be a horrendous pair. The only things they would be doing would be _fighting and fucking_. And as fantastic as the latter was, Alex wasn't interested nor had the nerve to be fighting with Piper every time they wouldn't be hooking up.

Whilst Piper's eyes were fixed on Alex's, the brunette would catch her lowering her gaze towards her abs that were still uncovered. Alex actually wanted to shake her head at this but instead swiftly put her top and her leather jacket on and when she adjusted her glasses, she sarcastically replied, "Sorry, I forgot that you have a good reputation to maintain. We don't wanna damage it, do we?"

Rolling her eyes, Piper sighed as she walked from the stairs over into the kitchen, saying, "Just go, Alex."

"Oh, don't worry, there's nothing I'd rather do right now."

 _Except for doing you,_ Alex thought to herself because honestly, Piper's bitch attitude was turning her more on than it should. But she could have any other woman and it would definitely be way less stressful than to be spending any more time with Piper. She saw the blonde making herself some coffee and when she heard Alex's snarky comment, she turned her head to shoot at her.

With a mischievous smile, the brunette shook her head, knowing that neither of them had to clarify what had had happened the previous night and this morning and stepped up to the front door.

In the end, both women got what they wanted. Piper had been in need of company, afraid of drowning in her loneliness and Alex had been high and angry because of the day she had had and had needed to get rid of some pressure. In the end, they had killed two birds with one stone. They had used sex to solve their problems and to get each other out of their minds and at first they believed they succeeded, _not knowing that they had only worsened their situation._

As the door opened and Alex was standing in the doorway, her back to Piper, she looked over her shoulder before she said, "You know, in case you'll get lonely again, you got my number."

"Trust me, you'd be the last person I'd call, Alex," Piper lied and saw a little smile tugging at the corner of Alex's lips.

After she had closed the door, Alex called her driver as she was on her downstairs. Whilst she was waiting for him, she opened the contact list of her mobile and eventually called the person whose number she was looking for.

"Yeah, it's me. You have to book me a flight to Tijuana. I wanna leave the states today," she explained to the person who was on the other side of the line.

Alex was told that her flight would take off in the afternoon and eventually left the building through the backdoor when her driver informed her that he was waiting outside.

* * *

"Are you ok?"

"Sure, why wouldn't I be ?"

"Cause ever since we landed in Milan you've been walking around with those sad puppy eyes looking like a little poochie. It's gross."

Lifting her gaze from the drink she's been drowning in the whole night, Piper glared at Faye. She was a model, too, working for the same agency and joined Piper on her ''tour'' through Europe. Yes, Piper was having a month's holiday, yet her trip to Europe was a business trip. It was nearly May which meant that winter campaigns would start soon and as the most important fashion metropolises were in european countries, the blonde model was interested in finding out what would be in store for them in the coming season. And she got paid tremendously for staying in luxurious hotels and the only thing she had to do was to attend a few fashion shows, meeting famous designers whilst the rest of the day she was free to do whatever she wanted. And what she did was finding out what Alex was up to. The dark-haired woman was being seen in Mexico, partying with women, looking absolutely high and it was no secret anymore that the athlete and her trainer had parted their ways for an unlimited time. This information nearly forced paparazzi to bother Alex who was dealing with them unusually calm. The blonde saw footage of Alex walking through the streets of Tijuana, her steps being followed by a bunch of paps who were trying to make her furious. But the brunette was unnaturally cool and just walked past them, in her arm always another woman. It seemed as if the tables have turned as Piper was the one being furious now. Furious because Alex was hooking up with other women. Furious because she could only imagine all the things Alex was doing to them, the same things she had been doing to Piper this one night. Furious because _she wasn't supposed to be furious._ Yet, she was and it obviously didn't go unnoticed by her fellow who has been with her ever since they had landed in Italy over a week ago.

"Seriously Piper, we're in one of the most beautiful cities in the world and you only have eyes for your phone or your drink. Do you see this guy over there?" the bronze-haired woman said, nodding her head in the direction of a man at a table of the bar, "He's been staring at you this whole night and I'm sure he'd approach if you weren't ignoring him."

Piper raised her brows slightly, not really caring about what Faye just told her and took another sip of her drink. She didn't notice that the model next to her squinted her eyes as she wondered why Piper was being so incurious. Ever since they had entered this bar, all they've been doing was sitting at the counter, Piper ordering drink after drink and here and there pulling out her phone. Everyone in the room could tell there was something bothering the blonde beauty and to Faye's surprise, Piper hasn't reached that drunken state yet that looses your tongue and makes you spill everything. Although Faye didn't want to depend on Piper, she couldn't just leave her alone and have a good time. Unlike Piper, the bronze-haired woman has been modeling for only a few weeks now and therefore had to follow Piper. When she had found out that she would be traveling to Europe, she couldn't have been more excited but as she eventually was in Italy, she couldn't be less thrilled. It was really miserable looking at Piper and even though Faye knew she had to be patient, Piper was making it hard for her, _something the blonde was really good at_. She didn't know how to approach Piper, though. They were at the same age, they were both undeniably attractive and in one of the most vivid cities in the world, nevertheless Piper only cared about feeling miserable and letting everyone know that she was.

"Seriously, what's wrong?" she tried again, her words softly rolling over her lips as she didn't know really know Piper.

"Leave it alone, Faye," Piper just snapped before she downed the rest of her drink and ordered another one.

"Don't you think he's attractive?"

Her playful question received no answer nor a reaction from the woman next to her and she could as well bang her head against a brick wall.

"Wait," she suddenly spoke up as the realisation hit her, "Or are you into women?"

Finally, she won Piper's attention as she nearly choked on her drink and immediately cleared her throat before she almost exclaimed, "What?!"

Their eyes met and a winning grin appeared on Faye's face, knowing that she hit the right nerve.

"Oh come on, don't act all innocent. I saw you looking at pictures of some black-haired woman on your phone."

As if the woman who was sitting next to her had just said one of the most ridiculous things she's ever heard, Piper snorted and returned her gaze on her drink.

"So, is she your girlfriend?" Faye curiously asked, not wanting to drop the topic already.

"I don't know what you're talking about," the blonde mumbled.

 _Alex, being her girlfriend_. Only the conception of it was more than absurd. To say that Piper hated Alex's guts would be an exaggeration but to say that she couldn't stand her would be an understatement. The brunette would be the last person on earth Piper could picture being her girlfriend. Faye's question was definitely the most ridiculous thing Piper has ever heard.

For someone who had more than a couple of drinks, Faye had to admit that Piper was acting quite _professionally_. Nevertheless, she was certain that Piper only needed a bit more teasing.

"She's really pretty," Faye commented and could see how Piper wanted to roll her eyes.

"What? Are you stalking me now?"

Piper's snarky comment earned a small laugh from the other woman who ordered herself a drink when the bartender appeared.

"So, it's true?"

"What?" Piper asked without looking at the other model.

"That you're into women," she finished her sentence and saw how the blonde put her drink back on the counter.

 _Yes, into one specific woman and it's fucking annoying because she is fucking annoying,_ she instantly thought, those pictures of Alex and these other women still flying through her mind and blocking it from thinking straight. The alcohol she's been drinking didn't even stand a chance against the black-haired woman. Piper could drink as much as she wanted, Alex was haunting her nevertheless.

"For someone who doesn't know me, you're asking a load of questions," Piper stated, some of her words rather slurred and again, the woman next to her laughed. _It wasn't raspy enough, catching enough as one specific laugh though._

"I'm trying to get to know you," Faye explained and finally made Piper look at her, her blue eyes slightly dull, the alcohol clearly visible in them. And although Piper had as little time for Faye as for Alex, when her eyes locked on hers it wasn't the same, when their eyes locked _nothing happened_. There was nothing between her and Faye, unlike the moments every time Piper's blue eyes met Alex's emerald ones. Because every time they had, something had flashed through her and although Piper still didn't know what it had been, it yet had been something.

"So, what's wrong?"

Faye obviously wouldn't give up and somehow, Piper had to admit that she appreciated her fighting spirit. Nonetheless, it was none of her business and Piper didn't even want concede herself something was really bothering her.

"I guess you're not the right person to talk to," she casually informed her and took another sip from her drink.

"I'm a great listener, actually," Faye quickly told her and saw a small smile creeping on Piper's face.

"I bet."

Faye wasn't the first one to realise that Piper was actually _a tough nut to crack._ The blonde was way too attractive though for her to already surrender.

"Fine," she eventually sighed, in her mind another plan to talk Piper round. "Whoever she is, she doesn't know how lucky she is."

Again, Piper had to choke on her drink as Faye was definitely misinterpreting the whole situation.

"Look, no one is my girlfriend," the blonde eventually clarified and didn't know how much longer she would be able to sit on the bar stool as her balance began to slowly disappear.

Although the blonde wasn't looking at her, Faye nodded her head in response, having a sip from her drink.

"You seem pretty taken with her though," she told Piper and made her turn her head to look at her and the expression on her face showed that she was both- confused and interested. "I mean, the only thing you're doing is staring at pictures of that girl and every time you do, you have this look on your face as if you were about to kill someone. Wait… Are you a stalker?" the woman playfully asked Piper, mocking the blonde and she was successful as Piper let out a soft chuckle, holding her chin with her hand as she rested her elbow on the counter.

Faye was sure, she found the right spot to hit to get Piper's attention because the golden-haired woman eventually turned into her direction, her blue eyes actually longer on her than before.

"Shit, you've got me," Piper played along, the booze in her system revealing itself.

The other woman laughed as well and although it wasn't _husky enough,_ Piper actually didn't dislike it. She realised she had to stop comparing everyone and everything else to that jade-green-eyed, raven-haired, tall woman, especially because _she was the worst._ That hasn't changed. And if everything and everyone else was better than her, why shouldn't Piper treat herself? Particularly because Alex seemed to be doing herself well, too…

"Damn, was that a smile? Oh my god, she can still smile," Faye teasingly commented, making the tiny grin on Piper's face grow bigger as her blue eyes became smaller, clearly heavy from all the drinking.

Her eyes still on her and smiling, Piper said to her, "Bite me," being totally aware of what those words could mean.

"Where?" Faye asked and it sounded as if it were a normal request.

Their eyes were still linger on each other and Piper didn't need more proof to know what Faye was really up to. It wouldn't be professional though. Hooking up with your co-worker. Piper had to set priorities, deciding what was more important. Rejecting Faye to keep the relationship between them strictly platonic, or sleeping with her to distract her from this one goddamn woman and showing and proving to her and herself that she was perfectly fine without her. Faye eventually stole a march on her, answering Piper's question by leaning in to capture her lips.

The blonde didn't even pull back. She didn't even care if someone was going to see them as long as this one specific woman was going to see them. The kiss deepened and Piper felt Faye's hand on her thigh. It wasn't burning her. _It just felt nice_. It didn't make her feel something nor anything.

"Let's get back to the hotel," Faye whispered against her lips and Piper let herself be led out of the bar, internally hoping that all these thoughts that circled around Alex would be led out of her mind as well.

* * *

"To be honest, I didn't expect you to be so skillful with your tongue," the woman beneath her told her, still panting from her orgasm.

 _I had the best teacher,_ Piper said to herself, images of this one night flashing through her blurry mind as she was crawling up to the woman that wasn't Alex. After they had been gotten back to the hotel, they had clumsily managed to get into Faye's hotel room and ended up in her bed. Their clothes were spread all over the room and when Piper let herself fall onto the mattress next to the other woman, Faye was on top of her and began to trail kisses over the blonde's neck. And Piper let her although she didn't feel anything. She didn't feel the model's lips against her skin nor her hand on her breast. _Nothing_. Yet, Piper let her, let her kiss her, let her touch her, let her fuck her. There was still a chance, there was still hope that this one black-haired beauty wasn't the only one who could do those things to her. If Piper stopped Faye right now, _it would get too real that only one woman was able to make her feel everything_. Piper needed to prove herself that this wasn't possible.

The woman above her slowly made her way down, her hands still locked on the blonde's breasts. Again, it felt nice, it felt good. Piper concluded that she was just making too high demands, looking for an excuse why Faye didn't really get through to her. Her legs were spread apart, making room for the other woman to place her face between them. Although Piper clearly wanted to get off, she wouldn't beg her. She wouldn't ask her to fuck her, she wouldn't show her that she needed her. It was only her body that reacted to Faye's tongue on her clit that sucked on the sensitive bundle of nerves. _This was exactly the way it had been supposed to be when Alex had fucked Piper. It had been supposed to be this physical, this emotionless, this shallow. No feelings, no meaning, no deep connection_. And all of these three things were missing right in this moment and there had been an _overdose_ of them when it had been Alex who had kissed her, who had licked her, who had sucked on her, who had fucked her so good that Piper couldn't get enough. _It was all so wrong_.

And what was even more wrong was the moment the wrong name slipped through her lips when she reached her high because it felt so right.

"Alex, huh? I guess that's the name of your not-girlfriend," Piper heard the woman between her thighs say as she herself was breathing heavily, slowly recovering from her orgasm.

"What?" the blonde breathed out, her mind still clouded from her sexual release and the alcohol in her system.

The model appeared from underneath the blankets, lying down next to Piper who eventually managed to calm down but the shock hitting her when she realised what she had just said.

"I don't know if I should feel offended or honored by being called Alex," Faye playfully stated as she was lying on her back, looking at Piper when she got no response from her.

Nervously, Piper sat up, her back to the other woman and began to pick up her clothes from the floor. The blonde didn't know how to handle this situation and every time she was unable to cope with them, _it was a her reflex to escape_.

As the model who was still on the bed noticed how Piper was getting ready to leave, she propped herself up on her elbows and said, "You don't have to go already. I was just joking, you know? Your secret's safe with me."

Faye was actually trying to convince Piper to stay but she was already somewhere else. Whilst she was putting her clothes back on, struggling to get dressed because of her drunken state, she ignored Faye's words and casually said, "I gotta go."

And before the other woman could protest or do anything, Piper was already out of her room, nearly running into her own. When she finally reached it, she quickly took her clothes off and dropped onto her bed. She hoped that the rest of her break would be over rather soon. She just wanted to forget this night and just wanted to forget the time ever since she had met Alex. But before sleep finally found her, _she had realised that this would be impossible._

* * *

"Next time you just pack up and leave without saying goodbye make sure that you'll never come back, you asshole."

"I missed you, too, Nichols."

With her head resting against the headrest, Alex smirked at her best friend who was looking on the road as she realised, "Also, when have I become your fucking chauffeur?!"

"Oh please, Nicky. Besides having heart eyes for Lorna there's nothing else you're doing. You should thank me actually. Because of me there's something that keeps you busy."

The wild-haired woman just shook her head, making the woman in the passenger seat chuckle.

"Did you finally ask her out?"

"No," Nicky just grumbled without looking at her friend.

"Oh my god, you really do like her!" the brunette realised, her eyes wide open.

"Fuck off," the other woman said as she was driving them to Alex's place.

Alex had been in Mexico for more than two weeks and had landed today in New York where she had been picked up by her best friend. After that one night at Piper's place, the dark-haired woman had decided that she had had to turn her mind off. Because if it had been on, she wouldn't have borne another night without fucking her. The blonde had been plaguing her ever since and the only thing to fight it had been to get high, to hook up with women she didn't know and to have illegal fights. And which place had been better than Tijuana? She knew this place inside out and therefore had thought that it would be the perfect place to go to. But to be honest, she had been wrong. She had swallowed so many pills, smoked so much kush and crack, had dragged off so many women and had beat up so many people. Yet, it had been all in vain as all she had been seeing was Piper. Even after she had been blind after a fight, she had seen Piper's face. Even when she had closed her eyes, she had seen the ocean in her eyes. No matter what she had been doing, no matter what she had tried, none of it had helped. It only had been making it worse because it had gotten harder to believe that Piper hadn't been _the reason for it all._ The reason that Alex was so helpless, so out of control. Especially when she had seen those pictures of Piper and some other model chick making out outside of a bar. It had been bothering her so much although it shouldn't. She had really wanted to book the next flight to Milan to show that nobody else was allowed to kiss Piper or touch her. But instead, she would get high to shut her mind down and for less than a second, she would forget this golden-haired girl that was haunting her like a demon.

"So, how was Mexico?" Nicky eventually asked as they stopped at an intersection light.

"Good."

 _No, it was torture_. Alex didn't exactly know what it would be like to go cold turkey but after her weeks in Mexico, she actually could imagine it. Her body had nearly ached for her new drug and had pushed off everything Alex had consumed because _it hadn't been Piper._

"Really?" her friend suddenly asked and looked at Alex. "Then take off your sunglasses."

Furrowing, Alex shot a glance at Nicky before she said, "Sorry?"

"Take off your sunglasses. You're no longer in public so you don't have to hide behind them unless you have something to hide."

"What? Are you some sort of guru now?" the brunette replied, trying to dodge Nicky's question and to drop the topic.

Her best friend knew better though and held her strong gaze until Alex finally gave in as she grabbed her glasses and took them off.

"Fuck, Alex!" Nicky instantly exclaimed and Alex had already expected this reaction. "What the fuck happened to your face?!"

"It's nothing," the brunette casually explained, avoiding her friend's shocked face.

"Nothing?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Shit! Your eye.. it's blue and violet and… green… even your eyeballs are fucking bloodstained… Alex…"

Before Nicky could finish her sentence that was filled with absolute concern, the other woman cut her off with annoyance in her tone, "It's nothing, Nicky! Don't-" _have feelings,_ she actually meant to say but stopped herself from saying these words and replaced them. "Worry, okay?"

"You're… Are you for real?! Don't worry? _Seriously?!_ That's all you have to say?" the wild-haired woman asked her, her voice raising with every word and Alex knew that she was giving her one last chance to correct herself. _She wouldn't though_.

Yet, Nicky was her best friend and if it were the other way around, Alex would be worried, too. There was nothing to worry about though, so she didn't understand the big fuss about it and eventually told her friend to calm her down somehow, "Really Nicky, it's nothing."

When she saw how her friend's eyes immediately grew bigger again, Alex quickly added, "It was just some fight in one of those clubs and I guess I kinda overestimated myself."

"You know what I guess? I guess that you were to fucking drugged again, feeling like fucking Hercules himself and being so damn high that you didn't feel a thing," the other woman said, answering her own question and she didn't need her friend to agree with her assumption as she already knew that she was right.

"If you already know the answer, why did you ask me in the first place?"

Her friend's snarky comment was really misplaced and as they finally reached Alex's place, Nicky didn't let her friend get out of the car, being too furious about her carelessness and _assholeness._

"You know what, asshole? Excuse me for caring about you and your goddamn ass! I know that's something wrong with you, that's why you just disappeared and escaped to Mexico and I'm fine with it if you don't wanna tell me what's going on. But I'm not fine with being treated like a piece of shit by you. You know what? I'm starting to understand why Red did what she did. She was right. You only care about yourself and if you keep pushing the people that actually do give a fuck about away, it'll only be you in the end. Is that what you want? Go ahead, ruin your life, pop some pills, fuck girls and destroy everything that makes you human, you're doing a pretty good job so far."

Eventually meeting her gaze, Alex took in everything her best friend had just said to her and saw in Nicky's eyes that she was serious about every single word. Yet, Alex just swallowed, swallowing her friend's words as well and mumbled, "What do you know" as she opened the door, not knowing if her friend had heard her.

But she did and immediately reminded Alex, "You know exactly that I know what I'm talking about," and her friend shot one last glance at her before the car door fell shut.

Because Alex knew, _Nicky was right._ Alex knew, Nicky knew what it meant to ruin your own life. Nicky had been through it all, addiction, rehabs, withdrawals, relapses. Nicky knew what she was talking about and Alex knew that, when Nicky would look at her, she would see herself. _Her old self_. The worst version of herself. And Alex was on her way to become the _greatest worst version of herself_ as well. Every time someone would look at Alex, their eyes would mirror a mistake, a monster, a horrific masterpiece. Except those eyes that were bluer than the sky in the morning, and prettier than the sky at dawn.

* * *

 _She got, she got, she got her own reasons_  
 _for talking to me._  
 _She don't, she don't, she don't give a fuck_  
 _about what I need._

A few weeks have passed and Alex had spent most of the time in her apartment, isolated from everyone she knew, getting high as soon as she would feel something. This night though, her body craved for some company so she decided to eventually leave her place, knowing that she would be seen in public again. Ever since everyone had found out that Red had ditched Alex, people would love to get a statement from her. Or a reaction. But they failed, even when the black-haired woman stepped out of the building and got into her driver's car, on her way those cockroaches provoking her to do something. Instead, she casually ignored them although she was actually sober. And it suddenly was like she no longer needed the drugs to stop feeling anything because, she naturally didn't. She didn't feel a damn thing although she was fully conscious. There was nothing. No anger, no pain, no disappointment, no hate. And she didn't know if it was a good or bad thing.

As her face was still recovering from the fights she had had in Mexico, she hid it under a snapback. After a short ride they reached one of those nameless little bars the brunette knew no one would follow her to and swiftly got out of the car and entered the building. Her eyes instantly settled on the bar. She approached it and sat down on a bar stool. Yet, she didn't stay long. _It was like she was out of place._ Again, it was like Alex was the little girl again who didn't fit in. So, she got up without having ordered anything and exited the bar. To cover herself, she grabbed the hood of her hoodie and placed it on top of her snapback. Alex was feeling nothing, she was even thinking about nothing. She was just existing, strolling about with no destination in her mind.

Although it was the end of April, the nights were still cold and when the wind hit her skin, the brunette placed her hands in the pockets of her leather jacket. She was so lost in her own nothingness that she didn't even notice the presence of a group of some young women who were coming towards her. The only thing dragging her out of her nirvana was the voice that was so familiar, _too familiar_ , making Alex rising her head. _It really was her._

The group fell silent when they eventually were close to Alex. They seemed to ignore her, not even acknowledge her presence as they just walked past her, only one woman stayed back.

 _"Alex."_

The brunette met her gaze and she wondered what were the odds that she would run into her. _It almost seemed inevitable._ Lately, their ways seemed to meet unusually often.

"Hey," she cooly replied, stopping in front of the blonde.

Before one of them could say something, one of those girls yelled, "Piper, are you coming or what?"

Alex instantly took her eyes off the blonde who kept her own on her as she answered, "Yeah, uh, you can go ahead, don't wait for me."

And her reply made the brunette furrowing her brows, not understanding why Piper wouldn't join her friends.

"Don't mind me," she informed the blonde and saw how the expression on her face changed as Alex began to walk.

Piper's words stopped her though as she was already standing with her back to her.

"How was Mexico?"

Closing her eyes because she was too tired, too fed up to talk about anything, Alex was aware of the fact that Piper knew precisely how Mexico was. She didn't need to ask her what she'd heard or what pictures she'd seen. Yet, why did Piper care? Why was the despite again so obvious in her tone?

"How was Europe?" Alex just replied, knowing that she defeated Piper with her own weapon. It was almost like a competition, both of them trying to win those wicked games they were playing. The model even had gone so far that the media had begun to question her sexuality as she had been seen with a woman in public for the very first time, something that someone as professional as her usually wouldn't thoughtlessly do.

When Piper didn't answer, the brunette looked over her shoulder. She could see in Piper's face that she hit the right spot as the blonde was obviously speechless. _Did Piper really think that she was the only one who could play this game?_

The Piper that was driving Alex insane, not in a good way though, eventually surfaced, saying, "I'm sure you had a good time but… you probably can't remember it."

 _Again, some comment about her drug abuse, it was actually getting old._ So, Alex just chuckled to Piper's surprise and the dark-haired woman slightly shifted her position, turning around to face Piper properly.

"Your friends are waiting," she just reminded the model and gave her that smirk before she turned her back on her, again walking away from her like in this one night. And, just like in this one night, Piper stopped her.

 _With her words though._

"Are you going home?"

Although it was really weird that Piper was asking her this, Alex slowed down, too curious to know what the other woman was up to and told her, "Yeah, why?"

She heard how Piper approached her as the steps towards her became louder until she was standing next to her.

"Because my driver's probably still right around the corner and… as I don't want to be in your debt, I'll make it up to you because, you know, you brought me home the other night even though you didn't have to."

Raising a brow at her, the blonde quickly added, "So I'll be even with you. Don't think that this means that something. It's only about-"

"You being in my debt, I get it, Piper," the brunette interrupted her and nodded her head to show that she did understand her.

"Good," Piper eventually stated, in her tone so much apathy that Alex had to shake her head.

As they both began to make her way to the car, the blonde still wanted to make sure that nobody would see them and led Alex though some dark alleyways until they would reach the privacy of her car.

 _And I don't know why,_  
 _I don't know why,_  
 _it's you._

* * *

The silence in the car was so big that Alex could swear Piper could probably hear her breathing and her heart beating. Ever since they had sneaked into it, making sure that nobody had seen them, Alex was sitting on the right side of the car whilst Piper was sitting on the left side. Again, Piper kept a firm distance between them as if she tried to keep herself away from the brunette as far as possible. It made Alex grin because again, Piper was trying so hard. She was trying so hard to ignore the brunette. She was trying so hard to act that this was really only about her being the _professional_ she was and to no longer be in Alex's debt. It was the first time that both of them were actually sober and therefore fully aware of their actions. Neither of them would be able to blame them on something else, they were absolutely in charge. So, they were sitting in Piper's car, being driven to the brunette's apartment and there was no exchange of words. Here and there Alex would catch the blonde stealing a glance at her whilst Alex obviously would look at her, unlike the other woman she wouldn't hide it.

It was all so familiar. The stillness between them. The tension between them. They barely knew each other, yet both women were familiar with it. Both knew if one of them spoke up, they'd fight, they'd insult each other, they'd hate each other. And if the silence between them remained, they'd devour each other, they'd make each other scream, they'd fuck. There were only two scenarios how this night would end because they were an explosive combination. Who would've thought that hate might be even more passionate than love? At least that was what they were still believing because they haven't gotten to know the other side of the coin. _Not yet._

So, they were both in the backseat of the car, secluded from the rest of the world. It was only them, saying nothing to each other, letting the silence speak. Alex was sitting next to the woman that has been driving her insane for nearly a month now, unbeknownst to her that she has been doing the same to Piper.

"So, tell me. How many girls did you hook up with?"

 _Smooth move, Piper,_ the brunette thought to herself as she was staring out of the window, being reminded of Piper's foot-in-mouth disease.

"That's kinda funny because I could ask you the same," Alex replied when she turned her head to look at the other woman.

"But I'm actually disappointed, you know?" the raven-haired woman began, seeing that Piper didn't know what she was talking about. "I could've bet that you would no longer like dick."

The blonde wasn't the only who had made sure to be seen in the arms of different men every night she had left a club when she had been on her trip.

And there it was again, Piper's huffing.

"Screw you."

Now it was proved that it was a fact. If they spoke, they'd end up fighting. It was unavoidable. So, they had to find out if their silence led to sleeping with each other, leaving the talking to their bodies.

Alex grinned to herself as she had already expected such a response from the other woman. Whilst Piper returned her gaze on the window, the brunette's remained on Piper. Alex's mischievous smirk dropped when she wondered if they could ever give each other a break from all this fighting and would actually treat other like human beings. The only time they would was if they were in bed, keeping each other from talking by kissing, touching, fucking and actually worshipping each other. That was the only time Piper would need her, that was the only time Alex would give in to her desire be with her. That was the only time their walls would crash down, _revealing the layers to their souls._

As if Piper could feel Alex's piercing eyes on her, she turned to her, an expression on her face that was so empty and yet speaking louder than words. It was pulling Alex in and while the gap closed between them again, the silence was filled by little whimpers and soft moans when they consumed each other, their lips matching so perfectly as if _they had known each other a lifetime._

Alex's cold hands instantly found Piper's hips as hers settled around the brunette's neck before, when the kiss deepened, moved up to get lost in her black waves. That way, she pulled her closer to her and with her tight grip made sure that Alex wouldn't break away to soon. They matched so perfectly together like they were each other's missing pieces that completed them. Because the way their lips could easily find one another, the way their tongues didn't fight but danced together, they way their hands knew where to touch was for them the simplest thing. It was like it had been engraved for them. The only not so simple thing about it was to understand why _. Why Piper was Alex's match and why Alex was Piper's._

Suddenly, the feeling of their lips connected wasn't enough anymore and both women instantly craved for more. Piper's hands roamed from her black waves to her neck again when she harshly pushed Alex back onto her side of the car, her action catching the brunette so off guard that a moan escaped her mouth. Her back hit the car door but she didn't care when Piper somehow managed to straddle her. Although the backseat of the sedan wasn't one of the most comfortable places, neither of them cared when their fronts met and the sensation of their clashing bodies was one of the few things they could focus on. Eventually, Alex realised that her former nothingness turned into _somethingness._ She could feel Piper's warm, soft hands on her neck. She could taste Piper's lips on her own. She could sense the heat within her body spreading through her veins. The blonde got under her pale, cold skin, finding a way into her veins and Alex wondered if she was going to find a way out again. She wondered if Piper wanted to get out. She wondered if she could Piper let out even if she wanted to. Because she was expanding like a fever and, it would either be healing or toxic. Only time could tell.

Alex's hands quickly intensified their grip on the blonde's hips, nails digging into her smooth skin when Piper bit Alex's bottom lip and pulled it slightly. The brunette hissed in response and Piper felt her own arousal becoming stronger. If the car hadn't come to a halt jerkily, Piper would have definitely jumped her bones right then and there but didn't when the engine died and the driver knocked on the door, informing the two women that they arrived.

Although she didn't want to, Alex pulled away, breaking the kiss and the intense contact and when her eyes opened, she saw the light in those blue eyes having been replaced by dark hunger. She wouldn't question her though. She wouldn't question this whole situation because it's already become way to messed up. She would just live for the moment. And right now, she was certain that her own eyes were equally dark as Piper's. This whole situation was so messed up that again _, Alex would end breaking her own routine because of Piper._

The brunette let go of Piper's sides to open the car door, checking if they were in a secluded area and when she saw that they were, the door swung even more open and before Piper could realise the loss of Alex's closure, it returned as the brunette grabbed Piper's hand and dragged her out of the car as well.

They stumbled through the main hall of the building, crashing against some fancy sculptures whilst they were making out and as well making their way to the elevator. Both of them aware that it didn't matter if they were high, drunk or sober. They'd crave for each other anyway. Maybe not by day, when the skies would be as clear as their minds and they would swallow their emotions. But at night, the only time Piper would know Alex's name, they only time Alex would want to be by Piper's side, they only time they'd face their feelings and face each other. _At night, they would know each other._

Alex's hands explored the fabric of Piper's dress, moving her body up and down whilst she was kissing her so deeply that Alex's lips would be more essential for survival for Piper than oxygen. The blonde really wanted to tear Alex's clothes off but they were only in the elevator yet. They slammed each other against the four walls, their mouths being used for kissing, biting and sucking. When they heard something else than their own heavy breathing, they broke apart, standing awkwardly next to each other when the doors opened, letting some of Alex's neighbours in. Alex nodded politely to greet them and couldn't hate them more as she wasn't sure how long she could bear to only stand right next to Piper without touching her. The blonde was obviously as impatient because out of the corner of her eye, Alex saw how she was chewing on her bottom lip. _Adorable,_ Alex thought once again but more important, it was maddening.

To say that it felt like an eternity would be an exaggeration, yet it took too much until they finally reached the right floor to Alex's apartment. They stepped out of the lift and not even a second after they'd heard that the doors had closed again, their lips were connected instantly. Alex's back hit a wall again when Piper kissed her so hard that the brunette didn't know how much longer she could hold back. She grabbed Piper's ass whilst the other woman's hands were wrapped around her neck to pull her impossibly closer. With one swift move, the blonde's legs were around Alex's waist but with her hands still on Piper's bottom, she caught her and carried her whilst she walked up the floor to the door of her apartment that was the only one on this storey. To support her weight, Alex pressed Piper against the wall as her legs were still around her waist as she fumbled with her key to find the keyhole. But as Piper was biting her neck, licked it and traced kissed over it which was really distracting, Alex needed a few more moments until she eventually unlocked the door. They nearly fell onto the floor as Piper's back had pressed against the door. Alex held her steadily though and when the door was banged shut, the blonde could finally free themselves, thinking that their clothes were more than unnecessary and real obstacles. She quickly ripped Alex's jacket off, her snapback instantly followed. Whilst Piper was busy undressing Alex, the brunette managed to lead them towards her bedroom, a place she had never shared with anyone, a place she had only used for sleeping _alone._

When their lips broke apart and Alex began to pay attention to that one spot on Piper's neck she had found the other night, she could feel how Piper's movements suddenly slowed down. For a second, the dark-haired woman wondered if something was wrong but quickly dropped every thought and worry when she intuitively found that one spot that caused the most wonderful sounds a human being could make. Piper moaned, yet Alex could feel how the blonde's body was still rather stiff and tensed. So, she sucked on it one last time before she pulled back to face Piper who was still in her arms.

As she was no longer worshipping Piper's body, Alex eventually was able to take in her surroundings and realised that were standing right in front of her huge bed in her bedroom. They were so close, she was so close and she could tell, Piper was, too. Yet, she could also tell that something was wrong. The proof was in Piper's azure eyes that reflected… _worry?_

Furrowing, Alex asked, obviously impatient, "What's wrong?"

Piper looked stonily at her which made Alex stiffen, too. She felt how Piper's left hand left her neck and tenderly brushed over her cheek, so carefully as if she was afraid to break her.

"Your face," the blonde began, her gaze on the spot she was stroking with her fingertips.

Before Piper could ask the question of all questions, Alex headed her off by saying, "It's nothing."

She saw how Piper's nose wrinkled, how her brows pulled together whilst she was still studying her face and touching it so gently as if _she tried to fix it._

Alex let out a sigh and yet, was relieved that she hadn't turned the lights on. Because if they had been on, Piper would probably freak out like Nicky when she had seen her bruised face. Although it had been more than two weeks, the injuries healed rather slowly and sometimes her eye would still be red and for a change, the reason for it wasn't the drugs. But now wasn't the time for talking because if they did, they'd piss each other off and would remember that they were hating each other. So, Alex silenced her, keeping any more words Piper could say from coming out by claiming her mouth. She felt reluctance from Piper at first but when Alex's tongue slipped in, the blonde gave in. Her hand remained on Alex's cheek though.

Taking the final steps, Alex finally laid Piper softly on her bed and without breaking contact, positioned herself on top of her. Although her own eyes were shut as Piper was kissing her deeply, Alex could still see the sight in beneath of her. Piper lying underneath her, her golden locks spread all over her slim shoulders and her sheets. _The brunette could picture it so well as if she had seen it a thousand times._

Before she continued to remove the rest of Alex's clothes, Piper kissed her hard again before she slightly pulled back to take her glasses off. At the sudden loss of contact Alex whimpered and it actually made Piper grin. "Safety first," she whispered against Alex's lips as she eventually placed her glasses on the table next to the bed. Finally, she grabbed the ends of the brunette's hoodie and swiftly pulled it up and off, the shirt underneath it being tossed carelessly across the room.

Alex would wait before she would undress Piper as she wasn't really wearing much, only her dress and her underwear. The two had even found the time to take their shoes off before they had laid down on the bed. With every touch of Piper's warm hands on her cold skin, Alex could feel herself getting wetter with every second. Whilst the blonde was unzipping her jeans, Alex made it really heard for her to do so as she was moving her knee between her thighs. Piper's hips arched up every time the woman on top of her teased her so cruelly. It was kind of ironic how they were e _ach other's drugs,_ making each other lose their minds and driving each other insane while they were the only ones who could sedate each other, _heal each other._

When Alex felt how Piper dragged her trousers down, she moved one hand from Piper's waist to her core, touching it against the fabric of her underwear without warning. And, as Alex already knew, Piper wasn't someone who was quiet. Her name fell from Piper's lips, full of desperation and arousal clearly present in her tone. Yet, it surprised her when their positions suddenly switched and Alex found herself underneath the blonde. Her head fell onto the pillow and when Piper's lips left her own, Alex's eyes shot open and her body shot up again. Piper was quicker than her though and pushed her with her hand on Alex's chest aggressively down onto the mattress again. The way Piper was straddling her lap and claimed control was both exciting and frightening Alex. She had never let any other woman take control. But, as she had already made an exception tonight, _it wouldn't make a difference if she made another one._ Especially considering the fact that Piper began to undress herself, letting the straps of her dress fall down her shoulders, her lust-filled eyes staring deeply into Alex's who managed to prop herself up on her elbows to get a better view. The front of Piper's dress fell, exposing the blonde's black bra and the first curves of her abs. She eventually leaned down, making Alex drop onto the sheets again. Piper rested her hands next to her head to support her weight and her gaze has never left Alex's. Her beautiful cleavage was so dangerously close to Alex's face and when tried to push herself up to reach it, Piper shoved her back into her place. To increase her teasing, the woman on top of her lifted one hand to brush over her abdomen, leaving traces on its way to the spot between her thighs.

"Piper," Alex groaned and was quickly silenced by the woman with her lips.

Right now, Alex was willing to let Piper do anything to her. She was absolute mush in the golden-haired woman's hands. _For the very first time, she wasn't a stone._ She melted right the second Piper took over control.

After the blonde had comforted her with her ardent kisses, Piper sat back up and pulled her dress up and finally took it off, revealing her flawless skin and beautiful body Alex wasn't allowed to touch. Every time she would try to, Piper would push her down, punishing her by touching her lightly where she needed her the most.

As she was hovering over Alex again, Piper trailed her fingers over the brunette's underwear, her small fingertips accidentally brushing against her clit. It was really hard for Alex to hold back. She had to swallow her moans, holding her body still and keeping her composure. Piper definitely had learned something from Alex the other night. Yet, whilst Piper was the bigger brain-teaser, Alex was the master of patient teasing. Alex wasn't the only who was struggling to hold back. Her submissive role was turning Piper on as well and when she freed Alex's breasts from the lace-bra, she was questioning her own control.

Piper slowly leaned forward to capture one of Alex's nipples, her tongue circling around it, her teeth biting it, her lips worshipping it. She could tell by the fast rising of Alex's chest that the woman underneath was really struggling. So, Piper released her and herself.

"I'll cum when you'll cum," she breathed out when her lips were against Alex's again and her voice was so unusually low and her words so dirty and raw that Alex groaned.

Piper looked at her, waiting for Alex's green eyes to open. When the brunette finally understood what Piper had just told her, they finally did and met Piper's, their eyes mirroring each other's hunger.

So Piper took off the last pieces of clothing, Alex and she herself being absolutely naked and finally touched the woman underneath her right.

Two fingers easily slipped in as Piper stated, "God… You're soaking wet, Alex."

In response, Alex's hips arched up, accompanied by a deep groan and when Piper leaned down, pecking Alex's lips first, all this time her fingers thrusting deep into her, whispering, "What are you waiting for?" the dark-haired woman's eyes rolled backwards.

Whilst the blonde's fingers were buried deep within her and her palm rubbing against her clit, Alex finally got to sit up, Piper letting out a sharp breath by the sudden movement. Piper was sitting on the brunette's lap, her fingers not stopping moving. They were thrown out of rhythm though when three fingers entered her.

Piper moaned so sweetly that Alex had to stare at her when she began to ride her.

"I'll cum when you'll cum," the brunette repeated Piper's words with her even raspier and deeper voice, making it sound even sexier.

The tips of her long blonde hair hit her lower back when Piper dropped her head back in response to those words, a groan floating through her throat.

"C'mon baby I want you to come," Alex added, picking up her pace when she felt that she herself was very close.

Her name was repeated so often that both women lost count when they finally came simultaneously. They both released a moan that was caused by each other and before either of them removed their fingers, they let each other ride out their orgasm.

When their breathing calmed down, Piper's eyes found Alex's, catching her staring at her.

"You're really fucking beautiful," Alex said, her stare even more intense that it would see right through Piper any second.

It was like a déjà-vu, memories from the other night flashing in front of her eyes. They were still in the same position, Piper straddling Alex's lap who was looking up at her with her piercing emerald eyes.

"You already said that," Piper reminded her rather sheepishly as if Alex didn't remember it, her words whispered.

Neither of them breaking the stare, Alex said without batting an eye, "And I meant it every time."

With Alex's sweet words, her arms wrapped around her waist and the tenderness in her light eyes, the chains that tied her to her cage were broken for a second. Alex would be her only escape from the shallow world that had consumed her. Right in this moment, she forgot everything. She forgot that she hated Alex. She forgot that she was a somebody in a nobody world. She forgot that she was lonely.

Because right in this moment, Alex reminded her that she could love someone. Alex reminded her that she could be everything to someone. Alex reminded her that she didn't need to be alone.

So she rested her forehead against Alex's chest, burying it right in the spot where her heart was because if she stared longer into Alex's forest, she'd never find a way out again. She just wanted to capture this moment, believing the lie she had told herself a thousand times. _That she was enough_.

Yet, the realisation would hit her soon enough as it usually did. _She belonged to the world_.

 _Wish you could see you through my eyes,_  
 _Oh I'm telling you this ain't the same_  
 _Let's make it seem_  
 _like we're all we need in the end._


	7. The Perfect Girlfriend

_Alright guys, three things I have to say._

 _First thing, sorry that I always keep you waiting for so long. The last weeks were just really stressful because I just moved to a new place but it's just temporary and soon I'll move again and then university will start but I'm really into this story, too, so don't worry if you'll have to wait for an update. As long as this won't be complete, I'll continue this._

 _Second thing, I always have to thank you for your kind words and amazing reviews, they always make me find some time to write some words._

 _And last but not least, I hope this chapter was worth the wait and as always, let me know what you think! Oh and I almost forgot to say, the next chapter will be absolutely Vauseman-centric..._

 _PS: I managed to hide an easter egg in it and I'm sure if you used to be in this one fandom I got it from and if your hearts were ripped apart about two weeks ago as well, I'm sure you'll find it easily..._

* * *

 _Chapter 7: The Perfect Girlfriend_

 _I'm so wrong, so wrong,_  
 _To let you in my,_  
 _To let you in my home_  
 _Now you know where I sleep_  
 _Now you know where I sleep,_  
 _Never felt so damn weak._

She only stayed until dawn because when the sun came, the darkness disappeared for a little while and in the light, everyone could see her. Only at night when the darkness blinded she could reveal herself, every part of her that was damaged, every corner that was broken, every piece that was incomplete. That was why when Alex woke up, she was gone. The sun was up, and so were her walls and her perfect facade. Alex's arms were empty again and the warmth that was hidden underneath the blonde's cold exterior and had provided her the last night was obviously missing.

Its lack was the reason Alex stirred, awakening from her dreamless and short sleep. When she woke up and opened her eyes, everything seemed to be the same. But the realisation that it was just an enormous illusion hit her faster than her own fists could. The intruder from the last night had left marks. On Alex's pillow, on Alex's sheets, on Alex's body, in Alex's apartment, in Alex's life. _Piper's scent_ was still lingering on Alex's cushions. _Piper's body_ was carved into Alex's mattress. _Piper's teeth_ _and nails_ had buried so deep and held on so tight that they branded Alex's skin. _Piper's silhouette_ was drifting like a ghost through the rooms of Alex's place. Piper was haunting her. And Alex herself maledicted herself. When she had let her in her life. And the curse had become irrevocable last night when Alex had let Piper in her home.

Without her glasses on, she could see the damage they have made. The tables have turned and for the first time in her life, Alex wasn't the one who left someone. She was the one who was left as someone left her. Piper was gone when the brunette woke up and yet, it was like the blonde had left pieces of her soul behind that Alex's small closed-up heart had opened up to and let in, and instantly grew. Piper has officially become Alex's drug and it was better than any rush she would get from her heroine, coke and crack combined. And that was why she felt horrible, wishing her eyes wouldn't have opened up and her unconsciousness from her sleep would have remained. Because after every almost overdose, after every highest high, after every ecstasy-filled night, only Piper could give her this feeling. This feeling that she was at her lowest. This feeling that she was losing her mind. This feeling that she and her whole existence were expiring. And the only reason for it was that she needed another heavy dose of her own very personal drug. It wasn't only killing her that Piper wasn't around. It was even more killing her that she would have to admit that she so desperately needed Piper around. Her own feelings were ruining her. Feelings she believed she wasn't capable of feeling. Feelings she believed she would never have. People had told her a thousand times that she was self-destructive but only after his one time she said it herself, she realised what it really meant. It weren't the drugs, it wasn't her selfish attitude, it wasn't her cocky behaviour. The thing that has constantly been turning her into such a massive wreck was her true self. The person she really was, the person her soul created was a person who was driven by emotions. She had been dead once and now, as she was more alive than she had ever been, she was dying. Piper looked like an angel with her golden long hair and ethereal eyes that were more beautiful than any heaven and nevertheless, was crueler than the devil itself as she was the reason Alex felt like dying.

And just like her, Piper was lifeless, too. Yet, these two broken pieces would never admit it. They both were such a perfect mess and have adapted to it so perfectly, long forgotten that they could be fixed. Her mind was going ways Alex didn't want to follow and the only thing that could keep her from this path was the only alternative to Piper that once had been _her first choice._ Heroin. This powder and these pills she has been using so normally that she didn't really need a reason to use them anymore and would just consume them like her daily water or her coffee in the morning have become _secondary._ Her drugs were this _perfect girlfriend_ that she could always turn to and was always there for her. And yet, they have become an alternative, on the verge of becoming an ex, an alternative to _a person_ that was even worse for Alex than her usual drugs. Those pills and that powder were bad for Alex's health but in comparison to what Piper was doing to the MMA fighter, they were just as toxic as stinging nettles. Piper has become her kryptonite whilst her heroin and her coke have become her morphine. Piper was destroying her as her secondary drugs were actually helping the dark-haired woman not to acknowledge that Piper was ruining her. In the end though Alex was just a stupid drug-addict, a junkie that needed her dose. And if she didn't get it from her most dangerous drug, she'd turn to the softer ones that would and never could kill her as much as her _favourite one._

Alex still hasn't gotten used to the fact that someone else had been in her apartment but she would forget about it in a minute when she would chase the dragon, flying on its back to escape her problems, feelings and reality. She needed to calm down. And she only would if she lost her memory. Nevertheless, a tiny part deeply buried inside of her was whispering with the strength and conviction of a scream that she was going to forget everything except for one thing. Neither Alex nor this small part of her had to explain what this _one thing_ was. So the brunette finally got out of her the bed that was no longer owned solely by her and she put on her glasses although everything was clear to her. _Too clear_ , as Alex had already concluded and strolled from her bedroom into her kitchen where she was storing her antidote. Piper was so toxic that she had managed to rush into the dark-haired woman's veins and mind without any effort. When the heroin that was wrapped up in the thin foil was heated enough that its smoke began to rise, Alex didn't hesitate to inhale it deeply. Right in this moment, she couldn't be happier that, regardless how much Alex has used and was going to use, her body would never be capable of crossing a tolerance limit. Maybe her body has always needed that medicine more than her, and maybe only her heart has always been this great masochist that has needed this one explicit poison that she had found in Piper. She hadn't been looking for it and yet, she had found it. All these thoughts eventually went into this _box_ Alex once had gotten herself to lock all these things she refused to deal with away, things like her thoughts, her fears, her desires, her dreams, her nightmares, her pain, her hopes, her problems and her love. She has had it for so long that it would probably be covered in dust and would soon enough burst because it was so full. Both, luckily and unfortunately, this box was only existent every time she left the real world and sought refuge in her own world. _Maybe Piper wasn't the only one who belonged to a world._

Not after even a minute Alex could feel her cure begin to heal her. The heroin found its way through Alex's lungs almost as easily as Piper with her complete being into her system and the brunette's and her mind's ways parted, the numb, existing drug-addict getting into her zone whilst her mind got stowed away in this old _box_. The only thing that was still working were her lungs, providing her heart with oxygen, air and the opium becoming the only two things rushing through her veins. Alex finally calmed down. Her back was leaning against the kitchen counter as she was sitting on the wooden floor of her kitchen, her eyes staring through the huge windows but seeing nothing. That was her favourite state. She felt nothing. She saw nothing. She cared about nothing. She thought nothing. She only existed, drifting away from her problems and the dark world, finding solace and peace in her very own. _It wasn't as good as Piper,_ but for this very moment, it was that she forgot and lost her memory.

However, someone was knocking on the door of her world when the sound of her ringtone intruded her zone. If she could, she would groan but all she was able to do was rolling her eyes so slowly as they were so heavy. The loss of track of time became present when Alex was sure that her cellphone would never become silent. In the time it was ringing, she managed to finish the rest of her heroin before she was too annoyed by her mobile to relax.

"I'm coming," she mumbled, talking to herself, something she usually did every time she was stoned.

As she lost her memory, the brunette was struggling to locate her loud, vibrating phone that was getting more and more annoying immensely per second. On her way through the labyrinth that was her home, Alex had to stop in between, resting her arm on tables or chairs or leaning against the walls to stop herself from falling. If somebody saw her like this, if Nicky, her mum or Piper saw her like this right now, she'd know exactly what they'd say and what looks they'd give her. That was an advantage of being alone. _Nobody would get to see when you fall_. Yet, it was a disadvantage as well because, if you did fall and were alone, _nobody would be there to catch you_. But Alex was wearing pride as her armor, she didn't need help. Just like Piper who was pretending to be fine on her own.

 _Piper. Piper. Piper._

 _Were the drugs falling her?_

 _Piper._

 _Why was this name present in her zone?_

"What the fuck," Alex cursed under her breath, wondering what was going on as she just had shredded every piece of memory.

 _Was Piper her tolerance limit she believed she didn't have?_

 _Was Piper the queen that conquered even Alex's own world and defeated every soldier Alex's drugs had?_

These thoughts were too much for Alex to deal with. And when she tried to push them into her box, they suddenly didn't fit in. It was a nightmare. Suddenly, her high abandoned Alex and for the second time this morning, the black-haired woman found herself being left behind, this time by her other drug. The ropes were sliced through and let Alex fall. Suddenly, the world was upside down. Alex wasn't high, she was low. She wasn't in the sky, she was on the bottom of the ocean. Her peaceful illusion turned into an atrocious nightmare. The ringtone of her mobile was the only connection Alex had to the real world, reminding her that she would wake up soon.

She was no longer escaping from something that wasn't hunting her actively. She became prey and the predator was her own box.

 _"You are no good, Alex."_

 _"Your mother has cancer."_

 _"You're such a such a fucking selfish, self-absorbed, manipulative asshole."_

 _"She has only a few weeks left."_

 _"You only care about yourself."_

 _"You're a mistake, that's why your father left you before you were even born."_

 _"Go ahead, ruin your life, pop some pills, fuck girls and destroy everything that makes you human, you're doing a pretty good job so far."_

 _"You're a lost cause, Alex. You'll forever be nothing."_

 _"You're not capable of love… Nobody will ever love you…You only love yourself."_

Echoes, screams, faces of the persons who reminded her of the truth, who reminded her that sooner or later, she would always return to the real world. Echoes, screams and faces of the persons who reminded her what she was running from, why she escaped into her own world. They had never managed to pass the borders to follow Alex into her paradise but right in this moment, they were bombarding her safe haven and were dragging it and her down the bottomless sea.  
She was running away from this darkness that was about to consume her whilst in the real world, her feet were fighting to carry her to her phone that was still ringing aggressively. Alex's body was making it rather hard for them though as her heart that had been caged in the brunette's ribs began to beat so heavily and rapidly that it broke through, making her body shake so violently as if her heart was beating in every fibre of her being. Everything was fleeting inside of her, getting catapulted to the surface after it had been drowning in Alex's box deep down. Every feeling she had swallowed down, every word she had tossed away, every black memory she had buried eventually broke free. _It was an overdose._ Suddenly, the emerald-eyed woman could feel cold sweat dripping from her forehead. She had no control.

 _No control over her feelings._

 _No control over her body._

 _No control over her mind._

She was so close to her own downfall. The only thing that was still holding her burdened being together somehow was the little thin thread that was her mobile. She was focusing on its sound, finally making out where it was coming from. Yet, her bedroom seemed so far away. If it weren't for the phone, Alex would collapse any second. She had a goal and the rest of her willpower to achieve it. Silencing her damn phone that she thought was the reason her box had exploded and had turned her into this wreck she was right now. She stumbled but her physical pain was nothing compared to all those feelings that have gotten exposed. She was aching, barely breathing, her hands gripping so tightly around things of her apartment because nobody was around to catch her.  
It was so hard for her to see as images, memories and faces of the past flashing in front of the green of her eyes. Suddenly, the phrase that "she felt like dying" had gotten a literal meaning. Everyone heard that once you die, you'd see your whole life playing out in front of you like a short video. You'd see the faces of the people who are dear to you, you'd hear them speaking to you barely audible. You'd see bits of your greatest moments. Alex once heard that, too and she refused with her whole being to jump to that one logical conclusion. If she had been in this situation she was in right now a few weeks ago, precisely eight weeks ago, she wouldn't have minded. She would've been fine with it. But now, two months later she had something to live for. She had something worth suffering for. As lifeless as she once had been, Alex's life has gotten filled with a purpose very slowly over the past 8 weeks and although she knew why, she denied this one golden reason.

Finally, the brunette reached her bedroom that was still marked by Piper but all Alex could focus on was her cellphone. Heavily breathing, almost panting, the MMA fighter fell on her knees in front of her nightstand out of exhaustion and with every short breath tiny bits of the life she had so slowly gained left her again rather quickly. As her hand was shaking in rhythm with her heartbeat, the athlete was struggling to grab her phone. Everything was moving. Her hand, her mobile, her whole body, her surroundings. And that she had no control over it increased the speed in which her lifeful soul became lifeless again. As if Alex had found her anchor, she had to exhale deeply when she eventually managed to pick up her phone, a shaky, throaty and almost whispered "Hello" coming out.

"Kiddo?"

If Alex could, she would roll her eyes. Out of all people who could've called her, _it was Red._

"What… Do you want?"

And she returned to her primary state, she was lifeless again and with her arrogant question she silenced all these echoes and shoved them back into her box, about to add more to them in the next moments.

She heard a sigh coming from the other line before her former trainer and mentor began, "Are you okay?"

If Alex hadn't been this ignorant asshole she turned into again, she could've heard the big concern in Red's voice. But she had already returned to her own hollow shallows.

"I'm _perfectly_ fine," Alex replied after a short pause, making sure to emphasize the second word.

"Your voice is saying something different."

One part of Piper that was inside of her revealed itself when just like the blonde usually did, Alex huffed. She waited for the other woman to speak up as she had no intention of continuing this conversation. Luckily, Red took the cue and nevertheless tried to reach the little girl that she believed was still somewhere inside of Alex.

"Alex, I'm worried about you. Please talk to me. I haven't heard from you ever since-"

"you kicked me out like a dog? Yeah, I remember," the brunette interrupted, finishing Red's sentence. Although Alex never admitted it, the fact that her own mentor had given up on her had hit her harder than everyone would assume. _Piper wasn't the only who could wear masks and build walls to hide._

Another sigh came from the red-haired woman as all her attempts to get to Alex seemed to fail.

"I just did what was best for you. If there had been another way, I would have taken it, you know that."

"Oh I do? Are you sure? Do I really know that? Please spare me with this fucking bullshit Red and tell me what you want."

The sarcasm and the scornfulness were clearly audible in Alex's voice. Being this "fucking selfish, self-absorbed, manipulative asshole" again as Piper had once called her, the brunette finally managed to regain some control. Her heartbeat slowed down, her body became stiff, her mind was clear and silent. She was so good at this that even she herself didn't know who or what she was. Was she really this giant asshole? Or was this just her way to kill her true feelings and to bury her true self as well? What if she wasn't really this selfish piece of shit and actually had feelings that defined her and made her who she truly was? What if she was actually capable of love? _And if she was, was she worth of it?_

Too many questions and thoughts began to fill her mind and Alex emptied it by putting them into her _box._

"Alex, I care about you, I raised you and treated you like my own child when things were falling apart for you. I was there for you, I'll always be there for you. Do you really think that I wanted to push you away?"

Red was trying to drive on the emotional, deep rail but she would soon collide with Alex's cold, soulless train.

"You did. You did push me away," the brunette eventually reminded her after she had to look for the right words. Although she was too deaf, Red nevertheless could hear the pain and disappointment in the dark-haired woman's tone.

"Because I was trying to help! I'm still trying," the older woman clarified.

 _But Alex wouldn't understand._

"No you're not. Do you know what this is? This is a call to silence your own conscience, so you can be at peace with your guilt. This is what it's all about and don't say shit to me like you care about me and just want for me what is best for me. You don't get to say that after you fucking kicked me out!"  
Her last words carried much more meaning than they'd give away as Alex's voice nearly trembled when they fell from her lips. The brunette knew it all too well. As her teachers and other stuck-up pigs had once said to her that "she was a mistake" and would "forever be nothing", the moment Red had turned her back on her were more painful and violent than these words had been. Because that moment was different. It had taken Alex a long time to realise that these words those people had said to her when she had been a kid had been meaningless and would forever be. It hadn't been her fault that those people had been living such desperate and pointless lives that they had the urge to let it out on a little child. This time though, Alex knew _; it was her own fault_. She fucked up. Red has never been one of those people. Red has always cared about her and her well-being. Red only tore Alex down to make her rise higher than she had been before. And when she had seen that she had let this woman down, she had proved all those goddamn people right. All she was and all she was forever going to be was _a mistake._

But those thoughts and this realisation had already been locked up in _Alex's box_ and they had vanished, making space for Alex's ego that was saying and doing all these regretful things.

"Do you really believe that?"

 _No,_ was her true answer. She knew that Red was giving her a chance to make herself better, to fix herself, to rescue her from forever being adapted to the ice inside of her. But Alex believed that it was too late.

 _So she lied._

"Yes."

Although she couldn't see the other woman, Alex knew that she defeatedly nodded her head. _Red was right._ Alex was her own greatest enemy and she couldn't teach her how to beat it. Only Alex herself was able to do that. That was they thought and both knew, neither of them aware of the angel that had already been sent to Alex that could rescue her. _Piper only had to reveal her own wings._

"Well," Red swallowed to keep her own feelings down as well and continued with a final statement in her tone, "if that is what you really believe I guess there's nothing I can do for you."

Red really wanted to help Alex, to pull her together again but she was drifting away, slipping out of her hand and out of her reach. The black-haired woman was growing apart from everything and after this call Red was sure about this assumption.

The brunette knew the meaning of those words but ignored them as she questioned her again out of context, "Why did you call, Red?"

Her walls were up and her box was getting bigger.

"As I already said, I was worried about you. And…" now she won Alex's interest as she could tell that Red definitely called for another reason. "A few days ago some member of the UFC called me and told me about a big tournament in Vegas. He was really eager to get the world-champion into this. I just wanted to let you know that there are some people out there who miss you."

 _They miss the champion, not me,_ Alex instantly knew but couldn't read much into this information.

"What does that mean?" she directly asked, wondering if Red was actually about to get her back again.

"It means that you are someone and that people still want you," the red-haired woman knew exactly which words she should use and paused before she added, "but as long as you're not able to see that, I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I said no."

To be honest, Alex was actually getting her hopes up before Red violently crashed them down again. She actually missed the fighting, the training, the way people chanted her name, no matter if because they didn't like her or cheered for her. She couldn't believe that her trainer, her former trainer turned down such an opportunity for her.

"You said what?!"

Alex didn't act as if she hadn't heard her Red's words as they were pretty clear. She just couldn't believe them and internally wished that she misunderstood the other woman.

"You're not ready for a comeback. There's not one person who doesn't know that you and I are on a break and if you won't come back stronger than you were, it will be your downfall."

Alex already had one downfall today and although she didn't need another one, she refused to acknowledge the sense in Red's words.

"I can make my own decisions. You're no longer my trainer Red or, as you said it, you and I are on a break. I'll fight."

"No you won't," Red immediately told her with this serious trainer tone Alex knew too well.

"You're not in the position to decide for me. Not anymore," before Alex continued, she hesitated, having an inner fight with herself if she should really say those things that were about to come out of her mouth. Her enemy was stronger than her though.

"You know what? You never really saw the talent in me. You always saw less in me although we both know that I'm so much more. You always dragged me down. Honestly Red? I'm so much better off without you. I don't need you to better myself. I could've already been the best if you hadn't made me so much worse. You're the reason I fucked up."

With every word that had fallen from her lips, they had burned so much that every single one had left a mark on them. She internally wished that Red believed those words more than Alex because she didn't. She actually meant the opposite. If she hadn't found shelter in Red's gym, she would've been the worst. And now, as the red-haired woman was no longer around, she was on her way to become the worst. It wasn't Red who fucked Alex's life up but the brunette herself.

She couldn't tell if Red was speechless, or hurt, or aware of the fact that Alex was blatantly lying because her response couldn't give away anything.

"Maybe you're right Alex."

"About what?!" the brunette instantly asked but got no response when the line turned dead, _just like her._

* * *

Piper really hoped that her day was going to end better than it had started. Last night she had again gotten dangerously close to Alex, too close and another thing she had in common with the brunette was that she didn't know how to deal with feelings, closure and emotional stuff, too. After she had made sure that the dark-haired woman had fallen into a deep sleep, she had sneaked out of her tight embrace and out of her apartment. Her driver had picked her up from a corner nobody could have seen her and when she had arrived home, she hadn't even had time to go back to sleep. As her break had been eventually over, the blonde had to work again and although this was the first week, it was already stressful. Today she had to walk at the Pre-Opening for the coming Fashion-Week. All she had had time for this morning had been to take a quick shower. Although her body had been clean after it, her skin has still been marked by Alex.

Her fingertips and hands and lips remained engraved in it whilst the brunette was plaguing her mind as well. Piper actually began to get used to the raven-haired woman occupying her mind as all of her thoughts would circle and revolve around Alex. It had become a normal thing. So she had given up to fight it and simply accepted it, yet hasn't given in to admit anything to anybody. Most things were still the same. Piper still didn't like Alex. She just liked to fuck her and to be fucked by her. She just liked to use her to distract herself from her loneliness. She just liked the fact that every time she would be in the need of company, someone would be around to keep hers. And that someone simply happened to be Alex. Alex just happened to be around every time Piper needed to get off and out of the darkness that had been consuming her. If she had to define what Alex and she were, she'd say that they were soulless soulmates or, heartless lovers. Every time they were together, their bodies matched perfectly and everything seemed to fall into place. And as both insisted that this thing that was going on between them was only about physical needs without any feelings or emotions or deeper meaning involved, neither of them had to pretend. They knew what they wanted from each other and what their bodies craved for. Alex knew Piper's body and Piper knew Alex's. Yet, neither of them had confirmed nor neglected anything. They never really talked to each other and if they actually did, they would say mean things and piss each other off. And the only way to shut each other up was to silence the other by reclaiming their mouth and by the end of the night, the only thing either of them said was the other person's name. _'Fuck you's_ would turn into _'Fuck me's_ and _'You're a fucking asshole'_ would turn into ' _You're fucking beautiful'._ If somebody saw how Alex and Piper interacted, nobody would suspect that something was going on between them. They would see them as nemeses, arch enemies who were constantly fighting and reminding the other how much they hated each other. Yet, love and hate were the most passionate feelings a person can have. And as much as they believed to hate each other, _the love they could have for the other would be even greater._

 _"I like hot girls, and I like hot boys. I like hot people. What can I say? I'm shallow,"_ a voice quoted Piper that echoed through her dressing room.

Without turning around, Piper's eyes remained on the mirror to look at Polly who had just walked into her room. It was a habit for Piper to have her best friend around every time she would have a photoshoot or a fashion show the model had to represent clothes at. The blonde raised a brow at her friend and just shrugged before she returned her gaze on her own reflection in the mirror. She knew that Polly would speak up any second to discuss the interview Piper had had after she had returned to New York.

"What's that supposed to mean? Are you bi? Are you gay? Are you horny 24/7? Since when have you been into girls? Why didn't you tell me about it?" Polly began to ramble.

Whilst her best friend was eagerly waiting for a clear confirmation from Piper and was already about to ask her next questions, the blonde wasn't interested in making a big fuss about it. Sure, she was a professional and maybe her answer to the questions that had come up ever since she had been seen with her fellow model in Italy hadn't been as slick, the model actually didn't really care. Because of Alex. It was all about and because of Alex. It had been her intention to be seen with her co-worker. And she had achieved her goal when her paths had crossed the brunette's again who had seen these pictures and had heard about Piper on the news as well. And it had ended in her favor when the emerald-eyed beauty had taken her home.

When the blonde was about to speak up, the door to her room swung open another time when one of the members of her agency informed her that her stylists was already expecting her.

"What can I say? I'm shallow," Piper repeated her own words from the interview and slightly smirked at her friend, leaving a confused and stuttering Polly behind when she made her way to her make-up artists.

Of course Polly followed her, not willing to simply forget about it. The golden-haired woman eventually reached her destination and took a seat, her azure eyes falling shut for a moment.

"I'm serious about this, Pipe. I'm your best friend and I should be the first person you would talk to."

It always amused Piper how Polly was literally this little girl who would play with dolls and would have this weird obsession to be saved by a knight in a golden armor on a white horse from the evil dragon. She loved her nevertheless and opened her eyes to see in the mirror the reflection of a concerned Polly standing behind her.

"I'm sorry, next time you'll be the first one, I promise," Piper assured her and the way she made it sound like it was nothing drove Polly crazy. Although the two friends never really had too much in common, they still got along very well. Especially because Polly could tell every time something was bothering her best friend or if she was hiding something from her. She couldn't read her like this one certain raven-haired woman but nonetheless could see if Piper was trying not to deal with something. Because every time her best friend refused to, she would leave.

"Who is she?" Polly eventually asked after she had put one and one together. And she knew she hit the right spot when the expression on the blonde's face instantly changed, her brows pulled together and her nose wrinkled.

"Who is who?" the blonde asked, too casually though and her attempt to play all innocent failed.

When she received no response from her shorter friend, Piper eventually turned her head to gaze at her, seeing a grin on Polly's face.

"The one you went home with when you were out with your model friends," Piper's eyes did what she couldn't do right and left her friend's figure who continued as she shifted her position to stand beside her, "Yes, they told me. They said that you ran into someone on your way to the club and never actually came back. Who is the mysterious person? Is it a woman? I asked them if they knew who the person was you left them for but nobody could really tell me. They just said something like he or she looked like a hobo… Are you a junkie, Piper?!"

Polly's question made Piper almost jump in her chair but instead her eyes immediately shot up at her and she saw that she was more serious about this than Piper would've guessed.

"What? No!"

 _Alex was a junkie._ Yet, knowing that those other models called the brunette a 'hobo' made her actually furious. As much as Piper had insulted Alex, she wasn't okay with anyone else insulting the dark-haired woman. _It was far from okay._ And she was more than furious because of it, her temper beginning to break through.

"Who said that?" the blonde asked, nearly gritting her teeth.

"I, I, I dunno," Polly stuttered as she knew that her friend was getting angry. "I just asked them and they told me what they saw. It's not like you would talk to me."

The blonde sighed and closed her eyes before she slowly calmed down again whilst her make-up artist started to prepare her for the show. Silence surrounded them but that moment wouldn't last long when Piper's stylist lifted her blonde hair and freed the skin that had been covered. And when Polly's eyes fell on the newly exposed skin, her eyeballs nearly fall out.

"Oh my god," she gasped.

Whilst Piper tried to relax and to enjoy the few moments of calmness and silence before the show, her eyes remained closed and she only opened her mouth to ask, "What?"

When she didn't get a response from her friend, the model reluctantly broke the calm moment she had had and looked up at her friend who had an expression on her face that made Piper uncomfortable. Polly's shit-eating grin was huge and made the blonde furrow her brows. She was still waiting for an answer but instead, Polly just pointed with her index finger at her collar bone. Sighing, the blonde rolled her eyes before they dropped to the spot on her skin her friend had indicated. And the thing she saw caught her breath in her throat.

"No," Piper said as if her word could remove the big mark Alex had left on her.

"Yes," her friend replied with a playful tone in her voice.

The blonde's fingers traced over the hickey over her collarbone to prove to herself that it was real. Fuck you, Alex were the words she'd say to the brunette if she were around right now. _Alex branded her, marked her, left her sign on Piper to make everyone see that she was hers._

"Spill it out, Pipe."

Wide-eyed, the golden-haired woman shot a glance at her stylist first, telling him with her eyes that he had to cover it up. Then her eyes wandered over to Polly who was grinning so stupidly that Piper had to roll her eyes.

Before she could say anything though, Faye walked by and of course, saw the hickey as well. _Alex had made sure that everyone was going to see it._

"I guess Alex must have really missed you," the model commented and made everything worse.

"Alex?!" Polly instantly exclaimed as she had gotten a name, finally able to continue her investigation. "Who is Alex?"

"Piper's not-girlfriend girlfriend."

The blonde already buried her face in her palm, mentally kicking Faye in the face. Although she didn't want to answer any of her friend's questions, she definitely didn't want her one-night stand to speak for her.

"Don't you have to go somewhere, Faye?" Piper eventually asked her, the tone of her voice making her question sound like a threat.

The other model chuckled, throwing one last glance at Piper to wink at her as she praised her, "Good to know that you know my name by now," and finally left the two friends.

Another sigh left Piper's mouth and she didn't even need to look at her best friend to see her completely dumbfounded face. Instead, she simply waited and it didn't take her friend even a second to say, "What the hell was she talking about? And even more important-Who is Alex?!"

"Nobody."

"Ghosts can't kiss you so hard that your skin turns purple and blue, Piper," Polly immediately deadpanned as she was far from willing to drop the topic.

As the blonde was trying her best to ignore her best friend, the shorter woman eventually didn't need any explanation or confirmation from Piper when she jumped to her own conclusion.

"No way," she spoke up after she had solved the mystery.

Back when they had happened to go to this one MMA fight a while ago, Polly had actually only been joking. But now she knew that her jokes were more than empty banter.

Piper's brows were in a thin line again and Polly explained, "I can't believe it. I was right! I've been right the whole time! How long?"

"Polly," the blonde sighed before she added, "what are you talking about? How long what?"

"How long have you been fucking Alex Vause?"

The way Piper's face instantly dropped as her eyes grew was enough proof for Polly. The model saw in the mirror how her stylist shot a glance at her, stopping what he was doing for a second before he saw that Piper caught him looking at her, telling him with a threatening look that he was supposed to keep his mouth shut.

"Calm down, Polly!" she hushed her friend as she looked around to check if anyone else was in earshot.

This time, it was Polly who was waiting for Piper to speak up. And she eventually did when she told her best friend, "There's nothing going on between her and me, alright?"

 _Nothing._

It was a lie and Polly knew her best friend all too well. And she also knew that Piper was a bad liar. Yet, she decided to give the blonde some rest and lifted her hands, surrendering but giving her friend one last look so she didn't have to remind Piper that she knew her.

Although Piper didn't know what Alex and she were or, if they even were anything, she did know that they _weren't nothing. It was just too hard to admit it._

* * *

Their long days eventually came to an end. It was between one and two o'clock at night when Piper was finally free to go home. Again, she had made everyone fall head over heels with love in her when she had been walking the stage up and down in this exaggeratedly expensive clothing. Although she was more than looking forward to drop onto her bed and to actually get some sleep, she pulled her phone out when she was making her way from the elevator to the front door of her apartment. The blonde opened her contacts, unbeknownst to her that she didn't need to make this one phone call when she was all alone as the person whose number she intended to call was already there. This time though, _it wasn't Piper who needed to be saved._

The model didn't see the other person at first as the automatic lights lately needed a few more seconds to eventually turn on. When the lightness revealed her and diminished Piper's darkness that had already been wrapping its fingers around the blonde, she actually jumped.

"What are you doing here?!" the model instantly asked, obviously surprised.

This was the point Piper officially knew, Alex wasn't only able to see through her. The brunette was also able to read her.

"I, I don't know."

Alex immediately shot up from the floor and was standing in front of Piper, their eyes finding each other easily.

"Are you high?" the blonde asked, trying to destroy every possible emotional intimacy that had been between them more than once.

"No!" the emerald-eyed woman instantly answered as she was aware in which direction Piper was heading. Yet, she also knew that her face would bust her. Because her skin was whiter than the coke she would snort and her eyes were redder than her blood that she would mix with heroin and her light green eyes were pale as they had lost its colour and looked ice blue. "Yes… I mean, I was? Before I came here?"

She sighed, seeing how the expressions on Piper's face altered. Alex had to be careful with the choice of her words.

"Alex," Piper eventually began, shaking her head as she was more than confused. "Why are you here?"

The brunette's jade-green eyes pierced their way through Piper's walls and her words managed to make them crumble.

"Honestly? I didn't know where to go… I actually wanted to go home but I kinda ended up here… It doesn't make sense, does it?"

Ever since the dark-haired woman had stepped into Piper's life, _nothing has made sense anymore._ Because Alex made Piper question everything.

"Not really," the blonde replied, her eyes absolutely empty and at the same time full of wonder.

While Alex had already looked Piper up and down the moment she had come in, it took some more time for the blonde to study the other woman who again was looking so attractive that it was unfair. Although she was only wearing some tight casual jeans and a normal top that was covered by this leather jacket Piper had been familiar with, she looked gorgeous nevertheless. The blonde had to collect enough willpower to eventually manage to stop herself from staring and she needed even more to actually focus.

"How did you even get in?" the model asked as this building was guarded all the time.

She saw a small smile tugging at the corner of Alex's lips who explained, "Through the back door. And I might or might not have paid your doorkeeper some money."

The two women were still facing each other and although both would agree that there was too much distance between them and too many clothes on them, neither of them knew how to deal with this situation. It was getting out of their hands. Even though this thing between the two of them was on its best way to become a routine, Piper knowing Alex only by night and Alex letting Piper use her to distract herself from her demons, this moment was on another level. Piper had been about to call Alex as she had gotten lonely again and had found out that this call had been unnecessary. The brunette had already found her way to Piper. Literally. Because after Alex had had this rough and shitty day, she had swallowed more pills that had dragged her emotions with them and had gone out to some fancy clubs nearly unconscious. And although her _perfect girlfriend_ had gotten her high, Alex somehow had been on autopilot as her feet had led her to Piper who could easily turn Alex's _perfect girlfriend into an ex_. Simply because Piper was the best drug Alex had ever used.

When the dark-haired woman began to adjust her glasses and eventually put them on top of her head, Piper had to inhale deeply as if she found some composure in the thin air between them. She really didn't know what to do. She sucked at dealing with emotional chaos because although she usually would avoid it by simply leaving, that was no option for her. When Alex told her indirectly that Piper was the only person she could turn to, her emerald eyes revealed _so much more._ They were tired. And the way the brunette was staring at her the whole time, Piper knew that _she didn't come to talk._

Although Piper still hasn't forgotten that Alex was no good and a drug-addict and an asshole and driving her crazy, she silenced her mind with her words, "Do you want to come in?"

Whilst the blonde reluctantly took her eyes off the other woman to unlock her door with her trembling hand, Alex didn't step aside, her body remaining in front of the door Piper was trying to open and her eyes projecting its pale green on the model's face. She just wanted to be sure that Piper didn't misinterpreted anything. The reason she came wasn't because she wanted to talk about God and the world. Her day had been terrible and only Piper was able to better her night. _With her lips, with her moans, with her hands, with her tongue, with her skin and all those other addictive traits that replaced Alex's heroin and coke._

"Piper."

Her name came out throaty and low and when the door finally flew open, Piper's eyes shot up at the raven-haired woman again who added, "I didn't come here to talk."

"I didn't invite you in to talk," the blonde clarified, letting Alex know that she had the same intention.

And Piper's body confirmed her statement when her lips crushed on Alex's bruised and yet soft ones to keep any other words from coming out as her hands gripped the brunette's collar and pushed her into her apartment to keep her from leaving.

 _'Cause the least I deserve is no conversation,_  
 _I been struggling all week_  
 _I'd rather be your enemy_  
 _than any friend you think I would be_

The most of their clothes were off in the blink of an eye before they even managed to get upstairs to Piper's bed. Their hands were exploring the exposed skin whilst their lips were consuming each other, Alex finally about to get this overdose she had been craving for all day. The only thing that filled the silence between them were Piper's soft moans that escaped her mouth every time Alex bit and sucked on her neck. Somehow they managed to reach the blonde's bed and when Piper sat down on the end of it as the other woman was standing in front of her between her legs, her jade-green eyes telling her that she was the most beautiful thing they had ever fallen on. As the brunette was towering her, Piper lifted her hands to rest them softly on Alex's sides and when they wandered up, the standing woman leaned down to connect their lips and let herself be pulled down on the bed. Alex's bra was instantly off and she knew she would have to search for it when she'd leave.

Their flash fronts met when the woman underneath Alex dragged her impossibly closer, her tongue tracing over the brunette's bottom lip. Of course Alex granted access and whilst their tongues were battling, she used her hand to unclasp Piper's bra as well and tossed it across the room. And when she did, something cracked in the blonde's apartment as Alex might have hit something with Piper's underwear. Neither cared though, their focus on worshipping each other's bodies. While their lips were far from willing to let each other go, the woman on top wandered her hand over Piper's smooth skin before it settled on her chest. Only the feeling of Alex's fingertips on her skin would be enough for the golden-haired woman to fly sky high. She wouldn't need any sweet words from Alex, although she appreciated them nevertheless. If somebody told her that Alex would be able to perform magic, she wouldn't question it. Because the way the dark-haired woman perfectly knew where to touch Piper and where to kiss her as if she knew Piper's body by heart was simply inexplicable. They might have spent two long nights together and a short morning and yet, it was like they had known each other a lifetime, as if they found each other in a heartbeat in another life, in another universe, as if they were _soulmates._ But as Piper had already figured, they both were _soulless_.

When Alex broke the intense contact for a short moment to put her glasses away, she saw the big mark she had left nonetheless.

"Is that a hickey?" she asked whilst Piper was heavily breathing underneath her as she lusted for the woman on top of her.

Her azure eyes opened slowly, not because of Alex's question but rather because she was wondering why the brunette's lips weren't on hers again. She saw a mischievous smirk ghosting over Alex's face who was looking proudly at the colourful spot near Piper's collarbone.

"Yes Dracula," the blonde commented and informed the other woman, "It was really hard to hide it."

Alex chuckled at this and although her voice was usually raspy and low, her soft laughter was light and as beautiful as the noises the dark-haired woman made every time she came.

"Did anyone else see it?"

"Yes," Piper breathed out whilst she she brushed her fingers over Alex's abdomen.

The woman that was hovering her nodded and eventually returned her gaze on Piper and before she kissed her hard and deep, she whispered against her lips, "Good."

The rest of their clothes were ripped off, too and when Alex thought it was time to kiss Piper's other lips, she left a trail of kisses on the blonde's front before she finally rested her head between the other woman's legs. She kissed her everywhere except for where the blonde needed her the most and heard soft whimpers coming from her. Alex's hands were gripping tightly around her thighs and every time her breath hit Piper's core, her hips arched up and her body was impatiently shaking. And her voice was impatiently pleading, "Fuck… Alex."

Piper wasn't the only impatient one though. If Alex had to live off only one thing for the rest of her life, she would Piper in an instant. The way she smelled and the way she tasted was simply heavenly. Just like Piper who'd reach her paradise every time Alex would dive into her, Alex would follow her.

"Say one more word and I'll stop," Alex eventually warned before she sticked her tongue between Piper's wet lips.

By the way Piper's body was trembling underneath her Alex could tell that she wanted to moan. But every word would stop her because Alex truly didn't want to talk. She hated talking. Especially about feelings and fears and bad days. All she wanted was to get into her zone. _And she would if she entered Piper._

As the blonde wasn't allowed to talk, her body did and shook violently as her hips lifted from the sheets every time Alex's tongue went deeper. With every lick and curl of it Alex got another dose of Piper who was so close to the edge. Every motion of her tongue hit the right spot and made it so easy for Alex to make Piper cum _without a word._

When Alex licked the rest of the blonde's juices, she placed one last kiss on her clit before she crawled up to Piper. And she looked so beautiful that Alex was about to tell her a third time that she was. But this night was supposed to remain silent. She didn't want to talk. So she told her with a gentle and passionate kiss all those things she refused to say.

 _I'm just trying to kiss your neck without a word_  
 _I'm just trying to lay you down without a word_  
 _I'm just trying to get you high without a word_  
 _I'm just trying to make you cum without a word_

 _Please, please, please_  
 _Let me, let me, let me_  
 _Let me, get what I want this time_

* * *

It was probably still the middle of the night as the moon and the stars were the only light illuminating the blonde's bedroom when Alex eventually talked. She was asleep though and those things that left her mouth made Piper realise that the woman next to her was having a nightmare. They had passed out after Piper had kissed and sucked on every part of Alex's body and when the model woke up, the dark-haired woman was lying with her back to her whilst she was muttering nonsense and her body was shaking. The nonsense was horrible though as Alex repeatedly said things like 'please, no' and sharp breaths interrupted her other words. Although Piper was slightly surprised to find Alex sleeping next to her as they both had gotten what they had wanted, it was her instinct to reach for the brunette's shoulder to carefully rest her hand on it.

With the softest tone her voice could make, Piper whispered Alex's name into the space between them. Alex's body kept trembling nevertheless and the blonde who had been lying on her back shifted her weight onto her side and propped herself up on her left elbow, her right hand still on Alex's shoulder, the skin underneath her it unusually hot as the dark-haired woman's body was normally ice-cold.

"Alex," she said again as she inched closer to the black mane that covered Alex's ear.

Her hand eventually intensified its grip and began to shake the brunette to wake her up from her bad dream. When Alex's muttering grew louder and the nervous movements of her body seemed to increase its speed and intensity, the golden-haired woman finally managed to stop them with one final strong whisper of the other woman's name.

When she heard a deep breath quickly escaping Alex's throat that seemed to have taken a bit of the nightmare with it, Piper scooted closer to see the side of the face of the woman next to her.

"Hey, it's okay. You're okay," she assured Alex and the way she said it actually made the broken woman believe _that she was okay._

Only for a short moment though because when the brunette managed to slowly calm down, her mind began to function and she realised that she was in the wrong bed, in the wrong room. And Piper witnessed her having one of those haunting, devilish, dark nightmares. _Nothing was okay._

When she could feel under the touch of her hand that Alex's heavy breathing slowed down, her hand dropped but didn't leave Alex's body. It wandered from her shoulder over her back, with her fingertips gently stroking Alex's salt shaker tattoo. Although she wondered why the brunette had gotten this motive inked onto her skin, she could wait for an explanation. Instead, she asked her something else, something more important in this moment.

"How often do you have such… dreams?"

Piper didn't dare to say 'nightmares' as she feared saying this word would make Alex leave in an instant because suddenly, _she didn't want her to leave._

"It's nothing," Alex replied, obviously still holding onto her 'No Talking' rule.

Although her back was still facing the blonde, Alex knew she was staring at her, expectantly waiting for an appropriate answer. She sighed but didn't shift when she lied, "It's the drugs."

Well, to be correct, it wasn't a lie but it also wasn't completely the truth. These nightmares that have been haunting her for longer than she could actually remember would be triggered by many things and would intensify every time Alex would get absolutely stoned. Yet, those disturbing images and horrendous voices could never stop her from her drug abuse. Alex and sleep had never been friends. Most nights Alex would roll from one side to another, never finding real peace, getting up in the morning after another sleepless night. She'd only fall asleep for some time if she killed her mind by some pills or some hits. And if the price for a short night of some sleep were those nightmares, she'd pay it.

As forward as Piper has been ever since Alex had met her, she could've expected this question coming from her.

"Why do you use _them_ if you have nightmares because of _them_?"

Because before Piper, they had been _the perfect girlfriend_. _They_ had understood Alex without any need of a conversation. _They_ had supported Alex without any doubt. _They_ had been there for Alex when no else had been. But now Alex realised that Piper's question was actually justified. Piper had taken their place. Piper could be _this perfect girlfriend_ Alex had once found in the drugs. Piper was the one who understood Alex when the dark-haired woman didn't want to talk. Piper helped Alex to wake up from her nightmare. Piper offered Alex shelter when no one else was there for the brunette.

Yet, as much as her life had changed in such a short amount of time, Alex wouldn't change this easily. She was still a closed-up, coldhearted asshole. So when _she turned to Piper_ and rolled over to face her, she gave her an expressionless look before she asked, "Can we talk about something else?"

And what made Piper even more _this perfect girlfriend_ she could be was the fact that she was just as emotionless, lifeless and hollow as Alex.

"We don't have to talk at all."

This response was simply meant to drag Alex physically closer and, to her still unbeknownst, emotionally as well, and she was climbing on top of the golden-haired woman again, silencing her with an ardent kiss to avert any possible word from ruining this moment.


	8. Ceasefire

_Yes, the easter egg was the stolen Clexa scene in the last part of the last chapter. Anyways, as you can see, it's another monster chapter... As always, let me know what you think... Forgive me for any mistakes, it's just that I always write at night so there might be some sleep-deprived mistakes in it. I hope you like it..._

* * *

 _Chapter 8: Ceasefire_

Although those waves were blacker than the night whilst her own were golden and brighter than the sun, they matched nevertheless Piper realised when her sapphire eyes slowly opened. A strong arm was wrapped around her stomach and the blonde liked the way it made her feel safe. A hot breath was hitting the skin of her neck and she liked the way it was telling her that she wasn't alone. Taking her gaze from the ceiling, she settled it on the person whose arm and breath were capturing her. Alex's face was so close to hers when she turned her head to the side and saw that the brunette's usually perfect winged eyeliner was messed up and the only thing left of it were blurry lines. That made Piper smile although she should actually panic. Alex was still here, next to her, she didn't leave her, she was holding her and as close as their bodies were to each other, something else was even closer. Something that Piper once had reduced to only pump the blood through her veins. Something that Piper once had closed up. Something that suddenly was providing Piper's body with more than just blood. Her heart was beating the ecstasy of Alex through her veins. Her heart was finally more than a _machine_ again. It made Piper's stomach flatter and giving her the feeling of riding a roller coaster. Her heart got rid off the heartlessness Piper had once grown and regained the ability to make its owner feel. With every beat of it, it was trying to almost violently drag Piper even closer to the woman next to her. And as much a Piper was fighting it, _her enemy was stronger than her._

Lost in her thoughts, the blonde didn't realise that she was staring, her blue eyes studying Alex intensely. Her thin brows that had a cut. Her strong cheekbones that were used to violence. Her unbroken nose that inhaled more coke than oxygen. Her full lips that, as bruised as they could be, were the softest Piper ever kissed. Her edgy chin that Alex was always holding up to overshadow everything she was hiding.

Piper wondered, wondered why Alex was doing those things she was doing. Why was she a MMA fighter, getting beat up on a regular basis. Why was she a drug-addict, getting high every single day. Why was she an emotionless asshole, shutting out people without any hesitation. She didn't see that they were so similar. She didn't see that she herself was doing the same things Alex did in another way. Piper was so used to being used that she instantly would be suspicious if someone didn't mistreat her. Piper used people to forget about her loneliness. Piper was wearing masks to hide her true face. If Alex was black, Piper would be white and yet, they would be the same. They would be the same because Alex was the black in Piper's white and Piper was the white in Alex's black. _And without Yin, there was no Yang._

As if it were an instinct, Piper looked down where Alex's arm was resting on her bare skin and reached with one hand for the brunette's hand, intertwining their hands carefully. Her hand fit into hers as if it was made for hers and it was like everything clicked. Everything fell into place. All these broken and shattered pieces that created the mess Piper was formed a masterpiece again, being completed by Alex's pieces. Her blue gaze lingered on their hands, fixed on the brunette's knuckles that have broken so many bones before and have been broken very often, too. Yet, when their fingers locked as everything else locked as well, the touch was so soft and gentle. The only tension she felt was when Alex unconsciously gave Piper's hand a light squeeze. _Even in her sleep, she knew who she could hold on to._ It didn't even occur to Piper that this was all supposed to be wrong because it felt too right. The only thing she was afraid of in this moment was Alex's reaction when she'd wake up. If she did, her piercing emerald eyes would see that every mask was gone and that the walls were down, giving Alex a direct look at Piper's soul. And Piper didn't know if that was what the dark-haired woman wanted to see. It was too late though as the jade-green fell on Piper.

Alex didn't know if she should pull away, if she should let go, if she should act oblivious to the obvious things that were taking place in their little world. Her senses were eventually awake as well and she felt Piper's breathing under the arm she rested on her abdomen. She smelt Piper's strawberry shampoo and how her blonde locks were tickling her face. She felt how slender fingers were playing with her own, taking every strength and power in them away with every soft touch. And she saw Piper. Her profile that was adorned by her flawless jawline and free of every cage. Alex didn't need to look into her blue eyes to look through her because right in this moment, Piper was vulnerable, exposed, open, offering Alex to let her in.

And as much as the brunette wanted to walk through this door, she herself slammed all doors shut and burned the bridges down. She caught a glimpse of all the things Piper and her _could be_ , saw that they could be so much more. And if Piper was showing her this and Alex was actually able to see this, one of them had to close their eyes to this and pull the brake.

So she enjoyed the last seconds of _whatever this thing_ was between them and reluctantly loosened her grip on Piper's hand and pulled her arm and heart back.

"You're awake," Piper realised and her eyes remained on the ghost of Alex's hand that had been in her own only a second ago.

"Yup."

Her response was short and came out harsh, empty, not giving away any feeling that was fighting to find a way out of Alex's box and out of her mouth. The brunette swiftly propped herself up and sat down on the edge of the bed, her back still facing Piper who didn't need to look at the other woman to know that she was about to escape. As she was sitting, she took her glasses on and scanned the room to find her clothes that were spread on the mosaic floor of Piper's bedroom. And she spotted the lamb they might have broken when they had tossed their clothes a bit too carelessly across the room. With the blanket wrapped around her naked body, the dark-haired woman eventually got up and began to gather her clothes.

"Do you have to go somewhere?" Piper suddenly asked who hasn't moved and was still lying on the mattress.

Although she couldn't see her, Alex frowned and absentmindedly whispered nonsense under her breath as if she was trying to concentrate on everything except Piper.

"Sorry about the lamp," the woman apologized who was already so gone.

Again, the brunette didn't know how to handle any of this, Piper's gentle touches, this closure, this nightmare she had had and Piper having comforted her. That was the result of the overdose she had taken when she had come to the blonde. Alex was coming down and as much as her body was craving for another dose, Alex would satisfy it with her _alternative._

"Alex, are you even listening?"

 _No, yes, I don't know, I can't,_ Alex mumbled so quietly that even she herself could barely hear her own words. Why was Piper doing this? It hadn't taken Alex a second to figure Piper out and to look past all those facades and yet, when Piper had willingly let her, the dark-haired woman wished she would be blind. Maybe because it felt real, it felt like they had been captured in a dream they both had believed had been reality this whole time, only to find out that they had been wrong and finally woke up. This nameless thing between them still had no name but it was real. And junkies always escaped reality. That was why Alex and every other junkie was a junkie.

"You gotta catch up, don't you?" Piper began, catching Alex off guard who had gotten lost in her thoughts. "You're too sober for the morning."

This stopped the brunette's nervous movements who had been walking like a caged black panther through Piper's open bedroom. With her back still to Piper, she replied, "Mobile, glasses, jeans, jacket, underwear," not to the other woman but herself.

She was so gone, not in her zone though and when her ears were no longer deaf to anything else, she heard Piper approaching her. And she didn't want Piper to get _any closer to her,_ so she told her, "I can't do this right now."

 _This_ , what was _this_? both women wondered. _This_ usual fighting? _This_ usual banter? _This_ usual fucking? _This_ that was driving the one into the other's arms? They had just been fooling around, fighting and fucking, no talking and no feeling involved as if those two things were excluding the other two. They couldn't coexist. The more Piper would talk to Alex, she'd feel things she thought she wasn't capable of, things she thought had been dead ever since they day she had been born.

"What the fuck are you talking about, Alex?!"

"Stop saying my name like this," the dark-haired woman muttered, not audible for the other woman who instantly asked, "What? I don't understand a word you're saying… I actually don't understand anything."

Piper was still talking to Alex's back as the other woman couldn't look at her. As much as Alex has been driving her crazy ever since they had met, Piper was sure she'd become a maniac any second, although Alex was obviously the crazier one right now. The emerald-eyed woman averted Piper's gaze, Piper's question, Piper's presence. So the blonde answered her own questions herself.

"You really are a fucking junkie, aren't you? You must use, there's no other way."

Piper never made a secret of the fact that Alex's drug abuse or drugs in general were a thorn in her flesh. The brunette was aware of it and used it to do what she was a pro at- _pushing people away_.

"Yes, I thought you'd know that by now, kid."

Without turning around, without one short glance over her shoulder, Alex quickly made her way to Piper's bathroom to put her clothes on, leaving a dumbfounded Piper behind. After a couple of breaths she slowly had taken to calm her self down, the black-haired woman returned and saw that the bedroom was empty. As she could directly look from the floor downstairs, Alex spotted the other woman who was wearing a robe now. Piper was leaning against the dining table, staring through the windows. The heavy rain outside even increased the melancholy state they were in. The jet-haired woman actually had intended to just walk through Piper's door, leaving her and leaving the good in her life and to go back to black. Yet, seeing the blonde like this made her change her mind and she decided that she owed her a some sort of explanation. She put the sheet that had been wrapped around her body back on the bed and made her way downstairs, shooting a glance at the front door that was definitely the easier way out, the way Alex had always taken. Nevertheless, she made an exception (again) and turned to Piper. As if there was a wall between them, Alex stopped at a point to keep a firm distance between them and this time, Alex was the one talking to a back.

"I'm leaving," she stated and although she knew it was a stupid start, she said it nonetheless as she didn't know how to begin.

Alex didn't even know why she informed Piper that she was about to go. It was like she was checking out of a hotel, a hotel that was at night their paradise and by day their war zone. And the silence that remained was more painful than any weapon.

Even though she couldn't see her, Alex shook her head nonetheless as she was fed up with Piper's stubbornness. Neither of them wanted to give in, continuing their blame game. Piper was the one who exposed more than her body to Alex. It was her fault that the dark-haired woman was so eager to disappear. But at the same time, Alex let Piper use her, Alex let Piper in her home, Alex let Piper touch her skin and her heart. Maybe Piper wasn't the only one to blame…

"Would you at least look at me when I'm talking to you?"

"Now you wanna talk?" Piper noticed, reminding the other woman of her own rule. No talking.

Alex sighed, finding the truth in the blonde's words and took a few steps forward but made sure not to get too close. Honestly, the jet-haired woman really didn't know what Piper's problem was. They had met at night, they had had sex and unluckily, Alex had _forgotten_ to leave before the sun was up. And now as she was about to leave, she still couldn't make anything right. The rain drops that violently hit the windows of Piper's apartment were perfectly illustrating the way Alex's words seemed to collide with Piper's shield and failed to reach her. And apparently there were a thousand unspoken words in the air, clouding the battlefield they were on. Both of them had loaded guns and it was just a matter of time until one of them would pull the trigger first.

"Use the backdoor," Piper shot.

Although Alex heard the other woman clearly, her words were too pointless for the dark-haired woman to understand. Piper didn't want Alex to be seen walking out of the building of her apartment, that was nothing new. Piper could be a horse's ass, that was nothing new as well.

Yet, Alex was really trying to approach her, to meet her halfway, to somehow communicate with her. Although she had never done something like that, she hadn't expected it to be this hard. Especially as she didn't know what she did wrong. She could as well be slamming her head against a wall.

"I will after you tell me what's wrong," Alex surprisingly calm answered, her bullet remaining in her weapon and she added, "what _I did wrong again_."

Her green eyes were still boring holes through the back of Piper's head. At some point, when the weak summer sun would beam through the waves of the dark clouds whose drops were falling like a waterfall on the world, the jet-haired woman would see the reflection of Piper's face in the window. The expression on her beautiful face was as blank as their 'conversation' seemed to be.

"You're right, you're always doing everything wrong."

When these words left Piper's mouth and another bullet left the stock of her gun, it hit Alex and luckily, she didn't feel anything. Her body was too focused to call for help. But the reason weren't Piper's harsh words. It needed another rush.

If they spoke another language, they would understand as much as they did now. Because they didn't understand the other at all. Piper would say one thing and Alex would say another thing. And none of their words fitted. It was kind of ironic how they were better at understanding each other without a word, how they knew what the other wanted without asking, how they found something in the other they weren't looking for. They were a match made in hell. It was like they had once volunteered to sell their souls and now, as they found each other, they found their souls in each other as well, only to be reminded that they had made a deal with the devil. They saw what they could be, could have been if they hadn't been too shallow to throw that away. It was like they were destined to be together, only to rip each other apart. Because at the end of the day, they were soulless soulmates, not capable of enjoying the solace they found in each other, heartless lovers, not capable of loving the other with more than just burning kisses and bruising touches. The hate they had for each other was the love they could feel for each other if they hadn't sold it once.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm a piece of shit. I get it. Seriously though, what did you expect from me?" Alex asked her and, even though she still hasn't pulled the trigger, this question hit the other woman.

As Alex actually agreed with Piper, the blonde eventually looked over her shoulder. Her gaze landed on the floor though, staring through the bright tiles. _What did you expect from me,_ was wandering through her mind. Alex's question made her shield crack and she realised that she wasn't totally bulletproof. Because, although she wouldn't admit it, she really expected something from the jet-haired woman. But like Alex, she didn't know what but she did know that she did expect at least something from her. It was no longer a secret to them that the attraction between them could turn into deep affection. Yet, neither seemed to be willing to take the leap. Damn, they couldn't even take a step towards each other without wanting to rip the other's head off or their clothes. _So seriously Piper, what did you expect?_

She didn't know how to respond to this question as she herself didn't even know the answer. So she did what she always did when she didn't know to handle a situation: escape.

When she eventually turned around, Alex actually thought that she had finally reached her and that they could move past this immature bullshit and actually act their age. The blonde approached her, making Alex feel like a deer that was being followed by a lioness. Their eyes haven't met yet and they obviously didn't need to as the tension in the room was harder than the rainy storm outside.

"Just do what you can do best, Alex. Fuck off. Go."

The brunette received an answer but it didn't give her any sort of understanding or explanation. Instead, she was even more clueless. But now she wondered, what did she expect? They weren't capable of talking. They were so explosive, Piper was a volcano and Alex a tornado and now they saw what would happen if these two catastrophes met.

When the blonde volcano walked past Alex without even one small glance, it took every part of Alex's coolness and coldness not to grab Piper's wrist and to slam her against the wall. Not because she wanted to hurt her though. She would and could never do that. As much as Piper might even provoke her to, the MMA fighter would never lay her hands on her like this. Her fists and knuckles had made Alex to a champion but her palms and fingers didn't know what violence was. It was just the fact that, the more Piper hated her, the more Alex loved it. And as masochistic as she was, she was still proud.

"What the fuck, Piper?! You don't get to do that. First you wanna talk and now you just run away."

But her words seemed to fade, turning silent, finding no ears to reach. Piper kept walking towards the stairs whilst the other woman was standing in the middle of the huge room of the blonde's apartment. In conclusion, Piper actually hadn't given Alex another choice. So the dark-haired woman pulled the trigger and with one attempt and one bullet landed a heart-shot.

"You know what? You don't even need to tell me to go because that's what everyone wants to do when they are around you. No wonder you're all alone…. That's the difference between us. I'm alone because _I want to be alone_ , that's why _I push people away_. But you, you're alone not because you choose to be but because _you have to be_. You can't even push people away because they'll already leave. I'm a piece of shit but you're… you are hypocrite, blaming others for your own mistakes."

Before her green eyes could've even followed, Piper was already close to her, no longer trying to escape the other woman. Her movements were faster than her senses could work and the first thing Alex realised were the blonde's palms pushing her further into the room. The second thing she could take in was Piper's voice saying, "Fuck you, Alex." And the third thing the dark-haired woman felt was how her back got slammed against the front door by the model's hands. A sharp breath escaped her throat when her body collided with the hard wood and when she heard another, "Fuck you," Alex knew that her own words had been the venom that had turned Piper into this beautiful monster.

Usually, Alex would punch everyone directly into their face if they attacked her. She was trained to turn her hands instantly into fists as soon as someone would lay only a finger on her. But when Piper had pushed her through the room and eventually against the door, her hands remained calm. They didn't tense, they didn't move, they were stiff, they were only hands. When she looked up, again being surprised by Piper's bad temper, it was like she had been taken back to the time when they had gotten stuck in the elevator. Alex was against a wall, Piper left her no space to escape, being trapped between her slender arms and a cold wall. Alex had always thought that she had had a bad temper but that had been before she had met Piper. Although the model had the face of an angel, she was both impulsive and explosive. And before Piper had met Alex, she had neither been impulsive nor explosive. The dark-haired woman has changed her, turned her into this loose cannon.

The look on the model's face was empty whilst there was a storm in her blue irises. The volcano had just exploded and Alex's words had been the small stone that had been thrown into the sea of fire to make it burst. And although Alex was too proud to let someone treat her like this, although she liked it when Piper was rough and not gentle at all, although she was way stronger than the other woman, she did nothing. And her silence was harder than violence when the MMA fighter had simply intensified her stare before she smirked very lightly that Piper couldn't even tell if it was the hint of a grin and turned around to open the door. She did what the blonde had said Alex could 'do best' and left without knowing what was bothering Piper, why she suddenly acted so weird. It really was a mystery to her. This time, she truly had no clue what she had done wrong.

 _Whose fault?_  
 _Let's play the blame game,_  
 _I hate you, more_  
 _Let's play the blame game,_  
 _for sure_  
 _Let's call out names, names,_  
 _I hate you, more_  
 _Let's call out names, names,_  
 _for sure_  
 _But I love to play the blame game_  
 _Now who to blame? You to blame? Me to blame?_  
 _For the pain and it poured every time when it rained_  
 _Let's play the blame game_

* * *

"I'm glad you actually found some time to visit your _only mother_."

There was this sarcasm in her voice that Alex had learned from her. Diane was no fool. She knew that her daughter was in some way 'unemployed' at the moment as it's been on the news ever since that day that the female MMA champion was losing. Losing her trainer, losing her team, losing her consciousness regularly, losing touch, losing her name, losing everything she has been building herself for the last years. Her daughter's face was paler than the coke that was ruining her and her eyes bloodstained, diminishing the shining of the green in them, diminishing hope. What was Diane supposed to do? Alex was her everything, she had done and would always do everything for her, she only wanted the best for her only child. Nevertheless, she couldn't send Alex to rehab. Not because she'd fear that Alex would hate her because both knew she could never do that. It just wasn't the right time. If Alex went to rehab now, it wouldn't help her. As soon as she would leave the hospital, she would backslide immediately. Alex really was a lost cause. Only time could tell when she would realise that she was losing control.

Her mother didn't need to explain to Alex that her comment was full of irony. Alex was having so much time at the moment and yet, she chose to smoke one blunt after another and inhale white lines like oxygen. And what she didn't choose to do was thinking about Piper. It's been a couple of days after they had again realised that they weren't able to talk with each other and neither has seen the other ever since. At least not in person. The latest thing Alex heard from the other woman was that she was in Europe again for some fashion shows and photoshoots, model stuff. And that she had a 'boyfriend'. Whilst everyone actually fell for this lie, Alex knew better. Alex knew Piper. It wasn't hard for the brunette to figure out that this boyfriend was only some PR shit that was meant to clean the blonde's image. Especially because this boyfriend was this sort of pretty-face-prince-charming type of guy every parent would want their daughters to marry. He was some model that worked for the same agency and was well known to donate much money to nearly every foundation. It was actually ridiculous. After there had been a few headlines about the blonde model that hadn't been near as bad as Alex's best ones, Piper punished herself the most by fooling everyone else and herself. But why would Alex care? It was Piper's own fault. And Piper was simply maddening. Although these two women were so alike, they couldn't understand each other. Alex could swear, if she met Piper one more time and she'd behave like the last time she had, the brunette would lose her mind. Well, in some twisted, fucked up way, Alex did understand Piper. And Piper did understand Alex. But only as long as neither would say a word. If words got in the way of their connection, they would cut like a knife right through the thin bond. And it was driving the both of them crazy.

Instead of saying something in response, Alex only nodded her head. The two women were in her mother's house that was far away from the spotlight and cockroaches. It had been the very first thing Alex had bought her mother when she had gotten her first paycheck as a professional fighter. It was a mansion that was definitely too huge for only her mother. But Alex had insisted to buy it. She had thought that the bigger the house would be, the more she could show how grateful she was for everything her mother had done for her. And it was in a quiet suburb where nothing and nobody could bother her mother. There was a lake in the garden and it was basically idyllic. Buying this house had been the least Alex could've done for her. And although there was nothing she wouldn't do for her, Alex couldn't stop using if Diane told her to. Both of them knew that.

Staring into the lake as they were sitting outside on the terrace in the setting sun, Alex was drowning in the ocean of her own thoughts until her mother pulled her to the surface again.

"Baby girl, you look like shit."

Her eyes that were so pale that they looked ice-blue blinked a few times before they moved from the lake to her mother's face. Although Alex was already hard to read, her mother was a mystery in comparison to her. You could never know what was actually going on inside of her head. Diane's pokerface was another thing Alex had gotten from her.

When Alex looked at her mother, she was struggling to find out if the other woman was upset, concerned, angry, sad or not serious at all. The gaze of Diane's bright blue eyes was giving Alex the feeling she had had when she had been a little girl and had forgotten to take out the trash. Of course it didn't go unnoticed by her mother who was the one Alex could hide nothing from.

"Very charming," Alex responded and attempted to cover the fact that she was nervous.

But it would take much more than a snarky comment to fool her mother who said with a small grin playing on her lips, "Your dad always bottled up his emotions, too. But you're not as good as he was."

It wasn't rare for Alex to hear her mother talking about her father that had abandoned Diane when he had found out that she had been pregnant. He was some rockstar and although Alex never met him, the things Diane would tell her daughter about him were creating a picture of him inside of her head. Even though she had been having a hard time as a girl as she had seen every other kid growing up in a 'normal' family with both parents, Alex had at some point given up to be bitter. Her mother had told her that they had been young and that her father had been on his way to become the rockstar he was today. He had had to choose: family or career. The latter had won and Alex had lost her father. It had been hard, not only for Alex but for her mother as well who had been working so much to keep the lights on and a roof above them. Alex had been born into a life that has been hard from the very beginning. For a very long time, her father had been a selfish asshole in her eyes that had left a young woman for his career. He hasn't even called them once ever since he has been successful and famous. He had gotten everything he had wanted whilst Alex's mother had been left behind and had had nothing. Only Alex. And her daughter has always been enough for Diane. Her father might have gotten famous and might have made tons of money. Yet, he would never be as rich as Alex's mother. So her selfish-asshole father turned into a miserable, poor man. And the voice inside of her that has been telling her that it had been her fault that her father had left her mother was slowly getting quieter.

Again, Alex responded with silence, just shaking her head and looking at her hands that were resting on the wood-table. She didn't want to be compared to her father and yet, she knew that it was her own fault if somebody did. Just like her dad, Alex had everything. She was famous, rich, successful, living like a rockstar. And just like her dad, she was miserable and only her drugs could make her forget about it, especially Piper. But fuck Piper, she eventually decided after she had actually fucked her. The golden-haired woman was too annoying and too complicated for Alex. And as much as Alex liked to fool around with her, she wasn't a fool who would accept Piper's flaws. At least that was what she believed.

"I can see you thinking, Alex," her mother eventually informed her and made her look at the other woman that was sitting across from her. "What are you thinking about?"

There was a short moment of silence as the dark-haired woman needed some time to clear her mind and to figure out what she was supposed to tell her mother.

 _Well, you know, there's this girl I've been fucking around with for a while but we're too fucked up to actually have a normal conversation with each other and the only thing we have in common is the fact that we both hate each other and she always gets mad at me for no reason and I don't understand her at all and because she's so addictive I try to numb my addiction with my other addiction and I'm just a massive junkie and I always fuck everything up and Piper, her name is Piper, is a little bit fucked up, not as much as me but that's why we're actually perfect for each other but every time we're together, we fuck and fight and it's always an ecstasy. So, to sum up, I'm just a fucking junkie that falls for every beautiful drug. Oh and then there's Red who kicked me out and I can't even blame her for it because she wants to help me but I'm too stupid to let her so I guess I kinda fucked up my career and, yeah, my life, too._

The answer her mother heard was, "I just miss… the fighting, you know? I mean, the real fighting, the tournaments and everything."

And it was true, she really did miss all of it. But it was the wrong answer to her mother's question.

Diane eyed her suspiciously, telling her with her gaze that she wasn't falling for this lie and yet, with an even more mischievous smirk than Alex's, she told her, "For someone who hasn't been fighting for some time you look very… bruised."

It was only a matter of time until Diane would stop tip toeing around the topic and cut to the chase. She pointed at the elephant in the room when she stated, "I guess I don't need to say that I'm talking about the drugs."

There it was, the reason every person, regardless if they did or didn't know Alex, picked at her. That was why she remained quiet, saying nothing and not shifting her position. What was she supposed to do? They were all right. Her drug abuse was always a frenzy. Heroin and coke were her water and bread. And Piper was her oxygen because of all the things a human being needed in life, the blonde was the thing she needed the most. Without her, she wouldn't survive although Piper was killing her, too. She was confusing her, driving her insane, pushing her to the limits, crossing borders Alex had no one else ever let pass and on top of all, intoxicating. Whilst Alex was high off Piper's hate, the other woman seemed to be drunk on Alex's love.

Because when Diane was waiting for her daughter to speak up, her phone vibrated and at first, Alex ignored it. But it didn't stop to move inside the pocket of her jacket and as Alex wasn't into any of this social media and texting stuff which was also the reason she had no account on any social media platforms, she pulled her phone out to mute it. When she finally did and was about to shove it back into her pocket without having read who was bothering her, the screen lit up another time and won Alex's attention when she looked at it properly to make sure that she read correctly.

 _Piper: I hopee the hoe neXt to u know S that u R emoti0nally unavaible_

 _Piper: unavailable*_

 _Piper: and that u love to fukc everything uP_

 _Piper: and if your fukin her just fucK her like she aint me_

 _Piper: she don't even kno how to touch U_

 _Piper: but I guesssss as long as some one keepss your bed warm you don't care_

 _Piper: Alexxxxxx_

 _Piper: You kno I m right_

 _Piper: your high right ?_

 _Piper: i Bet yo u dont even knoW her name_

 _Piper: I m done wit u_

 _Piper: just know that all those hoes got nothing on mE_

 _Piper: If you're reading this, I don't miss you_

Alex was reading these drunk texts all over again before she couldn't comprehend what was going on. It was easy for her to realise that Piper might be at some fancy club with her model colleagues, drinking and partying. Those letters were literally screaming that the blonde was very drunk. She pulled her brows together as if she was struggling to read Piper's texts although she has read them now multiple times. Again, Piper was making it hard for the brunette to understand her, her incorrect writing the perfect representation of it. It was a mixture of words, thrown together without any point. The model who was at the other side of the atlantic was obviously assuming that Alex was in this moment with another woman. In the last days, Alex had been seen leaving public places with other women. Piper might have seen those pictures as well. Yet, that was no reason for her to send her such messages. What was confusing her even more was Piper calling her 'emotionally unavailable'. Sure, Alex wasn't a very emotional person nor was she wearing her heart on her sleeves. Nonetheless, why did Piper seem upset about it? Again, she really wanted to know what the blonde woman was expecting from her. She eventually saw the spite in Piper's words that gave her the idea that Piper was somehow jealous? Especially when Piper texted her that she wouldn't find someone like her. Eventually, Piper's drunken words made sense but it didn't make sense for Alex why she was sending her such things. Drunk or not, there might be some deep meaning behind those words that were drowning in alcohol. The only message Alex actually understood was the last one 'If you're reading this, I don't miss you'. It was also the only one that was written without any mistakes. However, something was telling the brunette that Piper totally meant the opposite. Wasn't it a well known fact that when you were apart from another person and thought about them that it was a sign that you missed them? Because Alex was obviously on Piper's mind. If Alex wasn't too proud, she'd call the golden-haired woman right now.

The realisation that she couldn't and had to act like she hadn't read Piper's texts brought her back to the table she was sitting at with her mother whose gaze she eventually met when she put her phone back into her pocket. Alex was so gone in her thoughts that she actually believed that her mother has been waiting for her to answer for an eternity. Again, she didn't see which thoughts were wandering behind her mother's pokerface.

"Sorry," Alex mumbled and inhaled deeply, more than eager to talk about anything but drugs.

But of course Diane wasn't willing to drop it.

"Who was that?"

"Doesn't matter… do you want some coffee?" her daughter answered and was about to stand up to brew some coffee to escape the investigation that was about to come.

"Alex."

Her mother just had to say her name in the right way and the brunette stopped her attempt and sat down again. The seriousness in her mother's voice was trapping Alex and binding her to the table.

"I really don't know what to do, you know?" Diane eventually began after a sigh and added, "you're sitting across from me and yet… it's like you're not here. I see you but you're so far away. You're so gone. In every way."

Alex didn't even try to act innocent and to ask her mother what she was talking about. She understood every single word. Everything was very clear, unlike every word that she and Piper have exchanged.

"Tell me, how… how can I reach you? I really don't know, although I should… I am your mother."

Finally, the pokerface disappeared and Alex saw how defeat and exhaustion were clouding the light in her mother's azure eyes. And the guilt was rushing through her blood faster than heroin. Her mother was another person Alex let down. Even though her mother would never admit it, Alex disappointed her. It hit her so hard, the pain was coming over her like a waterfall and the brunette's reflex was to numb it. With blunts and pills, the things that were the reason Alex fucked up and would again if she didn't stop turning to them. It was a vicious cycle. Her mother's sad eyes made Alex wish, really wish that she could break out of it. She actually wanted to but, she couldn't. As her mother said, she was so far away. She was so gone. In every way.

"Mum, I'm fine, really."

 _No, she wasn't. Every one could tell that she wasn't so why was she still trying to convince everyone of it, of a lie she herself didn't even believe?_

"Everything's okay," was more like _'I can control it. I'm not addicted. I could quit every time if I wanted to. No big deal'_ although the drugs have become more than essential for her.

"Trust me, there's no need to worry about me."

 _Well, there was no need to translate this lie._

"Alex-"

"I'm sorry, I, I, I have to go."

The guilt was taking her over, the lies were itching under her skin, the ache was rushing through her whole being. Alex had to turn it off. She couldn't look her mother in the eye. If she did, she'd see the reflection of a person that failed their own mother. A person that had no face. A person that had no name. A person that was no good. Right in this moment, she wished she actually was nobody. She rather wanted to be nobody than someone who was shooting around with a loaded gun and was destroying everything around them. So she got up before her mother could stop her and ran, running even farther away from everything and everyone.

 _Mama called me destructive,_  
 _Said it'd ruin me one day,_  
 _'Cause I'm a prisoner to my addiction_  
 _I'm addicted to a life_  
 _That's so empty and so cold_  
 _I'm a prisoner to my decisions_

* * *

Ever since the dark-haired woman had met her mother and had received those messages from Piper, she has increased the level of ecstasy in her life. Every night would end equally. She would go out with those friends that only were friends with her because she could give them something, in her case drugs and her fame. Those friends who only knew you because everyone knew you. They would go to clubs and bars until Alex would leave them for that kind of girl that was into her drugs and her fame, that kind of girl that liked hooking up with a famous person, that kind of girl that liked getting high for free. Alex wasn't stupid. She knew that all those people would only stick with her as long as she could provide for them. But she was too frozen to care, too high to think about it. Her only intention was to lose her memory and to forget and escape. So her life has become even emptier and was just a continuos loop, repeating every day Alex was living.

It was another one of those nights Alex was getting herself ready to spend it with her fake friends. The night would pass off differently though because before Alex would step out of her building, she got a text. She opened it and it was just an address they were supposed to meet at. Then she read that one of those false friend's friend was throwing a birthday party at this place. Alex didn't care. As long as she would be able to shut down her memory and mind, she would be fine.

Her driver took her to the place and already in the car, Alex took a deep breath through her nose and felt the light tickling in her nose when the cocaine rushed through it and right into her system. On their way to the place they stopped to pick some of those friends up and when they finally arrived, her mind already began to fade to black because of Alex's coke and Hennessy cocktail. She was really only living for the moment. She had no purpose, no reason to get up in the morning, nothing in her life that made it worth living. Why should she be careful? The car came to a halt and the mood inside of it was already cheerful, everyone loving the things Alex could offer those cockroaches that were feeding on her. Especially this girl with short blonde hair that has been by Alex's side ever since she had gotten into the car. The door flew open and Alex's vision was already blurred. For a moment, she thought that she had forgotten her glasses but when she reached for the bridge of her white nose, she realised that it only were the drugs and the alcohol. All Alex could make out were the lines of the building that might be a mansion. Loud music was reaching her nearly deaf ears and she got dragged towards the huge house.

They were eventually in without Alex really acknowledging anything and they instantly stepped up to the bar. If Alex woke up with any memories from this night, she would remember that this place was actually a palace. Fancy chandeliers adorned the ceiling, large paintings were hanging on the walls and the royal decorations were giving the guest the feeling of being a king. But Alex was too far in her zone to care about any of it and her blonde-haired lapdog handed her a cup. Without knowing what was in it, the dark-haired woman downed the drink, adding more ingredients to her cocktail. There were tons of faces in the palace, faces of people Alex didn't know. And all those faces had the body of a model. Not even one of them could be called 'out of shape'. They were wearing expensive summer dresses and swish suits with bow ties. For less than a second, Alex actually wondered where the hell she was. Those guests didn't seem to be the type that took drugs. They looked like the type of people that only sucked thousand-dollar champagne and ate caviar and wore stuff like crocodile leather. If you were addicted enough, you'd always find a way to afford drugs. Everyone could be a junkie. But not everyone could afford expensive clothes and desserts that were worth the loan of an usual middle-class worker.

Dropping her thoughts, Alex shrugged her shoulders and found herself pulled towards the great hall and eventually outside where even more model people were. They were standing on the giant wooden terrace, looking at the pool in the middle of the garden that seemed to be a whole forest. Whoever owned this house was obviously swimming in money. Yet, Alex didn't bother to know who was living in this palace and felt how her body was finally beginning to turn numb.

Some people were talking to her, she saw how their lips moved but she didn't hear them. All she could take in was how every tensed up bone inside of her body was getting loose. Her pale eyes were flickering from model face to model face and in her ecstasy, they all looked the same. Absolutely dazed, she was standing in her drugged haze and was finally only existing. In her state, she didn't notice that the birthday child came over to her and her fake friends to greet them. And if her eyes hadn't been too glassy, she would've recognized the face faster than she was going to.

Her feet seemed to carry her further into the forest as she realised that they were moving. Or was she still fixed on her place and everything else was just moving? Who cares, Alex finished her own investigation and eventually got a small glimpse of the real world again when one of those fake girls whispered into her ear, "I want more, Alex."

Without any muscles moving in her face, the dark-haired woman turned to her and slightly nodded. A smile appeared on the other woman's face who pushed Alex back into the building and was leading her through it as if she knew this place inside out. They somehow ended in the floor where the bathroom was and if Alex hadn't been too gone, she would've heard how her female company greeted someone whose company Alex had been keeping occasionally.

Inside of the bathroom, the dark-haired woman gave the other what she wanted and even got something back in return when she felt a hand crawling up her bare thigh underneath her skirt. It was good enough for Alex to actually get off and then she returned the favor like a pro. She knew what she was doing, no matter which state she would be in. The short-haired woman was crying out whilst Alex's digits were buried inside of her and when she reached her climax, Alex didn't hesitate to remove her hand. It was almost violent how quick she drew it back but she couldn't care less about the other woman.

Alex was done with her and she obviously let the other woman know that when the dark-haired woman opened the bathroom door although the other girl was still coming down from her sexual release.  
Without any direction in her head, Alex somehow made her way through the mansion and actually believed at some point to be in a labyrinth. She tried to make out where the music and voices were coming from and opened every door. Every room wasn't the right room though and before she thought that she got lost, it was the sound of a voice that was the bond that was pulling her back and leading her out of her labyrinth. She followed it, basically because she didn't trust her ears. _What are the odds that…_

"I told you, I don't want to drink."

"Just one glass."

"No, Tyler."

"It's my birthday, you can't say no."

"I can."

"Fuck, you're such a party killer. Why the fuck are you acting so… stupid? Where is the fun, sexy, hot girl that I like the most when she's drunk?"

"You're drunk, Tyler. You don't know what you're saying."

 _A scoff._

"Who do you think you're talking to, huh? I'm the reason nobody in the press is calling you a slut no more after you had to…experiment your sexuality. You better watch out what you're saying."

"Tyler, please. That's not you."

 _The sound of glass shattering into a thousand pieces._

"Let go of me, you're hurting me."

"You better listen now because if you make me repeat my words I won't be so gentle. Shut your fucking mouth and stop fucking whining and if you say one more time that you won't drink tonight and ruin my birthday party I will ruin your beautiful face. And then your career will really be over."

 _A sharp breath and the sound of something hitting the wall._

"She said no," a third voice suddenly said.

And then Alex saw her. After weeks and only some drunken messages, Alex saw her. She saw how Piper was being pushed against the tiles of the wall, how two strong arms were pinning her wrists with such a tight grip next to her head that they were white, how her azure eyes found Alex's emerald ones.

If the guy who was violently keeping Piper from leaving didn't speak up, Alex would have sunk in the ocean of them again.

"And you are?"

The tone in his voice was simply sickening. Alex dropped her stare and settled her eyes on the person that she finally recognized. Slowly, everything began to make sense. That guy was Piper's fake boyfriend aka Prince Charming aka The-Next-Person-Whose-Nose-Alex-Was-Going-To-Break. It was no longer a mystery why every guest at this party looked like a model as they all were models. And this little piece of shit was the person whose birthday they were celebrating. _Alex would definitely give him a wonderful present._

"Doesn't matter. Let her go," Alex told him and returned his stare.

She was still very, very high but when she heard and saw in which situation Piper was in, it was like some primary instinct inside of her got switched on and turned Alex's jag off, like in those moments in which it would be about life and death and you would get some superpowers by an adrenaline kick. This Tyler motherfucker officially signed his own death warrant when he gave Alex this model smile and loosened his grip on Piper, only to push her towards Alex and into the splinters of the glass. Alex caught her though and although she still didn't have too much control over her body, she walked up to him and surprised him with her gift.

Her fist collided with his cheek, making him stumble backwards. He didn't hesitate to punch back and although Alex didn't feel the pain tonight, she would definitely feel it in the morning. The taste of iron was filling her mouth and the brunette realised that whatever part he had hit was bleeding. Nevertheless, the cocktail inside of her system shut every nerve inside of her body down a fight erupted between the two of them. If Piper hadn't gotten in the way, Alex would have probably killed him. Some people might have heard them as some guests were standing in the hall of the empty saloon room that had shortly been a boxing ring. They were pulling the two fighters apart who obviously haven't been finished with each other yet. The two of them were yelling hateful things at each other and Alex's voice only turned silent when two soft hands rested on her shoulders and when the voice the brunette would forever recognize said her name.

Alex met Piper's gaze and she felt how the blonde's hands were wandering from her shoulders to her neck, making her muscles losing tension under the light touch. As she was still in her blurry state, all Alex could make out were Piper's touches and some of her words like "go home", "blood", "calm down".

 _And she willingly let herself being dragged out of the ring, out of the palace and into her shelter that was Piper._

* * *

Piper's driver took them to the model's place and everything was so familiar again. They were on their way to the blonde's place, Alex being one hell of a mess and it was night, the only time they would be together. And the only witness of the thing that was going on between the two of them was the moon.

After a silent ride they arrived at the model's place and were eventually in her living room. Piper turned some lights on whilst the other woman was sitting on the huge leather couch, some blood still dripping over the skin of her face. She wasn't sober yet but neither was she stoned. She was coming down and calmed down when she let herself fall against the pillows of the couch and leaned back. Her eyes fell shut and opened only when Piper returned with a towel in one hand and an icepack in her other. She sat down on the couch next to her and without asking or saying any word took Alex's glasses off and put them on the coffee table. As her body was no longer numbed by drugs, the pain suddenly shot through the brunette's body. If she hadn't been a professional fighter and hadn't been used to the pain, she would definitely wish she would die. Every bone and every muscle was burning.

The burning cooled down slightly when Piper not so carefully pressed the cold wet towel against Alex's left cheek. She flinched but didn't pull back when the other woman pressed the towel further against the skin under her eye.

Silence was still surrounding them and neither dared to look at the other. It was like Piper's absence and her drunken messages and Alex's behaviour from the other night were drawing a line between the two of them. Finally, her green eyes flickered over Piper's eyes and it was enough for her to see the tenderness in them. And Piper looked worried. Although Alex hasn't seen herself yet, she assumed that her face was pretty messed up. Or maybe it wasn't too bad and Piper just wasn't used to see injuries from a fight.

When she heard Piper actually hiss whilst she was cleaning Alex's wounds, the brunette chuckled softly before it hurt too much and broke the silence.

"You should see the other guy."

If her eyes weren't fooling her, she saw a small smile ghosting over Piper's lips. Again, their bodies and faces were so close and yet, they seemed to be an ocean apart. But Piper seemed to be willing to cross it.

"I did."

Her hand stopped moving and their eyes locked. the blue welcoming the green. When Piper smiled ever so lightly at the brunette, she couldn't believe her eyes. Not only because it was one of the most beautiful things she had ever seen but because every time Piper would look at her, she would see hunger, lust, hate, desperation, affection but never a smile.  
As if Piper had read her thoughts, her smile dropped and so did her eyes before she returned her focus on the dark-haired woman's face again to fix it. Although she was only pressing a cold towel against her skin, Piper took a small part of Alex's pain away with every touch.

"Can I ask you something?" the brunette suddenly asked and felt how the other woman stopped what she was doing for a second.

"Sure."

Swallowing, Alex needed a moment before she could speak up. Her eyes fell on Piper's face again and she saw how her nose was slightly wrinkled as she was concentrating on what she was doing.

"Why?"

"Why what?" the blonde asked, needing Alex to be more specific.

 _Why did you text me when you were drunk?_

 _Why were so upset the other day when I left?_

 _Why did you bring me here?_

There were many scenarios of what Alex was getting at but she didn't think of the one that was about to come.

"Why did you let him treat you like this?"

This scenario definitely caught the blonde off guard. Yet, she acted like it was nothing and continued her fixing.

"What do you mean?"

"Piper, he insulted you, he threw a glass at you, he laid his hands on you… He hurt you."

 _Yes, he hurt me but he could never hurt me as much as you did and would._

Her loud response was, "I'm used to it."

Now Alex was the one who was caught off guard, the blonde's answer actually making her stomach and her insides turn.

Piper felt how the other woman tensed up and when she looked at her, she saw the stoic expression on her face. So she explained, "I would never let someone abuse me, if that's what you're thinking. It's just, it's nothing new to me that someone mistreats me."

"It should be new to you. You shouldn't be used to it," Alex instantly said and made Piper look her in the eye. Her words were so serious that the blonde couldn't believe that they were coming from Alex.

It was like their roles have changed and Alex was suddenly the one who would tutor the other.

"Alex, it's nothing," Piper insisted and tried to shake it off with a laugh Alex didn't fall for.

And suddenly, everything clicked. Alex was fucked up. And so was Piper. They both were equally fucked up. At first, Alex had just thought that Piper had had some issues like every other young girl but the dark-haired woman had been wrong. Piper was as fucked up as her. And in some way, maybe even more than her.

When the model saw that Alex didn't buy her lie, Piper eventually removed her hand and handed the other woman the icepack. She put the towel next to Alex's glasses on the table and stared at the woman next to her intensely. At first, Alex didn't notice it, the pain in her body distracting her from her surroundings. Only when the icepack didn't seem to help anymore and Alex leaned further against the pillows, she looked at the golden-haired woman who was still staring. She didn't even lower her gaze when the black-haired woman caught her.

"What?" Alex eventually asked, being confused by the other woman.

"I thought I'd never see you again."

Alex really wanted to say something. Yet, she still hasn't learned how to deal with the display of emotions. There was a deeper meaning hidden behind Piper's words and the way she had said them. It reminded her of the other morning, the last time she had woken up next to Piper and had seen that every wall had been down and every mark had been off, revealing every piece of Piper. Then the realisation hit her. That was the reason Piper had been upset. Alex truly was emotionally unavailable and therefore had rejected the blonde that morning, only because the other woman had been honest about her feelings.

Finally, the black-haired woman found some words she could say and although they might not be the things Piper would want to hear, Alex had the urge to be honest, too.

"Look, Piper…" she began and shot a glance at the other who was still staring.

"You were right. I really am emotionally unavailable," she told Piper and let her know that she had read her messages.

"I was drunk, it meant no-"

Before the golden-haired woman could find a way to hide the fact that her drunken texts had been true, Alex cut her off.

"Piper, I don't want a relationship. That was what I was trying to say the other morning when I said that I couldn't do… this."

She gestured with her hands between the two of them and could tell by the look on Piper's face that she was dumbfounded. Alex just hoped that she didn't put the blonde's nose out of joint.

And she tried, she really tried, Alex could see it. And for the sake of some ceasefire, she didn't question Piper when the blonde responded, "I'm sorry but I guess you might have misinterpreted something. Alex, yes, I do like to have sex with you but to like it, I don't need to like you."

Maybe some part of the brunette also wished that Piper's words weren't true because if they were, Piper would be an even bigger mess than she was. All doubts and questions vanished though when the blonde was still staring at Alex and eventually leaned closer and when Alex saw how the other woman's hands nervously moved as she was too afraid to touch her somewhere, the emerald-eyed woman put her hands on the model's side and dragged her closer. And when their lips finally met after such a long time, the brunette's hands lowered slightly before she stood up and walked upstairs to the bedroom, carrying Piper who was no longer holding back to touch her and wrapped her arms and legs around the other woman.

Every line between them disappeared and every ocean between them dried out and every wall between them fell down, that night.

 _You got me touchin' on your body,_  
 _You got me touchin' on your body_  
 _To say that we're in love is dangerous_  
 _But girl I'm so glad we're acquainted_

 _I got you touchin' on your body_  
 _I got you touchin' on your body_  
 _I know I' d rather be complacent_  
 _But girl I'm so glad we're acquainted_


	9. A Little Death

_I've got two words for you._

 _1\. Sorry,_

 _2\. Rollercoaster_

* * *

 _Chapter 9: A Little Death  
_

Alex's name was flying through Piper's bedroom, being carried by wings that were swung by the blonde's ecstasy. Fingers that were buried deep inside her made Piper cuss and yell at the top of her lungs as the woman above her used her mouth to mark her neck. Alex was the only thing that existed in Piper's orbit as she felt herself falling apart by every kiss and every thrust. With one final moan that was wrapped up in a curse and an even louder 'Alex', the blonde's back nearly jumped up and her head that had been so tensed up eventually fell back and onto the pillow again. She felt boneless, everything inside of her only weightless mush. Her breathing was still controlled by her sweet release which Alex was aware of and waited a few more moments before she would remove her fingers. It was truly addictive how Piper was lying beneath her, lips parted, her chest rising quickly, in her full glory with her blonde long hair completely spread over her shoulders and the pillows. So vulnerable, so exposed, so uncovered, _all hers_. As the jet-haired woman was still on top of her, Piper's blue eyes eventually _let the light in_ and opened. They were still branded by her orgasm and blurred her vision slightly. Slowly, her senses, bones, organs and system began to grow together again and yet, Alex was still the only thing that she could take in. She saw how the woman above her was staring at her lips before her eyes wandered to her breasts and she nearly whimpered when Alex's fingers left her. _She wondered_ _if Alex was going to leave her, too._

As if her mouth had betrayed her and vocalised her own thoughts, the brunette rolled off of her and laid down next to her, mirroring Piper's position who was lying on her back. _What now?_ The question was knocking on the door of their fighting-and-fucking possessed world like an annoying neighbour that would ask if he could borrow your newspaper because he didn't get his own the other morning. The only difference was that Piper was really eager to know the answer. So she looked at Alex, looked at her because she looked for an answer. Her blue eyes fell on the pale skin of the other woman's cheek that was illuminated by the moon shine, drawing the lines of her strong cheekbones and highlighting the bruises that were about to adorn her face. As stoic as Alex seemed to look, Piper could tell that her body was tensed up. Her jaw was clenching, her lips were pressed together and her eyes haven't blinked yet. It was like she wanted to speak up, the words fighting against her own jawbone and her mouth that was the gate to the outside whilst her eyes were focusing so hard on something unimportant, distracting Alex from everything else. Piper knew that Alex knew that she was looking at her. Her stare was too hard to be unnoticed. Yet, it was like the redundant spot in the sky Alex's eyes were gazing at was sucking her in and dragging her away. Piper had to find a way to suck her into the sky of her own eyes. Still, she didn't know which path she should take as every way seemed to be a dark never-ending tunnel or a thread-thin bridge. Alex might not be hiding her true self, she might not be hiding the fact that she was a jerk but she was definitely hiding something behind her pokerface. Piper hasn't figured out yet if the brunette did have feelings and in case she did, if they were covered by her pokerface. Or if Alex actually didn't have a pokerface and didn't hide anything, her exterior simply being as empty as her interior. _A cold vacuum wrapped up in an even colder vacuum._

But Alex was so much more than a lifeless shell. Although she'd never admit it, her kisses and touches were gentle even if they were rough. Every time they went to bed together, they actually were together, escaping into their sex-controlled zone, together. And every time they entered their own Shangri-La that they had built with moans, lips, hands, hate and curses, they were the only existent things in it. No drugs, no assholeness, no shallowness, no problems, no insecurities, no fears. Only Alex and Piper as if it had always only been Alex and Piper. And the dark-haired woman never missed the chance to make Piper feel like the only person in the whole world. As hateful as the words Alex's mouth uttered were and could be, the kisses she was giving with the same mouth were even more loving. As dangerous as her hands were, its touches on Piper's body had a healing effect. _Damn,_ she eventually realised.

 _They were destined to embrace their madness. They were Bonnie and Clyde, the only difference was that they were terrorising each other. They were the perfect portrayal of madness, the Mona Lisa of ecstasy, a perfectly fucked up masterpiece. And only Alex's drive for self-destruction and Piper's adaption to a shallow world were the colours for this invaluable and unique painting. They were each other's sickening diseases and each other's only cures at the same time. Absolutely toxic. And inevitable._

"What are you thinking about?"

The question that was spoken in this raspy voice dragged the blonde out of her discovery. Her blue eyes fell on the woman next to her and unlike a few moments ago, she wouldn't be looking at Alex's profile. The jet-haired woman was returning her gaze and Piper realised that she had been too caught up in her thoughts to notice when Alex might have stopped distracting herself from the _inevitable._

It was nearly frightening how much they've talked with each other. Especially as their conversation hadn't erupted in a fight that would have led them to have sex. It had solely been their conversation that had led them to have sex. And now Alex was looking at her, in the light moon shine the hint of concern visible in the emerald of her eyes that has replaced the cold ice-blue, and her question was still lingering in the walls of Piper's bedroom, just like Alex's name. Maybe Alex did have a pokerface, and maybe Alex did hide her feelings behind it, and maybe Alex's pokerface was gone in this very moment.

Whilst Piper's eyes would jump between the brunette's affectionate eyes and her full lips as if she was deciding how to respond to the other woman's question, with honest words or a hot kiss, the green remained on the blonde's ocean-blue, already knowing which kind of answer she was looking for.

Although they settled on Alex's lips, she neither got a devouring kiss nor an honest answer.

"Nothing."

Alex knew that it was a lie, she knew that something was on the other woman's mind, she knew that there was so much more. It was paradox. They lived every dirty habit, every physical pleasure and every hurtful moment in an ecstasy. Addiction, sex, hate. All these three things would reach a climax. Yet, when it came to honesty, feelings and realness, they reduced all of these things onto the lowest minimum. It was like they didn't want the good in life or that they thought they didn't deserve the good in life. Neither of them knew if they attracted the bad things in life or, if the bad things in life attracted them. Maybe they were living the good things in life in an ecstasy as well, only in a negative way.

Was she in the position to question Piper's answer? Alex has always been someone who spoke her mind. She never hesitated to put her thoughts, both good and bad, into sentences for others to hear. Still, could she accuse Piper? Could she say that she knew that she was lying? Piper's temper was way worse than hers and if Alex weren't careful, Piper would probably chase the brunette off as if she were a strayer. The heavy burden of her thoughts were still visible in her blue eyes and Alex actually wanted to release her, to take the weight off of her. Neither of them were much of a talker and they both knew that they had talked dangerously much in this young night. They also knew that every word that fell from their mouths would increase the risk of a curse-words-filled fight.

Maybe, maybe Piper just needed someone who would hold her, someone who would kiss her, someone who would adore her, someone who would treat her right. And although Alex knew that she couldn't be this someone whilst she didn't know at the same that she actually has been this someone for Piper ever since they had met, she did something that she has learned from the other woman. She pretended. And as much as she wondered, she wouldn't know why it was so easy for her to pretend, unaware of the fact that she didn't need to pretend.

So she turned into this someone she has already been and rested a strong arm on Piper's slim waist and pulled her closer, to hold her. She caught a glimpse of Piper's eyes that were a brighter shade of blue before she pressed her lips gently against the blonde's, to kiss her. With the cold hands of a drug-addict, she burned Piper's skin, to adore her. Eventually, she waited for the golden-haired woman to signal her that she wanted it as well, not wanting to force her or to pressure her, only to treat her right.

Piper's hands quickly captured Alex's neck to drag her even closer while she was intensifying the kiss, her tongue slipping into the brunette's mouth. Although not much time has passed ever since she had had her last orgasm, Piper could already feel the heat boiling within her body that was so desperate for Alex's touches. A tight grip on her thigh added fuel to the fire and the golden-haired woman reluctantly broke the kiss and threw her head back, feeling sharp teeth and a warm tongue quickly capturing the exposed skin. The silence in the room was interrupted by soft whimpers that escaped from Piper's mouth as the woman on top of her made her way south. Alex marked her way by pressing her lips softly against the smooth skin whilst she was pushing her knee against the nervous spot between Piper's legs. As she settled on the blonde's chest to worship it, she heard her name being whispered and although her ego was already big enough, it grew nevertheless. With her hot mouth and her cold hand on each of Piper's nipples, Alex used her free hand to grip her thigh even tighter, all the time her knee moving against the blonde's lips between her legs. She didn't mean to tease the younger woman though because she had a goal. When she felt Piper's body shaking underneath her and one of her hands grabbing a fistful of her black hair, Alex moved from her breasts towards the throbbing centre. And she didn't even warn Piper as she pushed her tongue swiftly inside of her, earning a loud groan with her first thrust. The grip on her hair increased and so did the pace of Alex's tongue that moved in deeper and deeper. While one hand was resting on Piper's hipbone to hold her in place as the blonde's waist occasionally jumped up, Alex captured Piper's clit with her mouth and pushed three fingers inside of Piper that the moaning woman underneath her couldn't even acknowledge the swift change. Although Piper obviously enjoyed being fucked by Alex, the brunette couldn't complain as well. Every time she'd kiss Piper, hear her name falling from Piper's parted lips or a soft moan and her heavy and unsteady breathing, see how the blonde's body was trembling so hard, taste the sweetest fruit, feel how Piper's walls were tightening around her and show her how close she was, it could make Alex come, too. _And if she wasn't too numb, she would._

"Alex," the brunette heard from above her and could tell by the way Piper's back was arching up that she was close.

She curled her fingers and picked up her pace as she felt how the blonde was holding onto her jet hair for dear life and with one final thrust and one wet lick of her tongue eventually pushed the other woman off the edge.

While her fingers were still slowly moving inside of Piper, Alex kissed her way upwards until they found the blonde's lips that were already waiting for Alex's. Piper could taste herself on the other woman's mouth and had to let out another moan again. With her mouth still on her own, the golden-haired woman could feel Alex smiling into every kiss.

"What?" she eventually asked between their kisses, wanting to know why Alex was laughing. _So she might use it in the future._

Piper could tell that the brunette was still smiling and when their mouths parted to inhale something else than each other, Alex collapsed on top of her, resting her whole weight on the woman beneath her and hid her face in the crook of her neck, speaking with a hot breath against the blonde's skin that made shivers run down her spine, "Did you know that you're really loud in bed? Like, really, really, loud."

Chuckling against Piper's neck, she added, "Not that I'd mind."

"I'm not loud," the golden-haired woman disagreed and for the very first time, they argued without actually hurting each other.

When another deep chuckle escaped the brunette's mouth as her face was still buried between Piper's shoulder and neck, Piper put her hands on each side of the other woman's shoulders and pushed her playfully. Her action made Alex shift her position as she rested her chin between Piper's breasts, looking at nothing particular. Her chuckle disappeared and Piper was already missing it. Before the blonde could think that she ruined this little peaceful moment, Alex proved her wrong and said with a playful tone, "I bet your neighbours are fucking pissed, you definitely violated their nighttime disturbance ."

"Oh please, you're exaggerating."

"No, I'm not," the dark-haired woman replied and when her eyes found Piper's, their small smiles dropped at the same time as if they had been caught doing something illegal.

For a moment, they both stared at each other and whilst Piper didn't know what was going to happen next, _Alex actually did._

"Are you going to tell me now what you were thinking about?"

She didn't know why she was so eager to know but she nearly insisted on it. There had been this look in Piper's eyes back then that had caught her and gripped her so tight that she couldn't just leave it alone.

"Alex," the blonde started and swiftly broke the stare and avoided Alex's strong gaze and her question.

" _Piper_ ," the woman on top of her mimicked her and neither moved her body nor her eyes.

Staring out into the dark night through the window on the side, Piper explained, "It wasn't important."

"It didn't look like _it wasn't important_ ," the brunette instantly replied, still not having moved.

The woman underneath her sighed, her eyes wandering from the dark sky towards something in the bedroom and she furrowed her brows when she snapped at the other woman, "Leave it alone, Alex. Why do you care anyway?"

Sure, Piper did have a point. Alex was the one who had clarified that she didn't want a relationship and as she was the one asking the other woman what had been bothering her, it was contrary to her own statement. They were sex partners, and sex partners weren't meant to care about each other. Yet, to be honest, neither of the two women were totally sure what they actually were.

"I get it. I'm good enough for you to fuck you but anything else is none of my business, I get it. I shouldn't have overstepped my boundaries."

And the dark-haired woman had said it in such a calm tone that she made Piper look at her. Here we go again, running in circles, Alex thought to herself and judging by the look on the blonde's face, she might be right. But she was wrong.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you."

 _Sorry._

 _I didn't mean to snap at you._

Alex actually wanted to ask the blue-eyed woman to repeat her apology but if she did, Piper would definitely get furious. They have made so much progress within the short time they have been in the model's apartment, it was nearly frightening. Both women actually expected an explosion any second. But maybe the bomb was only a dud bomb. And neither knew what was going outside of their own little world that has become more of a paradise than a war zone. Because outside, in the shallow world, there were bombs after bombs going off. But how could they know that as Alex's wildly vibrating mobile was in her purse and Piper's cell phone was silently ringing on the coffee table in the living room.

"No, you were right. We're just fucking around, no strings attached. I'm not in the position to ask you such things. I mean, I was the one who drew the line, wasn't I?"

Although they both were right, although they both had a point, it didn't make any sense to them. Their arguments were correct but at the same time totally meaningless. _Maybe they simply weren't meant to talk with each other._

"Do you want to go?" Piper suddenly asked with a soft, quiet voice, barely audible for the woman that was still lying on top of her with her chin on her chest.

"Do you want me to go?"

Her green fell on Piper's blue that was looking at something underneath the other woman's face and Alex liked the way the blonde's nose wrinkled as she frowned, considering Alex's question.

"I don't want to overstep my boundaries," the model explained almost blankly and locked eyes with Alex when she heard the brunette say, "Well, I already did. I guess if you do, too, we're even."

 _Very fucking professional,_ Alex wanted to praise herself as she tried to manipulate the other woman to give her the right answer, not knowing that it wasn't necessary.

"I guess you're right," the blonde played along.

The two of them thought that they were being honest and were able to keep a straight line between them, unbeknownst to the both of them that they both were lying and that this line was solely illusionary. They could try as much as they'd want to but they would be fools if they believed that they were able to fool each other and themselves.

So the light of the moon kept falling on them, witnessing how Alex pressed a kiss against Piper's jaw before she buried her face in the crook of the blonde's neck, her body lying like a shield on top of Piper whilst the model's slim arms were wrapped around her bare back and, although the moon would be displaced by the sun that would usually tear the two of them apart, the sun would witness the same.

 _So baby don't go home,_  
 _I don't wanna spend tonight alone,_  
 _Baby please,_  
 _Would you end your night with me?_  
 _Don't you leave me all behind,_  
 _Don't you leave my little life,_  
 _Don't you leave my little lie._

* * *

"Alex."

 _Silence._

"Hey."

 _A soft warm hand on her strong shoulders._

"Wake up."

 _The even softer and even warmer mattress underneath her stomach shook._

"You're crushing me… I'm actually suffocating."

And Alex woke up, realising that she wasn't dreaming and found herself lying on top of Piper in the same position she had fallen asleep. Her face was still buried in the crook of the blonde's neck and she hummed first before she slightly shifted and rested her head on Piper's chest, hearing a sharp breath escaping the golden-haired woman's mouth as she did so.

"But I like it here," she mumbled into the area between Piper's breasts. "And I like your boobs."

Although the brunette wasn't looking at the woman underneath her that was still her mattress, she knew that Piper rolled her eyes.

"And I really like to breathe."

All the model got from the woman that was covering her whole, naked body like a blanket in response was a raspy hum, and as much as Alex's weight was actually burdening her, she was sure that they could stay like this a bit longer before the real world would knock on their door and drop off the problems. It was kind of funny how they both were so comfortable and at ease that neither noticed that their 'boundaries' were more than imaginary in this moment.

So they enjoyed the silence that couldn't even be disturbed by the thunderstorm outside of their bed and Piper's apartment that was illuminating the dark sky with lightnings and flooding the streets with rain. Whilst Piper's left hand was brushing over Alex's bare skin, the fingers of her right hand were slowly running up and down through black long waves. It was a sight fore sore eyes, the MMA world champion lying on top of the slim body of a top model, warm hands of a golden-haired beauty caressing the pale skin of a cold drug-addict. As there was no distance between their bodies and no border as well, both women could feel the other's heart beating against their own. It had a very calming effect on Alex who was hardly having peaceful moments due to her insomnia, drug abuse, simply her life. Yet, when she felt Piper's heart beating in rhythm with her own, it was better than any painkillers. It killed the cruel outside and brought her dead inside to life. It didn't even occur to the brunette that she hated snuggling. Physical closure was only acceptable when she had sex, never before or after sex. But it wasn't the first time that Piper made Alex break her routines. And neither was it the first time that Piper made Alex question something. If she weren't too tired, she might question why she had always been so against snuggling. Probably because all these other women hadn't been Piper. But Alex wouldn't and couldn't change herself and her routines so easily.

A frozen hand burned the model's thigh when it wandered over the side of her leg and gave it a tight squeeze. It surprised Piper who had thought that Alex had actually fallen asleep. Although neither have been awake for a long time, Piper could already feel the throbbing heat gathering between her legs, ignited by the dark-haired woman's hand and her mouth around one of the blonde's nipples. Her body was already aching for Alex's touches and an unusually quiet moan fell from Piper's lips when the other woman's hands moved up towards her wet core.

"You don't have to be quiet," Alex informed her with a mischievous smirk before she finally crushed her lips against Piper's, capturing them in an ardent kiss.

Piper's response was another moan that the black-haired woman swallowed as her index finger was teasingly brushing over the sensitive spot between the model's thighs. Feeling how wet Piper already was let the taller woman know that she didn't need to wait. So she didn't.

A finger slipped easily inside of the blonde who even managed to swiftly buck her hips up although Alex was still on top of her. The emerald-eyed woman bit on Piper's bottom lip and pulled it slightly, diminishing every bone and every tension within the younger woman's body. When their lips parted, she heard Piper cuss and hiss and the face she always made when she did so was nearly as beautiful as the face she made when she came. And Alex was really looking forward to see it. So she added two fingers while her palm was rubbing against the blonde's clit and before Alex's name would fall loudly from the other woman's mouth, she pressed her lips against Piper's and their tongues connected instantly as well. As Piper's mouth couldn't express her pleasure, her nails dug into the skin of the taller woman's skin instead and this time, Alex was the one who could curse. She picked up her pace in response and curled her fingers when she knew that Piper was about to come. She could tell it by the way the blonde's nails dug deeper and deeper in rhythm with Alex's pumping fingers and bye the way the other woman's body was trembling, just like her inner walls. Apparently, Piper wasn't the only who needed this. As Alex had already once realised that the golden-haired woman was her best drug, fucking Piper was turning her into an even bigger drug-addict. Especially because it was the best distraction for the other kind of ache within her body that was calling for her other drugs. Alex really craved for the rush, her skin itching because she was so desperate. So she increased the speed whilst she was fighting against the building desperation for her coke and heroine.

Even though it was nearly impossible, the brunette deepened the kiss and her fingers, making Piper lose her mind. If Alex hadn't been possessing her lips, Piper's sound when she finally came would have beat the thunder outside of the bedroom. The blonde fell apart and off the edge and Alex caught her by slowing her movements down and kissing the woman beneath her deeply. As their bare fronts were bumping against another, Alex noticed how quickly the model's chest was rising and falling. When the need for air was too big, their lips broke apart and Piper gasped whilst Alex placed a kiss against her jawbone and reluctantly drew out her fingers. The black-haired woman rolled off of her to lay down next to her on her stomach, obviously tired as her eyelids felt incredibly heavy. When her right cheek touched the pillow though, she flinched and it reminded her that she had gotten into a fight the previous night. Suddenly, her right eye hurt as well and the pain rushed through her veins into the right side of her face. She didn't adjust her position though and remained on her right side, being able to catch glimpses at the woman next to her who was on her back, looking up at the window in the ceiling before she turned her head to look at Alex who instantly shut her eyes. But even the eyes of a blind man could see the elephant in the room.

"Does it still hurt?"

"No," the brunette mumbled into the pillow, her eyes still closed.

Nonetheless, she could literally feel Piper's questioning look.

"A bit," she eventually admitted.

"Your face looks… it's pretty messed up."

Well, it wasn't pretty messed up. It was very messed up. A deep cut on her bottom lip, making her lips even bigger. Colourful bruises on her right cheek that faded out her usual paleness, the nasal bone of her unbroken, slim, coke nose swollen. The skin around her right eye was blue and violet and although Alex's emerald eyes were closed, Piper had already seen that her right eye was drowning in blood.

"Thanks," Alex said, her typical sarcasm muffled by the pillow.

She heard Piper sigh and could still feel her blue gaze on her 'pretty messed up' face. So she opened one eye, glancing at the woman next to her who confirmed her assumption. Piper was looking at her, with an expression on her face Alex needed to figure out. Sometimes Alex tended to forget that not everyone was used to violence or to see someone walking around with a battered face. It's never been a big deal for her, getting beat up, getting into fights and walking out of it with marks over her face and her body. It was her job, and her life. Both- her job and her life- have left marks on her skin and her soul. People only saw the scars on her body though, never one of those on her interior. It wasn't that she was hiding them or that she was keeping them on the down low. People would just never look through her, they wouldn't care what was on the inside. The dark-haired, cocky junkie with a fucked up face and an even more fucked up drive for self-destruction would always bring the drugs and the fame, that were the things their eyes would fall on. So she realised what Piper's look meant. She eventually knew why she had needed some time to read it. The look on the blonde's face was foreign because, nobody has ever given her this look. This look that saw more, that looked through, that dared to walk through the black tunnel to the brunette's inner skin. The inner skin that was covered in bruises, scars and holes. _So what if Piper hadn't been talking about Alex's face but rather about this internal layer?_

As Alex's pain and the soft hangover were the first shreds that reminded her of the former night, another followed when the heated discussion between the model and that fake boyfriend of hers that totally lived up to Alex's low expectations (as he revealed himself to be a fucking son of a bitch) replayed in her mind. Although it was obviously a dangerous thing to ask each other personal questions, the brunette didn't hesitate when she asked Piper, "Out of sheer curiosity, why didn't you want to drink last night?"

The brunette didn't believe that Piper was an alcoholic, Alex has already taken the role of the junkie in this game. Nonetheless, the taller woman knew that Piper wasn't opposed to have a nice drink. And last night, when she had heard with her nearly deaf ears how the blonde refused to do so, Alex was simply wondering why. When the silence between the two of them continued, her heavy eyes opened and looked at the quiet woman next to her. They saw that Piper wasn't returning their gaze, blue eyes rather focusing at the hands on her stomach as if the answer was in her palms.

"I wasn't in the mood," the blonde eventually explained with a casual shrug, the real reason which was that she couldn't stand to see Alex in the arms of another woman when their paths had met on the floor where the bathroom had been and when Alex had been so faded that she hadn't even acknowledged her, vanishing into thin air. She hadn't wanted to turn to alcohol when she had witnessed that Alex had turned to a woman that hadn't been her, had turned on a woman that hadn't been her. That was the small difference between them. Piper was smart, knowing better than to drink away her feelings whilst Alex was snorting them away and inhaled heroin to exhale them. Yet, her way to deal with feelings she didn't want to feel wasn't healthy either. Whilst Alex was capable of handling her drugged haze, Piper's drunken texts she had sent the brunette a while ago had been the prove that she couldn't hold her liquor as well as she might think. So she had fought against her stupid jealousy she shouldn't have felt and had known better than to use alcohol again.

Nodding her head in response, Alex hummed, of course knowing that was another lie she could add to the blonde's collection but eventually decided not to push her.

"So do you need some ice?" the tone of her question nearly yelling Piper's attempt to change their conversation.

"I'm fine, really."

 _Well, Piper wasn't the only liar in this bed._

Alex still wondered how long she could hide it though, her body desperate for the medicine that wasn't meant for that kind of pain. It felt like little insects were crawling up and down her bones, right underneath her white skin, increasing the itch that her hands couldn't reach. These little insects were the personification of ache, lust, desperation, withdrawal and cold need. Her body was asking for it and Alex was a slave, not being able to refuse to oblige, not having the power to do so as she wasn't in the position. She and her body had a fucked up relationship. Her body, a deserter that wouldn't give a shit about Alex's routines and orders every time it would get a dose of Piper. Her body, a junkie Alex herself had created and wouldn't give a shit about Alex's health and would make the inside of its creator a living hell if she didn't supply it. Her own body betrayed her. Even though Alex's mind was always reminding her that she shouldn't spend another night with Piper, her body always dragged her into the blonde's bed. Her body was a bully, mistreating, manipulating and abusing the MMA fighter's mind.

However, the itch beneath her skin was maddening and Alex would soon be in the state to go cold turkey if she didn't find something to reanimate her body. Or something that would distract it. That was the moment Piper's sky eyes fell on her, giving her a look as if she had seen the little insects inside of her. Alex knew what was waiting for her. Their small conversation would be replaced by the exchange of hateful words, Alex would go home, they wouldn't see each other for a couple of weeks until her body would grow tired of the coke and heroin and would drive her into the arms of the blonde again. _Fucking addictions._

"I was lucky that I didn't have my glasses on," the dark-haired woman eventually said.

She saw how Piper's blue gaze flickered when the corners of her lips slightly rose. It only was a hint, a ghost of a smile, of a smile that Alex wished to see more often. She liked the fact that she was the reason for it and although she wasn't aware of it, she was more than eager to evoke it as often as she could. The moment didn't even last for a heartbeat, yet it was long enough for the dark-haired woman to calm her heart down that was pounding like crazy, punching and slamming against her ribs like a prisoner, _a prisoner to her addiction._

As much as they seemed to fight it, the world managed to sent its troll that was supposed to drag the two women out of their little world they had built and back into the big world in which they were so lost. The troll put their hands on them when Piper said, "I know that you want to go," and already manipulated her mind.

The blonde didn't only know but could also see that Alex needed her drugs. She could tell it by the way the body of the woman next to her was slightly trembling and covered in goosebumps whilst her skin was snow white, the same colour of her coke that Alex craved for. Even though, deep down, she didn't want to, Piper had to let her go because the dark-haired woman had to go back to black. And because they crossed too many lines the last night. Alex didn't want a relationship and as waking up next to each other and spending the morning after together, in bed, was a part of relationships, it was more than surprising why Alex was still here, next to her. They couldn't lay down rules only to break them. Because if they did, it would break Piper, too. She just hasn't figured it out yet.

Alex sighed, closing her eyes as she realised that her body betrayed her another time. She should go, she knew that, she should've been gone by the minute Piper had fallen asleep after she had asked her not to leave. It was like the air between them was getting colder again. Alex didn't care about Piper, Piper didn't care about Alex, they were just fucking around, this one four-letter word was taboo. It didn't even need to be declared taboo because neither of the two meant to fall in love.

 _Love. Neither of them ever loved anyone. How was a person like Alex Vause supposed to love someone else if she loved herself so much that she didn't have any space in her heart for anyone else? How was a person like Piper Chapman supposed to love someone else if she couldn't even love herself?_

So how were they supposed to know, to actually realise, that they were falling in love with each other, if they never had, if this kind of love was something they had never felt before.

The black-haired woman still hasn't broken the silence whilst Piper's eyes were staring a hole into her profile. Although she knew that it was only a matter of time until the blonde would bring up her drug-addiction, Alex was mute as no word was coming out of her mouth. There was a stamp on her, she was labelled as the drug-addicted asshole with a bad temper. That was the person everyone saw in her, those people had given her this stamp. And Piper was the only who had proved that she could see more, that she could see past that person. _Maybe Piper was only protecting herself,_ Alex concluded and therefore wondered, _from what?_ Yet, her brain was in the equally awful shape as her face and the brunette would need some time to get her answer to her own question.

Without looking at the younger woman, Alex propped herself up and the pain, dark desire and slight hangover reminding her to take it slow. She got up, Piper's sheet wrapped around her naked body and it was so familiar. Alex would gather her clothes and pick them up from the floor, Piper would stay in her bed and only her eyes would follow the woman that would be gone in a few moments.

When the jet-haired woman returned from the bathroom, she walked along the handrail and saw the model standing in the kitchen, preparing herself some coffee. Piper was only wearing sweatpants and a grey hoodie that was a bit too big for her whilst her long golden waves were adorning her shoulders and back and Alex's will to tell her that she was beautiful nevertheless was lingering on her lips. Yet, no word came out when she walked down the stairs, on her left the front door of the blonde's model and on her right Piper standing with her back to her in the kitchen. _Do the right thing, Alex,_ the brunette thought to herself, not knowing how much longer she could hold back her burning desire.

"So… uhm… I'm leaving," she informed the shorter woman, her raspy voice struggling to express her sentence.

"Bye Alex."

"Yeah… bye," Alex mumbled under her breath when she saw that Piper neither turned around nor looked at her.

Pressing her lips together, the dark-haired woman nodded her head, realising that Piper was continuing their wicked games and took a few steps backwards before she eventually turned around and walked through the door.

When the door fell shut, Piper let out a shaky breath and looked over her shoulder, seeing that Alex was actually gone. _You did the right thing_ , she reminded herself when she had to collect all her composure to stop herself from running after the other woman. Looking through the windows to see how the thunderstorm was darkening the already dark world, the blonde eventually stepped away from the windows and walked into the living room to check her mobile which was long overdue.

Because when the blonde finally reached her cellphone and unlocked it, the numbers of texts and calls were outrageous.

"What," she muttered whilst she was scrolling through the messages, some of them from Polly, some of them from her agent and a few even from Tyler. And all messages dealt with the same issue. Last night.

Tyler texted her that she would have to pay for it and reminded Piper of their contract.

Her agent reminded her of their contract as well and told the blonde to call her immediately.

Polly was mainly asking what had happened the previous night and if all those things in the media about her and Tyler and Alex were true.

 _Which things?_ Piper wondered but before she would find out there was a knock on her front of door. Confused by the drama that might have taken place the last night, Piper's gaze remained on the screen of her mobile whilst she was making her way over to the door. She grabbed the knob and the door revealed the person that would have to deal with similar texts. But first, she had to get her mobile.

"Sorry, I forgot my phone," Alex explained and Piper's eyes instantly fell on her, her own mobile still in her hand. "Can I come in?"

For a moment, azure eyes only stared at her before a soft voice said, "Sure."

Piper stepped aside, making space for Alex to walk through the door back into her apartment and into her life and whilst the brunette already got the thing she came back for, the model was still standing in the doorway before she closed the door when she saw that Alex was approaching her and was about to leave again.

She saw how Alex pulled her brows together as she was staring at her mobile screen, walking up to the door. When the dark-haired woman nearly reached it, she stopped and stood only a few inches away from Piper.

"What the fuck," she heard Alex hiss while she was obviously checking her texts.

Just like Piper, Alex had plenty of messages and unanswered calls from her agent, Red and Lorna. Her agent demanded to see her as soon as possible whilst Red and Lorna were asking her if it was true and if Alex had checked the news. Lorna also texted her that Nicky refused to send her a message herself after their fight but that Nicky was checking Lorna's phone every minute, waiting for a response from her tall best friend as well.

Trying to find some sort of sense, the raven-haired woman looked up from her screen and her gaze eventually fell on Piper who looked as clueless as her. Knitting her brows together in confusion, Alex licked her lips before she turned around again and walked over to Piper's kitchen. When Piper saw that the taller woman walked further back into her apartment, she was relieved. She didn't know why, but she was.

"He wants to sue me," Alex eventually explained whilst she walking up to the raindrops-stained windows, her cellphone at her ear.

"Who?"

"Your fucking boyfriend!" the brunette snapped, walking nervously in circles.

"He's not my boyfriend," Piper stated instantly and could tell by the tone of Alex's voice that she was furious.

"This little piece of shit… Hey, yeah, it's me. Could you explain this crap to me?!" Piper heard Alex say and listened to the conversation Alex was having with the person at the other end of the line as she approached her.

"Is he fucking serious? I did nothing, he's the stupid motherfucker who- I don't give a damn about who he is! It's his fault he got his nose broken… Fine, if he wants to sue me, let him… Call my- No, listen… Don't tell me what to do… No! You're not going to call my lawyer… because I'll call him. Do you understand that?… Good."

When Alex put her hand down as the phone call was obviously over, she ran a hand through her dark hair.

"Fuck," she cursed and Piper saw how her hands were shaking. "I can't fucking believe this!"

"What happened?" the blonde eventually asked, her own texts she had gotten already forgotten.

When the other woman didn't answer, Piper stepped even closer and was standing behind the taller woman.

"Alex."

"This fucking son of a bitch, I should've knocked his fucking teeth out, too."

"Alex," Piper repeated again and hesitantly put a hand on Alex's tensed up shoulder, finally making the other woman turn around to face her.

"What Piper?" the dark-haired woman snubbed, giving Piper a fierce look when she continued, "You wanna know what happened? This little shitface of a boyfriend you have happened. He wants to sue me because I broke his little nose. That's what happened."

" _He is not my boyfriend,_ " Piper clarified again and saw how Alex rolled her eyes when she scoffed.

As if she could feel the heating rage inside of Alex, she drew her hand back that had been resting on the brunette's broad shoulder and searched her green eyes.

"He can't sue you, he is the one to blame."

"Oh really?! Piper, wake up from your rainbow cotton candy land, this isn't about right and wrong and justice and peace. This Tyler fucker is a goddamn saint, his fucking ass is kissed by angels. Nobody cares if he's wrong. I'm satan next to him, don't you understand? People only see what they want to see, that's how the world works, Piper!"

Alex was definitely letting her anger out on Piper who was again only a punchbag. And as used to it as she was, it hurt when Alex made her her punchbag.

"Shit," Alex cursed again and walked past Piper to leave her apartment, looking for a solution that she thought she wouldn't find here.

"Alex, wait," the blonde said but this time, Alex proved to be the asshole she always called herself and left.

* * *

"You signed a contract."

"I know but-"

"Piper, there's no way I can get you out of this. You made a deal with him."

He abused me, Piper wanted to say but only told her agent, "I know, I was there."

"I'm sorry, Piper."

Nodding her head in response, the woman on the line added, "It's only temporary. You'll just accompany him to the rest of these public events and then you'll be free, okay?"

 _Free,_ it was a foreign word for the blonde. The line went dead and Piper instantly checked if Alex answered any of her texts but as she had already expected, she still received no response from the brunette. It was the next day and Piper just wanted to never see Tyler again. Back then when she had to clean her image because of her reckless behaviour in Europe, her agent arranged a deal with Tyler's agent that was meant to put Piper back into the good spotlight. They had to act in public like a couple, pretending to be together until people would forget about Piper's bad headlines. Tyler Dalton didn't reveal himself to be the person everyone expected him to be though. He wasn't this pure, innocent saint that would visit children in hospitals and build houses for homeless people in other countries, always having a charming smile on his perfectly structured face. As soon as the cameras were off and no eyes were on him, he showed his real face and no longer hid the arrogant prick he really was. And Piper witnessed this transformation more than once. At the beginning, he had actually been charming, a gentleman so to speak and had been kind and nice to Piper, unlike one specific woman that Piper had usually turned to. Yet, when things had heated up between him and the blonde once at a party, Piper had rejected him for reasons that have still been unknown to her and had shut him down. Ever since, Tyler has been getting more and more aggressive towards her, obviously smart over getting dumped by Piper. It was really hard for the blonde to be the professional she actually was. So she tried to find a way out of the contract, no longer wanting to be a punchbag for anyone but there was none. If she broke the contract, she'd probably have to pay for it with her career. She was lucky enough that Tyler hadn't mentioned Piper when he had talked to the press about the incident at his birthday party. Because Tyler knew. He knew the moment when Piper had left his party with Alex Vause that there was something going on between the two women. He didn't only have one leverage. So Piper was forced to play along, attending the award show that was coming up at his side.

* * *

His strong hand, abrasive like sandpaper, was tightly wrapped around her slim waist. The grip would push her roughly closer to him as he would pose with her on the red carpet. He was so eager to show everyone that he possessed her, his fingers that were boring through the silk fabric of her skinny dress a proof. But Piper smiled, ignoring the blinding camera flashes, ignoring Tyler's presence that was hard not to acknowledge and ignoring the fact that she didn't want to be here. It was hard but the golden-haired woman was a professional nevertheless. It's only temporary, I'll be free, she remembered her agent's words that were the only things that kept her going, keeping up her perfect professionalism. It's been not even a week ever since the eventful night onTyler's birthday and Piper still hasn't reached Alex. The man that was at her side right now hasn't shown his anger yet that he was so obviously hiding and the blonde knew that as soon as they would be out of the spotlight, he would let Piper feel it. He'd yell at her, insult her, blame her and would get close to lay his hands on her. But that wasn't something Piper was worried about. She worried about Alex. The dark-haired woman hasn't given any statement on the topic the media was gossiping viciously about it. They were talking about how Alex, the world's best MMA fighter had to take out her anger and frustration on the poor, flawless guy that was Tyler Durden. Alex was covering all magazines, the beef assault the daily headline. Every report was about her drug-addiction, calling her a freakish junkie and saying that she'd need to go to rehab and that she'd need anger management. But the only thing Alex needed was someone who'd understand her. And somehow, _Piper wanted to be that someone._

As they were walking down the red carpet, the blonde internally hoped and wished that Alex would be here tonight as well. This annual award show honoured celebrities that accomplished outstanding achievements. Whilst Tyler was going to be honoured for his charitable acts that were only meant to cover up the fact that he was a violent, manipulative narcissist, Alex was going to get an award for her athletic achievements. But after the youngest events, Piper wasn't too sure if the brunette who neither gave a damn about this celebrity stuff nor about awards shows and other boasts was going to show up.

They eventually made their way into the theatre, Tyler pulling her with an even more intense hold around her waist towards their seats. Neither has said a word to the other yet although they had arrived and stepped out of the car together. However, Piper could tell that there was a ticking time bomb beneath his flawless facade. Taking their seats in a row that was a bit further away from the stage, the blonde could still feel how the man's hand was burdening the skin of her thigh. Although they were in public, Tyler definitely didn't hesitate to remind Piper of his rage.

The feeling of his hand on her leg vanished though when the model spotted a jet-haired woman in a tight suit that was taking her place two rows in front of them. She actually came, Piper realised and just wanted to free herself from Tyler's hand and the chains and run to Alex. But she wasn't strong enough. Only her sky-blue eyes followed her, watching every move the brunette made. Alex sat down and after some time Piper realised that she came alone. Boring a hole into the back of a dark head, Piper's gaze didn't move even when a few fingertips dug into her smooth skin, probably colouring the spot.

"Spot staring at this slut, Piper," a low voice demanded, whispering into her ear but Piper didn't listen.

"Piper," he warned her again and only when the woman the blonde was staring at actually got up after someone had talked to her, Piper's eyes flickered and she turned her head slightly towards the man next to her.

"Fucking bitch, she's even too dumb to find her right seat… She obviously doesn't know where her place is."

His words eventually made Piper look at him and when she saw this disgusting grin on his even more disgusting face, the blonde could feel how her right hand began to shake, lusting to smack this smile out of his face. It perhaps didn't go unnoticed by Tyler who eventually added, "Don't worry, babe, I'll put her in her place."

She kept looking at him, the scene of how her fist would collide with his nose playing out in front of her eyes. That was all she could do and her eyes remained on him until they recognized that jet hair. Alex walked past their row and sat down five behind them and finally, her azure pair found the emerald one.

Piper studied her and when she did, it was a deep kick right into her guts. Alex looked so empty, so lifeless and the look she was giving the blonde turned the model into a punchbag again. Although they were sitting apart from each other, Piper was still close enough to her to actually see her. Yet, it wasn't close enough. Piper needed to talk to her.

The show began and as Alex was sitting behind her, her green stare on Piper's back was more intense than Tyler's hand around her leg. From time to time, the blonde would turn around and would catch Alex staring at her and the expression on her face would only be getting more and more stoic. The dark-haired woman wouldn't even lower her gaze, her eyes wouldn't move, they would simply dig deeper and deeper into the blonde. Just like Tyler's fingertips on her thigh.

The chains that were wrapped around her limbs eventually loosened for a moment when Tyler was being honoured and had to walk up to the stage to accept his award. He pronounced how grateful he was and talked about having to make a change to make the world a better place. It made Piper feel sick, hearing how one lie after another fell from his dishonest lips. He even mentioned Piper in his speech, thanking her for her ‚support' and fed the audience and the media, they both knowing that they wanted to hear what kind of a perfect girlfriend Piper was. And when Alex heard it as well, her strong gaze on Piper reached a new dimension that the blonde could actually feel her gaze.

At some point, the hosts eventually talked about athletes and invited the female MMA fighter onto the stage to accept her awards. Piper watched her making her way downstairs and the dark-haired woman was on the stage, she only grabbed her award and left, leaving the theatre as well. The audience went wild and the blonde knew that the media was going to go wild, too as Alex just gave them the perfect headline.

As if it was a deep instinct, a strong reflex, Piper's body shot up, getting up from her seat and following the woman that had just stormed off.

"Alex," the blonde said when she was in the entrance hall and saw the taller woman making her way out of the building.

"Alex."

She got no reaction from her and Piper internally hoped that she would reach Alex before she would exit the building. Piper didn't want Alex to hand the media another big headline.

"Hey!" the model called out and when her hand found Alex's wrist, the dark-haired woman eventually stopped to walk away.

"Don't you fucking touch me," Alex gritted through her teeth, her back facing the younger woman.

Piper was surprised by Alex's anger but she wasn't afraid. Alex wasn't Tyler.

"Alex, just… listen to me."

The taller woman looked over her muscular shoulder, her empty eyes landing on the hand that was still around her wrist. The unknown blankness in her emerald eyes made Piper pull her hand back, nevertheless relieved that she won Alex's attention.

"It's not what it looks like-"

"Oh, what does it look like, Piper?" Alex cut her off and finally turned around to face the shorter woman, the cold tone of her voice outranking her dead eyes.

Finding the right words to explain what was wrong, Piper needed a few moments until she eventually explained, "Alex, I've told you more than a hundred times that he isn't my boyfriend. Look, it's all just PR stunt, okay? I'm on your side."

In response, Alex chuckled and the way she laughed like a maniac with those lifeless eyes made Piper take a small step back.

"You really sold your soul, right? Shit, you'd probably sell your own grandmother, wouldn't you? As long as you're still everybody's darling and everybody falls for this fucking perfect facade you're putting up you're fine. You love to fool people… but you know what? _I can see right through all this shit_ , Piper. I know that this isn't you. _I know you_ … Right the moment I met you in which I may add I was fucking stoned, I saw that you were just hiding behind a mask. I saw that you pretended to be nobody so somebody would like you… And I actually believed that you were more than that but, although it took me a while I realised…. I was wrong… because you fooled me, too. Shame on you, I guess."

Her jade-green eyes held a mirror up to her words that were equally ice-cold and dead. And that was what killed Piper who just stared up at the other woman who was returning her gaze. Alex was stoned, her nose was white and her eyes stained in blood. Yet, when Alex had been in the same state when she had figured the blonde out, her drugged-haze probably couldn't cloud her mind. So, in conclusion, Alex had to have meant every single word she had said. It wasn't the drugs that had said them, it really had been Alex.

Eventually, when Alex shook her head and turned around to walk away in silence, Piper broke it with her own violence.

"So maybe you're not as smart as you think you are, huh? I mean, if even you fell for it, you can't be in as much control as you always want to be. But let me tell you something, I actually have to thank you… because you just made it so much easier for me to hate you even more than I already do."

Alex's eyes found Piper's when the dark-haired woman glanced over her shoulder as she was already a few steps away from the blonde. And although she didn't let Piper see it, her venom-dipped words made her feel sick, disgusted by herself. Because Piper words were true. She made it so easy for everyone to hate her. Although it wasn't the first time Piper had said to her that she hated her, it was different. And although she didn't care if people hated her, the little part inside of her that slowly has been growing and teaching her how to feel which Piper had once given her was dragged out of her and gone as the blonde herself was walking away with it. Her eyes were no longer the only empty things about her.

* * *

 _Shit, okay, I've got a couple more words for you. To be honest, I rewrote this chapter like a thousand times I guess and I'm still not too sure about it. As you might guess, it's pretty long again and it actually could've been longer if I hadn't found a part to finally put an end to it. I actually meant to add another part into this chapter but decided to use it in the next one. Otherwise, this one would've had probably 20000 words and you guys would have had to wait even longer... I just wanted to finally upload it so you can continue to read the story, I didn't want to keep you waiting, especially because you guys are just too kind. Please, let me know what you think because I honestly can't tell what I'm thinking about this chapter, ha.  
_


	10. She

_Chapter 10: She_

Whilst Piper was on the other side of the world, doing things models should do and doing things fuck buddies shouldn't do, such as constantly thinking about her jet-haired fuck buddy, Alex was busy turning off her mind to stop it from forming any more thoughts. Because every thought she had led her to Piper. If she wasn't faded, she'd think about the blonde, she'd see her rare, little smile, she'd miss her. And she'd remember Piper's words that would remind the dark-haired woman of how bad she had fucked up. Again. So, if she wasn't gone in her own zone, it would kill her to be aware of the fact that Piper was gone. That was why she escaped, numbing her mind and her body and only existed inside of her nothingness. Right now, she was at her lowest, she was at the bottom of the ocean, she was the worst version of herself. Her career was put on hold. The media was used to her specific personality that didn't match the fake images which created the flawless glamour world. Nevertheless, the latest scandals turned Alex into a beast. She had always been a beast inside of the cage, a place in where she could release this monster inside of her. But outside in the fake world the media tried to enchain this black panther. It was so contradictory and absolutely absurd. Alex knew that. Yet, it seemed like she didn't know that the black panther she was mauling her as well. And before the day would drag her down and would make her feel too low, she would get high.

And she fought, she fought so hard but her weapons were powerless. The nameless woman that was lying beneath her in this fancy hotel room was meant to distract Alex. But when the stranger kissed her and touched her and fucked her, Alex wished it was someone else. No matter how much she tried not to, she was thinking about Piper. She wished that she'd be the one underneath her. She wished that she would be here, with her now. But as she wasn't, the dark-haired woman wanted to fill this empty hole that Piper had created with the mixture of meaningless sex and drug-cocktails. So she let the other woman that wasn't Piper touch her.

When they were finished, Alex was too careless, too heartless, too lifeless to even wait for the nameless girl to fall asleep. Instead, the brunette left the bed, hearing the other woman mumble words that Alex couldn't hear and took on her clothes. Stepping out of the expensive hotel room, Alex realised that the hole she had meant to fill was even bigger than before. Meaningless hook-ups and the drugs were her weapons that she used to fight against the feelings Piper had taught her to feel. But it suddenly turned out that her own weapons turned against her, the bullets hitting her and tearing her apart, and extending the black hole inside of her.

The night was unusually cold for a May night but Alex didn't notice the goosebumps underneath her black sweater as she was stumbling through the streets of Manhattan. She wanted to go home but ever since she had met Piper, she's been feeling homeless, the place she used to call home no longer feeling like home. There was one thing she knew for certain though. If she didn't know that the golden-haired woman wasn't in town, she would have a destination in mind where her legs would drag her to. But Piper wasn't around, a fact that was killing Alex. It was a fucking withdrawal actually and, as the dark-haired woman couldn't forget that she was a fuck-up and had fucked up whatever this thing had been between her and Piper, she thought that missing Piper was the most selfish thing she's ever done. Because Piper deserved better than that, Piper deserved better than her. So why was she finding herself still thinking about Piper although the truth was meant to drift them apart? Alex knew that she was a selfish asshole. Yet, was there really no limit for her? Was she really such a selfish asshole that only cared about herself? Only about what she wanted, about what she needed? Absolutely regardless if she would ruin that person as long as she would get what she craved for?

"Fuck it," she eventually muttered and made a decision.

Alex pulled her cellphone out of her jeans pocket and opened her contact list. As the codeine and whatever else she had swallowed were making her body tremble, nervousness was the reason her thumb was shaking when it was wavering over her mobile screen. Nonetheless, her thumb touched the screen and her loneliness and emptiness and selfishness were calling _her._

Walking lost through the dark alleyways, the only thing the black-haired woman was able to take in was the dial tone that was taking too long to be interrupted by Piper's voice. Her own impatience and the never ending monotonous tone were maddening her, making her walk in circles like a maniac. She looked even crazier when she began to curse but as always, Alex was alone, nobody able to hear her words.

"Come on, pick up the damn phone…Shit."

She was caught up in her own continuous loop, dialing Piper's number all over again until the answerphone would speak up instead of the blonde. But Alex didn't want to talk to the robot woman, she wanted to talk to Piper. Well, as Piper obviously didn't want to talk to her, the least the brunette wanted was to make the other woman listen to her. So, after probably the fiftieth time, Alex didn't hang up when the voice of the answerphone spoke up. Instead, she waited for it to fall silent so the jet-haired woman could leave a message with the words she needed Piper to hear.

"Piper? Fuck… Pick up the damn phone… _Please?_ Pipes, shit… You don't even have to say something… Just, pick up so I know that you're listening…Yeah, I know that I'm leaving you a message right now and I, if I had to, I'd leave a thousand more messages until I'm sure that you listened to only one of them…Fuck, Piper, answer the fucking phone… I'm really trying here, y _ou know?_ It's just… honestly? I don't know what this is… I, I actually don't even know how this works- saying sorry although it's actually something I have to say all the time… but never did… _until I met you_ … Damn, Piper, really? Are you really not going to pick up? Fuck, alright… then I just keep talking until you will… I know you're not in New York right now- Yes, I googled you… You're not here and that's something that fucks me up… a lot… Shit, no, please, forget this part… I'm an asshole that really needs… Look, if you're back, _call me?_ It's just… no matter what I'm doing and… no matter who I'm with… the only thing on my mind is… you… I know that I fucked up very bad last time and, who am I to expect you to answer my call… I'm not asking for your forgiveness or a second chance or some shit like that… I just want to do something I've never done before… So, please, call me… or let me know when you're back… Fuck, Pipes, please don't be so stubborn like me and delete this voicemail and delete me, too… Goddamn, fine… you know what? If you never want to see me again, fine, I get it… Just, fuck, I'm so fucking faded right now but do you want to know something? It's because of you… because if I don't take a hit, I'll end up thinking about… it's something I can't stop myself from doing… And you what's even worse? It's even that bad that my fucking drugs can't stop me… I can do whatever I want and I…I still think about you… and I don't how to deal with it… So, please… tell me when you're back… because if you look me in the eye and tell me to fuck off… it might help… it might help more than any of this shit I'm taking… You fuck me more up than any drugs ever could… You still won't pick up? Fine… in case you're listening and decide that you want to delete all of me right after you delete this message, know that… Just know that… you're the first and only person that made me say it… and I think you'll be the last… I'm sorry, Piper."

As Alex eventually ended up in her cold apartment, the woman on the other side of the dead line spent the most of her night listening to this message more than once. And with every time she would replay it, she would hate Alex even more because, as some things Alex had said would drag her away from the brunette, other things would pull her dangerously close again. It was easy to hate Alex. But it was almost as easy for Piper to forget that she hated her.

* * *

After a short night that would have been sleepless if Alex hadn't taken some pills that had knocked her out, an early phone call woke her up. The number was unknown and although she just wanted to throw her cellphone against the wall and avoid any kind of conversation and social interaction, curiosity won her over. _What if it was Piper?_

So, she picked up, something Piper hadn't done the previous night and with a hoarse voice said, "Yes?"

"Am I speaking to Alex Vause?"

Disappointment fell over Alex when she heard this voice which she wasn't too familiar with and therefore knew that it wasn't Piper.

Sighing, she let herself fall back onto the mattress again. "Who's asking?"

The brunette looked more than forward to end this pointless conversation which would turn out to be not so pointless.

"Good morning to you, too, Alex. It's Vee Parker."

Suddenly, Alex was wide awake and still felt too exhausted for this morning. When some blood began to drip out of her nose and over her lips, Alex also knew why. Her back eventually shot up though whilst her free hand was covering her nostrils.

"Fuck," she cursed under her breath and stepped out of the bed as memories of the one night she and Piper had been trapped in the elevator were flashing in front of her eyes, the blonde's words echoing inside of her head. The brunette walked over into her bathroom, getting herself some tissues and rolled them up to stick them into her nostrils, just like the way Piper had once done it. She nearly forgot about the phone call and only the other woman's question reminded her of it.

"Alex? Are you still there?"

"Yeah, yeah… What do you want, Parker?"

"Easy, Alex. I know that you got some issues but that's why I called you. I want to help you."

Letting out a sarcastic laugh, the dark-haired woman who was struggling to stop her nose bleeding didn't forget that Vee fucking Parker was one of her opponent's trainer. She didn't forget those words Vee fucking Parker had said after Alex had defended her title against her protégée. She didn't forget what Red had once told her about Vee fucking Parker, telling Alex that the dark-skinned woman wanted Alex out of the picture. That was why Alex chuckled, wondering if the woman on the other side of the line actually believed that Alex was that stupid to believe anything the older woman would tell her.

"Vee Parker, MMA trainer, UFC commissary and now sacred benefactor as well? Helping those who are in need? That's fucking funny."

Her words obviously amused the older woman who laughed, too, before she spoke up, "I like your humour, kiddo. Even if it was the end of the world, you'd still be able to crack a joke. Is it because there's nothing else left for you?"

Shutting her eyes and swallowing her anger and bad words that wanted to come out, Alex asked in a robotic tone, "What do you want, Vee?"

"Well, I want to make you an offer, Alex. The black panther has to return from the dead. The phoenix has to rise from the ashes again…"

"What do you mean?"

Although she couldn't see her, Alex knew that Vee Parker had a stupid grin on her face when she knew that she would win Alex's attention with her following words.

"Return to the cage, kiddo. Fight again, become a champion again."

"You're fucking kidding me, right?"

"No, I'm not."

Licking her lips, Alex was both suspicious and interested. She wanted to fight again, she missed the adrenaline, the ring, even the violence. It would be a good distraction. And she could break someone's nose without being sued for it. She would be a somebody again, even if the audience loved to hate her. She would show and prove that she wasn't only a bad-tempered, drug-addicted failure. Getting so caught up in her own thoughts, realisation brought her back when Alex reminded Vee and herself, "You do know that I have no trainer-"

"Yes, Alex, I know that Red kicked out and I also know that she rejected the offer for the big MMA tournament that you were supposed to fight at. I know everything. I know about your drug abuse, I know about your anger issues, I know about your violent dispute with Tyler Durden, I know that he sued you. I saw it all coming. It was only a matter of time until you'd fuck up… and you eventually did. So let me help you."

 _Help,_ Alex was too proud to accept any help from anyone. She's been alone her whole life, she didn't anyone to help her. Yet, she had to admit that Vee Parker's offer sounded interesting, unlike her smart-ass comments. But what did she have to lose? She was already at her lowest, she couldn't get any lower.

"Who will train me?"

"Don't worry, I already took care of everything."

Frowning, Alex realised that the bleeding finally stopped and pulled the red tissues out of her nose. Although Piper was the only thing she was thinking about, she found herself thinking about Parker's offer and if she was going to accept it as well. She had nothing. No name, no career, no glory, nobody. Her free hand ran through her jet-black hair whilst she was considering Parker's deal. She neither forgot nor forgave the things she had said to her the other day. She wasn't going to trust Vee Parker. Alex knew that Vee Parker was having ulterior motives. Nonetheless, Alex already imagined Red's face when she'd hear the news. Red, who gave her no chance, who didn't make her any offer, who let her down, who didn't help her, who didn't even try nor wanted to do so. It was Vee Parker who seemed to give Alex a chance, something the raven-haired woman couldn't expect from her own mentor.  
"I'm listening."

With her words, Alex saw another devious grin on Vee Parker's face but was too cold to care, the ice spreading within the big, empty hole Piper had left inside of her when she had left Alex.

"It will be a rematch. You against my protégée, Stella Carlin. She wants your title. And the world wants to see if you can defend it. The fight will be in six weeks, Madison Square Garden, the place where it all began."

"You want to make a show out of it," Alex concluded.

"Alex, I'm an UFC commissary. Of course I want to make a show out of it. The fallen champion returns from her darkness which has been surrounding her ever since that day she had won everything, only to lose everything. This will be your redemption. If Stella wasn't in my team, I'd probably even root for you… Imagine what would happen if you were going to win, Alex."

Vee Parker's words were so fake, so false, Alex wondered if the woman believed any of them. But it wouldn't knock the fight out her. So Alex agreed.

"I'm in."

A sick smile spread over Vee Parker's face as she informed the younger woman, "Great. You're doing the right thing, Alex. I'll have someone send you the details and the contract and don't worry, there's nothing you have to do, everything's already taken care of-"

"Oh, there's definitely one thing I have to do."

Wondering what Alex was talking about, the older woman asked, "And that would be?"

"Knocking your little Australian Justin Bieber out."

A deep chuckle erupted on the other side of the line before Vee Parker said, "You're funny, Alex. If I didn't dislike you, I think we'd be great friends."

Yeah, she'd be one of those other fake friends Alex already had. Vee Parker was only a cockroach, just like the rest of them. But for the first time, Alex wasn't the one who was giving something. It was a fucking cockroach that was giving her something.

When the phone call was over, Alex didn't put her mobile away as she looked if she received any texts from Piper, only to find nothing. She wondered if the blonde at least listened to her message. Although her life was still a mess, the opportunity she had just been given was a little silver lining. And if the golden-haired woman had shown any kind of reaction to Alex's honest words, it would have been a golden lining. Alex was perilously close to dial her number again. But she eventually tossed her mobile onto her bed, deciding to turn off her thoughts and mind and turned to her opium instead, although she knew that it wasn't really going to help.

* * *

After nearly two weeks of jogging, drinking water and smoking opium to silence her mind and to numb her pain, Alex returned to the gym. The last time she had been there was the time Red had been too fed up with her and had broken off their relation. Now, she stepped into the building that once had been her shelter, only to see it as something that it was. A gym. Nothing more.

Walking down the stairs into the secret fight club, Alex already knew what their reactions were going to be like. Alex had once left this gym like a lost strayer, having lost her home and now she was back as the lone wolf that had no pack. She was glad that she was used to being alone. Otherwise, the fact that Piper still hasn't answered her would have pushed her off the edge. Alex was frustrated, pissed, mad, angry, desperate, only because Piper was messing with her mind. Although the brunette was aware of it and knew that she was only wasting her time, the sharp knife that would cut through the the last thin thread that was binding them together was a final 'Fuck off' falling from Piper's lips. If Alex heard those words coming out of her mouth, the brunette would do so. And her drugs might work again.

The heavy steel doors flew open and everyone's eyes instantly fell on her. Silence was filling the room and although Alex wanted to make her way to the locker rooms without being bothered by anyone, the short woman from Brooklyn spiked her guns.

"Alex? What are you doing here? I haven't seen you in like… forever."

Even though Alex didn't stop walking, continuing her way to the locker rooms, Lorna followed her and was probably the only one who was happy to see her.

"How are you? I, you know, heard some stuff about you and-"

"I'm fine, as always, Morello."

Smiling slightly at her, Alex took her eyes off the shorter woman who was actually trying to stop Alex.

"Good… great," Lorna nervously said, noticing where Alex was headed to and suddenly blurted out, "You shouldn't be here… you can't be here."

Raising a brow at the woman next to her, Alex nonchalantly asked, "Who says that?"

"No one, well, not officially, but if Red sees you, or Nicky-"

"If Nicky sees who?" the woman the two were talking about suddenly asked, standing in the doorway of the locker room.

Seeing how her best friend was glaring at her, Alex made her way over to her and muttered under her breath, "Speaking of the devil…"

"Did you get lost?" Nicky asked, not stepping aside to let the dark-haired woman pass.

"Get out of my way, Nicky."

Intensifying her cold glare, the wild-haired woman crossed her arms in front of her chest and only leaned against the frame, not thinking of doing as she was told to. The last fight they had had was obviously still between them, creating a heavy tension between the best friends.

"Nicky-" Alex began but was cut off before she could finish her sentence.

"The fuck are you doing here? You have no business here! Not after all those things you've done…"

Shaking her head, Alex stated with a cocky smile on her face, "That's rich, coming from you."

"Nicky, just leave it be. It's only Alex," Lorna said when she saw how Alex's comment filled Nicky's eyes with anger.

Straightening herself to not look too short in front of the brunette, the wild-haired woman kept glaring up at her and spoke up. "Who do you actually think you are, huh? Did you really think you can fuck everything up and just come back as if nothing happened? God, I'm so fucking sick of your shit-"

"Nicky-"

"Stay out of this, Lorna," Nicky told her without taking her eyes off Alex. "You're such a goddamn self-righteous asshole, Alex. It's always only about you, you're the centre of the fucking universe. Everything spins around you-"

"I didn't come here to listen to one of your sermons, Nick. Find someone who actually wants to listen to them," Alex informed her and took a few steps forward to enter the locker room.

When she tried to walk past Nicky, the shorter woman immediately stopped her from doing so, pushing her with a strong hand back into the hall.

"What the fuck?!" Alex snapped and neither of them noticed that Lorna had left the two alone.

"Take one more step and it will be the last one you've ever taken," Nicky warned her in a tone Alex has never heard before.

"Jesus, what is your fucking problem?!" the brunette eventually asked.

"My fucking problem? MY fucking problem? My fucking problem is that you have a shit-ton of problems and don't want to admit it!"

Letting out a scoff, Alex shook her head in disbelief and slightly grinned before she stated, "You're right. _I_ am the one who's got some problems, _not you._ Ergo, it's none of your goddamn business. So step aside and leave me alone."

The last words came out so toxic that her bottom lip actually burned. Yet, before the situation would escalate between them, Alex decided that the conversation between her and her 'best friend' was over and tried a second time to walk into the locker room and when she did, two hands pushed her, and, this time definitely more violently, back into the hall.

"Do that one more time and I'll forget that we're friends," Alex mumbled, nearly whispered, but it didn't affect the meaning of her words.

"What difference would it make? I know how you treat your friends," the shorter woman informed her as she stepped up to Alex and pushed her another time.

And suddenly, Nicky's hands on her shoulders triggered the bottled-up frustration and desperation that Alex has been trying to kill with heroine and coke but couldn't as Piper and her effect on the brunette were immune to any medicine. They rushed through her into her hands which were under the influence of the released emotions and the fact that even her best friend couldn't stand her anymore. So they shoved Nicky strongly into the locker room, making her stumble backwards. Realizing what just happened, her friend's eyes found hers and the look on her face increased the thick tension so much that it made it hard to breathe.

So the short woman stormed towards her friend, about to show with her fists how fed up she was with her best friend. And Alex wouldn't even mind. Some part inside of her knew that she deserved. Yet, before the situation could get out of hands, Lorna returned. And she didn't come alone.

"Nicky, stop," the woman said and when Alex heard that voice she had to stop herself from rolling her eyes.

However, Nicky was no longer approaching her, instead shooting a glare at the person whose voice held her back from beating her best friend. Whilst Alex was still standing with her back to Lorna and the woman the brunette didn't want to see, Nicky moved past Alex, acting like the taller woman was a ghost. Although she didn't hear her say it, the way Nicky suddenly acted like Alex didn't exist was enough for the dark-haired woman to know that she was dead to her. Because again, Alex crossed a line. She carried it to the extremes another time, so bad that her best friend had the urge to get violent. How low can you go, that your own best friend was so desperate to help that she saw violence as the only way.

When the footsteps of two persons faded, Alex didn't need to turn around to know who was still standing behind her. Without looking over her shoulder, the jet-haired woman cleared her throat and clarified, "I'm here to train, that's all."

She began to make her way into the locker room that she could finally enter, letting the other woman know that she didn't want to talk. Red spoke up, nonetheless.

"Don't you want to talk about it, kiddo?"

"There's nothing to talk about," Alex immediately stated as she was changing her clothes.

"I know that there's gonna be a trial because that Durden guy charged you… Alex, you could lose your license! What were you thinking?"

Taking a deep breath that was meant to hold her composure together, Alex sat down and began to bandage her hands rather clumsily as Nicky or Lorna had always done it for her in the past. Again, she was glad that she was used to being alone.

"First of all, stop right there, Red. You were the one who abandoned me, alright? Don't pretend to give a shit about me. Just mind your own business, okay? And secondly, even if I were going to lose my license, I'd have one last big fight."

When she saw the confused expression on her former trainer's face which was satisfying Alex more than she had imagined, she nodded as a tiny grin grew on her face. "You heard me right, Red. I don't need you nor any of you, Alex Vause is back. And it's not an underground fight, I'm talking about a title fight."

"What? Who, who arranged that for you?"

"Someone who actually gives me a chance and doesn't dump me for one fucking mistake."

Seeing the cluelessness written all over the Russian woman's face, Alex solved the mystery for her and eventually said, "Vee Parker."

"Vee Parker? Alex, are you serious? You can't trust, did you forget what I told you? That woman is a deceitful snake, she is winding you up. You have to cancel the fight."

Amused by the older woman's words, Alex let out a raspy chuckle before she got up as she was finished getting ready and walked up to Red. When she was standing in front of her, Alex stared her down while she informed her, "Red, you're not my trainer anymore. You can't boss me around anymore. And I know that sucks for you. But… don't you even dare to think of getting in my way. I'm done with you."

Red watched her walking away and saw that the young woman was still her greatest enemy. What she didn't see was how much pain Alex had to carry herself. Even the fact that she was used to being alone didn't lighten her burden.

* * *

Although it wasn't as good as hearing from her herself, Alex found out that Piper was supposed to be finally back in New York. According to the media, she was spotted at the JFK airport the previous night. If Alex hadn't been too stoned, she would've run to the blonde's apartment. Yet, there was also something tragic about the fact that Piper was back. She hasn't called nor texted Alex that she had returned. Maybe that was Piper's way of saying 'stay the fuck away from me' and that she had deleted her voicemail and the brunette as well. Alex was still driven to do the right thing, at least once in her life, and apologise. That was the least she could do, letting Piper know that she was sorry for… for the mess she had made, for the mess she was, for those things she had said, for those she had done, for drawing Piper into her life. Piper might not be perfect, she had her sharp edges as well. Yet, she was an angel and Alex, well, she was the devil. She embodied every bad thing that existed in the world. Addictions, violence, sexual lust, selfishness, heartlessness, pain. No matter where she would go, every place she would leave would be up in flames. And opposites might attract, well, they actually did attract. Yet, angels weren't meant to associate with the devil. Piper probably knew that, too and therefore didn't feel the need to let Alex know that. Yet, Alex only wanted to apologise. So why was Piper ignoring her?

Driven by frustration and the urgent need even Alex herself didn't know where it was coming from to say sorry to Piper, her morning started differently. Instead of going out for a long run to the gym and returning in the late afternoon to take a hot shower and numb her pain and herself, and, in case she would have energy to hook up with a stranger, going out, the brunette changed the order of priorities and prioritised Piper. Taking an unusual long shower which was caused by Alex's clear mind that was free of any influence and finally had some time to work, the thoughts just began to fill her head. She wondered if Piper really didn't give two shits about her and therefore didn't bother herself to respond to her. She wondered if there was a chance that Piper might not have heard her voicemail and was unaware of Alex's attempt to reach her. She wondered why she had this giant urge to apologise, no matter what it would mean. She wondered if she was this selfish that she just needed to prove to herself that she wasn't such a terrible human being. Because she actually did try. It wouldn't be her fault if Piper wasn't going to accept her apology. At least Alex could tell herself that _she had tried._

Although her body would usually ask violently for it, it remained silent when Alex didn't provide it with any of her usual stuff. Her body was more than eager to betray its owner again to get close to Piper, coke, opium and heroine absolutely forgotten. Nonetheless, the brunette looked at her medicine a moment longer before she closed the drawer and made her way over to her front door. She hasn't even drunk coffee. That was how bad she needed to see Piper. That was how much she was thinking about Piper. So much, that the blonde has become her coffee, her opium, her oxygen. She grabbed her leather jacket as the rain was pouring outside and eventually walked out of her apartment.

She stepped out of the huge building and was instantly greeted by annoying paparazzi who were taking pictures of her and bombarding her with questions, mainly asking if the rumor about an upcoming rematch was true. And Alex, as usual, just let them talk and was finally out of the spotlight when she entered the black jeep of her driver. Although her clothes were already soaked, Alex told her driver that they would need to make a stop at a specific place before they would reach the blonde's flat. Even if her apology was going to be in vain and might be too late and absolutely unacceptable, the brunette wanted to apologise properly, will all the trimmings.

When the car she was in finally pulled up into the right alleyway that would hide Alex from the media, she took a deep breath, inhaling the assurance that she was doing the right thing and stepped out of the big car and into the pouring May rain. She entered the building through the backdoor she would always walk through when she would leave the blonde and sneak out and quickly made her way to the stairs. She could have taken the elevator but remembering her past experiences, she preferred to walk. Cold raindrops were rolling over her pale face and dropping from her black hair but she didn't care. If she was able to care at all, the only she would care about in this very moment would be to see Piper, so she could speak to her and tell her those things the model needed to hear. That was why she didn't even feel the wet cold that made her shudder, or the itching desire underneath her skin that would mess with her mind. Because the only thing that could make her shudder, could make her feel something and occupy her mind, making her lose her mind was the woman whose front door Alex was standing at. Tightening her grip around the thing she had bought on her way to Piper, she inhaled deeply again as she knew that, as soon as the door would swing open, she was going to drown.

Knocking at her door instead of using the bell, Alex could already feel the waves building up behind the wood. As she was waiting, she noticed how slow time suddenly seemed to pass, minutes turning into hours and seconds turning into days while her own heart was pounding violently against her ribs. Time didn't move, only her heart. Everything was frozen in time whilst she who was the ice queen herself was actually beginning to melt. Her knuckles met the door a second time, a bit harder because of her own impatience. Alex didn't precisely knew which time it was, she never really did as she wouldn't always be in the clearest state. And her lack of sleep took her last piece of sense of time away. She guessed that it might be around midday as she had gotten out of bed after a long night without much rest nor peace quite early. And coming over to Piper's place was the first thing she did after she had left her apartment. In some way, the brunette was even proud of herself as she was sober in the morning for a change, smoking some crack not the reason why she had managed to get out of her bed. Usually, when she would wake up in the morning, she would wonder why she should even get up. It has become so depressing that her drugs were the only things that gave her a purpose. But her routines have changed, her priorities have changed and her purpose has changed ever since she had met Piper. Yet, it would be all for nothing if her purpose who had the face of an angel was going to fly away and leave her behind.

Before she could knock on the door a second time, the first wave hit her when the door swung open, only enough for Alex to catch a glimpse of the woman behind it. Her hand sank, just like her. Yet, as she was sober and a MMA fighter with fast reflexes, she was quick enough to stop the door with her palm from falling violently into her face. Piper's message was clear. But wasn't Alex's message she had left on the blonde's answering machine clear, too? _Why was Piper acting like this? Maybe she simply hasn't heard my voicemail._

"Piper, Pi-"

Alex couldn't even finish to repeat her name as the golden-haired tried to slam the door into her face again. This time the brunette managed to place her foot within the small gap between the frame and the door, maintaining the small chance to enter Piper's apartment and the even smaller hope for her own salvation.

"Piper, what the… could you stop hitting me… I'm trying to-" the brunette said and stopped herself when she finally felt no more pressure coming from the other side.

"Shit, didn't you listen to my voicemail?" she eventually asked as she somewhat clumsily walked into the oceanic apartment, following Piper who was practically running away from her. And was dragged down to the bottom of the sea by her words.

"Oh, you mean your voicemail that you left me when you were fucking stoned and fucked some other hoe? And blamed _me_ for your drug addiction? Is that the one you're talking about?!"

"What? Wait… is that all that you heard?"

"That's all I needed to hear."

And there she was, again protecting herself. Because of course she heard every single word of Alex's desperate voicemail. But she valued some parts more than others. And as she remembered how the black-haired woman's words had stung her like needles, letting her know how attached she was and how easy it was for Alex to remind her of it, she shielded herself. Whilst the blonde's bad temper already appeared, the other woman knew better and decided to keep calm. _This was all a big misunderstanding._

Inhaling deeply and closing the door behind her, she stared at the back of Piper's head as the younger woman was standing with her back to her. God, she is so fucking stubborn, like a little girl.

"Wait, wait, wait… First things first. Piper, I, I want to apologise to you," she clarified with a calm and careful voice, approaching the blonde.

"Oh please, there's nothing you have to apologise for. You're simply an asshole."

Placing her fogged glasses on the top of her head, Alex stopped herself from rolling her eyes. Yet, she kept calm. "Jesus, kid, you're giving me a headache."

Although her comment was meant to be sarcastic, Piper was far from laughing.

"Excuse me?!"

When she snapped, she turned around as well, her eyes turning into ice and freezing Alex. The expression on the brunette's face swiftly altered as she realised that Piper wasn't furious. She was hurt, disappointed, broken which was way worse. Knowing that Alex was the reason for the other woman's pain, she looked at her, her emerald-eyes trying to find a way to burn the ice and access to Piper's soul. She failed though as Piper broke the stare and shook her head in disbelief.

Sighing because Piper was messing more with her mind than she already had the past weeks, the taller woman rubbed her forehead, looking out of the huge windows behind the blonde. _This was going to be way harder than she had imagined._

"Can we talk?"

When she saw the glare the other woman shot at her, Alex instantly added, "You don't have to say something…well, at least not yet…just listen to me, okay? Look… where do I begin…uh…oh, wait."

The jet-haired woman sucked at many things but she was certain that apologising was by far one of the things she sucked at the most. Taking careful steps towards the woman across from her, Alex lifted her right hand, holding the thing she had bought on her way to Piper out to her.

"Before they're gonna die in my hands… these are for you…"

"Roses? Seriously? That was the best thing you could come up with? Wow," Piper praised her in a tone that let Alex know that she was mocking her.

Letting out another sigh, her calmness luckily still hasn't left her. Alex lowered her hand that was holding the flowers and studied the woman in front of her. It was no secret to her that Piper was a brain-teaser. Nonetheless, Alex was searching for a little window, a small crack in Piper's wall.

"No roses, okay…" she eventually concluded and mentally wrote it down to remember how to say sorry, in case she was going to do that in the future.

Still having found no crack, Alex licked her lips nervously before she began to say, "I think you might have misunderstood something-"

"Of course it's my fault again."

"Jesus, Piper, I'm really trying here, okay?"

"What? What is it that you're trying, Alex?!"

"I'm sorry!"

The last words managed to break some of Alex's calmness as they fell from her lips wrapped up in frustration.

"I'm sorry for those things I said the other night. I didn't mean them… I was just so… _angry_ … and I shouldn't have let my anger out on you. That was wrong… and I'm sorry for being the stoned, stupid, selfish piece of shit I am that is aware of it and still decided to pull you into this fucking mess and… fuck, I really don't know how this works. Look, just know that I'm sorry, okay?"

Silence fell upon them and it was burdening Alex like a thousand bricks. She wanted a reaction from Piper. A word, a motion, a look, anything. But when the blonde eventually reacted, she was more lifeless than Alex has ever seen her.

"Are you done?"

Okay, Piper was definitely testing her patience. Yet, she swallowed her building anger and instead dropped her shoulders as she hit the ground of the ocean.

"Piper, I… I admit that I was wrong and made mistakes, I know that… it's just-" _she didn't expect to stand in front of a zombie._

Her last words remained silent, only being spoken inside of her mind. _Why was Piper like this? Was Alex really that bad at apologising? Was she the one who was misunderstanding something?_

" _Fuck off_."

Those words she thought she needed to hear to peacefully leave Piper alone tore her out of her own questions. And when she heard those words, she realised that she was so damn wrong. Because, when those words came out, Alex realised that they weren't the knife that would cut through the thin yet strong bond between the two of them. They were the knife that pushed right into her chest and carved her ribs, Alex's small revived heart its target.

As iron-flavoured liquidness started to trickle out of her heart, Alex looked at everything but Piper whilst she was slowly shaking her head. She was lost. She was out of control. She was exposed. That was why the following question came out in a soft whisper, "What?"

Unlike Piper's which were filled with brokenness. "You said to me that you would need to hear those words so you would be free. So fuck off, Alex."

Piper was right. Alex had told her that those words would release her. But Alex didn't want to be free. Alex wanted to be a prisoner, a slave, being captured by the woman with the face of an angel.

"Piper, I… I don't understand-"

"What don't you understand?"

"I'm sorry."

"You already said that."

"Because I am."

A groan was the first thing that made Piper look a bit more human again. She stepped up to Alex like a lioness approached its prey in the savannah and began to attack her when she said, "Do you really think that you can just come around and show up at my place, say some nice things that you don't even mean with some fucking flowers and make me forget everything? Are you really taking me for a fool? _Fuck, Alex_ … you tend to fuck things up, that's your thing, that's what you do… but stop playing with me… you think you need to be set free? _You_ are the one who made me a punchbag. _You_ are the one who fucks with me although you're fucking with someone else. And then, when you're fucking high again and in the right mood, you say shit like _I need you_ and _I think about you_ … just because you're in the mood for it… You're a goddamn junkie, Alex! I'll never know if you're being honest with me or if it's the drugs that make you say those things, those things that fuck me up… and then you actually blame _me_ for _your addiction_ … because I'm not around… and then you fuck around because I'm not around… You really love fucking, don't you? I mean, if you were in some way capable of loving, that would be something that you would love. You love to fuck me, you love to fuck me over, you love to fuck strangers who have no name and no worth to you… and while you're fucking them, you're actually fucking me, too… So, please, release me… don't even apologise… just, fuck off."

And then she saw it. She saw how the ice in Piper's eyes melted and filled them up with the following tears. They drowned her orbits, flooding them like waves but Piper didn't let them fall. She wouldn't release them. Not until Alex would release her.

"I told you that I didn't want a relationship."

The sentence simply came out of her mouth, Alex didn't even know where it came from. That was the moment she realised that she was the most fucking selfish person in the whole universe. She didn't get Piper's forgiveness that would have been the only proof for Alex that she wasn't such a bad person. As she didn't get it, she did get that she was the worst person a person could be. Maybe this realisation was the reason the words fell from her lips.

"I wish we never fucked," Piper replied, strangely calm whilst her eyes continued to drown in the ocean of her own tears.

They both could lie, they both could say nasty shit, they both could destroy.

With a final stoic nod, Alex's eyes dropped to the ground as they could no longer bare to look at the tears she had caused. She eventually did as she had been told to and 'fucked off'. But when the door fell shut and the tears began to stream, salting Piper's cheeks, neither of the two were free.

* * *

10 days were left until Alex could live out her dangerous hollowness and release it in the cage. She was going to make sure to break her opponent with her own brokenness. 10 days until the MMA champion Alex Vause was going to turn into a black panther again. 10 days until she would win after she had lost so much, after she had lost Piper. It didn't make sense. Alex barely even knew her, the most things about the model found on the internet. That was why it didn't make sense that this loss was emptying her so much. There was nothing inside of her anymore. Only morphine, heroine, opium and coke. Nothing filled this hole, though. It didn't make sense. It didn't make sense that such a person she knew so little about had taken away so much from her and had turned her into a dead shell. Lifeless, that was the best word to describe her. Although Alex was more than certain to defend her title against Stella Carlin in ten days, she wouldn't care if she lost. Her own morale that had been one of her biggest drive her whole life was dead. Her lust for drugs that had been eating her up her whole life was dead. Her drug abuse has become a prevention for the case she couldn't bear her own emptiness. She didn't even need them to numb herself anymore as she already was. She only used them for those silent seconds that would turn into eternity. Those seconds were deadly. Because in those eternal seconds, her mind would speak up and break the silence inside of her. Her mind would speak up and talk to her. Her mind would remind her that she was the only one to blame, that she was selfish, that she wasn't able to love and in case she would be, her love would be the greatest venom. Her mind would bring up memories of Piper. Of her angelic face, of her bright hair, of her azure eyes, of her soft voice, of her rare smile, or her sweet smell, of her soft hands. And of her pain. Of her tears. Of her misery. And when Alex's mind would remind her of it, the only thing that could be bigger than the black endless hole inside of her would appear. Guilt.

So before it could pull her in and eat her up, Alex decided to end her day that she had spent at the gym with one of her mind-killers. She has also gotten used to the glares she received every time she came to the gym. Damn, she was so empty and so lonely. But before she would have to deal with any of this shit, she walked into her kitchen and grabbed her shit out of one of the drawers. She needed something to silence her mind and erase her loneliness. Something that would take off her burdening emptiness.

Opium found a quick way through her lungs into her system and Alex slowly began to shut off her surroundings whilst she was lying in her big bed. She was lying in a bed she had shared with only one woman. And that woman was gone, for good. _Shit, Alex, don't go this way. Stop thinking._ But it was easier said than done. Even her medicine was struggling to help her. Even her medicine couldn't heal her. Although she had always felt unbreakable, Alex realised that she had been wrong. She has never been unbreakable. She has always been incurable. Piper proved it. Piper broke her. Piper should have cured her but even someone so pure like her who simply lived in the wrong world wasn't able to mend her.

 _Fuck Alex, you're doing it again._

 _Stop talking to someone who doesn't exist._

 _And tell yourself to stop thinking about Piper._

 _Nobody cared if you just disappeared right now, do you know that Alex?_

 _You're worthless, you're loveless, you're lifeless._

 _Nobody's ever going to-_

A knock interrupted her dark thoughts. She thought that she was hallucinating or dreaming. It was late at night, who could be standing on the other of her front door? Alex was certain, she had to be dreaming, her black mind playing tricks on her. She might have fallen asleep, knocked out by her opium and was now wandering through the dark corners of her even darker dreams. That was the only conclusion that made sense. But there was another knock. And another. And another.

At first, she refused to get up. She was so used to being alone, she didn't even know what it was like to talk to someone who wasn't the imaginary creature her drugged mind had made up. But what if she was in a dream right now? What would happen if she did get up? There was no more border between reality and fantasy for her. Nothing felt real anymore. Not ever since…

 _Don't even think of thinking to say that name._

 _(Piper)_

She couldn't even count how many times she heard a knock on her door. Curiosity won her over eventually as the last working piece of her brain wondered who could possibly be waiting outside of her apartment at such an ungodly hour. Like in a dream, Alex's vision was blurry. She didn't have her glasses on but her stoned mind prevented not only itself from focusing but her eyes as well. With every heavy step she took towards her front door, Alex was getting more and more sure that she might have fallen asleep and was dreaming. She could barely move, every motion slow and difficult, like in one of those dreams in which you try to run and scream but couldn't, your limbs too powerless and your pipes too weak.

 _pipes._

 _Pipes._

 _Stop._

 _You took a hit to stop yourself from hitting yourself, Alex._

 _Every thought of her is a punch right into your guts._

 _Remember that instead of the sweet smell of her strawberry shampoo._

 _You did it again._

 _Do you even want to forget her?_

If she hadn't been caught up in her dream, Alex would've silenced her own mind with a scream. But she didn't even try it because you weren't able to yell in a dream. The brunette continued to stroll through her dream and towards the wooden door. Although nobody was knocking on it anymore, the sound of it was still echoing through the phantom that was her life, the phantom of a life that Alex would have been willing to live. A life which included the woman that-

 _You stupid fool._

" _Piper_."

This dream was so dreamlike that it had to be a nightmare. Because, when she said that one name, she actually didn't say it to the invisible doppelgänger of herself, but to the woman who really had that name. The person who had knocked on her door was Piper. That was the final proof for her that her opium was working on her and providing her with situations she would imagine if she was sober. Seeing Piper standing right in front of her, looking like the gorgeous angel with broken wings she has always been, was better than any scenario she would have been able to make up.

Standing glued to her spot, Piper's words numbed her lungs for a second as well, words that were dipped in beautiful agony.

"I know you never will but can you do me a favour, only tonight?"

As if she had forgotten to speak, Alex's lungs were too weak to form any words. Instead, she kept staring at Piper as if she was a ghost, an illusion.

"Love me, love me although I know you never will. Just love me, Alex. Only for tonight."

And she did. She loved Piper when she put her hands around her waist and pulled her into her apartment. She loved Piper when she captured her lips with her own. She loved Piper when she worshipped every inch of her body and every broken piece of her. She loved Piper when she didn't fuck her but made love to her in her lonely bed. It was official. Alex was dreaming. Because she was capable of it, she was worth of it. She was able to love someone.

 _Listen, ma, I'll give you all I got_  
 _Get me off of this, I need confidence in myself,_  
 _Listen, ma, I'll give you all of me_  
 _Give me all of it, I need all of it to myself_  
 _So tell me you love me,_  
 _Only for tonight, only for tonight_  
 _Even though you don't love me_  
 _Just tell me you love me_  
 _I'll give you what I need, I'll give you all of me_  
 _Even though you don't love me_

* * *

 _I'm actually kinda proud of myself because I managed to upload a new chapter quicker than the previous ones. Fine, it's slightly shorter but I think the next one's gonna be up next month so I wanted to give you something to shorten the next wait... Honestly? Even I myself don't even know where all this angst is coming from, it simply happens to be there, ha. Anyways, please keep leaving reviews. I really read every single one of them and the ones for the last chapter were more than interesting! Please don't hesitate to speak your mind and share your honest opinion with me! It was so interesting to find out that you actually have different views regarding the Alex-Piper relationship. Even if you feel the need to complain or to criticise me or my writing or if there are things that make you say 'What the actual fuck?!', don't hold back. I appreciate every kind of criticism. And the more honest, the better. However, I hope you guys are not getting too frustrated or fed up with these two women. Trust me, although they seem to walk backwards and increase the distance between them with every step they take towards each other, they're closer than they seem...  
_


	11. Kiss It Better

_Shit, I'm sorry for this painfully long wait. I hope the length and content of this chapter make up for it... Xx_

* * *

 _Chapter 11: Kiss It Better  
_

"And in the end, we were all just humans, drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." _\- Christopher Poindexter_

 _A model. A trophy. A pretty face. One in a million. Replaceable. Shallow. Those were the things Piper saw in everyone's eyes when they'd look at her and how they made her feel. Every guy she's ever been with only wanted to show her off. Because she was a model. She was getting paid tons of money for being beautiful. And her expensive good looks were the reason men were interested in her. And her famous name and famous face were the reason agencies and designers hired her. In the end, every person turned her into a thing, a thing everyone else could profit from. Her boyfriends could make their friends jealous and designers could promote their clothes incredibly easily if the blonde presented them at fashion shows. She belonged to the world. And the world loved the things Piper could offer, it loved the things they could take away from her. That was why she was so empty and lifeless. But Piper was a professional, she has always been. She couldn't complain about it. The world was her master, and her prison. It shackled her and ever since Alex has been gone for good, the chains have been tighter than before. Especially on this day when she met Tyler, no longer being able to avoid him as the contract between the two of them has still been official. She had insisted to see him in the presence of their agents, and they did, Tyler playing his part perfectly and acting like the gentleman he wasn't. Piper had an intention, though. She wanted to somehow find a way out of the deal._

 _Back then, when she had signed it, she had been angry. And jealous. And not professional at all. Alex had been hooking up with other girls whilst Piper hadn't been there to do so and it had made her feel sick. Sick because she hadn't been in the position to be envious. But the jet-haired woman had gotten under her skin and had already had a deep hold of her. Controlled by the things Alex had made her feel, Piper had wanted payback and eventually gotten herself into this mess that was the contract. Although bad news were better than good news in the media, the model had wanted to clean her image. And at that point, she hadn't known that Tyler Durden was the complete opposite of the person he pretended to be. So she found herself in this situation she was in and it reminded her of how much Alex got her fucked up. If she had never met her, she would've never gotten into this mess. And although Alex had made it clear that she was sorry for it, it didn't change her situation. It would take Piper some time though to realise that she herself wouldn't be able to release herself. As much as the green-eyed woman had gotten her fucked up, at the same time she was the only one who was going to fix this mess she had made._

 _"Don't leave me alone with him, okay?"_

 _"What?"_

 _"Stay beside me."_

 _"Piper, are you okay?"_

 _Her agent didn't know. Nobody knew. Only Alex did, she was the the blonde's witness. The rest didn't know Tyler Durden's real face. All of them were blinded, just like Piper once had been and fell for the facade he was putting up. And whilst the facade Piper was putting up meant to protect her, his was meant to fool other people. What was even worse was that his was at least as good as Piper's, if not even better._

 _"Piper?"_

 _She heard her agent's question but she wasn't really listening. It was late, the evening about to turn into a warm summer night when the model and her agent were in the car and driving to the meeting. Due to their busy schedules, neither parties had been able to come to an earlier meeting. If it had been up to Piper, there wouldn't have been a meeting with him in the first place. She just wanted to get it over with so she could peacefully return to her lifeless life. Without Alex. Even after everything, the blonde would still catch herself thinking about her. Her mind would nearly overdose as she was having so many Alex-thoughts. If she hadn't been the professional she was, she would probably even go to the upcoming MMA fight, watching Alex from afar in the big crowd, perfectly hidden._

 _"Piper?"_

 _Her own name falling from the other woman's lips in a way that didn't sound as good as the way it would fall from Alex's soft lips eventually made her aware of her situation. Finding herself sitting in the car next to her agent, her blue gaze stopped looking through the darkened windows, looking for something, and settled on her companion. Raising her brows, she looked more exhausted than she already was. Lately, she was traveling from one state to another, flying from one photoshoot to another and it left some marks on her face. She wasn't sleeping well, knowing that it was due to her job and not knowing that in those short nights, sleep wasn't the only thing she was missing._

 _"Hm?" the blonde asked, letting her agent know that she finally had Piper's attention._

 _"Is everything alright?"_

 _No._

 _Nothing is alright._

 _"Yes," Piper lied with a forced smile before her eyes dropped and her fear broke through inside of them. "Just tired."_

 _The blonde didn't even take special trouble to hide her worries as her agent was part of the huge swarm that believed everything they saw and heard. And if her agent didn't care for her, she wouldn't have questioned Piper's statement. Their relationship was mainly professional. Yet, through the years she has been working for the model, they have established an easy friendship. That was why she said, "Yeah, you've been traveling a lot lately. I hope it's not too much stress for you."_

 _It apparently wasn't too much stress because, if it had been, Piper wouldn't have been able to still find some time to think about Alex._

 _"Don't worry, Jane."_

 _Her agent gave her a warm smile which Piper really wanted to return. In the end it was just a lift from one corner of her lips though._  
 _"Why are you nervous?" Jane suddenly asked, making Piper looking at her with confusion._

 _When she saw the look on the blonde's face, she quickly added, "Ever since we've gotten into the car you've been moving your hands."_

 _Shooting a glare at her hands as if she wanted to scold them for being a traitor, her eyes instantly fell back on Jane when the model heard her say, "I'm not gonna leave you alone with him."_

 _The rest of the ride remained silent, her agent not once asking why Piper had nearly pleaded her not to leave her. Maybe Jane wasn't one of those other people. Maybe Jane was one of those few people who saw the bigger picture. It reminded her of Alex who was able to look past everything and everyone as well. And this reminded her of the fact that she was thinking about the black-haired an awful lot._

 _Her thoughts were shoved back into the back of her head when the car eventually came to a halt, letting the two women know that they have arrived. The meeting was set at some fancy hotel in Manhattan and Piper was relieved when she could get out of the car without being bothered by any paparazzi as her driver had parked the car in a secluded area in the hotel's car park. The door opened and the model needed a moment before she eventually got out of the car, straightening her blouse and instantly looking to the other side of, checking if her agent was really with her. Seeing that the other woman gave her a nod when she left the car as well was the closest to security and relief Piper could feel._

 _"I'm glad that you found some time, Ms Chapman," a short man in a casual suit said to her, shaking her hand, when the two women reached the suite of the hotel they were supposed to meet. She wondered if he knew Tyler Durden._

 _The last steady breath escaped from her lungs as her blue gaze landed on the delusive face that was Tyler's. He approached her, wrapping his strong arms that were rather dangerous than protective around Piper's lank body and whispered, "I know everything."_

 _Suddenly, the promise Jane had given her lost its meaning, knocked out by Tyler's quiet words. He released her from his grip, dropping his arms slowly, on their way wandering over the blonde's back and bottom. Piper was still frozen as she hadn't hugged him back and stood frozen in the doorway, his words which were only meant for her own ears as she was also the only who could understand them violently crashing against the sides of Piper's mind. She didn't need to ask. She already knew what he was talking about, what he knew._

 _The model quickly looked over her shoulder when she could break free from her paralysed state and saw that her agent was still behind her, seeing her silhouette from the corner of her blue eye before Piper took a some steps forward to walk further into the room. Jane's presence wouldn't help her in any way._

 _After they sat down at the glass table, the chandeliers from the ceiling illuminating the room as the sun had already set, Piper's stomach began to turn more than it had before. It was crazy how Tyler's words, only his thereness was effecting her this much. She could nearly see the poison that was running through his entire being filled the air. He was siting across from and luckily, the tabletop was big enough to keep a firm distance between them. Remembering how she once had almost slept with him created another knot inside of her. Alcohol made you do stupid things. Drugs made you do stupid things. Jealousy made you do stupid things. Hate made you do stupid things. And love, love simply killed you. But love was a topic that Piper believed would never be a topic when it came to Alex. Love didn't drive her into her arms. She blamed her loneliness. And her pain. Because when she was with the jet-haired woman, she would forget about those things. As she realised that she began to think about her again and knew that it would go too deep, she fought to focus on the conversation._

 _"So, again, thanks for coming. I guess I'd do us all a favour if we just cut right to the chase of the matter as we all are very busy. It's about what happened at Mr. Durden's birthday party, involving a certain Alex Vause and how it all affected our arrangement-"_

 _"I don't understand how Alex Vause's actions involve my client" Jane interrupted her who didn't know._

 _She didn't know that Piper and Alex had occasionally been hooking up in the past and that Piper had been the reason Tyler was sitting at this table with a broken nose. Unlike Tyler, she knew nothing._

 _Tyler's agent laughed nervously, shooting a glance at the taller man next to him who was simply staring silently at the model. Although his face was empty, Piper saw the craziness behind it._

 _"Well, Ms Chapman was at the party as well-"_

 _"I know. I was there when Piper signed the contract to be Mr Durden's fake girlfriend."_

 _Even though Piper appreciated Jane's protectiveness, she knew that it would be in vain. She didn't know. She knew nothing._

 _"Yes, and as Tyler's fake girlfriend, she was and is still supposed to act like a girlfriend."_

 _"I don't understand," her agent eventually stated, her eyes falling on Piper shortly before they returned on the man across from her._

 _"She left the party after Alex Vause had attacked Mr Durden and injured him. With Alex Vause. And a couple days later at the award show, she left the event, too. With Alex Vause."_

 _"I didn't leave with her," Piper instantly clarified, memories of that night she didn't want to think about flashing in front of her eyes._

 _Her sudden words made Tyler raise a brow at her as his stare intensified. But Piper ignored it. At least, she tried._

 _"No matter with who Piper left and didn't leave, I still don't understand what the problem is. Behind closed doors, Piper and your client are strangers. Their romantic relationship is only meant to be displayed in public. So, what's the point?"_

 _Again, the short man gave Tyler a nervous look, seeming completely lost and afraid and cleared his throat. But it wasn't his voice that said, "The point is that people saw that Piper left me, for a stupid junkie. Although she is supposed to be my girlfriend. She defied our contract."_

 _"How?"_

 _She didn't know._

 _She knew nothing._

 _He knew everything._

 _"Our arrangement was mainly meant to clean Piper's image, are you following me? However, she shitted on it again."_

 _She knew nothing. He knew everything._

 _"Excuse me?"_

 _With a wicked grin, Tyler realised, "You don't know, do you? Piper didn't tell you."_

 _Jane frowned, looking to her side at Piper and searched for an explanation which she eventually got._

 _"The media might believe that Piper is my girlfriend. Or, at least it once did before Piper decided to be Alex Vause's girlfriend."_

 _She knew._

 _Eventually, all eyes settled on the model who was staring through the glass of the table, trying to avoid their gazes and having to deal with them. Her own azure eyes shot up when she heard her agent say, "Piper fulfilled her part of the contract. It's none of anyone's business who is Piper's girlfriend or boyfriend and who isn't behind closed doors. The media believes that you are a couple. That was the only the goal of the arrangement. Anything else is off-topic. So, why are we here Mr Durden?"_

 _She didn't know._

 _She knew nothing._

 _Letting out a pathetic chuckle, Tyler shook his head as he explained, "I guess there's a misunderstanding, Miss. Piper did not fulfill her part of the contract. She defied it. Piper agreed to act like my girlfriend in her interest because the public found out that our lovely model of the moment was having dirty affairs. With women. And now she has an affair with a woman again who happens to be Alex Vause who was physically abusive towards me. We're back at the start, don't you see? We're running in circles."_

 _Shaking her head, Jane huffed, getting fed up with this discussion that made no sense to her._ _"Well Mr Durden, as I already said, it's none of anyone's business who Piper sees and meets behind closed doors. I thought we wanted to cut to the chase. So, what's the real issue here?"_

 _Exaggeratedly, Tyler let himself back into his chair when he laughed again. Although Piper was more than grateful for her agent's defensive behaviour, the blonde knew that it would only backfire. Jane promised to stay with her during this meeting but Tyler would get his chance to drop his mask. And his anger behind it was only increased by Jane's words. Actually, she just wanted to tell her to shut up. But Piper was only an observer, watching this conversation she had no influence on from far away, and, when it would be over, she'd be the protagonist of it, having to face the antagonist that was sitting across from her._

 _"The issue is that Ms Chapman wasn't careful enough. She forgot who she belongs to, whom she belongs to."_

 _She belonged to the world._

 _The world was her master, and her prison._

 _"You don't own Piper if that's what you're trying to say Mr Durden."_

 _"Officially, I do," he responded to Jane whilst Piper was too paralysed to move, and too mute to speak._

 _"Pardon!?"_

 _Slowly and yet predictably, Jane started to lose her temper, Tyler's words fire to her professional coolness._

 _"Piper is officially my girlfriend-"_

 _"In public," she cut him off._

 _Letting out a sigh, her agent tiredly said, "You're just wasting our time. This is either tell us what the real issue is, if there even is an issue or we leave immediately."_

 _Like a maniac, he smirked, his light eyes darkened by his sadistic core when he casually stated, "Our arrangement will be over in less than a month. If Piper decides to disrespect it again, we will extend it."_

 _"You can't do that."_

 _Jane._

 _Shut up._

 _If you want to help me, shut up._

 _With another smirk, he eventually got up, his darkened eyes between his swollen nose that yet again reminded her of Alex moving from Jane onto Piper. They settled on the model and he gave her final nod as he stated, "We warned you."_

 _And then he walked away, followed by his agent whilst Jane shook her head in disgust before she turned to look at the blonde._

 _"Did this just really happen?"_

 _Piper held her gaze and although silence surrounded them for a moment, she found her way out of her mute and numb state with a deep breath. "I want to go home."_

 _Rapidly, almost throwing over her chair, the model got up and headed with heavy steps to the door. It seemed to be over. But it wasn't over. It was only the calm before the storm. Nevertheless, she tried to escape._

 _"Piper?" she heard her calling out her name but it didn't stop Piper's quick movements._

 _"Hey."_

 _A hand wrapped around her slim wrist and as a reflex, the golden-haired woman violently shook it off. When she turned around, she saw that the hand was no chain. It was only Jane's hand that was meant to calm her down._

 _"What is going on?"_

 _She knew nothing._

 _He knew everything._

 _"Nothing."_

 _"Piper-"_

 _"Nothing."_

 _This time, the word came out harder, sharper, louder, making the seven letters strong enough to make Jane understand to accept Piper's lie._  
 _On their way to the carpark, neither of the two women caught glimpse of Tyler. It was almost terrifying how he seemed to just have disappeared. But Piper knew he didn't. As they sat down in the backseat of the black car, Piper's door fell shut while the other woman's was stopped from it._  
 _The face of a young woman who was apparently working at the hotel as she was dressed in its uniform showed up, informing Piper's agent that she had forgotten something in the suite._

 _"I'll be right back," was the last thing the model heard Jane say before she left her._

 _She heard how the door closed and found herself sitting alone in the car as her driver Gerald was outside, standing a few meters away from the vehicle. The back of her head met the headrest and, although her eyes were closed, she saw how the watch hand was slowly moving in front of her. She might make it. It might be over. No more Alex. That was the only condition. If she behaved and stayed away from the dark-haired woman, she'd be free in less than a month. Piper has never met a person before that could affect her life so much even when that person wasn't around. Even when Alex wasn't really with her, wasn't exactly next to her, her absence was enough. Enough to make Alex present in her life. She wondered if she would ever disappear._

 _Suddenly, the car moved and when the blonde heard how a door fell shut, her eyes fluttered open and let Piper know that she was right. It wasn't over._

 _"Finally we can speak in private."_

 _Looking through the window to look for her driver, he added, "He bestowed privacy on us."_

 _Gerald's look on his face that he was giving her was saying something different. At least, Piper could tell herself that was right. She had seen it coming._

 _"Honestly Pipe, what do you see in her? Besides pills and cocaine."_

 _He was staring holes into her profile whilst she was staring paralysed ahead, trying to avoid his gaze and his question._

 _"She's a fuck-up, Piper, a crackhead, everyone knows that. She doesn't even try to hide it."_

 _Although Piper would call her an asshole, although Alex herself would call herself a fuck-up, she hated it when Tyler called her so. She couldn't tell if she was being selfish, feeling like the only person who was in the position to talk about Alex in such a way, or if she was being protective of her. She didn't know. All she knew was that he knew everything._

 _"And yet, you feel like you need to waste your precious time on someone like her. Look, you messed up, you know? You've got yourself into this position and, if you really want me to help you, stop fucking around with her and stop fucking up."_

 _Towards the end of his words, his voice raised and his stare intensified, letting out the first parts of his anger that was the only real thing about him._  
 _"Look at me when I'm talking to you."_

 _She was numb, mute, paralysed, her lungs begging for air._

 _"Piper."_

 _Her name came out like a lashing. She eventually looked at him and saw an apologetic smile creeping upon his face as he raised his brows._

 _"Why do you surround yourself with such people? Look, you're pretty, you have a pretty face, a pretty body, you could have anyone in this whole damn world. And still, you go to a violent hophead that doesn't hesitate to lay hands on someone. Piper, you're a model, flawless like a doll. That's all you'll ever be. Is that why you go to her? Because you're only a pretty face on long legs? Not worth of anything? You're nothing Piper. You're nothing when you're with her. I know that it's hard to find someone who loves you for more than your looks but, that's all you can offer. Nothing else. And you know that, right? And she gives you some high, dirty love because that is all you will ever get and makes you forget that nobody will ever really love you. Because you're just a model. Because you're nothing. Do you still believe that being everybody's darling makes them fall in love with you? C'mon Piper. The pretty little princess that only deserves the love of a beast."_

 _Shifting slightly closer, he concluded, "I get it, Pipe, I really do. You're lonely. And she's there… but don't you dare to shit on my help or to embarrass me in any way again."_

 _She still looked at him, holding his sick gaze when he eventually dropped his head and pulled back, about to step out of the car. Before he left, he looked at the blonde one last time and told her, "Enjoy your last days with the junkie. She'll be in jail in a couple of weeks."_

 _And with that, the sound of how the door closed filled the inside of the car. Piper became an observer, the words she had just heard flying around in front of her. She didn't even notice when her agent came back with her forgotten purse or how the car began to drive. She only noticed how he drove her into her arms._

 _The world was her master, and her prison. And Alex was her wallbreaker, and her chainbreaker._

* * *

There were two options. One, she was still dreaming or two, she hadn't been dreaming at all. Because when her emerald eyes opened, she was still here. She was awake, lying next to her and staring at her hands which were on her stomach. She was still here and Alex was awake. It hadn't been a dream. The opium hadn't played tricks on her mind. Piper really had come to her place the previous night and really had said those words. It was real. It was real and although the woman next to her was already up, she hasn't left. Alex had a bunch of questions and they all were carried by one single question. Was Alex in the position to ask any of those questions? Lately, they've been talking more than they once had but every word they exchanged would still be able to provoke a fight. Yet, Alex really wanted to know. She cared. She cared to know what had broken Piper this much that she had turned to the most loveless person that existed. She asked Alex for the impossible. And apparently, Alex had done the impossible. Because Piper was still here, she was lying next to her in the brunette's bed. Although her apartment had once been her sacred cave that no one else except the people who were dear to her were allowed to enter, she no longer minded letting Piper in. The blonde was the first woman Alex shared her bed with. And it didn't bother Alex anymore. So, in conclusion, didn't she have a right to know why Piper used her as her shelter? They never defined their 'relationship'. It was a thing which simply existed. Nonetheless, this thing didn't contain feelings… did it? How was Alex supposed to know that if she herself didn't even contain feelings. At least she thought she didn't.

However, she kept staring at the beauty only inches next to her. Mirroring the other woman's position, Alex kept lying on her back as well, only her head turned to the side. And although she had done it a thousand times before and should know her body inside out, she studied her nevertheless. Her gold waves, her sculptured profile, her dark eyebrows, her kissable lips and even though she was as beautiful as always, Alex saw the dark cloud hanging above her. Something was wrong, something had happened. And Alex needed to know what. Because she cared. Fuck, she really cared.

Her green gaze remained on her, moving slightly down to land on Piper's hands. If there was one thing Alex had learned about the woman next to her, it was the fact that every time she was flustered, she didn't know what to do with her hands. So Piper would always begin to fumble at her own hands, her slender fingers gripping around her other fingers or intertwining her own hands to tear them apart again. And Alex wanted to reach for one of her nervous hands and hold it to calm it down. Eventually, she didn't though because it would remind her that she cared. Yet, Piper needed her comfort, at least she had last night. But the night was over and the burning morning fell on them, and the brunette wondered if it would tear them apart as it usually did. Piper was by her side, though. She hadn't left. She had asked Alex to love her, although she knew that Alex was never capable of it. Deep down, a silent voice was trying to tell them that they both had been wrong. If the raven-haired woman wouldn't have let opium take over control, and if Piper hadn't been too desperate, they both would have heard that voice.

The silence was still between them and around them, filling Alex's bedroom and the short yet strong distance between the two of them. Only the brunette's eyes on Piper were able to break it. But Piper still hasn't moved, caught somewhere between her delirium and reality. She was aware that Alex was awake as well. She was aware of her piercing eyes on her. Nonetheless, she remained stiff, her hands and her heart the only things that were actually moving. Because she thought that she was just another number to Alex. She was just another faceless, nameless hook-up to her. She would know that she was wrong though if she saw the way Alex was looking at her. The emerald-eyed woman knew that Piper used her to forget about her loneliness or her brokenness or both. But the blonde didn't know that Alex willingly let herself be used by her. Alex didn't care. Because she cared. If Piper saw the way the woman next to her was looking at her, she wouldn't believe her own eyes. Because she would see that Alex cared.

And yet, she mistook her silence, unbeknownst to her that the brunette simply didn't know how to talk to her, how to ask her if she was okay. So she kept trying to ignore her to avoid a confrontation. Alex wasn't someone who comforted people. If she were, she would say something Piper concluded. And neither did the brunette deal with feelings. Because she had none, she hadn't failed to make that clear to Piper. Their closure was only physical and would never be anything else. And yet, Alex was the only one who was there for her when she needed someone. Or was everyone there for her but the only one Piper really needed was Alex? No, that's impossible. But Jane tried to be there for her, didn't she? She supported her when they had met the person that drove Piper into the arms of the woman next to her. Because Alex was… Alex. No matter how much anyone could try, only Alex could give her what she needed. Because Alex was what she needed. And this realisation tore the oxygen out of her lungs because, although Alex might want Piper, she didn't need her. The only thing Alex needed and would ever need were her drugs. And she wasn't wrong, Alex did need her drugs more than anything. But Piper was her greatest drug, poison and cure at the same time that always left the brunette craving for more. She was Alex's own personal drug. And if they just talked, she would know that.

But instead, Piper kept fumbling with her hands whilst Alex watched her as if she were far away and not right beside her. Maybe that was the problem. Although they would be next to each other, neither of the two would really be there because, while Alex would be too high, Piper would be too deep in her own loneliness. Yet right in this moment, the dark-haired woman was sober. She could be there. And she eventually was.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

There they finally were, those words that cut the silence. Even though it didn't surprise the blonde that Alex knew that something had happened the other night as the taller woman could read her, it did surprise her that Alex asked. Maybe she wasn't just another number to her.

When she answered after another moment of silence, her mouth didn't speak up but attacked Alex's as she rolled on top of her. That was their pillow talk. Fighting and fucking. And right now, Piper needed the latter. The bare flesh of her body collided with Alex's whilst the woman underneath her was the only thing she consumed. At first, she felt that the brunette didn't really return the kiss, her soft lips not moving against hers. Although Piper was wondering why Alex was so numb underneath her, her thoughts dissolved into thin air when she felt a hand wrapping around her neck and sharp teeth sucking onto her bottom lip. Alex finally gave in and pulled the woman above her closer whilst her other hand settled onto her hip. Their kiss intensified with every second and, although it was rather hot and desperate, judged by the way Piper's tongue was fighting with Alex's, it was gentle nevertheless. Because if that was the only way Alex could be there for Piper, she let her willingly use her. So she let her body speak and let her cold thumb run over Piper's cheek whilst the other woman was holding onto her with her lips.

She felt how she got pushed deeper into the mattress of her bed by every kiss. They broke apart, only so the blonde could move south and sucked onto the ivory skin of Alex's neck as Piper's warm hand grabbed one of the other woman's boobs. It made Alex shiver, every touch incredibly intense as she was totally sober and therefore absolutely aware of everything. Of Piper's lips, Piper's hands, Piper's knee between her thighs, Piper's attempt to avoid any conversation, Piper's issues. That was why she was absolute mush underneath her, especially when hands wrapped around her wrists and pinned her against the sheets. She could barely move and wasn't in control, something that usually made her panic but in Piper's hands, hands that were so warm and so soft, she was willing to give up and give in. Yet why, what changed?

They were about to have sex, something they had had a dozen times and still, ever since last night, it was different. Piper's hands were more tender than usual and, although they were still burning her white skin, it didn't set her on fire but rather warmed her. Damn, her hands were so soft. Unlike her sharp teeth that were biting onto the brunette's neck. And although it branded her, making the blood boil within her, she didn't flinch. Because it was still different and Alex was eager to find out why.

As Piper trailed kisses along her neck towards Alex's chest, her icy hands still held in place by Piper's, her back jumped of from the mattress when the woman on top of her captured a nipple with her hot mouth, her even hotter tongue circling around it. The things the blonde was doing to her made it hard for her to keep quiet, something that had never been a challenge for her. But, as Alex had already known, Piper could break anything. Her routines, her habits… fuck, even her heart to bring it back to life again. Goddamn, I'm fucked up.

The dark-haired woman bit onto her bottom lip, knowing damn well that Piper was testing her. Because the way the model's mouth sucked onto her nipple whilst her knee was moving against the highly sensitive nerves between her legs was fighting to elicit a noise from her. But only her body was meant to speak so it began to tremble to the rhythm of her heartbeat as the back of her head sank deeper into her pillow. Although this was so much better than talking, Alex's need to know what had happened to Piper wasn't gone. It was simply overshadowed by her growing need to get off. And the blonde needed her as well and she definitely didn't miss an opportunity to show her this as her right hand released Alex's hand and brushed over the sensitive skin of her side, the touch like a feather and yet intense like fire. Especially when this hand was dangerously close to the throbbing heat between her legs when it gripped around her thigh.

As if Piper was waiting for it, she finally heard a moan falling from the brunette's lips and its beautiful sound actually pulled her hand closer to her clit. "Fuck," Alex hissed between gritted teeth and that was when the blonde knew that nobody, no one else, but her touched Alex like she did, fucked Alex like she did, knew Alex's body like she did. Those other girls had nothing on her. They were just some bimbos that got to spend some time with Alex, only to be abandoned by the emerald-eyed woman. So, as Piper was taking over control, was given control by Alex, and had the power to turn Alex into beautiful mush, she knew that she wasn't one of those nameless bimbos. And somewhere deep down, she hoped that she wasn't a nameless bimbo. She didn't want to be a nameless bimbo. Although she didn't know why, she didn't want to get caught up in her own thoughts but rather drown in the woman underneath her. So she began to trace the lines of the lips between Alex's thighs with her slender fingers as she released Alex's nipple. With a smug expression on her face, she looked up and saw that the brunette was completely hers. Her green eyes were closed, her neck tensed, her head thrown back and buried in the pillow, her free hand gripping onto the sheets. She was hers.

After the sight underneath her took her breath away, Piper's attention fell back onto Alex's desperate body. Her hand was still between the brunette's legs, touching wet folds. Making her way south, she made sure that her chin hit Alex's tensed abdomen, marking her route before her face was eventually between the brunette's thighs. Piper's hand let go of the other woman's hand that had been pinned against the mattress and wrapped around Alex's leg whilst her other still teased the brunette, her fingers nudging her inner lips. With every touch the blonde saw how goosebumps adorned the ivory skin of the woman underneath her, replacing the moans she fought to hold back. As Piper's face was close to her throbbing heat, Alex could feel the blonde's breath against it and she had never felt more boneless, the last piece of composure leaving her body.

"Piper," she breathed out, letting her know that she needed her.

Her desperate confession was successful as a slender finger entered her and she felt the nudge of the tip of a wet tongue on her clit. Every fibre of her being tensed at this touch, making her back jump up and her lungs pressing out a low breath while her knuckles turned white from gripping onto her sheets. She never felt so much. Sex had never been this intense for her before Piper. Before Piper, sex had been different, sex with all those different women had been different. She hadn't let any of them tease her, she hadn't let any of them touch certain parts of her body, she hadn't given any of them control, she hadn't felt a damn thing. They had made her come, at least a few of them but it had been difficult for them. Unlike for Piper who apparently only needed to breathe against her skin to make her lose her complete composure and her need grow immensely. Some might wonder why she had had so many one-night stands if nearly no one had been able to fuck her properly. Sometimes, Alex was wondering about this, too. Maybe it was the drugs that increased her sexual drive, maybe it was that, as Piper might have already figured out, Alex simply really liked fucking. Or maybe it was some deep depressing reason behind it. That, if Alex didn't get any emotional closeness, the least she would get was physical closeness. Because no one bothered to get under her skin so why would she bother to bare her soul if she could as well just bare her body? She was more than a drug-addict, more than a hot body, more than a lone wolf. But apparently, those other things she could be and could give were things no one wanted. Except Piper?

Finally, Piper captured her and began to suck onto the sensitive bundle of nerves that have already been waiting for the blonde's tongue. Her touches were simply overwhelming, driving Alex insane who was getting closer to just let go. Instead, the control freak inside of her released the sheets and found golden waves, getting tangled up in them. The strong grip on her hair reminded Piper that she could do anything to Alex. She could use her, possess her, drive her wild. Alex wouldn't care. Because she cared.

As her shoulders were right next to Alex's thighs, holding them apart, Piper could feel how the brunette's body was trembling. So, in order to elicit another ecstatic reaction from the woman underneath her, Piper added instantly two fingers and picked her pace up as well. A raw curse escaped Alex's mouth that was quiet yet strong enough for Piper to hear. This was another trait that proved that they two were their opposites. Whilst the blonde wouldn't torture herself even more and wouldn't keep quiet, Alex would bottle everything up and fight to keep her composure. But her shaking body made Piper sure that at the end, the brunette would yell, she would let it out. She would no longer swallow her moans, nor her emotions. Those were things only the model was able to elicit. Something nobody ever accomplished.

Fingers gripped even tighter around her soft hair as Piper's mouth licked, kissed, consumed, tasted, devoured the dark-haired woman who would reach her climax any second. The ecstasy of the things she was feeling took her over, making her feel high and drunk at the same time. Everything she would do now, everything she would say now would be out of her control. Her lungs struggled to supply her with oxygen as the only thing she was capable of inhaling was the woman between her legs. Breaths came out unsteady, reminding Alex that she could just give in and give up.

She nearly came out of her daze when Piper's fingers left her, only to make space for the blonde's tongue that made her walls and mastery immediately crumble. It pushed deeper and faster into her and Alex was sure she would pass out every moment if she kept holding back. Only a few wet thrusts later, she eventually did. Her back arched up, her hand turned into a fist around Piper's hair, her neck was covered in veins as she said the other woman's name so loudly. The only thing inside of her was Piper's tongue that slowed down its motion as Piper didn't want to tear the other woman away from her climax. Breathing heavily, her chest rose and fell quickly whilst Alex was struggling to calm down. The heaviness of her organs fell upon her and she dropped her head onto the pillow again and her boneless body never felt emptier. But it was a good empty feeling. Unlike this other empty feeling she had when Piper… wasn't around. Internally, she hoped that her deep thoughts about the blonde were only caused by the heavenly orgasms Piper could give her. Only Piper. It was just random that the model happened to be the only who was able to do this… wasn't it? This was absolutely physical and Alex wasn't confusing sexual needs with emotional needs. Their relationship was strictly corporal. She needed Piper's body, not Piper. Yet, why was the first appropriate thought she could form to ask Piper what had broken her so much that she had come to her?

The taste of herself ripped her out of her thoughts as the blonde locked her lips with hers. She had been so deep in her thoughts that she hadn't even noticed the moment Piper's tongue left her, only to collide with her own. Piper's hands wrapped around her neck, destroying any proximity between them so that their bare fronts met, making Alex shiver again. The blonde's legs were surrounded by hers, bumping against another as Alex put her hands on her slim waist to pull the woman above her impossibly closer. She wasn't a bottom, she had never been but if Piper wanted her to be beneath her, she suddenly didn't mind. If someone saw her right now and could read her thoughts, they would call Alex whipped. But she wasn't aware of her submissive behaviour, fine with doing everything Piper asked her to or did to her. Neither was she aware of her heart-eyes that looked up at Piper when they pulled apart. Whilst her green gaze searched for the bluest blue that made Alex feel so blue, Piper's eyes landed on the other woman's swollen lips. If Piper just looked at her, she would see that she was no longer a trophy. If Piper just looked at her, she would see that Alex was falling deeply, irretrievably, irrevocably in love with her. It was the most inevitable thing in the whole world. She would see that Alex had been the first to break the promise they were going to give each other.

When a cold hand rested on her cheek, Piper still avoided Alex's gaze as she told her, nearly whispering, "I have to go."

Without having time to blink an eye, Alex instantly asked, "Do you?"

"Yes."

"So you're not gonna tell me what happened?"

As she realised that Alex hadn't forgotten about it and actually bothered herself to find out what had happened the other night, her azure eyes shot up at her and were barely strong enough to hold Alex's gaze although it was nothing but soft.  
"I don't know what you mean"

"Seriously?"

"Nothing happened."

"It wasn't nothing that brought you here after you broke this thing off between us."

"Ever thought that you're not the only one who likes to fuck?"

"Ever thought that you can talk to me?"

"Alex."

"Piper."

"Forget about it, okay?"

She brushed Piper's cheek with her thumb when she saw that her blue eyes dropped again. Seeing that Piper avoided her gaze another time, the brunette eventually pulled her hand back, again not knowing how to talk to the woman that was still above her.

"It's about him, isn't it?" Alex eventually spoke, having known the whole time that it had to do something with Tyler. "What did he do to you?"

No matter if it was jealousy, possessiveness or plain protectiveness, Alex knew that she cared about this broken angel and if she wasn't flying away the whole time, the black-haired woman would embrace her.

Piper shook her head whilst her fingertips began to run over Alex's collarbone, her eyes fixed on the spot. "Don't bother about it, Alex."

"What if I want to bother about it?"

"You don't need to."

Memories of the night when Alex had brought a hammered Piper home came to her mind, causing her to say, "Why is it so hard for you to let someone help you?"

She saw how blue eyes shot up at her as if they checked if Alex had really just asked her that. They fell onto Alex's collarbone in an instant again though and when Piper didn't break the silence, the brunette added, "Piper, I-"

"Miss Alex _I-don't-answer-calls-nor-door-bells_ Vause, where the damn hell-Crap."

Turning her head to the side, Alex saw her mother standing in the doorway. While Piper was still on top of her. In her bed, in her bedroom, in her apartment. And her own mother witnessed it. Suddenly, she felt like a teenager who just got caught and saw how Diane stared at them for a second before she turned around and walked quickly out of the room. The brunette didn't feel ashamed of her mum walking in on them. Yet, she knew what was waiting for her on the other side of the door. And that was way worse.

"Was that your mum?" Piper asked her as they both were still staring at the door with wide eyes.

"I wish my answer was no."

She felt how the mattress shifted and Piper's warmth left her. Noticing its lack, her green eyes searched for her and saw that the model got up, gathering her clothes from the floor as her naked body was covered by a a sheet. Watching the blonde rather clumsily picking up her clothes, Alex had to grin as she could tell that Piper was embarrassed. The red colour on her cheeks was the perfect proof.

"Calm down, kid. The only one freaking out should be me."

As if she didn't hear her, Piper kept walking around and when she wanted to make sure that she had all of her clothes, she noticed that one thing was missing.

"Shit."

Not being sure if she understood the other woman correctly who apparently began to panic, Alex stood up, not bothering herself to cover her exposed body with a blanket and walked up to her.

"What?" she asked, standing behind Piper who sifted through her clothes.

"Alex, my bra, I can't find it."

"So? They're absolutely overrated, didn't you know that?" Alex stated as she pulled blonde hair back and wrapped her arms around Piper from behind, exploring her skin and placing kisses along her neck.

"Alex."

It was supposed to come out as a warning but it rather happened to sound desperate, the brunette's presence and proximity distracting her.

"Your mum's outside… and it's probably somewhere in the living room. Fuck," she eventually reminded her when one hand grabbed her boob while another moved south.

"And?" her husky voice whispered into Piper's ear before she continued to kiss her jawline.

And although it was enough for the model to forget about everything, the last bit of composure pulled her back as she turned her head to the side to meet Alex's lips, connecting them before she was standing in front of the taller woman. When she felt teeth biting onto her bottom lip, the blonde pulled the brake and pushed Alex lightly back, making her walk backwards.

"Go."

Chuckling, Alex looked at her and asked, "Are you sure?"

"Alex."

"Your wish is my command, princess," she heard Alex say who approached her to press a last gentle kiss on her lips, Piper returning it eagerly before her warm hands wandered from Alex's neck to her shoulders to push her back again.

Alex smiled at her and turned around to grab her glasses and her robe. When she watched her walk out of the room and closed the door behind her, Piper realised that Alex was still hers. They weren't even in bed anymore and yet, Alex was still hers. Suddenly, she registered what had just happened, the banter between the two of them, Alex's gentleness. It was like they were a couple. Except, that they weren't. She couldn't believe that she once had called the same person emotionally unavailable. Something has changed. But she just shook her head, trying to shake off her thoughts and feelings off as well and put on her jeans as she was waiting for Alex to return with her missing bra.

For the very first time, Piper actually took a proper look at the brunette's bedroom. It wasn't fancy or pretentious, rather vintage and the model had to admit that it matched its owner. Sitting on the edge of the huge bed, she noticed the even huger bookshelves on each side of the drawer which was across from her. As it caught her attention, she stood up and scanned the seemingly endless amount of books, most of them old literature, timeless classics and even poetry. Piper was more than surprised as she caught a deep glimpse of Alex which made her question yet again who Alex was, who she really was. A junkie, an asshole, a MMA fighter, a sussed nerd, a dark and twisted masterpiece, or simply a misunderstood mystery.

She nearly jumped when she heard a raspy voice say, "Next time you rip your clothes off, don't throw them into the deepest corner of my apartment… they'd be nice decoration though."

Dropping her hand that had been grazing over the other woman's books, she knew without turning around that Alex was standing behind her.

"Although I read all of them I can't really get myself to throw any of them away."

A small smile appeared on her face and she eventually turned around, seeing that Alex was holding out her lost underwear to her. And although half of her body was naked, she also saw that the brunette was undressing her with her eyes. It was crazy because Alex wasn't the only who couldn't keep her hands off her. If they were alone, Piper would jump right into bed with her again. But as they weren't, she just grumbled, "No," and grabbed her bra and put it on.

The cocky Alex surfaced as the taller woman raised a brow at Piper and gave her her signature smirk. "She wants to get to know you," she suddenly told the blonde who instantly froze.

"What?"

"She's my mother, Piper."

"Yeah, but-" _we're not together._

Her last three words remained inside of her head and when she heard how the brunette began to laugh, she deadpanned, "Very fucking funny, Alex."

"I just had to make sure you still hate me."

"Oh, don't worry about that," she reassured Alex before the emerald-eyed woman silenced her with a long kiss.

"Bye," Alex eventually said between their kisses that neither seemed to be willing to stop.

"Bye," the model replied and connected their lips for the hundredth time and after a few more moments, they eventually broke apart, Alex's heart eyes staring at her before she turned around and walked ahead towards the door of her bedroom.

As they stepped outside, she found her mother still sitting on the couch in the living room and when she heard the two women walking out of their personal zone, her head instantly turned around, her eyes following them. They eventually reached the front door and as Piper was about to leave, she looked over at Alex's mum, saying, "It was nice to meet you, Miss Vause," and quickly disappeared as she began to blush again.

Right in the moment the door fell shut and Alex was still standing with her back to her mum, she didn't even wait for her to speak up and just told her, "No."

"Oh come on baby girl, I've never seen any woman walking out of your apartment, let alone sleeping at your apartment. Not even Nicky ever slept at your place. Who is she?"

Letting her head fall back, Alex walked past her into the kitchen, preparing some coffee.

"You can't walk away from this conversation, Alex."

"I know but it's still worth a try."

She wondered how what the chances had been that her mother had to visit her when Piper was at her place as well. _Very likely_ , she concluded and remembered that an unlucky devil like her couldn't expect anything but something like this.

"Why are you here mum?" she asked her, knowing that it wouldn't be enough for her mother to drop the topic.

"Hey, don't be a dick. If you ever looked at your phone you would've had enough time to hide your secret girlfriend from me."

"She's not my girlfriend."

"But you want her to be your girlfriend."

Her response came out so fast that it was nearly too obvious that she was lying to herself as well. "What? Piper?! Hell no."

"Then why was Piper here?" Diane asked her, rising a brow at her daughter in the same way she would always do.

"Mum, I'm not going to talk to you about this."

"This, huh? So there's something going on between you and… Piper."

"You know what? If this helps you falling at sleep at night then yes," Alex told her as she poured coffee into two mugs and walked back to her mum and handed her one mug before she sat down in the armchair across from her.

"Lately, I've rather been losing sleep over you, kid."

Seeing the confused expression on her daughter's face, her mother explained, "Tyler Durden, does that ring a bell?"

Alex immediately groaned, not hiding her hate for that human scum and asked, "What about him?"

"He sued you, he'll go to court because of what happened."

"Yeah, I know," Alex nonchalantly said and took a sip from her coffee.

"Damn, Alex, that's not some unimportant stuff."

"Mum, I know it's actually your job but honestly, don't worry, okay? I've handled it."

"Apparently not well enough as you obviously forgot your meeting with your lawyer in like an hour."

Alex's gaze instantly met Diane's who added, "Yeah, see how well I know you. I knew you'd forget it, that's why I'm here."

Placing her mug on the coffee table, the brunette quickly made her way to the bathroom to make herself ready. As she nearly reached it, she heard Diane say, "I'll go with you to Mr. Bennett. And on our way you'll tell me about all the things you love about Piper."

* * *

She was back.

The black panther was back.

She was staring at her hands that were covered in her boxing gloves whilst she was sitting on the bench in the cubicle, waiting to release her inner beast. This time though, it was different. She's never been alone before any of her former fights. Nicky or Lorna or Red would be around, or all three of them. But now, she was alone and again she was telling herself that she was better off this way. Because Nicky and Lorna and Red definitely were better off without her, just like everyone else. But instead of getting lost in her memories, she turned this bad energy into fuel that she was going to add to her fire. Although she was in the catacombs, she still heard how the crowd was going wild. She didn't expect anything else because this was a title fight. And a media fight. The loathed champion returns from her darkness, reclaiming what is hers after she lost everything. It was a fucking perfect tale like a greek saga. And Alex was the antagonist, the villain, Hades.

She didn't care though. She didn't care if people were going to scream her name. She didn't care what they were going to say. She would win, she knew that. And the only thing she cared about was to know if Piper was going to be here. They haven't spoken ever since the last time they had seen each other and although only a week passed, Alex was more than eager to see her again. But maybe Piper didn't feel the same, maybe she didn't feel lonely enough, maybe she didn't feel broken enough, maybe she found someone better who could distract her from her demons.

"Vause, come on, time to go," an UFC member suddenly told her.

Alex looked at the man who was standing in the doorway and when she took a deep breath, she shut down everything and got up. Following him out of the catacombs, she saw Vee Parker talking to one of her corporators before she saw the brunette and approached her.

"Nervous?" the dark-skinned woman asked her as they were walking towards the exit.

Answering her question with only a look, Vee Parker chuckled lightly and added, "You can still back down, you know? There ain't no shame in it, Alex."

"Go tell this your koala girl, Parker."

Again, she made the older woman chuckle and before Alex stepped out of the catacombs and into the arena, a hand landed on her shoulder and made her stop her movements. She looked at the black hand as she heard the other woman say, "Don't take it personal, Alex… it's just, I really don't like you."

Before she could ask her what she was talking about, she watched Vee Parker walking away with a frown. She's trying to get into your head, Alex. Don't let her in. Don't let anyone in. And with that attitude, she walked out and into the crowd.

Without any music being played in the background, the dark-haired woman walked like a gladiator that was only a slave trained to kill towards the couch, the loud crowd joining the silence. Some people began to mutter, saying things Alex didn't hear, didn't want to hear. Hidden underneath her coat and her face underneath a hood, her gaze was fixed on the ground. And when it finally fell onto the cage, her adrenaline was the only thing she was living off. Feeling her heart beating against her ribs, Alex approached it and eventually, the silence broke and the crowd began to yell. Her opponent was already in the cage, basking herself pathetically in glory. The referee opened the door for her and she headed straight to her corner, her team that wasn't actually her team but former MMA trainers who were paid to take care of Alex so she could officially fight as she had no trainer anymore. She opened her mouth so one of them could put the mouthpiece in and when the referee called them, Alex was ready to break every single bone of Stella Carlin's body.  
When she approached him, the Australian woman was standing right in front of her. She stared her down, her opponent holding it and the only thing that was separating them was the referee who said, "Alright, you know the instructions, I expect a clean fight. No scratching, biting, strikes, or anything ugly. Touch gloves, go back and lets do this."

The women did as they were told to and headed back to their corner, waiting for the final sign. Before it finally came, she shot one last glance at the back, looking for familiar blonde hair but didn't find it. Hearing the signal, she turned back and let out her anger and the black panther that followed its hunger. She quickly moved up to the other woman, not being patient and already beginning to attack her. Most of her punches hit nothing but air whilst Carlin used one moment of her carelessness and took advantage of it. The dark-haired woman felt a hard fist colliding with her cheekbone and suddenly she remembered what pain felt like as she usually numbed her body. When she saw another fist coming at her, she made a swift move and tackled to Australian woman, making her fall onto her back. Alex instantly hovered over her, grabbing her arm to twist it violently. Somehow, the woman underneath could free herself from the grip and pushed the taller woman off her. When they got onto their feet again, Alex pushed her against the cage, leaving her opponent no space to escape. She punched her, kicked her, grabbed her to make her fall. Before she did though, the bell stopped her. Before she could walk back into her corner, she heard the other woman say words like "slut" and "hoe" and what wouldn't leave her mind, "Piper". And after that moment, everything went downhill for Alex.

The first round ended and in the following four, the brunette lost more blood than she caused. No matter which trick she used, no matter how she tackled her, Carlin could always free herself and every time she did, more blood fell from Alex's nose and lips. She couldn't understand why, but she knew that she was losing. Because she was successful. Vee fucking Parker got into her head. Ever since the end of the first round, Alex has been wondering what that woman knew, how she had found out the things she knew and what any of this had to with Piper. Because Stella Carlin had said her name. She definitely had. Ignorance was slowly killing her and the brunette more and more lost her focus whilst her uncontrolled anger got the better of her. Her punches weren't precise anymore, her kicks were too high or too low. And all this time, she tasted more and more iron. She couldn't remember the last time she had hit the ground this often in a fight or had been bleeding this much. Because there was no last time. Alex had never been fought against someone who had the chance to beat her. Not after Red had successfully trained her and introduced her to the world of legal fights. She once had been so close to become a legend. But as Red had already told her, her greatest enemy was herself.

And it beat her, when the third round finished and Stella said Piper's name again. Although the round was over, Alex followed her into her corner, driven by her rage and pushed the other woman against the cage. The referee swiftly tore the two apart, leading Alex into her corner and asked her if she wanted him to disqualify her. Alex only shrugged her shoulders as she didn't pay attention to anything but her loud thoughts Vee Parker implanted into her mind. She was so close to find out what all those words the older woman had said to her really meant. The fourth round started though and a hard kick against her shoulder tore her out of her thoughts.

Eventually, she was getting frustrated, fed up with the fact that she was losing and fed up with the fact that Vee Parker had known all along how this was going to end up. She had it all planned out. That was what she had meant when she had said that she had taken care of everything. More and more punches hit her and it was getting harder for Alex to see, her vision absolutely blurry and her mind clouded. Her body was aching just like every bone inside of it and Alex had never been more desperate for a shoot than in this moment. It was like she was fighting for the first time in her life. Probably because when the fourth round ended and Alex returned to her corner, Red wasn't waiting for her, nor Nicky. Nobody. And as her eyes still haven't found golden, long hair, Alex knew that Piper wasn't going to show up. In that moment, it hit her. She deserved this. All of this. She deserved to get beat up, to be fucked over, to be forsaken, to be all by herself. She had no pack, she was a lone wolf that didn't know where she belonged. Because in this cage, she felt out of place.

The final round began and Alex didn't care anymore. She actually surrendered herself to her opponent as she didn't dodged any knocks or kicks and desperate anger lead her fists. The brunette didn't even take cover because that was something Red would always remind her of. But Red wasn't here, nobody was here. Her downfall was perfect when a strong fist met her temple and a second hit her nose, covering her face in red and making her stumble backwards. And then, it was over. And Alex ultimately lost everything.

* * *

The blood didn't stop to fall. From her nostrils, her mouth, her eye. She reached for the fifth or sixth towel that wasn't already soaked and red and pressed it against her lips and nose. The only thing on her mind was the wish to just pass out, to just kill everything she was feeling. But even though she knew how she could do that, her body was too heavy from her pain that she didn't want to move. If she a clock, she would know that she's been bleeding sitting for almost an hour on this bench. When she had gotten into her cubicle, the only thing she had managed to do was to take her gloves off. The rest has been too hard. She just lost her title, her name, her reputation which, as bad as it might have been, was giving her an identity. But now she reached the bottom of the ocean. And she didn't know how to get to the surface again. She probably would never get to it. It was terrifyingly silent in her cubicle that it nearly screamed at Alex how alone she was. Yet, there was nothing on her mind, nothing inside of her. Only pain. But she knew that pain, she was familiar with it. That was the kind of pain she had felt after every fight she had had. That was the kind of pain she could take. Unlike the pain she would feel when it came to certain people. Especially Piper. But she didn't want to think about the blonde. Thoughts about her had been the reason that had gotten her into the situation she was in. Piper was messing with her mind and everyone who would know that like Vee Parker could use it against her. It was like Piper was her weakness. And it didn't make sense to Alex. Nonetheless, she didn't want to bother herself about finding a reason or some sort of sense and changed the side of the now red towel. She had to take a shower, it was only a few metres away and yet, it was too far away. Just like everyone else apparently…

"Alex?"

The brunette didn't hear someone calling her name nor that the person approached her. Only when that person kneeled in front of her, Alex was aware of her presence, her green eyes finally finding its target.

"Oh my god, your face," she said and took the towel out of Alex's hand, using the last fresh one to stop the bleeding.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't make it earlier… how long have you been sitting here?"

"I don't know, what time is it?"

"11:30."

"Then for an hour."

"Why?"

"Because taking my gloves off was the only thing I could do."

"And you've been bleeding the whole time?"

"Yes."

"Alex, you should see a doctor, look at your-"

"Face? I know, I'm still pretty though."

"Alex-"

"It's not the first time that I get beat up, alright? I'm fine."

"But it's the first time that no one was there for you."

"I don't care."

Finally, her emerald dared to look at her ocean blue and again it didn't fail to make her feel so blue. Alex saw that the other woman wanted to speak up but when she didn't, the brunette told her, "You're here now."

For a while, neither of them said anything, the other woman continuing to press the towel against her face to catch the blood whilst Alex just studied her.

"Show me your hands," she eventually broke the silence and the brunette lifted her hands that were still bandaged.

The woman in front of her handed her the towel and began to take the bandages off, something Alex hadn't been able to do anymore. The red bandages fell on the floor and the woman who was kneeling in front of her eventually got up, holding out a hand to Alex. "You need to take a shower… there's blood everywhere on you. And you reek."

"Some people think it's sexy," the MMA fighter told her as she took her warm hand and slowly got onto her feet.

"I'm not some people... but you're lucky."

And then she carefully rested a hand on Alex's neck and pulled her towards her, closing the distance between them. Alex was sure that this woman had to be doing magic as she kissed her pain away and made her realise that she hasn't lost everything and everyone. Instead, she won this warm, fuzzy feeling inside of her that shoved the ache into the background. Because Piper was there for her. And everything else was just background.


	12. What's Your Addiction?

_Chapter 12: What's Your Addiction?_

 _If Piper just looked at her, she would see that Alex was falling deeply, irretrievably, irrevocably in love with her. It was the most inevitable thing in the whole world._

 _She would see that Alex had been the first to break the promise they were going to give each other._

"You have to promise me something."

"What?"

"Don't-"

Her words were cut off by a breath that apparently needed to come out more than the things she was going to say. Emerald fell on the wooden floor between her feet, staring at the spot as she eventually could finish her sentence. "Don't fall in love with me. Promise me that you won't."

When the words finally managed to come out and took a tiny piece of burden off her shoulders, her gaze met Piper's who hasn't taken her eyes off her ever since they had gotten to the brunette's place. After the model had found her in the locker room and took care of her pain, Alex had felt lighter and had been able to take a quick shower. Whilst her body was clean and only covered in bruises and cuts, the shower had been covered in red. Together they had left the Madison Square Garden, Alex leaving her title and loss behind, and luckily hadn't been seen. If a paparazzi had approached the raven-haired woman, the rest of her knuckles would've probably been bruised as well.

Now they were sitting on Alex's leather couch in her living room, side to side and decided to define the thing, whatever it was, between the two of them because it was more than obvious that it was there, and real. Although every bone in her body was aching and recalling every punch she had received, having Piper next to her shut it down. Like a drug. Suddenly, the awful itching underneath her flawed skin appeared and Alex knew exactly what it meant and what her body was calling for. Damn, a little hit or a sweet shoot wouldn't be bad right now. Yet, she already got what she needed, her eyes were looking at it. And by the look on Piper's face Alex couldn't tell if she was hurt, upset, relieved, angry or confused. She just hoped that she hadn't said anything wrong because they both were masters of saying the right things to do hurt and piss each other off.

"I thought the point of this 'no strings attached'-thing is that there actually are no strings attached, including promises."

Eventually, she found out what was going on behind Piper's walls and when the blonde smiled smugly at her, Alex couldn't help herself and picked the cocky grin up.

"Thanks for reminding me smartypants," the black-haired woman replied and felt how her tensed bones began to relax. Nonetheless, the itching beneath her ivory skin didn't disappear and it reminded her why she needed Piper to give her that promise. If Piper fell in love with her, Alex and her life would kill her. And that was another thing she wouldn't be able to forgive herself.

Their eyes were still locked on each other and although the blonde's smile didn't drop, the shift in her tone revealed to Alex that she wasn't joking when she asked, "What makes you so sure that I would fall in love with you?"

Licking her lips, Alex's eyes flickered over Piper's before they returned on the beautiful blue in her eyes. "Murphy's law, kid. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. I should know it."

And although she used her usual playful tone, it failed to cover up the seriousness behind her words. Piper has spent enough time with her to know her habits. And when there was something Alex didn't want to talk about or she wasn't comfortable with and refused to deal with, she would use sarcasm as her shield. Everyone probably had habits and a pattern. And whilst Piper's was to run away, Alex's was fogging, just like she would fog her mind with drugs.

After a moment of silence, Piper eventually nodded as she understood what the other woman meant and said, "Fine. I promise I won't fall in love with you… on one condition."

Frowning, Alex wondered what the blonde was getting at and saw how the expression on her face was nothing but serious. "And that would be?" the brunette eventually asked, eager to know the answer.

"I won't fall in love with you as long as you won't fall in love with me."

She saw how Alex raised a brow at her and heard her say rather fast, "Deal."

Confused by Alex's quick response, the blonde knitted her brows together as she didn't know how to interpret the other woman's reaction. And it didn't go unnoticed by her.

"Surprised that I didn't hesitate?" the raven-haired woman asked and she had this smug expression on her face that always made Piper want to chip off her head; but in a kind way.

When the blonde didn't response, already knowing that an answer from her was more than unnecessary, Alex chuckled lightly but quickly stopped as her laughter increased her pain.

"Pipes, I'm not capable of it, it's impossible that I would. It would be easier for me to grow a third leg than to do that."

Somehow, she didn't want to tell Piper directly that she wasn't going to fall in love with her. She didn't want to make her feel not good enough. Because if any person in this world deserved love, it was Piper. And maybe, explicitly saying that she wasn't going to do right that would remind her that she was the only one in this room who wasn't good enough. Maybe if they had met somewhere else, in another place, at another time, in another universe, she would be good enough for Piper and could give her everything she deserved. But they were in Alex's apartment and it was unbeknownst to her that, no matter where they were and would be, she could be good enough for Piper. She just had to let it happen.

"Murphy's law babe, anything that can go wrong, will go wrong," the blonde eventually repeated her words and slowly closed the gap between them, carefully resting a warm hand on Alex's thigh as she captured her battered lips in a soft kiss.

"Touché," Alex replied when they slightly broke apart and smiled when the blonde kissed her again, sealing their promises.

But promises were meant to be broken.

And Alex had already broken hers.

"Did you just call me babe?"

"I did but it was in between quotes."

As they were still kissing, the brunette murmured against Piper's lips, "I didn't hear any quotes… angel face."

Suddenly, Piper completely pulled away, looking seriously at the woman opposite from her. "Now you're just being smutty."

Her expression instantly softened and Alex just raised a brow at her before she leaned in once more. She couldn't help herself. Piper's lips were like gravity, just like everything else about her and all Alex could do was to be pulled in. This should have been the very last sign for her that she gave Piper a promise that has been broken before she had even made it. But who could blame her. Alex didn't know that being in love meant having this warm, sickening, fuzzy feeling inside of her. She didn't know that being in love meant being willing to do everything for that one person. She didn't know that being in love was the greatest addiction there was. She really believed that she wasn't capable of loving. But what she believed even more was that nobody was supposed to love her. It would be somebody's death. Piper knew what Alex had meant when she had quoted Murphy's law. The brunette believed that loving her was a bad thing, if not even the worst. And following Murphy's law, it was meant to happen nevertheless. But did she really forget what it also meant? Murphy's law didn't only imply that bad and wrong things were going to happen. It also meant that, whatever can happen, will happen. If she hadn't been so ignorant, she would've remembered it. And as much as the unknown feelings inside of her tried to remind her, she couldn't listen to them as Piper was the only thing she could focus on.

Although Piper apparently didn't hold back to start their 'no strings attached' thing, judged by the way her hand teasingly moved over Alex's thigh towards the spot between her legs, the brunette flinched slightly when Piper's kisses became harder.

"Sorry," the model whispered against her lips and although there was nothing in the whole world Alex would rather be doing than Piper, she knew that her body wouldn't agree. She could barely breathe through her swollen nose nor see properly as one of her eyes was framed in thick blue and red whilst the other had a deep cut under it. Yet, she didn't want to admit that she couldn't have sex with Piper. Because sex was the only thing that bonded them. If they weren't going to sleep with each other, there was no reason for either of them to stay. And she didn't know why but only imagining that Piper would leave her any moment made her realise that it was the last thing she wanted, although her aching body needed something else. Yet, that something was the thick rope that would rip Piper out of her arms. _That was the very first time she would have to choose between her addictions._

"What's wrong?" the Piper suddenly asked who noticed that Alex was somewhere else. She could even feel it on her lips when the brunette didn't really return the kiss.

Piper eventually sat back up, moving away from the other woman and searched her eyes.

"I'm not sure if there's another round left inside of me," she replied and Piper knew that she was talking about sex. She also knew that Alex's wittiness was meant to hide the deeper meaning behind her words.

When she got her response, Piper was clueless. She didn't really know what to do. If they weren't going to sleep with each other, there would be no reason for her to stay. Yet, if she was right, she believed that Alex knew that as well. And that was the reason she fogged her words. Because… Alex knew Piper was going to leave her. It was the only logical conclusion. But most of the time, _love wasn't logical at all._

"That bad, huh?" the blonde eventually asked, not only because she didn't want to point a finger at the elephant in the room but was actually concerned about the other woman's well-being.

"I'm pretty sure I'm dying," Alex informed her in her most sincere tone, again attempting to block out the elephant in the room. And by the way her body was yelling at her, eliciting even more insects that were crawling underneath her skin, she wasn't even absolutely sure that she was joking.

Nevertheless, Piper laughed and it was so soft that Alex's stomach twisted. She didn't know if she had to throw up or if it was the aching in every fibre of her being but she smiled at the woman next to her as well. She just had to. It was like gravity.

"Oh please, don't be so dramatic."

"If somebody's gonna find my dead body in a few weeks, you won't call me dramatic anymore."

And the bantering they had started more than a week ago continued, Alex using it to convince Piper to stay. She probably wouldn't even admit that she didn't want Piper to go if someone pointed a gun at her. Sometimes, they wondered who was the more stubborn one. The brunette wondered as well since when they have been able to talk to each other without making the other furious and she wondered if Piper noticed the change in their 'relationship', too. Not even a month ago, the only things they had said to each other had been hurtful and curse words. But now, they were sitting in Alex's living room and she didn't want Piper around so she could fuck her. Sure, the sex with her was a heavenly ecstasy, it gave her the feeling of being alive. Yet, it seemed like Piper's lips and tongue and fingers weren't the only things that made her aware of her heart pounding behind her ribcage.

 _Just say it, Alex. You're too fucked up anyway. What do you have to lose?_

The only thing she had to lose was Piper if she didn't ask her to stay a bit longer and would watch her walk out of her door.

"I, uh, get myself painkillers and some ice so I won't look like a bloated grandma in the morning. Do you want a drink?"

 _Wow, congratulations Alex. You're such a goddamn pussy._

Looking at the woman next to her, the raven-haired woman internally tried to kill her thoughts without the help of her usual butcher that was hidden in her kitchen and was calling out for her. The fight against it was even harder than the one she had had today. But apparently, she couldn't have both. It would be either Piper or her drugs. That was also why she needed that promise from the other woman. At some point, she would have to pick. And she didn't know what her choice would be. Because, damn, she loved herself so much, she couldn't refuse herself her drugs. Yet, at the same time, if she picked drugs over Piper, she would probably hate herself more than everyone else already did. If she lost her mind to her drugs, she would lose Piper. If she lost her heart to Piper, she would lose her drugs. And she didn't know what would kill her more. _Either way, you gotta die of something, right?_

When Alex stood up to go to her kitchen without having gotten an answer from the other woman, she stopped dead in her tracks as she heard, "What kind of painkillers?"

She knew what Piper meant. She was talking about drugs which were the waves between them that drifted them apart. Based on the tone the blonde asked her with, Alex knew that they were only one step away from a fight and after the day she had had, she wasn't in the mood for another fight nor did she want to lose one again.

Turning around, Alex saw how Piper stiffened and was giving her a look that made her feel unbelievably small. There was something broken, something dark, something aching in her irises. Although she wasn't wearing her glasses and her blackened eye reduced her eyesight even more, all those things faded out the blue in the blonde's eyes. Holding her gaze, Alex's expression on her face softened as she was so desperate to see that beautiful colour in Piper's eyes again. Even though her body was telling her something different, the brunette decided that she could intermit tonight. She had to.

"Just some ibuprofen," she told her and when she saw that neither Piper's position nor the look on her angel face changed, Alex added, "otherwise I'm really gonna die, Pipes."

The nickname simply slipped from her lips and although she wasn't sure if she had even meant to say it so softly, the result silenced her questions. The golden-haired woman started to relax, giving her a small nod that kind of approved what she was going to do. What it didn't silence though was the fact that she had lied to the other woman. Alex was a junkie, so used to hard drugs that things like ibuprofen or aspirin couldn't affect her. They were like placeboes, only meant to give Alex the feeling of popping or swallowing something. But her body wouldn't react to them. Nevertheless, she made a choice and picked Piper instead of her antidotes.

Her aching body reached the kitchen and for a moment, her eyes were glued to the drawer but she resisted with the last pieces of power she had and opened another drawer, grabbing a pill. As she poured herself some water into a glass and the placebo flushed through her throat, she remembered that Piper hadn't answered her question and therefore asked, "Do you want a glass of water? Or anything else?"

"Are you trying to get me drunk?" the blonde asked her whilst she was scanning the room as she hadn't had the chance to do that before.

Her witty response actually took pressure off of Alex and she was relieved that they could start another light conversation.

"With water? Sure," the brunette replied, her words followed by a husky chuckle and returned to the couch with two glasses in her hands and an icepack that she pressed against her bruised cheek as she sat down.

"Thanks."

Silence settled around them, and neither of the two knew what to do. Piper was wondering if she was supposed to go. Alex was wondering if she could ask her to stay and if she could, she wondered how she could ask her without sounding desperate or clingy. They just decided to keep it casual, sex was the only thing that was meant to connect them. At least that was what they were telling themselves to convince themselves and each other. They both were thinking so hard that they were sure they could hear other's thoughts, especially when Piper spoke up. "So… what now?"

If some of them wouldn't have had the courage to ask this question, they probably would have spent the rest of the night awkwardly sitting next to each other and stealing glances. So Alex was thankful that the blonde released them, although she wasn't sure if her response was going to be the right one.

Turning her head to the side, Alex studied the other woman's face that was simply art for her before she licked her lips and said, "You tell me."

 _A goddamn pussy, Alex._

"Oh no, no, no. I asked you first," the blonde replied and let out a soft chuckle that was able to heal Alex actually, unlike her pseudo-drugs.

Even though she rather wanted to somehow avoid the question, she decided that it would make everything worse and therefore leaned back against the pillows as she told Piper, "I'm actually up for some netflix and chill."

Almost spitting out her drink, Piper put her glass on the table and eventually returned her gaze on the woman next to her who was giving her a confused look. Still laughing, she raised her dark eyebrows at the brunette and asked, "Netflix and chill?"

"What?" Alex said as her eyebrows were still knitted together as she was wondering why Piper was laughing, not that she minded though. "Never heard of it?"

The model squinted her eyes, her smile ghosting over her lips nevertheless and admitted, "I did."

"Then why are you laughing at me?"

"I'm not laughing at you."

After her words came out of her mouth, Piper couldn't hold herself back and was chuckling again, making Alex looking at her deadpan.

Calming herself slightly down, the blonde noticed the small pout on the other woman's swollen lips and wondered if they could always be like this. Enjoying each other's company without sex being the reason, although the sex was mind-blowing, and bantering without a big hurtful fight being the outcome. It was like they both forgot about their arrangement. Apparently, _Alex already had as she had broken her promise._

"I'm sorry, it's just, I wouldn't have thought that you'd be familiar with it."

As serious as she could sound, Alex explained, "I'm no neanderthal, Pipes."

There it was again, but when the nickname fell from her lips Alex's first reaction wasn't that she wished that she could take it back. Yet, she just hoped that Piper liked the nickname. And she certainly did.

"Alright, so I guess you're referring to the real netflix and chill and not… _netflix and chill_."

She made sure to pronounce her last words differently, almost huskily and they earned a clueless expression falling over the brunette's face as if she had heard it for the first time. So much about Alex being no 'neanderthal'.

" _Netflix and chill?_ " Alex questioned her, mimicking the blonde's tone and unaware that her question was more than unnecessary as the look on her face had already revealed her confusion.

"And you say you're no neanderthal," the blonde mocked her and suddenly got up, making Alex shoot up as well, dropping her icepack in her motions which had been way too quick though as her bones were telling her to be careful.

When she heard the other woman flinch, Piper instantly turned to her to check on her. Before she could ask her though, Alex beat her to it. "Where are you going?"

Although she told herself not to, the fear of seeing Piper leave was stronger than her pride. She thought that she sounded desperate, clingy, weak, only because of Piper. That woman had a bigger hold on her than she might ever know.

The model knew what Alex was getting at. Yet, she just wanted her to say it, she just wanted to hear it. She needed to be assured that someone actually might need her. Alex just had to say it.

They were standing in front of each other, Alex looking down at her with eyes that were saying words her mouth couldn't form. Her ocean eyes looked with Alex's, she didn't speak up though. It wasn't her turn. Of course Alex was aware that Piper was waiting for her, waiting for her to say something, and she also knew what this something was. As the blonde's eyes were actually too distracting and the reason she forgot her language and everything else, her emerald gaze dropped.

Hardly audible for her, she heard Alex mutter absolutely shyly, "You can pick a movie."

Although she could barely understand her, although she wasn't directly telling her what she wanted, it was enough for Piper. _She got her._

Nevertheless, she couldn't help herself and said with a cheeky grin, "Sorry?"

Rolling her eyes, Alex eventually met her gaze and saw the sly look on the shorter woman's face.

"You heard me."

"I don't know, did I? What did I hear Alex?"

Of course Piper wouldn't stop to tease her and when the brunette looked to the side, biting on her bottom lip because although it would usually annoy her, Piper's mock innocent was… adorable. It was the first time this word crossed her mind and it made Alex sick and high at the same time. Adorableness didn't belong here, it had no place in their thing. Yet, Piper made her do things she had never done before, made her have thoughts she had never had before, made her say things she had never said before. Around her, Alex could reveal some layers that she had always kept to herself. With Piper, Alex could be a human being. It was like she had returned from the dead when she had stumbled upon the golden-haired woman. Alex began to wonder who she had been before her, she began to wonder how she had been able to live before her. She began to wonder if she could imagine being able to live without her.

 _Fuck, you're so fucking fucked up, Alex._

However, the azure colour lead her out of her thoughts and Alex stated, "Forget it."

Nevertheless, she gave the blonde a small smile and abruptly took a step back, oxygen suddenly filling their lungs, and the MMA fighter walked past her. Every tension broke down between the two of them and completely lost, Piper didn't move, only her eyes following the other woman. This time, it was Piper's turn to ask, "Where are you going?"

She got no response though and Alex disappeared into her bedroom. Suddenly, Piper felt anxious. Did she do something wrong? Did she make Alex feel uncomfortable? Did Alex escape from her and was about to… use something? The last thought made her guts twist. If Alex was actually going to shoot herself into her blurry nirvana, Piper would feel like the biggest fool in the whole world. Because she would return to reality and, reality was that Alex was a drug-addict, a junkie, a crackhead. Alex wasn't the first user the blonde had met. It was nearly a natural thing in the model business to use drugs, simply because most of them were weak and unprofessional. Unlike Piper who wasn't raised that way. Her parents had taught her that weakness was your downfall. Ever since she had been born, her parents have reminded her of that mantra. Yet, that was a story for another night.

Startled by the sudden sounds of steps, Piper noticed that Alex was back, holding a sweater in her hand. The blonde also noticed that Alex had changed her clothes. She had taken her hoodie off and was only wearing a tight (too tight) grey shirt and a pair of sweatpants. Even though more bruised and battered skin was exposed, Alex looked flawless in the model's eyes. Yet, that was a truth for another night.

"Take a picture, it lasts longer," the brunette told her and before Piper could even respond, she left the model speechless by handing her the sweater she was holding.

"It's the only clean one to be honest… I figured you'd be more comfortable if you got out of your way too tight clothes and into something more loose."

Furrowing her brows, Piper wasn't really sure what was going on. Sure, they both agreed to this no-string-attached thing which simply meant that they weren't together. Nevertheless, wasn't watching a movie together in comfortable clothes something every couple did on a Saturday night? Or were they just friends who were fooling around? Because that would explain why Alex was offering her this. It wasn't that she didn't want to accept her offer, because, hell she definitely did. Yet, she was a professional. She needed to know where the borders were. Blurred lines weren't enough for her to tell her when she would cross a line.

As if Alex had read her thoughts, she pulled her extended arm back and dropped the sweater on the couch next to her. Settling her blood-stained eyes on Piper, she eventually explained, "You don't need to stay. If you wanna go, you can. I won't hold you back. It's just… that is all I can give you tonight."

She couldn't give her sex, that was what Alex meant. Alex thought that spending the night with her, next to her, wrapped up on the couch and watching a movie wasn't enough. She thought that she wasn't enough. She might have been careful with the choice of her words but the buried truth affected her voice nevertheless. And suddenly, the bruises and cuts on her body and face weren't the things that made her look broken. She had her guards down, she's had her guards down the whole time. It wasn't the drugs that made Alex say that she needed Piper, it was only Alex. Although she hadn't said it directly, the way she was looking at her nearly screamed it. And Piper wanted to listen, she wanted to stay. Yet, she was looking for an explanation, she was looking for some sense. Maybe they were friends who were fucking with each other because if they were friends, she would understand why she wanted to stay as that were things friends did, friends didn't leave each other alone. But the more the blonde thought about it, the less sense it eventually made. They weren't friends. Because friends didn't look each other like this. Friends didn't fight and fuck so passionately as they did. Friends didn't constantly have the feeling of wanting to kiss or kill each other. They weren't friends, they would never be friends. So, what were they? She didn't need a clear answer right now but someday, she would before they would destroy each other. Sometimes ignorance was bliss. And sometimes, like now, it wasn't. They were both too caught up in each other to realise that they had taken their wicked games they have been playing to a next level. However, she decided that they could stay inside of their foggy haven and decided that she was going to stay with her.

Her blue gaze wandered from Alex's red eyes to the hoodie on the couch, remaining on it as she asked softly, "I can pick the movie?"

Piper decided that this was the best way to handle this situation. Neither would admit, neither would tell the truth, but neither of the two was lying as well. Their words were so heavy from the hidden truths they were carrying and still, they both found the meaning. They understood each other, they got each other and, they needed each other. Simple as that, Piper looked up at the woman in front of her from the corner of her eye, a slight grin on her face which instantly triggered a bigger one on Alex's face.

As the brunette saw how cheekily Piper was looking at her, she rolled her eyes before she stated, "I swear if you're gonna choose the notebook I'll build a house for you, too… just so you can watch it there alone."

"How do you know that he builds a house for her?"

Rolling her eyes again, Alex sat back on the couch and reached for her glass of water as the fire she has been trying to ignore ever since they had been at her place was spreading inside of her. Not tonight, she told herself although this night was a perfect night to forget. But without some help, it was just one of those nights that were perfect at crushing her. She could barely focus. Yet, when Piper began to strip out of her clothes next to her, her withdrawal was no longer the reason for it and she took another big sip to extinguish her other desire. Of course the blonde noticed the way Alex's eyes were stuck on her and when she was only in her black underwear, she reached for the hoodie and took it on. It was definitely too big enough for her, it would look even slightly too big on Alex whenever she would wear it. However, Piper didn't know that Alex has had this hoodie ever since the day she had stepped into Red's gym. Even though it was a simple hoodie, black and on the front the name of a boxing brand on it, nobody saw that it was so much more than that. After Red had taken a young tornado that Alex had been at that time under her wings, the Russian woman had given her that hoodie as a gift when she had seen the potential in Alex, promising her that she could take on the whole world. Nobody but her could see the memories she was keeping in this hoodie. And although it was nearly sacred to her, she hadn't even questioned herself when she had pulled it out of her drawer to give it to Piper. An angel was definitely worthy to wear it.

The hem of the dark hoodie nearly reached Piper's knees and only her slender fingertips were longer than the sleeves as her long blonde waves were falling loosely over her shoulders. Piper looked hot and gorgeous and beautiful and cute and flawless all at once. Knowing that there was nothing underneath the fabric of the hoodie but black underwear made Alex instantly think of the things she would be doing to the other woman if her body hadn't been so sore. She could do them to her if she… _no, not tonight._

Settling down next to the brunette, she leaned against the back of the couch as well and saw how Alex her grabbed two remotes, using one of them to turn the TV on and the other to turn off the lights, making Piper raise a brow at her.

"Seriously?"

She couldn't believe that the woman who was sitting next to her, Alex Vause, had a remote for the lights in her apartment, being in control of every single one of them in her whole flat. So fucking fancy.

Opening the movie section, she stared at the screen as she explained, "I actually wanted to have the clap control, you know, clapping once to turn them on and clapping twice to turn them off but… it would have been too messy."

"You're fucking kidding me, right?" the blonde asked with a chuckle and the woman next to her turned to her with a raised brow before she held out the TV remote to her.

"I can't see anything. Don't fuck this up, Chapman."

Piper nearly forgot that Alex wasn't wearing her glasses nor any contact lenses. And the swollen skin and cuts under her eyes and blood around her irises were probably making her more blind than she already was. Grabbing the remote as if she had been handed the holy grail, Piper looked at Alex again who was waiting for her decide what they were going to watch.

They have been sitting next to each other with their shoulders leaned against another for a while now, Piper's gaze on the TV screen as she was searching for the right movie and was actually having a hard time. Apparently, she was just as bad at it as the brunette who noticed it. She jumped from section to another, working her way through almost every genre and Alex's eyes were jumping between the screen and the other woman whose brows were knitted together as if she was busy solving a difficult problem. Eventually, Alex couldn't hold back anymore and kept her gaze on the blonde as she let out a raspy chuckle.

"Shit and I thought _I_ was indecisive."

Her blue eyes remaining on the screen, Piper was reading the movie titles, her lips moving to it before she shushed Alex by explaining, "It's not like you put pressure on me or something."

Alex's chuckle echoed through the room and she rested her cheek in her palm, her elbow propped up on the armrest of the couch whilst she was amusingly watching Piper from the corner of her eye.

"The only one putting pressure on something is you… on your eyebrows," the brunette commented as there was still a big frown on Piper's face that even grew after she heard Alex's words.

Piper just shot a glare at her, making Alex raise her hands in surrender.

"Wake me up when you found a movie," she heard the brunette say who got herself comfortable on the couch and laid carefully down on her side, resting her long legs on top of Piper's lap.

Feeling the weight on top of her thighs, her blue eyes looked at her lap before her gaze wandered to Alex who was looking at the screen. She saw a slight smirk on her face. What she didn't see though was the hard struggle underneath Alex's ivory skin that was tearing her apart. The brunette tried to swallow it, she tried to focus on something, she tried to distract herself and although her vision was blurry due to her blackened eye and the lack of her glasses, she wasn't blind to the elephant in the room. She needed it.

"You're not really helpful if you keep whining," the blonde stated and as her gaze had returned on the TV screen as well, she didn't see how grateful Alex was for saying something and stopping her thoughts that had been eating her up.

They eventually found a movie and watched Pan's labyrinth. Alex hadn't seen the movie before, unlike the younger woman who was telling her how she used to watch this movie nearly every week when she had been a little girl and the way she shared memories from her childhood with Alex silenced the echoes inside of her. Although she actually wanted to focus on the movie, she was too caught in Piper's stories and, when there was a scene on the blonde followed intently, she admired the way she was so mesmerised by a movie she probably knew by heart. And yet, she wasn't tired of it. Shaking her head, Alex once again realised how stubborn Piper simply had to be and imagined a little golden-haired girl not wanting to go to bed because she had to watch this one movie for the hundredth time.

"You're staring," the blonde eventually told her, bringing her back and out of her inner cinema.

Her gaze remained on Piper though.

At some point, the model felt her eyelids getting heavy and laid down as well. She settled down in front of the brunette, blocking her view once again. The model's back was against Alex's front and when she saw goosebumps adorning Piper's bare and never-ending legs, she sat up, making the other woman look at her as she was wondering if she crossed a line by having lied down so close to her. Alex proved her wrong as she grabbed the blanket that was on top of the couch and threw it upon them, pulling it up to their shoulders.

By the time the credits came on, Piper looked over her shoulder and saw how Alex's eyes were shut. The brunette was fast asleep and a small smile appeared on Piper's face as she watched how peacefully the woman next to her was sleeping. She wouldn't even be mad at her for not having really watched the movie. Not wanting to wake the woman behind her up, Piper slowly reached for the remote on the table and turned the TV off. She returned her focus on the sleeping beauty and turned onto her other side so that they were face to face. When Piper was struggling to keep her eyes open, she reluctantly gave up admiring the brunette and gave in, sleep finding her quickly as it usually did every time she spent a night with her.

* * *

The feeling of a heated hob beneath her hand dragged her out of her sleep. Her first instinct was to pull her hand quickly back. Yet, when her eyes fluttered open first and the hob turned out to be snow white skin, she didn't move it. Slowly, her eyes began to focus and the light moon shine helped her to see. She found Alex lying on her side next to her, the brunette's back pressed against her stomach. Based on the other woman's proximity, her pale skin was like fire underneath the fabrics of their tops. As she had just woken up, Piper needed a moment to figure out what was going on. Her right arm was wrapped around the other woman's torso, her hand holding onto her strong forearm arm and her face hidden between Alex's sturdy shoulder blades, her forehead resting against the skin. For a second, she just decided to go back to sleep as the feeling of Alex in her arms was surprisingly good, like, impossibly good. Yet, when the woman next to her was shivering and actually burning at the same time, Piper instantly knew what was going on and that realisation wouldn't let her fall asleep.

"What is it like?"

Of course she knew that she was awake. Her body betrayed her yet again as if it were literally boiling, reminding her of her dark thirst. In addition, her hands were shaking and sweaty and cold at once. And the moment Piper had intertwined their fingers, she didn't need to ask her what she was talking about.

Sighing, she stared at their connected fingers which were her only anchor that kept her from drifting away.

"Calming," she eventually stated and it was the only word she could say as her mind was a battle field, her darkness fighting against the light the blonde has been planting inside of her.

There was so much more to it, so many more things her drugs made her feel. They were her safe haven, her peace, her medicine, her shelter, her best friend. They understood her, they helped her, they made everything easier for her. They would never let her down. But nobody would understand her if she told them those things. Because they were smart, they were normal, they were complete, they had people who cared about them and they could turn to. They weren't like Alex. She was shambles, a mess, someone who was broken and broke things and people. And every time she couldn't take it anymore, her only best friend was there for her. Sure, she had Nicky, Lorna, Red, even though she wasn't so sure about it anymore, and her mum. But she didn't want to be a burden to them, they didn't deserve it. And although she cared about them, neither of them managed to get under her skin and into her veins and into her mind so easily like her coke and heroin.

"And punishing."

As Piper has remained quiet, Alex decided to speak up again, struggling to hold on and focused on the way the blonde's fingers played with hers. Although the touches were so light, barely even there, Alex noticed them nevertheless. They were her only hope.

Suddenly, the motions stopped and Alex saw how everything around her was turning darker per second. The insects underneath her skin were about to take over, the darkness was coming over the light. _At least she had tried._

Just when the trembling brunette was on the verge to lose her mind and her composure, an ocean cooled her down when Alex turned her head, remaining in the blonde's arms. Piper was propped up on her elbow and was gazing at her, intertwining their fingers once more and holding onto them, and onto her, tighter than she had before. She looked so innocent, she was an angel. Alex didn't believe in hell or heaven or god or anything. Yet, when her eyes fell on Piper, she was sure that she was looking at an angel, she was sure that Piper was a goddamn angel. And yet, that angel was lying next to a creature of wickedness.

"Then, why do you use?"

 _Because I'm fucked up and stupid and fell for the biggest seduction in the whole industry._

That were the first words that appeared on her twisted mind. Alex knew- if she hadn't become a MMA fighter, she absolutely would have ended up in the drug business to provide for her mother. And somehow, she actually did end up in the drug business, only on the other side. She was the slave.

However, Piper deserved a better answer, she at least wanted her to somehow understand although it was rather impossible. Piper had proved more than once how much she hated drugs. Nevertheless, if she caught a glimpse of the darkness that was right underneath Alex's ivory skin and saw the abysses of her broken soul, she might understand. It was worth a shot.

"Because I thought that I could take it… I thought that I could bear it… being alone," her gaze shifted from one blue eye to another as a sad smile illuminated the darkness of the living room, "and when I realised that I was wrong, only the drugs were there… they have always been there for me ever since I made myself alone."

For the very first time, she admitted it. Someone heard that she had made a mistake. She had pushed people away, as she still would, and she had isolated herself. It was no one's fault but hers. She's known it for a long time which was the reason she would blame every one else and would distance herself even more from them. Once, she had really believed that she wouldn't need anyone. No one ever had wanted to get her, and if that person had tried, they had gotten too close to the sharp edges that were the outlines of the big hole inside of her.

Seeing the concern in Piper's light eyes, she decided to reveal more layers.

"When you've been alone for almost all your life, you start to believe that no one can do you right, you know? You convince yourself that this is how it's supposed to be and… whoever tries to show you that it could be different and how it could be, you see this person as an intruder who wants to take something away from you. And mostly, I was right. People only took from me and took and took until there was nothing I could give them anymore. And then you turn into a ghost for them because you've become useless. It took me a while to realise that those people never gave a shit about me… that's why I've been alone ever since. Drugs are the only things that can give me something, only they can do me right, they get me… but, I know, it sounds fucking fucked up, I know Pipes, it doesn't make sense to you and that's good, it shouldn't make sense to anyone. But to me it does."

 _God, everything about her was so soft_. Her eyes, her hands, her touches, her skin, simply everything. Alex wondered if she could ever forgive herself for ruining such a piece of art, for tainting such a masterpiece. It should be a crime. She should be locked up for it for the rest of her days if she did. Yet, when she looked up at her heaven blue eyes and her slender arm was still around her, she realised that she couldn't. She couldn't forgive herself if she committed the biggest crime of her life and would infect Piper's sanctity with her own insanity. She couldn't forgive herself because… she wouldn't regret it. She wouldn't feel bad about it. That was how much Alex loved herself, she was this selfish. Lowering her gaze to look at their connected hands, it was like she was seeing them creating grey, Alex's pale hand being the black and Piper's smooth hand being the white. If Piper was able to bring things out of her that she didn't even know existed and could resuscitate even someone as dead like her, something as dead as her heart, she could only imagine the horrible things she could bring out of her. It wasn't fair, it truly wasn't. They were playing wicked games and Alex was cheating. She wasn't aware though that Piper wasn't being honest, too.

Still, she needed to let the golden-haired woman know something. "Piper, do you remember what you said to me the first night we met? You said that I was no good… and I hope that you still think that. I mean, you deserve so much better, you deserve the best… although I think that it still wouldn't be enough. When I said earlier that you wouldn't need to worry about me falling in love with you… please know that it's not because of you… it's because of me. If I weren't such a fuck up, I probably would have asked you to marry me the minute I saw you."

Her last words were covered up by a low chuckle because, somehow it was hard for Alex to believe that she was kidding and not being serious.

"What I'm trying to say is," she eventually added, letting out a deep breath before she continued, "if you don't want to be here, you don't have to be here. We would be lying to each other if we thought that you wouldn't be way better off with anyone who isn't me… so please, don't do anything because you feel obligated to do it. Whatever you feel like doing, do it, I'm the last person who would stop-"

And then she was stopped as Piper showed her what she felt like doing. Her flawless lips pressed against her bruised ones, locking them in a tender and warm kiss whilst her hand gave Alex's a gentle squeeze. Neither willing to let go, they leaned more into each other and kept kissing whilst Alex's free hand settled on Piper's cheek. Only when Piper was sure that the brunette understood what she wanted to do, they pulled apart, not too much though as Piper rested her forehead against Alex's sweaty forehead. What Alex just told her tore every word out of her brain and twisted her tongue. She couldn't believe that Alex actually thought that she was such a disaster. No one was perfect, no one should try to be perfect. Yet, Alex thought she was perfectly imperfect. She really did and Piper didn't know what to say. All she wanted was to drag those thoughts out of her mind that were possessing her. But she didn't know how, _only Alex did._

"You should go, Piper," she softly muttered against her lips.

"What?"

Suddenly, the blonde felt how cold sweat covered her own forehead as well and she realised that she couldn't calm down the woman in her arms anymore. The battlefield behind Alex's wet hot skin of her head was coming to an end. _She lost._

"You can't… I- I have to… please, go."

This jumble of words was the perfect presentation of the aftermath in Alex's mind. And yet, she still believed that she was in control although her trembling, feverish body was telling her something completely different. However, she didn't want Piper to see her like this. What she was about to do would make Piper hate her again and would remind her why. Damn, Piper should hate her. If she did, Alex wouldn't need to hurt her. That was the very last thing she wanted. Yet, she also didn't want Piper to hate her. She needed her. She needed both.

"Alex, Alex."

The soothing sound of her name and a slender hand holding tighter onto her own shaking hand gave her a short feeling of hope and honestly, Alex wished it was enough.

"Leave…fuck… Pipes, please."

Piper could see how it was taking Alex over more and more per second. She could feel it as her pale hand was about to slip out of hers. She could feel it as she got up and out of her embrace. She could feel how Alex was drifting away from her, out towards the horizon of her addiction. She was gone.

When the brunette unsteadily crawled over her and got on her feet, Piper grabbed her wrist, the skin underneath her hand on fire. It was in vain though as Alex shook her off and took a few steps away from her.

Sitting up and wrapping her arms around her tucked up knees, Piper could barely bear to see Alex like this. Yet, she didn't see her the way Alex saw herself. In her azure eyes, Alex was no lost cause. That was why she calmly said, "You don't have to do it."

She saw how the other woman was walking disoriented through the living room, even though she did have a destination in her blurry mind.

"You don't understand it… shit… did you forget what I told you?!"

Alex nearly snapped at her and although it hurt her more than Piper, she couldn't silence herself when the words had slipped out of her mouth. She was no longer talking- the poison was.

"Alex, you need to calm down."

"You fucking know what I need."

"Alex-"

"You don't fucking get it, you can't get it."

"You don't know what you're saying."

"You're still here… why are you still here?!"

"You can't push me away."

That moment Alex realised that Piper was standing right in front of her, stopping her movements and her train of thoughts. Yet, she didn't feel her tender hands on her biceps. Piper saw Alex right in front of her, she was with her in the same room, she felt her burning skin beneath her palms. But Alex wasn't there, she was out of reach, she was far away. The blonde began to soothingly rub her arms, somehow trying to bring Alex back but the black-haired woman was too far gone. What was she supposed to do? She didn't want the brunette to drift away into her numb and lonely delirium. She didn't want her to because she was there, she needed to show Alex that she wasn't the only one who was alone. And at the same time, she didn't want Alex to leave her behind in this cold world. They could be lonely together. But if the brunette was going to take a hit, Piper knew that it would throw up a cloud touching wall between them again. Alex would be sky high whilst Piper would fall on the ground again and would hate her for it. She would hate Alex and she would hate herself for having believed that she could be the one who saved Alex, that she could be the one for Alex the brunette would do anything and everything for. It was this "a person comes into your life and changes your whole life and your whole self" kind of bullshit. And right now, she could slap herself for falling for this lie. Alex once had asked her what she expected from her. That would have been her answer. She actually expected Alex to be better. How fucking selfish of her to think that Alex would change herself only for her. Yet, she was still here, she didn't leave. Even Alex wanted her to be gone but Piper couldn't. As much as Alex could hurt her, the brunette could heal her equally much. It was like Alex let her down only to pick her up again, like she watched her fall apart only to put her together again. Alex herself told her that she deserved better, and Alex was the only one who actually believed it.

When she saw how Alex began to nervously look through the room, Piper searched for her ice-blue eyes that replaced her usual emerald colour and swiftly wrapped her hands around the brunette's neck whilst Alex looked like she was losing her mind.

"Hey, hey, Alex, I'm here… you're not alone, look."

She carefully rested a hand on Alex's pale cheek to make her look at her. As her eyes haven't met her blue ones yet, she said, "Look at me. I'm here, I'm here…I'm here."

Eventually, ice-blue fell upon her, her soft hand caressing the other woman's cold and sweaty cheek.

"Piper?"

The blonde thought she finally got her back, she thought that she managed to pull her back from her abyss. Nodding her head as her ocean blue eyes looked up at the dark-haired woman, she slowly rubbed her thumb over the burning skin underneath a little cut of her pale eye. Piper saw how Alex's eyes began to focus again, began to see again and a dash of green beamed through the fog. She got her. Almost.

Alex blinked her eyes and, when they fluttered open again, everything was gone.

"Leave me alone. Go."

Taking shaky steps back, the brunette stared at her like she was… an intruder. It was a bullet right into her chest. If she wasn't such a masochist, she would have shot right back at her. Instead, she approached her, making Alex who started to scratch her arms walk backwards.

"I want to help you, please, let me."

Through gritted teeth, Alex's demons said, "You don't wanna help me. You just don't want me to use. You don't give a fuck about me. You don't want me to use because you'd see who I am… and then you'd hate me again… I told you, Piper. It's not my fault. I didn't hide who I am. This is the fucking reality. I know you can't put up with it, I know you can't put up with me… Damn, Pipes, I fucking told you! There's nothing you can do."

While she had been talking, she had walked up to the shorter woman as well and when they were face to face, Alex towering her, she added, "What do I have to say to make you understand? I told you that you're better off without me, I told you that you deserve so much better… if you think you can change me, you're just wasting your time… what do I have to do to make you go, huh? Do you want me to get fucking faded right in front of you? Is that what you want?!"

"Alex, stop-"

"Stop what? You wanna escape reality? Then watch me."

The brunette walked past her into the kitchen, opening the drawer that has been calling out for her and spread her stuff on top of the kitchen counter.

"Stop-" Piper tried again as she walked up to the other woman who put white powder into a pipe and was holding a lighter in her other trembling hand.

"I told you, Piper! I told you! You should've left, I told you to leave… I didn't want you to see this."

The counter was separating them. They were standing on the contrary sides of it across from each other. Yet, Piper somehow believed that the wall wasn't up yet. She had nearly got her back. She was sure she could do it again. She had to. Somewhere, there was still some _green_ left behind the ice and snow.

* * *

 _Fuck, please don't hate me... I mean, I at least managed to upload two chapters in one month, right? It's just that I still need to stay true to the story. However, this one is meant to be kinda open-ended. I figured if you guys dislike this chapter my only way to keep you into it was to leave you hanging. Sorry...  
_

 _Anyways, some of you were wondering if ''my'' Tyler Durden is the Tyler Durden from the movie_ Fight Club. _Yes, you guys were right, he (the Brad Pitt- Tyler Durden) simply popped up in my head when I created this character in my story. Another thing I wanted to tell you is that I'll post a complete track list of all the songs I used in this fic when I'll finish it. Don't worry, I got you guys... trust me..._

 _Again, thanks so so much for every review, follow and favourite. Your comments are always the kind of motivation that makes me sit down and makes me find some time to write. So honestly, please continue to tell me what you think, even if you're angry or upset or fed up or just tired of my angsty ass..._


	13. Why So Serious?

_Chapter 13: Why So Serious?_

 _"I don't know Lucy…"_

 _"Why? Is the cool Alex Vause chickening out?"_

 _Lifting her gaze from the silver sting, her stoned gaze fell on the girl sitting next to her._

 _"Do you want to escape or not?"_

 _She didn't only want to escape, she wanted to expire, numbing and killing everything inside of her and the whole world._

 _"Al, forget about our lame kush, that stupid school dope got nothing on this," the bronze-haired girl told her, waggling the white bag in front of Alex's eyes like a bait._

 _"Have you tried it before?" Alex asked her, the slightest hint of fear in her voice that she didn't want to show._

 _"I had to examine the product."_

 _Her tone was playful but when she saw that Alex was still hesitant, she gave her a soft look and added, "Baby, I'm here, we're gonna do this together and as I already know what it's like, you can trust me that once you try it, you'll find nothing better than this."_

 _That line was going to haunt her for the rest of her life. Because Lucy was right. Alex would find nothing better than this snow powder, nothing and nobody would compete with it._

 _Her emerald eyes looked at her white salvation before she met Lucy's gaze again. Licking her lips, she knew that the older girl was waiting for a final decision._

 _"I won't feel anything?"_

 _Lucy shook her head._

 _"And I'll forget about everything?"_

 _"You'll forget about everything."_

 _As if it was already owning her, a silver sparkle won Alex's attention. She looked at the needle in her hands, a handful of doubts still burdening her dark mind. When a soft hand was on her pale cheek, turning her head to the side and soft lips met her own, the darkness overshadowed the rest of her doubts._

 _The kiss was long, as it always would be every time the two girls would come together. They weren't in love. It was more of a giving-and-taking relationship. The two went to the same school and although Alex was a junior and Lucy was a senior, their paths had met nevertheless. Apparently, tearing people apart wasn't the only thing drugs could do. There was no big story behind them. They had met at a party, both having a faded mind and hooked up. Ever since, those were the things they were doing. Getting high together and keeping each other company by making the other come. Yet, it was only physical. They were friends who used each other und used together. Alex didn't have many friends, she preferred to be alone anyway and most girls just followed her into her bed and used the dark-haired girl to try something that wasn't cheap alcohol._

 _Yet, Lucy was different. She truly cared about Alex, she was nearly two years older and felt kind of protective over her little warrior, she was a real friend even though their friendship was based on the concept of using. The difference was that Alex wasn't the only one who gave. Because Lucy wasn't shallow. Unlike all other girls, she didn't need Alex for a little bag of pot. As much as Alex knew, the bronze-haired woman could afford a whole plantation and mostly, Lucy would share her stuff with Alex without expecting anything in return. The older girl who was really pretty (not only in Alex's eyes) with her tanned skin, something junkies usually didn't have, and her big hazel eyes that matched the colour of her long hair and simply got along with everyone she met, came from a good home. Her father, something Alex never had, was an attorney, her mother, something Alex was about to lose, was a surgeon. The only thing the two girls probably had in common was that they were always home alone. Well that, and their lust for drugs and sex. If they weren't high all the time or underneath each other, they might have become more than friends. But it was easy how things were and together, they made living easier._

 _And that was something Alex needed right now more than ever. Although the raven-haired girl wouldn't talk too much, Lucy could see if the world let her down another time. Sure, they could talk about it, like normal people. But they were junkies, talking wasn't good enough to blank out the world they were so sick of. They killed it by killing their memory. And when Lucy realised that things must have become worse with Alex's mother, she did what friends did and helped her. Except, that they both were friends with an itching arm._

 _"Lou, can you… inject me?" the younger girl eventually asked when their mouths disconnected._

 _Nodding her head in response, they kissed once more before they would cut off their bonds from reality. When they pulled apart, Alex watched her friend standing up and walking over to her desk. They were at her place as Lucy's parents weren't home once again and even if they were, they would need three days to reach their daughter's room as their home was literally a mansion. As the emerald-eyed girl was still sitting on the floor against her friend's bed, Lucy ordered her to get comfortable on top of it. Alex did as she had been told and could feel her heart beating in her throat. So far, she only smoked blunts and twice or thrice popped some pills. That was the first time she would use something harder. That was the first time she would die._

 _A bittersweet smell filled the room and when Lucy turned to her, holding a belt and the silver painkiller in her hands, Alex didn't know that this image and this scent would forever be engraved into the back of her brain. The mattress shifted when the other girl sat down next to her on the edge of the side of her big bed. Looking at the younger girl, a reassuring smile settled on her face when she said, "I told you to get comfortable."_

 _Her emerald eyes moved from her shaking legs up at her friend who spoke up again, "We're in this together, baby. Just you and me. No problems, no pain, no cancer, no world. Nothing. Just you and me."_

 _Finally, the last rope that was trying to violently keep Alex in the real world was torn in two and she moved her free arm towards her friend, resting it on her thigh. A belt wrapped around it and the dark-haired woman balled her hand into a fist. Lucy pressed a fingertip against the skin, looking for the right vein. When she found it, she looked up at her friend one last time and slightly raised her brows._

 _"Fuck the world?"_

 _Although Alex was about to lose control, she would regain some of it, too. Because she was in charge now. She would leave, disappear, escape from the world that was always trying to capture her and to fuck her up. She would be out of reach and would go somewhere the world and its punishers could not follow her. The world no longer could fuck her up. And that fact was Alex's weapon to fuck the world up. Because she was sure that she was its favourite victim._

 _Veins popped up beneath her ivory skin and when she saw the needle and felt the cold sting knocking against it and asking for entrance she lifted her gaze, meeting Lucy's and gave her her final decision._

 _"Fuck the world."_

 _Melted snowflakes rushed into her blood and killed all her hate, all her anger, all her pain, all her hidden tears, all her swallowed feelings. Reality died, and she died with it._

* * *

She hasn't thought about Lucy in a long time and she didn't know why she crossed her mind right now. It's been nearly 5 years ever since they last saw each other, nearly 5 years ever since their ways parted. Her friend had graduated and moved to Miami to study. Although Alex would never hold it against her or would accuse her for abandoning her, it had been a big loss. In this world were only a handful of people she could really count on. And Lucy had been one of them. Lately, Alex has been losing a lot. Her family, her name, her grip on reality, her memory, and when the door shut and bitter tasting smoke billowed from her lips, she lost her, too. This outcome was destined to happen. She couldn't live a life in which her two greatest addictions would coexist. They were magnets, pushing each other away and now her brown-coloured addiction kicked her golden-haired one out. And she wasn't sure if she could exist without either of them.

Piper had really tried. She had really tried to stop her, Alex could see it. To be honest, she had stayed even longer than the brunette would've ever guessed, it had actually surprised that Piper hadn't left her in an instant with throwing hurtful words at her. But when she inhaled her dark oxygen her body had been craving for, Piper hadn't needed to say anything. Alex could see it. How much she hated her again. She knew that face all too well. The moment she had inhaled her hazel and Piper had swiftly changed into her own clothes and thrown her hoodie right into her face, the feeling comparable with a slap. Even when she had heard how her front door snapped shut, Alex could still see it. That burning ice inside of her beautiful blue eyes froze her faster than her drugs. Because she wasn't numb enough, voices, memories, faces and reality still had their fingers around her limbs.

 _"…you can trust me that once you try it, you'll find nothing better than this."_

Those words were an echo that was driving her insane. Lucy had seen it coming without either of them really being aware of it. Her friend had been right and for the first time, she wondered what would've happened if Lucy had stayed and they would have continued their ecstasy. Every time they had used together, they had shot it. But Alex had never done it herself. Her chestnut-haired friend had always done it for her. Ever since she had been gone though, the dark-haired woman hasn't managed to push the needle deep enough. She simply couldn't do it. It would have been different. There had been certain moments in which the sting had already been tickling her skin but she had chickened out. All she ever wanted was to forget and die and smoking or snorting were enough to do so. Shooting was better though. If she had smacked up right now instead of smoking her heroin, she wouldn't be thinking about Piper's face anymore, she wouldn't be thinking about the pain in her eyes anymore, she wouldn't see or feel any of it anymore. A shot would've been her bullet that would send her right into her familiar nothingness. Instead, she had to walk into it after she had just only put a knife into herself. And Piper's face or Lucy's words were trying to push her off her path and lead her into another nothingness. Into the nothingness inside of her.

She wondered if Lucy was still using.

She wondered if she would ever see Piper again.

She wondered why she was still wondering about anything.

She wondered if she could ever quit.

She wondered if she could quit Piper without having to learn to shoot.

She wondered if even her drugs could no longer do her right.

Because right now, even though her body began to relax and was satisfied as it finally got what it wanted, she still needed to shoot Piper out of her mind, out of her heart, out of her veins. Piper wasn't with her and yet, she was still there.

She sank down on the ground, her back sliding against the counter until she was sitting on the mosaic floor. In front of her was the big city at night. Ice-blue eyes were staring at the other skyscrapers across from her apartment before they bored holes into the sweater in her hands. Yet, her hands were more than empty. The ability to feel disappeared. The aching inside her bones disappeared. The burning underneath her skin disappeared. The thoughts on her mind disappeared. The guilt disappeared. The only thing that stayed and wouldn't disappear was Piper.

She was gone. _But she would never leave her._

* * *

Eyeing her reflection from another century, she was waiting for her to break the silence. She shook her head because just like she herself, she couldn't believe it. Eventually, she vocalised her visible disbelief.

"I can't believe it."

Tracing her tongue over her lips, Alex raised her brows and knew that the woman across from her wasn't done.

"How is this justice?! I don't get it. I thought we were living in a state of law? This is bullshit, plain, perfect bullshit. How much does he want from you?"

"30 grands."

A scoff came out before she said, "30 grands?! For what? His cosmetic surgeon?! That bastard better not cross my way or he'll visit his plastic surgeon again."

"He actually convinced the jury that it was a case of grievous bodily harm… said that he could no properly breathe through his nose for the rest of his life and claimed to be disabled… that's why they took my license for an indefinite period of time."

Her glassy husky eyes met her emerald ones, the expression on her face instantly free of her rage.

"Baby girl-"

"No, it's-"

 _Fine?_

 _Hell no, that wasn't fine at all_. Lately, nothing has been fine. But who was she kidding? Why was she even trying if the person who knew every of her birthmarks, every of her scars, every of her defense mechanisms, every of her movements perfectly was the woman who taught her how to read persons?

"It is what it is, we can't change it… I can't change it."

When she said her last words, she wasn't talking about the court order anymore. And the woman across from her knew it.

"How's Piper? When are you gonna introduce me to her, like, in a decent way and not after you two were-"

"Please mum," Alex immediately interrupted her, feeling more than uncomfortable talking about her sex life with her mother, and her feelings.

"I know what I saw, Al… She's really pretty."

Her light blue eyes pierced her, successfully putting pressure on the black-haired woman who was fighting not to give in. Yet, even if she kept her mouth shut, her mother would get it out of her either way.

"And now tell me what happened."

Pulling her brows together, Alex nervously readjusted her glasses, being careful as she did so due to her bruised nose and black eye.

"Ah, I just did, didn't I? Mr motherfucker Tyler Durden won the trial, I have to pay him 30000 dollar and I'm not allowed to officially fight at will. That's pretty much what happened."

Her eyes dug deeper into her and Alex wasn't sure how much longer she could take it. Of course her mother saw right through her and knew what Alex was trying to do. Nevertheless, it was worth a shot.

Diane sighed, leaning back into the chair, her strong gaze never leaving her daughter though. In addition to the already existing tension, she raised a perfect brow at the younger woman and knew that it was only a matter of time until her daughter would no longer hold any of it.

She cleared her throat before she said, "Alex."

It was this familiar, typical mother tone, the type of tone that was louder than a scream and could break any control. The kind of tone she had used every time her daughter hadn't been honest with her and wouldn't admit that she had forgotten to take out the trash. It was nostalgic. And enough for Alex to surrender.

"Look, it's complicated, okay?"

"Oh baby girl, tell me something new. What isn't complicated about you?"

A Vause smirk adorned her mother's face and Alex just exhaled loudly before she let herself fall back against the backrest of her chair as well.

"I really don't know what you want to hear, mum. I mean, it's… you see, I don't even know what to say because I have nothing to say."

Before she took her eyes off her mother and turned her head to the side, she saw how she squinted hers slightly. It wasn't a sign of confusion, it rather showed that her mother actually understood her. So, she undertook the talking as her daughter was rather wordless.

"Do you know what I see? I see how you found someone who isn't meek and mild about everything you do and say."

Shaking her head with a frown on her face, Alex told her, "No offense, but you don't know her. I mean, mum, I barely even know her."

Without the passing of a heartbeat, her mother replied, "We both know her well enough to say that she's the tear in your heart."

" _Tear in my heart_? Did someone put something in your coffee this morning or where did you get this poetic, schmaltzy thing from?"

There it was again, Alex's sarcasm she would use as her defense mechanism, a shield that was meant to hide her feelings and protect her at the same time. Still, it was no one but her mother sitting across from her.

"Stop being an ass baby girl. She's a game changer because although I haven't met her yet, I can tell she's different… and you can tell that, too. You can actually feel it but I know you wouldn't admit it. She doesn't take your bullshit and actually stands up to you. Unlike all those other girls, she doesn't only see your money and fame. And I know that it scares and excites you at the same time. And I also know that you care about this blonde little angel. Damn Alex, she's the tear in your heart because she breaks your heart to bring it back to life. Am I right?"

Her mother would have become an outstanding detective. The things she would find out about a person without having even talked to them were enough to destroy them. She was able to solve every mystery, she was able to find every treasure. She even saw the treasure inside of her daughter.

As the younger woman didn't speak up, a cocky grin spread over Diane's face when she stated, "Now I'd understand why you're speechless."

Alex instantly gave her a deadpan look, causing her mother to chuckle. For a moment, they both enjoyed the silence and the warm sunbeams on their skin that were shining on them whilst they were sitting on Alex's balcony. As her mother was taking in the view of the busy city, Alex looked at her and decided to stop trying and just be honest.

"It's too late, though. I fucked up, as usual."

Her gaze still fixed on the streets, she asked her daughter, "Did she say that?"

Pulling her brows together, Alex was trying to figure out what her mother was getting at.

"What?"

"Did she say that it would be too late?"

"Well, no… but she didn't need to. She made it pretty clear."

"Are you sure?"

"Mum, what?"

Her sentence fell apart before it even ended as she was more than clueless. Piper hated her, she always has, even when she was with her, she hated her. It was a fact engraved in stone.

"What makes you so sure that there's nothing you can do?"

 _Because I'm a doomed junkie, a lost cause._

 _And Piper is an angel with broken wings that I would tear off her even if I fixed them._

"She deserves better than me, that's all."

Diane's eyes were locked on hers and although she didn't say anything, the look on her mother's face told Alex that she disagreed with her. Yet, Alex didn't want to explain to her why because if she did, she would tell her about her ecstatic drug abuse. She was simply too ashamed of it. Even though her mother knew about it, she didn't know about the exact amount of antidotes she regularly used nor that she was always close to an overdose. Sometimes even Alex herself wondered how she hadn't overdosed yet. Still, her mother wasn't supposed to know about it. She already had to live with the fact that Piper did know about it and even had to witness it with her own heaven blue eyes.

Their gazes disconnected and the older woman eventually leaned forward, resting her elbows on top of the table. Turning her head to the side, Alex watched her from the corner of her eye and saw how her mother admired the view over the whole city again. Her brows slightly furrowed and Alex was caught off guard when she heard, "How long do you think you can do this?"

Her cold hand lifted and readjusted the glasses on top of her nose as she was cut off before she could even ask her mother what she was talking about.

"It will ruin you, you know? Alex, I'm not blind. It's summer and your skin is still covered in snow. Besides the bruises on your face I know that the reason your eyes are red every time I see you wasn't a fight. I know that you're trying not to but you actually want to scratch your arms… You think no one can understand it… why you're doing those things you're doing… am I wrong if I say that ever since you met her, you've started to question them, too?"

When her daughter's eyes shot up at her, visibly trying to hide the fact that she knew what Diane was talking about, she failed to cover it up with fake confusion.

"Don't give me this look, Al. I know that you know that I'm right. And you also know that I know that you spend all your money on drugs. I can barely remember the last time we met and you weren't hopped up."

"That's not true, I didn't use anything before you came," Alex instantly said.

"Oh, really? So explain to me why it took you like thirty minutes to actually come out of the bathroom after you had let me in… or why it smelled like vinegar when I stepped in even though you didn't cook anything?"

Based on the fact that her daughter didn't say anything, no longer trying to fool her, Diane added, "Yeah, that's what I figured. Do you really believe that you can waste the rest of your life on nameless hook-ups and drugs? Are you that driven to test every line until you'll eventually fall off the edge? If I could, I would catch you… but you don't let me. Piper doesn't deserve better than you, Al. You deserve better than that. Do you know how much it hurts to know that no matter what I say and no matter what I do, there's still an ocean between us. I wanted to build a bridge to get to you, but you always tear down every piece of it. And sure, I don't know what happened between you two but I'm pretty sure that my bridge wasn't the only one you burned down. Dry it out, this ocean, you don't need it anymore. You're safe, you're strong. Don't wait until it's too late and you'll have sunk to the bottom."

That was the point. She already reached the bottom. It was dead-end for her and yet, it surprised her that Piper and her mother still saw her above the surface. She didn't know if it was hope or desperation that fooled them. Sometimes, she hated that as flawless persons like her mother or Piper or even Red still tried. They still tried to hold onto her, to pull her back, to somehow reach her, only because they would care about her. And every time she was reminded of it, she hated it. They should just give up on her and leave her alone instead of following her into her lightless emptiness.

"See, that's what I mean. Another wave hit you again," her mother suddenly said, her words as loud as her thoughts. "You're running away again although I didn't do anything to you."

 _Yes you did, you care about me, that's what you did to me._

As if she had vocalised her thoughts and given the external world access to her black mind, Diane told her, "You're not a burden. You make mistakes, and to be honest, not only a few but… they don't make you who you are, you're not your mistakes, Alex. That's something you should get into your head instead of your damn drugs."

It's been a long time ever since Alex had seen her mother reveal her anger, or feelings in general. It wasn't that she was as numb and emotionless as her daughter. In fact, she was wearing her heart on her sleeve but she had no temper. Her emotions wouldn't slip out that easily. Usually, she was cool, maybe even disciplined but kind and loving nevertheless. She was simply neutral, listening and thinking before she would speak up, never jumping to any conclusions or judging someone. For that, she knew people way too well. People were her books.

So Alex was surprised, seeing and hearing her mother's exasperation. And again, Alex hated that her mother was upset, that she was the reason her mother was upset. Only because she cared about her. Why was she still holding onto her?

Nobody understood her. _Only her drugs did._

Nobody got her. _Only her drugs did._

Nobody knew what it was like to be her. _Only her drugs made her forget what it was like._

Averting her mother's sudden cold gaze, Alex looked at her hands in her lap that were so heavy although they were absolutely empty and balled them into fists, closing the chance to fight the creepy-crawlies beneath her thin membrane.

Not wanting to let her anger out, especially as her mother would be the last person she wanted to be her target, Alex exhaled, wanting to breathe out the words and thoughts her demons were planting inside of her mind before she said, "I can understand that you're worried but, you don't need to be. I've got this, alright?"

With a softness in her eyes that killed her daughter, Diane looked at her, studied her, finding every lie and every truth between every line and let herself fall back against the backrest again. No matter what she would do, if she got angry with her, yelled at her, pleaded her, begged her, left her, confronted her, it would all be in vain. The only person her daughter was listening to was invisible, and inside her head. It was her doppelgänger, the dark existence, her final enemy, a cold and broken copy of herself. Only Alex could hear it, only Alex could see it because every time she looked in the mirror, she saw that person and wasn't aware that it was only an illusion. Alex thought she saw herself in her reflection but she didn't. And as long as she wouldn't realise this, nobody could help her.

She knew why Alex wasn't returning her gaze and, as she was still staring at her, she mumbled under her breath, "You've never been in control baby girl."

Although she knew that her mother had said something, she hadn't understood her and yet decided not to question her. Somehow, she wasn't willing to change the subject entirely though. She was more than done to talk about her addiction, she always was. But she was never tired of Piper. Even if that golden-haired woman annoyed her or made her incredibly furious, she was thinking way too much about the blonde which only increased her amount of antidotes. She thought that she was curing herself by inhaling her brainkillers, not knowing that it was the other way around. Piper wasn't the reason she needed healing, Piper wasn't plaguing her. Her opium and heroin were the poison she infected herself with, not the feelings Piper evoked inside of her. The only thing she was right about was the fact that the blonde could kill her more than her drugs. That was a fact, deep buried within her but not fitting into her box. That was the fact that kept her awake at night, the fact that kept her mind running, the fact that drove her into her desire to silence it. So what if, instead of pushing them deeper down, she would just let them out?

"It's gonna be her birthday on Friday."

This time, Alex managed to astonish her mother who instantly found her emerald gaze. If the mood hadn't been this dark, Alex knew that her mum would have probably smiled.

"Do you have anything in mind for her?"

Usually, the emerald-eyed woman would have escaped from this conversation. But this was Piper they were talking about.

"It's not like that… we, we're not together… we've never been."

"And yet you know when her birthday is."

"Yeah because I looked it up on the internet… we don't talk much."

Eyeing her daughter intently, Diane eventually asked the question, "What do you want, Alex?"

 _She wanted Piper._

 _She needed Piper._

 _But she wanted her drugs._

 _She needed them, too._

Those silent answers instantly popped up but she kept them to herself, not wanting to cause another argument.

"I, I dunno… I mean, it's just… god," she eventually groaned.

The younger woman ran her hands through her black waves, clearly being lost. And feeling uncomfortable as she didn't know how talk about her 'feelings' although it was her mother who she was talking to. Her mother remained silent, knowing that at some point Alex was going to speak up again.

"We either want to kiss or kill each other, you know? One minute she touches me with a soft hand and the next it's around my throat. And she's so fucking stubborn, seriously. She's always so hell-bent on getting her own way even if it's more than obvious that she's just gonna ram her head against a wall. But because of her stubbornness she has her own opinions and thoughts. And it's so easy to piss her off, she has such a bad temper. I just have to look at her the wrong way and I have to fear for my life. But at the same time she has this passion, this fire and it's so real. And although she's so beautiful and gets paid for it, she needs someone to remind her that she is. She's peace and war at the same time. She's… different."

It was like a waterfall full of words. Her dam broke, being flooded by all those thoughts she had kept to herself or had been unaware of. She hadn't even had the slightest chance to hold them back if she had tried. They simply overwhelmed her and when the pressure was gone, Alex began to realise what she had just said. And it had only been a few of Piper's facets she knew. Actually, she could go on, probably be talking about the tiniest things she noticed about the blonde but her mother's face was silencing. She didn't need to ask her what she was thinking, that expression on her face revealing enough.

Alex rolled her eyes at this, returning to her familiar, distant and heartless self again. Yet, she's been feeling lighter ever since those words and thoughts she had been keeping underneath her skin came out of her mouth, unlike her urge that she could feel beneath her skin as well. Vocalising her other addiction wouldn't change a thing.

"I think you know what you gotta do baby girl," were the only words her mother said although they both knew that she could tease the fuck out of her.

They both eventually looked to the side, watching the summer sun slowly set, flooding the city in orange and purple. The two women began to talk about small things that weren't so hard for Alex to talk about until the older woman stated that it was time for her to go. As they reached the brunette's front door, she repeatedly asking her if she should drive her home, her mother only shook her head again. Her hand was on the door knob but before she twisted it, she looked up at her daughter.

"Oh, I almost forgot… put an end to this stupid dispute between you and Nicky."

Before Alex could ask her how she knew about their fight, her mother added, "She called me. More than once. She didn't directly ask but she wanted to know if you're okay."

Although Alex wasn't really angry, nor mad, something was driving her nevertheless as she stated, "If she wants to know if I'm okay she should ask me and not you."

Her mother didn't say anything though. Instead, she nodded her head and wrapped her arms around her taller daughter. Before she pulled away, she whispered into her ear, "Stop being an ass, Al," and gave her one last tight squeeze. With that and a typical smirk on her face that was warm and piercing at the same time, she turned around and stepped out of Alex's apartment.

Her mother was right. She knew what she had to do.

* * *

The screen of her mobile lit up. She just finished a photoshoot, covering international magazines for the next month. Although she wouldn't admit it, she was disappointed when she saw the caller ID. It wasn't the name of the woman that has been haunting her for more than three months now. Of course she wouldn't pick up the phone if the black-haired woman would be on the other end of the line. Still, deep down she's been waiting for a call, a text, something that would show her that she was important, that Alex wouldn't only think about her when she was stoned. Mostly, it would just be a nice push for her own ego though. If she had the opportunity to shut her down, it would mean that she would be in control and gain the upper hand in those mad games they were playing. And it would mean that Alex would miss her. But apparently, her mind might be too empty, just like her stoned heart.

Walking out of the building and quickly into her already waiting car, she answered the call even though she knew what was waiting for her.

"Hey Polly."

"Pipe, are you at home?"

Sitting in the backseat of the car and looking through the darkened window, she frowned. She was plain confused by her best friend's weird behaviour which wasn't weird at all.

Although the other woman couldn't see her, the blonde's eyebrows were still knitted together when she asked, "I'm on my way home, why?"

"Great. Tell Gerald to run every red light to get there ASAP."

That was the moment Piper was relieved as her best friend's weirdness returned. Although she didn't understand the urgency, a Polly that was behaving weird was the Polly she knew.

"Why? Do you want me to spend the night before my birthday at the police department?"

When her words left her mouth, realisation hit her.

"Oh, no, no, no, no. Polly, seriously, please don't tell me that you planned something for me. I really don't wanna do anything tonight, nor tomorrow. Don't make me regret having given you my spare key. Honestly Polly, do I need to be scared of coming home?"

"Pipe, relax."

Instead of calming her down, Polly's tone actually made her nervous. She really wasn't in the mood to celebrate, not even if it was her birthday. Lately, her life has rather been a daily punch right into her guts than a pleasant ride. And thanks to a certain black-haired woman, it was a messy rollercoaster as well.

With a slight mixture of tiredness and flurry in her voice, the blonde said, "Now I'm scared. I better not walk in on a stripper jumping out of a huge cake."

"Do you really take me for someone who does something like that?" the woman on the other line asked her that had totally something in store for her.

"Actually, no. I'll probably walk in on a whole strip club in my apartment."

"That sounds more like something I would do."

The back of her head collided with the rest before she shut her eyes and quickly said, "Polly, please promise me that you didn't turn my place into a brothel."

"I think you gotta find out yourself."

Her blue eyes immensely fast wide open again, Piper warned her best friend, "Polly-" but got no response as the line went dead again.

When the car eventually came to a halt in the parking lot of the building and Piper made her way to her apartment, she really didn't know what to expect because she could expect everything and it would still surprise her, both in a good and traumatic way. Pushing her key into the hole, she took a deep breath before she twisted it and opened her front door. When she entered her place, she called out for her friend whom she didn't see. Everything actually looked normal inside her apartment. Nothing was wrong and that was the reason Piper knew that something was wrong.

"Polly?" she repeated as she shut the door behind her and took her heels off on the way into her kitchen.

As there was still no sign of her friend, Piper nearly jumped when she heard a voice behind her saying, "You can take them on again."

Turning around, she saw her best friend standing in front of her and holding out the heels she had just taken off to her. The blonde squinted her eyes due to the fact that this whole thing looked fishy to her.

"Would you tell me what's going on?"

The shorter woman only shook her head in response and as Piper knew that she could say and do whatever she wanted, Polly would win in the end. So she surrendered, grabbing the heels and muttered under her breath that she'd need a few minutes to get ready. Whilst Polly was sitting on the couch in the living room, waiting for her friend to get ready, there was a soft knock, barely audible for her on the front door. Knitting her brows together as all the people she had invited were already at the club, she got up and yelled, "Are you expecting someone?" and walked over to the front door.

"No, why?" she heard her friend respond and opened the door.

"Hey uh… Holly? Is Piper here?"

Before Polly could figure out what was going on nor correct the woman in front of her, Piper came out of the bathroom and asked, "Who is it?"

Her friend didn't need to answer her question though as her azure eyes fell onto the raven-haired woman that was standing in the doorway. To say that her mood switched in a heartbeat was an understatement.

"Seriously Alex?!"

Whilst the blonde looked like she was about to chop her head off and as if something broke inside of her at the same time, Polly watched the scene from between the two women and stayed fixed to her spot when the black-haired woman took a few steps forward and entered the apartment. Right now, Piper only saw her as the junkie she was or at least, she tried to only see her as it. Because Alex was so much more, there was so much more to her and if she just ignored it and blocked it out, she might be able to throw her out.

"You really do know each other?" Polly suddenly spoke up, interrupting the intense glances the other women were giving each other.

Pulling her brows together, Alex walked past her, eyes on Piper again when she asked, "Can we talk in private?"

"What the hell is going on?!" the short woman asked and closed the door.

"Nothing," the blonde explained blatantly before she looked at Alex and told her, "We are nothing."

Already having assumed that Piper would be giving her a hard time, the black-haired woman ran a hand through her hair before she said, "Look, I totally get that you're angry-"

"Angry? For what? That you're a fucking junkie? That you're a goddamn asshole that thinks that can play with me? Oh, don't worry about it, it's fine. Now go."

"Pipes-"

"You're a hophead? Piper why didn't you tell me? What did she do to you?" the model's best friend asked and approached them when Piper just did what she usually did and walked away.

"Holly, no offense, but that's none of your business," Alex told her and followed Piper into the bathroom.

She just heard the shorter woman yell something after her and locked the door when the blonde and her were eventually alone in the bathroom.

"You're threading on really thin ice," Piper informed her as she turned away from the mirror and faced her.

Seeing the hidden pain behind the sky of her eyes, the black-haired woman swallowed before she replied, "I know but it's worth it."

"I don't wanna hear any of your shit and apologies anymore, Alex."

"I was just trying to protect you."

"Protect me? How did you protect me by kicking me out like a fucking strayer, huh?!"

"I told you that I didn't want you to see what happens when…"

Not being able to finish her sentence, the blonde did it for her.

"you can't keep yourself together anymore and don't give a fuck about anything else?"

"Piper, you know that I use."

"You don't use, you're addicted. Don't make me look like a fool."

"Like a fool? I'm not making you look like a fool-"

"Yes you do. You don't get it into your damn brain that you're an addict, Alex. I just wanted to help you. Everything was fine until it wasn't anymore."

Alex knew that what she actually meant was that she couldn't be with someone like her, with someone who needed a big rush through her veins, with someone who needed something as much as her.

"What do you want?" the blonde eventually asked when silence settled around them.

Feeling absolutely exposed in her blue gaze, Alex had to look away and was interrupted by a heavy knock on the door.

"Piper, are you okay? Is she harassing you? I swear I'm gonna call the cops if you-"

"It's fine," the blonde stated, her eyes still on Alex who readjusted her glasses on top of her nose.

"It will be my birthday tomorrow."

"I know," she heard Alex mumble and was having a tons of thoughts clouding her mind.

Alex was right. She never made it a secret that she smoked heroin and snorted cocaine. The true reason she was mad at her was this sweet imagination of her being the reason Alex could quit. But it seemed like it was easier for the woman in front of her to quit her. At least, that was what she had been thinking all this time. Seeing Alex standing in front of her though, this tall, coldhearted and tough woman in her ripped dark jeans, black tight top and leather jacket, she realised what a hold she had on her, how much power she had over her.

"Pipe, we gotta get going," Polly reminded her through the door. "Tell super-cunt that you have more important things to take care of."

Still looking at the black-haired woman, she saw how Alex was bewildered by Polly's nickname for her. Her gaze remaining on Alex who eventually held it, she told her best friend, "You still haven't told me what we're gonna do."

"Just call your driver, that's everything I need to tell you."

"I can't actually," Piper lied.

 _Alex wasn't the only one who could play games._

Internally counting down, the blonde heard her friend say, "What do you mean you can't?!"

"I mean that I can't call my driver. I guess we gotta find someone else who will drive us to wherever this place you're taking me is."

Of course Alex knew what Piper was getting at, especially when the blonde arched an eyebrow, all the time still staring at her. Yet, if that was the slightest chance she could get, she would take it.

"I can drive… my car is parked right there."

The raven-haired woman looked through the window of the bathroom and pointed a finger at a 1970 Dodge Charger that was standing on the other side of the building. _Wicked games._

* * *

Alex has known ever since the moment she had seen that Piper wearing this tight ass, black and short dress was wrong. So wrong. Because she wasn't the only one who could look at her. Those other people around her weren't blind, they could see the way this dress hugged her curves perfectly and exposed so much skin that was able to drive every person crazy. And that was driving Alex crazy.

When she had given Piper and her best friend who hadn't missed an opportunity to show her anger and dislike towards Alex a ride to this club where the model's friends had been waiting for her to show up, she hadn't known what she had gotten herself into. Piper ignored her, acted like she was invisible. She knew that she deserved it and even though she didn't know why she's been sitting at this booth for hours, she knew that she wouldn't leave. From time to time some of the model's friends would approach her and try to make small talk with her but the black-haired woman would only brush them off. Right now, she was way too busy to plot the death of this guy who was dancing way too close and way too intimate with Piper. Some of her friends and the brunette herself were sitting at the booth in the private area of the club and the view over the crowd was so perfect that Alex could see everything. The way this guy was undressing her with his eyes, the way his hands grabbed around her waist, the way his body was pressed against hers. Alex didn't care about Piper's sexuality. Actually, the thought of being the only woman the blonde was fucking with increased her self-confidence and took it to an even higher level. Yet, she knew that straight girls were dangerous. Being with a girl was mostly only an experiment for them until they would crave for a dick again. But she shouldn't worry about something like that because Piper wasn't with her. They weren't together, they weren't each other's girlfriends, they weren't each other's lovers. They were… just fucking with each other. And at this moment, Piper didn't fail to show her that she didn't belong her. And right now, the raven-haired woman wanted to own her because the way this blue-eyed beauty was owning her and was messing with her mind wasn't fair. She wondered if Piper and would have been her girlfriend by now if she wasn't using.

She didn't know much time has passed but at some point, she lost Piper and this stupid prick and couldn't find them. Neither did she know that glassy azure eyes were watching her and saw how women approached her.

"You're a friend of Piper's?"

Jade eyes still searching for bright hair, Alex just nodded her head although Piper and her were definitely not friends and didn't look at the pretty girl next to her.

"I'm Shayla."

Although she actually assumed that her lack of interest was more than obvious, Alex wanted to find out who this woman was. Shayla's auburn long hair was in a tight ponytail, the sharp edges of her cheekbones standing out. Alex didn't have no type but she would lie to herself if she said she wouldn't go home with this girl. Her dark dress was nearly as tight as Piper's and revealing skin at the right parts. Her big grey eyes were locked on hers and as an old habit, Alex raised a brow at her and said, "I'm Alex."

"Nice to meet you, Alex."

The raven-haired woman gave her a half smile before she returned her gaze onto the crowd again, searching for that one girl.

"Are you looking for someone?"

Before Piper, Alex had enjoyed the way women were paying attention to her, admiring her and hanging on her every word. Shayla was totally someone she would have followed home and left in the early hours again. But that had been before a golden-haired woman walked into her in a restroom and neither really paid attention to her, nor admired her and totally didn't hang on her every word. _She was so different._

Asshole or not, Alex really just wanted to get rid off this woman. She was pretty, very pretty, obviously a model and the brunette was sure that she could have anyone in this club. But not her.

Her emerald eyes still on the scout, she paused it when she felt a hand on her knee and the woman next to her whispered into her ear, "I can help you if you want me to… ask for anything."

That was the first time Alex wasn't that proud of this effect she had on other people. She knew that she was intimidating, not only because of her height or her black hair and attitude. She simply had this power, this control that could turn fire into ice and made everyone her underling. And usually, women found this very alluring, the girl sitting way too close to her the perfect proof.

"I gotta go," she just said and swiftly stood up, clear emerald eyes still looking for a perfectly known figure. But they didn't find their target. Instead, she only saw Polly at the bar, obviously getting new drinks. Alex approached her with quick steps, making her way through the crowd. Tapping the shorter woman lightly on the shoulder, Piper's best friend turned around.

"Alex!" she yelled in excitement.

The dark-haired woman gave her a small smile and she slightly leaned down, Polly's tipsy state apparently having vanished the fact that she couldn't stand her and asked, "Hey, uh, do you know where Piper is?"

"Aww, do you miss her?" Polly asked her with a smug grin, gathering the drinks before she looked up at the MMA fighter again.

When she saw that Alex didn't take her joke that well, she added, "I don't really know. Last time I saw her she went to the bathroom."

Her words haven't even completely left her mouth as she saw Alex walking towards the restrooms. To be honest, the smell of alcohol and party didn't make it easier for Alex to blank out her own desire. Yet, the feeling she had in her guts was telling her that something was wrong. She tried to focus on them, using them to forget about that other particular feeling. Finally reaching the restrooms, the brunette closed the door behind her and her gaze fell on a dozen booths before she spotted familiar blonde hair and something else she was equally much familiar with. If someone recognized drug dealers, it was Alex. And that woman that was blocking her view and was standing in front of Piper at one of the sinks was definitely one. She nearly ran up to them, neither of the two women apparently acknowledging her presence. Only when the black-haired woman slightly yet strongly shoved the curly-haired woman aside and stated, "Whatever you're offering, the answer is no," their gazes fell on her.

"Alexiii, why so serious?!" the blonde slurred, making the other woman chuckle as she raised a questioning eyebrow at Alex.

Frowning, the taller woman shot a glare at the stranger before she stepped between them. Standing in front of Piper, she made sure to separate the two women and kept them apart like a giant shield as she was searching for the blonde's blue eyes.

"You're always so grumpy, Alexi. Look at your wrinkles. They are 'I'm always grumpy' wrinkles."

Chuckling like a little girl, Alex's brows formed one line as the question how Piper came up with such a nickname for her was only the tip of the iceberg. The rest was the way the unknown woman was trying to screw herself in, invading Alex's and Piper's zone, their zone and was holding out her hand, in her palm a white pill. For a second, time stood still when that little circle actually sucked Alex in, reminding her what it was like not to feel anything. Pins and needles were in her hands before they released themselves and one smacked the hand of the devil, making the poison fall on the ground.

"Yo what the fuck?!" the curly-haired woman shouted, instantly kneeling down to pick the pill up.

As her gaze was fixed on Piper who didn't fail to hide her amusement at this situation, making Alex actually wonder if she had already popped one, she almost forgot about the other woman's presence.

"People pay 200 for this shit," the woman said as she stepped up to them again.

Reluctantly taking her eyes off Piper, the brunette turned her head to the side and took a step forward as if she wanted to protect the golden-haired woman behind her.

"200 for some E?"

The two women stared each other down, Piper being the only one who could break them up as she blurted out, "She should know. She's a junkie."

Piper's foot-in-mouth disease Alex immediately remembered when she looked over her shoulder. The younger woman was still grinning and yet, Alex found the pain this truth she had just stated evoked inside of her. She might be joking but she wasn't lying.

"Wait… aren't you Alex Vause?"

 _Here we go._

She sighed, glaring at the woman next to her as she asked, "So what?"

"You're the MMA fighter or I mean, you were… the one with the scandals and shit. And now there are only scandals about you."

 _Goddamn brainless drug dealers, dumb as a stump,_ the brunette thought to herself as she turned her back on the woman, ignoring the drug dealer and the drugs and rested her cold hands on Piper's cheeks. She was studying her, her eyes wandering over her face from her blonde hairline down to her chin. Although Piper's eyes weren't red, they glazed over which made Alex ask her, "Pipes, did you take anything? Are you okay?"

Her words didn't mean to come out that concerned but to be honest, Alex was very fucking concerned. When she had seen how close the golden-haired woman had been to that little life ruiner, her warning bells have started to ring. Only the imagination of Piper taking anything made her heart skip a beat because… she had the urge to save her. Of course it was weird, the drug addict stopping someone from taking drugs. But precisely this fact was the reason Alex did what she was doing and felt what she was feeling. She knew what it was like to pop something, to snort something, to smoke something and to shoot oneself something. Once you'd get a taste of it, this incredible feeling of numbness and carelessness, you'd wish you could feel like this forever. And the more you'd crave for it, the more you'd die. And, as she had already said, Piper didn't deserve it. She deserved so much better, she deserved the best.

Her hands still on Piper's cheeks, the shorter woman looked up at her. Alex was waiting for her to say something but instead, the woman behind her spoke up.

"Fine, you know what? Keep your money, this one's on the house."

Whilst Piper was still staring at her with eyes that mirrored nothing but admiration, due to her drunkenness Alex supposed, the beautiful blue so full of it that it made the usually tough and intimidating brunette feel small, she shut her eyes as an attempt to vanish her anger. In vain though.

Spinning around, the MMA fighter stared at the woman that has been pissing her off ever since she had seen her and said through gritted teeth, "We don't want any of your shit. Now get the fuck lost and if you go near her again I swear you wish you were never born."

The curly-haired woman instantly took a couple steps back, her hands up in surrender as she stated, "Easy tiger, I didn't know she was your girl."

Before Alex could correct her, Piper obviously way too drunk to even acknowledge what just happened and still found everything very amusing, the woman with curly hair walked out of the restrooms. The moment they were finally alone Alex faced the blonde again and saw her still staring at her with a sly grin on her face. As the dark-haired woman didn't know where to go from here, Piper took the next step.

" _Your girl,_ " she blurted out and ran a hand through Alex's black waves until she was playing with the ends of her strands.

Right now, Piper was acting like a girl, giggling like a girl, talking like a girl, holding her liquor like a girl. But she wasn't _Alex's girl_. She shouldn't be. Yet, the thought of it was giving her a strange feeling that she didn't know but has been familiar with ever since she had stumbled upon this golden-haired treasure. This feeling of having to throw up because her stomach turned and jumped. This feeling of having a heart attack any second because her heart was pounding against her ribcage like a machine gun. This feeling of passing out the next moment because everything was turning and frozen simultaneously. This feeling of being drunk and high at the same time because she couldn't think straight. This kind of feeling. As bad as it might sound, it wasn't bad at all though. It was thrilling, exciting, stinging, real, making her feel alive.

 _She's the tear in your heart._

A hot hand underneath the fabric of her shirt, igniting the skin under her breasts suddenly made her deep thoughts fade away and her jade eyes landed on the woman in front of her again who was closer to her than before. Alex could feel her warm breath on her own lips and the smell of tequila filled her nose as a slim knee found its way between her thighs and began to move. Its friction made the brunette lose her mind and composure for a second before she gathered all her strength and grabbed the other woman's wrists. Reluctantly removing the one hand under her chest and the other from her hip but not letting go, Alex gave out a sheepish small laugh that was still low enough to make Piper shiver, she stated, "I think it's time for the birthday girl to go home."

Her attempt to change the subject failed though as she heard the blonde say, "You didn't correct her," and pushed her knee higher between Alex's legs, making the taller woman slightly jump.

Piper was a wily minx, using sweet words, big blue eyes and her perfect body to seduce Alex to confess. Her face got even closer whilst her gaze shifted from her lips up to her emerald eyes again.

"Do you like it when people think I'm yours?"

Again, her knee moved, making Alex's own weak. The black-haired woman slowly released Piper's wrists and didn't notice that she had been walking backwards. Only when her bottom hit the sink she realised that Piper was trying to make her her prey. But Alex wanted to listen to her mind, she didn't want to take advantage of Piper's drunkenness which was the only reason the blonde was saying those things she was saying and doing those things she was doing. Her head was a mess when the model stepped up to her and captured her between herself and the sink as she rested her palms on it and leaned forward.

"Piper… you're drunk," Alex tried again.

But then the blonde licked her lips, still staring into green and replied, "Not drunk enough to not know what I'm doing… and what I saw."

Frowning, the black-haired woman somehow tried to remind the other woman of their height difference as she felt so small in Piper's dark blue gaze. Just when she wanted to question Piper's words, the door of the restrooms swung open and a furious Polly walked in.

"Here you are! I've been searching for you- hey, what are you guys doing in here?!" she asked, changing the tone of her voice mid-sentence.

Alex, who was the only that was able to take her eyes off the other woman in front of her, cleared her throat and steadied herself before she nonchalantly stated, "Piper here just said that she wants to go home," and with that, she slung an arm around the blonde's heavy body and pushed her forward, leading her through the club and other people to her car. Finally reaching her Dodge, internally wishing and praying that the blonde wasn't going to throw up in it, she opened the door for her and quickly got in as well as she didn't want to be bothered by paparazzi and just wanted to get Piper and herself out of here. Before she turned on the engine, she looked at the passenger next to her and saw Piper leaning against the door. _Thank god_ , the brunette mumbled under her breath as she assumed that the state of drunken sleepiness crushed upon the younger woman, not knowing that she was only refueling herself.

Enjoying the silence in the car, they were standing at an intersection light, waiting for it to turn green. That was the moment Piper was full of energy again and broke the stillness.

"I didn't take you for the jealous type."

"What?"

She turned her head to the side and saw a smug expression on Piper's face. The brunette just let out a husky chuckle as she returned her gaze on the road again and kept driving.

"You're really not good at hiding it, Al," she said with such a dirty innocence that Alex wanted to take her right here.

But she couldn't or rather, she shouldn't. She was only driving her home, making sure that she would get there safe and then would drive to her own place. That was it. Simple plan. Difficult task.

A very difficult task actually as Piper had inched closer to her, leaning over the gear and rested a hand on the black-haired woman's thigh.

"Piper," the woman that was driving hissed and was struggling to focus on the street.

"You were so jealous… I really liked it, you know," she informed her, hot breath meeting Alex's neck before Piper pushed her raven hair back and began to trail kisses along the sensitive skin.

 _Fuck,_ Alex instantly thought to herself and was fighting the urge to let out a throaty moan. This was wrong, this was very wrong but those open-mouthed kisses on her neck and the palm creeping up her thigh actually made her question what was so wrong. Piper was a grown up, she knew what she was doing or at least, could do whatever she wanted to do. And if she wanted to do her who would Alex be to limit her freedom? She might be drunk but she was also the one who initiated this and was fucking with Alex's mind and in a few minutes probably also her. Yet, if they ended up in a car accident neither of them would get what they so desperately wanted. If Piper kept messing with her this much though, a car accident was very likely to happen.

"Pipes, stop… I'm driving."

"I'm not."

"You're… _fuck_."

"Say it babe," the blonde breathed against her skin as she teasingly began to rub her palm against the spot between the other woman's thighs. "Say it and _maybe_ I'll be nice."

For a split second, when her sanity was gone, Alex actually wondered if she wanted Piper to be nice because, _god_ , bad Piper was hotter than fire and sharper than a knife that was sweetly dissecting her composure. But she was driving, fast, faster per second as she so desperately wanted to arrive at Piper's place. Only then she would let bad Piper do everything she wanted to do to her. Still, she was more than turned on and had to deal with the arousal between her legs, the heat inside her, the street in front of her and a drunk and affectionate Piper next to her. _Control, Alex, control._

Remembering Piper's words, she muttered in a low voice, "I don't know what you're talking about."

And then the taller woman groaned, deep and raucous when Piper moved her hand into her pants, at the same time whispering into her ear, "Too bad," and eventually bit her neck, definitely leaving a mark before she licked it gently and sucked on it.

Piper might be hammered but nevertheless she noticed how Alex turned into absolute glop for her again, how she gave her power and control over her and made Piper the only who has ever been given this honour. For a short moment, she pulled back to look at the woman next to her that was so falling apart for her and only her and smirked whilst she was brushing her fingertips over Alex's clit, taking the teasing to the next level.

The woman next to her shuddered, goosebumps covering her ivory skin that Piper saw on her neck. She also saw how Alex wanted to speak up, probably to protest but was simply powerless. Eventually, Piper kissed her jawline, making her way to Alex's ear again and whispered, "You're such an asshole, baby. And I like how an asshole like you turns into complete mush for me."

Although she wanted to protest because she still was a control freak, no words came out and her inability to say anything just confirmed Piper's statement.

"Fuck, baby, you're so wet," the blonde eventually stated when she moved a finger along Alex's soaking lips underneath the fabric of her jeans and bit onto the MMA fighter's earlobe.

Again, Alex had to swallow a moan and intensified her grip on the steering wheel. _Just two more intersections,_ she reminded herself and was holding onto it for dear life. This thought was the only constant thing inside her body now and the only thing that was holding her together as well. Because the way Piper was touching her, talking to her and kissing her was cutting her into tiny, boneless pieces and drugged her. And she never noticed how long a ride could be when someone else wanted to ride you.

"Alexi, what's wrong? You, uh, got there something," Piper playfully told her and dipped a finger into the throbbing heat between her legs she was talking about.

It sent an ache so hard and deep through her like a lightning which was ferocious and heavenly at the same time. And when they finally pulled up into the street of Piper's place, the blonde mumbled where she could park her precious car and directed her to the private parkade of the building. She leaned over the brunette who had cranked down her window and entered a code, making the gate move and granting access. Looking at Piper, the model knew what she was waiting for and informed her, "Seventh floor, babe."

She wondered if she would ever get some rest or would die before she would finally arrive. Kicking the gas pedal down, Alex began to count the floors as the woman next to her continued what she had been doing the whole time. Lips on her neck, fingers in her underwear and the smell of sex that was only about to happen in the air, the raven-haired woman almost lost track. Only when she saw a sign that had big and salvific 7 on it, she parked her car in the corner next to the exit and swiftly turned off the engine, ready to fuck Piper's brain out of her. The way to the model's place was only a breeze after this torturous and painfully long ride. But Piper seemed to be having other plans for her.

Because, before she could reach for the deadbolt, Piper was straddling her, sitting on her lap and crushed her lips onto hers, her free hand getting lost in black waves. Although her own lips were still bruised, she couldn't care less about it and returned the kiss eagerly as her hands landed on the blonde's ass.

"You're such an asshole," Piper muttered against her lips before she connected them again and Alex knew instantly what she was talking about.

"I know," the brunette replied with a husky voice and swiftly pulled down the clasp of Piper's dress.

"I need you."

"You don't know what you're saying, kid."

"I hate you."

"You're so fucking beautiful."

"Don't push me away."

"Stop talking."

"Fuck me."

In sync, they pushed each other forward or pulled each other back again until the blonde reluctantly removed her hand from Alex's jeans and found the handle to push the seat down. The brunette was eventually lying on her back, Piper hovering over her who instantly reconnected their lips again, tongues finding the other quickly. Grabbing the collar of the model's dress, Alex continued to undress her as she realised that they were totally going to have sex in _her car_. The automatic lights in the building eventually turned off as the only movements were going on in a 1970 Dodge Charger in the corner of it. Although it wasn't the most comfortable thing to have sex in a car, neither of them apparently minded because all they needed was each other. When the blonde was finally free of her dress, Alex sat up to take her jacket and top off in a swift move before the woman on top of her showed her dominance and pushed her down again. A sharp breath escaped Alex and she felt how a clumsy hand was fumbling at the zipper of her pants. She couldn't suppress her chuckle which didn't go unnoticed by Piper who asked, "What?" before she reclaimed her mouth again. Her jeans were finally down to her knees, her combat boots an obstacle but the exposed skin was enough for Piper.

When a hand found its way back to the brunette's cunt, her black underwear the only thing that was keeping her away from losing her mind, Piper of course had to bite on her bottom lip and pull it gently. And this time, Alex failed to hold a low groan back. Her hips bucked up as well and _fuck, what was control?_

"Say it and I'll fuck you… I'll kiss you down there, Al. Just say it," she told the woman beneath her and nudged her nose against hers, waiting for a response.

The way Piper behaved, so dirty and innocent at the same time was driving the taller woman crazy. She didn't know that the blonde was actually capable of it and was more than excited to find more sides of her. Yes, she was thinking about getting to know more of her. She had wanted Piper yesterday, she wanted Piper right now, she wanted Piper tonight, she wanted Piper tomorrow. Simple as that.

In order to make Piper fuck her relentlessly, she squeezed her ass tighter and lifted her head from the seat to capture the other woman's mouth in a hard and passionate kiss. "I'm an asshole," she whispered in between it and the friction of Piper's palm against her panty made her body shake.

"That's not the right answer," the blonde informed her and retrieved her hand, making Alex whimper at the sudden loss.

"I'm not jealous."

"You're just making it worse," Piper explained to her and sat up, leaving Alex on the cold leather of her seat.

Wondering how the younger woman wanted to improve her teasing, a sweet moan filled the car and Alex saw how the woman on top of her was touching herself. The brunette's body instantly shot up at this, the need to touch her commanding her like a reflex but the only one who was in command was Piper who shoved her back onto the seat again when the woman beneath her reached out for her.

"What? You're not the only one who can touch me."

That was exactly the point and even a drunken Piper knew it. The only one who should be allowed touch her was lying right underneath her. Not this little boy, not this drug dealer chick, no one but her. _Piper was her girl_.

"Alexi, what's wrong? Don't you like it when someone touches me who isn't you?"

Again, a soft moan filled her ears and Alex was sure that she had just lost her mind and was crazy.

"Do you think you're the only one who should touch me?"

"Yes," the brunette instantly replied, her jade eyes staring up at the woman in her lap.

"Why?"

"I know how to touch you."

"Are you sure?"

"100 percent."

"Too bad that you can't touch me and we both have to suffer."

" _Pipes._ "

Again, she tried to reach out for her but as her attempt failed again and Piper slapped her hand away, the brunette growled, "Please, let me."

In response Piper just moaned whilst she was rubbing onto herself and her other hand was roaming over her upper body. And the fact that Alex was watching her turned her on even more. In fact, neither of them knew who was closer. The alcohol in her system that gave her this self-confidence and the writhing woman underneath her were dissolving every thought and anxiety inside of her and she could finally let go of everything. Alex at the same time was so aroused that she no longer feared to be submissive and knowing that they were in her car was wiping out every bone in her body. All she could feel was the twisting hot rush in her stomach and Piper's ass in her lap. It was even hard for her to breathe. The air was thin, not only because they were in a closed car but especially because the brunette was still fighting to keep herself together. It would be so easier for her if she just let go. Her name fell from the younger woman's lips, high and soft and it pulled the rug out from her feet. That was the moment Alex realised that she was the only one who was putting obstacles in her own way. Fuck control, fuck habits, fuck dominance.

 _And fuck Piper._

"I was fucking jealous."

Glassy blue eyes shot up instantly and found emerald eyes staring deeply into them as Alex's upper body had sprung up so they could face each other. The movements of her hands stopped and she knew that the woman beneath her was just waiting for her. Licking her lips, she slightly leaned down, never breaking their eye contact. She quickly pushed two fingers inside of the taller woman, making her eyes roll back and cuss so low that Piper had to release a moan as well. The brunette's hips began to follow the blonde's movements and cold hands swiftly unclasped her bra, exposing even more flawless skin. Alex's eyes fell onto it immediately which Piper noticed and therefore used her free hand to lift the other woman's chin, making her look at her. She wanted to see those jade eyes when she would speak up.

"You're mine, Alex. You know that, don't you?"

Her fingers thrusted deeper into the raven-haired woman who let out a silent moan and grabbed Piper's breasts, pinching her hardened nipple with her index finger and her thumb. Her mind was literally mud, she was so fucking high and as nothing was holding her back anymore, she replied in an even huskier voice than usual, "Yes."

Finally, Piper's lips crushed onto hers and the blonde put her free hand on the other woman's chest to push her down again. She picked up her pace, curling her fingers inside of the woman beneath her whose body began to tremble. Although she didn't want to disconnect their lips, Piper pulled back, dark and hungry eyes looking up at her. She loved it, the way Alex was looking at her as if she were the most beautiful creature in the whole world, making her feel like she was the only girl in the universe. And she loved the way Alex was always this tall, tough, cocky woman who had the power to shrink every person in the room she entered but would be small in Piper's hands. It was like she tamed her. Yet, she didn't care if this asshole fucked her or the control freak or the tender lover. As long as the asshole and the control freak and the tender lover was Alex, she didn't care about anything else, she didn't want nor need anything else. Just Alex.

"You're mine," she reminded her, making the woman under her nod her head in response as she couldn't form any word.

"You're mine and I'm yours."

And with that, Alex only saw how Piper was between her thighs under the steering wheel and her lips pressed against her lips down there. Her hips arching up, she quickly grabbed onto blonde hair and swore she was seeing stars. A wet and hot tongue eventually began to suck on her, matching up to the fingers inside of her and Alex let out a low groan before she hissed, "Fuck… right there."

Piper knew exactly which spots she had to touch and curled her fingers harder when she could feel how the other woman's walls tightened around them. Her tongue worshipped Alex's clit, stealing more oxygen from her lungs and when the blonde licked and sucked onto the right spots and her fingers pushed deeper and faster into her, Alex could swear she never came this hard and fast in her whole life. Her back wasn't on the seat for a couple seconds and she was so overwhelmed by her orgasm that she didn't know if she was high or drunk or both. Inhaling a deep breath after the lack of enough oxygen, her chest was still heaving when the golden-haired woman crawled up to her, removing her fingers with a smug grin on her face. There it was again, this dirty innocence that Alex couldn't help herself but smile as well. When Piper leaned down to connect their mouths, the lights in the parkade suddenly switched on. As she was waiting for the blonde to kiss her, she opened her eyes and when she saw how a startled Piper was looking out of the window, she let out a throaty chuckle.

"Shhh," the blonde tried to shush her, her azure eyes looking for the person who might be walking past them any moment. "Somebody's coming."

Resting a hand on the back of Piper's head, the woman underneath her chuckled even more and told her, "The only who's coming will be you."

Piper only shot a glare at her before she scanned the area again. Eventually, a figure actually appeared and the woman on top of her immediately plastered her as she dropped her whole weight onto her to get out of sight. Their bare fronts collided and due to the sensitive postcoital moment Alex was having, she hissed and felt Piper's hot breath against her neck as the blonde was hiding her face in the crook of it. They stayed like this for a moment that could have been ten seconds or 10 minutes. When the lights finally went off again, Piper lifted her head to check if they were alone again before she burst out laughing, instantly infecting the woman underneath her with it. The blonde quickly buried her face in the crook of her shoulder and neck again and felt her mumble against it, "We just had sex in your car."

Stroking her back, Alex chuckled lightly again, not knowing that it made the sun rise inside of Piper and replied, "We just had sex in my car."

"Somebody could have seen us, Alex."

"Maybe you're not such a good girl after all."

With her words she made Piper look at her and she saw how they have made a big progress again as the blonde didn't glare at her. Instead, her eyes were blue like the ocean with the mix of some liquor and loads of sex in it and she told her with a sly grin on her face, "And whose fault is that?"

"Mine," Alex proudly answered and finally pressed her lips against Piper's, knowing that this night was far from over, that their thing was far from over.

 _Mine._

* * *

 _Jesus christ, I though I'd never finish this chapter, it just came over me like a big waterfall of words and ideas and I had to look for the right part to put an end to it. So, yay, I managed to upload a chapter before we're all gonna binge watch the shit out of the new season on Friday, I still can't believe this ass long wait is over. Let's just cross our fingers that it won't let us down like the third season and that we'll get enough vauseman scenes... I hope this chapter gets you hyped for the fourth season but the next chapter will probably be up after it. As usual, please please please let me know what you think! Cheers Xx  
_


	14. Get High (Between My Thighs)

_Chapter 14: Get High (Between My Thighs)_

She was so mesmerising. She was so capturing. She was so soothing. She was so breathtaking. She was so addictive. She was so intoxicating. She was so real.

With every thrust of her tongue that drowned in her taste, Alex began to question her other addiction. Who needed drugs when she could have someone like her, someone who could show her that the real world could be better, that she didn't need to escape. Because _she was in it._ And if Alex fled to her hazy little zone, she would go somewhere _she_ couldn't follow.

She was so dangerous. She was so maddening. She was so baneful. She was so lethal. She was so fragile. She was so haunting. She was so overwhelming.

It wasn't the liquor in her veins that turned her blood so blue and made her feel dizzy and headless. It was a hot mouth between her legs, possessive hands on her chest and the fact that their owner was all hers. Raven hair that was even darker than the nights she used to get through alone were spread over her thighs and tickled her sensitive skin. She was drunk, maybe even very drunk but only the tips of those black waves were enough to raise goosebumps over her whole body and to make her lose her mind and bring her senses to life.

The woman between her legs made her forget, about her fears and her loneliness. The brunette could drive her crazy but at the same time, she made her lose her mind and her memory as well. With Alex, she felt less lonely. She gripped tightly onto the sheets of her bed that once had been way too big for her but now she had the raven-haired woman underneath her to fill that hole. Alex's hand found hers and for a short second, the model knew that Alex wasn't only a space filler for her. When they had started seeing each other, they had been using each other to blow each other's brain out so they would forget about the world they lived in. But having each other now in this world, the world wasn't that bad anymore. It's been a while ever since their desire to escape had been taking them over although Alex seemed to still be running away into her drugged paradise, a place Piper couldn't follow her to. That was why she hated it every time she saw those piercing emerald eyes turn ice-blue and drowning in red. When Alex got high, she was gone. Simply out of her reach and Piper was reminded that she wasn't good enough. But yet, why did she even want to be good enough. For what, for whom? It was like they were no longer using each other, it was like they not only wanted each other but needed each other as well. Yet, Piper wasn't sure what she wanted. Only moments ago she had claimed the woman between her, had brand marked her and had showed her that she owned her which Alex accepted. The blonde knew that, given that they would be seeing each other at night more often, she wanted to be the only Alex would kiss and touch. And she wanted to be the only who would kiss and touch Alex. It was like an exclusive affair. If Piper had to be a number to the dark-haired woman which she internally hoped she wasn't, she wanted to be her number one. She wanted to be the only one for her. Still, even if she was going to be the only one Alex would be seeing, the model knew that she wouldn't be the only one for her. She'd never be because Alex already had a number one. Her name was heroine. And how was she supposed to compete with that white demon that was an archangel in the other woman's green eyes? An archangel that could fly her to heaven. But unlike everyone else, Alex didn't see that this same angel who only used its divine facade to fool her was actually a deuce that sent her to hell. However, the blonde was oblivious to the fact that inhaling and consuming her was at least as good as a white line or a burning pipe for Alex whose mouth was drowning in the younger woman's inner lips.

Both of them could tell that Piper was close. Her orgasm would rip through her any moment and it formed a cocky grin on the brunette's face that was buried between the model's thighs, getting high on her. Breaths turned into more hisses and gasps and when Piper's hold on the other woman's hand on her breast intensified, her body fell apart, her own high eliminating her like an overdose. "Alex," she cried out before she couldn't form any words anymore and her lungs were calling for air. Her back fell back onto the mattress again and her thrown back head settled onto the pillow as the brunette started to trail kisses along her stomach towards her neck and over her jawline until they eventually landed on Piper's, sharing her taste.

"Happy Birthday," Alex whispered against her lips, her voice even huskier than usual which instantly turned Piper on again.

The dark-haired woman was still hovering over her when she pinned both of the other woman's hands next to her head, intertwining their fingers even more. It was so intense, the way Alex touched her and kissed her and fucked her. Of course she was an outstanding lover, by far the best Piper's ever had but deep down she knew that Alex's skills weren't the only things that made her so outstanding. But she was too drunk to think about this right now. Smiling against the raven-haired woman's lips when she pressed them against her own again, Piper noticed that Alex was still holding her hands against the mattress in a tight grip when she actually wanted to wrap them around her neck to pull her even closer. When she failed though, she moved her legs that would definitely give in if she stood up right now and settled them around Alex's waist, not particularly wanting to gain control but to hold her tight and close. It was still Alex who was the control freak. And Piper didn't mind, she liked how possessive and dominant the black-haired woman was. Because she knew that she was the only one who could break her easily and make her boneless and headless. There were still two players in their wicked games.

Holding the hands of the woman beneath her in place, Alex deepened the kiss for her and leaned down even more. Their bare fronts met and as they were flesh to flesh, the brunette's guts twisted again, a feeling she's known for a long time but still couldn't identify. It was nearly animalistic how neither of the two could really get enough of each other every time only their bodies were talking. Although Piper just had had an orgasm that had made her eyes roll back, she was already craving for it again. Alex was more than willing to give her that feeling a second time, she really was because she needed to inhale something, she had to take something. She was that selfish to use Piper as her drug and realising that eventually stopped her. It would be wrong to take advantage of her and to make her her distraction. The lines have never been blurrier for them. Were they using each other? Were they each other's distractions? Did they need each other to only forget about their own deep abysses? Did they just happen to be there for each other at the right time and actually could replace each other if they wanted to? Was Piper Alex's second Lucy? Did they just take from each other and give each other what they needed? Was Alex only Piper's light in her lonely darkness? The line between love and hate has never been thinner for them. Alex was still a drug-addicted asshole and Piper was still a shallow slave to the world. At least from the outside. The brunette was and could be different around Piper because Piper was different. She wasn't like the rest, she was more. And it would be wrong if Alex destroyed her uniqueness for her own sake. Nevertheless, she was selfish. She wondered how much further she could go until she'd fall off the edge as her own mother had already predicted for her. Was Piper her personal edge, her border that would save her from her downfall? Or was Piper her final step into the unknown depth? Cure or poison. She was a drug. Piper was her drug.

Innocence washed her sinful realisation away when she heard the blonde beneath her say, "Best birthday present ever."

And then she smiled up at her, and although her eyes were rather glassy and still drowning in her sexual high, it was the purest smile Alex's ever seen. It was so pure that it rushed like a fever through her veins and infected her as it usually would. The brunette's full lips mirrored Piper's and for a moment, everything froze in its place and stopped moving, even Alex's own heart that had been pulsating. She had such a hold on her, she had so much control over her and Alex didn't know if she should be scared. Yet again she became a prisoner, Piper's prisoner. But if the chains around her wrists were the softest hands someone could have and sky blue eyes were what trapped her, how could she be scared? She has been fucked up before Piper. Piper only got her more fucked up by teaching her how to feel. She made her feel alive. Life was no longer about surviving but about actually living it. It was like the oxygen was fresher when Piper was around. It was like her world was no longer black and white when Piper was around. She had this feeling about Piper, like when a song came on and you just had to dance. It was this simple and still too hard and too difficult for Alex to understand because it was so foreign to her. No matter what Piper was, an angel, an extraterrestrial, an illusion, a dream, she was other-worldly. Because she did the impossible.

"Although that thing in your car was kinda hot, doing it in a bed is definitely way more comfortable," the blonde eventually told her, breaking the silence and the depth of Alex's thoughts.

"I'm just glad that you didn't throw up in my car," Alex replied teasingly and earned herself a slap on her shoulder.

"I'm not that drunk."

The raven-haired raised a questioning brow at Piper's words before she explained, "We could have ended up in a car accident because you couldn't hold yourself back. Now I understand all that talk about 'this don't drink and drive' thing, and I didn't even drink."

"Shut up," the woman beneath her told her and demanded her lips in a passionate kiss.

Releasing the blonde's hands, one of her free hands finally roamed over her neck and further down over her flawless ivory body. Piper instantly had to touch her and Alex noticed it. She bit down onto the model's bottom lip, light and yet strong enough to send a shiver down her spine and pressed her lips once more against Piper's before she reluctantly pulled slightly back.

"I didn't say that I wouldn't repeat it," Alex responded, remembering how Piper's face had been buried between her legs and knew that from now on, she'd have this image in front of her eyes every time she would be sitting behind the steering wheel of her car.

Piper grinned up at her and Alex could tell by the look on her face, she was only playing innocent, using her bright big blue eyes and long golden hair to hide her mischievous vein.

"What makes you so sure that I'd do that again?"

Running her long fingers through blonde waves and her green gaze fixed on them, she stated, "I know what I'd have to do to make you do it again."

Her azure eyes moving between the other woman's eyes and her lips whilst her hand was stroking the rose tattoo on her arm, she asked, "And that would be?"

"Being the sexy fucker I always am and make you jealous."

It might have been possible that back at the club, Alex had been jealous when she had seen how someone who hadn't been her looked at Piper and touched her. Maybe she hadn't liked it. But Piper was the one who had an even worse temper than her, she was the one who always did what she felt like doing and had claimed her in her car not even an hour ago, making her do things she would have never done and never thought she would do.

"I wasn't jealous… I just don't like sharing," she sweetly admitted.

"Yeah you didn't fail to point that out, kid."

Alex released a husky chuckle as she once again started to think about everything. She once had told Piper that she was overthinking everything and now she was actually the one whose mind wouldn't shut up. It wasn't only because she was sober. Her mind wasn't drugged but that wasn't the only reason she caught herself thinking so much. It just occurred to her how much has changed ever since she had met the woman under her and how much things have changed between them. Not even a month ago, every room they had entered had turned into a battlefield, their words being their guns. There had always been an explosive tension between them that could shoot them apart within a second. And now, there was still tension between them but it was mainly sexual. There were still walls between them like her drug abuse or Piper's temper but right now, here in this bed with her, she thought for the first time that things could be easy between them. The blonde might not be in the best shape right now to discuss their 'relationship' or to have a deep talk. Yet, Alex didn't feel like drowning. It was only her heart that would beat like a machine gun from time to time when Piper would look at her or smile or just say something that would make her insides turn. In these moments, she felt like dying and being reincarnated again. Or in these moments when Piper's eyes would be clouded by darkness and pain that Alex would put her through and the blonde would leave her. Alex would feel so alive that she would die, and not in the way she usually would if she smoked a bittersweet pipe. It was solely her bittersweet Piper.

Shaking her head when she finally got her answer, she climbed off of the woman underneath her and laid down onto the mattress next to her. Whilst she was lying on her back, looking up at the ceiling and through the round window in the roof, stars filling her jade-green gaze, the model grabbed the blanket and pulled them over their naked bodies.

"Did I exhaust you?"

Alex's question surprised her as she had assumed that she wasn't paying attention to her.

The raven-haired woman turned her head to the side, seeing that Piper was lying on her side and weary blue eyes met her own.

"No I'm just tired of your conceited chatter," the younger woman teased, a small smile on her face when she eventually found a comfortable position and inched closer to the woman next to her, her head buried in the crook of Alex's neck and her slim arm wrapped around her bare abdomen.

She let out a breath, letting the other woman know that she was really tired but yet, she wouldn't allow to shut her eyes. First, she had to know something.

"It's still gonna be my birthday when I'll wake up."

Although the model couldn't see her, Alex knitted her eyebrows while she was running her arm, that was probably going to be numb in the morning as Piper was lying on it, over the flawless skin on her back.

"If you'll wake up in time for it, yes, it's still gonna be your birthday."

"You're not only an ass but a smart-ass, did you know that?" Piper playfully commented and pressed her lips against the snow-white skin of her neck before she added, "So, as it's still gonna be my birthday, I'll be the centre of the universe-"

"Aren't you, like, every day?"

"Nobody likes smart-asses, baby… it will be my day and I have one wish."

The brunette was more than amused by the way a drunken Piper in her arms was acting cute, she could call her anything and she would still smile. It nearly made her forget how much she was able to ruin her and at make her do things the blonde herself would have never thought she'd do, like fucking her in her car.

"Which wish, princess?"

"You're all mine, for the whole weekend."

When she said that, Piper didn't only mean that she wanted to have her to herself. She also meant that only she was supposed to own her and no one else, nothing else. Drugs. She was talking about them. The only thing Alex should be craving for, the only thing she should be lusting for, they only thing she should want and need was Piper. That was what she was asking for. And Alex knew that. Because spending two complete days with her would keep her away from her antidotes. It was like a withdrawal, Piper's wish was a withdrawal. And that was the first of many times she asked her to go cold turkey.

"Piper," the brunette spoke up, not knowing where to begin as she looked down at their intertwined fingers.

"No buts, you can't say no."

It might be selfish of her and even a bit arrogant to expect Alex to agree on this but mainly, it was real. She really didn't want to wake up and find an empty bed. They weren't dating. Yet, their borders were invisible and apparently, not invincible. It wasn't the first time that one of them crossed that line.

After a moment of silence and a thousand thoughts rushing through her clear mind, Alex made a decision. And that was the first of many times she had to pick between her two addictions.

"No butts? Where's the fun in that?"

"Why do you have such a big obsession with asses, ass?" Piper asked before she propped herself up on her elbow and captured Alex's lips in a tender kiss. Maybe, things could really be like this between them, maybe they could really be easy between them.

Of course it was only an illusion but neither of the two wanted to think about what was going to happen when they would wake up from it. It didn't matter in this moment. The only thing that mattered was what was going to happen when they would wake up the next morning.

"So?" the golden-haired woman eventually asked, using her big blue eyes that could be even more convincing than a gun at your temple.

As if it was the toughest decision in her whole life, which it actually would be in the future, Piper or heroine, the brunette let out a deep breath and locked her emerald eyes on hers, her fingers playing with a loose strand of blonde hair as she said, "Fine."

"Good answer," Piper informed her, placing a kiss against her strong jawline before she settled back into her position, her face so close to Alex's neck that the smell of tequila branded her pale skin with every breath she exhaled.

 _I can do this. It's only gonna be two days._

 _That's nothing._

 _I'm not addicted. I don't need it._

 _I already got what I need._

 _I'm in control. I deserve better._

 _And she's better._

 _/_

 _Fucking in the morning  
_ _I don't wanna wake you  
_ _I just wanna watch you sleep  
_ _It's the smell of your hair  
_ _And it's the way that we feel  
_ _I've never felt comfortable like this_

 _Higher than a motherfucker, dreaming of you as my lover  
_ _Mouth open, you're high  
_ _Flying like a streamer, thinking of new ways to do each other  
_ _Mouth open, you're high  
_ _Pull out the incisor, give me two weeks, you won't recognize her  
_ _Mouth open, you're high  
_ _  
Feel your body closing, I can rip it open  
_ _Suck me up, I'm healing for the shit you're dealing  
_ _Smoke on your skin to get those pretty eyes rolling  
_ _My thighs are apart for when you're ready to breathe in  
_ _Suck me up, I'm healing for the shit you're dealing  
_ _High motherfucker, get your mouth open, you know you're mine  
_ _  
I'll put you first, just close your eyes and dream about it  
_ _Higher than a motherfucker, dreaming of you as my lover  
_ _I'll quench your thirst, just chase the high and stop your doubting  
_ _Flying like a streamer, thinking of new ways to do each other  
_ _High, high_

Cold, heavy raindrops flogging the windows and a hot breath against the skin of her neck, even hotter than the burning craze in her bones slowly woke her up from her dreamless sleep. She didn't only wake up from her sleep, she also woke up from something deeper. Her mind was so clear and her senses free from any numbness that the cinnamon smell of Piper's hair had never easier filled her nose, that her warm palm that was still resting on her stomach had never easier inked her ribs, that her breathing had never easier branded her skin. They were still lying in the same position they had fallen asleep in the brunette noticed when nothing has ever been clearer in her emerald eyes. The blanket was covering them but it was purely Piper's body that was keeping her warm. Her body and the ache inside of her own body. She had actually expected to have a stronger backbone. Having such an empty and free mind meant having enough space to get it occupied by tons of thoughts. They apparently didn't even wait to burden her. Not wanting to wake up the woman in her arms, one of them being numbed by her weight, Alex only dared to slightly move her head and looked at that golden-haired miracle that was trying to keep her sober by drugging her. It didn't even take her much effort to intoxicate the raven-haired woman. Only seeing her made Alex's stomach turn and jump and evoked an insanely unhealthy desire for her as well.

Her brain was eventually overloading. There were so many things she wanted to do. Kiss Piper gently. Touch her perfect skin. Fuck Piper awake. Leave her before she would wake up. Save her from herself. Let her sleep. Getting numb and high. Silencing her inner voice. Listening to her inner voice. She wasn't a decision maker. She always lived in the moment and went with the flow, not caring about tomorrow nor yesterday. Maybe that was the reason she was the master of handling things completely wrong. Otherwise, she wouldn't use drugs. She didn't make plans for the future and would never deeply regret her actions. And now she was caught in this cage of her own thoughts, being surrounded by tons of decisions and scenarios and every single one would release her. But not every option would free her. Staying with Piper would maybe free herself but imprison the blonde. Abandoning her would free her but would turn herself into an even bigger slave to her toxic medicine. So many options for her, so little sanity in her.

Absentmindedly drawing patterns with the hand of her prickling arm on the blonde's back, Alex kept staring at her peaceful face whilst her only surroundings were her own thoughts. Almost going down in them, she decided to take action and carefully removed her arm to roll on top of the woman next to her. She had to get high, and right now, she would do anything. Although she really didn't want to break her peaceful state, Alex knew that what she was going to do would wake her up. Crawling underneath the sheets, she began to trail kisses along the blonde's body from her collarbone over the the valley of her breast and down towards her hips. Piper didn't wake up from it but let out a small hiss when the raven-haired woman touched her, her lips against her inner thighs now and her cold hands wrapped around them. The place where she wanted to settle her face in was already lightly beaming, letting her know that the woman underneath her was already waiting for her. Again, Piper gasped as the brunette inched closer to her wet folds. When she eventually pressed her lips against her clit, it sounded like the golden-haired woman wanted to say something but everything that left her mouth was rather soft stuttering.

She could have turned to her jacket as well, in its pockets some emergency bags stored. But she wanted to prove to herself that she wasn't an addict, it was in her hands, she was no puppet. In the end, it was mainly about her ego that needed some boost and of course about Piper. It was only early in the morning and Alex wasn't willing to already give in. She was stronger than that. Nevertheless, she needed her high and eventually placed her face in front of the blonde's wet core that was more than good enough for her to be an alternative. When she began to dig her tongue inside of her, getting her breakfast and her overdose, she slightly raised her head from underneath the sheets to look up at the blonde whose body began to shake in her freezing hands that were now on her hips. Seeing that her blue eyes were still shut, the raven-haired woman continued her movements, thrusting deeper and harder into her.

It was usually a habit for her to make someone come. She knew that every woman she would touch and fuck would fall apart beneath her. It was a fact that had always been a proof to her that she was an amazing fucker and not an amazing lover. A woman beneath her would always be supposed to come so that she could go or so that Alex could go. She always liked it when someone came because of her, almost as much as she liked to watch them go or let them go. But with Piper, it wasn't only about making her come. Alex cared about it, she didn't only need her to come, she wanted her to come. And most of all, she wanted her to stay. She realised that she was a pro at leaving and letting someone go but a rookie in making someone stay. A professional fucker, and a disastrous lover. She knew at some point, Piper would leave her. She didn't particularly think about being with Piper like in an affectionate, deep and official relationship. They would never reach that state, they weren't destined to end up there. Some people were meant to be in love and others only to be naked. And they were meant for the latter. So, knowing that someday their paths would drift apart again and eventually for good, Alex decided to enjoy their ecstasy as long as she could. Good things were always only temporary in life. That was why she wouldn't wake up high in the morning but feel low. That was why she needed a new pipe after her fogged mind began to break free. If she could, she would be high every day for the rest of her life. This feeling was simply existential for her, without it she wouldn't survive. But now, having met Piper, she was no longer only surviving. She was living. And being with Piper always sent a similar effect through her body, it got her higher than a motherfucker. Piper was her dream. And every one knew that at some point, you would have to wake up and would violently be torn out of it. So she decided to be asleep for as long as she could.

Drowning in her intoxicating taste, she felt under her touch how Piper's body began to tremble harder. Yet, her eyes were still shut, unlike her mouth that let out some soft moans and hazy, unfinished words. It turned Alex tremendously on as well, tasting on her tongue how the woman beneath her was slowly falling apart for her. Her nails dug deeper into her sun-kissed skin whilst her tongue finally found that spot that turned Piper into her property. A loud moan illuminated the bedroom at dawn and ripped sky-blue eyes open. "Alex," she hissed, her warm hand instantly reaching for something to hold onto and gripped around the headboard of her bed. She began to cuss and although Alex loved the face she made every time she did, she remained between her legs, eager to hear and feel her come. The blonde's second hand joined the woman underneath the sheets and found raven hair. A low groan, followed by a soft "Fuck" let Alex know that she was hitting against the right spot, not that she would have had any doubts. She hadn't lied last night in the car when she had said that she knew Piper's body better than anyone else.

"God," she shouted, making Alex smirk as she loved how the golden-haired woman could never be quiet.

Her inner walls began to tighten around the other woman's lingua while her flawless body started to shake even harder. The grip on her dark mane intensified but Alex didn't mind, loving the feeling of Piper _holding on to her._ The mattress underneath the two women shifted as the blonde's back repeatedly jumped up by every deep thrust, it was merely a matter of time until she would reach her sexual high.

And when she eventually came with the name of the woman between her thighs sounding like a prayer and her body losing its control, Alex never wanted her more to stay. It got her high as well and although the model's slim fingers were only lost in her black hair, her orgasm having ripped through her that hard that she lost any power, the brunette finished what she had started and licked up her juices, here and there pressing feather light kisses against her nervous skin.

When she heard the other woman say her name, Alex knew what she was asking her for. Crawling up from underneath the sheets with a shit-eating grin on her face, soft lips were already waiting for her own. As much as she wanted to see those azure eyes, she chose those kissable lips first when she saw that they were still shut. Their mouths finally connected and as Piper could taste herself on Alex's mouth, she couldn't swallow that light moan that escaped from her. They inhaled each other, the brunette hovering over her as she usually did until their lungs nearly bursted. When they reluctantly broke apart, Alex collapsed on top of her and let herself fall on the woman under her, their bare flesh igniting each other again. She rested her chin on her chest and looked up at her, her emerald eyes finally meeting her blue. A faint smile crept onto Piper's face that she was actually trying to suppress but couldn't when Alex was looking at her like this, like she was her whole universe, like she was someone special. She eventually failed to hold it back though and a small smile adorned her face that made Alex feel sick, in a pleasant way though. Closing her blue eyes again as she couldn't hold the other woman's piercing stare, her smile remained when she said, "If you weren't such a good alarm, I'd be really upset. I mean, you do know that it's 7 AM or something like that, right?"

"The early bird catches the worm," Alex informed her with a smirk.

Letting out a soft sigh, Piper reached for her mobile on the nightstand, the woman lying on top of her not moving and checked the time before she held the screen in front of the other woman's face.

"6:18, seriously?"

Staring at her cell phone, Alex teasingly replied, "You're more concerned about the time than about the 52 missed calls?"

"She has a thing for drama."

Nodding her head in response, she watched how the blonde put her mobile back onto the nightstand before her blue gaze landed on her. They were staring each other for a moment, neither having the need to do or say anything and just let themselves get carried away by the pleasant silence, making them aware that it was only them and no one and nothing else right now. That moment was broken though when the storm outside intensified and heavier and bigger raindrops attacked the windows of Piper's apartment. Running her index and middle finger through black strands, the blonde couldn't stop grinning, simply because Alex couldn't stop staring at her. It was so incredibly intense, as if her stare actually meant what it looked like. So she had to shake her head, making the woman on top of her knitting her brows together in confusion and ask, "What?"

She held her gaze, letting a couple seconds of silence pass by before she eventually answered, "I can't believe that you woke me up."

As if she meant to underline her statement, she yawned and was glad that Alex obviously didn't notice that she actually had another answer on her mind.

"I just didn't want you to miss your birthday," the raven-haired woman told her and winked at her.

"How kind of you."

At this the brunette just shrugged before she rested her hands on Piper's chest to slightly lift her chin, getting a better look at the beauty beneath her.

"How are you?" she eventually asked, her emerald gaze branding her blue.

"Tired."

Alex instantly gave her a deadpan look before she said, "No hangover?"

Shaking her head in response, the blonde's answer eventually vanished any doubts inside of her sober mind and let Alex know once and for all that the liquor in her blood hadn't been the reason for her actions and words the previous night, something she had actually assumed until now.

"I told you I wasn't that drunk," she added, her slim fingers still running through her black hair.

Again, silence settled around them and green eyes drowned in an ocean whilst blue eyes got lost in the woods. They both could tell that the mood began to slowly change, the rain from outside somehow having crept up into the bedroom. Their situation was absolutely blue, full of sex, desire, affection and zero gravity, the weather ironically displaying it. If they kept staring at each other like this and the tension in the room kept growing, neither of the two would be able to walk for the next weeks. It was like the weather was trying to keep them in this dangerous paradise that would either be Piper's bedroom or Alex's. Only when the blonde realised how tired she actually was, their stare broke and she blinked her eyes a couple times. Although she might not notice it, one of her hands was still running up and down through Alex's raven hair. Unlike her, Alex was more than aware of it and tried to focus on nothing but the woman under her. To her own surprise, she wasn't craving for it as bad as she would have expected. Of course she wouldn't say no to a nice line right now but she actually didn't have this familiar big urge to actively get herself one. She rather stayed where she was and inhaled the woman her jade-green eyes were capturing. Noticing that her azure eyes have been closed for a while now, Alex couldn't resist and needed to make sure that she hasn't fallen asleep again.

"So," she spoke up, clearing her throat as her voice in the morning was even raspier than normally, "what are you plans for the day?"

Piper opened one eye to look at her before she sighed lightly and moved her head slightly to gain a better look at the woman on top of her.

"Sleeping," she nonchalantly told her and closed her eyes again.

As she actually expected a snarky comment from the brunette, she was surprised that all she heard were raindrops. So she opened her eyes and saw how Alex was staring black holes into the air. Something was on her mind and although Piper could already assume what it was, she looked at her intently and said, "Sleeping with you."

Again, Alex remained silent, only the corners of her lips shortly jumping up whilst her gaze was still fixed on nothing particular.

Licking her lips, the model let her hand wander from her black hair to her arm, grabbing it gently as she wanted to speak up again. But when she did, nothing came out. Because she was afraid. Afraid of easily saying the wrong thing that would drag the brunette away from her again. For a long time, every word they had said to each other had been a catapult that had quickly separated the two of them within a second, they both landing in their own damaged world again. Even though they have become better at talking, the ice was still thin under them. And yet, neither could fully understand how they ended up in this situation, in this bed with each other, waking up together and caressing each other. Maybe because they both knew better and said as little as they could. But that wasn't healthy, either. Sometimes, you had to just let it out and reveal your layers. No games, no lies, no secrets. Nevertheless, Piper was as unexperienced as Alex.

And she didn't even need to ask. She knew what was bothering her. Yet, Alex could leave any time and drug her mind as much as she'd need to. Even if the blonde tried to stop her, she wouldn't be able to do so. And at the end of the day, she wouldn't know if she simply didn't want to be left alone or if she didn't want Alex to be alone. Again, the lines have never been blurrier.

"Alex-"

But before any other words could get the chance to separate them, Alex wrapped a cold hand around her neck and connected their lips. She didn't even give the blonde any time to react until she gave in and returned the kiss that immediately was getting heated. The woman above her began to slide her hand between the flesh of their naked abdomens, Piper already knowing where it was heading. As much as she wanted those lips on her own and this skillful hand between her, her mind was stronger than her body that was already desperate for every touch. Although it might mean to watch her go, Piper held onto her decision and rested her hands on Alex's shoulder when she began to suck onto her collarbone.

"Wait, Al, wait," she said, pulling the woman on top of her reluctantly from her skin to make her look at her.

The raven-haired woman held her own weight by propping herself up on her elbows that were next to the model's shoulders. Averting her gaze, Alex was again somewhere else as she was staring into nothingness. She looked like she did something wrong Piper noticed and quickly spoke up to take that guilt away from her.

"Hey, I want it, I really do but…," she cut herself off when she saw that Alex was still not looking at her, the rejection still visible in her emerald eyes and eventually rested a ran her hand up from her shoulder to her neck.

Lifting her head so that they were on eye level, she continued.

"How are you?"

Their gazes finally locked and Alex gave her a disbelieving look as she said, "What, you really rather wanna talk right now?"

She again tried to cover the seriousness up with her popular sarcasm but Piper knew better, she knew her better and knew her habits. When the blonde simply kept staring at her, letting her know that she failed her jade green eyes yet again landed on something else.

"I want you to talk," Piper told her and made her look at her.

"Pipes," the raven-haired woman started but shook her head, silencing herself and Piper readjusted her position, leaning her head against the headboard, somehow showing that she was serious about this.

Alex remained on top of her, cupping her cheek in her palm. Her eyes looked at her, looked for something inside of this blue that could be her exit. But Piper kept a straight face and was waiting for her to speak up.

Before she eventually did, she released a deep breath. But her second attempt to hide from her would not work.

"I just didn't sleep that well… because you snore."

Piper's gaze dropped and that look on her beautiful face made Alex upset because she knew that she was the reason for it. Yet, she remembered how easy things had been between them last night and now, as they seemed to be returning to their old state that was a minefield, the brunette was dragged back into reality. Things could never be easy between them because in their own way, they themselves weren't easy to handle. But now Alex realised that it was her fault that she wasn't easy to handle. Instead of blocking out the elephant in the room and creating a void, Piper wanted her to fill the distance between them. So she kept looking at her, running a hand through her sun-kissed waves before she asked, "Would you really have taken that pill?"

Her question obviously caught the woman beneath her off guard.

"What?"

Finally, Alex admitted what was bothering her, her own drug use not the only thing burdening her mind but Piper's possible one from last night as well. Their eyes met again and Alex kept plastering the woman underneath her, not only with her body.

"So, you don't remember or you don't want to say anything about it?"

Silence crashed down on them as Piper didn't know what to do, or rather, couldn't do what she usually would and escape. They were touching a very sensitive topic which had the power to disperse them. Although her words seemed to be meant to reproach her, the way Alex had said them and had looked at her when they had left her mouth showed her that the only person Alex was reproaching was herself. There has been so much guilt at dawn that it could be the reason for the rain outside that was hiding the sun. They both were painfully aware of it, especially the blonde who didn't want Alex to blame herself.

"I can make my own choices."

 _Way to go, Chapman._

"It wouldn't have been your fault," she quickly added, somehow trying to repair the damage she had created.

She saw how the woman on top of her slightly squinted her eyes and she knew exactly that those green eyes were looking right through her. Releasing her, the brunette eventually slowly nodded her head and took her eyes off her. And then Piper noticed that they began to drift apart and made a mental note to herself that words were still weapons for them. Powerful weapons actually but what if for once, they didn't use them against each other but for each other.

"But no, I wouldn't have taken it."

Staring only at her, Alex didn't let the other woman know what she was thinking. Her poker face was on and the blonde couldn't tell what she was going to do next. When the mattress shifted beneath them, the emerald-eyed woman crawled up to her, their eyes on the same level. That green gaze on her made her feel like prey, something Alex could make everyone feel like. But her words that were going to come out were triggered by the effect Piper had on her. She made her feel.

"I wouldn't have let you anyway."

"No, you wouldn't have," Piper replied, the slightest hint of a smile appearing on her face when she saw how Alex obviously began to relax and mirrored the expression on her face.

Somehow, they managed to handle the tension and instead of ignoring it or pushing it down, they together dissolved it into thin air. Again, it was easier to breathe for them and as they were face to face, the sexual tension was the only tension that was still present. Simultaneously, they leaned in until their lips collided. But the kiss was soft, even tender and yet long enough to empty their lungs. At some point, their weariness got the better of them and knowing that Alex would still be on top of her and Piper would still want her, sleep found them quickly.

/

 _What a wicked game you play, to make me feel this way  
_ _What a wicked thing to do, make me dream of you  
_ _What a wicked thing to say, never felt that way  
_ _What a wicked thing to do, make me dream of you_

Looking at her with raised brows, she released a raspy chuckle before she asked, "What? You're kidding, right? You never had sex in a car before?"

"Nope, last night was actually the first time."

Again, Piper indirectly confirmed to her that only she could make her do things she thought she'd never do. Like going down on her in a car. Or having a secret lover in her bed at night. And fucking her relentless every time. A lamb in the streets and a freak in the sheets as some might say. They've been awake for a while now, neither of the two really knowing what time it was as time actually seemed to be surreal. It was still raining outside but they were too busy talking about personal memories, favourite movies and sweet nonsense. The brunette never felt more like a person as Piper was giving her the opportunity to live and relive things from her childhood. Although the low life and the upper class were sharing a bed right now, there was enough space for them. Because they couldn't care less about where the other was coming from.

"Damn Chapman," the raven-haired woman said, still lying on top of her and her chin resting on her chest. "You're still no good girl."

"What? Just because of this one time? Once doesn't count, Al."

Watching her, Alex gave her a sly grin as she told her, "Yeah, well, it does because that one time enters the history books."

"Wait, was that a compliment?"

For a moment, green eyes just pierced her, so hard that it sent a shiver down the model's spine.

"It has to be, otherwise I'd be ashamed because you actually learned from the best."

"And there we go with the conceited chatter again."

She couldn't help herself but giggle when the woman on top of her dramatically glared at her. Reaching out, her slim fingers ran through black strands as she heard Alex casually say, "Whatever, kid."

Being in their own little zone that was Piper's king size bed, the rain that was still pouring outside eventually won their attention.

"I can't believe that it's still raining."

Turning her head to the side, the raven-haired woman slightly squinted her eyes and looked through the huge windows. Her gaze fixed on them, she teasingly said, "Even though it's _your_ birthday, how outrageous."

In response, the woman beneath her shot a glance at her, making the brunette chuckle. With her raspy voice, perfectly raised brows and her signature smirk she told her, "Don't be disappointed that you're not the centre of the universe, kid. You can be mine if you want."

Although she meant to mock her, Piper's lips turned into a sly grin, that kind of grin that made Alex's mind spin and her heart skip a beat. That smile still adorning her face, she replied with a sarcastic tone, "Who would've thought that you could be so sweet?"

"I'm not," the taller woman quickly stated, trying to sound as serious as she could and added, "don't get used to it."

But having those distinctive cerulean eyes on her, Alex was having a hard time to suppress a smile. Although neither of the two would admit it, they wouldn't mind having such a morning every time they would wake up. Sweet sex and even sweeter pillow talk were better than every first sip of hot coffee in the morning could be. They weren't even thinking about having sex right now. It wasn't like they would turn each other down if one of them would initiate something. Sex simply wasn't the only thing that kept them together in bed. They were still having physical closure as Alex's bare body was covering Piper's. Yet, it wasn't the only closure they were having. They were talking to each other, they were listening to each other, they were fooling around. Actually, they were so caught up in each other that nothing else had access to their little safe haven. And all Alex needed to escape was Piper, not something her lungs inhaled or her nose breathed in. She was so good, so much better that her body was numb. But not in that usual way when she would kill it. In that way in which Piper was the only thing under her skin, in her bones and in her veins instead of those cockroaches or pins and needles. There was no space for them, Piper having completely possessed her. And Piper, that professional model who had to choose her words carefully and was under the pressure of the world all the time, finally could stretch her wings. Only because of Alex, that woman who was an asshole and a drug-addict and self-destructive, maybe even the complete opposite of her. At least that was something everyone else would think. Because they didn't know them. They didn't know that tender side of this bad junkie or this carefree side of this shallow model. They had no idea who those two women really were. And before they had met, even they themselves hadn't known it.

"So, you really wanna do this all day?"

That husky voice echoed through the apartment and Piper's being, making her realise that they've been spending the whole morning like an old couple. And although that would have usually made her feel anxious, that anxiety had gotten replaced in this very morning. Instead, she felt drunk in a weird way as she had lost track of time and reality and everything in general. Only the woman who made her feel like this also had the ability to make her aware of her state. So she reached for her phone that was on the nightstand next to her bed and checked the time, seeing that she had countless missed calls. Most of them were from Polly, the rest of them from her colleagues, her agent, her team and her brother. But actually, it was reality calling her. And if it weren't for Alex, it would have put its chains around her again.

Seeing how the screen of her mobile turned black again, she put it back onto the nightstand and felt green eyes watching her.

"Yes," she eventually responded and glanced at the woman on top of her.

"I mean, don't you have to be somewhere?"

"Are you trying to kick me out of my own house?"

"What? No, no, it's just… don't your parents want to celebrate your birthday with you?"

"I've got no parents."

Quickly, silence fell on them and Alex rose from her lying position and propped herself up on her elbows that were next to the blonde. With nothing but sincere eyes, she looked down at her and by that expression on her face Piper knew what she was thinking.

"No, it's not like that. They're not dead… they're just dead to me or, I'm dead to them. I don't really know."

Although she would have never expected it, the smallest hint of empathy filled those eyes that could be the coldest winter. For a moment, neither of the two spoke up, both of them risking to drown into reality again. Luckily, Alex as a junkie knew how to reach the surface.

"Can I say that your parents are probably the dumbest people on this planet?"

Feeling her stomach jump again when she saw this little smile creeping up the blonde's face, Alex herself didn't know where that sentence came from. It was so cheesy, and so disgustingly sweet. Didn't she just tell Piper that she wasn't sweet? Yet, she had reached her goal. She made her smile.

However, she had a reputation and therefore said, "I mean, you can be a pain in the ass from time to time and be annoyingly stubborn and there are times I just-"

"You're still an asshole, Alex. It takes more than some sweet words for me to forget that."

She let out a fake relieved sigh before she spoke up, "Good."

Cupping her cheek in her cold palm, she stared at the woman beneath her who returned that stare. Even though Alex wanted to know why Piper and her parents apparently didn't get along well, she didn't want to push her. They've talked so much and maybe the golden-haired woman didn't want to talk about, maybe too personal things were their limit. And a fight was something neither of the two were interested in. They both were still threading on thin ice but it actually looked like the ice has become thicker. Otherwise they wouldn't be where they were in this exact moment.

"Well, I have to admit that a shower would be nice," the blonde let the other woman know whose emerald gaze instantly fell on her bare skin.

And if she kept looking at her like this, they totally weren't going to get out this bed today.

"That would mean getting up."

"I know," Piper replied, having Alex still eye-fucking her.

"But if we won't get up now, we'll probably stay here all day."

"I don't know about you but I'm totally fine with it," the brunette informed her and used her cocky smirk to convince her. "I mean, you were the one who said that all your plans for the day would be sleeping… with me."

And to improve her argument, she leaned down and placed feather-light kisses kisses against the sensitive skin of Piper's neck, knowing exactly that it would drive the blonde crazy.

"I wasn't really awake when I said that."

To her own surprise, her statement didn't come out in a shaky breath. But it took every piece of her composure to avert it. When Alex bit that one spot and sucked on it which was the blonde's kryptonite, she had to release a small moan and closed her eyes for a moment. Of course she wanted Alex, she wanted her on top of her, she wanted her between her legs, she wanted her against her. Still, they had the whole weekend which meant enough time to worship every single part of each other's bodies.

"Alex," she hissed when she felt an icy hand wrapping around her breast.

"Yes?" the woman who was testing her self-control asked as if she had no clue what she was doing.

"I think… we really should… _god_."

Her sentence broke apart when the woman on top of her rocked her knee against her sensitive bundle of nerves between her thighs. That was the moment she defenestrated her composure and surrendered herself to the black-haired woman.

"Please make it quick, baby."

The way Alex was touching her always fogged her mind which was the reason that last word slipped from her lips, followed by a hard gasp when Alex obviously obeyed and rubbed her clit. And before she could say anything else, the brunette was inside her, thrusting her slim index finger deep into her. Piper's eyes reached the back of her head and her hands landed on the back of other woman's body as she was searching for something to cling to. The raven-haired woman who was actually now looking down at the woman under her, admiring the beauty of her building ecstasy, felt sharp nails digging into her ivory skin. _A lamb in the streets, a freak in the sheets._

"But only because it's your birthday," the brunette told her and pushed a second finger into her.

Even though Piper was somewhere inside her delirium, Alex's comment made her grin and as much as the taller woman adored it, she pressed her lips against it, kissing Piper so hard that her nails bored into her spine. Picking up her pace to keep her promise, she could feel on her fingertips that the blonde didn't need much more pushes to fall off the edge. She heard how her breaths became shakier with every thrust and although she rather wanted Piper to have a long-lasting orgasm, she had to stick to the blonde's desperate request. It wasn't that she didn't want to leave this bed, because, of course she wouldn't mind staying in it and she might be a bit horny, too, but it was nearly impossible for her not to lust for Piper. And luckily, Piper was just as horny as her.

The blonde's moans intensified and echoed through the whole apartment. Not to miss the moment, Alex reluctantly pulled away and watched the woman beneath her falling apart for her. Blue eyes were closed and her mouth open, releasing a loud moan when the final hit pushed her off the edge and into her sexual high. She came hard and quick, as Alex had promised her and was still shaking when the brunette removed her fingers.

"Now you're free to go," the woman on top of her whispered against her lips and kissed them deeply.

The model's hands moved up from her back towards her neck and wrapped around them, pulling the brunette closer. When the need for air was no longer possible to ignore, the two women broke apart and Alex moved off of the golden-haired woman. As her receptiveness still needed some time to function properly again, it surprised her when she saw that she was the only who was still in bed, Alex apparently having gotten up and was already about to put her clothes on. She was in her underwear and pulling her black skinny jeans on when she turned around and saw a confused Piper looking at her.

"What?" she asked with a teasing smirk on her face although she already knew the answer and stated, "You told me to make it quick, didn't you?"

Before Piper had the chance to say anything, Alex spoke up again, "Do you maybe have a shirt for me? I think mine smells a bit too much like party… and hot car sex."

"Yeah, uh, top drawer," the blonde replied, still having a puzzled look on her face.

Pulling it open, Alex looked for a shirt that might be a bit larger. She eventually found a grey one and folded it open.

"Smith college, huh?"

When she took it on, she realised that Piper hadn't answered her and therefore turned around. She had this look on her face Alex has seen more than a couple times. This bambi look or the lost little puppy look. Seeing it, she walked up to her and was fighting to hold back a smirk. When she reached the side of it, she raised a brow at the blonde and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"What's wrong baby girl?"

Finally, Piper moved and pulled the sheets up to her shoulders as she sat up, her eyes meeting the other woman's gaze. Only when the brunette thought that something was really wrong, the other woman spoke up.

"It's cold."

Although Alex was always impatient of girly behaviour and couldn't stand it, it was different when Piper was acting like this. In some way, she was that far to say that it was _adorable._ Every time one of those nameless women had been overreacting or making a big fuss about something unimportant, Alex had either shut them up or left them flat. But this was Piper.

"Seriously?"

When blue big eyes looked up at her, Alex rolled her eyes dramatically and made her way to the end of the bed, grabbing the sheets to drag them away. As the blonde knew what she was about to do, she intensified her grip on them and swiftly pulled them out of her reach.

"Okay, okay, I'm already getting up," the model told her and got onto her feet, the sheets wrapped around them.

Alex watched her with a cocky smirk stepping up to her wardrobe, getting some fresh clothes. When she was about to walk past her and muttered, "Ass," under her breath with a cheeky grin, the brunette took a step to the side and blocked her way.

"An ass that's gonna make you breakfast… I mean it's the least I can do as I already had breakfast."

"Very smooth," Piper complimented her and kissed her fast yet deep enough to leave the taller woman breathless when she pulled away and walked towards the bathroom.

"Bad girl," Alex yelled after her and smiled when the blonde let the sheets drop to the floor.

Her own smile dropped as well though when the door to the bathroom fell shut. That was her chance. Waiting a few more seconds to make sure that Piper was actually showering, the raven-haired woman put her glasses on and walked down the stairs, glancing one last time up to see that the door was still closed. There are many things in life which are only meant to be almost. She almost forgot. Piper almost made her forget. But now her hand was in the pocket of her leather jacket because almost was only almost.

* * *

 _To be honest, I'm kinda ashamed that it took me such a painful long time to upload. First and foremost, I want to apologise for it. Secondly, you guys are seriously the best, I mean, I highly appreciate every single review and follow and favourite and I'm just blown away by your reactions. I can't believe that you actually think that every new chapter tops the former one and that this story is one of the bests you've ever read and that you're always looking forward to a new chapter. You guys are just too damn kind. That's why I think I should let you know why you had to wait for a new chapter for so long. Well, for one, I've got a couple exams coming up. But that's not the main reason. The main reason, which is probably also the main reason this story might seem so real and why I'm telling it in the way I am, is that Alex's addiction is actually my addiction, and some things are based on my own experiences. Look, I truly don't want to make a big fuss about it, I actually didn't even mean to reveal it but I think that I owe you an explanation, even though it's not even a good one. So yeah, in case you're gonna have to wait for too long again which I hope won't happen, you'll know why. However, I hope you like this chapter and I'm thrilled to know what you think about it! Oh and a little teaser: just because I didn't get a happy ending doesn't have to mean that these two won't get a happy ending... Cheers Xx_


	15. Amentia Caeca

_Chapter 15: Amentia Caeca_

 _She_ wasn't there, she noticed. Thoughts began to run, began to spin, began to load her, began to cloud her. They nearly even made her go deaf, the last letters of the woman on the other end of the line floating through the maze of her own thoughts. Stuck in her own daze, only her cerulean eyes moved, searching through her big apartment. Someone said her name but she couldn't hear that person. All she could do was see. She saw the bottomless ocean between _them_ again because she didn't see _her._ And then she saw her own stupidity scolding her for having really believed that she could be enough. Eventually, she saw reality laughing right into her face. _Sweet Piper, sweet, naive, stupid Piper, did you forget what I'd taught you?_

Again, her name was said and she was close to falling down the stairs when reality got her back.

"Hello? Are you still there?"

Blinking her blue eyes repeatedly as if she wanted to blink away the haze, she walked down the stairs, her free hand gripping tightly around the banister.

"Yeah, uh, sorry. The news on the TV distracted me."

She fixed her mute TV set whose screen was black instantly with a glare as if she wanted to warn it, making sure that it wouldn't rat her out. She eventually reached the kitchen and leaned against the counter, all this time wondering what she should do, what she should think about being yet again a second choice, an option, a pastime, an alternative that would never become a priority for _her._ Her hate for _her_ almost topped her hate for herself. Almost.

"Fine then turn it off because I'm not done yet. You can't keep telling me that you're just fuck-buddies when you left your own birthday party that early that it can't even be called a birthday party because you were actually gone _before_ your birthday. Only because of super-cunt."

 _Apparently, she really was a super-cunt. A drug-addicted, swanky, smug, manipulative, selfish, reckless, dickish super-_

That perfect raise of one those even more perfect brows quickly put an end to her thoughts. It shut her mind off and reality as well which was actually dangerous for her and should scare her. But _she_ was here. Nothing else existed.

"I told you I'm sorry, Pols. I just didn't feel that well. I'll make it up to you, okay?"

Her mouth was talking but it wasn't her who was in charge. She was already drowning in her and all she wanted was to end this phone call so that they could return to their own small zone they had built together.

"Fine, then start by telling the truth and confess what's going on between you two."

She approached her, walking up to her from the other bathroom in her apartment she had just stepped out of and had an usual sheepish look on her sculptured face. Fixing her glasses, it was unbeknownst to her that this small act made her even more attractive in those sky-blue eyes.

"Nothing. Look, I really gotta get going. I'll call you and then you can ask me everything you want, alright?"

Making promises she wouldn't keep and being rude to her best friend weren't in her nature. It was solely that effect this one woman had on her that made her do things she had never done before her.

"Piper Elizabeth Chapman, don't you dare hanging up right now… Oh my god, hold up. She's still with you, isn't she? You're too horny to think straight right now, like, literally. I swear I'm gonna kick your ass the next time I'll see you. Have fun, sex bunnies."

And then she was finally released and looked up at the woman in front of her whose muscular arms were crossed in front of her chest.

"Is she still mad?" she asked with her raspy voice.

"She'll get over it."

"She hates me."

"Can you blame her?"

"Touché."

Staring at each other, Piper noticed that she looked different but couldn't quite put a finger on it. It was like she had somehow changed while Piper had been in the shower. But she couldn't tell what had changed. And neither could she tell if it was good or bad.

"You okay?"

The brunette frowned as she replied, "Sure, why wouldn't I be?"

"You look different."

Instead of getting an answer, Alex eyed her questionably and let her arms drop to scratch one unknowingly. Was Piper only seeing things that weren't there? Was she just overreacting? Was her mind still slightly captured by reality and was trying to fool her?

"Fine, to be honest. I'm kinda ashamed because I said that I would make you breakfast but then I realised that I don't know your place."

This time, the blonde wasn't sure if Alex was just joking to cover something up or if she was actually being serious. Looking around, she saw that there indeed was no breakfast and yet, she didn't get entirely rid off this bad feeling. This bad feeling that something was wrong. But maybe it was solely her own mind that was begrudging her the good things in life. Only moments ago, she had thought that Alex had left her because she could no longer fight against her dark lust. And now, this very woman was standing in front of her, being slightly embarrassed that she couldn't make her breakfast. The mind was a powerful weapon. And she should open it up to let good things in instead of overloading it with her familiar fears.

"Maybe you should see it as a lesson then," she didn't know for sure if she was telling this Alex or herself, "and stop bragging so much."

Stepping up to her, she used her height and closure to intimidate the blonde and said, "Careful Chapman, it might backfire on you."

"I can take this risk."

"Oh, you have to," the raven-haired woman told her and rested her hands on the counter to trap the model between it and her body.

In addition, she placed her leg between the blonde's and when she pressed it against the her sensitive nerves and made it look like she was going to kiss her as her emerald eyes were staring at her lips this whole time, she dropped the tension like a hot stone and pulled back.

Seeing the perplexed look on the younger woman's face, she gave her a smug grin and readjusted her glasses.

"Do you have a toothbrush for me?"

Considering what she had just done to her, Piper couldn't believe how easy it was for the other woman to cool down this fast and ask her something so absolutely unrelated. When she gathered herself again and realised that maybe she should stop bragging, too, she walked around the counter and turned on the coffee brewer. Standing with her back to the brunette as she was preparing coffee, she looked over her shoulder with a small smile and informed her, "Sure, there should be some new ones in the drawer upstairs in my bathroom."

That smile only faltered when Alex nodded in response and made her way upstairs. She saw it again, something was wrong. She couldn't be making this up, could she? Nevertheless, she did know that something was blinding her view. Because something was going on but neither her eyes nor mind were clear enough to realise what it was and if it was good or bad. Maybe it was naive hope that was protecting her from seeing the truth. Or it was the pessimist inside of her that couldn't allow her to be happy. Actually, she should just be relieved that Alex hadn't left and was still here. Although she didn't know if Alex was acting weird or if she was the one who was acting weird, she shouldn't focus on it. Instead, she should just be free, just like she had been this morning, with Alex. And unlike Alex, Piper was better at handling thoughts and emotions. She didn't need a hit to turn them off. What she missed out though was the fact that she was a professional and, Alex wasn't. They were fighting the same wars, trying to free themselves from their masters that were life and reality and still, they had time to fight each other. But their fights were about something completely different, they were caused by absolutely different things. But they haven't been fighting in a while now, and maybe that was why Piper was so suspicious, why this devious voice inside her brain was trying to drag her down. Because Alex could get her so high, so high that she lost touch with reality. So something had to remind her that she was only in an ecstatic dream that could never come true for her. And it nearly knocked her out of the skies.

"What, you were actually waiting for me to make you breakfast?" she breathed into her ear, low and raspy, her hands around her slim waist that had crept up underneath her sweater colder than ice.

"Hm, you said yourself that an ass would make me breakfast and, as you're the only ass around-"

With a quick move, the brunette interrupted her by turning her around so that they were face to face and pushed her against the counter. Staring down at her, she raised a brow and said, "You know, I actually have a birthday gift for you but, as you're this mean to me, I'm not sure if I should really give it to you."

"You're just bluffing," the blonde replied, squinting her eyes.

"Maybe, maybe not. I mean, you can push your hand into my pants pocket and check yourself if I'm just bluffing. Ass pocket of course."

With a disbelieving look on her face, the golden-haired woman shook her head and all she wanted was to wipe out this cocky grin on Alex's face but instead let out a sigh and shoved her hand into the back pocket of her skinny jeans. To her own surprise, her slim finger wrapped around a small cold thing that she couldn't quite identify. When she gripped it, she pulled it out of the taller woman's pocket and before she could say anything as she eventually saw what she had gifted her, Alex told her, "Right ass cheek and you might get the second one."

Although she wanted to roll her eyes at this, not because the brunette was getting on her nerves what had usually been the reason but because she wanted to suppress her grin that was caused by Alex's teasing, the urge to hide it wasn't as strong as her urge to let it adorn her beautiful face.

"You're the worst," she muttered and put her hand into the raven-haired woman's other pants pocket.

What she found was the missing piece to her gift but it was symbolically her missing piece as well and it all was so disgustingly symbolic that Piper had to ask herself who this person in front of her was. No matter what Alex did, good or bad, it always caught Piper absolutely off guard. She would never know what to expect from the mystery that was Alex Vause and she would always reach the point where she would wonder if she should pick the thrill or safety. And even if she chose safety and said no to the black-haired enigma, in some twisted fucked up way, Alex gave her some way of safety. And this shelter that Alex was to her was the first one that actually managed to rip her out of all claws, chains and curses. Yet, it didn't mean that it wasn't dangerous, that she wasn't dangerous.

 _But without Yin, there was no Yang._

"You can wear them both yourself, you know, for your own inner balance or keep it for someone who is your peace or I don't know, I just saw it and had to think of you…"

Looking at the two pieces in her hands, Alex's words made her lift her gaze and the blonde saw that Alex was actually serious about it, about the things she'd just said and about her gift. It was actually thoughtful and Piper again wondered which other parts, pieces and layers she would explore in this almost 6 feet tall puzzle.

"I think you're definitely the black half," Piper eventually replied jokingly and caught Alex smiling instead of smirking.

"Opposites attract, kid."

"Does that mean I'm the white in your black? The light in your darkness?"

"Yeah well no, it rather means that you're the pain in my ass."

Even though Alex's words would have been hurtful weeks ago, they were just words. They were no longer weapons, they still could be, given that they wanted them to be weapons but neither of the two women had to be careful with their words anymore and had to carefully choose them. She knew that Piper knew that she was only joking. Piper's mischievous smile and her answer were enough proof.

"And just when I thought that you're actually a human being with feelings and a heart you remind me that you're just a robot who is also an ass."

"You're welcome."

"Screw you," she whispered against her lips and kissed them hard enough to steal the oxygen from the brunette's lungs.

"So, do you like it?" Alex asked between their kisses, trapping the shorter woman again between herself and the counter.

"I don't know yet, maybe if you put it on for me."

The brunette obeyed her order and grabbed the two necklaces. Piper turned her back to her and parted her hair to give Alex better access.

"Both or do you already have someone in mind you can give your other half to?"

Unbeknownst to the both of them, the model did have someone in mind to give the second necklace and the other part of the Yin-Yang symbol to. But this all was foreign to her as well. _What was love?_

"Put them both on before I'll lose the other half."

Alex did as she had been told to and as she was clasping the necklaces, her fingers brushed against Piper's neck and she couldn't believe that this simple touch could turn her on this much. It was like she was craving for it all the time, as if she could fuck Alex all the time. She didn't know that she simply wanted and needed Alex all the time.

"They look expensive."

"No shit, kid," the raven-haired woman replied jokingly and eventually pulled her hands back.

Instantly turning around, Piper reached for the two halves of the black and white circle and looked at them.

"I'm just glad that I didn't lose them last night."

When her blue eyes shot up again to meet emeralds, Piper was again losing her memory. She forgot that Alex was an addict, she forgot that she was an asshole, she forgot that she hated her, she forgot that she herself was a prisoner, she forgot that she herself would never be enough. That was probably the biggest reason why the raven-haired woman was dangerous. Not because of what she was and what kind of life she was living but because of what she was doing to Piper. Alex could drive her insane, Alex could make her cross borders, Alex could make her dependent. To sum it up, a junkie made her addicted, something that wasn't unusual. But Piper wasn't lusting for numbing pills or snow-white powder to kill her body and her mind. Even though Alex made her feel on drugs, this addiction Alex had triggered inside of her wasn't a drug you could get from your friendly drug dealer. This drug was priceless because it was the greatest drug in the whole universe. And the deadliest. _But, what was love?_

"Thanks," was all that she could eventually say.

It was only a soft mutter because she was confused. There was so much inside of her right now, things she didn't know how to deal with and even though escaping was the best option for her, she could never escape this feeling. Alex was haunting her, Alex was her obsession.

The black-haired woman eventually broke the silence and the intense looks they were exchanging when she replied with her raspy voice, "You're welcome, Pipes… but please remember that I'm just a robot who is also an ass."

"What, do you think I'm bribable?!" Piper asked dramatically, yet with a sly smile on her face.

"No but I know how hard it is to resist my charm."

"Which charm?"

"That charm that made you stare at me like you did only seconds ago."

"I was just wondering who was actually standing in front of me because the real Alex Vause isn't sweet."

"Your cheeky mouth will get you in big trouble, Chapman."

The model only smirked at her in response and reluctantly left the other woman's embrace to make her way to her refrigerator. After she opened it, she glanced over her shoulder and said to the woman she was looking at, "Let me introduce you to my kitchen so you can make me breakfast."

Grabbing her glasses to place them on top of her head, the brunette walked over to her and crossed her arms in front of her chest when she was standing behind Piper. The blonde handed her some eggs and milk over before she closed the fridge again.

"Pancakes?" Alex asked, holding the eggs and the milk carton in both of her hands.

"The pan is in the counter above the stove," the golden-haired woman informed her and gathered the rest of the things Alex needed.

Whilst she was cracking the eggs, Piper was watching her, sitting on top of the opposite counter and suddenly said, "Let me guess, I'm actually the first person you're making breakfast for."

Adding the flour and milk, Alex didn't turn around when she answered, "You are but don't be smug about it, kid. I don't even make breakfast for myself."

There was only one thing she was always craving for in the morning but this thing didn't fill her stomach. However, there hasn't even been a second Alex questioned what exactly she was doing right now. Making breakfast. For a woman she was having sex with and not to even get the sex but after she had had the sex. So far, she hadn't even stayed with any of those other women long enough to have breakfast. She had always been gone before the sun had even been up. And right now, she was standing in Piper's kitchen, making her breakfast and she was totally fine with it. It wasn't weird or felt wrong, it was just strange to her. Not solely this breakfast-making-thing in general but apparently also making some pancakes.

"Alex," the blonde abruptly chuckled before she asked, "do you know what you're doing?"

Although the taller woman was standing with her back to her, she knitted her brows and hesitantly said, "Yeah… why?"

"Because the batter is full of egg shells," Piper explained to her and Alex eventually noticed that she was standing next to her.

"It's a secret ingredient."

"Oh really?" Alex heard the woman next to her say who also let out another soft chuckle and Alex had to stop herself from joining her.

"Yup," the raven-haired woman nonchalantly stated and reached for the mixer.

Before she could turn it on though, a warm hand on top of her own stopped her from doing so.

"You've never made pancakes in your whole life you, have you?"

After a short moment of silence, Alex looked at her and sheepishly said, "That obvious, huh?"

Piper nodded her head in response and stepped closer to the raven-haired woman to remove the egg shells. Eyeing the blonde attentively, Alex leaned with her side against the counter and put her glasses on. Just when she thought that she got smoothly out of her impasse, she heard the other woman say, "Don't think that I'm gonna do all the work."

Before Alex could protest, the blonde handed her the mixer as the batter was clean again.

"Don't stir it too fast," Piper informed her and watched Alex expectantly preparing the batter.

Whilst Alex was mixing it, Piper added the rest of the ingredients and couldn't deny that she was enjoying such a simple thing like making breakfast. It was almost like they would have been normal people with normal lives without any bad habits and dark influences. They had this effect on each other which made them easily forget about everything else. Even though it was more than dangerous because at some point they both would have to wake up, they couldn't care less. They didn't care about yesterday, about last month, about tomorrow, about next week. All that mattered was them, being together in this very moment. And as Piper was the only thing Alex could see and Alex was the only thing Piper could focus on, it wasn't difficult to block the world out. Even if Alex would have never tried drugs before Piper, she would have become a junkie anyway. Because Piper sucked her in faster and lighter than anything else. She was truly getting high on her.

When they finished preparing the batter and could start making the pancakes, the brunette's glasses suddenly blinded her as they were covered in flour. She didn't even need to take them off to see that smug grin on Piper's face.

"Very funny," Alex grumbled and took her glasses off to clean them.

"You're always so serious," the blonde told her but was proven wrong when her face was full of flour as well.

"Am I?" she heard the taller woman ask and saw how she was staring at her with a raised brow.

 _How much she hated this raised brow._

 _And that cocky grin._

 _Both things made her even more irresistible._

"You're silly," Piper mumbled, making the other woman smile even cockier and grabbed a towel to clean her face.

In the meanwhile, Alex had already turned on the oven and was cooking the first pancakes.

"Don't burn them," the blonde warned her and placed two plates on top of the table.

"And you're calling me a smart-ass."

"Because you are."

After the brunette had had a tough time cooking the pancakes, the bowl of batter was finally empty, much to her liking and the two women made sat down at the table, Piper already filling her plate with food.

"Hungry?" Alex asked her, watching how the woman next to her was darting at the pancakes like a ravenous animal.

"I'm starving, I mean, it took you long enough to cook them," the model commented teasingly and right after her first bite added, "You can't believe how relieved I am that they're actually good."

"Hush and enjoy your breakfast smartypants."

The blonde did as she had been told and ate her breakfast whilst the taller woman was only watching her. Piper was so caught up in staving off her hunger that she didn't notice that Alex's plate has been empty this whole time. It wasn't like Alex wasn't hungry, she was but her drug use had destroyed her appetite a long time ago, just like her need to actually eat something. The perks of being a junkie. First, you'd lose everything you hate and everything bad in life until the drugs would have finally taken it all away which would be the fucking greatest feeling in the world. That was the reason she had turned to them back then. She had needed an escape and something that could take the evil in her life away. What she had forgotten to include was the fact that, after the drugs would do their job and would take those things Alex would be more than willing to give to them, the drugs wouldn't stop to take more. Soon after the raven-haired woman had lost the horrible things in her life, she has been losing the few good things in her life as well. Because they had no regards for her. They just took and took, even after Alex didn't want to give anymore. And that was the one big reason she couldn't quit. Nothing was left inside of her, she was an empty shell and, due to her endless emptiness that she couldn't handle, she had the urge to fill this gigantic hole. And the drugs were the only things that could satisfy her because anything else that had tried to creep into her were thoughts and feelings and reality. Those bad things she had killed a long time ago. So she decided to numb herself to bear her void instead of letting anything in, or anyone. Well, until she had met this long-haired dream with the face of an angel. Because sometimes, as much as it might hurt to be human, Alex wouldn't know what was worse. Feeling everything or nothing at all. Yet, Piper had shown her a different side. She had taught her how to feel and, even the impossible. And as they were sitting next to each other at this gloomy noon, eating pancakes and simply doing things normal people did, Alex felt like a person. Piper made her feel like a person. Not in some _I-don't-know-who-I-am_ bullshit thing but in some _I-am-alive_ bullshit thing. She was no zombie, or a junkie or both or nothing. She was so much more and if she didn't have this sickening feeling in her guts and right beneath her ivory skin she could forever be a person. But what if it was too late for her?

 _They_ would always be calling out for her.

Her life would always revolve around silencing and shutting off. Reality or zone. Love or lust. Forsakenness or ignorance.

 _Pick, Alex,  
_ _make a decision.  
_ _What do you want?  
_ _Run away?  
_ _Drown?  
_ _You need us.  
_ _You're just lying to yourself if you believe that you can live without us._

 _Do you even know know what love is?_

 _Bullshit._

 _Do you know what having feelings is?_

 _Pointless._

We _will never leave you.  
_ She _will eventually  
_ _We're always there for you, we've always been and we always will.  
_ _People suck.  
They always take and take until they find out there's nothing they can take from you anymore._

 _But_ we _give you something,_ we _fix you,_ we _protect you._

Shut up.

 _She uses you, Alex._

You don't know her.

 _Oh but you do? You're only fucking her, do you think you know her because you know how to make her come?_

She's different.

 _No she's not. She's like everyone else. She's lonely, just like you. And just like you, she uses something to forget about her loneliness. And that something is you. Are you really that stupid? You're an expert when it comes to using and manipulating everything and everybody, you're using_ us, _you're a hophead_. _Shouldn't you be able to detect another user?_

She isn't using me.

 _Do you think that this is_ love _? You're both selfish, you're both fucked up, you're both solitary. Same coin, different sides. You're both the same. Only in different worlds. You don't love her and she will never love you. If you love anything, it's us. You'll never find anything better than us. You only like fucking her because her hands are soft and her skin is flawless and your name is all she can say when she comes. You love to fuck her. But you don't love her. If you loved her, you wouldn't still be listening to us._

Fuck. They were right. She lost her focus and was covered in her sinful desire again. There hadn't even been a second she would have been strong enough to silence them. She wished, she would have never listened to them. She wished, she would have never let them come to life. She wished, she would have never used. But, it was too late. They made her feel too fucking good.

"Al?"

How badly she wanted to listen to _her_ and wanted _her_ to be the only thing on her mind. But her mind was too messed up, Piper didn't fit in it. She was just a little bit too perfect. And Alex was just a little bit too insane.

"Are you okay? You haven't eaten anything."

Not really being able to pay attention as her brain was too overloaded to let anything in, Alex tried to look at her but was off her chair before her eyes could even land on her and tried not to rush to the bathroom. She couldn't take it anymore. As carefully as she could, she closed the bathroom door behind her and locked it.

And then she bended over the toilet again, throwing up for the third time this morning if she had counted correctly and her stomach was so empty that the ache could easily spread inside of her. Right now, she didn't know if she was going to survive this. And if she was, the reason for it was downstairs, sitting at the kitchen island with her long golden hair in her blue sweater and dark sweatpants, looking as beautiful as ever. Yet, having to throw up repeatedly although there was nothing inside of her was knocking her more out than every MMA fight she had ever had. Probably because she's never faced this one enemy that was her greatest at the same time. Herself. Her body was so weak that, even though the urge to puke got off her back for now, she was still leaning over the toilet, her right arm being her strongest limb as she reached up and operated the toilet. Cold sweat was covering her body and Alex couldn't remember the last time she had felt this miserable. Never actually because she had never reached this point before, she had always lifted herself up with a hit before anything could even get the chance to drag her down. And now it was like all those times she had prevented herself from were violently crashing down on her like a thousand bricks. She didn't know if this was her rock bottom, hell or justice. Someday, she would look back and realise that she was close to her rock bottom on this very day but that it was nothing compared to her actual rock bottom that was waiting for her.

But now, as if the universe was testing her, the strong taste of iron was on her lips and touching her nose, Alex knew why. "Seriously?!" she muttered angrily, quickly grabbing some toilet paper and rolled it up to stuff her nostrils, just like Piper once had told her. Thinking of her, she just hoped that the blonde didn't notice that she's been in here for some time now. The last thing she needed right now was Piper seeing her like this. It was her fucking birthday, couldn't she just pull herself together, for only once in her life?

 _It's her birthday for fuck's sake and all you think about is to blow it up and to do blow, you're the fucking worst._

That was why she was losing her mind. Sometimes, she didn't know who was talking to her. At one moment, they wanted to seduce her and told her that it was okay and at the next they reminded her that she was the scum of the earth.

 _You should've taken the bag and not this sappy necklace out of your jacket pocket you dickhead._

Right now, she couldn't even disagree on it. Pulling the tissues away to check if her nose was still bleeding, even more blood dripped over her lips. That was exactly why she got high. Before the day could drag her down or could even have the slightest chance to drag her down, she got high. Simple solution. But she was at Piper's place, it was Piper's birthday and Piper was here. She couldn't… right?

She shouldn't.

But she could.

When the nausea began to disappear, Alex leaned against the bathtub with her legs spread in front of her and her left hand pressed against her nostrils as she was internally hoping that Piper wouldn't be at the other side of the door any second. The way she had handled the situation in the kitchen had been more than disastrous. Actually, it was a surprise that Piper hadn't followed her. The blonde wasn't stupid. She knew when something was wrong. Even before breakfast she had been suspicious. Alex had seen it in her face. Piper had been worried, maybe afraid. She had thought Alex would leave her or would use something. But this time, Piper hadn't this look on her face that was absolutely judgmental. Alex wouldn't have blamed her though.

 _You can't trust a drug-addict._

Although she didn't know how long she's been in the bathroom, she had to admit that she was kind of surprised that Piper hasn't shown up yet. It wasn't like she needed her to worry about her or look after her especially as she didn't want the blonde to see her like this. Yet, this time Alex had the feeling that something was wrong. Very wrong. When the nose-bleeding finally stopped, the raven-haired woman cleaned her face and looked one last time in the mirror to check if she could walk out of the room without looking like an absolute mass. Letting out a deep breath, she unlocked the door and opened it. She walked along the railing and saw that the kitchen was almost completely clean. What she didn't see though was Piper. To say that she had an odd feeling about this would be an understatement. Yet, what if her mind was only manipulating her the way she would manipulate her surroundings. Maybe she and Piper really could do easy.

Of course they couldn't.

"Are you looking for something?"

Hearing that familiar voice, Alex turned around as she was already downstairs in the kitchen and saw the blonde standing behind her. Before she could realise that her odd feeling was right, she replied, "Yeah, I was actually looking for you."

In response, Piper only hummed and she did it so contemptuously that the raven-haired woman knew that this was the calm before the storm. Piper approached her and as she was coming closer to her, Alex could see the rage in those beautiful sky-blue eyes. When they were face to face, all Alex wanted was to aggressively wrap her arms around her slim waist and kiss her so hard and deep that she'd forget why she was mad and eventually fuck her so ruthless that she'd forget her own name. Ignorance was great. True happiness was when you didn't know a thing. Who needed a working mind with destructive thoughts if you could erase your memory and forget everything. And sex was the only way to make Piper forget, that was the thing that had started this whole thing between them. Maybe _they_ were right. Piper only used her, Piper was only lonely like her and couldn't handle her demons. That was why she needed Alex. To forget. To get through the night. To keep her company. And in the morning, when she wouldn't be scared or emotional anymore, she wouldn't need her. _They_ were right. Alex used Piper and Piper used Alex. This wasn't love. This wasn't real. The both of them just created a fictional place together that was set in their bedrooms and was full of sex, lust, dirt and needs. And, as they both might be afraid to lose the only thing that kept them safe at night, the two of them were willing to do actually everything and cross borders and do things neither of them would have thought they would ever do. Like Piper fucking her in her car because she wanted to be the only one for Alex and had to show her who owned her. Or like Alex making Piper breakfast because Alex had to prove to herself that she could be a normal person with a normal life and wanted to manipulate Piper into believing exactly that, something she herself didn't believe. But at some point these wicked games they were playing would collapse like a house of cards and reality would kick in. Just like in this very moment.

"So, by pure chance, you weren't looking for this?"

The second her question left her mouth, she held up a small white bag and before Alex could react, this white bag, this fucking bag that was white like fucking innocence itself but was actually the most sinful thing in the whole wide world, was thrown at her. And although it didn't hurt at all when this feather-like bag which was the heaviest burden in her life collided with her shoulder, it did hurt when the brunette was still looking at her and those beautiful blue eyes mirrored the damage she had made.

"I didn't use anything… Pipes I fucking swear!" she nearly pleaded and quickly closed the gap between them but when she wanted to touch her there were already four oceans holding them apart.

"Then why are you acting so weird, huh? What kept you so fucking long in the bathroom?!"

When Alex attempted to approach her again, the blonde took another step back and hissed like a beast, "Don't."

"You have to believe me, I'm sober."

Alex's usual coolness and the way she would always talk calmly was the biggest contrast to Piper's temper. And it made the blonde even more furious.

"I can't fucking believe you. You're asking me to believe you? Although you're telling me lies all the time?!"

"Piper," she began again and was slowly getting frustrated, "I did not use anything. I did not touch anything."

The blonde was eyeing her questionably, looking for any sign that Alex wasn't honest. But the world was already whispering things into her ear.

"What were you doing in the bathroom?" Piper asked her, the tone of her voice suddenly uninflected.

"Sorry?" the taller woman replied with a bewildered look on her face.

"What were you doing in the bathroom?"

Letting out a scoff, Alex laughed humuorlessly as she couldn't believe the ridiculousness of the model's question. "You're fucking kidding, right? Can't I have some privacy or do I have to unsubscribe to you every time I have to take a piss?!" Letting out another dry chuckle, she added, "Oh and, what the fuck, you're prying into my things now?! Or did the fucking coke grew some legs and walked out of my jacket?"

That was why they were an awful match. Alex was a mess and so was Piper. Alex was stubborn and so was Piper. Alex had a temper which might take more than Piper's but would slip through equally hurtfully. They were the same but from different worlds. Same coin, different sides.

"Are you fucking serious?! Your goddamn phone was ringing!"

"Oh and then you absolutely accidentally happened to stumble upon my jacket and find some shit instead of my phone? Is that how it happened?"

"Your phone was in your jacket, asshole. It didn't stop ringing. And fuck you for thinking that I pried into your goddamn stuff!"

And then Piper spun around, about to walk away from her but Alex foiled her.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?! You can't run away from me!"

When the blonde didn't respond, Alex took swiftly three big steps forward and grabbed her wrist tightly enough that the shorter woman couldn't shake it off.

"You're a maniac, did you know that?! You're fucking crazy Alex, you're a freak!"

"And so are you," Alex told her and before Piper could even free herself from her strong grip, the raven-haired woman stopped her from talking and crashed her lips into hers.

They were both so mad that even the hate they had for each other couldn't tear them apart. Actually, it was solely that rage inside of them that had gotten them so hungry for each other. Even Piper who had looked like she was more than done with Alex and her crap was so driven by her hate for the brunette that she instantly grabbed a fistful of black hair to violently pull the taller woman closer. The way their lips collided against another wasn't close to a kiss. It was more biting, sharp teeth and wet tongues included. Neither of the two could tell who was hornier and before Piper had the chance to think about pushing Alex away from her, the raven-haired woman had somehow managed to navigate her into the kitchen. When her ass hit the counter and Alex's mouth was no longer on her own, she heard how the porcelain plates that had still been on top of them shattered into a million pieces. And Piper realised in a split second, everything Alex would touch would turn into a huge mess or a pile shards. She broke things and people because she was broken. She was hurting people because she was hurt. She was losing the people around her because she was lost.

She was like Alex.

She was a freak like her.

 _But if there's one thing about you that I admire it's baby  
_ _Because you stay with me, maybe, because you're as crazy as I am  
_ _Cause when I look at you I can see an angel in your eyes  
_ _But if I look deeper inside I see your freakish little side_

 _Cause I hate you, do you hate me?  
_ _Good, cause you're so fuckin' beautiful when you're angry  
_ _It makes me, wanna just take you and just throw you  
_ _On the bed and fuck you like I don't even know you_

 _Cause the sex is too damn good,  
_ _if I ran who would I run to  
_ _That would be this soft and warm  
_ _So it's off and on, usually more off than on_

 _You love when I fall apart, fall apart  
_ _So you can put me together and throw me against the wall  
_ _It beats me black and blue but it fucks me so good  
_ _And I can't get enough_

Yet, before any other thought could fill her mind, the taller woman slammed her on the top of the counter. Moving up a bit to lie completely down on it, Alex tore Piper's pants off together with her underwear down to her knees and the golden-haired woman found herself again doing something she thought she would never do. Having rough sex on top of the counter in her kitchen. Alex owned her in every way possible. That one black-haired woman could have and take her everywhere and in every way. Only because she was always so incredibly horny for her, she was always lusting after her, she was always craving for her. And what made it all worse was the fact that not only her body needed her. There hasn't been one day ever since Piper had met Alex almost 4 months ago that she wouldn't think about her. That was the reason she was so angry with her. She hated that the brunette had such a hold on her. It was always Alex, Alex, Alex. Like she has become the fucking centre of her universe. And how this woman was leaning over her, grasping her bottom lip with her teeth before she paid attention to that one specific spot on the blonde's neck and began to suck on it and bite it. Although it hurt, Piper would take such a pain any day. It was the most pleasurable pain she had ever experienced and she didn't mind if Alex would rip her apart. They both were absolutely driven by their anger and the raven-haired woman didn't fail to remind her.

"You're a goddamn psycho," the blonde managed to say in a desperate tone.

Her teeth sinking deeper into her skin, Alex pulled eventually back when she heard that the woman underneath her had said something. It wasn't what she had said because, as Alex had already known, Piper could call her anything and throw any insults at her and she still would want to stay with her. The reason she drew back was the fact that Piper was thinking that she could say something. Because she couldn't. Alex was in control. Alex was on top. Alex was fucking her. Not the other way around.

When Piper noticed the lack of contact, she opened her dark blue eyes and was instantly trapped in the other woman's vitriolic green gaze. And when she lifted her head from the surface to kiss her, the brunette wrapped one hand around the back of her head, fingers getting lost in golden strands and violently pushed her down again.

"You're not in the position to do anything."

Their stares impossibly intensified and Piper asked confidently, "Says who?"

"Jesus, you're so fucking stubborn," Alex told her and emphasised her statement when her free hand collided with the younger woman's clit.

Piper immediately let out a whimper, proving to them both that Alex was the only one who was in control. In reaction to the brunette's touch the model wrapped her legs that were surrounding Alex around her and pushed her against the counter. Much to the dismay of Alex who quickly pulled her hand back.

"What did I fucking tell you?"

She was looking down at her and saw that her cerulean eyes were closed, only her mouth slightly open. Nonetheless, Piper apparently wasn't thinking about obeying completely as her legs were still around the taller woman. In the end, Alex didn't mind though as she saw how Piper was lying under her, being a beautiful horny mess. Only because of her. So she began to move her thigh against the blonde's sensitive nerve above her soaking lips and turned the woman beneath her into an even bigger mess. She finally made Piper forget about everything and could distract herself from everything when she pushed a long finger deep inside of the model and made tremble and moan.

As her blue eyes were still shut, Alex leaned down, her hot breath hitting Piper's temple before she whispered into her ear, "Maybe I should fuck some sense into you."

And with that, she began to thrust harder and faster into her and the blonde wasn't so sure if Alex was actually fucking some sense into her or was fucking her senseless. In the end, it didn't matter, she didn't care. While Piper wasn't able to hold herself together and her body trembled even more with every push and she didn't know that Alex was watching her. Her emerald eyes were staring at her face, this angel face that was so lovely and flawless and the most beautiful thing her eyes had ever fallen on. Just seeing those faces Piper would make every time Alex would touch and fuck her could be enough for her to come herself. To pick her pace up, the brunette used her leg to push it against her own hand and to make the woman under her come hard and fast. And even though she couldn't see when Piper's eyes would roll to the back of head, the way the blonde's back arched up and the desperate and throaty tone of her usual soft voice saying curse words or Alex's name or both was revealing enough. God, _they_ were right. She really did love fucking Piper. But because it was Piper. _And Piper was different._

"Fuck, Alex," she heard the woman beneath her shout and she couldn't hold back a smirk.

Curling her long fingers, Alex could feel how the blonde's walls tightened around her and she could tell that she was close. Very close apparently because even though she had told her not to, the model put her warm hands on Alex's hips, finding a way under the fabric of her shirt that was actually Piper's and dug her nails into her snow-white skin. Yet, the brunette was too fixed on making her come and let the model scratch her. She loved it when Piper touched her.

"God," the blonde groaned but this time Alex wouldn't show mercy.

She leaned even further down so that their lips were only inches apart and after she had captured Piper's in a breathtaking, hard kiss, she again whispered into her ear, "Shut up you fucking snooper, poking your nose into everything" and bit her earlobe, making the blonde gasp.

"You're the one with the fucking coke nose, asshole."

If Alex didn't want her to come as well, she would have pulled back by now and would have dropped the golden-haired woman like a hot stone. Piper was in luck though because Alex was always getting way too high on fucking her. All she could do to punish her in some way was to stick her tongue into her mouth, gaining dominance without any effort and slowed down the kiss before she bit onto Piper's bottom lip and pulled it, pushing the blonde closer to the edge. Piper's slim fingers eventually turned into knives, boring into her porcelain skin and would probably brush her ribs any moment. The way she was basically clinging to her and wasn't willing to let go was ecstatic to Alex. Just like Piper's orgasm that finally rushed through her and stole the air from her lungs and the strength from her muscles. The woman above slightly straightened herself, intently watching how she came, how she was swallowing a moan which made the veins in her neck stand out as her back jumped up and her head fell back. It was fucking aesthetic. If Alex had to, she would marry Piper only to see this face for the rest of her life. That was how much she loved to have sex with her, that she was even willing to spend her whole life with her although she was a giant pain in the ass. They were probably the most explosive combination that has ever existed, a thousand times more dangerous than a nuke. And in addition, they were driving each other crazy.

When the model's body slowly began to calm down and her lungs provided her with more than just small bits of oxygen, Alex removed her fingers and licked them clean, tasting Piper on her fingertips. Eventually, hazy blue eyes shot open and instantly fell on the woman above her who was already staring down at her. The rage was still visible in their both eyes but at the same time, neither of the two could hold back a mischievous grin. That peaceful moment only lasted for a second though when Alex rested her palms on the counter next to the younger woman's side, not ceasing to show her power. As her thighs were still exposed, Piper sat up but almost collided with Alex who wasn't giving her space to dress herself. Nonetheless, she reached forward, all this time piercing green eyes fixed on her and pulled up her sweatpants and underwear. After she had taken them on again, she sat up, Alex not backing away and returned her intense gaze. There were still hints of anger and hate left in them but Piper's own haven't gotten rid off them as well. Tracing her tongue over her bottom lip, the blonde gave her this innocent look that could perfectly make Alex lose her mind. Whilst they were still staring at each other, their faces only mere inches apart, Piper said, "I'm not gonna clean this up."

She was talking about the big mess Alex had made on the mosaic floor when she had pushed the plates aside to throw her on the cold kitchen counter. Slowly, the tension between them started to fade away as it always would after they would have sex. Yet, problems couldn't be just fucked away.

"It's your fault, you didn't want to listen."

Knowing precisely what Alex was talking about, Piper replied, "To what? Another one of your lies?"

"I told you, I didn't take anything."

"Then why are you acting so weird?"

"I'm not acting weird."

After their rough sex, they both seemed to be way to exhausted to start another fight. They even kept their voices calm and tried to talk without blaming each other. Again, neither of the two knew if they were just manipulating each other, using each other, distracting each other. It was a fucking maze.

"I'm just trying to get through to you, Alex. But you're always hiding something from me or lying to me."

"Says the one who always runs away."

"Because you're driving me crazy. One moment everything is fine and I actually believe that this thing between us, whatever it is, could work out but then the next moment I can see you drifting away and there's nothing I can do to get you back. I want to trust you but you're not honest with me, so stop fucking lying, Alex."

For the very first time, one of them dared to bring this _thing_ between them up. And when Piper also said that she was thinking about making this _thing_ that was nameless, yet existent work, Alex felt like she was being strangled. Not because she was afraid of commitment or a relationship, especially as she had never really experienced something like that, but because she had gotten Piper so far to consider staying with her. With _her_ , an asshole, a drug user, a snowbird, a maniac, a fuck-up. Maybe it was only her sexual high making her say such things but her blue eyes were too clear. Having her palms still next to the blonde, Alex straightened herself and eventually gave Piper some space. While Piper was sitting on the counter, the brunette was standing between her legs and could no longer hold her cerulean gaze. Readjusting her glasses, she sighed heavily and a little piece of frustration was evident in her raspy voice.

"I don't want to fuck this up, okay?! I'm really trying to focus on only you but it just keeps fucking with my mind. You're right, I'm a fucking maniac, Piper. All I can think about is snorting a nice long line or to crack my brains out. And I know that you're thinking that it's fucking stupid but I can't just flip the switch and change for you. I can't be what you want me to be. And I've never lied to you, okay? I've always been honest with you, you've known from the very beginning who I am, what I am and you knew exactly what you would get yourself into when you called me that one night to keep you company."

"Go to hell," Piper told her and shoved her away from her.

"See? You're always running away!"

At this the blonde stopped walking and turned around, meeting her emerald gaze. Taking some heavy steps towards her, Piper said to her, "What else am I supposed to do, huh? It doesn't even matter if I walk away because in the end you'd push me away anyway."

"Then listen to me instead of escaping from every conversation."

"I do, I do want to listen to you! And I want to trust you and believe you but you always somehow manage to mess everything up. It's like you're Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I don't know who this person is who's standing in front of me right now because one moment you're an actual human being and the next you're an ice-cold junkie, Alex. It's not me who changes you, I'm not doing anything. It's you! You can be more than this, you can be nice, you can be funny, you can be protective, you can be gentle. You showed me that you can! I didn't do anything. And sometimes you look at me like I'm the only thing you can see but then your eyes suddenly turn so cold and empty and I don't know what to do! I'm not your girlfriend, we're not even friends. We're just fucking and I'm fine with it. I'm not in the position to tell you what to do and what not to do. If you wanna go and get fucking stoned, then go, there's the door. I won't hold you back. But if you wanna stay and be here, with me, you can stay here. Just stop fucking with my mind, okay?! If something's wrong, then tell me what's wrong. We're not in a relationship but you can still talk to me. We don't have to, we can fuck each other instead but, god, I don't know. It's all a fucking mess, I mean, what are we, Alex?! Are we fucking? Are we having an affair? Are we something? Are we just using each other? What is this thing between us? Am I just a number to you?"

When Piper was looking at her, searching for an answer to her questions, Alex tardily realised the importance of their conversation. And although she was a rolling stone, never settling down and always living in the here and now, she wanted to give her a response. And to be honest, she herself needed a response as well. They had crossed too many lines.

Letting out a sigh, the brunette rested her glasses on top of her head and leaned with her back against the counter, looking at the shattered plates on the ground. _She had to clean this mess up._

"I, I don't know what this is Pipes. I mean, I never really think too much about anything. Or rather, I never did before you showed up. You're messing with my mind, too, you know? Every time I was with someone who wasn't you, the only thing on my mind was you-" when she saw how Piper rolled her eyes at her, she quickly pushed herself away from the counter and walked up to her, grabbing her wrists.

"Just hear me out okay? Do you know why I get high? It's not only because I like it, yes I do. But mostly I get high because I can't stop thinking about you. And no, I'm not blaming you here, kid. There are a thousand other ways to deal with something like that and I turned to the dumbest. It's just, I've never been in such a situation. I've never spent more than a night with only one woman. I never wanted that. But with you, it's different. Because you're different. And I don't wanna ruin your uniqueness but… I'm just too fucking selfish to just let you go. I like fucking you, I like it so much that I don't wanna fuck anyone else. But it's not only the sex. I, I like spending time with you. I mean, although I almost failed I did make you breakfast, do you think that I ever had breakfast or dinner with any of those other girls? You're not just a number to me. And actually, I'm kinda pissed at myself for making you even think for a second that you are. You're not like the rest, Piper. You're not a nobody. And this thing between us isn't nothing. Look, I've always been alone, I always liked being alone. It was the only time I was totally comfortable. But to be honest, now I rather argue with you than to be with someone else or be by myself. That's how much I want you but… I'm too fucking selfish to ignore what I need. The drugs, they, as fucked up as it sounds, they have become a part of me. I just like the feeling to feel nothing. And when I'm with you, I realise that feeling something isn't that bad. And that makes me lose my mind, okay? You're not the only one who doesn't know what to do… I don't know," she ended, shaking her head because she was just as lost as Piper.

For a moment, all the blonde could do was to stare at her because, although Alex was the one who could say the most hurtful things, she was also the only one who has ever said the most beautiful things to her. And knowing that she actually meant something to Alex was almost making her feel dizzy. She simply couldn't believe it. What nobody else knew nor ever saw was that the person who hated Piper the most was actually she herself. Society and people treated her like a trophy, she was only a shallow pretty girl to them. Ordinary. She might be the most popular model at the moment but that was only temporary. Some day, someone was going to replace her. And Piper would be an extinct star. But Alex made it sound like there was nothing and nobody that could ever replace her. In Alex's eyes, as red and fogged and cold they might be, she was special. So Alex has actually always been honest with her. She was the only thing Alex could see but simply not the only thing that could get under her skin. Maybe some day, Alex might need her more than her drugs.

Eventually, the blonde intertwined their fingers and was trying to hold the other woman's intense stare. Looking up at her with her bright blue eyes, she asked shyly, "Where do we go from here?"

With a sly smirk on her face, Alex let go of one of her hands and tucked some loose golden strands behind her air, running her fingers through her long locks afterwards.

"Keep things the way they were… only with more fucking and less fucking up?"

"If we fucked even more I'd end up in a wheelchair."

When the brunette chuckled deeply in response, Piper enjoyed the sound of it so much that she had to grin.

"I guess you're right, kid… what about more talking and less fucking?"

"That would probably be healthier but I really like having sex with you."

Alex hummed in response, definitely relieved that the blonde dismissed her suggestion and was thinking for a moment how to actually solve their problem of defining this _thing_ they had.

Looking at their interlaced hands, a smirk found its way on Alex's face again. Yet, she was still looking for a solution.

"Who thought that this could be so damn hard?" the raven-haired woman said and eventually returned her gaze on Piper again.

The model nodded her head in response but Alex noticed that she was giving her a slightly serious look. Then she eventually said, "I don't want to share you, Alex."

At first, Alex wanted to laugh, being amused by Piper's possessiveness but had to admit that she didn't want to share Piper as well.

"Trust me kid, you made that pretty clear last night," she told the blonde with a small smile but eventually added, "but I think I can arrange that."

"You think?" Piper asked, joining the banter Alex had started and felt a cold hand running down towards her slim waist.

"Yeah, I mean, I probably even should before you bite someone's head off for only looking at me. It would be really careless if I didn't because you'd be a danger for the complete population."

"Wow, I think this was just the smuggest thing I've ever heard you say."

"I'm just being honest with you, Pipes."

The blonde shook her head in response but couldn't suppress her smile, especially when Alex pulled her closer to her with her hand on her waist.

"Fine, no fucking-around. What else?"

"No smirking."

"What?!" Alex dramatically exclaimed but Piper kept a straight face.

"It's maddening, okay?"

"Okay, I stop smirking when you stop smiling at me."

"Are you fucking kidding?"

"No I'm not because every time you smile at me I feel like throwing up."

"Wow, I like the way you can compliment me and insult me at the same time. You should consider becoming a poet, Al."

"Maybe, I mean it's never too late, right?" the raven-haired woman asked and put her glasses on, readjusting them when they slightly slid down the bridge of her nose.

"Oh you gotta quit that, too."

"What?"

"This thing with your glasses."

"Pipes, I'm just fixing them so I can actually see."

"So what? It's not my fault you're blind like a mole."

"Okay, okay, I think this is getting out of hands," Alex stated and gave the other woman's hand a squeeze before she released it to wrap both her hands around her waist.

In return, Piper rested hers around her neck and actually no longer cared about defining anything. As long as they were together, it didn't matter what they were and what they weren't. But they couldn't get around it forever.

"So, just to make it clear, we're basically girlfriends without being actually girlfriends or even friends. I mean, you're the only one I'm seeing and I'm the only you're seeing and sure, we have a lot of sex but we can't call this an affair because we wake up together and are actually fine with it."

"Yup, that's pretty much it."

"And what do we call it?"

"Fucking with benefits?"

Before Alex could respond, she had to laugh because of Piper's suggestion and didn't know how much Piper loved making her laugh. And Piper didn't know that she was the only one who could make her laugh, like, really laugh.

"And you went to college?" the brunette asked when she eventually found some composure and earned herself a slap on her shoulder.

"Yes, and you're still the biggest smart-ass I've ever met."

This time, Alex didn't have a snarky response and solely admired the woman in front of her. And this time, she eventually vocalised her thoughts she would have every time she would look at her.

"You're really fucking beautiful, did you know that?"

"Yeah, I've been told," Piper responded and tried to shrug the seriousness of Alex's comment off.

But Alex knew her.

"And did you believe them when they said that?"

"No."

Silence surrounded them and Alex was actually in the mood to break everyone who broke Piper that much that she would feel so worthless. But Alex didn't need to break them. Because she could fix her.

"But I believe you."

Before anything could slip out of the raven-haired woman's mouth that could make Piper feel too blue, she kissed her and this time, the kiss was loving and tender, and not brutal and rough. They could never do easy. They were too fucked up individually. Yet, together they were complete. And who wanted easy? If something was easy, it wouldn't be worth it. You wouldn't fight for it, you wouldn't appreciate it, you would take it for granted. Those things that could make you struggle, that could break you, that could make you go nuts and make it hard to breathe, those were the things that made it worth living for. Because they made you feel alive. And as much as they could break each other and hurt each other, the people you hurt the most were always the ones you loved the most, even though those were the ones you shouldn't hurt at all. But if you really deeply cared about someone, you would get mad at them, you would hate them from time to time, you would want to chop their head off because, if you didn't, they would mean nothing to you. Love and hate weren't different. They were the same coin, only different sides. If you could hate, you could love. And as much as Piper hated Alex, and Alex hated Piper, they would love each other even more, if they didn't already.


	16. Stoned

_Chapter 16: Stoned_

 _Talk to me baby  
_ _Tell me what you're feeling  
_ _You say you don't need to go  
_ _Don't you pretend you didn't know  
_ _How all of this would end up  
_ _Girl I saw it in your eyes  
_ _And baby I can read your mind  
_ _And expectations were not in sight_

"I just think that they're totally overrated," she stated, lifting the fork to her mouth to take another bite of her thai noodles.

Sitting cross-legged on her Italian couch, she eventually glanced at the woman next to her when she got no response. Alex was staring at the big tv screen but the blonde knew that she wasn't watching the movie that was on. After they had cleaned the kitchen and removed the mess from their excessive hate-fucking and the two women made themselves comfortable on the big couch in the model's living room, Piper has been ignoring all of her birthday calls and the outside in general. Her life was taking place within the walls of her apartment and all she took in was the black-haired presence in it. So long as Alex was actually present. Based on her sudden reticence Piper should have been used to by now, she couldn't really tell where Alex went again. Still looking at her and admiring her profile at the same time, she slightly leaned forward in her direction and said softly, "Earth to Vause."

"Hm?" the brunette eventually spoke up even though it wasn't a full sentence.

"Did you hear anything I said?"

"Hm? Oh yeah, avocados… they're overrated."

Squinting her eyes as Piper wondered if Alex was truly paying attention to her, she explained, "Yeah, it's a plague, they're everywhere."

"Mhm."

One more question and the blonde would find out if she was really listening.

"Wanna have sex?"

"You're right, it's out of control."

Well, obviously, she wasn't.

"Wow," she muttered under her breath because, even though she hated it every time Alex would fade away from her, she was still curious to know what kind of thoughts were that strong to drag her this far away.

She didn't have the mind of a drug-addict but that look on the brunette's face was telling Piper that the drugs weren't trapping her this time. It was something else and unlike Alex who could read the model easier than one of her books and had such piercing eyes that she could look right through her, Piper was always close to having a headache when it came to figuring out what was going on behind Alex's facade. That was another thing that could drive Piper insane. Alex was a puzzle and a maze and every time the blonde thought she found the missing piece to complete it or took the right path to get closer to her, a new mystery was thrown right into her face and proved her wrong. She wondered how many layers she had to pull off until she would find her naked soul. As much as she loved Alex's naked body, she wasn't sure how much longer she could bear to only touch her skin. Even the fact that the raven-haired woman was a maniac and had thoughts that could destroy other people's sanity wasn't able to scare Piper away. In fact, Alex's dazedness pulled Piper in, she wasn't afraid of it, she wasn't afraid of her. Those hands that had broken many noses and bones could never turn into fists around Piper. And knowing how Alex was treating everyone else, the blonde knew that she was her only exception.

"Did you say anything?" the black-haired woman suddenly asked her after so much time and thoughts have passed that Piper had to ask herself the same question.

Although it was Alex who had spoken up first, Piper could tell that her thoughts were occupying her. Her emerald eyes were still fixed on the spot next to the screen and the golden-haired woman eventually said, "Yeah, no… I've just been wondering when the wall behind my TV's gonna come alive."

Finally, she slightly got her back.

With knitted brows, Alex glanced at her and asked, "What?"

"You've been staring at it for so long, it's probably just a matter of time."

"It's a nice wall."

Or rather, she almost got her back.

This beautiful pair of green eyes returned on the 'nice wall' and with them Alex's mind returned to her thoughts. Piper kept watching her though and realised that, unlike her own box of food that was empty, Alex's was full and looked like she hadn't even touched it once. They had ordered their food about half an hour ago and all the taller woman has been doing ever since was holding it in her hands. It was already late in the afternoon and Alex hasn't eaten anything so far. Sure, they had gotten out of bed very late as they had spent the whole morning and even half of the noon in the model's bedroom but everyone had to eat something at some point. Piper just wished that some day she might finally break through to her and solve the big mystery that was Alex Vause. But right now, it didn't look like this day would ever come. Nevertheless, Piper wanted to spend time _with_ her, and not only next to her.

"I thought you liked thai food," she eventually said and placed her empty box on top of the coffee table before her sapphire blue eyes had the raven-haired woman in their sight again.

"Yeah yeah, I do."

"So I guess you like it too much to actually eat it?"

"What?" Alex said and looked at the box in her hands, probably for the very first time.

Finally, her jade-green gaze fell on her and she actually saw the blonde who was giving her a knowing look before softness painted her sapphire blue eyes. Piper pierced her long enough until she found the smallest window to get past her porcelain facade and inside of her maze. Although she knew that it would be hopeless to get out of it again, she rather wanted to get lost in it than to lose her. To make sure that Alex would hold her gaze, Piper inched closer to her and said with sincerity in her eyes and voice, "Al, you have to eat something."

How much she enjoyed to hear Piper calling her Al. Or an asshole. Actually, she could call her everything, Alex didn't care if it would be _baby_ or _freak_ , if she would use lovely names or curse words. It didn't matter to the brunette. It wasn't healthy to be thinking like this, damn, it was fucking far away from healthy but this complete Alex-Piper combination wasn't healthy. They were a match made in hell. The devil's masterpiece. Doomed to be together. No one would ever be fully convinced that they were good for each other. No one would ever fully understand why they were together. No one would ever doubt that they would drive each other into their graves someday. It was simply because, even if they were never going to realise that they would love each other, they would hate each other enough to not break apart. Instead of breaking apart, they would break each other, sometimes only to lift each other up again. Fucking crazy. They couldn't do with each other but they sure as hell couldn't do without each other. That strong was their bond, and neither of the two could ever tell if it was a blessing or a curse.

 _The drugs are only good to you until you realise how bad they actually are._

 _But that moment of realisation is never meant to come because you can't stay away from them long enough to embrace it._

 _Instead, you embrace your fictional happiness._

God, they were so high on each other that they were too faded to see what they were doing to each other. It didn't make sense. Who in the world had ever decided to put these two together. Maybe the world had been in need of something perfectly imperfect, in need of something that was perfectly messed up, in need of something that was from another world. And, in case it had been, it definitely got more than it had asked for. Or maybe God and Satan were actually real and were just playing wicked games as well. Anyway, it didn't matter because the worst thing of all was that neither Alex nor Piper cared. They weren't numb to the pain they were feeding each other with, they weren't oblivious to the bullets they were shooting at each other, they weren't unaware of the way they were tearing each other apart. They simply didn't care, not even in the slightest. Not even a single fuck. Desperate? Needy? Dysfunctional? Disastrous? Hopeless? Pointless? Ugly? Shallow? Nightmarish? Cruel? Destructive? Unhealthy? Were those the words that could describe this whatever thing? Probably. Or was love not just pulp fiction? And if it wasn't, was is the most selfish thing in the whole world?

Alex needed Piper to prove to herself that she wasn't dehumanized.

Piper needed Alex to prove to herself that she wasn't hollow.

Piper taught Alex how to feel and in return Alex filled Piper's trivial hole.

Sometimes, Alex was bored of her drugs. She needed something new, something she hadn't used before. And then she had found Piper and had started to use her.

Sometimes, Piper was bored of her surroundings. She needed something foreign, something she hadn't seen before. And then she had found Alex and had started to feel special.

 _Was that love?_

"I know but I wanna eat something else."

And then she put the full box away and leaned forward to bring her words to life. With her intimidating exterior hovering over her, Piper could do nothing but obey and fell flat on her back on top of the couch. The brunette's hands were next to the model's shoulders, holding her weight as she leaned down and branded Piper's jawline with open-mouthed kisses.

Alex was avoiding her issues. And used Piper to distract her and herself.

 _Was that love?_

"Alex."

The woman on top of her didn't listen though, her mouth still consuming Piper's skin.

"Al, I'm serious."

"So am I," the black-haired woman breathed against her temple and one of her cold hands began to explore the curves of the younger woman's toned stomach underneath the fabric of her sweater.

"I'm worried about you."

"Don't be."

 _Don't have feelings for me._

Wrapping her tender hands around the brunette's neck, her palms were suddenly soaked and catching fire at the same time. Her worries instantly became immensely louder, loud enough for her to speak up between the other woman's silencing kisses.

"Alex, you're literally burning."

Not willing to let any thoughts separate them and to block out reality, Alex acted as if she had been deaf and pushed the woman under her deeper into the surface of the couch. She wanted to be numb, she didn't want to feel, she didn't want to think. There were already too many dreadful voices inside of her brain and too much agony running through her veins. And for such a mind and such pain she had a pair of lungs and two nostrils to kill them. But right now, neither bittersweet smoke filled her lungs nor crumbled snowflakes rushed through her nose right into her brain. And of course she was drowning. Drowning in her cold sweat, sinking into her withdrawal, falling into her dark slump. That was why she had to hump Piper to get over this coming hump. She wasn't familiar with people reaching out to her to help her, she didn't really know what it was like to have someone being there for her. Sure, she had her love-full mother who loved her more than her own life. But sometimes Alex would be so ashamed that the truth was impossible to ignore. Her mother loved her that much because she was her mother. It was like doing your job, she had given birth to her, she had raised her, of course she had to love her. Unlike Piper who had grown up in a big house that had been colder than the nights for Alex in winter when the accounts had been overdue, the raven-haired couldn't imagine that it actually wasn't self-evident to have caring and loving parents. Maybe that thought has never crossed her mind because it would freeze her bones because, if even your own parents couldn't be able to love you for who you are, who else could? So far, only Alex's mother could fully love her for who she was, even in her darkest times. But simply because she had to. It made no difference though because Alex loved her mother. And every time she thought about her, shame rushed through her. Because, as much as her mother has done for her, as much as her mother loved her, Alex could never love her more than herself. The drugs, damn, they were the best thing about her. And the worst. Yet, it was the best feeling to be numb at one's own request. Thoughts could kill her, feelings could kill her, the world could kill her and that numbness was atrocious. But this numbness that spread inside of her when she killed them, fuck, that numbness was an ecstasy, a perfect dream. And in this moment, she was caught in a nightmare although the woman beneath her looked like an angel. Angels were sent to help someone, to rescue someone but Alex didn't need saving. She wasn't addicted.

She wasn't.

She-

She was fascinated by them because they made her feel so good, feeling nothing was the best fucking feeling.

She simply needed them to get that feeling of _feelinglessness._

She was the one who used them and not the other way around.

They weren't using her.

Drugs were two-faced demons.

Those people didn't walk in her shoes, they didn't see that seraphic face. And Alex didn't see that demonic face those other people saw.

Maybe those demons possessed her… sometimes.

But they haven't become her…

Have they?

She didn't need help. So why was Piper talking? Why was concern in her voice? What was Piper trying?

Disconnecting their mouths for a split second, the raven-haired woman casually stated, "I know because I'm hot," and didn't waste another moment to shut Piper up again.

Why should words change the way she was feeling inside? To be honest, she was pretty much falling apart. She could feel how she was getting ripped to pieces as if her body was mad at her for not getting what it needed. A line. A pipe. A pill.

 _A shot._

Only that thought sent a shiver down her spine that rushed like a lightning through her bones at the same time. For a moment, she was transfixed with it and turned into stone. Those manias of numbness and overdose of feelings got her really fucked up, the flip was jumping back and forth. She hardly noticed how the woman under her managed to use her paralysis to put a physical distance between them to get emotionally closer to her. Piper ran her thumb tenderly over her snow-white cheek before she quickly lowered her hands to rest them on her shoulders, eventually pushing her steadily yet gently away. As Alex was still stuck in her delirium, the model sat up so that they were face to face and reached out for her, hoping internally that she could break through this thick haze and cupped her cold cheeks that were covered in sweat nevertheless. Her worries drove her and made her thumbs brushing over this burning skin whilst she was looking for the green in Alex's eyes.

Why couldn't Alex see how those things were ruining her?

She couldn't understand it, she couldn't understand her.

Because she wasn't her, she didn't see what Alex has seen, she didn't have those thoughts Alex had, she didn't know what it was like to be her. They were both a mess. But different ones.

She wanted to be there for her though.

Even if she would never understand it, she wanted to understand Alex.

When Alex couldn't see what was happening to her, Piper could do nothing but make her see.

And this time, it wasn't because she didn't want Alex to leave her for her drugs and be forsaken because she would escape into her private world. She wanted Alex to be free because her private world was as much of a prison as the real world. The only difference was that Alex wouldn't be alone in the real world. And if someone knew how much it sucked to be alone and to be incapable of holding it in, it was Piper. She wanted to help Alex. She wanted to be there for Alex for her own sake. She couldn't just watch and let her slip into her misery.

 _Was that love?_

Running her slender fingers as if they were a cure through black waves, her cerulean eyes still searched for her while she said, "Hey, hey, Alex, listen to me. I'm here, I'm here."

She didn't really know how many times she had to repeat her words or how long she had to stare at her until something finally found a way to grab the raven-haired woman to pull her back.

When emerald eyes crossed her gaze and actually settled on her, Piper licked her lips because she was thinking about the things she was going to say but couldn't think of the right words. She had her, she had to be careful not to lose her again. Losing Alex was easy, getting her back not so. Alex's eyes were again so icy and empty, totally lifeless. If Piper couldn't feel Alex's heart thumping wildly through her whole body, the blonde would think that she was holding a dead body.

Maybe the key to Alex was to slip into her shoes and, although Piper definitely knew what the woman in front was desperately craving for, she asked nonetheless, "What do you need? I'm here. What do you want me to do? Tell me, whatever it is, I'll do it. Just… please, stay with me."

Piper didn't know how someone could be so obsessed with something that you would be aching for it so bad that even your own body would be completely in pain. Yet, she did know that there were different kinds of drug use. Some people occasionally smoked a blunt to calm down and just chill. Others needed a little push to have a good time. And then, there was the most dangerous kind of drug use. When people use because they have to. Alex believed that she needed something to deal with her struggles the world was constantly throwing at her and therefore deleted her mind to avoid everything. And although Piper wouldn't doubt that Alex has been through a lot of shit and couldn't handle her loneliness nor her emptiness and was definitely thrilled with feeling nothing, she could tell by the look on Alex's face that, even if her life would be perfect and a wonderful paradise, she would still get high. Because she would have to. So, in the end, it wouldn't even matter if Alex was having issues or a perfect day. By the end of the day, she would still pop something. And that was why the raven-haired woman was addicted. Even if she would run out of reasons, she would still go down in her drugs because they got her high. That realisation didn't make it easier for Piper to understand why Alex was so oblivious to it. As Alex once had told her, it made sense to her why she was using but it didn't make sense to Piper and she hoped that it never would. And now she eventually fully understood what she had meant. Yet, in Piper's eyes it looked like Alex was believing that she had no other choice, that she only knew one way to cope with everything or rather, to not cope with anything. Even if Alex was never going to quit, the model thought that Alex should at least have a chance to pick. Alex was a control freak. Shouldn't she be able to control the only thing that controlled her?

Although she hasn't come up with the perfect plan to teach her how to control it yet, she was too determined to find it and wouldn't give up. Still, Alex had to let her help her. If she didn't corporate, even the perfect plan would be in vain. _But how do you make an addict see the things they are blocking out?_

Ice-blue eyes pierced her so hard that Piper thought she would freeze any moment. But she didn't care. She was already too deep in this maze, there was no way out for her anymore. If Alex was going to drown, she was going to drown with her. Maybe it was some kind of soulmate thing, their souls were intertwined and conflated into one. Not long ago, they had been soulless soulmates and the only thing they had intertwined with each other had been their bodies. But things changed, people changed and feelings changed just like the world kept spinning. And if Alex hadn't been too lifeless and Piper not too shallow back then, they would have known how this would end up. It was fucking inevitable. And then there was the fact they couldn't escape each other. No matter how far Piper would run away, Alex would follow her. And no matter how deep Alex would be in her zone, Piper would still haunt her. Their love was sheer insanity. And the worst thing of all, they didn't give a fuck.

And it nearly broke her when she heard the other woman mumble desperately, "Please… give up."

Alex was strong, she had the body of a fighter and a lion heart. And seeing her this helpless and lost and so beaten was foreign. Fuck for however long they've known each other. Time didn't matter nor existed when they were together. Piper didn't know Alex long enough but she knew her well enough to be sure that this woman in front of her was facing her kryptonite. Withdrawal. It knocked her out and killed her so slowly and painfully, spreading from her insides. Piper has never seen someone being so distraught. And she had a mother that was ignoring the fact that her husband was cheating on her anytime he could and who let this bottled-up anger out on her.

Alex gave up, and so should Piper. She shouldn't sink with her. But this soulmate-thing had fucked them up pretty bad. If Alex went down, Piper would, too.

"Fuck no. Alex, you're not alone in this. Tell me what to do, I'll do it, just talk to me," the blonde eventually clarified, clinging onto Alex even tighter as she was too afraid to lose her.

In her hands, she was holding a cold, sweating, pale and lost mess and yet, she wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Was it because Alex was the only one who could make her feel special? If she lost Alex, she would lose herself, too. Alex was building her up and if she disappeared suddenly, Piper would fall apart and turn into nothing again. Welcome back status quo. Alex was the one who made her this selfish though. If she wasn't so _good_ for her, it would be easier for her to let her go.

Blank eyes owned her sky-blue eyes and just when the silence seemed to have become infinite, Alex broke it and broke, too.

"Please, let me… just one line… please, I'm begging you. Let me."

For a moment, Piper forgot all languages. Alex had said something and Piper had heard it but those words, she hadn't understood them. Alex had asked _her_ for _her_ permission. To get her white line. She wanted Piper to let her do. She needed Piper to let her. And as much as she scorned drugs, she felt nothing but empathy in her blood. It was like a starved out strayer ran up to her and was asking her for food. It was like Alex was dying if she wasn't going to get what she desired. What was she supposed to d? Watch her die?

"Please Piper, kick me out, hit me, hate me. Just let me."

Her lifeless eyes grew wider and so did the ice in them. And maybe Piper needed to see all of this, had to witness with her very own eyes which state Alex was truly in. She hadn't thought what kind of never-ending nightmare the raven-haired woman was caught in. A never-ending nightmare that was her dream, her paradise.

She had asked Alex what she was supposed to do, what she could do to make her feel better. And if that was it, she had no other choice, did she? It was no secret that she was more than swamped. Alex's addiction affected them both and could come over them like a tsunami. Piper wanted to be her anchor although they would both sink to the bottom. As much as it hurt her, the golden-haired woman reached into the pocket of her sweater, the place Alex had told her to store it in case Piper still wouldn't fully trust her. Although she was probably just making things up, the powder in the bag stung her palm. Alex's eyes were ice, and so were her veins when Piper had handed her the toxic snow and had let Alex do. What else could she do?

 _Cause we both wanted to do this  
But I could tell that you were scared  
_ _Cause you thought there was more to us  
_ _But you knew how this would end  
_ _It's gonna end how you expected girl you're such a masochist_

 _And I ask why…_

* * *

It was such an electric feeling, it almost expired her shame. Almost. That was why she preferred doing it alone or in the company of people who were as fucked up as her. When Alex was fucked up, that was the real her. And she eventually showed Piper that. Piper who was crazy enough and apparently even crazier than her because she stayed with her. Her blue gaze hadn't left her when she had gotten on her knees and leaned over the table and over her snow-white vulnerability. She hadn't left her side when she had gotten so faded and had begun to fade away. Piper had lead her to her bed and laid her gently down. And even when Alex had started to expire, Piper had stayed right next to her. Although Alex was gone, deep in her zone, out of reach, she followed her into her big bed and was now lying next to her, watching her and waiting for her to come back. Right now, the brunette was full of life and no longer a dead body. That high was rushing through her like a cardiopulmonary resuscitation. Her senses were awake and so was her heart. It was beating like a machine gun, no longer because it had to violently ask for what it had run out of but because that thing finally filled it. Being alive was suddenly pleasant. Being in _that_ world was pleasant. She had gotten herself high but the price for it was a shot right into her heart. Alex lifted herself up and let Piper down. Those demons yet again had managed to abduct Alex into that pseudo-heaven. They fucking did it again. But that euphoria that was rushing excessively through her took all her abilities to feel horrible. They fulfilled their purpose as they usually would. That was her high. Yet, that high would only last for less than an hour unless Alex would continue it by adding another line.

Now her world was a collection of dreams and colours, she had cut herself loose and was floating through her Shangri-La, an Utopia that was the greatest delusion her mind could create. Although coke hadn't been the perfect option for her state because instead of immobilising her, it was providing her with a profusion of life but this life was good. And unfortunately, fictional. All good things had to come to an end. They were all only temporary which was why Alex was so convinced that it was always a matter of time until she and Piper would destroy each other. It was like a high would make them believe that they could do easy every time they weren't fighting. And that drug that got them that high was sex. It was their patch and it was stronger than any bond could be. Still, at some point, that high would wear off which was why Alex had to retaliate as soon as she would sink again. And yet she believed that she wasn't addicted.

Lying on her back with wide pupils staring at the beautiful night sky that was actually covered in thunderstorm clouds, she was stuck in her paralysis and didn't know where to put this overdose of sparkling emotions. Actually, she wanted to move and convey this mania to her limbs. This cocaine was bubbling inside of her and it felt amazing. Of course it wasn't real, none of those things she was seeing and feeling were but that was the point. All those fake thoughts and emotions drove the real world and reality away. And to her own surprise, it didn't drive the woman next to her away.

That was why she had to say, "You don't have to do this."

Of course Piper knew what the brunette meant but ignored her words and asked, "Are you feeling better?"

Although she had let Alex go, it was a better option than to lose her. Alex's face was stoned, just like her beautiful eyes that were blood-stained. Piper had let Alex into her zone, this private world that she had no access to. Maybe selfish things weren't the only things the raven-haired woman could make Piper do. Alex painfully needed it and even though it dragged her away from her, Piper had watered the ocean between them and was now watching the woman next to her from the shore of another continent. Yet, it seemed that some things could overcome that dark sea and could reach her.

"Why are you doing this? You don't have to do this… why are you staying with me?"

 _Because she was too selfish and couldn't lose her._

Her reply stayed inside of her mind though and didn't turn into words. Instead, she remained on her side, her gaze fixed on Alex and just said, "You should rest."

For some inexplicable reason, the model had to think about her parents, especially about her mother. Her birthday was today and they haven't attempted to contact her. It wasn't that they forgot about her. They precisely knew that they had a daughter, only one daughter and yet acted like their children were only two sons. When she had been a little girl, she had been jealous of her brothers. But at some point she had realised that it wasn't their fault that their parents loved them and only them. Piper simply wasn't lovable. And now she was in a bed with a woman that loved heroin and coke so much that she would die without them. People could even love such destructive things. But not Piper. And in some twisted way, she was drugged as well. Drugged by her pain that was coming over her and killed her. She was numb, too.

Softly and barely audible, weak and broken like a whisper and yet more hauntingly than a bullet, the black-haired woman suddenly muttered, "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, Pipes."

And all Piper could reply was, "I know," before her eyelids were almost as heavy as her heart that she had to close them and her heart, too.

 _… and you reply_

 _I like the thrill  
_ _Nothing's gonna make me feel this real  
_ _So baby don't go home  
_ _I don't wanna spend tonight alone  
_ _Baby please  
_ _Would you end your night with me  
_ _Don't you leave me all behind  
_ _Don't you leave my little life  
_ _Don't you leave my little lie_

* * *

Her shattered apology was still sounding in Piper's apartment that was again too big for her when she woke up and was looking at nothing but a blank wall. As if it was a reflex, she reached out and checked if the empty half of her bed was still warm. Alex must have left her not too long ago she realised and instantly didn't want to get out of her bed. This day was going to be awful so why should she even bother getting up. Alex had broken her promise and proved yet again that you couldn't trust a junkie. She wasn't blaming her though. Alex needed help but as long as she wouldn't see that she was a junkie, she wouldn't accept any help.

Yesterday was instantly flashing in front of her eyes and its memories caffeinated Piper harder than coffee. So many things had happened and they couldn't have been less predictable. The last thing that eventually settled in her mind was the last pieces of her birthday. She had been so desperate and lost that she had let Alex do drugs. She had paid a price she hadn't thought she could be willing to pay. Yet, it was in vain. The drugs yet again had won her over and had scattered in the brunette's veins and left no space for Piper. And as much as she wanted to believe it, it wasn't Alex's fault. How much she hated it, and her as well. For different reasons though. All Piper wanted was to help her and to be there for her. But Alex was too blinded by her fake happiness. Apparently, love was blind. The black-haired woman was so in love with them that she didn't notice how they were killing her. And Piper didn't know what to do. The first thing on her mind when she had woken up was Alex. And when she had opened her eyes she was immediately missing her. And when her mind recovered from her sleep and began to work she hated her. Because Alex showed her for the hundredth time that no matter what she would do, Piper would still need her. It was unfair. Piper was ruining herself trying to be hers. But how was she supposed to win when her rival was literally addictive and worth dying for. Somehow, she wanted to be mad at Alex, angry with her, hate her more than she already did. Nonetheless, all her efforts failed.

Things change, people change, feelings change.

And she never would have thought that the circumstances would change her, too.

Drugs have always been not only a thorn in her side but in her flesh as well. Although she never made a secret out of it, especially not in front of Alex, she had given her what she'd needed last night. She had handed her that toxic cure to help her because it was her only cure. There had been no other opportunities for her. Her only intention had been to keep Alex although she would be somewhere far away. And nevertheless, Alex left her. This realisation was creating this familiar numbness inside of her that was usually caused by the pain she was still learning to live with. She was such a masochist. Simply because Alex was the only one for her. She was the only one who mistreated her and still treated her right. She was the only one who saw her differently and could look through her. And on top of all, she was the only who could make her feel special. That was why Piper needed her.

Love was blind.

Love was selfish.

Love was lethal.

Love was addictive.

She spent the rest of the day working out and although her body was exhausted and her limbs and muscles were probably sore when she went to bed, her mind wasn't tired enough. Alex was still running on it.

 _Must be love on the brain_

* * *

It's been 26 dark nights, a shitload of grams and a painfully lot of yearning when the two finally met again. Alex had needed time to adapt to her shame and Piper had had enough time to adapt to the shallow world again. And yet, they still needed each other and even worse, they didn't know who needed the other more. After her birthday weekend that she wouldn't forget so easily, she had returned to the model life and had taken every single job she had been offered. Within not only a whole month, she's been to nine different states and even spent a weekend in Brazil for a photoshoot. And tonight, she was going to open a fashion show in Manhattan. People would look at her as if she was a perfect doll and they would want to spend a night with just so they wouldn't have to lie when they would say that they slept with the gorgeous Piper Chapman. Actually, Piper could just quit. She had made enough money a long time ago, more money than she could ever spend. But this industry owned her like a puppet on a string, like the way heroin owned Alex. Piper was simply too professional. When she would walk down this runway, she would drain all the soul from her eyes and would put on the persona who all those eyes would want her to be. She would be there physically but emotionally, she would be absent. Actually, she's been emotionally absent for 26 days now. She hadn't even been happy when the contract between Tyler and her had finally come to an end and they officially 'had broken up'. Her pain had a paralysing effect on her.

When she took the first few steps and walked right into the ocean of shallow eyes, she wasn't aware of the only pair that was seeing her as the person she truly way and were clear enough to look through her. Everything went perfectly as it always did every time the professional Piper appeared. She changed into her other clothes in time and conquered the audience with her grace. Perfection was the name of the game in this industry. There was no space for chaos and disorder and messes and Alexs. At least, that was how it used to be. Lately, it seemed that her life was full of Alex. Her mind, her apartment, her nights, her entire being. If she hadn't been such a professional, she would have lost her job the second the black-haired woman had shown up. Alex had messed her up that bad. And if she cared, she would stay away from her.

Again, her mind was overdosing on that black-haired woman that Piper nearly jumped out of her seat when she saw a figure in the mirror. It was Shayla, or Stella or whatever her name was because they were all just models and replaceable like Piper. As the other model who was standing behind her saw that the blonde was startled, she said with a grin, "Sorry, I thought you saw me."

Piper returned that fake smile to her fake friend and continued taking her earrings off, not bothering herself to know what the other girl wanted from her. Although it was easy getting jealous of someone who was more successful or prettier in such a superficial world, most girls rather aspired to be like Piper instead of taking her place. Yet, the only reason they acted like they cared about her was because they wanted to be her friend, so they could become like her. None of them knew anything about the blonde, only those things everyone else did and which were wrong. They knew the professional Piper the whole world knew. But there was only person on this planet that knew the real her.

When the golden-haired woman noticed that the other woman still hasn't disappeared, she met her gaze in the reflection and waited for her to speak up. In addition, she raised her brows and dropped the clue the other girl needed.

"We decided to go clubbing, you can come with us if you want to."

Actually, Piper wasn't in the mood to do anything. But the more she considered going, she realised that it might not be such a bad idea. There had to be some way to distract herself from that particular black-haired woman.

Letting some expressions spread over her face, Piper sweetly smiled at her and eventually answered, "Sure, sounds good."

Her fake friend smiled even bigger at her and let her know that they would be meeting outside of the building in 15 minutes. Piper nodded her head in response and looked into the mirror to watch the other woman walking away. For a moment, she shut her eyes and leaned back into her chair, enjoying the stillness and finding some sense of well-being in it. Maybe this was going to be the last night of her Alex-centred life. What a beautiful illusion. It was nearly as beautiful as the silhouette that was in the mirror when the model's sapphire-blue eyes opened again. Before she could make it out though, she heard a security-man yell, "Miss, you can't be here. I need you to leave, now!" and who appeared in the mirror as well.

Everywhere _she_ would show up, _she_ would make a big mess of everything.

As if she had no control over herself, her mouth was faster than her mind and said, "It's fine. _She belongs to me._ "

And it was not even a lie. _She_ literally belonged to her. There was really no part inside of her that _she_ didn't possess.

Although only her presence was enough to let Piper feel her hold on her, the model restrained herself. It was like she forgot putting her soul back in after she had turned her back on the runway. It was still missing. And Alex could literally feel how distant she was. They were back at the start again in the state of being soulless soulmates and heartless lovers. Or at least, Piper apparently has regressed to that shape. And Alex has known it all along. She would fuck Piper up. She perfectly ruined her which was why the blonde was this lifeless again. For her own sake, she had ignored her own poison and needed Piper too much which disabled her power to let her go. Their wicked games were on again and the model seemed to have stepped up her game. The way she was staring at the brunette's reflection with ice-cold eyes turned the whole room into the Arctic. And the worst thing of all was that Alex could see that she wasn't angry or furious. No, the worst thing of all was that Piper was so broken that she no longer cared. Her pain had evoked her obsessional carelessness.

When they were left alone, the raven-haired woman fixed her glasses and approached the other woman who was busy taking her jewellery off. She didn't get too close though and came to a halt when there was a firm distance between them. Piper who was still removing her things from the fashion show didn't bother turning around and was with her back to Alex and her eyes were on her own reflection when she stated, "I don't have much time."

To be honest, Alex would prefer if she would have yelled at her. This apathy Piper was displaying was deadly. Her wings were broken, and even the devil used to be angel. And it was the brunette's fault that she wasn't anymore. Piper was another one of her victims and had fallen prey to her toxic love.

"It's good to see you," Alex eventually told her and knew that it was fucking lame but she was struggling to find the right words to break the ice and walls between them.

It was in vain though, Piper has already turned into ice.

When the blonde remained silent and was still sparing Alex with her unyielding gaze, the taller woman ran a hand through her jet-black hair as she felt how she was running out of words and out of time. It was always so easy for her to read Piper but now it was like she was written in hieroglyphs.

As if she had been glued to the spot and stuck in her search for the right things to say, Piper was already finished taking off her things and got up from her chair to change into her clothes. Before she walked past the brunette, she coolly asked,"Why are you here?"

It was so nonchalant and emotionless that Alex actually wanted Piper to be pissed at her. She didn't only have every reason to be but would also prove to Alex that she still cared. Hate was a feeling, too. And if Piper hated Alex, the raven-haired woman would know that she still cared about her. But the model's lifelessness and feelinglessness were too real to be only simulated. They were so real that they got under Alex's skin and spread inside of her bones. Piper's elusiveness infected her and stained her blood black.

When the golden-haired was standing in front of her wardrobe, Alex turned around in an instant and let her gaze linger on Piper again. She decided to cut to the chase and explained, "I'm sorry. I didn't want you to see me like this which is also why I left… I thought it was the only right thing I could do."

"Never mind, it's fine."

Alex would kiss the fuck out of her if she had slapped her instead of giving such an answer. Actually, she would even pay money to make her beat and kick her. She has always been lifeless but this was scary, this was chilling Alex to the bones. Everything was gone, there was nothing inside of her anymore. No more passion, no more temper, no more life. Her heart was only meant to do its job and supply her body with its needs. It was a machine and beating solely to keep her alive.

Staring at the blonde, Alex saw how she gathered her clothes and said before she would face her, "Piper," and couldn't suppress that scoff that escaped her. She said her name but she couldn't tell who that person was that was standing in front of her.

"Are you okay?"

What a fucking unnecessary question because Alex already knew that answer but she had to ask her nevertheless.

Cerulean eyes fell on her for a split second and the brunette could see that Piper was still somewhere inside of them. But before she could find her they were interrupted by a knock on the door. Although Piper didn't speak up, the person on the other side of the door opened it slightly and said, "Hey are you ready?"

When she saw that Piper wasn't alone she quickly added, "Oh sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you two. I just wanted to let you know that we're leaving."

"I'm coming," the blonde informed her with a small smile and when the door closed again, she turned to Alex and said to her, "Don't worry about it, okay? I'll give you a call," and gave her a peck on the corner of her mouth before she walked away and left her alone in the room with her roaring thoughts.

 _What have I done?_

* * *

"You should really talk to her, Alex."

"I know… she's still pissed at me, isn't she?"

"Let's just say that she talks about you, a lot. And sometimes she doesn't call you a giant, selfish, bombastic asshole that is only tall because that assholeness takes up so much space. Sometimes she just says that you're a cocky giraffe."

"That's kinda nice, I guess…"

"I know neither of you two would admit it because you both really suck at displaying emotions but she misses you… she wants her best friend back, Alex."

"To be honest, I miss her making fun of me… I'm not as good at it as she is."

"She's truly one of a kind."

"Yeah… and hopefully stupid enough to forgive me."

"Don't say that, you know Nicky. Once she cares about someone, she'll never stop caring about that person."

"You didn't see her face the last time we saw each other. I know she wanted to blow my brains out."

"Because she cares about you. You should've been worried if she hadn't wanted to strangle you."

Those words never made more sense to Alex. After this day, this truth was the number one lesson she had learned. Although she had meant to blow her brains out to erase Piper's apathy, she had gotten interrupted by a phone call. Maybe she should start fixing more and stop breaking everything around her. So she had answered Lorna's call and has been talking with her now for over an hour now. She liked Lorna. She was one of the few people who actually could make things easy and her perpetual neutrality was probably the best thing about her. Alex was sure- even if she told her that she would have killed someone, Lorna wouldn't judge her. That was why she was so happy that Nicky had someone like her. Her (former) best friend has been through a lot, maybe through even more than Alex who was nonetheless adding hellfire to Nicky's life. That was why she's been so distant to everyone and should have been distant to Piper as well. Yet, maybe some people needed some cruelty in their life. It wasn't like the world was already cruel enough.

"You're too good, Lorna. Did you know that?"

"Have you been growing soft ever since Nicky and you stopped sassing each other?"

"Why do people always feel the need to make fun of me when I'm trying to be nice for once?"

"Maybe because you're a cocky giraffe?"

"You might have a point, Morello."

"So you're gonna talk to her?"

The difference between Nicky and Piper was that, although they both were grown up women, Alex could certainly say that only Nicky was old enough to look after herself. It wasn't that she believed that Piper was immature or naive or a little girl. They were just living in a cruel world and Alex wanted and had the urge to look after, for her. There was a special protectiveness that got the better of her when it came to the blonde. Alex just wanted the best for her, although she knew that she would never be the best for her.

Letting out a sigh, Alex answered, "I'll pay her a visit soon… but it'll be your fault when I'll end up in a hospital."

"I never said it out loud but you're a real drama queen, Alex."

"Just don't say I didn't warn you."

"Yeah, yeah… you know you can talk to me whenever something's up, right?"

"I know."

Before the woman on the other end of the line could speak up though, Alex's mobile let her know that she was getting a call from someone else. Frowning, she got up from her couch and told her short friend, "Hey, uh, I've got an incoming call… you'll hear from me, alright?"

"Just talk to Nicky, please."

"I promise."

The call ended and made space for the next one. It was almost like the universe didn't want her to be alone so she could get stoned. Without checking the caller ID, she answered it and said, "Yeah, hello?"

It took a few seconds for the caller to speak up but when that person eventually did, Alex was sure that someone might have confused her with someone else.

"Hey, uh, this is Jodie."

As she has never heard that woman's voice before, she knitted her brows and tried to recall a night that she might have spent with a woman called Jodie. Before she would realise that her search would be in vain, the other woman explained, "Oh sorry, you don't know me but you know the person whose phone this is. I'm a friend of Piper's, she's a bit drunk… I think she needs a ride home."

"And why did you call me?"

The other woman giggled a bit, she was obviously tipsy, too, before she explained, "You were the first person in her contact list… and your name was AAA. I just wanted to know who AAA is."

God, Piper would never stop giving her a headache.

"Where are you?" the brunette asked, acting as if she hadn't heard any of those things the other girl had said.

"1 Oak."

Where else would those trendy pretty girl spend their nights?

Without giving the woman an answer, that protectiveness Piper evoked in her had already dragged her out of her apartment and into her car.

* * *

Piper wasn't only a bit drunk. When Alex had finally arrived at the club and used her name to get into it, the blonde was dancing so sexily that she was the centre of everyone's attention. Everybody was watching her but, as if she could sense her presence, she was looking only at Alex when she spotted her. But this time, her eyes were glassy instead of icy. Alex didn't have time to question what she was doing though. Even when she was nothing to Piper, she needed to take care of her. It was an instinct, a reflex, running in her blood. The brunette quickly approached her and of course, some guy had to get handy and touch Piper who got pushed deeper against him by the crowd. Alex had never been the jealous type but Piper was no fucking thing. Nobody's hands were clean enough to touch her, not even her own.

When she finally reached them, she wasn't sure if Piper really acknowledged her. Wrapping a strong arm around the model's waist, she didn't need to understand what that guy was saying to her when he saw that Alex was pulling Piper away from him. Glaring at him, she just said, "Fuck off," and made sure to say it loudly enough so that he could hear her. At some point, Piper leaned against her and clung tightly to her leather jacket. The liquor in her body always made her a hundred times heavier, and clingier. But did Alex care? Fuck no.

After she had freed the blonde from the mass and the outside and woken her up in her car, Piper acted as if she was still asleep. On their ride, she had muttered some things here and there and had let Alex know that she was aware of who was driving her home. She was just relieved that it wasn't that easy to kidnap her as she had initially assumed. The model was leaning with her head against the window and for a moment Alex only watched her before she again tried to make her get up.

"You're home, kid. Your bed is a thousand times more comfortable than this car window."

But Piper remained silent. She precisely knew how soft Alex was for her. That was why she wasn't surprised when the raven-haired woman stepped out of her car, making her way to the passenger side and carefully opened the door.

"You're such a nag," Alex breathed out when she put her arms under the other woman's knees and her back to heave her out of her car.

When Piper got what she wanted, she no longer tried to act as if she was sleeping and rested her face in the crook of the other woman's neck who was carrying her to her apartment. Piper half-consciously handed her the keys to open the front door of her place. It was kinda nostalgic and actually reminded Alex of that first night she had spent here. When Piper had been too drunk to get home on her own and too broken to get through the night alone. Not turning the lights on, the brunette made her way through the dark apartment and walked the stairs up to the model's bedroom. As she reached the side of the big bed, she leaned forward and laid Piper gently down. But instead of removing her hands that had been wrapped around the brunette's neck, she kept them around her to pull her down with her. Alex ended on top of her and managed to place her hands next to Piper to stop herself from falling on her. Her blue gaze pierced her as her soft hands held onto the woman on top of her who was just studying her. She needed to make sure that her apathy was gone.

"Thank you," the golden-haired woman slightly slurred and closed her eyes for a second.

They fluttered open again when Alex responded, "No problem, kid."

"I think I'm too drunk to have sex with you though," she suddenly blurted out and loosened her grip before she fully let go of Alex.

"I didn't do that for sex."

The woman under her only hummed in response and Alex used that moment to climb off her. She didn't get up but settled next to her on the bed, leaning with her back against the headboard of the bed. Although she knew that she had done enough and should just go, she wasn't finished with taking care of Piper though. She would never be.

Just when she thought that the woman next to her had drifted off to sleep, she sat up and mirrored Alex's position. Everything was turning and moving but she had to face her when she would talk to her.

"Al, I gotta tell you something."

Raising a brow, she turned her head to the side to look at Piper and eventually said, "Tell me."

She could tell by the look on her face that she wasn't lifeless anymore. Because her drunken eyes were full of remorse. It might be selfish but Alex was relieved that she at least felt something. Still staring at her, Piper couldn't hold her gaze when she admitted, "That last time you were at my place and I found the drugs accidentally in your jacket, I said that I found them because your phone was ringing… well, the truth is, nobody called you."

"I know."

Surprised by her quick response, her glassy eyes shot up and she said filled with wonder, "What?"

"I checked my phone, I didn't have any missed calls that day," the raven-haired woman explained to her and reached out to tuck some loose strands behind Piper's ear.

Whilst she was brushing her thumb over the flawless skin of her cheek, the model softly asked, "And you're not angry?"

"For what? That you were reasonable? You can't trust people like me, kid."

When she was about to pull her hand back, Piper stopped her by leaning against her touch and when she looked up at her, Alex saw yet again the bluest eyes she's ever seen. They were so blue that they made her feel blue. They were a trigger for melancholy and drowned every space with it. Especially Alex's hole inside of her. After a while, the blonde changed her position and leaned with her side against her headboard to get a better look at the woman next to her. And when their eyes met again, the brunette wasn't so sure anymore if she wanted Piper to feel something. Because that ocean of hers was drowning in its own tears.

"Hey what's wrong?" Alex quickly asked and inched closer to her, cupping her both cheeks.

"Why do you love it so much?" the blonde asked her, her tears crushing Alex like waves.

Before Alex could ask her what she exactly meant, Piper confirmed her theory and let everything out that her apathy had been protecting her from.

"How is it possible that someone like you can love heroin but not me? Why does no one love me, Alex? Why can't my parents love me? Why can people love things that destroy them and kill them… but not me?"

"Oh baby girl," was all Alex could say and wrapped her arms tightly around her, pulling her into them and let Piper break down in them.

She was holding her so tightly and caught her tears, although she knew that it wouldn't be enough to put her back together.

Maybe Alex wasn't the one who needed Piper more. Maybe Piper was the one who needed her more.

* * *

 _It took me some time to write this chapter because I didn't want my mood to affect it as it already had the previous chapter. At this point, a little shoutout to that anon who didn't hold back and let their anger out and said that Piper pissed them off. Please, be as honest as you can be. Every kind of criticism is great. Anyways, I think you, dear honest anon, just noticed that my personal anger kinda slipped through because I was really pissed at my ex-something, she's a fucking bitch and I just, I don't know, I think she kinda slipped in Piper's character or whatever. This story is really fucking personal but I don't want to drag any of you down with it if it makes sense. It's already dark enough, ha. However, thanks so so much for those amazing reviews, especially when some of you praise my writing as if I were some kind of a_ _reincarnated Shakespeare… That was my quote at this point but that's just how your mind-blowing reviews get across… And that story is far from over, I don't even know if I'm gonna finish it in this life but seriously, we might've reached the half by now Xx_


	17. Baise Moi Engourdie

_Sorry for the long wait. I actually kinda feel like Frank Ocean because I always keep you waiting for so long but, you know, life and stuff happen. However, your reviews never fail to remind me to get a new chapter done for you. I hope you like it Xx_

* * *

 _Chapter 17: Baise Moi Engourdie_

She didn't know how many hearts she had broken, but for the very first time, she had to deal with a broken heart, one that she didn't even break. At least not yet. And in some way, she could even hear it crack and shatter into a thousand pieces, it even felt like it was her own heart that broke so loudly and violently. If she wasn't so intertwined with her, she would have let her anger and hate come to life by now and would have made everyone pay for having mistreated her and having planted such thoughts inside of her that made her believe that she wasn't loveable, even though she herself would be on that list.

 _Why do you love it so much?_

 _How is it possible that someone like you can love heroin but not me?_

To say that her questions had pulled the whole oxygen out of her lungs would be an understatement. Those words, when they had come out, had wrapped around her throat like a chain and with every second she could feel it tightening around it. And at the same time, she had fallen apart a bit, too. Having seen her like this, absolutely broken and lost and fallen were like a dozen dagger perforating her. What was even worse was the fact that she didn't know what to do. This dissected fallen angel was in front of her and all she could say were a couple words that weren't even comforting. In both of their helplessness physical closure was all they could get. Even though she wasn't aware of it, her strong arms put more pieces together than she had assumed. It was an instinct to wrap them around her little angel although they wouldn't be powerful enough to protect her from the cruel world. But she simply didn't know what else she was supposed to do. She had never been there for someone, she had never seen someone's heart breaking. Nobody ever let her that close to them or she never let herself get close to someone. It was probably the latter but she couldn't deny that she would do everything to take it all away. She would carry it all herself if that was possible. All those things and thoughts and feelings that were tearing her apart, she wanted to kill them for her. And actually, she did know a way how to wipe them out. Her own way. But, as much as it hurt her to see the girl in her arm like this, she shouldn't stop her pain like that. It was only an option, the best option someone as inexperienced with emotional stuff as her could come up with. Yet, if she offered her _that way_ , she would kill her even more. She would destroy her. So she had tightened her arms around her, had rested her head on top of hers and had just hold her. Dismissing her own way meant letting Piper go through this hell so the least she could do was going through this with her. Maybe it was this soulmate thing because nothing else could feel this real and pure and raw.

Now they were lying in each other's arms, their fronts against each other's and their bodies plastering the other, Alex's shirt soaked in those salty tears Piper had shed and which were a reminder to the brunette how cruel the world was. Alex was a heartbreaker but the world was a serial killer, destroying its victims with a coldblooded passion. But the only prisoners were Alex and Piper although the world was the criminal. At least the model had felt free enough to share her pain with her. Alex couldn't deny that it had ripped her apart, especially when Piper had confessed that she believed drugs were more valuable than her and deserved to be worshipped and loved, unlike her. Because that was a thought Alex herself had created and had planted inside of the other woman's mind. If she ever fully hated herself, it was in this very moment. The raven-haired woman just loved herself so much that she wasn't able to reject herself those things that made her feel so fucking amazing. Yet, her delusional consumption has never felt wrong until Piper asked why she could love it but not her. Because, in the end, they were just some drugs that made the one side of the coin disgustingly rich whilst the second side was slowly losing everything. Not only money. Ever since she's been a professional fighter, she could afford every damn pill and powder there was. But she would never forget those things she had done to get only some laced shit before her anger made her rich. There had been times Lucy hadn't been in town, busy enjoying the sun at white beaches in exotic places with her parents and, although she had always left some grams to Alex, it had never been enough. Alex was never aware of the fact that Lucy had done it on purpose. She hadn't been around and couldn't look after her raven-haired friend, let alone make sure that she wouldn't overdose. So she had always given Alex only a few bags or some leftovers. And when Alex had run out of it, she had had to get herself supplies. Yet, she had been broke, her mother could barely work because of her disease and had shown up to work anyway until her lungs had spit out blood. Such a wrongful world only could turn others into a criminal as well. She had been forced to grow up within only a few weeks and hab been overwhelmed by her sudden responsibility. And although a nice high had fixed her, it had made it harder for her to go to work. She had lost one job after another and even if she had kept one a bit longer, there had never been enough money for her to even take care of her mother. So her drug abuse had asked her to rob little stores. Heroin had wanted her to do that, just like this fucked up world had put her into such a situation in the first place. Thinking of all those things she had done to only to get a little bag that would fix her up for not even an hour, she really did hate herself for a moment that she had been able to do everything for her heroin but, in comparison, nothing for Piper. It was disgusting. She had gone to jail for some grams but couldn't make Piper feel loved. Nonetheless, that wasn't the moment she hit rock bottom.

When she noticed that Piper was no longer shaking nor sobbing, she looked down at her but couldn't tell if she had fallen asleep as her face was burrowed in her chest. The two women were lying on their sides, Alex's face on top of Piper's, and the black-haired woman's arms were wrapped around the model like a shield. Alex was a MMA fighter but for the very first time she actually questioned her strength. She wanted to protect that girl in her arms but wasn't sure if she was capable of that. She didn't know if she was strong enough to fight Piper's demons because, damn, she couldn't even fight her own. It didn't matter though because she was probably willing to die trying. There weren't a lot of things she was living for but Piper, and her mother, they were worth dying for.

Suddenly, she felt how the blonde intensified her grip on Alex's shirt, letting her know that she was still awake. In return Alex pulled her even closer, so close that she was probably close to crushing the little bones of her skinny body. Piper was so fragile, like glass and although she was smashed to smithers, Alex was more than fine with picking up every single sharp piece even if she bled dry. Ever since she had fallen apart in front of her, there were no words Alex found fitting enough to say. Sometimes, silence could be surprisingly comforting which was the case tonight and this peaceful stillness has been surrounding them and, as time didn't exist, neither of the two knew how long they have been lying like this. They felt like the centre of the universe, the planet was spinning only around them and everything else was non-existing. So intoxicated with one another that it beat everything, even the liquor in Piper's blood. She wasn't sober but she was drunk enough on Alex's presence that she couldn't tell if this warm fuzzy feeling inside of her was caused by upcoming nausea or her. Nevertheless, even though she was no longer crying, her brokenness was consuming her. She was glad that she had Alex, though. With her around, she might be getting some sleep tonight. With her around, she felt less broken. Again, Alex couldn't be more dangerous because she was the only who could give her such a feeling which also meant that she could just take it back again and walk away with it. It was always all or nothing. Ecstasy after ecstasy, the good, the bad, cure, poison, medicine, death. She was harmful and sanative.

Like a drug.

No letters could form any right word that could be said, maybe that was why Alex was so careful and eventually whispered, "Do you want me to kill them?"

Again, she used humour to cover up the seriousness that was controlling this room but at the same time, Alex wasn't lying. She had become a criminal for some damn drugs, becoming a killer for Piper would be the least she could do. Although she had no idea how to make that blonde mess in her arms feel better, her almost self-loathe dissolved into thin air when she heard Piper letting out the softest laugh. It wasn't really a laugh, more an audible smile. Yet, it was more than enough for Alex's stoned heart to warm up a tiny bit. It couldn't eclipse the eclipse though. But at least she knew that the blonde wasn't too torn apart to be incapable of letting some light in. And finally, Piper was naked, not in a physical way though. Her soul was exposed right in front of her and every mask and facade was off. She revealed her scars and flaws, unbeknownst to her that this was what Alex had been talking about this whole time. Although the brunette could see right through her, she had still been waiting for Piper to actually allow her to do so. Alex didn't want perfect, she didn't want this shallow doll, a lifeless silhouette that was created by society and the world. If Piper hadn't been different, she would have left her for being exactly that a long time ago. A prototype of fake flawlessness. Maybe that was why things were always this complex between them that even they themselves had to figure out what was actually going on. They weren't normal but neither did they want normal. Or maybe they were just too fucked up.

The ocean and the sky were immaterial and fake when eyes that had invented their colour fell on her as Piper slightly pulled her head back, moving away from the other woman's chest but not really leaving it. Instantly returning her gaze, Alex's anger yet again came up with another thrust because, who in the world could actually believe that they had the right to hurt her, so much that it made her azure eyes water and her big heart bleed. As if she wanted to show the taller woman that she appreciated her (miserable) attempt to cheer her somehow up, she gave her a smile that was carrying all wounds and every pain. And of course, Alex saw that. And knowing that the blonde forced a smile just for her, those weird feelings she hadn't known before she had met her got the better of her and made her lips and guts drop.

Eventually, she said something she has been saying a lot lately.

"I'm so sorry."

Quickly reaching out, she caught the tear that was falling from the blonde's eye, resting her hand on her cheek afterwards.

If Alex could, she would have told Piper a thousand times by now that she had been wrong. Somebody did love her. But she couldn't lie to her, it would be the wrong thing to do. If she just knew what this sickening feeling in her stomach really meant and why she has been so close to having a heart attack ever since she'd met her.

Although she didn't wait for a response, nor actually wanted one because she didn't want to overburden Piper and in some way tried to take it all off from her, even light things like talking, she heard the golden-haired woman softly say, "It's not your fault."

"Yes it is," Alex responded swiftly, incredibly fast as she wasn't willing to let Piper load herself with guilt that was meant to be placed on her and not the model.

Their eyes were still locked on each other and the brunette could see some hints of liquor in them. She wondered if Piper would have been in more pain if she hadn't tried to drink it away. Or if she would have stayed in that prison of apathy. Both outcomes would have been even worse than the actual one, so she kept trying to be her liquor that was wrapping her up in cotton wool and moved her cold hand behind her neck and wrapped it around it whilst her other arm was buried under Piper's torso, her hand resting on her back as she pushed her closer. In addition, she lowered her head and placed her forehead against the blonde's, creating eye-level as well. Who would've thought that Alex would be so fond of snuggling and emotional intimacy instead of physical. Because both of their hearts, both of their souls, were naked and exposed. They could be touched, and hurt. It was up to them what kind of marks they would leave. Now they were totally and irrevocably in their own private world, together and almost out of reach from everyone and everything. Almost. Alex had to wipe out those intruders first. Yet, she didn't know how as she had already realised that the only way she knew, her way, was absolutely not even worth to be considered. Although it was the best way. Shit, it really was. But just one look at those cerulean eyes killed those thoughts and reminded Alex how she would kill this angelic person if they went down _that_ path. It was way too late for her to stay away though. She would stay. Even if she was gone, she would stay with her. Although she definitely didn't want to repeat what had happened the last time she had been at Piper's place, she knew that it was impossible for her to give up on her drugs. And as Piper was her greatest, not even the world would be able to tear them apart. A junkie would always find a way to get a shot, no matter how. That was true love.

Running her frozen hand over the tight fabric of Piper's dress, she once more looked at her and found weary blue eyes staring at nothing particular. There were still a bunch of unsaid words lingering between them but maybe this day was just meant to come to an end. So, in order to release her, Alex tucked some long golden strands behind the other woman's ear and told her softly, "Maybe you should get out of this."

Usually, she would tell someone to take their clothes off only because she would initiate something that would lead to having sex but that definitely wasn't the case this time. She didn't even think about having sex with Piper which would actually be really hard for her. But that tight dress that Piper was captured in wasn't comfortable to sleep in. The brunette was indeed concerned about her not getting enough sleep if she kept this dress on. Sleeping with Piper wasn't on her mind. Sleeping next to her? Absolutely.

Her sapphire-blue eyes slowly opened and as she looked at the woman in front of her, she just nodded and moved to sit up. As Alex already knew her body better than everyone else, she didn't even bother to go into another room and just turned with her back to the taller woman who pushed her bright hair to the side and eventually pulled down the zipper. Whilst the blonde dragged her dress down her body, Alex got up to get her some clothes she could take on. She found a loose shirt and returned to the bed. Before she would join Piper, she took her pants and glasses off, placing them on the nightstand while her trousers ended up on the floor next to her jacket. Only wearing her underwear and her black top, she sat down next to the model and handed her the shirt. After she took it on, neither of the two said anything and silently settled under the blanket, Piper lying down on her side, facing the raven-haired woman who was watching her as she was still leaning with her back against the headboard. She could still see those salty drops burning Piper's eyes and those aching memories marking Piper's soul and yet, she didn't know what to do.

Again, the blonde had a blank stare although only one look at those Sinatra-blue eyes revealed everything. At least to Alex. Still watching her and watching over her, the black-haired woman eventually laid down as well, mirroring Piper's position. Her blue gaze shifted and fixed on Alex who was already capturing her in her emerald eyes. As they were face to face again, Alex was still struggling to do the right thing but finally broke the silence by saying, "Come here," and opened her arms and that former beating machine in her chest. Without hesitation Piper moved closer and ended up in Alex's embrace that was tender and full of words she couldn't say. Resting her head on top of Piper's, she felt how soft hands carefully wrapped around her as well until they were holding onto her so tight that they eliminated the remaining void between them. Even though she couldn't take care of herself nor didn't even know how to fix herself, she did know that she had to be Piper's anchor. Alex didn't need saving, she couldn't be saved, she was a lost cause but Piper, shit, the least she deserved was a heaven on earth. And all she got was Alex. What a sick joke. The fucking world struck again.

Inhaling the scent of her golden hair, Alex almost drifted off to sleep but woke up from her hazy state when she heard Piper mumble against her chest, "I can't let you kill them. I need you here, not in prison."

She didn't know if she somehow managed to cheer Piper up but based on her words she began to wonder whether she didn't suck as much at being there for someone as she'd supposed. Maybe Piper just tried to tell her that she needed her and was just like Alex, using sarcasm or humour to cover up the seriousness and to avoid an emotional confrontation. However, Alex decided to give it a try and replied, "Wait, you wouldn't wait for me?"

Even though she couldn't see her face, she knew that Piper slightly smiled as it was audible in her voice when she said, "I'm only getting older, I don't have time for that."

"You're younger than me," Alex stated, carefully letting out a deep chuckle.

"So you'll be all wrinkles and grey hair when you'll get out, and even blinder than you already are."

Unbeknownst to the brunette, it wasn't the liquor in Piper's veins that changed her mood. It was Alex who intoxicated her with her tender touches, solely her presence. She could fix her.

"Wow, you're not only a model physically but mentally, too," she heard the woman above her say and eventually looked up at her.

She really was deep in that industry but that familiar cocky grin on Alex's face could always expel that fake glitter world. Before the raven-haired woman could fear that she had said something wrong, Piper gave her a smile, one that wasn't burdened by pain and explained, "I'm just a professional."

Although her professionalism had been one of those many things that had separated the two at the start, it actually wasn't that different from Alex's drug-love. They'd both devoted their lives to those things, they had been their biggest influences in their lives. Until they'd met each other of course. It was weird how it would only take one person in your life to turn it upside down.

Gazing at each other, Alex lifted her hand that had been on the model's waist to tuck loose strands behind her ear. How much she loved her long golden hair.

"I can be professional, too," she eventually clarified, making Piper raise her brows and ask, "Oh really?"

"Yes, I'm professional at this," Alex responded and leaned in to capture the blonde's lips in a soothing kiss that lasted long enough to make their lungs run low on oxygen.

When they broke apart, faces only inches apart but yet enough to be looking at each other properly, Piper was still staring at her lips when she muttered, " You're stupid."

 _Yes, stupid in love._

"I'm just a fool for you baby," the dark-haired woman told her and was so proud of herself when she saw another small smile coming to life on the other woman's face.

Addictions weren't real. They were just a byword for love. Alex was such a fool for them, and for her. She thought that the things she'd done for her drugs were vicious and disgusting but love could make someone do questionable things as well. Being addicted meant to be in love. And if you were addicted, you knew that you found true love. Well, there might be one small difference between love and drugs. Whilst drugs could literally kill you and lead you into your grave, the way love could fuck you up was way crueler because it would make you want to kill yourself. Drugs would end you but love, love would always be there even if it was over. Being in love meant dying while still being alive, an overdose would just make your heart stop beating. But love would rip it apart until it would only be a pile of shreds or it would tear it out of your chest, leaving a toxic hole behind that you would need to live with for the rest of your life. Love would fuck you up more than drugs ever could. And yet, Alex wished and hoped that Piper would find somebody to love and who would love her in the way she deserved, not knowing that Piper was already looking at that somebody right now.

"Al?"

"Yes baby girl?"

"Don't leave me."

And there it was again, the cruel world reminding them that they had a termination date because, at some point, Alex had to leave her so she would get everything Alex wanted for her. And that excluded the junkie that she was. She knew that she could never quit but, she also knew that a shot could never make her quit _her._ Piper was a part of the blood that was running through her veins, it was impossible to shoot her out. For a long time, it was Alex against the world. Not anymore though.

Alex could never quit.

"Never."

And after her reply, she sealed her promise with a gentle kiss before she dragged Piper closer who instantly buried herself in the shield that was Alex, falling asleep in strong arms and a loudly beating chest.

 _So hear me out, hear me out  
_ _I won't go, I won't go  
_ _No goodbyes, no goodbyes  
_ _Just hello, just hello  
_ _And when you cry, I will cry  
_ _And when you smile, I will smile  
_ _And next time when I look in your eyes  
_ _We'll have wings and we'll fly_

* * *

The sun was already up, bathing the world in warm beams. Yet, they weren't as warm as Alex's embrace that Piper was still in when her cerulean eyes slowly opened up, needing a few seconds to adjust to the brightness in the room. Usually, Alex would be the one who would wake up first, given that their chains wouldn't have torn them apart before dawn. But only one look at her closed eyes that were covered in smudged eyeliner that looked perfect nevertheless told Piper that she was fast asleep. She looked so peaceful and Piper wasn't unaware of the fact that it was actually rather rare. It would be a crime to wake her up. So the blonde kept gazing at her, knowing that she wouldn't fall asleep again. She didn't mind though as she was more than fine with doing this all day. Staying in bed with Alex, being next to Alex, simply having Alex. As she was still facing the brunette, her mind began to wander and, because of the little hangover she was having, it took her some time to reflect on what had happened the last time she had been awake. Memories filled her mind and she remembered- Alex showing up at her fashion show, her own coldness, the party, the attempt to drink herself into even more numbness, Alex picking her up and taking her home, her pouring her heart out, Alex picking up the pieces of her broken heart. Realising what she had done, exposing herself and her swallowed emotions, she would have jumped out of the window of her apartment by now. But she didn't because those feelings and she hadn't been ditched. Instead, they had been caught by the same person she has been falling for. That person that could be a collapsar and selfish and cocky and lethal. Yet again, Piper didn't know who Alex Vause was. And that ignorance drove her even more into their shared madness. However, she was way too deep in that maze again but nothing has changed, she still didn't mind getting lost in it.

Piper had confessed her brokenness and nothing has changed. There was no weird tension between them and the model was sure, it wouldn't appear when Alex would wake up.

Actually, it was kind of scary how peaceful she looked. No deep breaths could be heard, she was stiff and heavy like a stone. To be honest, Alex could be a dead body. Of course Piper didn't believe that she was dead but, maybe it was the rest of the alcohol in her brain that was messing with her senses, she eventually did want to make sure that Alex was still alive. So she lifted her hand that had been buried between their torsos and reached for the brunette's neck. When her two fingers landed on that pale skin, they started to move, searching for Alex's pulse rate. She was probably overreacting but when Piper didn't find one, she actually became anxious in her hazy state.

Wasn't it a well-known fact that many drug-users would die because their heart would just beating?

Her fingertips moved up and down, digging deeper into snow-white skin. Still, no heart rate. Suddenly, her dizziness was replaced by full awareness of her surroundings and of those things that were missing. Like Alex's pulse. She pressed her nervous fingers even further into her skin that they would probably leave a mark.

"You know, if you're trying to strangle someone to death it actually takes more than a few small fingers," that supposed dead body abruptly said, apparently not so dead.

"Care to explain what you're doing kid?"

Swiftly removing her fingers as if she had been caught doing something naughty, her eyes shot up and met the emerald gaze of the woman in front of her. And of course she had her brows raised, making Piper feel like a deer in spotlight. Although she was more than familiar with this feeling, she fluffed when she replied, "I, uh… there was a bug… on your neck."

Lifting one of her thin brows even higher, she added her cocky grin when she said, "And you tried to strangle it to death?"

Knowing that she got her, she just waited for Piper to give in.

"Shut up."

Alex chuckled in response, so huskily that it sent a shiver down the blonde's spine. And so beautifully that Piper couldn't suppress a toothy grin. It surprised how her heavy words from last night didn't burden them. Everything was actually normal. Not like normal normal because neither of the two were normal nor was anything ever between them normal, everything was Alex-and-Piper-normal. Like wanting to kill Alex when she was looking at her with that smug grin. Like feeling lightnings striking through her when Alex pushed loose strands out of her face. That kind of normal. Or feeling like the greatest sinner in the world because of all those things that would be on her mind when Alex would kiss her. Just like in this very moment when she leaned in and captured Piper's lips in a soft kiss.

When their lips were still busy making each other feel airless, Alex's hand moved from her bright hair down over her side. Her hand was way too gentle though to make Piper think that she wanted to sleep with her. It was just comforting, and unusually warm.

Their lips still brushed against one another when the raven-haired woman asked, "How are you?"

Although the way Piper kissed was revealing enough, she eventually replied when she slightly pulled back.

 _In love._

(She didn't know it)

(She felt it though)

"Okay."

She didn't want to lie. She would have felt way worse if she had woken up all alone this morning. But Alex made her feel better, with her around she felt less sad. Of course she couldn't fix her within one night. Piper wouldn't even ask her to do that. But her okay was an okay that meant that for now, they've gotten rid of those things that had plagued her. They weren't far away from them but Alex had managed to build a wall. And this time, Piper was on the same side as her.

"Thank you," the blonde said with such sincere eyes that came upon Alex like a flood of pure admiration.

Although Alex thought she didn't deserve it, she appreciated it nevertheless.

"Anything for you baby girl."

A comfortable silence settled around them and anyone who would see how they were gazing at each other would feel sick. Alex was yet again looking at Piper as if she was the only person in this goddamn world whilst Piper was looking at her as if she was so much more than her mistakes. As if she was her savior.

True love was dangerous.

Because it was an addiction.

And addictions pushed everything else into the background.

Actually, Piper had never been really fond of nicknames. God, how much she'd hated it back then when Alex had called her 'kid'. But now she wouldn't even think of telling her to stop calling her that or 'Pipes' or 'baby girl'. The last one was probably her favourite. Or maybe she was so fond of it because she could tell that Alex actually wasn't the type that would snuggle or use terms of endearment. But apparently not when it came to her. She wondered if Alex would ever fail to amaze and confuse her.

However, teasing was an ingredient of their dynamic. That was why Piper couldn't hold herself back and asked with a cheeky grin, "Is the notorious MMA champion growing soft on me?"

"Former MMA champion," she corrected her, her smug expression not falling, "that tattooed kangaroo and her shadow fucked me over pretty good."

"Her shadow?"

"Vee Parker, I knew I shouldn't trust her and although I didn't, she pulled me over the barrel."

Propping herself up on her elbow, Piper let Alex know that she was intently paying attention to her, eager to find out what had really happened between them.

"What do you mean?" she asked, her brows knitted slightly together in that specific way that would always make Alex weak.

She almost told Piper that she looked cute when she was confused. Almost. Before her she'd had no feelings. But now she did and, as she knew what it was like to have them, she also realised how easily they could slip out.

"I guess you know what happened between me and Red? That she kicked me out and stuff?"

Seeing the blonde nodding in response, she continued, "Well, Parker is Carlin's trainer and, at the same time, an UFC commissary. After I beat that dingo back to Australia she showed up at the press-conference and, as you can already guess, wasn't that pleased about their defeat. She said some things and I kinda lost it but Red and the others stopped me from doing something stupid. Then Red told me who she was and that she's been on me ever since I became a professional fighter and actually wanted me out of the picture… long story short, she still wanted me out of the picture when she offered me that deal and I was so naive that I thought that I could take on the whole damn world on my own. Turns out, I was wrong. And Red's been right all along."

For the first time, Alex talked about what had really happened that night when she'd lost that fight. Not what everyone else had seen but what she had thought, and felt. Eventually, she got it off her chest and the way those blue eyes were looking at her was making it even easier for her to breathe. She wondered when they had reached that state in which they were able to share their deepest truths.

Piper was giving her an apologetic look that Alex instantly wanted to take away. Of course people couldn't be happy all the time. Yet, that wouldn't stop Alex from trying to make her smile.

"About Parker and about me having lost all of my braincells because _what did I teach you Alex, you've got two hands so use them, have you ever heard anything about protection? Did your brain really shrink this much that you forgot the things I've taught you?!"_ the brunette said, mimicking her former trainer by speaking in her thick Russian accent.

Although it was probably not good enough, it was enough to make Piper giggle and, God, if that wasn't the best response a human being could get, she didn't know what could possibly top that.

(Fine, maybe Piper's ecstatic moans)

Her perfect laughter was muffled by her arm in which she buried her face, unaware of the pair of emerald eyes being stuck on her. When the blonde calmed down, she left her stash that was her shoulder and asked Alex with big blue eyes as she leaned down on the pillow, "Does she really speak like that?"

That was when Alex realised that Piper had never met Red, nor anyone that was in some way close to her. Only her mother but that time didn't really count.

Wait.

Was Alex actually thinking about introducing Piper to her family?

It wasn't like she had a family though. She had her mum but Nicky, Red, they had banned her. As much as she wanted to resuscitate their bonds again, she still hasn't contacted them. What if there was nothing to resuscitate because everything was already dead and buried?

Holding her sapphire-blue gaze, Alex pushed those itching thoughts away and answered, "Yeah and yet she would always blame me if I didn't understand her."

"Aw, poor you!" the blonde said to her with a teasing tone in her soft voice.

Before her banter would get to her head though as Alex just gave her a deadpan look in response, the raven-haired woman suddenly raised one hand and reached for the model's neck. She moved her fingers up and down her flawless skin, making Piper pull her brows together.

Whilst Alex was pushing her fingers into it, she explained to her, "There is a bug on your neck, I'm strangling it to death."

With a scoff, the blonde pushed her hand away, making her chuckle. Piper was the only one who could make her really laugh.

"You're such a dickhead."

"I thought I was an asshole?"

"Yeah, that too," Piper informed her with a cheeky grin as she was making her laugh even more.

Even though Alex was no longer eager to know why the model had woken her up like she had, she eventually stated, "I was just scared, okay? You looked kinda… _dead_."

That abruptly stopped Alex's chuckling and she looked at her with wide green eyes and raised brows, this time not to look cocky but to look surprised. Her serious expression quickly fell though and another raspy chuckle escaped her mouth. She was laughing so hard that she rolled onto her back, her hands landing on her own stomach. Turning her head to the side, she asked through her laughter, "What the fuck Pipes?!"

"You had no pulse!"

The golden-haired woman sounded dead-serious but Alex was too amused by its absurdity.

That was why she asked, her words drowning in her chuckling, "You thought I was dead?!"

"Stop making fun of me," Piper earnestly told her and pulled her brows together.

"I'm not making fun of you kid."

The brunette was still having a good laugh, her response apparently not really matching her behaviour. She had to keep her eyes closed to keep those tears of joy from falling and she couldn't remember the last time she had to laugh like that. Probably never.

Her emerald eyes fluttered open though when she heard the woman next to her say, "You're laughing at me."

With her head turned to the side to face her, Alex's amusement was silent but still written all over her face as she stated, "Pipes, I just can't fucking believe you… you're so funny."

"Oh well then pardon me for caring about your well-being, asshole," the blonde exaggeratedly replied, yet with a tone in her voice which revealed that she wanted to share Alex's happiness.

If she was happy, Piper was happy, too.

It was nearly frightening how much the dark-haired woman could actually laugh. Piper has been more than used to her signature smirk but seeing her this happy and carefree was still new to her. She wasn't aware of the fact that she was the sole reason for it.

When the brunette was eventually silent, only gazing at Piper with that typic smirk, she looked down at her and asked, "Do you think I'm weird?"

Pressing her lips together, her emerald eyes flickered to their hands for a second before they returned on the model again and she replied with a mischievous grin, "Absofreakinglutely."

Although the question _what are we?_ was itching at the back of her head, she wasn't willing to listen to it. This sick ballad of her and her brain was supposed to finally come to an end. She no longer wanted to give this continuous loop the chance to command her. Only one drug should control her. And that one was right beside her.

That smile Piper gave her drowned out her thoughts and dragged her closer as she wrapped her hand around the blonde's neck. Alex slightly leaned up to reach her lips and captured them in a deep kiss, pulling Piper on top of her as their mouths were intertwined. Only their bodies were allowed to talk.

* * *

Soon enough, they fell into a pattern. And falling into a pattern meant developing habits and having habits meant forgetting being able to live without them. But then you would wake up and she would be gone. Or you would look at her and would see that she was gone. Nearly every night was spent sharing a bed and one sheet and all they consumed was each other. Until Piper would leave her when the sun was up. Or until Alex's zone would be calling out to her and suck her in. They still talked but their sentences barely made any sense as they mostly consisted only of their names and curse words. Yet in the end, Piper was professional and belonged to the world and Alex was addicted and the property of her own drive for self-destruction. And it was only a matter of time until their owners would tear them apart again.

As for instance Piper's schedule. The model had to fly to Europe in two days and, for a change, she wasn't too happy about it. It wasn't only because she wouldn't have someone who would keep her bed warm and her company in her lonely hours. What made it rather hard for her to leave was that Alex wouldn't be there to keep her bed warm and her company in her lonely hours. She was the best. No one else could kill her loneliness the way Alex could. So in order to save this beautiful death and not to miss it ( _not to miss her_ ) too much when they'd be an ocean apart, Alex had come over to Piper's place and was now watching her pack her things as she was sitting on the edge of her big bed.

Business before pleasure.

"Have you actually heard what they're saying about us?" she eventually asked, her green eyes following Piper.

Grabbing some clothes from her drawer, the blonde casually said, "What do you mean?"

Although she didn't see her because she was standing with her back to her, Alex had a smirk on her face when she replied, "Well, you know, the usual stuff. I mean I'm no ghost, it wouldn't surprise me if they caught me stealing into your place."

"I thought you use the backdoor?"

 _Ah, professional Piper._

So annoying. And so hot.

"So far I haven't actually."

After her response the blonde spun around, meeting Alex's gaze and she had already known that one of her brows would be raised. Whilst Alex's eyes were teasing, her own blue eyes were slightly icy as she asked, "What?"

She tried to sound calm but Alex knew better, knew her, and could see the big storm that was awaiting her. It was almost unfair how easy it was to hoax her. Yet, it wouldn't stop her from doing so.

"What what?"

The brunette knew she had her when Piper put the clothes she was holding on top of the cupboard to cross her arms in front of her chest. It wasn't really clear to her how well she knew that girl. Piper was multifarious but angry Piper might be one of her favourite. It could get her wetter than ever. Only those wintry eyes she was looking at right now were sending shivers down her spine. She was glad that she was sitting. Because she was about to be double-crossed by Piper.

So she added before the blonde could speak up, "Pipes, we've been seeing each other almost every night, it's not like we could make ourselves scarce."

"Wait," the model instantly said, a serious tone in her usual soft voice. "And every time you came to my place you walked through the main entrance? And not through the backdoor?"

Although Alex didn't want to, she decided to deliver Piper from her teasing. This was going to be the last night they were going to spend together until Piper would return from her trip. It was almost like they were running out of time. At least that was how Alex felt.

"Oh, you're talking about that backdoor," the raven-haired woman eventually said, sounding as surprised as she could and saw that absolute confusion was written all over Piper's face.

"Alex, what the fuck?" she asked with an exasperated sigh and dropped her arms.

With the most innocent voice Alex could make, she explained, "What? I thought you were talking about another kind of _backdoor_ … because I haven't used _that one_ at all."

"You pervert," she heard the blonde say who nevertheless looked relieved that neither of them had been seen sneaking into each other's beds at night.

She was still professional.

"Don't worry, I'm not really into it," Alex began, watching how the expression on the model's face changed until it finally turned into a smile when she added, "unless you are."

Walking up to the taller woman with a cheeky grin, she questioned, "Does that mean you have a weak spot for me?"

When she was standing in front of Alex who was still sitting on the edge of the bed and looked up at her, the dark-haired woman stated cooly, "No that means that you gotta find someone else who shares your sexual preferences because that shit is nasty."

Acting as if she was thinking very hard for a moment, Piper suddenly moved closer to her. She was straddling Alex's lap and wrapped her arms around her neck when she said seductively, "I know that I can make you do anything I want you to."

 _Like falling in love with you?_

"Oh you think so kid?"

"I'm very sure actually," Piper replied, leaning in to close the torturous distance between them but only brushed her lips against Alex's.

When she felt how the brunette wanted to do what Piper hadn't and tried to kiss her, Piper pulled slightly back and, as their lips were not even an inch apart, she whispered against them, "See, you're already desperate for me."

"I'm just trying to do what you weren't bold enough to do."

"Like what?"

 _Like admitting that I will miss you._

"Pipes, we both know who's wearing the pants here."

"Yeah and we both know that I'm the only who knows how they get dropped."

Raising her brows, Alex had to admit that she was surprised by Piper's dirty talk. Maybe she wasn't the only who knew that they wouldn't have the chance to do any of that for a while. Or Piper was just extra lonely and horny for her.

Still, Alex was a control freak. She wouldn't admit to anyone how Piper controlled her. She wouldn't even call herself a junkie because she thought that she wasn't addicted. It was all in her hands.

That was why she sounded totally unimpressed when she said, "Wow, really?"

Nevertheless, she had to chuckle and eventually placed her hands on the blonde's waist, moving them underneath the fabric of her top because her skin felt better than anything else. And she had to live without it for a couple of weeks. Or just some days? It didn't matter though because it would still be way too long.

Piper only hummed against her lips until she finally pressed them against Alex's, instantly leaning into her. Although she had planned on packing her things first, she changed her priorities and Alex apparently happened to be hers. Piper's weight slowly pushed Alex down onto the mattress and she didn't really need to think to know where this was heading. Laying down, she pulled the woman on top of her with her to keep their mouths and bodies connected. Their still dressed fronts collided and hands immediately began to explore the hidden beauty beneath.

"Take that off," the raven-haired woman demanded as she was already touching Piper's chest.

It caught her off guard when she heard the woman above her say, "No."

Alex disconnected their lips and pulled back to look at the blonde. Before she could question her answer though, Piper told her, "You're gonna take that off for me."

Rolling her eyes, Alex took her glasses quickly off before she obliged and nearly ripped Piper's shirt off for her. It landed somewhere on the floor but neither of the two really cared as they were too busy to worship each other. Their mouths immediately found another again and both women were showing more and more skin as they didn't hesitate nor waited to undress each other. Not too much time had passed until they were bare-naked. It was almost animally how they were devouring each other, caused by the unavoidable truth that they were going to be separated in less than 48 hours. They couldn't tell if their heartbeats or the minute hands were beating faster.

As Piper was still on top of her, Alex tried to change their positions. She failed though as the blonde knew what she was trying to do and just pushed her down even deeper into the mattress.

"Control freak," she just whispered against Alex's lips and moved with her when the brunette crawled on her back towards the headboard.

When she rested her head on the pillow, she wasted no second to press her lips against Piper's again, her hands roaming over the blonde's torso until they found her breasts. A moan escaped the blonde's throat when she intensified her grip on them and its beautiful sound elicited goosebumps on Alex's skin. She lifted one leg to rock it against the spot between the model's thigh but instead of another heavenly sound, Piper abruptly broke the kiss and sat up, straddling Alex's lap. Before the brunette could notice the lack of her skin and lips, Piper grabbed her hands that were on her chest and pinned them next to the other woman's head. Still holding Alex's hands in place, she bent down over her so they were facing each other and when dark emerald eyes were looking up at her because Piper bumped her knee against her soaked lips, Piper told her with thirst in her voice, "You're pretty wet Al."

Of course Alex knew what she was trying to do, that she wanted to sweetly torture her and wanted to make her beg. If that clock wasn't ticking at the back of her head, she would've fought harder for her composure.

"No shit kid," she replied and had to suppress a groan when that knee collided with her sensitive nerves again.

Nevertheless, Piper caught her reaction and was smirking knowingly down at her. It was like their roles were reversed as the raven-haired woman found herself being owned by the woman on top of her, in every possible way.

Luckily, Alex knew that Piper had a temper. And no patience. She was trying to tease her but in the end, even her own teasing would be too much for the blonde. Yet, that didn't mean that Piper couldn't catch her off guard. Because, even though she knew that Piper wasn't able to torture her for too long, her back jumped at when she felt an even wetter tongue kissing her drenched lips. She didn't even notice when the model had moved down between her legs or when she had released her hands to capture her breasts.

When Alex looked down though, she was sure that heaven was a place on earth. Given that Piper was there. Because what she saw got her higher than any shot or pill. Piper's face was buried between her thighs and her tongue suddenly deep inside of her. It was impossible to hold back a moan.

"Piper," was the first thing her brain could think of to say when those thrusts became faster and harder.

She just hoped that this night would never be over. Not only because that would mean that this divine moment she was experiencing would last forever but also because the day of Piper's departure wouldn't come. Only the two of them should come. And the first one would be Alex.

Already feeling too hazy from her building sexual high that was sending her into another universe, she almost didn't hear Piper when she stopped fucking her to ask, "Are you gonna miss me?"

Even though her breath only brushed against her clit, Alex had to hold onto something and gripped the sheets, so tightly that her knuckles were turning white. Piper knew her better than she'd thought because she reached an impasse. There was only one answer that could get her out of it again.

"Yes."

And before Alex could even realise what her confession even meant, she had to repeat that word when the blonde continued to taste her, pushing her tongue through wet folds again as her soft hands were holding her breasts. The way Piper was eating her out was actually that mind-blowing that Alex had to remind herself that she was the very first woman Piper has ever been with. The blonde was almost as good at it as she was.

"Fuck, Piper… right there," she had to say when the model found that one spot inside of her.

Piper picked up her pace and could actually taste how close the woman under her was. Her inner walls were trembling and the way her body was shaking under her touch was more than revealing. She didn't know how she was supposed to survive without this feeling for the next days. Alex had just admitted that she was going to miss her. The state she was in definitely gave her the needed kick to confess that as Alex wasn't really someone who would display her feelings. But she wasn't only driven by her sexual pleasure. It might be one of those things she would miss the most when Piper would be gone but all in all, she would miss everything. Even their arguments. And who would take care of her if she wasn't going to be around? What if Piper was going to break down again and Alex wouldn't be there to catch her. Just thinking about it made her feel sick. Alex didn't only know her body but her soul as well. She was the only one who knew all of her inner and outer scars. Nobody could take care of Piper like her. But she didn't want to spend her time on thinking about it, especially because she kind of believed that she didn't need to see Piper go. Piper wasn't only fucking her into her delirium, she was fucking her into her grave. Every wet thrust and lick made Alex's heart skip a beat and she was almost sure that, when she was going to come, she was going to die because she wouldn't be capable of handling that high. She was a MMA fighter and the only one who could really knock her out was a skinny model that looked like an angel.

"Oh god… don't fucking stop," she hissed and couldn't care less about keeping quiet.

When she finally came for the first time that night, her whole body sprung to life until it froze and she just released a long throaty moan. With her hand still wrapped around the sheet, she was so deep in her sweet death that she didn't notice when Piper had left the area between her thighs and had crawled up to her. Their mouths met in a wet kiss that let Alex know how she tasted and when she felt stable enough, she released the sheet and rested her hands on the model's butt. They were definitely trying to make the best out of their last night together although they didn't need to.

As Alex's body and nerves were still very sensitive, a low groan fell from her lips when she felt one of Piper's hands stroking her clit. To be honest, the brunette didn't know if Piper was really trying to kill her because those things she was doing to her were the perfect weapons.

"Pipes," she breathed out and gave her butt cheeks a tight squeeze.

Sucking on the raven-haired woman's neck, Piper's fingers moved dangerously close to her throbbing heat that was still slightly shaking. Now Alex did know- Piper was trying to kill her.

"Come for me baby," the woman on top of her whispered against the marked spot of her neck and kissed her way up to her jawline before she repeated, "come for me again."

After her order had fallen from her lips, she didn't hesitate to push two fingers inside of Alex's again and for a second, Alex was certain, she was dead. She actually wanted to ask Piper what she was doing but all the words her brain could find and form were the blonde's name and a couple of curse words. Even though the woman above her knew that she didn't need to do too much to make Alex fall apart a second time, she picked up her pace and hit spots inside of her that stopped the brunette's heart from beating. The only thing that was moving was her body that was trembling harder and faster than her dysfunctional heart.

And suddenly, that fog around her fell down for a moment when Piper kissed her hard before she said, "Come with me."

As if she could read her mind because Alex really wasn't sure whether she had misheard her, the blonde repeated, "Come with me baby. Come with me to Paris."

Finally, it was like all that pressure dropped and time stood still. The only rush that existed was the one inside of the brunette who opened her hazy eyes to look up at the woman on top of her. And when she did, she knew that Piper was being serious.

Without acknowledging what her answer would mean, it wasn't like she was in the best shape to really think about that, she loudly followed Piper's orders and came for her, knowing that she would follow Piper, too.

"Yes," she groaned when that final thrust completely split her.

"Yes?" the model asked her, and it didn't go unnoticed by Alex that she sounded kind of surprised.

"Yes," Alex repeated and pressed her lips against Piper's to shut herself up because another moan was about to escape from her.

Neither of the two really knew that their wicked games had gotten out of their hands.

Although they knew that they had enough time, both Alex and Piper were not wasting any second they had together and just talked through sex-induced words and noises.

And in her bedroom was still that echo of I love you.


	18. Sex

_Fuck, I suck, I know. I'm sorry. Sorry for the wait, sorry for this chapter, sorry for everything. A million trillion apologies_

* * *

 _Chapter 18: Sex_

It wasn't wrong, right?

There were so many reasons why it actually should be.

But those reasons were only a draught, not visible, only sensible as it was trying to make her float away. Yet, all those reasons were in the end, was a bloated draught. And nothing more. They hissed through her brain, hissing that going to Paris with Piper was sinful. Selfish. Disastrous.

Wrong.

It was a sin that had been born in sin. She had been drugged. By sex, by Piper, by Piper's fragility that she would have had expanded if she had given her another answer. That answer would have been the right one, though.

Right?

She hated this state of unknownness, of blurriness, of unconsciousness. Although she did drugs, she hated it. Sure, drugs limited your capacity and faded out your surroundings. They sent you into a safe state of unknownness, of blurriness, of unconsciousness though. A safe state that Alex wanted, one that she had to live with to be able to live. Piper had yet again proven herself to be the best and easiest shot into that perfection of haziness. Fuck heroine and fuck Piper instead was the key, the _needle_ that sent her right into her heaven.

Heaven was a place on earth with Piper.

Nonetheless, heroine and cocaine and morphine would follow her wherever Alex would go. Sometimes, they built a path for her. And sometimes, she built a path herself and they walked it down right behind her like a shadow as they were a part of her like an organ. They were everywhere. In her veins, under her skin, inside of her brain and she would never get over them. Like a second heart, they kept her alive because that one heart that every other person had had been dead. Until a blonde angel had crashed on her and has been ripping her first heart apart ever since, making it jump and stop as if it was her puppet on a string.

Weren't angels supposed to rescue you?

So now she didn't know what she was supposed to do. She had to be in control all the time, no matter in what way. It was like an instinct. And now, she had gotten herself literally fucked, fucked out of control and fucked right into unconsciousness, into a situation that was covering her in nebula. The worst of all was that she precisely knew how to make this veil drop. That answer was right in front of her- had been right in front of her until Piper had disappeared between her legs. There was no time machine and no button that could take her back in time, a truth she had come across more than once in her life. She couldn't undo the done.

Neither could she be held accountable for it. When she had made that decision, she had been out of her mind. Non compos mentis. Her ability to think had been dragged away from her, right out of her body with every thrust of Piper's fingers and her devious tongue. So in conclusion, it wasn't necessary for her to reverse herself because it hadn't been her fault. The slightest bit of guilt wasn't needed. It was all just in her head that could be emptied every time Piper would be under her or on top of her or between her. Fuck, even if she was right in front of her. Piper could make her sleepwalk, sleepwalk from one dream into another. Until a pang of sanity would push her insanity in the back of her head for a while to make space for those things she was trying to smoke and snort away. Her fucking box sprang open again. It was overloaded and its insides were spreading within her like a toxic fever. But Piper was running through her, too. And Alex's body wasn't big enough for any of it.

Leaning over the glass table in her living room that was covered in the lights of the night, the morphine that rushed through her nose when she eventually inhaled it emptied her. The only constant was Piper but that was nothing new. She didn't even try to erase her or anything that made her think of the blonde. It would be in vain anyway. Alex simply needed it, her beautiful ivory flakes. The feeling was nice. It set her free and cut her loose. Shit, she wanted it, she craved for it, she was obsessed with it. And yet, it had a bad reputation although it made her feel better and living easier. The world just didn't allow good things in life. Maybe that was why something was telling her that she shouldn't go with Piper. Because she was good, this thing between them was good. And the world didn't want her to have something good.

So fuck the world.

Her morphine was better than ever.

And she knew, she knew that she needed them both. She wondered how easily she would find her illegal love in Paris.

* * *

They weren't dating. They weren't friends. They were fucking. They were something. They knew each other's bodies and each other's darknesses. They were soulmates, at night. It was the only time they took off their clothes and masks. When the world was asleep and couldn't see and they didn't need to hide nor had to wear their armor, they knew each other best. Fears, scars, loneliness, marks, traumas, electrifying parts, with their eyes closed, they could find every single one of them. That was why it wasn't like Piper was about to fly with a stranger to Paris. Sure, she didn't know Alex's favourite colour, she didn't know which food she could eat every day for the rest of her life, she didn't know if she was a morning person if they didn't have morning sex. Yet, Piper did know that she knew Alex, good enough to know that no matter how much she knew and would ever know about her, Alex would always be a dark-haired enigma. Her mysticism was probably one of her most attractive traits. And by far one of her most terrifying. That was why Piper wasn't overthinking everything for a change because this time she knew how wasteful it would be. She could almost see it in front of her blue eyes.

What was weird though was the fact that, as she was waiting in the car of the car park of the JFK international airport, she hasn't once feared what would happen if one of them was going to fuck up while they were going to be together in the capitol of France. And how ironic that it was the city of love. A faded city in south america or a tropical island were- without a doubt- way better places for them to go to, considering their 'relationship'. They would get those places even hotter with their 'fuck thing'.

And still, it wasn't Bali or Cambodia but Paris their flight would take them to in a few hours. They would taint that city of love with their fuck-love like Pablo Escobar tainted a complete country with his cocaine. And just like the drug agency, Piper wouldn't be able to keep Alex sober. She knew that at some point, Alex was going to trip out. So she wondered if the brunette would travel with something or provide herself on the other side of the ocean once they were going to have the ground underneath their feet again. Internally, she hoped that neither of those scenarios were going to happen. Realistically, she knew one of them was going to happen nonetheless and she just wished that Alex wasn't going to have some white bags hidden somewhere, wherever junkies would hide their powdery oxygen. Neither of the two would change within one night, Alex was still an addict and Piper was still a professional. And all eyes and cameras were on her no matter where she would be and go. So flying with and next to a drug-addicted former MMA champion that liked coke more than women was something she wouldn't have done nearly 5 months ago. But Piper managed to make Alex softer whilst Alex managed to take the edge off Piper's strict self-discipline. And as she knew her so well, ergo not at all because of her mysteries and layers, the blonde hoped that Alex would come _alone_.

And exactly that woman who has been occupying her mind for months shut it off with a light knock at the shaded window of the black car door.

"I can't see you but I can practically hear you thinking kid."

Alex yet again proved herself to be a black-haired, glasses wearing, walking enigma because, how could she know that she was having a clash of thoughts filling her mind?

Pulling her light brows together, she reached for the handle to open the door when she heard, "Let me guess- you're probably making that I-don't-understand-shit-face, right?"

Okay, that was enough. It was nearly like Alex knew her better than she herself. But how was that possible when all they've been doing was fucking? They knew how to make each other come. Yet that didn't mean that they knew each other. They were just fucking.

As the door swung open and Piper was blessed with that flawlessly chiselled face, adorn with a pair of black glasses and thin brows, Alex got into the car and before she even sat down, added with a grin, "I knew it."

The blonde couldn't hold back and rolled her eyes at this as the brunette settled down next to her.

"Dick," she eventually muttered and made light emerald eyes shoot up at her.

"Hello to you too," Alex only replied and leaned in because, damn, those lips, it's been way too long (not even a full day) ever since she had felt them against her own.

Her wish only almost came true though, the model foiled it by saying, "The door."

"Seriously?"

Piper only raised her brows in response, showing that she was serious and watched how Alex turned around and closed it. Now, it was only them.

"Now you can kiss-"

Her sentence was cut off and her words swallowed down when the dark-haired woman could finally do what she had wanted to do and captured Piper's lips in a deep, branding kiss. Piper did not need to tell her what she already knew.

Hands instantly began to roam over each other's bodies and without noticing it, Piper got pushed against the door of the car. A sharp breath instantly wanted to escape from her when her back hit the cold interior but Alex's tongue was too possessive. Just like its owner. Even colder hands wrapped around her neck to pull her closer. When both of them started to feel dizzy and were at the risk of running out of oxygen, Alex was the one who gave in and slowly pulled back. Not even a finger could fit between them when they were face to face and Piper breathlessly whispered against the brunette's plump lips in a soft tone, "Hey."

Alex smiled because Piper reminded her that she could be everything. Annoying, confident, stubborn, sweet, a pain in the ass and cathartic. And if she hadn't been a drug-addict, Piper would have totally been her everything.

"Hey," the dark-haired woman replied with her raspy voice that was the complete opposite of Piper's light one.

As quickly as things could get heated and out of hands between them, they both could manage to slow things down again. Sure, the latter was way more difficult for them to do but when Alex slightly leaned back and reached out to tuck some loose golden strands behind Piper's ear, nobody would think that only seconds ago they had been about to have sex in a car for the second time.

Her pale hand was still running though blonde hair when she said, "So, what were you thinking about?"

"Nothing," Piper lied but she would just fool herself if she believed that the dark-haired woman would fall for it.

Only the raise of one black brow let her know that she failed.

Yet, when the model was about to speak up, a voice from outside the car reminded them that they weren't the only two people in the world.

"Miss Chapman, it's time. We should slowly get going."

"We?!" Alex asked her with a bewildered look on her face and, as Piper knew why, she opened the door and quickly got out of the car.

"I thought we talked about this?" the brunette added when she left the car as well and tried to catch up with Piper.

When she walked past Piper's driver who was walking a few feet behind his client, she only glanced at him and greeted him until she was finally next to the blonde and said, "Piper?"

"What?" she asked without looking at her.

Of course she would try to avoid this old discussion. They had been talking about this topic excessively on the day before and even though Piper had eventually given up and agreed with Alex, it looked like she had changed her mind nonetheless.

"Remember our conversation from last night? When we agreed that we didn't need take to Gerald with us because we can just rent a car when we're gonna be in Paris? What happened to that?"

"Alex, it's better and easier for us both if he's with us."

"It's better and easier for you, that's what you mean."

When she heard Alex say that, she turned her head to the side and gave her that apologetic look with those big baby-blue eyes. Although it never washed with the black-haired woman, Piper would never stop trying.

"Don't give me that look, Piper. I just don't get it, why do we have to hide if there's nothing to hide?"

 _Maybe because we're not nothing._

 _Maybe because we're something._

 _Maybe because we both fuck away anything we don't want to deal with._

"Look, I don't care what they think and what they say. I know you do because you're this professional model who has to live up to high expectations and doesn't want to disappoint anyone but if you believe that it's better and easier to hide who you really are and just live in the dark and behind closed doors I should paddle you… and I would if it wasn't such a turn on to be your dirty little secret," Alex told her, her last words coming out in a teasing tone.

And of course she had that devious, mischievous smirk on her face. Nonetheless, she had meant every word she had said. Piper knew that and she also knew that Alex was right. It wasn't that easy for her to give up her professionalism for a while, though. She was a prisoner. She couldn't just break free. At least not on her own.

"I know that we said that we wouldn't need him but… I need a contingency plan."

Alex couldn't believe that talking Piper into sharing a hotel room had been easier than flying to Paris without her driver. Probably because those nights would get her lonelier than putting on her perfect mask by day.

As they were still walking through the parking block, Piper was no longer holding her green gaze when she said, "A contingency plan? For what? In case the car windows in Paris won't be shaded enough?"

The model scoffed before she replied, "You're exaggerating."

"No, you are. So what if somebody sees us together? It wouldn't be the first time. They would write about it for not even two days because they would get bored and find something else they could gossip viciously about… and even if Gerald comes with us, somebody will see us, it's inevitable."

They reached the elevator when Alex stopped talking and as long as the doors were closed, Piper had time to reconsider her decision. Alex was right, everything she was telling her and had been telling her made sense, they both knew it. That didn't mean that Piper's stubbornness would instantly let her listen to it. She didn't even know what she was afraid of. Every try to not be seen together in public would be in vain. People have already been talking and reporting about them for some time. Maybe she wanted to keep hiding to make it easier for herself to remind her that the thing between them wasn't real. The physical attraction was real. But the rest wasn't. Or rather shouldn't be. And flying with Alex to Paris and spending more than nights with her and sharing a place with her made it real. They were just fucking but did things that couple did. They were heartless but cared about each other like soulmates did. Deep down, she knew that they both were aware of it but were trying to ignore it. And if they knew that, everyone else would, too. They just had to look at them. So that what was why she didn't want to be seen, why she was so afraid. Because everyone else would see what they didn't want to see, what they were too afraid to see. It would make everything real.

Alex's gaze was still on her when her thoughts faded away in front of her cerulean eyes. Her driver was standing behind them and she looked at the jet-haired woman a bit longer before she turned around and asked, "Everything was taken care of?"

The elder man had a neutral look on his face when he nodded and said, "Yes, all we need to do is to get on the plane."

A high-pitched tone informed them that the lift reached their storey. Alex didn't waste a second and stepped in, waiting for the others to join her. As they still haven't moved, the brunette watched them, unbeknownst to her why they haven't gotten into the elevator.

"Are you coming or what?" she asked when she took a step forward to make sure that the doors wouldn't close.

The blonde looked over her shoulder for a moment before she internally made a final decision and returned her eyes on her driver and answered, "Yes, I'm coming. And you can stay here and enjoy your time while we'll be in Paris."

"Sorry?" he replied, vocalising Alex's confusion that seemed to be mutual.

"I'll give you a call when we'll be back," Piper coolly told him with a small smile on her face as she walked backwards into the lift.

Before Gerald could protest or realise what was happening, the doors closed and gave the two women the opportunity to drown in their marvellous togetherness. Whilst the blonde was standing with her back to Alex, she knew it was only a matter of time until Alex would let her know or feel that she was there. She felt her presence when the taller woman approached her from behind, using her height as usual to put a spell on everyone and slightly leaned down to whisper in Piper's ear, "Where did that change of heart come from?"

Slowly sinking into Alex's iron body, she felt how two strong arms wrapped around her own slim waist and turned her head slightly to the side when she answered, "I'm just trusting you."

Her response was sincere and honest and so, so raw that Alex would have gotten goosebumps from it if her skin hadn't already been ice. In the end, it was the hot tension between them that would always make the air thin in every room they would be in that got the dark-haired woman wild that she turned Piper around in a swift move and pushed her a bit too rough against the cold surface of the door. Yet again, Piper was the perfect prey and Alex a hungry predator, one that couldn't talk about human things like feelings and the deep meanings of meaningless sex and empty words.

Their lips were so close that they even touched each other when Alex said with her harsh voice, staring deeply into eyes that had the colour of the sky, "You shouldn't. Don't trust me."

And before neither of them had even the slightest chance to fill such a clear statement with fears and dark connotations, the brunette killed the distance between them and kissed Piper so hard that she wouldn't only forget what they had been talking about but probably even her own name.

 _You can't trust a junkie._

 _You mustn't trust a junkie._

 _Love makes you do questionable things._

 _Love makes you do everything._

 _Love makes you a junkie._

* * *

She wasn't afraid of heights. Yet, her body was telling her something different. It wasn't her first flight, only her first flight that would take them over a big deep ocean in which they could drown in without never being found. Maybe, she was a bit exaggerating. Still, her insides were jumping and turning although the plane hasn't even taken off. For once, it wasn't withdrawal that would make her feel sick like a disease. This time, it was her aerophobia. They've been sitting in their seats for not only ten minutes and Alex's body was both in hell and in the arctic. Internally, she was either boiling or freezing and both wasn't too pleasant.

It was close to the feeling she would get when she would be sober for too long but it wasn't killing her. Her fear of heights was like a whistleblower that was having way too much fun trying to expose her. Alex Vause- afraid of heights- it even sounded ridiculous inside her head. At least it spared her and Piper from fighting over the seat next to the window. Although the brunette actually had the chance to sit next to the window as well, she directly had gone for the seat next to Piper. The model had given her a weird look but Alex had tried to brush it off by saying that she was too exhausted from all the sneaking and running to get onto the plane.

In fact, there was so much adrenaline pumping through her veins that was working on her like caffeine.

She didn't know that her leg was shaking until a soft hand landed on it and caught her attention.

"You okay?"

Without wanting to judge her, Alex's skills at reading people were getting the better of her and she knew exactly what Piper was thinking. That she needed a white line. Or a beautiful shot. Of course the brunette didn't want her to believe that she was having a withdrawal but she was too embarrassed to admit what the real reason was.

Yet, she didn't want to lie. Alex was no dishonest person.

"Yeah," she answered, giving the woman next to her a small smirk before she added, "it's just been some time ever since I was on a plane for the last time."

The last time she travelled by air was when she had escaped to Mexico to fuck Piper out of her life. In vain. And Piper seemed to remember her last destination, too, judged by the way the look on her face changed. Nonetheless, the position of her hand didn't and was still resting on top of Alex's upper leg. The dark-haired woman knew that they wouldn't show this kind of affection if they hadn't been in such a secluded area. Piper hadn't even let her kiss her when they had been in a car with toned windows earlier this morning. She didn't care, though. As long as she was the only who could touch and kiss her and make her come, she wouldn't care.

What a peculiar state they were in. They claimed not to be in love but made love and barely knew each other but knew each other in a way no one else would ever know them.

When she noticed that Piper was about to turn away, Alex stopped her by saying, "Maybe I should just get some sleep."

She gave her a reassuring smile, too and sank into her seat, internally fighting to keep calm. She simply hated going by plane. Yet, she would spend too much time wondering if there was anything in this world Piper couldn't make her do.

Closing her emerald eyes to make her environment invisible, something was dragging her back into it. That something was that soft hand that was still on top of her thigh and was moving dangerously close and dangerously slow towards her center.

"You think so?" Piper asked, giving her that big baby blue eyes look and let Alex know that she knew what she was doing.

She knew exactly what she was doing.

"Kid, you shouldn't mess with me."

Trying to sound as relaxed as she could to not give away the fact that she wanted to run out of the plane, her deep voice sounded raspier than usual. That only added fuel to the fire that was flaring within Piper. The blonde was always so horny for her, solely for her.

To her surprise, the model began to giggle and when her hand was about to take Alex's control away, her own cold hand firmly gripped Piper's.

With frowned brows, she was studying the blonde's face when she asked her, "What's so funny?"

As their hands were still intertwined, Piper leaned over until their faces were so close to another that Alex thought that she was leaning in for a kiss. Instead, she heard the younger woman say whose blue eyes were fixed on her red lips, "You know that the plane hasn't taken off yet, right?"

Shaking her head in confusion although she had an idea where Piper was getting at, the blonde added, "I can't believe that you're afraid of heights."

"What?! You're ridiculous," the dark-haired woman told her and scoffed before she turned her head to the side to avoid her cerulean gaze.

"Oh come on, you're not grumpy now, are you?"

"I'm not grumpy."

"Yes you are, you can't even look at me because you don't want to lie to me."

Alex heard the woman next to her eventually chuckle as she was still having her emerald eyes fixed on the floor.

"Stop laughing."

"Oh baby, you can always dish it out but never take it."

That 'baby' wasn't even meant to come out but when was the last time they didn't cross a line?

It was a good thing that they both were incapable of dealing with deep feelings and emotional stuff. That 'baby' meant nothing.

She was giving her that innocent look with angel blue eyes but right now, Piper was the devil.

Luckily, hell was Alex's second home.

"I'm not grumpy," the brunette eventually stated, this time looking the woman next to her straight in the eye.

In response, Piper raised her brows, her face the perfect presentation of disbelief as she suddenly moved her hand again that was still covered by Alex's and felt how the dark-haired woman intensified her grip.

"You're pretty tense for someone who isn't grumpy."

Piper had to admit, she was surprised by Alex's attempts to shut her down. She might be lusting for her all the time but Alex loved fucking. Almost as much as fucking up.

"I'm just really tired, kid."

After that she sank into the chair again and took her glasses off, putting them on the table in front of them. Her green eyes eventually fell shut and for a moment, she was trying to fool herself into believing that she was high and wasn't feeling a thing. Copying a state that wasn't real and only an illusion wasn't easy, though. And deleting your memory and your feelings wasn't that easy when you were sober, too. Especially when big blue eyes were boring holes into her face.

"Stop staring," Alex muttered under her breath whilst she was feeling how her heart was beating faster per second as the plane began to drive.

"I'm not staring, I'm looking at you."

"Don't."

"Why?" Piper replied softly.

"Why?"

"Yeah why?" she heard the girl next to her ask as her emerald eyes were still closed.

"Cause it's making me uncomfortable."

Although she couldn't see her, she felt how the blonde moved closer to her as she intensified her gaze and the grip of their entwined hands.

"Why is it making you uncomfortable when I look at you? Do you think that when I look at you I'm judging you or something?"

Shit, this wasn't a conversation they were supposed to have while their plane was taking off. This wasn't a conversation they were supposed to have at all.

"Isn't that what most people do?" the brunette told her and turned her head to the side for a second to look at her.

That was when she realised how close the model was to her and quickly returned to her former position, closing her eyes to the world. Unfortunately, it didn't work like that. You couldn't unsee the world.

A silent moment settled around them which only made the world around them louder and Alex was too aware of it. She knew that it was only inside her head, fuck, everything was only inside her head. Sometimes, she wondered what was even real. However, the noises inside the plane seemed to be pretty real right now as they were so loud that Alex actually wished for Piper to speak up.

As if she could read her mind, the blonde suddenly did.

"What if, when I stare at you it's cause I enjoy it?"

Needing a moment to let Piper's words sink in, she replied, in her voice a slight hint of disbelief, "You enjoy my face?"

Because of the way Alex's usual husky voice sounded rather brittle and quiet, the blonde kept staring at her in silence before she gazed at their connected hands.

"I don't know," Piper said to her as her gaze still hasn't moved.

It wasn't like Alex didn't know what kind of effects she had on both women and men. She was aware of her looks and her appearance, the way people saw her and how the mood in every room she would enter would change. Yet, it was different when it came to Piper. Piper saw more than anybody ever has, nobody has ever looked at her the way Piper did. And although she's seen so much, she was still there. And maybe, beneath all that darkness and confidence, was still that little self-conscious girl that had been bullied at school.

Eventually, she got pushed deeper into her seat and she didn't need to hear the announcement to know that they would be in the clouds in a few seconds. For someone who was usually very dead, she was feeling pretty alive right now.

Her fear was clouding her that much that she barely heard Piper say to her, "You know what? Yeah, I like your face."

Alex looked at her but was too focused on Piper and gazing at her that she didn't look through the window and wouldn't realise that they were already in mid-air.

"Is that okay?" the blonde softly added, running circles over Alex's palm with her thumb.

There were times Alex found that kind of physical affection despicable.

Now it was more like a blanket that was covering her freezing heart.

Alex wasn't aware of it but Piper could see how paralysed she was. By her words, by her anxiety, by her withdrawal or maybe by this whole situation. The model couldn't tell what it was. Nonetheless, it was written all over Alex's face. It was like Alex was Piper's puppet on a string.

That was why she sounded so disbanded when she responded, "I guess so."

Stuck in her delirium, she didn't notice when or what Piper had put in her mouth before she finally closed the distance between them and with one kiss, immobilised Alex. She wouldn't remember any of this when they would land in Paris.

* * *

When she woke up, her memory was a blank space, emptier than the bed she was lying in. She was lost and didn't know where she was. And alone. There was nothing inside her head that could remind her what had happened. She didn't use, did she? She was meant to be in Paris… with Piper. Everything was blurry as she slowly looked to her side, finding a huge window like the ones that were in Piper's apartment, too. Yet, that wasn't Piper's bed, nor Piper's place. And Piper wasn't here.

What if she couldn't contain herself and gave in and snorted something?

That would explain why Piper was gone.

Except, she wasn't.

"Look who woke up, sleeping beauty herself."

Footsteps were as far away as her voice and nothing could make less sense. Before she even managed to make her senses work, the blonde had already approached her and sat down next to her on the bed, placing Alex's glasses carefully on her nose for her.

"Everything alright? You seem kinda lost," Piper said to her, giving her a soft look that was a bit too innocent.

When she eventually sat up to lean against the headboard, she returned her blue gaze and replied, "I can't remember the last time I slept this deeply."

It was true. The shit you would kill in reality would haunt you in your dreams.

"You were in a coma," the model commented with a soft giggle.

Slowly, Alex began to remember and realised what she missed out on. Especially the flight. And how she ended up in this bed. Shit, what year was it?

With wide eyes, she asked, "How long did I sleep?"

Her question made Piper chuckle even more that she was struggling to say, "Are you kidding me?!"

As she was too confused, she couldn't form a word and only pulled her thin brows together, signaling Piper that she had no clue.

"Oh baby, you don't remember anything?"

That 'baby', she remembered it, and how it meant nothing.

"Pipes, now isn't the best time to fuck with me."

"Are you sure?" the model asked and leaned forward, her hand landing on her thigh.

In that moment Alex realised how Piper looked. She was only wearing a bath robe, her long golden hair a big wet mess and the way she was sitting in front of her now exposed more skin than before. She looked as beautiful as ever. And usually, Alex would grab her and slam her onto the mattress and make her scream until she would lose her voice. Yet, that wasn't something she wanted to do. Just like when they had been on the plane and Piper had been stroking her leg the way she was right now, she hadn't been in the mood to do something naughty. Finally, shreds of her memory returned and Alex slowly remembered everything. However, only one thing was on her mind. Why would it be so hard for her to have sex with Piper? It was like she was totally powerless and everything that would usually drive her was absent. She had an idea what might be the reason for it but, she hoped that it was something else although she was very certain to know the answer.

She needed something to fix herself again.

They would take everything away, your sadness, your anger, the bad.

But drugs would steal your life, too.

And they would kill you even more when they wouldn't be there.

 _Shit_ , she couldn't function without them.

With them, she couldn't be what Piper would want her to be and, without them, she couldn't be what Piper would need her to be.

A heartless lover. A fucker at her beck and call.

"Hey, are you okay?" the blonde softly asked, moving her hand from her thigh to her cheek.

It meant nothing. Piper shouldn't touch her like this. It meant nothing. Piper was only messing with her even more. No, she didn't mean to but, she did. Fuck, no, she couldn't.

"Piper, stop."

"What?"

Watching her pull her hand back as if she burned herself, Alex knew she wouldn't have been able to do this if she hadn't been heartless all her life. The truth always hurt.

The dark-haired woman practically escaped from the woman in front of her and quickly got up. standing with her back to Piper who was still sitting on the side of the bed. Running her hand through her black waves, she wasn't looking at her at first when she said, "Acting like we're together, acting up with me. We're no couple… and you're not my girlfriend," then she looked over her shoulder, knowing that the next words would be bullets but she eventually turned around and was looking at Piper when she shot.

"We're nothing, Piper. You're nothing more than my sex kitten, and I'm nothing more than your doll. And yeah, I'm fine with it, okay? That's all I want but stop playing with me and doing shit like you'd be my girlfriend. I just want to fuck you. That's also the only reason I'm here, 'cause you don't wanna be lonely."

 _Fuck, I'm such an asshole._

That was the first time her withdrawal made an appearance and came in contact with their relationship.

Staring at each other, Piper eventually asked, "Are you done?"

After all those things she had said, it was like she ran out of words. There was nothing she could tell Piper right now. So she just watched her get up and only managed to say her name when she started to walk away.

"Don't worry, I'm already leaving. Otherwise your sex kitten will be late for the fashion show."

That was why Piper hadn't been supposed to look at her. She would see more than she was, build up expectations, only for Alex to break them down. And that was exactly what would happen when Alex would get in her feelings. She would destroy her own and others. Only because she couldn't say _it._ 3 words.

* * *

That fight was still occupying her mind. It simply had come out of nowhere. They've been playing this game for months now, what has changed? Something must have happened that had triggered Alex to say those things she had. Yet, Piper didn't know what. She was only glad that she was so professional that nobody had seen what had been going on inside of her head. Alex's words had hurt, they had been knives and were still stuck in her windpipe and her chest. And only recalling what had happened pushed them even deeper. At least the show was over and Piper no longer needed to put on expensive clothes and a mask.

Yet, she couldn't take her thoughts off like a dress. She was wondering what Alex has been doing all this time without her. She was wondering if Alex was still in Paris. She was wondering if Alex was fucking someone else right now. It all was like a deja-vu, they ended up in their natural state again, hurting each other, fighting and hating. Maybe it was just time for them to realise that things were only normal if they wanted to kill each other and kiss each other until their lungs would burst. That was their normality. Of course it was abnormal. But for them, it couldn't be more normal.

And then she wondered what would happen if she went back to the hotel and would find Alex sitting there, not that this was very likely. Still, Piper was the one of them who would always run away. Where would she run to, though. Right now, this thing seemed to be pretty over. They had had plenty of fights in the past. Yet, this one didn't make sense. Nothing had happened. Or rather, nothing has changed. So, why was Alex so upset. Alex knew that she could turn to Piper if she was struggling, especially when it came to her addiction. Maybe they just shouldn't talk and use their mouths for something wordless like they used to. Whatever they had thought they were and weren't, only turned out to be an illusion. They were still that professional model and the stone-cold junkie.

She considered calling her. It's been over 7 hours ever since they last saw each other and even though Piper was really eager to know where she was and what she was doing, she was too proud to dial her number. And maybe she wouldn't even pick up.

So instead of depleting her mind, she filled it with even more thoughts and fears. Alex's words were a branding on her skin and she knew that she should stop touching that burning wound but there was no switch for her to just turn her mind off. If she was Alex, she knew what she would do. Nonetheless, it didn't justify why she was an addict. If Alex was there for her and wouldn't have been the one who had pushed her away and driven her into her solitude, drugs would be a joke. Nothing could heal you better than strong arms and a warm heart. Alex did have strong arms but the latter was missing and Piper shouldn't have let herself be fooled by her euphoria. Then she wouldn't have started to believe that Alex and her… whatever. It didn't matter. It was over. At least, that was what it felt like.

Stepping out of her fancy clothes, she glanced over at her mobile for a moment but made a final decision and walked over to the wardrobe, putting her jeans and top on and grabbed on her way out her purse and phone. This night, there weren't going to be any drunk calls and deep confessions.

* * *

 _We're so late nights  
_ _Red eyes, amnesia, on ice  
_ _Late nights, red eyes  
_ _Amnesia, I need ya_

 _Right now I can't see straight  
_ _Intoxicated it's true when I'm with you  
_ _I'm buzzing and I feel laced  
_ _I'm coming from a different phase when I'm with you_

It was around 4 AM when Piper came back to the hotel. She had been out with her model friends but stayed sober. The events of the former day and adding alcohol to it would created the perfect combination for her to do something she would regret. So she was quite nervous when she walked down the long hallway towards _their_ or probably _her_ hotel room. She didn't know what to expect to find on the other side of the door. Yet, what she would see was something she could have hardly expected.

After she unlocked the door, she didn't even need to but opened it carefully nevertheless. As the suite was so huge, she didn't know where to look at and was actually only searching for one thing. As the blonde stepped in closer into the room, she turned the lights on only to see what a mess they've made. Alex hasn't left. Instead, she had branded their room like Piper.

"Oh my god," the model gasped and was taking slow steps forward.

The complete place was devastated. It looked like Alex had thrown everything she could find across the room and against the walls. Flinders from bottles, vases and mirrors were spread on the floor. Not to step into one, Piper kept her shoes on and her eyes were scanning the big mess as she was walking into the bedroom. She hasn't really realised yet what had happened while she had been gone, it was too overwhelming. The door to the bedroom was open and she could see that it was bathed in complete darkness, even the curtains were drawn. Somehow, she was afraid of what she would see when she would turn the lights on so she kept moving in the black eclipse until her eyes found an even blacker silhouette.

When she saw her, she didn't know if she was relieved or angry or hurt. She didn't know what to feel. Yet, when she got closer to her and after her eyes had eventually adjusted to the darkness, she saw that the dark-haired woman was sitting on the floor, her back leaning against the bed. She didn't know how she knew but, Piper did know.

Alex was high.

For a second, she was frozen in her place and was considering to just turn around and leave. But she was definitely not going to do that. Instead, she let go of the door knob, slowly approached the woman who couldn't see her and noticed that broken glasses were on the floor in this room as well. Everything was a mess. Their hotel room was the perfect visualisation of their 'relationship'.

When she was standing at the end of the bed, still behind Alex, she hesitantly spoke up.

"Al? What happened?"

It was a stupid question but important nevertheless.

"Did you have a fun night?"

She still didn't see her face but her raspy voice and its tone made her sound even more faded than Piper had assumed.

"A funnier one than you I suppose," the blonde replied, choosing a cool response to avoid a confrontation.

But they were Alex and Piper.

When the brunette didn't say anything, Piper kept staring at the back of her head as she stated, "You're high, aren't you."

Her black silhouette moved and stood up before she answered, "So what?"

Alex walked up to her but shirked her blue gaze. They were face to face when Piper saw bits of ivory under her nose. This sight sent shivers down her spine and she took a step back before she said with a harsh tone, "So, I guess, you're not gonna apologise?"

"For what?" the brunette asked and eventually looked at her.

Her eyes were a mixture of blood, ice and emptiness.

The taller woman was looking at her emotionlessly when she told her with a slight sarcastic tone, "Oh, I don't know! Actually, I don't even know where to start. But I guess you need a little jump start anyway because you're too fucking stoned to remember anything. So maybe you should apologise for being an emotionless, heartless bitch or maybe for destroying this place. Or for making me look like the bad guy although I did nothing wrong?"

"You did nothing wrong?!" Alex exclaimed and surprised Piper by raising her voice.

"Are you fucking kidding me?! What is your fucking problem, Alex?! What did I do to make you this angry that you tore this whole place apart?"

" _You_ are my fucking problem!"

Piper could feel how she was losing her temper even faster than she used to and walked up to Alex, not willing to back down.

"Bullshit! BULL-SHIT! We both know that this is not about me, or us! This is about you! Cause guess what- I'm seeing right through you! I'm seeing right through all this fucking bullshit!"

"You don't know anything," the dark-haired woman told her and reached for the bottle that was on top of the table behind her, only to throw it against the wall next to them.

She was like a wild animal that was freed from its cage.

"Fuck you, Alex! Fuck you! I'm not your fucking property," she eventually yelled, pushing Alex violently back before she turned around.

"What?! You think that's what it's all about?!"

When she heard Alex's question, she had to turn to her again and said, filled with rage,"I KNOW that that is what it's all about! We're nothing. You just like to fuck me and I was fine with it. But I'm sick of this, I'm so fucking sick of you! We are done. You're such a fucking asshole!"

"And you're one stuck-up bitch," the black-haired woman told her but when she saw that Piper was still heading for the door, she added, "Where are you going?"

"I'm leaving you!"

"No, you're not!"

And with that, Alex stormed towards her and banged the door shut when she was standing behind Piper. When she kept her palms on the door and was still leaning against it, Piper was trapped between it and her and turned around. With poison in her voice, she demanded, "Get the fuck away from me."

Without giving her an answer, her pale ice-blue eyes kept staring at her. She didn't think of moving to the side or moving away from her and remained in her position, only eyeballing the woman in front of her.

But Piper didn't give in and held her stare as she spoke up again, "You're so full of shit, Alex. Let go of me. I'm nothing to you. Go to your drugs and get stoned and delete me from your life… let me go."

That was the point.

"I can't."

Alex's confession smashed her like those broken mirrors on the floor and she blinked her eyes a couple times when she felt plump lips capturing her own. Alex shouldn't kiss her. Alex shouldn't be this close to her. They were over. Yet, if Alex kept touching her, she knew that she would only end up under her.

"What are you doing, don't."

Piper was really trying to stop her when the brunette began to push her against the door with her own body and her cold hands rushed through her golden hair as she was biting and kissing and licking her neck. Alex was manipulating her, she was aware of it.

But she was too irresistible and after she had almost lost her, her loneliness made her final decision for her.

Her hands found her neck and when she violently tore Alex's face away, their eyes met and Piper muttered, "I hate you."

 _That was the point._

"I know," she replied breathlessly before Piper was going to drag all the oxygen out of her when she finally kissed her.

The kiss was hard and aggressive whilst their bodies were moving in a fast rhythm, Piper's back slamming against the door because of Alex's movements. Soon enough, the brunette's leg moved between the other woman's thigh and began to rock against her highly sensitive spot. Piper let out a moan because of the friction but reluctantly gathered all her willpower to push Alex away from her. The brunette stumbled backwards and only just missed a sharp fragment. Keeping their eyes on another, the model took her top off and eventually walked up to her. Alex's hands instantly found soft skin to touch and scratch while Piper connected their mouths again. Although they couldn't keep fucking away every problem they had, there was nothing else they both wanted to do right now.

The model gripped the fabric of Alex's hoodie as their tongues were battling for dominance and quickly undressed the woman in front of her. With one quick move and skilled hands, Piper's dark lace bra dropped to the floor, exposing even more skin for Alex to worship. Yet, this wasn't about worshipping. They were both angry and rookies at dealing with feelings. So they fucked their feelings and fucked each other.

As Alex was already standing at the end of the bed, Piper moved her hands to her shoulders and shoved her forward yet again so that she would land on the mattress. Without having noticed it, Alex's grip on her waist was so strong that she dragged her down with her. The blonde fell on top of her, making Alex let out a quiet moan as their nearly bare fronts collided. Alex was so high that every touch and every kiss and every contact was even more intense. Drugs could kill your sex drive. But sex on drugs was the best kill.

Their hands were roaming over each other's skin until one of Piper's came to a halt when it was at the zipper of the black-haired woman's pants. This time, the blonde managed to unzip it quite quickly and pulled her pants down, together with her underwear. Alex was lying underneath her like prey. Maybe that was what she had meant when she had said that she was Piper's doll. When the model felt her nervously move beneath her, she reached for her glasses and placed them on the nightstand before she dangerously slowly leaned down to meet Alex's lips. Before they almost touched, the blonde sat up, making Alex follow her.

But this wasn't about making love or caressing each other. This was lust, dark passion, hate-love. So Piper put her hand on Alex's chest and pushed her into mattress. A sharp breath escaped from the dark-haired woman who landed on her back and looked up at Piper with hazy eyes.

"I thought we are done?" Piper heard her ask when she was straddling her lap.

"You should shut up."

"Why? Because you say so?" the brunette said and raised a brow.

"Yes," the woman on top of her replied and began to grind against her lap, letting Alex know how wet she was.

"This is the last time."

"The last time is always the first last time."

"No Alex, after I fucked you we'll be done, for good."

"You know you will come back to me, you always do."

 _That was the point._

Piper still ran away from everything. Because she always ran to her.

Caused by Piper's movements against her lap, Alex couldn't hold back a moan and interrupted their conversation with a wordless sound. It created another deep heat inside of Piper.

"Why are you like this? Why do you have to be like this?" the model desperately asked before she leaned forward, holding her weight by placing her hands next to Alex's head.

"I could ask you the same," Alex responded and was gazing at the woman above her.

 _That was the point._

Piper eventually broke the stare and crashed their lips together while her hand moved to Alex's back to take the last piece of clothing off. Soon enough, they both were completely naked as the dark-haired woman had ripped Piper's jeans off right after she had removed her bra. Alex's hands didn't need too much time to find Piper's breasts and tightly gripped them when they did. She swallowed Piper's moans as she kept pinching her nipple. Although the blonde enjoyed it, more than she should, she disconnected their lips and grabbed Alex's wrists, pinning them next to her head against the mattress.

The blonde sat up again, holding her cold hands in place as she was starting to grind against her.

"I'm sorry," Alex suddenly muttered.

But that sorry was a high-sorry, a faded-sorry, a sorry that meant nothing.

"I don't care."

 _That was the point._

The way their wet lips came in contact when Piper moved in the right direction made her whole body tremble. And having Alex under her totally powerless and devoted, knowing that only Piper could have her like that only built up the ache in the pit of her stomach. She would miss this feeling after they would finish what they had started. She had really tried but, she couldn't handle Alex. She wished she could but the next line she would cross for her would be her own downfall.

Their eyes fell shut when Piper no longer wanted to talk nor think and used the woman under her to erase everything inside her head. She has never kissed her this hard and deep before, and that should make Alex realise that she was being serious. They were over. Piper just 'broke up' with her. Yet, she was too high to figure out what that really meant. And Piper's kisses and body were too distracting anyway. So she did what she would always do and let Piper use her. It wasn't something she hadn't done before.

The model eventually let go of Alex's hands, only to use her own to dig her nails into her ivory skin. Her fingers moved over her chest and along her ribs until they found her toned stomach. She never said it but she loved Alex's stomach. Especially the way her abs tensed up every time Piper was touching her. Something else she would miss.

"Just fuck me already," the brunette suddenly demanded, surprising the woman on top of her who has never seen her so impatient.

It was highly likely the drugs.

So Piper did as she had been told and removed her hand from Alex's torso to place it between her legs. She would do neither of them a favour if she delayed it. Her fingertips stroke her wet core and Piper watched how Alex's body reacted to it. The brunette's back jumped up, it was like the drugs had made her way more sensitive. When she finally pushed a finger inside of her, Alex's hands grabbed the sheets so tightly that her knuckles were about to turn white. Piper didn't want to tease her, though and moved her finger in a quick pace.

"Another one."

Although the blonde didn't mean to, she listened to her and added a second finger and after a few thrusts, felt how a pair of cool hands wrapped around her neck to push her down. Unlike the way Piper had, Alex kissed her tenderly and pulled her so close as if she was afraid to lose her. It was too late, though. This time, Alex couldn't just kiss or fuck away what had happened. There was nothing she could do that would change Piper's mind.

When they broke apart to fill their lungs with air, their foreheads were still touching each other and Piper was staring right into the void of dazed, cold eyes. Nevertheless, she was seeing so much in them. But Alex had made it clear that she wouldn't let that, what only Piper saw, come to the surface. It was meant to remain inside her box.

Because of the state she was in, Alex was very close to reach her climax. Piper didn't even need to do too much. However, the black-haired woman dragged her down with her hands again when she needed Piper to silence her. As they were kissing each other, the model picked up her pace and felt how the grip of Alex's hands tightened around her neck.

She knew that she pushed her off the edge when Alex's lips were dead against her own and she felt how her power left her body. Alex was boneless, even lifeless under her and Piper was gazing at her when she was falling apart, right under her. It was beautiful.

Whilst she was still panting and her eyes were still closed, Piper leaned down and left a trail of kisses along her cheek and her neck as she slowly pulled her fingers out. The brunette's hands eventually regained some strength and stroke her back until they moved up again and settled on Piper's cheeks. When the blonde noticed that her breathing calmed down, she laid down on top of her and fixed her blue gaze on her face. Alex was still high, she could see it even though her eyes were still shut. When they finally opened and fell on Piper, she was all they could take in. And Piper noticed it. Alex yet again looked at her as if she was the only person in the world, as if she was special.

When her heart couldn't take it anymore and she was on the verge to forget everything and start over again, she buried her face in the crook of Alex's neck that was still slightly sweaty. Yet, it only made things worse because Piper could inhale her, her smell was addictive.

She hadn't heard her at first but when the brunette repeated her name, Piper hoped that she would keep her composure and moved her face out of her embrace to look at her.

Loose strands that were falling into her face got pushed back by cold hands, hands of a junkie.

"Piper," she said again to have her full attention.

She let her hands drop until they found the blonde's cheeks and ran one thumb over it. And there was this look again. Pure admiration. Piper didn't want to see it. She wanted to hate Alex because, if she did, it would be easier to leave her.

Blood-stained emerald found innocent cerulean although Piper didn't want to look at her. If she did, she would get lost in that maze again, believing that everything she would find wasn't an illusion. In some twisted way, Alex got Piper high, she was her drug. That was why she wanted, needed to quit. Before it would be too late and before they would overdose and drive each other into their graves. Before they would get each other so addicted that they would no longer be able to stop. Before-

"I love you, Piper."


	19. The Masochist & The Sadist

_I know, I know. Please don't get used to such quick updates. I just don't deserve your kindness or patience, so this one's for you Xx_

* * *

 _Chapter 19: The Masochist & The Sadist (Professional Love)_

 _I thought that I was dreaming  
_ _When you said you loved me  
_ _It started from nothing  
_ _I had no chance to prepare  
_ _I couldn't see you coming  
_ _It started from nothing  
_ _I could hate you now  
_ _It's quite alright to hate me now  
_ _But we both know that deep down  
_ _The feeling still deep down is good_

"Shit."

Time was either moving fast or slow, Alex couldn't tell how long she's been waiting for her to answer. It could be hours or seconds. However, she was too determined to just give up. Especially because there was only one person she could talk to about that thing that had happened the previous night.

She never realised how annoying that sound was until now as she was waiting to hear a voice instead of that shrill, repetitive beep.

"For fuck's sake-"

"Really?"

"Nicky?"

Instead of getting a response, she heard Lorna in the background encouraging her (former) best friend not to end the call.

"First you're not even talking to my ass and now you call me and the first thing you say is 'for fuck's sake'?"

Massaging her temple, Alex was staring through the window as she was sitting on the bed in the new hotel room they had been assigned to after they had made up a story that explained the disastrous mess Alex had made. It wasn't the bed in which she had said _it._ Still, she had said _it._

"I'm sorry, Nick, really."

"For what exactly? Cause, you know, you're not really having clay feet," the woman on the other line told her.

Yet, her tone revealed that she wasn't as mad as she had been the last time they had spoken. Nicky was right, though. There were a lot of things she was sorry for.

"Look, I'm not lying when I tell you that I actually wanted to talk to you in person. About, you know, everything that happened-"

"But?"

Fine, maybe Nicky wasn't as mad but she was still angry. With great justice.

"I was afraid that you would beat the shit out of me," Alex honestly explained to her, her words coming out in an undertone of insecurity.

"You were afraid that your 5'3'' tall friend would beat the shit outta you?"

As Nicky didn't seem to have forgotten any of the shit Alex had done, the black-haired woman's usual husky voice was an octave higher when she asked, "So that means… we're still friends?"

"Alex."

Shit, she hated apologies and hard feelings. Or feelings in general. She was a complete idiot when it came to the both of it. And not even 24 hours ago she had taken the biscuit and had excelled herself.

 _I love you, Piper_.

Fuck.

"Nicky, I'm really, really sorry. I know that I was a complete dick and said and did things I shouldn't have but… I really want my best friend back."

No one would believe how hard it was for her to say that. Or how her heart had stopped beating when she had said _it._

"Are you just saying this cause you're high?"

Granted, the drugs would make her do and say things she wouldn't when she would be sober. Yet, it were never the drugs saying or doing those things.

"I'm not high."

She just wished that she was.

For a moment, Alex thought that Nicky had ended the call because there was only silence in their line until a sigh released the brunette. She knew her best friend. Once Nicky would care about someone, which wasn't that easy, she would always care about that person. And luckily, Alex was one of them.

"Just to make it clear. I haven't forgiven you yet, Sasquatch. I wanna see you on your knees in front of me, not even in a sexual way because although you're hot you're my best friend and that thing would always be between us, but more in a 'forgive me Nicky although I don't deserve your forgiveness because I'm the Queen of all assholes and you're the only true friend I've got and without you I'd be lost but I promise I will never mistreat you again'-kiss my feet kind of way. Okay?"

She would never forget that Nicky was by far the craziest person she's ever come across. It was the good crazy, though. Not that destructive madness crazy Alex had learned to embrace.

"You really wouldn't have sex with me?" the brunette eventually asked, her signature smirk on her face for the first time after _that incident._

"Honestly? You're not my type."

When Alex let out a raspy chuckle, she heard her friend say, "Which is why we're such good friends."

"Yeah, I bet that's the reason," she replied as her laugher slowly faded away.

"I'm serious, though. I want a real apology."

"I know Nichols. You'll get one. I promise."

 _Fuck, Alex, no more promises._

Last night, you had broken your biggest one.

"Yeah, well, no promises Vause. I know you way too well."

"You'll be the first person I'll visit when I'll be back in NY."

"Are you in Tijuana again?"

At first, Alex wanted to laugh because she was pretty sure that Nicky wouldn't believe her when she would tell her where she was. And what she had done.

"Actually, I'm in Paris."

"Paris? Like Paris Paris? Or are you just in Vegas and think that Eiffel Tower you're looking at right now is the real one?"

"I'm pretty certain that I'm not in Las Vegas."

"Wait, what time is it right now?"

Pulling her phone away from her ear, she looked at the screen before she lifted it again and answered, "Almost 3 PM. Why?"

"Shit Vause, you really are in fucking Europe. I have to say I was a bit suspicious when I saw that you were the one calling me so early in the morning but that's only because it's already noon where you are. How the fuck did you end up in France?! I thought you hated flying?"

"Yeah and I still do, it's just-"

 _I'm a stupid junkie who is willing to do everything for only a small dose._

 _Because I'm a junkie who's in love._

"You've already fucked every girl that lives at the east coast and that's why you gotta extend your sex radius?" her best friend said, ending her unfinished sentence for her.

"You know what, keep mocking me. I deserve it."

"Damn, kid. I didn't make you cry, did I? You're not tempting me here, right? Cause it actually seems like you grew something like a heart and I'm really eager to know what happened," Nicky told her who apparently wasn't prepared to hear the truth.

The dark-haired woman took a moment, placing her glasses on top of her head as her emerald eyes were jumping from one spot to another, as if she was searching for something. It was probably her courage because after those words had come out, they had taken her confidence with them. Alex had officially lost her weapons. She had surrendered.

Eventually, she decided to just cut to the chase and said, "Piper happened."

Her friend didn't seem to understand her, though, as she asked, "Piper? What is Piper? A new drug?"

 _Bull's eye._

"Kind of," the brunette replied nervously.

Slowly, Nicky began to realise and put two and two together.

"Hold up! Isn't that the name of that girl from that one night when we were at this club celebrating your victory? Is it that girl?"

"You really do pay attention to the things I tell you," the dark-haired woman sarcastically commented because her sarcasm was the only thing that was left for her.

After a silent break, she heard, "Are you fucking kidding me?!"

Now, it was out there, it came out in the open. Alex had feelings. And she didn't know how to handle them.

"Vause, I swear to god if you're just fucking with me and try to win me over with this shit your fear of me will be justified-"

"I told her I loved her."

...

* * *

 _Cause that girl took my heart  
_ _And I ain't want it back  
_ _No  
_ _I'm laying down my cards_

 _Cause you said it meant nothing  
_ _A_ _nd I should've kept my silence  
_ _But I guess I'm too attached to my own pride to let you know  
_ _That all these words meant nothing  
_ _And I've always been this heartless  
_ _And we were just having sex no I would never call it love  
_ _But love_

 _Oh no, I think I'm catching feelings  
_ _And I don't know if this is empathy I feel  
_ _Just hold on  
_ _Remember why you said this was the last time?_

Sex.

Drugs.

Piper.

All three things were the same. Identical. A copy of a copy of a copy. It made no difference which one Alex would come across. In the end, she would have no control. In the end, her love for each of it would kill her. Especially because they could make her do things she would never do. Like saying I love you. That haze that was her best protection had faded away and now she was facing the aftermath. Like Piper's stunning, stunned face. Or her own heart that was pumping like a machine gun and couldn't be more dead at the same time. She hadn't meant to say it, had she? However, stupid accusations and playing the blame game with herself wouldn't change anything. She had said it.

 _I love you, Piper._

Her hand that was absentmindedly stroking the blonde's cheek turned rapidly into stone and Alex wished her heart would, too. If she just never had let Piper fuck her.

Wide blue eyes, the bluest eyes Alex has ever seen because they were so blue that they could make her feel blue, captured her own eyes that began to fill with life again. This shock had hit her so hard that she hadn't been far from getting a heart attack. The drugs were still swimming through her veins but Alex has never sobered up this fast.

If Piper just said something, anything. Those were probably the longest seconds in her whole life. And this cruel silence only prolonged them.

Yet, it was her turn. Alex had already said too much.

Just when her heavy hand was about to drop, Piper pulled it back, only by saying, "What?"

Although it was so soft and so bewildered, the brunette knew that Piper had understood her.

She had heard it.

The reason she was so perplexed was solely because she could not only trust Alex but not even herself. Maybe this was just another illusion she had come across by getting lost with her, in her.

But then it came.

"You love me?"

If she didn't look so beautiful, this speechlessness in her angelic voice would have ripped Alex apart by now. But somehow, they were both frozen in their places, the model still lying on top of her in her extraterrestrial glory and Alex powerless and exposed underneath her. Words didn't come easy to the both of them, as three specific words had taken them both by surprise.

They were only gazing at each other, neither time nor the world moved, not even they themselves when Alex eventually broke the silence. There was nothing she could lose anymore but her.

Her pride and her control seemed to only be parts of her past.

"Yeah, I do… I mean, I probably have for a long time without really acknowledging it… or I was ignoring it but… I do."

She might be high but she purposefully avoided repeating those three words. One time had already been too often.

The expression on Piper's face hasn't shifted and Alex started to believe that the blonde might be even more surprised than she herself.

She couldn't even sit up when Alex propped herself up on her elbows. Unlike Alex, their eyes didn't move but lingered on each other when the black-haired woman hesitantly suggested, "Do you want me to take it back? We can just forget about it and you'll just go your way and I'll go mine and I'll leave you alone and you'll never hear-"

"Did you mean it?" the model suddenly cut her off.

Pulling her thin brows together, she asked dazedly, "What?"

"Did you mean it when you said you loved me?"

Although she had just admitted that she really did love her, Alex confirmed it a second time.

"Yes."

"Then you can't take it back."

 _Yeah, she already thought so_.

If someone was the master of handling things completely wrong, it was her.

Green was still colliding with blue when she asked the model, "So, what do you want me to do?"

To be honest, Alex couldn't figure out what was going on behind Piper's facade. It was the very first time she couldn't read her and it was incredibly maddening. She was having a tough time of it with accepting this whole nightmarish situation. And in addition, Piper had to increase it by not doing anything.

As the blonde remained silent, just like her body, Alex turned out to be the only one who could carry the weight of her words, of this room, and of themselves and eventually said, "Look, it probably means nothing to you because I did lines and I'm still high and you told me that we are over and then you fucked me and I just lost it. I know that you're thinking that I just said it because I don't want you to leave me and that this is some fucked up mind game… I mean, I'm a junkie, right? Someone who does anything and would even kill for only one shot but… I never told anyone that I loved them. I never said that… because I never did. I never loved anyone, Piper. No matter what the circumstances are, no matter if I'm high or sober, shit, I never even meant to say it, I'm both surprised and confused by me, too, but… I do love you."

When Piper was looking at her even more stunned than before, she added, "I don't even expect you to say it back or anything. I know that my I love you means shit to you-"

The blonde abruptly cut her off, perhaps even to her own good because all those words were dangerous and close to taking her over yet again. And Piper's lips were soft enough to stop it.

So she tenderly returned the kiss and raised that stoned hand to place it on its former place, dragging the woman on top of her closer.

* * *

...

"And then?" her best friend impatiently asked.

"We had sex."

"Really? That's it? You tell her all this deep stuff and you guys just _have sex_?"

"That's… our thing," Alex informed her and let out an exasperated sigh.

"You kids are fucking wild, I'm serious. You two are made for each other."

"If you mean made for each other to kill each other then, yes, we are," the jet-haired woman told her as she got up from the bed and began to walk through the new suite.

"Jesus, where's your humour, Colossus? This girl has made you grow soft… and I'm not sure if I can handle your pathetic, melancholic, sensitive self.  
I mean, your asshole self is already pretty exhausting but an asshole with feelings-"

"You're not really helping, Nichols," the brunette interrupted her and heard her chuckle.

As she was still laughing, she replied, "Wait, you yourself said that you deserved my mocking so stop whining you giant baby… but hey," she eventually added, sounding serious, "I'm proud of you. Shit, Alex fucking Vause said to a pretty girl that she loves her, it's almost cute."

When her best friend lost her composure and burst out laughing again, Alex was standing in front of the huge window in the living room, watching the busy streets and said, "I'm glad that my suffering amuses you."

"God, Vause, you're such a sensitive bitch. Did it ever occur to you that this thing, that happened to you is, I don't know, a common thing? That this 'falling in love and having feelings'-thing is human? And that you're not the only idiot out there who stumbles upon it? It's normal, you know?"

Well, everything between her and Piper was far from normal. It was abnormally normal.

Suddenly, her friend asked, "Or are you just pissed that she didn't say it back?"

To her own surprise, it didn't bother her that Piper hadn't said it back. She definitely never would. However, maybe, deep down, Alex would never want her to say it back because she only needed Piper to know how she felt and why she no longer wanted her to mess with her.

"I know that she doesn't love me if that's what you mean. Mostly, she hates me and that's what she should do all the time but, of course, I had to fuck everything up and make it all worse," the brunette told her, sounding a bit tired and leaned with her shoulder against the cold window.

Maybe Nicky would finally understand the trouble she was in.

"Wow, and all this time I've been thinking that I'm messed up. You guys are really complicated, did you know that?"

Letting out a dead short chuckle, the black-haired woman said, "Tell me something new."

"Wait, how did you even survive that flight? Just thinking about it usually makes you pee your pants."

She let out a deep breath before she explained, "I don't really remember. We got on the plane and I was kinda freaking out… I think she noticed it and the last thing I recall is that she kissed me and slipped a pill or something in my mouth. And then I woke up in the hotel room."

"She drugged you?"

"Yeah, I guess… we haven't really talked about it yet."

"You guys never really talk, do you?"

 _There were better things they used their mouths for._

When the black-haired woman remained silent, Nicky asked, "Where is Piper right now?"

"She's at a photo shoot."

"Have you seen her today? I mean, like, her face… not only her-"

"Shut up you pervert. No I haven't. After the sex we both fell asleep and when I woke up she was gone… but she left me a note to let me know where she'd be."

"That's so cute."

"Nicky, I really need your advise, okay? You're the only person I can talk to right now."

"Damn, you truly know how to wrap us girls around your finger-"

"Nicky," she warned her one last time.

"Okay, okay. Look, Sasquatch. I'm being serious when I'm telling you that I'm happy that you finally found someone who doesn't only fuck with you but with your head and heart, too. Don't you dare interrupt me right now 'cause yes, I know it sounds weird but the point is important. I know how much you love yourself, that's why you think the drugs are the love of your life. I mean, I've been there, too, you know that. You think drugs are the only things that can make you feel this good and to be honest, they are the only things that can make you feel that special, unique kind of good. But I can tell that Piper can make you feel good, too. And I'm pretty sure that she makes you feel even very good. Just like the drugs. Only in another way. Damn, kid, you'd do anything for some H. And now you're telling me that you told a girl that you loved her and you don't even care that she didn't say it back because that's not what's important. It was your priority to tell her how you feel… and how she makes you feel… Shit, Vause, you're a junkie. And yet, you believe you're the only one who fell for the greatest drug."

Nicky's words made sense. And they both knew it. Still, Alex was lost in her helplessness her feelings had gotten her in. Where should she- where should _they_ go from here?

"What am I supposed to do? Cause I've got no fucking clue."

"Well, what do you want?"

Nicky made it all sound so simple.

But it wasn't.

 _Was it?_

"What do you mean, _what do I want_?"

"I'm not suggesting an ultimatum here because I know that you would break her heart and your own, too because of your decision. What I'm asking is, do you want to love her?"

Her forehead was in wrinkles because she was simply too confused to understand what her friend was getting at.

"If I want to love her? Nicky, what the-"

"Sorry, I forgot that you're an innocent rookie. Falling in love is not a choice, kid. But it's up to you if you let that love live or if you kill it."

"So, you're practically asking me if I wanna stay with her to show her that my 'I love you' didn't mean nothing or if I just let it go and let her go… is that what you mean?"

"Maybe there's still hope for you… you're a pretty quick learner."

Ignoring Nicky's comment, a thousand scenarios were flashing in front of her emerald eyes that showed her every possible outcome. Eventually, she realised that there was still some control left for her that she could take back. It was truly up to her what she would do with her love.

She jumped away from the window when she heard that the front door of their suite opened. Without needing to check, she knew whose blue eyes were locked on her right now. As she was too lost in all this haze of her thoughts, she nearly didn't hear Nicky on the other side of the line saying, "Earth to Vause? You still with me?"

When the brunette turned around, her breath got caught in her throat because, how could someone be so breathtakingly beautiful. It was illegal.

Their gazes eventually found each other as they always would and Alex was no longer really there when she stuttered, "Yeah, uh sorry, it's just-"

"She's standing in front of you, isn't she?"

Although her best friend couldn't see her, she nodded her head and heard Nicky make some inappropriate remarks until the line went dead.

And yet again, she wished her heart would, too.

* * *

For the very first time, their silence was uncomfortable. They both were afraid to say too much or nothing at all. Yet, if they kept their mouths shut even longer, it would only be a matter of time until they would break this stillness with moans and cusses. This dangerous tension between them was always there. It was like their invisible, invincible bond that would tear them together again, even if they ran away from each other. And if one of them fell, the other would as well.

And Alex wasn't the only one who was familiar with this bond. Piper knew it, too. She just couldn't let Alex go. Last night, she had wanted to, and she had tried, and she had almost done it. But then the brunette had showed up to a fist fight with a bomb and had dropped it right on her. And when a gun was pointed at your temple, you couldn't do anything but listen. Piper had heard her. She had heard words that she couldn't forget, just like she couldn't forget Alex. Although she had been struck by lightning, the realisation afterwards had hit her even harder nonetheless.

She had only needed to hear _I love you_ and all her strength and sanity and composure had dissolved into thin air. This hold the brunette had on her was lethal. But her broken heart didn't know that it was love.

They both could basically feel how the clock was ticking. When Alex couldn't take it anymore, she shoved her phone into the pocket of her jeans and approached the woman across from her. When they were face to face and solely this peculiar mood between them could create a firm distance, the black-haired woman cleared her throat before her green gaze landed on Piper as she casually said, "Hey."

It has never been harder for Alex to talk to her.

Eventually, it seemed like life returned to the blonde's shell as she blinked her sky-blue eyes and slightly raised her chin. Professionalism filled her shell, Alex could see it and watched the blonde whilst she was waiting for her to speak up. Again, Piper's silence was the best punishment because it was the worst. As if she slugged down her pride, the model swallowed and finally said, "Hi."

To the brunette's surprise, it didn't sound as cold as she had expected. Actually, it sounded soft.

Without knowing how it would always drive Piper crazy, Alex grabbed her glasses and placed them on top of her head. And without her knowing it, Piper knew that it meant that she was nervous. Neither of the two meant to make it awkward and tense between them. Yet, Alex couldn't take back what she had said and Piper couldn't just forget.

Scratching her arm subconsciously which didn't go unnoticed by the blonde, she asked, "How was the shooting?"

"Good."

"Cool."

Sex would take the edge off the tension instantly but if they kept fucking each other to avoid any kind of confrontation and confession, they would lose their minds.

Letting out a sigh, Alex finally pointed at the elephant in the room.

"I think we really need to talk."

The blonde only nodded in response and followed the taller woman when she walked over to the big couch. When Piper sat down, Alex was still standing as she was struggling to keep calm. It was like she was on a plane. And this time, she knew that she would crater.

So she kept walking up and down, right in front of Piper who felt like she was watching a black panther that was trapped in a cage. The jet-haired woman put her glasses on her nose again and when she ran a hand through her dark hair, Piper suddenly said, "You're making me nervous, Al."

The blonde's words released her from her paralysed state and she was knocked out of the skies.

"Sorry," she mumbled absentmindedly.

She has never apologised this much in her whole life.

And Piper was aware of it, too.

"Stop apologising."

"Sorry."

Right now, Alex was forlornness in person. She was lost and only floating through the mess of her thoughts. Withdrawal and anxiety were driving her. Somehow, one thing was missing, though.

Eventually, she was painfully aware of her demeanor and regained some control and composure. She hated to be out of control. And lately, she's been losing a lot of control around Piper; not that it was something new. So she sat down on the coffee table opposite to the golden-haired woman and faced the truth.

"Do you still want me to leave?" she asked, avoiding her cerulean eyes.

This time, Piper didn't need so much time to give her an answer.

"No."

Alex's eyes immediately shot up and met the other woman's gaze. All this time she had been thinking that she knew Piper, only to come to the realisation that she used to know her. Alex has changed her.

"I can understand why you were feeling like I was only playing with you… I mean, I didn't know that you had such feelings _for me_. So it kinda makes sense why you said what you said and acted the way you did."

"I shouldn't have let it out on you, that was wrong, and I'm sorry for what I said to you," Alex replied to her after a moment. "They're my feelings and not yours. I should be the one dealing with them, and not you."

A small smile appeared on the blonde's face, instantly lifting Alex's heart, and she said, "I guess we're both idiots when it comes to dealing with feelings."

"Yeah, we kinda are," Alex responded dreamily with a smirk as well.

Slowly, the mood began to shift and their shoulders felt a bit lighter. It was impossible to change the past, it would only be a waste to get stuck in it and they both started to realise it. Sure, Alex's words hurt, and those specific eight letters touched her the most, not even time was able to make Piper think about them less.

As their smiles faded away, Alex was looking at her, her eyes green like hope as she asked, "So, what now? Where do we go from here? I mean, if I could, I would take back what I said-"

"All of it?"

Shit, the black-haired woman knew what she meant.

When she didn't speak up, the blonde did. "I know that you were high, Alex. If you hadn't been, you would have never said it, I know that. Still, you said that you meant it but… I'll try to forget it if you want me to."

Ever since those words had come out, there was nothing else Alex has wanted but Piper to just forget them, to erase them and wipe them out. Now, she wasn't so sure anymore, though.

"Piper, I-"

Just as she was about to share her decision, she got cut off by the ringtone of Piper's mobile.

"Sorry," the model mumbled but before Alex could reply, she got up and was already talking to the person on the phone.

Although the brunette couldn't hear the caller, she could tell that it was a business call. Piper was standing a few feet away from her, nodding her head and agreeing with whatever the other person was telling her. After a couple minutes, she returned and gave the dark-haired woman an apologetic look.

"The fitting for the fashion show tonight is a bit earlier… I'm sorry but I gotta go now," the blonde informed her and stepped up to her as she was still sitting on the coffee table.

Alex was looking up at her when she leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek before she turned around and said, "I'm really sorry… but we'll talk later, okay? I don't know yet when I'll be back, probably late at night-"

"I'll wait for you," the black-haired woman reassured her and smirked at her.

In return, Piper smiled as well as she walked to the front door and left.

When the door fell shut, and Alex was yet again alone with her thoughts and feelings, she muttered under her breath, "Fuck."

She was so fucked up.

She loved her so much.

* * *

She did feel bad for skipping out on Alex like that but she had had no choice. This show tonight had been the most important one and she couldn't venture any mistakes. Alex has been the only thing on her mind and she has been thinking about her so much that she had even believed to have seen her in the audience when she had been on the runway. In the end though, it was just another one of those beautifully dangerous illusions.

And maybe it was her tiredness that was fooling her as well. All she wanted to do was getting her make-up off, driving to the hotel and falling into bed. Sleep wouldn't find her easily, though. Her and Alex still had to have _that_ talk, it was the talk that was the complete collection of every talk they should have had but had fucked and kissed away. She couldn't tell what would happen afterwards.

Was she still going to leave Alex?

Would she stay with her?

Were they going to continue their wicked games?

Would Alex's words change anything?

Alex was the only who has ever said those words to her. Yet, that was also why she wasn't sure if she could trust them, if she could trust her. Alex herself had told her not to trust her. She was a drug-addict. And when she had said those words to her, she had been on drugs. Piper didn't know that she herself was that drug, though. But Alex had also told her that she had meant it. Shit, the blonde's head was a mess. Her train of thoughts had no beginning and no ending, only one constant. Alex.

"You were fabulous today my love!" her make-up artist suddenly said, pausing her mind.

She met his gaze in the mirror in front of her and smiled at him sheepishly as she sat down.

"Thanks Pierre."

"Everyone fell in love with you again."

 _If he knew._

Biting her bottom lip, she suppressed a desperate chuckle and leaned into the chair. As soon as she tried to relax, her heart and brain were working louder than screams and Piper knew that she wouldn't get a break from either of it. She wondered what would happen if she went back to the hotel. She wondered what her decision would be if she faced her. Before she had left Alex, she had said to her that she didn't want her to leave. It didn't mean that she wanted to stay with her, though. If she could, she would have packed all her things by now and would never see her again. But she wasn't able to do that. And maybe she also didn't want to. Yet, she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay with her. Alex was a walking rollercoaster. As exciting as it was, it could be as dangerous. Alex was either everything or nothing. Dead or full of life. An asshole or the best lover she ever had. She was the only one who was there for her, and still let her down. And Piper wasn't certain if she could handle it. She didn't know if she could handle Alex. Back then, she had known about the drugs, about her reputation, about her lifestyle. And she hadn't cared. But now she did, and what was even worse, she cared about Alex.

So, what was she supposed to do. Let her go and never find that thing that solely Alex could give her in anyone else or let herself get lost and be forever trapped in that emerald-eyed maze? People have mistreated her before and although Alex could hurt her more than anyone else, she was the only one who could heal her and put her together again. This thing between them was beating her black and blue and Piper enjoyed it. Maybe she was just a masochist and Alex was her perfect sadist. She never experienced love so maybe that was what love was supposed to be like. Death and reincarnation. It killed her every morning and brought her back to life every night. And Alex was her disease and her cure, she was the weapon that killed her and the reanimation machine that made her heart beat again. She was under her spell.

Yet, her heart was too bruised to recognise it as _love._

She was still busy figuring out what it meant for her that Alex loved her. Alex, who was into drugs and sex and couldn't care less about anything and anyone. Someone who loved herself so much that she needed drugs to satisfy herself. And yet, such a narcissistic, selfish, dickish junkie fell in love with _her,_ a girl who looked and lived like an angel. She had been so innocent before her. She had been so lifeless before her. That Pre-Alex time had been her cage. Although she had stumbled into another prison that had dark, long hair and was wearing glasses and was taller than most girls, she has never felt more free. Around Alex, she felt like she could do and say whatever she wanted to without fearing to not be loved. Well, it had been part of their deal that they wouldn't fall in love but Alex was a junkie after all. Their promises meant nothing. Yet, maybe their love did. Some meatheads were streetwalkers for their love of drugs, others were criminals. If addiction wasn't the greatest kind of love there was, no love would be real, love wouldn't be real, only a perfect illusion.

As she was still wondering if she could trust someone who would sell their entire family for a little white bag, she didn't notice that someone had entered the room. Maybe some illusions just pretended to be illusions.

"I didn't know that you were expecting someone, honey," she heard Pierre say and eventually looked into the mirror.

Those green eyes would be the death of her.

Their eyes only had to meet in a reflection and they would already get lost in each other. And her make-up artist seemed to be aware of it.

Clearing his throat, he finished taking her make-up off and said with a chuckle, "I've never felt this unwelcome."

Piper instantly, yet reluctantly, broke free from her spell and was about to speak up when the curly-haired man said, "I'll leave you two alone."

Before he left the room, he smiled at her and walked past the brunette who stepped aside to let him pass. When they were left alone, not even a second passed and they began to drown in their togetherness. Piper was still sitting in her chair and was watching the black-haired woman who was approaching her, holding her gaze in the mirror. As she was eventually standing behind her, the blonde was staring at her reflection, finding in those beautiful eyes no drugs and said with a soft smile, "Hey."

"Hey yourself," Alex replied, giving her that typical smirk.

With a teasing tone in her voice, the model asked, "Did you miss me too much or why are you here?"

Actually, Alex did but she was too tired of being controlled by her feelings. So she lowered her already husky voice and intensified her gaze when she casually stated, "Big empty suites can be pretty boring."

Pouting her lips, she heard the blonde say, "Aw, baby don't wanna be lonely."

"No, I just hate being bored," Alex informed her and frowned her brows.

The way Piper was looking at her, though, was making it hard for her to hold back a smile. And the way they were talking to each other and returned to their familiar banter made them almost forget 8 specific letters.

Finally, the model stood up and turned around, almost colliding with Alex who was suddenly standing right in front of her, only a few inches away. As Piper was still wearing her heels, they were on eye-level for the first time and the black-haired woman was looking her straight into her azure eyes when she told her, "You looked pretty hot out there."

"So I did see you in the audience," Piper instantly said, the realisation written all over her face.

And yet again, Alex realised how fucked up she was.

"Well, yeah, dummy. I'm unique."

"Why didn't you tell me that you would come?"

"Boredom makes you creative… and spontaneous," the brunette casually informed her, her smirk still on her face.

"Jerk," Piper eventually replied with a mischievous smile and was about to playfully push the woman in front of her away.

But Alex was a MMA fighter after all and, as she saw it coming, grabbed Piper's slim wrist with her hand and swiftly pulled her closer. Overwhelmed by the sudden closure, the blonde's eyes immediately flickered to Alex's lips and turned a darker shade of blue.

"I think you missed _me_ a bit too much, kid," the black-haired woman said, her voice so raspy and her tone so teasing that it sent shivers down the model's spine.

Whilst she was still holding Piper's wrist, she used her free hand to touch the spot between her thighs, making the blonde gasp. The brunette instantly pushed the woman in front of her against the wall and moved her hand inside of her pants that were a bit too tight. Another moan fell from Piper's lips and when the brunette's fingers were close to her mound, she leaned in to whisper into her ear, "How much did you miss me, baby?"

 _Their wicked games were on again._

Piper lived for the pain and Alex was knives and guns and poison and war. They were so shameless, and careless. She needed Alex, even if she hated her. She wanted Alex, even if the brunette was killing her. And luckily, Alex was so full of anguish, destruction and consumption that Piper would overdose on it someday. Until then, she was going to get high as often as she could.

Slim fingertips eventually reached her highly sensitive clit, so carefully that it was driving her insane. So she moaned a second time and Alex was staring at her so intently that she could see the ache in her dark blue eyes. Piper was already in a trance but was eventually dragged out of it when the dark-haired woman stopped moving her fingers.

For a second, they were just gazing at each other until the model wrapped one hand around her neck and crashed their lips together. She knew that they were still in her dressing room. But all she was aware of were Alex's hands and lips. The brunette unhesitatingly returned the kiss and finally started to move her fingers, placing them closer to her wet lips. Piper's tight pants were an obstacle, though. So, as they were still consuming each other with their mouths, Alex let go of Piper's wrist and pulled her other hand out of her trousers. Because of the sudden loss, Piper broke the kiss but kept her eyes shut and placed her forehead against Alex's to recover some stability. When she noticed that Alex only removed her hand to unzip her pants, she placed her both hands around her neck, this time a bit rougher and captured her lips in a deep kiss. For a short moment, Alex was bamboozled, her hands suddenly stone before the blonde's hot kisses resuscitated them.

When her trousers finally dropped to the floor, Alex's hands found her wet core again and when she grabbed her underwear to tear it down, Piper desperately bit on Alex's bottom lip to hold back a moan. She buried her fingernails in the thin skin of the brunette's neck, and this time Alex was the one who was struggling to breathe steadily. Alex's fingers were touching her like feathers and her impatience was killing her. And Alex was fully aware of it.

Suddenly, the jet-haired woman broke the kiss and when her blue eyes shot open, she saw that Alex had dropped onto her knees in front of her as if she was her religion. As she knew that hungry look in her emerald eyes, she breathlessly said, "Al, I gotta shower first."

"We'll shower later," the brunette said with her husky voice and put her cold hands on her thighs.

Goosebumps immediately covered her flawless skin and she had to lean her head back when she felt Alex's breath against her soaked lips. They were even wetter when the black-haired woman used her hot tongue to slowly taste her. She heard her name falling from the other woman's lips, and she instantly had to smirk. And Piper knew her.

"Stop smirking asshole."

Piper's comment only made her smirk grow before she eventually captured her clit with her mouth. This sensation was so overwhelming that it controlled the blonde's hands which desperately needed something to hold onto. They found black hair and although her grip was quite tight, Alex was immune to the pain and kept consuming her. She couldn't even understand why Piper thought that she needed to take a shower first. She hasn't really tasted her yet but could tell by the smell that she was going to savour her.

"Alex, we shouldn't… not here," the model suddenly breathed out when Alex slowly began to kiss her wet lips.

Before she pulled back to look at her, she slightly pushed her tongue inside of her, making Piper let out a shaky breath.

"Do you really want me to stop?"

 _Of course not._

When Piper couldn't speak but only pushed her between her thighs again, Alex smirked and said against her front bottom, "Yeah, I already thought so."

Piper meant to speak up but when Alex's tongue finally filled her, she forgot all words and just managed to let out a wordless gasp. She dropped the teasing and didn't hesitate to thrust inside of her at a rapid pace. As she was drowning in Piper's unique ocean, she barely noticed how the blonde's hands clung onto her hair even harder. Neither did she notice that Piper could hardly stand because her knees were almost too weak. She was holding onto the woman who was kneeling in front of her for dear life. Alex was her rock.

As she was fucking her with her tongue, Alex once again realised that she could live off her until the day she would die. She could taste the stress and hecticness Piper had had to face today. Yet, it made her even more irresistible. Piper tasted like pure sex, the best she ever had. Even if she didn't love her, she couldn't be with someone else. That was how bad the blonde had wrecked her. She used to have sex with every pretty girl she had laid her eyes on. But now, if she did have sex with someone who wouldn't be Piper, she couldn't call it sex.

Piper was sex and drugs.

And Alex was her junkie.

But right now, Alex was finally in control again and could have the woman above her in every way. Shit, she even let her fuck in the dressing room of the fashion show. That wasn't professional. Nonetheless, she could tell that Piper was struggling not to lose her professionalism. Usually, she would cuss and moan as loudly as she could. Especially when Alex's tongue was deeply buried inside of her. This time, though, all that fell from her lips were quiet gasps and pointless whispers. But Alex knew that she was fucking her right. She could tell it by the way she felt the model's thighs tremble in her hands and by the way her inner walls tightened and nearly clenched her tongue.

Alex loved the way she could always taste on her tongue that Piper was close. And she loved the way Piper said her name whilst her whole body was shaking. And she loved the way only she herself could make Piper feel this way. And she loved her so much that she didn't care that Piper would never love her, too. And she loved her so much that she would quit for her. Not today, not tomorrow, not in this life. But in another life, at another time, she would be everything Piper would want and need her to be. Unfortunately and yet luckily, they had met in this life.

The mixture of cusses and her own name echoed through the room and when Alex eventually hit that spot that was like Piper's kryptonite and would rip her apart, the blonde came, so hard that Alex lost some black strands.

"Oh my god," she heard the model say as she was licking her clean.

She put Piper's clothes back on before she got back on her feet and was looking at hazy blue eyes. Giving her a devious smirk, she knew that the blonde would want to kiss it away any second. When she eventually did and could taste herself on Alex's lips, another moan was about to escape from her. The brunette's lips found her hips and she was deepening the kiss, she leaned into the younger girl, pressing her against the wall.

If Piper hadn't been so professional, neither of the two would have noticed that the door to their room suddenly opened. The model instantly broke the kiss but as the person was already standing in the dressing room, Alex hadn't tried to jump away and just buried her face in the crook of Piper's neck.

"Oh sorry… I didn't mean… I didn't know that you're not alone," the other model said with wide eyes.

Although she couldn't see her face, Alex knew that the blonde's face had to be covered in blush. It was a surprise that she wasn't stuttering when she replied kindly, "No, it's okay. What do you want?"

 _Professional Piper, in all her glory._

"There's a new club, only a couple blocks from here and we wanted to ask you if you'd like to join us… butI guess you're already quite busy."

The brunette had to suppress a laugh when she heard Piper say, "Yeah, I'm kinda up for a chill night… but tell me if you had fun so I might come with you next time."

"Sure Pipe," the other model said and eventually walked out of the room.

As soon as the door was closed, Alex couldn't hold back anymore. Chuckling, she moved her face away to look at the woman in front of her.

" _You're kinda up for a chill night_?" she asked, mimicking her voice.

"Bite me," Piper replied and shoved her playfully away.

"I already have but if you're in for a second round, sure."

As Piper was taking her coat on, she turned around, seeing that Alex was approaching her like a predator but told her with a smile, "Not here."

When the brunette gave her a disbelieving look, she quickly added, "Seriously."

"Fine," Alex said, sounding rather upset.

The model saw that she was pouting, Jesus, she could be so dramatic, and walked up to her to give her a soft kiss before she grabbed her hand and left the building with her.

 _What does it mean  
_ _When your heart's already numb  
_ _You're professional  
_ _Won't treat it like it's personal  
_ _No, cause it's just love  
_ _It always makes its way back around  
_ _It's dispensable  
_ _To fall is unacceptable_

* * *

Her latest Alex dose was by far the most dangerous one she had taken. Because she had forgotten. She had forgotten the world and that she belonged to it. So, when they stepped out of the huge building and walked out into the darkness of the night, camera lights instantly illuminated them, especially Piper who felt the chains around her wrists and neck again. Without hesitation, she let go of Alex's hands and hoped that nobody had seen them walking out, looking like a couple. Because they wouldn't even lie if they claimed not to be together. Alex immediately looked over her shoulder when she noticed the sudden loss and, although she knew the reason, searched for the blonde's eyes. But she kept her chin down to maintain a low profile and was following Alex to her car.

If she didn't love her so much, she would be hurt.

Every time those cameras and paparazzi surrounded them, the tables turned. Whilst Piper was lifeless and her natural temper was dead, Alex's feelings aroused. Bad feelings, though. Like anger and rage. Because all those brainless photographers could do was invading their personal space and talking to them as if they knew them. And every single time, Alex tried not to care. She never did. But as soon as she would step out and would be encircled by cockroaches, she would be relocated to a cage. She was a MMA fighter. And what every MMA fighter did when they would be trapped in a cage was fight.

Yet, Piper was right behind her and she tried to focus solely on her. She hated such kind of contact but right now, Alex wanted nothing more than to grab Piper's hand again and drag her away from those hunters. But she couldn't. Although she tried not to pay attention to whatever lie any of them was spreading, Alex heard her own name and something about her drug addiction. And about her failed career. And of course, something about her mother, too. She wasn't sure but they said something like if her mother was disappointed. If she ever thought about what she putting her own mother through. What they actually meant was, _why are you such a reckless, selfish asshole?_

Even though the camera lights blinded them, they were familiar with them and Alex knew that they would be in the car in a couple seconds. They weren't far away. But Piper was far away. The brunette noticed it when she looked over her shoulder once again and couldn't find golden, long hair. Instead, cameras were held right into her face and she quickly turned around to search for the blonde in all this mess. She wanted to call for her but she wouldn't hear her anyway.

So she pushed those nosy cockroaches aside and walked back, looking for Piper. Fortunately, she didn't need to search for her for too long as the blonde was already walking towards her. Nevertheless, Alex kept approaching her until she reached out for her and placed one hand on her cheek. She didn't care that people were seeing them. And Piper apparently didn't as well as she met the brunette's concerned gaze. When they were close enough, Alex was stroking her cheek as she asked, "Are you okay? What happened?"

"Nothing," the blonde told her and gave her a small smile.

Yet, Alex didn't buy it and looked behind her, seeing faceless paparazzi who were hiding behind their cams. She didn't know why but, as she was staring at one particular photographer, she said, "Did he push you?"

"It's fine, Al. I'm fine," Piper reassured her and was about to start walking again.

Alex on the other hand was having different plans and dropped her hands to ball them into fists as she was walking towards that son of a bitch. She didn't need absolute confirmation that he had had his ugly hands on her.

Whilst she was in this sea of cameras, she tore the tool out of his hands and smashed it onto the ground before she asked loudly enough, "Did you push her?"

As they were face to face, Alex knew that he had heard her and still, he kept quiet, nonetheless.

"Don't make me repeat myself," she warned him, this time slightly gritting her teeth.

The crowd around them instantly grew louder, yelling words that only added fuel to the fire inside of her. Not even Piper could cool her down when she grabbed her arm to pull her away.

"Al, come on, it's okay."

She didn't mean to, but to free herself from her grip, she pushed her arm so violently away that Piper stumbled backwards. Sometimes, she forgot how strong she was. And how impulsive.

"Listen to your trainer, tiger," he eventually said, a disgusting smile on his face.

"Al," Piper tried again but it was too late.

They had released the beast.

Faster than anyone's eyes could follow, the brunette hauled off and hit him right in his face. There was a noise that sounded like a few bones breaking and she had beat him so hard, that he almost fell on his back. She didn't even know why she was this angry. Maybe it was all bottled up inside of her, as it had always been and this guy was lucky enough to be the final straw. To her surprise, that guy got back on his feet, looking almost as angry as her and stormed towards her. This time, though, Piper managed to drag Alex away as a few other paparazzi pushed him away as well. When they reached the car, neither of the two said anything. The complete ride to the hotel was silent. It was yet again that uncomfortable silence.

* * *

 _Because your freedom was here in this cage all along  
_ _How did you drain all the soul from your eyes  
_ _How did you teach, teach yourself how to smile  
_ _In a world where your dreams can't be real, no_

There were sides and parts inside of her that she didn't want anyone to see. Especially not her. And yet, she couldn't contain herself and unwillingly showed Piper her vulnerability, her addiction, and her anger. Sometimes, she would even let her feel them. Out there, she had been out of control, a slave of her emotions and lost it. Just like last night.

Ever since they had gotten out of the car and into their hotel room, they've been carrying on this awkward silence. And Alex was solely waiting for Piper to kick her out. But it didn't happen. Or rather, it hasn't happened _yet_. Whilst she was sitting on her side of their bed, having too many thoughts deranging her, Piper had locked herself in the bathroom and was getting ready to go to bed. Sleep wasn't on Alex's mind, though. Her head was full of drugs she hadn't taken and things she shouldn't have done and words she couldn't take back. Regret was on her mind. And Piper's reticence was only making her mind heavier. She was so glad that Piper didn't love her.

As she placed her glasses on the nightstand next to her to massage her temples, the door to the bathroom opened and light foot steps let Alex know that the model was coming closer to her. She wasn't running away from her. She should. Actually, Alex thought that she would.

The mattress underneath her moved and Piper pulled the sheets back, eventually lying down and covering herself in the blanket. Although those stunning blue eyes weren't on her, Alex knew that Piper wouldn't sleep, either. Not as long as they would finish _that_ talk. She ran a hand through her ebony hair before she looked over her shoulder, and asked the, by far, most unnecessary question.

"Are you still awake?"

The lights in the room were already off, and the moon was their only light in this dark night. Just like Piper was Alex's light in her darkness.

"No," she eventually softly replied. "You?"

The smallest smirk came to life on Alex's face as she said, "Kinda."

Piper has been surprising her a lot lately.

The black-haired woman let out a deep breath, one that wasn't deep enough, though, as her lungs were still suffocating from her thoughts and actions, and she eventually fully turned around. She was gazing at the woman next to her when she sincerely told her, "You probably won't believe me… and you're probably tired of hearing this… but I'm sorry."

Saying those words made her feel like the stupidest person in the complete universe.

When the blonde eventually returned her gaze, Alex continued.

"To be honest, I've got no fucking clue what I'm supposed to say."

She interrupted herself to let out a sarcastic scoff before she added, "No matter what I'm gonna say, it's gonna sound like bullshit… I'm a fucking idiot."

And for perhaps the hundredth time this day, the golden-haired woman managed to surprise her.

"And yet, you're still here… with me."

Alex's eyes shot up again after she had dropped her head and could see in Piper's clear blue eyes that she was tired. Not of her, though.

Although she was afraid of the answer, given that there was even an answer, she asked nevertheless, "Why?"

 _Because Piper loved her, too._

Her heart just didn't know it.

"Who else is gonna save me from pushy paparazzi?"

Another surprise.

Alex let out a soft chuckle but she knew that she didn't deserve Piper's kindness, or her patience, or her. So her smile disappeared as quickly as it had appeared and she eventually laid down as well and joined Piper under the sheets.

When they both were lying on their sides with their heads on their pillows, Alex felt nervous when Piper's blue eyes were giving her that look again. That look that saw more in her.

She had to tear her eyes away when she said, "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"I know."

As Piper was so quick to respond, her emerald eyes were guilt-free enough to capture her cerulean eyes.

And when she got lost in that heaven again that was sucking her in like a deep ocean, she came to a realisation.

Finally, she knew what was missing. Regret was missing. Because she didn't regret what she had said.

"I don't wanna take it back."

And of course, Piper understood.

"Then don't."

Alex loved Piper, and Piper was a slave to pain. And you always hurt the people you loved the most.

This night, they slept caught up in each other other but with a steady heartbeat, and in peaceful silence without any moans or curse words.

 _I'm not a fool  
_ _I just love that you're dead inside  
_ _I'm not a fool, I'm just lifeless too  
_ _But you taught me how to feel  
_ _When nobody ever would_

 _And you taught me how to love  
_ _What nobody ever could  
_ _And oh girl, I want to embrace you  
_ _Domesticate you_

 _But you belong to the world_


	20. False Alarm

_Chapter 20: False Alarm_

She's been awake for a while now, maybe for a couple minutes or maybe an hour, yet she wouldn't wake her up. In fact, she was willing to spend the whole morning and even noon watching her, admiring her, memorising her. It was a rainy, cold morning and even though she loved the summer and the sun and the warmth, she wouldn't change the weather if she could. And even though she craved for stability and reliability and sensitiveness, she wouldn't change her if she could. Alex's rough edges and madness were a part of her, just like her sudden and rare safety. The brunette was a contradiction of an antithesis that was the result of inconsistency. There were times when she was a desperate, dangerous, heartless junkie. Then, there were times that lost cause would turn into the best thing that ever happened to Piper. Her fascination for Alex was going to be the death of her.

And although Piper was smart and a former Smith student, she would never solve that raven-haired enigma.

So, as she was still lying on her back, she reluctantly took her eyes off of the beauty next to her and carefully turned to the side, not wanting to wake Alex up as her arm was resting on her stomach and reached out for her mobile that was on the nightstand. She's been in that business for quite some time now, she knew what she was going to read. And if that same thing that had happened last night would have happened a couple months ago, she would have woken up alone this morning. To her own surprise, she hadn't been angry or ashamed when Alex had lost her cool and gotten violent.

Piper hated violence, though. So far, she's only been mentally and emotionally abused. Yet, witnessing with her own eyes that someone would get physically hurt was only a visualisation of the things she has been through. And seeing them meant that they were real and that she could no longer ignore or unsee them. Maybe Alex's outburst the former night was meant to be a warning for her. To be afraid and stay away from her. Piper was still a runaway. And nowadays, she was running away from her sanity and the right things she was supposed to do.

A narcissist loved her.

How could she possibly run away from that?

When her thumb landed on the button to light up the screen, it remained still. Somehow, the model wasn't willing to let the world drift them apart. Instead of putting it back, though, she rolled over onto her side so that she could peacefully look at the sleeping figure next to her. Lifting her hand that was holding her cellphone, she opened the camera and, even though she knew it was quite corny and very creepy, took a picture of her. She just wanted to have a memory because the bad would always outweigh the good. And a small picture would remind her that there were times they were themselves, and free.

As Alex was lying on her stomach with her face turned towards her, it was easy for the blonde to take a pretty snapshot. Although it couldn't capture her true beauty nor her peaceful and carefree state, it was the closest thing she could get. She didn't want Alex to catch her in the act, though, as she precisely knew how she would react. She was a snarky asshole. And for some twisted reason, Piper even liked it. Sometimes, at least. Maybe because she knew that Alex was an asshole to everyone, and that this same asshole only melted in her soft and immaculate hands. Because Alex loved her.

Nevertheless, the blonde would find out any second that Alex was no morning person, unless that morning included sex. And grumpy assholes were an even bigger pain the ass than normal assholes.

Whilst she was too busy staring at the beautiful moment she had just captured, she didn't notice that the beauty behind it was no longer sleeping. Yet, when her emerald eyes fluttered open and Piper was the first thing they were taking in, she was still caught in a dream.

But Alex didn't do feelings.

"You're a fucking creep, kid."

Startled by the sudden sound of that husky voice that was even lower in the morning, the blonde nearly dropped her phone and quickly put her hands down to get a better look at her. With a sly grin on her face, she used her uniqueness that made her so different and special in Alex's eyes to prove that she could stand up to her.

"And you're a whiny asshole, baby."

Before Alex could protest or reply, the model lifted her hands to take a handful more pictures of her. As sleep was still lingering on her, it took her a few more seconds until she realised what the woman next to her was doing and reached out to snatch Piper's mobile out of her gentle hands. Piper has been awake a bit longer than her, though, and made it hard for her to catch her. All this time she kept taking pictures until Alex eventually decided to adopt harder measures. After she had propped herself up on her elbows, she moved closer to the blonde until her attempts to reach her phone were in vain and she was straddling her. As frustration stopped her movements and she realised that she had somehow fallen into Piper's lap, she saw that Piper took another picture of her and reluctantly surrendered, letting herself drop onto the woman beneath her.

"Finally," Piper said and began to giggle when she felt Alex's breath against her neck as she was lying on her, her face buried in the crook of Piper's shoulder.

"Shut up," the raven-haired woman grumpily mumbled against her skin and shut her eyes, only hearing the sound of Piper taking yet again another picture, this time of them together.

Looking at it, the model teasingly told her, "Aw look Al, we're so cute."

"Bite me," Alex just replied, not really sharing Piper's enthusiasm as she tried to bury her face deeper into the shelter that was Piper's shoulder and neck.

"You're such a pooper."

As she put her phone away, placing it on the nightstand, she heard the brunette say, "Pooper? How old are you? 12?"

"Old enough to not have sex with you today, you grouch," Piper responded and couldn't hold back a grin when she immediately felt the mattress shift underneath them.

"Now _you're_ a pooper," Alex replied after she had propped herself up on her elbows to look at the woman under her.

"I can live with that."

When she felt that Alex's eyes were about to pierce her, she closed her own instantly and covered her face with her arms.

Not to many seconds passed when Alex spoke up, "Hey, what do you think you're doing? I'm awake now… because of you. I can't fall asleep again. And neither can you."

Piper simply ignored her as two could play this game. Usually, Alex would tease and mess with her. Now was time for some revenge.

But she forgot the fact that Alex was a pro when it came to playing games.

As her eyes were still closed, she only heard Alex ask after a while, "What's your code? 0 6 0 4? 0 4 0 6?"

At first, she didn't know what the woman above her was talking about but, when she removed her hands to glance at her and saw that Alex was holding her phone in her hands, her blue eyes grew wide. She instantly tried to sit up but got pushed back into the mattress by Alex who was straddling her lap and raising a brow at her, looking so cockily at her that the blonde wanted to rip that brow off and rip her apart by giving her a mind-blowing orgasm.

"Al," she protested when she tried to move up but was always stopped by one of Alex's strong hands.

Whilst her green eyes were locked on the screen, her free hand typing in various number combinations to unlock it, she nonchalantly said, "Easy kid. Just be nice to me."

And then she smirked at her and, if Alex wasn't the perfect embodiment of assholeness, Piper would eat a broom. Because she truly was.

Alex's hand was still resting on her chest when Piper dropped her arms next to her head. She wasn't willing to give up, though. Luckily, she was blessed with big blue eyes and with the looks of an angel and sometimes, those two things worked on the jet-haired woman.

When her cerulean gaze landed on Alex's thighs, she placed her hands on them. Without batting an eye, Alex was looking at her and her cockiness was slowly getting replaced by curiosity.

"Look who changed her mind," the brunette said with her raspy voice, a hint of her signature smirk still visible.

As she finally caught her gaze and her attention as well, she moved her soft hands towards the the taller woman's sensitive spot and was returning her grin when she realised that her plan was working out.

The hand that was resting on her chest suddenly felt lighter and Piper eventually knew that she had her.

Slowly sitting up, she didn't break eye contact with the woman on top of her and, while her hands were getting more and more dangerous, and closer, Alex began to lean in for that kiss that would be the trigger for the only thing that could cheer Alex up in the morning. But Piper was really trying to keep her word. _Not today._

Just when their lips almost collided and her hands found their destination, Piper was certain that she was in the right position and moved her hands so swiftly and used her complete body to flip them over. Alex landed on her back on her side of the bed, having the blonde on top of her and in her own former position, straddling her lap. In addition, the model whipped the phone out of her hands.

As Piper was looking down at her with a triumphant grin, Alex couldn't help herself and rolled her eyes before she covered her face with her hands.

"You can't hide," the blonde told her as she used this opportunity to use her camera again until she was finally satisfied and put it away.

"You suck," Alex grumpily said to her.

"I know. And usually you don't complain."

She heard how the woman under her let out an exasperated sigh before she grumbled, "Smartass."

With a smile on her face, she replied, "I know. I got it from you," and tried to move Alex's hands away while she was sitting in her lap.

"Jesus you're even more annoying than usual in the morning."

"No, you're just more annoyed than usual in the morning."

After she had heard Piper's comment, she just gave in and let her push her hands to the side. Her eyes remained close, nevertheless. As she felt how the blonde didn't let go of her arms and intertwined her hands with her own, she opened one eye slightly to glance at her. And when she did, she was reminded why she let Piper do all those things to her. She didn't need to use her innocent sky-blue eyes on her. She had already fucked Alex into love.

The way Piper was looking down at her, with a cheeky grin on her face and deep ocean eyes, cracked Alex's composure. The curves of her plumps lips slightly rose, yet enough for the blonde to notice. So Alex shook her head when Piper's smile grew bigger as she was still holding her hands, her thumbs drawing circles on the pale skin.

Furrowing her thin brows to not give Piper satisfaction, she asked whilst she was returning her intense stare, "Shouldn't you be busy doing model stuff?"

And for some reason, the blonde's smile was even greater and more beautiful than before, igniting this warm fuzzy feeling inside of Alex that made her feel like throwing up at the same time. She's been familiar with it for quite some time now and yet, she wasn't used to it.

Reluctantly, Piper took her eyes off of the woman under her, pretending to be in deep thought before she eventually answered, "Nope, not today. It's my day off which means that I'll be all yours."

"Great so you can spend the whole day getting on my nerves," the raven-haired woman told her in a sarcastic tone.

"Bingo."

Alex just exhaled loudly and could feel Piper giving her hands a light squeeze, making her emerald eyes shoot up at her.

"What?" she asked, arching an eyebrow.

But Piper didn't use words to give her a respond. Instead, she left the talking yet again to their bodies and leaned down to finally press a soft kiss against her lips. Both knew how to tease each other but Piper's patience wasn't as strong as Alex's. As she was already getting lost in the way the brunette's lips were basically made for her own, she pinned her cold hands next to her head on the mattress. She mainly did it to support her own weight because Alex was effortlessly sucking her in but at the same time, her own ego wanted to feel and needed to see how she could control that control-freak beneath her. There was probably not one thing in the world she wouldn't let Piper do, no matter if willingly or unconsciously.

As contradictory they have been from the very start and still were, they were planting their own pieces and parts in each other. There was a small masochist in Alex as well because Piper could do anything to her, Piper could hate her, and she would love her even more. And Alex had infected the blonde with her sadism, making Piper crave and lust for control and power.

It took every cell and every fibre of her being not to repeat those three words right now. Because Piper was soft and was that first breath of air you took when you reached the surface and she tasted like heaven and lust. But, although she had said that she wouldn't take it back, it didn't mean that she would let it out again. Especially not because Piper wouldn't say it back anyway.

Not that it bothered her.

Alex just had her pride, and her ego and her inherent desire for being in charge and having the upper hand.

So, maybe there was slight chance that she was stuck in an unbalance. And if she had the chance, she didn't know what she would choose: turning back time and ripping her own tongue out to keep herself from saying those three words or hearing Piper say it back.

Neither options were likely to happen and yet, admittedly, it sucked.

However, pressuring Piper into saying it wasn't the right thing to do. Though she wouldn't care if Piper voluntary lied to her that she would love her, too. It could be fake and just another illusion, just like her happiness every time she was high. Still, she would get sky high on it. She would embrace it and never let it go. She wouldn't quit. She would rather die. After all, she was just a junkie. Piper's love could be a ghost. And she wouldn't care.

Just when she believed that she managed to make Piper forget about her words _(Not Today),_ their mouths broke apart. Because of the sudden loss, Alex's head fell back onto the pillow and she opened her dark eyes to stare at the woman above her whose blue eyes were innocence itself and not tainted by hungry desire.

Piper didn't let go of her hands, though and leaned over the brunette, her cerulean eyes locked on hers that were at least two shades darker.

Seeing that she could turn her on so easily added to the throbbing ache in the pit of her stomach but she surprised herself when she managed to say without hesitation or a hint of desperation in her voice, "I think we should get up."

And then her words came true as she climbed off the raven-haired woman and began to walk into the bathroom.

Somehow, she knew that Alex was staring at her ass, she could actually feel it and, as Alex couldn't see her face, she didn't hold back her grin when she heard the brunette yell after her, "I'll get you back for that, kid."

She hated mornings.

And only Piper could make them worse and better.

* * *

As the morning was only getting older, Alex couldn't avoid leaving the bed. Yet, knowing that Piper didn't need to work today and they could actually spend some time together rapidly increased her motivation. She almost forgot that she was the only one who was in love and that they weren't together.

Luckily, Alex didn't do feelings which meant that she knew how to turn them off. She still had that box. And she still had those lungs and veins but she wanted to be fair and not use illegal weapons. For the end of all days, she would have to choose and today, Piper had chosen for her and of course, she had chosen herself. But it was her day off and that the blonde wanted to spend it with her was… lovely.

 _No feelings._

So she pushed the warm sheets off of her and sat up, her feet touching the tiles. Putting her glasses on, she saw that there was incoming call for Piper but just shrugged her shoulders before she eventually stood up to join the blonde in the bathroom. She didn't even knock on the door and was relieved when she realised that the door was unlocked. When she entered the room, Piper's eyes were instantly on her but she just placed her glasses on top of the sink and coolly walked past her towards the shower. On her way, she took her clothes off and was internally aware of Piper staring at her bare reflection in the mirror.

Before she stepped into the shower, Piper turned around to look at her, her brows knitted and asked, "What do you think you're doing?"

Alex could tell by the look in her eyes that her cool composure she had been keeping in the bedroom was slowly fading away.

Looking over her shoulder, she replied with her low voice, "Taking a shower."

"You can't, I need to shower first," the model immediately told her as she saw how hot water was falling onto her ivory skin.

Muffled by the sounds of the splashing water, Piper could understand her nonetheless.

"So?"

 _The perfect embodiment of assholeness._

The blonde took a deep breath before she pushed herself away from the sink and moved towards the shower. Alex was standing with her back to her, her hands roaming over her body and Piper couldn't tell who was wetter.

When she was standing right in front of the window of the shower, she tried to sound as serious as she could.

"Alex."

But then the raven-haired woman had to turn around, showing her flawless, toned, tattooed body that was covered in crystal water drops and Piper's knees almost gave in. It was like the drugs finally kicked in and rushed through her veins, filling her with ecstasy.

It didn't go unnoticed by the brunette as she saw the speechlessness written all over Piper's stunning face. So she did what Piper couldn't do and spoke up.

"You can join me if you want."

Although Alex should be giving her a hard time for that mindfucking in bed this morning, she really needed her. And making her lose her composure would be the start of her sweet revenge.

Looking at her intently through the fogged glass, she waited for a reaction but Piper seemed to be too paralysed. So she only raised one brow before she turned her back on her and continued to put the shower gel on her skin.

It didn't surprise her when she was no longer alone in the shower as she felt a pair of small hands wrapping around her torso from behind. Piper rested her chin on her shoulder for a while until she began to leave a trail of kisses up her neck. Grabbing her hands, the brunette turned her head to the side as Piper's lips were against her ear.

"Are you happy now?"

Sometimes, she wondered if Piper would ever know how much she loved her.

Her lips forming a smile instead of a smirk, Piper's eyes found her own and she replied, "Maybe."

Both of them leaned in and their mouths met in a deep kiss that made the air instantly thinner around them. They stayed like that for a moment until Piper lifted her hands to touch her breasts.

But Alex wanted control. And she wanted her.

With a swift move, she turned around without breaking the kiss and pushed the blonde against the cold mosaic wall, holding her hands up next to the sides of her head against it as well. Whilst the hot water was streaming over their skin, Alex placed a knee between the model's thighs, moving it in a slow rhythm against her mound.

The kiss was over when Piper released a deep moan and couldn't even be upset that her words from earlier lost their meaning. That was the Alex effect. Alex was her heroin.

Alex's lips were sucking onto her pulse point, sending a clutch of shivers down her spine and Alex seemed to be getting carried away by it as the grip she had on her hands loosened. Without wasting a second, her left hand grabbed Alex's wrist and placed it on her throbbing centre. The raven-haired woman chuckled against Piper's neck when she moved her hand against her sensitive spot. She placed another kiss against her skin before she pulled her head to face the blonde.

A shit-eating grin was on her face but Piper was too aroused and actually liked it too much to do or say anything about it. Staring at her with hungry eyes, that smile was still there when she remarked, "You're always so impatient."

When Alex's hand in her own was dead still against her clit, Piper licked her lips whilst she was gazing at Alex's and coolly replied, "Because you're always taking way too long."

"I can take as long as I want, princess," the brunette told her and rested her forehead against hers.

In response, Piper tried to move her long fingers to touch her but Alex was stronger than her and held her own hand still. She tried to chase her mouth as well, yet found nothing as Alex pulled her head back.

Letting out a raspy chuckle because Piper's desperation couldn't be more evident, she stated, "Why the rush Pipes? I thought we'd have the whole day?"

Before the shorter woman could give her an answer, Alex moved closer again and added, "And, as you made sure that I get out of bed pretty early, it's gonna be a long day."

A long day without ivory.

But that thought didn't even cross her mind as her emerald eyes were fixed on the best drug she had come across.

Suddenly, the blonde caught her off guard when she said eagerly, "Do you wanna fuck me or not?"

Alex changed her. Alex tainted her. Alex created her.

Words weren't good enough to show Piper how badly and urgently she craved for her all the time. So, she made the blonde cuss and moan when she easily slipped two fingers inside of her. Piper's hand didn't let go of her wrist, though and held it in place. As her other hand was pinned up against the wall, the blonde stretched her neck to capture Alex's lips in a passionate kiss. Alex was out of rhythm for a second but instantly leaned into her and found her steady pace again. And then she found that special spot, too, that was Piper's kryptonite and hit it so hard and fast that Piper thought she was about to pass out.

When the walls tightened around her fingers, Alex felt how the grip of their intertwined hands that were fixed against the mosaic wall intensified. Piper was nearly dazing her hand as she stopped the blood from running into her fingers with her hold. Usually, she would dig her nails into her porcelain skin or leave scratches on her muscular back but, as neither of her hands were free, the only way Piper could physically embrace the sensation inside of her was turning Alex's hand even whiter than it already was. But Alex couldn't care less. In fact, she was proud that she could drive Piper so wild and insane as she was the only one who was able to do that. Maybe that was why she didn't feel bad about it.

The model bit onto Alex's bottom lip before her climax froze her and made her feel headless. Hot, unsteady breaths hit the brunette's lips as she let her ride out her high. Whilst her blue eyes felt too heavy for her and were shut, Alex took in the beauty that was still taking her breath away. She didn't even know why but somehow, Piper's face when she came was the most beautiful thing she has seen. Actually, every face Piper made was beauty itself and yet, she had her favourite ones.

 _No feelings._

Slowly, she let go of Piper's hand and reached out for some wet, golden strands to run her fingers through them. Her azure eyes eventually fluttered open and fell on the woman in front of her who was already gazing at her. They both couldn't suppress a smile and, after the blonde was no longer holding Alex's wrist, she used her hands to wrap them around her neck.

Licking her lips, Piper eventually said to her with innocent eyes, "If that's how you take revenge I think I'm gonna have to get on your nerves every day for the rest of our lives."

 _For the rest of our lives._

Piper seemed to be oblivious of the meaning and heaviness of her words but it fell upon Alex like a ton of bricks.

Maybe sex could pull Piper's strings, too.

Maybe it meant nothing.

Thanks to her great experience of being in control and having control, it helped her to smirk cockily at the woman in front of as she moved a hand behind her back. When it settled on the water tap, she didn't bat an eye and turned the cold water on.

Piper immediately lunged at her, making her stumble backwards as she wrapped up in her embrace.

For some reason, Piper's statement had bowled her over so hard that she was practically hamstrung. She even enjoyed the ice cold water as it was probably the only thing that could cool her down right now. But the blonde didn't seem to notice and moved her face away from her shoulder to look at her.

"How old are you? 12?" she asked, repeating the brunette's words from earlier.

Alex's speechlessness and daze were still possessing her, though. She was glad that she managed to shrug her shoulders and was about to turn the hot water on again when Piper stopped her from doing so only by giggling. And that was the first time she asked herself how long she was going to be okay with being stuck in that unbalance.

But Piper kissed her and her lips were so soft and tender that her mind ran dry.

* * *

It was almost midday when they left the hotel. They could have gone out way earlier if Piper hadn't been too determined to look pretty and anonymous at the same time. Not even Alex's teasing remarks had been helpful. Although it was nice outside, some clouds made the day colder and darker than it would be if the sunbeams had a chance to fully unfold. Alex didn't care, though as she could hide her face under a hoodie and a pair of black sunglasses that matched her typical leather jacket, black jeans and boots. She was so used to wearing hoods and disguising her face that she couldn't believe that other people could just go out and life their lives.

The only thing the blonde and Alex had in common right now as they were strolling aimlessly through the French capital were the sunglasses they both were wearing. Other than that, Piper's outfit was light and, even though she didn't want to be recognised, it was very obvious that she was familiar with fashion. Her beige coat and heels gave it away. But they were in Paris, the city of extravagance and, love.

Alex would have never thought that Piper would ever be willing to go out with her in public but here they were, looking like a goddamn couple with the model's arm hooked into Alex's. Luckily, she didn't care that it meant nothing. Luckily, she could ignore her feelings and that state of unbalance.

Drowning deeper into the doubts and fears of her mind, she didn't hear Piper when she asked her something. Only when the model stopped walking and held Alex back with her arm, she reached the surface and was back.

"Everything okay?" Piper eventually asked and Alex almost wanted to slap herself when she turned to her and saw concern filling her beautiful blue eyes.

 _But it meant nothing._

Cracking a small smile, the brunette moved closer to her and replied, "Yeah, sorry, I just… zoned out."

 _Great, now she thinks that you're craving for a shoot._

"Can't really think straight when I'm hungry," she quickly added.

She was relieved when the expression on Piper's face softened as they began to walk again.

"Well then, what about brunch?"

"You mean lunch."

Knitting her brows, the blonde looked at her as she stated, "No, brunch."

Finally, a pure smile found its way on Alex's face and she said, "Brunch is stupid. You either have breakfast or lunch, there's no in between."

"Wow, I think I get it now," Piper eventually spoke, making Alex look at her. "All this time you've been thinking you can't have both, that's why you hate mornings."

She was right about the first part. Alex couldn't have _both._

Yet, the rest was bullshit and the black-haired woman was shaking her head as she let out a throaty chuckle that gave Piper goosebumps.

"You're ridiculous, kid."

They quickly fell in step again, the model clinging stronger onto her when a chill breeze hit them. Actually, she wasn't the one who was ridiculous. This whole situation was ridiculous. Acting like neither of the two cared when Alex loved her. Pretending that they were just fucking when they were holding hands and waking up together. But Alex didn't only act as if she didn't care. She had never cared about anything or anyone, only herself. On the other hand, she had never loved anyone but herself. And then she fell in love with Piper and for some reason, she's been falling in love with her even more every day. She has become a masochist, just like her shallow lover, abusing herself and pushing a knife into her ribcage every time she realised how much she loved her. Yes, she'd kill for Piper. And, in all probability, even herself.

Maybe she already had by growing a heart for Piper who was digging her nails into it whilst she was holding onto it.

Still, she would never say it back.

She couldn't even love herself, how could she possibly ever love a narcissist, drug-addicted maniac like her?

Luckily, Piper was able to beat her thoughts and conquer them, sometimes at least.

"No, I'm just living in the 21st century… unlike you, old sour woman."

Couldn't she just be pissed at her and get angry and be mad instead of cute and lovely and simply the best. They needed a fight, it would solve all their problems- or rather Alex's problems. Fights were their glue that somehow kept them together instead of tearing them apart like normal people. Fights were a veil that made everything they were trying to hide and keep away invisible.

As she didn't seem to notice Alex's reticence, she added with a playful tone in her voice, "But don't worry, I'll be your crutch when you can't walk anymore."

If she kept being this cute and sweet, Alex would have to fix herself with a nice shoot right in front of her. Or do a line. Smoke a pipe. Anything that could kill her loveliness and Alex's own feelings.

When has she become the one who thought too much?

Wasn't Piper always the one of them who was constantly overthinking everything?

She was glad that she still had her sarcasm, the only shield that could protect her.

"Oh boy, I just can't wait to get old."

"Idiot," Piper replied and Alex caught her sheepish smile when she glanced at her.

Unlike the brunette who was mainly aware of her thoughts and inner storm, Piper was very aware of their surroundings and curious eyes on them. So far, no one has approached them or recognised them and Piper hoped that it would stay this way. Not because she didn't want to be seen in public with Alex which definitely would have been the reason a couple weeks ago, but because she wanted to stay inside that bubble with her that was their personal zone.

However, some people around them seemed to be suspicious and, if she hadn't been professional, she would have been nervous. Yet, seeking refuge in an exclusive restaurant sounded quite appealing.

So she took her eyes that were hidden behind the dark shades of her sunglasses off of the curious persons around them and focused on the woman next to her as she suggested, "Let me introduce you to the world of brunch then."

She saw how Alex's lips formed a mischievous smirk and she couldn't help herself but smile, too.

"Are you asking me out?"

Before she replied, she lightly shoved her away but eventually pulled her back. "I'm giving you the opportunity to let me enlighten you."

Just when the smile on Alex's smile was about to fade away, Piper fixed it when she added, "But… what if I were?"

Thank god Alex knew how to be an asshole that could delete her feelings.

So she instantly teased, "Were what Pipes?"

Because, maybe Piper was only messing with her and was yet again unaware of the meaning and heaviness of her words.

And just like her mother once had told her, Piper wasn't like the rest, she wasn't like all those other girls Alex had hooked up with because she didn't hang on every word the raven-haired woman said, and she could stand up to her.

"Yeah, well, I think I have to as I'm the one wearing the pants here."

In some way, they were still fighting but, instead of using each other's demons as a weapon, playful banter was the consistency. They weren't hurting each other, they were larking around.

Yet, neither could tell who was better at it.

Her gaze fixed on the street in front of them, Alex told her with her husky voice, "As far as I can remember you weren't wearing any pants this morning… what were your words? _Not today?_ I didn't know that your days only last 2 minutes… but hey, at least they last longer than your composure."

This time, though, Alex was ahead of her. So she said cooly, "Okay, never mind. Be hungry then."

"Aw, you're playing that card now? That shit doesn't work on me Pipes."

Of course Piper wasn't sulky. Another reaction from Alex would have been nice nonetheless.

When the blonde remained silent and Alex could swear that she wanted to pout, she almost made the biggest mistake she could make.

Her free hand landed on Piper's cheek as she breathed out, "Jesus fucking Christ," and tenderly moved her face to the side.

To kiss her.

But when their lips almost touched and Piper eventually had the chance to comprehend what was about to happen, the jet-haired woman distanced herself and dropped her hand so quickly as if she had burned herself.

Although she was wearing sunglasses, Alex knew that the model was looking at her with wonder in her wide blue eyes. So she muttered, "Sorry," and turned her head away.

Piper's arm was still hooked into hers and she felt like suffocating. Whilst Alex could make Piper lose her composure by intense touches and deep kisses, it seemed to be way easier for Piper to make the brunette lose her composure, her composure that used to be more persistent than a stone. She only needed to smile and Alex would fall deeper and harder. It was like the tables have turned. Alex was too emotional and Piper was too emotionless.

What have they done.

Trying to cover up the moment, Piper suddenly spoke up and asked, "What about that restaurant?" as she was pointing at the nearest place they could find refuge in.

 _Yeah, let's do what you can do best and run away._

* * *

"And for you, Madame?"

Emerald eyes moving over the menu, she eventually made a choice and replied, "Eggs Louie and black coffee."

With a nod, the waiter grabbed their menus and turned, leaving the two women alone. Piper and her were sitting in a hidden corner of the restaurant and she didn't need to check the prices to know that it was a fancy one. A pianist was playing some live music whilst important business people, lawyers and CEOs were drinking their Café au lait. They didn't even pay attention to them, not that they minded.

Staring at the blue-eyed woman in front of her, Alex said, "So, basically, I'm just gonna eat some fried eggs with a posh name and you're gonna eat an omelette with some vegetables in it. And yet, people felt the need to come up with a new name although it's just a late breakfast."

A sly grin was on the blonde's face when she answered, "Still grumpy, huh?"

"People are just wasting their time nowadays," Alex told her as she leaned back into her chair and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

Although it was only meant to be a hollow comment that should drop the topic, Piper seemed to be digging deeper.

"You really think so?"

Alex was watching her with an arched brow, wondering in which direction this conversation would head. Nonetheless, her tone was nonchalant when she said, "Well, yeah. If people got the time to rename something that already exists, they're probably collecting ivory because they already own books full of all stamps and coins there are."

"And life is too precious for that?" the model asked her and cupped her own cheek in her hand.

She couldn't tell if Piper was giving her a runaround or was actually interested in their discussion but she was giving her a serious answer nevertheless.

"Life's too short for that."

"What do you think they should be doing instead?"

Couldn't she just be mad and get the fuck out of her head?

It was more than enough that she was already in her heart.

Releasing her arms, she shoved them into the pockets of her jacket that was thrown over her chair and nonchalantly said, "Reconsider how to make important life choices."

Her response was crude, and perhaps not the one Piper had expected to hear but the brunette was already standing when she told her, "Sorry, small bladder."

Piper watched her go before she could even say anything but as it was nothing new, wasn't aware of the pod of elephants in the room. As she was left alone for the first time this day, she decided to check her phone because it was bound to happen sooner or later. Yet, there was one thing that surprised her when the screen lit up and was full of unanswered calls and new messages. Her grandmother had tried to call her this morning. But she thought nothing of it and continued to read the texts her agent had sent her. Of course she urgently needed to speak to her but that could wait. Today was her day off and nobody and nothing was allowed to disturb them. Not today.

Putting her phone away, she saw that Alex had returned and was sitting in front of her again, her light emerald eyes fixed on her. Although Piper had caught her staring, her gaze didn't shift. At some point, her stare was too intense, so she giggled sheepishly and looked away.

When her laughter died, she looked at her from the corner of her eye and asked, "What?"

"Is my name still AAA in your address book?"

Her blue eyes swiftly fell on her as she turned her head to face her.

"What are you talking about?"

Licking her red lips, Alex placed her glasses on top of her head was about to speak up when the waiter came with their drinks. As he was out of their zone again, Alex raised a brow at her and explained, "It is, isn't? I'm just curious 'cause, that one night when you were out with your model friends and I picked you up that girl said she called me because my name was AAA. Is it a code or something?"

Slowly, Piper seemed to understand and was burying her face in the palms of her hands, making Alex chuckle.

"What does it stand for? Amazing And Awesome? Alluring And Attractive? Or are you just fascinated with the first letter of my name?"

"Oh geez."

"Oh geez? I don't know how you spell it but neither of these two words start with an A."

"Just shut up," the blonde mumbled into her palms when Alex didn't stop to snicker.

Her emerald eyes were still fixed on her when she leaned into her chair and replied, "And they said you went to college."

"Annoying, arrogant asshole," Piper mumbled but was unaware that they were no longer alone.

"Excusez moi?"

When she heard the voice of their waiter, she immediately removed her eyes and wanted to explain the situation but Alex was quicker than her and told him as he was putting down their dishes, "Pardon her french, we're Americans."

Piper just wished the ground would open and swallow her up. All she could do, though, was letting out a sigh and muttering an embarrassed "Sorry" when the waiter shot a glance at her before he walked away.

Her cerulean eyes drifted over her breakfast for a moment but landed on the woman in front of her eventually when she heard another raspy chuckle. It didn't go unnoticed by the brunette that Piper was glaring at her, so she said to her, "Bon appétit," and took a bite from her meal.

Yet, Piper seemed to be too busy sending her intense stares and mentally biting her head off. Alex was choking laughter when she ignored the blonde and reached out with her fork to taste her food as she told her, "You should start eating, ma chérie. Your food's getting cold."

Alex moaned when she had a taste of her omelette and finally looked at her. She was giving her the silent treatment nonetheless, so Alex admitted, "Maybe I do deserve that name in your address book."

The blonde's expression on her face slightly altered and Alex winked at her as she continued eating her meal. That was when Piper's composure eventually cracked and she just shook her head before she began to eat as well. Alex was a true asshole but would only melt in her hands. And she enjoyed and loved it enough to forget about her own pride. Or self-hatred.

"You're awful, and atrocious," Piper eventually said and saw that cocky grin on Alex's face.

"Both words start with an A, too. Is that some kind of brain scrabble now?"

"Just enjoy your brunch, ape-face."

Again, all Alex could do was laugh. Piper was the only one who could make her truly smile. She was the root of her happiness. She was her happiness.

Yet, on her mind was a word that started with an A as well, a word that perhaps described her best.

 _Addict._

That was why heart stopped for a second when Piper reached out and wiped something off of her face with a serviette, saying, "You have there something."

Fearing that her words might betray her, the raven-haired woman heartlessly smiled at her and quickly returned her gaze on her plate. She lost her appetite. Narcissistic loathing filled her empty stomach and when Piper stopped eating and studied her, she was certain that she could read her mind. Their waiter seemed to have a sense for good timing, though and showed up before the blonde could vocalise what she might have just read inside of her.

"Mesdames, I'm sorry for disturbing you but I think I should inform you that there is a big crowd of photographers outside. Please let me know if you wish to leave, I will lead you to our private exit."

"Merci beaucoup," the model replied, giving him a smile that was warm enough to make him forget about the misunderstanding.

Their masters were catching up with them, they couldn't runaway, they couldn't hide, they couldn't slip into their own world. After all, they were still slaves to their own addictions. Pain and Heroin. Whilst Piper's drug was waiting for them right on the other side of the wall, Alex's was both inside of her and in front of her. She loved Piper, she really did. But she loved herself, too.

Although it wouldn't quench her ecstasy, she took a big sip of her hot coffee and, full of agony and sick pride, settled her eyes on the woman across from her.

Yet, Piper didn't seem to notice her inner rush.

That was another one of those few, short moments in which Alex almost could hate herself.

She was so shameless and claimed to love Piper only so it was easier for her to play with her.

Or was Piper the one who manipulated her so much that the brunette actually believed she loved her, just because Piper was incapable of being alone?

And this warm, fuzzy feeling inside of her wasn't warm at all, solely fuzzy.

"You okay? You're kinda staring."

Piper had no single clue.

So Alex hoped that the snowflakes in her blood would cool her down.

It wasn't right to do this behind her back, Alex knew that. But she didn't want her to worry. And, the less Piper knew, the safer she would be. Ignorance was bliss after all. Yet, who was Alex trying to protect her from. She was the only monster in this story.

Scratching her nose, the raven-haired woman gave her a longing look and told her, "To be honest, I'm hungry for something else."

For a moment that lasted too short, it was only them again. But then Piper turned her head to the side and teasingly said, "You're losing your touch, Vause."

 _No, I'm just losing my mind._

Just like Piper had once told her, Alex loved fucking, especially fucking up. Subconsciously, she pushed the people who were close to her away. Purposefully, she drifted away from the world but leaving Piper behind throttled her ecstasy. She let Piper down every time she got high. If she just never met her, or heroin. There wasn't enough space inside her heart to love both at the same time.

Still, she wasn't willing to let an angel like Piper slip away that easily. Piper, whom she loved almost as much as herself. Piper, who was the only she ever loved and was going to love. Alex loved herself enough to not let herself lose her.

Abruptly, she dropped her hand and grabbed Piper's that was on top of the table, making her baby blue eyes shoot up.

She was both, an addict and an asshole. And knowing that the latter was the best version Alex could give her made her insides twist and turn. Nevertheless, she fought to be the latter.

As she was gazing into the blonde's eyes and felt how she gave her hand a light squeeze, she told her as seductively as she could, "Romance is dead, kid. I thought they told you that."

Softness instantly vanished from her eyes and face and while Alex thought it was due to her comment, she realised that Piper didn't let go of her hand when she wanted to pull it back.

"I can't fucking believe you."

Instead of looking at her, Alex looked at her palm that the model's hold on her hand grew tighter until her gaze landed on it. She had her blood on her hands- she had the blood of her love on her hands. And that was when her senses eventually let her know that this familiar iron taste was on her lips.

"You-" Piper had to interrupt herself to stop herself from yelling before she continued with disgust in her tone, "you _snorted_ something!? Here!? Alex, you're kidding me, right? Are you fucking serious?!"

"Pipes," she began as she put a napkin underneath her nostrils but didn't need to be cut off by her because there wasn't anything she could say anyway.

"Don't Pipes me."

Her professionalism was the only reason she wasn't at Alex's throat by now.

"You've been waiting to do this all morning, haven't you? You just couldn't stand to be sober and just needed to fuck everything up again… Fuck, Alex-"

For the first time, Alex saw Piper being at a loss for words. That was how much she let her down.

So she shook her head and when she couldn't stand to look at the brunette anymore and got up, Alex forced her by saying, "I love you."

Her blue eyes lingered on her and Alex could see how they turned to ice, ice that could make others catch a cold, and heard nothing but loathing in Piper's voice.

"Not as much as your goddamn heroin."

Alex's chair almost fell when she swiftly got on her feet to stop her from leaving. When she grabbed her wrist, Piper shook it off as subtly as she could and turned her head to say to her through gritted teeth, "Go to hell."

When her silhouette faded away, a word was eventually on her mind.

 _Addict._

* * *

Knowing that she would find and empty and lifeless hotel room, Alex spent the rest of this long day walking aimlessly through Paris, only passing small alleyways to save herself from murdering any noisy paparazzi. Maybe Piper was right. Maybe she was just in love with the idea of loving her because that would mean that she wasn't that damaged, that she was able to love. And her sadistic side purposefully chose Piper because she was innocent and pure, and the complete opposite of her. Maybe she never loved her, maybe she would never love her. Maybe, the only one she was fooling was herself, lying to herself that this was love. Hurting Piper, disappointing Piper, fucking Piper.

Hopefully, she would be gone when she would enter the hotel room. It would be easier for the both of them if Piper had just disappeared because Alex would be too selfish to let her go. So, maybe this was love, just the greatest form of self-love there was. Alex needed Piper so she could prove to herself that she wasn't as fucked up as she thought. Alex wanted Piper so nobody else could have her. Alex loved Piper because she loved herself. And the best drug that could compete with her former love.

Unwittingly, she somehow sleepwalked back into the hotel. She was back at the start. Her ground zero after she had bombarded her own paradise. They were never going to find out what they could have been. So Alex went back to black, her desire for a shoot bigger than usual that her arm was alive with insects. But a nice line would do the job, for now at least. This hole Piper had left would need some better fixing.

Yet, deep down, Alex knew that no shoot could fill it.

Her shaky feet carried her heavy shoulders and empty body until she finally reached the right floor. Stumbling towards the suite, memories of that day slowly gathered in front of her eyes. She was no morning person but, that morning couldn't have begun better. Nevertheless, Alex could turn everything into ash and dust. Even perfection.

Although that fifth or sixth line was slowly wearing off, she was still lost in nebula. So it took her some time until she managed to open the door, to find, as she had supposed, an empty and dark, big suite. She didn't even bother to turn the lights on as she had witnessed her final sunset when Piper had left. The last piece of light had burnt out eventually.

Alex was high enough to be stuck in insubstantiality. The room was adorn by illusions of Piper. Her smell, her voice, her smile, her eyes, Alex actually thought that she could sense her. She was high enough to feel her beside her. Maybe she would make it. She would survive this. There had a been a life before Piper, there could be a life after Piper. The only thing she was going to need was more Hazel, the only thing she truly loved. It had been love at first shot.

Letting herself drop on the couch, her blank eyes stared through the big windows into the nothingness that was ahead of her, and around her. She was so numb that she could actually feel the numbness, how it consumed her and killed that hole Piper had left. So, in the end, the world kept spinning, and she was only running in circles until it would call out to her and claim her favourite victim.

Nevertheless, even though Piper was gone, it was like she was still with her. And it wasn't because she was already missing her and wanted her and felt her metaphysically but physically. It was stupid, and she was definitely losing the last piece of sanity yet, she slowly turned her lifeless head to the side. And she knew that she rang the funny farm.

Returning her hazy emerald eyes on the windows, she shut them, searching for her mind in the obscurity. Piper was right, Piper has always been right. Alex was a psychopath. She knew that for sure when she looked to the side a second time and still saw that same figure. Faded eyes tried to find any kind of stability by staring at it but Alex was only looking at a ghost. She was so high that she could _see_ her.

First, she lost her.

Then, she lost herself.

And now, she lost her mind.

It didn't stop her from admiring this false beauty, though. She was, after all, breathtaking.

In her uncontrolled haze, she muttered a paralysed "Wow" and somehow had to repeat the process of moving her eyes between the window and that creature her stoned pain was making up.

That copy was so flawless that Alex was very close to believing that it was the original. But if she did, she would admit that the drugs had taken her over for good. So, she kept admiring this last piece of light and felt how her heart dropped to the ground when that projection let out a soft sob. This was too much for her, the last time she had had such real hallucinations was when she had smoked one of her first blunts.

What if her subconsciousness was giving her a chance to be better by creating a scenario that was never going to happen.

Because, right now, Piper was sitting next to her, not even an inch away, and the moon was lighting up tears on her soft cheeks.

Yet, it didn't make sense.

Why was Piper crying.

Why was Piper next to her.

Why were they still in this goddamn hotel room.

Alex remembered that one night, when she had had this dream that Piper was standing in front of her on her threshold after they had 'broken up'. And remembered that it had been no dream, although she had been way higher than she was in this moment.

So, what was this.

A mirage? A test? An illusion? A dream? Death?

 _Reality?_

The way her broken heart was pounding when she extended a hand to _touch_ her let her know that she wasn't dead. Although she could exclude one option, her confusion grew immensely when her fingers found and _felt_ skin. Skin that was soft and wet from salty drops. Stroking her cheek as lightly with her fingertips as she could, strands of hair were tickling her knuckles.

She might be looking like the greatest fool of all time, but she was so certain that this copy was no copy. There was no copy. She wasn't asleep. No one tried to test her. Her mind was too dead to play tricks on her.

 _She never left_.

Brushing her thumb over her cheek to dry her skin, she asked in the softest tone her low voice could make, "Why are you crying?"

And when she didn't slip through her fingertips and didn't turn to ash and dust, she was blessed with the bluest eyes a creature could have. Despite that ocean of sadness in them, they were still an ocean of their own.

They pulled the rug from under her when they turned absolutely blank in the blink of an eye as they fell on her.

Her voice was lifeless when she said, "My grandmother died."

Even though they've barely ever talked and actually knew each other's bodies better than each other, Alex could see through her haze how it shattered her. Maybe they used to be very close. Maybe she was the kind of mother Piper's actual mother would never be. Maybe Piper was blaming herself.

When her voice cracked, her composure cracked as well.

"She called me. This morning, she called me. And I didn't pick up. I had no idea that-" a deep sob and a new wave of tears got the better of her.

There was nothing more Alex wanted than to do than wrap her arms around her and drag her out of this shithole that was the world but she was afraid that she would snub her. If this was reality, Alex had still fucked up. Instead, she wiped away her tears with both her hands and kept listening.

"I mean, I knew that she wasn't the youngest anymore but I was so… caught up in myself that I didn't know how she really felt. She had cancer and I had no idea. She called me and… I didn't pick up… I wasn't there when-"

Her fear of rejection instantly died when she saw Piper falling apart right in front of her. She caught her with her arms, somehow trying to put her together although it would be in vain, and Piper buried her face in her chest, her fragile arms clinging onto her as if she was the one who thought that Alex was just an illusion, a mirage, a ghost.

Stroking her golden hair, she rested her head on top of hers and heard between deep sobs, "I need you."

It might not cure her heart, but Alex replied nevertheless, "I'm right here."


	21. ANG666L

_Chapter 21: ANG666L_

 _Oh my sweet goddess,  
_ _You're a true demoness,  
_ _Looks of a seraph,  
_ _To disguise the Belial inside  
_ _She knows no mercy  
_ _My angel, she cursed me_

After that horrendous night, things had gone very quickly. Piper had cancelled all her shows and photoshoots, Alex had booked the next flight that could bring them back to the States and, as if she was on autopilot, has been following Piper everywhere. When she would want her to be there, Alex would be, and when she would need time to herself, Alex would leave her alone. And it would be the only time she would get high. Promises had lost its meaning to her a long time ago, so she had vowed to herself to never use around her again. Eventually, that was the best thing she could do for Piper. That was the most selfless version of her. Because, as if she was on autopilot, a line would always find a way into her. Or she would sleepwalk right into her white haze.

In the past days, there seemed to be a label for their relationship. Friendship. They last time they had sex was when they had been in Paris and Alex had been the only one who had been struggling with her emotions. In those nights when the blonde couldn't handle her sadness and had been devastated and Alex had proved to be there for her, they had talked. Or rather, Piper had told her stories about her grandmother who really used to be this mother figure Piper would never find in her own mother and Alex had listened. And collected the pieces to put her together again as well as she could. And Alex had understood her. Cancer almost had taken her mother away, too. But unlike Piper who had been ignorant and hadn't known about her grandmother's ailment, Alex had been living with it for a long time, watching her mother getting sicker and more lifeless. And just like an observer, all she could do was looking through a glass, not being able to get through and save her.

However, Piper's grandmother had lost eventually. And Piper lost the only family she had. So she didn't need a lover, she needed a friend. And although Alex was apparently horrible at both of those two things, she tried.

Tomorrow would be the funeral and to give the model some space and rest she urgently needed, Alex was at her own apartment, about to go to bed after she had sucked a sleeping pill. It was beyond question that Alex would accompany her. Piper really needed her. This whole situation was all too familiar for her, she knew how the blonde was feeling. And seeing Piper like that just brought back memories she never wanted to relive again. She was tired, too.

As she was about to pull the blanket over herself, her cellphone vibrated. Without hesitation, she sat up and reached for her mobile. It wouldn't be the first time that Piper would call her late at night.

The caller wasn't Piper, though.

Leaning against her headboard, she answered the call. "Hey Nicky."

Due to her best friend's unknowingness, Nicky started teasing her instantly.

"Hey sasquatch, you two love birds still in the city of love? I gotta say, she's really pretty, I saw some pictures of you on the internet. Damn, Vause, who would've thought that you would keep up with a fucking supermodel! I always thought that they're just too vain and hollow for you. But then you fell for the best of them! Tell me, do they really eat cotton wool?"

"Now is not the right time to be a dick, Nichols," the brunette informed her and let out a sigh.

"What? Again trouble in paradise? Or still?"

To cut to the chase, she responded, "Her grandmother died."

As if her best friend needed some time to swallow all those snarky comments she had prepared, she eventually said with a more serious tone in her voice, "What? What happened?"

She ran a hand through her black waves and explained, "She got a call from her brother a couple days ago that their grandmother died of cancer. She was sick for a while but Piper didn't know and, yeah, that's why we're home again. The funeral is tomorrow."

"Fuck, that's some tough shit. I'm sorry… will you be there?"

"Yes."

Whilst she could feel how the pills kicked in, she rubbed her eyes and asked, "Why did you call? I mean, did I miss anything?"

"No, I just wanted an update on you and your love life but, how is she?"

"She's devastated, they were pretty close. And I think she's kinda blaming herself because she didn't know how sick she was and that she wasn't there. Her grandmother called her, the day before she passed away, you know? That's killing her."

Just like it had been killing Alex when she had to see with her own eyes how death had been trying to drag her mother away from her.

Sleep and potential nightmares were slowly embracing her that it shook her when Nicky said, "What about you?"

Seconds passed before she eventually replied, "What about me?"

"How are you doing? I guess this is some kind of dèjá-vu for you."

"Yeah but it doesn't matter… this is not about me, Nick. I gotta take care of her."

"I'm sure that's what you're doing but please, drop by as soon as you can, yeah? Maybe at the gym, Red would be happy to see you."

When Nicky mentioned her name Alex realised that she wasn't mad anymore. Yet, she couldn't tell if it was because she was done holding grudges or was just too tired to get furious.

"After the funeral, okay? First I have to clean this mess I made."

"Yeah sure," her friend instantly said but was cut off by hesitation before she added, "What do you mean? Which mess?"

"Look, I'll tell you about it when I'll come around, okay? I'm just really tired and it's gonna be a long day tomorrow and-"

"A long day without H?"

There wasn't spite in her tone as Nicky was still perhaps the only one who could understand Alex's addiction. So Alex admitted, "I fucked up again, Nick. If her grandmother hadn't died, Piper wouldn't even deign to look at me. She would have been gone for good… but she's okay with hating me and having me around at the same time. She needs me."

"Vause, you should really pop in. I'm worried about you."

"And I will, really. I'm okay Nicky, I just need some sleep," the brunette immediately assured her and let herself slide onto the mattress, her head resting on the pillow.

She heard how the woman on the other side of the line exhaling loudly before she spoke up.

"If I'm not gonna see you this week you can bet your ass that I'll be coming over to your place and won't leave until I'll have convinced myself that you're okay, no matter how long it's gonna take."

"Are you gonna pay rent?"

"Hell no."

"Shit, fine, you'll have seen me before this week will be over."

"You know what's gonna happen if I won't-"

"Yeah Nicky, just let me sleep before I'll get nightmares of you living with me."

"Sure Vause, see you around. Take care."

"You too, Nichols."

Not even seconds after the line had gone dead, the pills knocked her out and a fake-deep sleep found her. It was only fake-deep because it couldn't kill her nightmares.

* * *

 _In your dream, you're drownin', I just waltz in and saved you  
_ _I'm your alternate escape route, the altar you pray to  
_ _Your ultimate savior, your behavior is altered  
_ _Ain't your fault 'cause I made you  
_ _Brainwash and persuade you_

 _Gibraltar, your faith'll never falter or waver  
_ _One you call to in danger, I'm your guardian angel  
_ _Nobody can tell you shit, you've already made your  
_ _Mind just follow me, babe,_

 _You won't be sorry you stayed,_  
 _You always ride, whatever the plan is_  
 _'Til the end, even if I led us into an ambush_

The car ride was long, even longer because it was torturously quiet. But Alex knew that only one word that would fall from either of their lips would fill her azure eyes with tears. So she kept shut, not wanting to extend Piper's sadness and pain. If there was something she could do, anything, if she could take the pain away and stuff herself with it, she would. Because Alex knew how to kill it before it would kill her. That was exactly what pain was doing to Piper. Every time she was hurt, it would overwhelm and possess her. And then she would be numb. Unfortunately, it wasn't that good-kind of numbness Alex experienced every time she was high.

So Piper was sitting next to her in the passenger seat, stone-faced, stone-hearted, absolutely stoned by pain. Alex would tell her to get some rest, those dark circles under her beautiful eyes visualised her weariness due to her lack of sleep and sorrow. Yet, Alex couldn't tell if Piper was still going to leave after this would be over. If Piper just used her once again to fight her loneliness and would dislodge her eventually when this would be over. Piper was still lucky. Alex didn't care.

She wasn't even thinking about having to meet Piper's parents. By driving to the funeral and Piper's hometown, Hartford in Connecticut, she would actually get a glimpse of Piper's life before New York, before she had been famous. She didn't need to tell the blonde that she had never met anyone's parents. And today, she would meet her whole family. Or rather, the people who had the same last name as her and the same bloodline. Something was telling Alex that Piper didn't consider those people as her family. Not after her grandmother had died. Putting two and two together, Piper had no one anymore. Maybe that was why she sticked around with the brunette. No matter if Alex was toxic and lethal, Piper took what she could get.

What if her grandmother's passing was the final straw and this numbness was going to be there forever.

What if her grandmother hadn't been the only one who had died that night.

Shit, Alex would kill everyone to bring her back to life.

She would kill to save her life.

Hopefully, it wasn't already buried ten feet under the ground.

The GPS in her car was the only source of noise. Although Alex never minded silence, nevertheless she would even be fine if Piper started yelling at her. As long as there would be a sign of life, she would know that she hadn't lost her. But her hands were bound and her throat was dry and there was nothing Alex could do but wait. Wait until a little breath would animate Piper. Glancing at her from the corner of her eye, the raven-haired woman could see that Piper was fighting not to fall asleep. Eventually, Piper did want to sleep but was afraid to miss something again, to miss something small or big which would lead her to lose someone who was dear to her. Fear was destroying her peace.

And when Piper's head dropped to the side again, dragged down by her exhaustion, Alex shot a glance at her and said softly, "Maybe you should get some rest, kid. We still got a two-hour drive ahead of us."

But the model just shook her head and fixed her eyes at the road in front of them.

Somehow, her grandmother's death was a traumatic event for her, and pushing its nails into her thin, frail figure.

So Alex made another attempt and assured her, "I'll wake you up when we'll be there."

Nevertheless, Piper kept quiet because, that was her way. If she couldn't runaway, she would hide.

Looking at her and seeing her so helpless and restless, Alex kind of saw herself in her. When she had been a bit younger and had been jumping between making right and wrong decisions, caring for her mother and caring for her addiction. She had had Red but, mostly, she had wanted to be alone. Just like Piper right now. Back then, she had believed that she would be better off alone, taking on the world on her own. Yet, it had been nice to know that someone would be there for her, that there would be someone she could hold on to. No matter how bad she had fucked up, Red had cleaned up after her. Every time she had laid waste to something, Red had fixed it. And now Alex understood that it didn't matter how big the mess would be. The hardest and most difficult thing to do would be to fix the person who made a mess.

As she was getting lost in nostalgia, she forgot for a moment where she was and was deaf.

But it was never that hard for Piper to win her attention, so the veil of past feelings and images around her dropped and she heard the blonde say, "How did you survive this? I mean, your mother, she had cancer, didn't she?"

Alex used to hate talking, and mostly about that topic. It wasn't even easy for her to think about it but it didn't matter. This wasn't about her, this was about Piper. And she was actually happy that the blonde had finally spoken up.

She tried to sound as cool as she could.

"I was 14 when they made the diagnosis. She was already in the third stadium and, things were pretty ugly. They said she would be dead in not even a couple weeks if she didn't get the chemotherapy immediately. But how was either of us supposed to pay for that if my mother had four jobs only so I would have roof above my head. She kept working nevertheless and I was just waiting for the day I would watch her go in the morning and never come back at night."

When her emerald eyes moved from the windscreen to look at Piper and saw her eyes covered in tears, she thought that she should stop talking. She was being selfish talking about her own experiences, wasn't she?

Yet, what if Piper needed to hear that to know that she wasn't alone?

She returned her gaze on the road again and continued, "For some reason I'll probably never understand, she kept coming back. Every night, I watched her walking through that fucking door. And I also saw how she was slowly dying. I knew that I should do something, I had to do something. Though I found no job because of my _conspicuous demeanour_ , that's how they liked to call it, at school. So I confirmed their statement and started robbing little stores to get some money and pharmacies to get her the medicine she needed and, myself the medicine I needed. I was actually having good runs and could provide for us for a while. But just like Icarus, I flew too high and got too close to the sun. The worst thing wasn't that they caught me, just, her face, when the cops were standing at our door. She didn't know that I was doing illegal things, she thought that I had a job. After that, the tumour grew rapidly and one night, she only managed to open the door and collapsed before she even entered our home. I spent a long time blaming myself for it, I was sure that I was the reason she was going to die."

Suddenly, soft skin wrapped around her pale hand that was positioned on the gear and Alex felt Piper giving her hand a light squeeze. She was still there. Even though she would be never as good at it as at the opposite, she actually reached her and maybe was even putting her together, piece for piece, taking baby steps.

Turning her hand to intertwine their fingers, the raven-haired woman added, "One day, that one guy just pushed the right buttons and only the cops could stop me from knocking more of this teeth out. My mother was already at the hospital because Lucy, she was… a _friend,_ her family was pretty rich, I didn't want their money but neither did I want my mother to die. She gave me some money that was enough for my mother to at least have a hospital bed. Anyway, there was nowhere I could go so I spent a night at the police station and they told me that they would put me in some kind of asylum if I kept being _eye-catching._ They gave me an address of a gym for anger management. At first, I didn't wanna go and thought the whole world had gone crazy but I eventually did, for my mother. I didn't want her to be my mother, she didn't deserve to be my mother because I was a total piece of shit."

It surprised her that she was actually fine with talking about it. She had never talked about her story in such detail and somehow, her shoulders felt a bit lighter. Whilst she was running her thumb over Piper's palm, she eventually finished it.

"So I went to that gym and met Red. Before I even started talking she knew what kind of case she had to deal with and let me clean up the whole damn gym for two months. I think it was some kind of Miyagi shit, I mean, she paid me for cleaning, it was even good money but of course I wasn't there to clean this damn shithole. One day, she took the broom away from me and threw me in at the deep end. I didn't even survive the first round and just came out with a black eye and another Icarus experience. But Red was no fool, it was all part of her plan, she wanted me to feel the ground before I would reach the top. She started training me eventually and not even after a week, I had my first official fight. It was illegal but the prices are always the best at those events. That was the first turning point in my life, I found a profession, a purpose, had some kind of stability in my life, some money, I could take care of my mother."

Fixing her eyes on the blonde, she said, "I had Red."

 _And heroin._

But that wasn't part of the story, or rather, that wasn't part of the good side of the story.

As they were standing at a red light, Alex's eyes were still on her when she sincerely told her, "You're not alone in this Piper. I'm right here."

Alex let go of her hand to wipe a tear away from her cheek and found some sort of hope in that blueness.

When she started to drive, she darted another glance at her, finding Piper's weary eyes fixed on her.

"Get some sleep, please… for me?"

The blonde nodded her heavy head in response and, not even a few minutes later, her drained body was leaning against the door, sleep having finally found her.

* * *

Her cerulean eyes felt a bit lighter when they fluttered open. The first thing she saw was Alex whose gaze was fixed on the road. Only when she turned her head to the side and recognised her hometown, the brunette noticed that she was awake.

"Hey, I just wanted to wake you up," she told her, shooting a glance in her direction.

Although Piper expected to be hit by a wave of images of her younger self and of her grandmother, the worst part seemed to be over. Sleep somehow decreased her grief, or maybe it was Alex who was taking that weight off her shoulders. She was back in the real world, that was cold and ugly, and cruel. But when she looked at Alex again, she found the beauty in it. Nobody was perfect and Alex might be far from being it, yet, she made life worth living. Piper wondered if it was solely her loneliness that drove her into the raven-haired woman's mysterious, dark, destructive world. What else could possibly be the reason for her to hold on to her.

 _(Love)_

"You feeling better?" the brunette asked, making her look at her.

Piper kept silent and only nodded in response, yet the corners of her lips slightly rose when she saw that rare warmth in Alex's usually cold emeralds. After 20 minutes, they arrived at the church in complete stillness that was broken when the model let out a deep breath. A big crowd was standing at the entrance of the building and the two women stayed a little longer inside the car as Piper needed a few more moments to prepare for what was waiting for them outside of the vehicle. It didn't take her too much time until she found her parents talking to the golden sunshine of the Chapman family. Whilst she's always been getting along well with her younger brother Cal, she would hate her older brother Danny like poison if they hadn't been related. No matter what he had done, their parents had forgiven him without any exceptions. But every time Piper had come home with an unacceptable grade or had been late for dinner, their parents hadn't hesitated to make her feel to be the scum of the earth.

That was why she hasn't seem them ever since she had left university to become a model. Or why they haven't reached out to her. She could as well be dead, and it wouldn't make a difference. Even though it had taken her some time, she eventually had come to the realisation that, although they were her parents, it didn't mean that they had to love her. And that, although they were her parents, it didn't mean that she should feel bad for cutting them out of her life. After all, you couldn't choose your family. So the only connection they had, the only thing they still shared, was their last name and their blood. But blood wouldn't always be thicker than water.

Whilst she was drowning in the big crowd from afar, Alex brought her back to the surface when she said huskily, "Oh boy."

It caught her so off guard that she instantly turned her head to the side, looking at the raven-haired woman with confusion written all over her face.

Her green gaze shifted from the throng to the blonde, and she let out a dry chuckle before she explained, "I feel like an alien."

To her surprise, she heard how a soft giggle escaped from Piper who asked, "What?"

While she was looking at the people again, she told her, "It's like we just entered another universe. I mean, look at them… and then look at me. I'm extraterrestrial in their monocled eyes."

"Not only in theirs," Piper said to her and saw how Alex gave her a deadpan look in response.

But she dropped it after a moment and spoke up, "I'm sorry. I just had to get this out before I'll get myself into this group of prigs and golf players. I bet they're eating lobster for breakfast and kobe-beef for brunch… and caviar is their midnight snack."

Internally, she had been debating if she should pass such a remark but those doubts swiftly disappeared when Piper let out a warm, heartfelt laugh as she pushed Alex away by her shoulder the way she usually would. She was still alive.

"Stop it," she told her through her laughter.

As she was gazing at her, she honestly responded, "I just like that."

Her laughter faded away before she questioned, "What?"

"Your smile."

Alex knew that she was being cheesy and she couldn't even believe herself that such a response had fallen from her lips but she was too easily getting lost in her. And when Piper kept quiet and returned her intense stare, she could see that she wanted to kiss her.

But they weren't together. And Piper didn't love her. They weren't alone. Alex was only her dark secret. She wasn't worth it.

So she watched Piper turning away sheepishly and took off her seatbelt. They got out of the car and Alex was literally walking into the unknown as she didn't know what to expect. Even though Piper hadn't given her any kind of instructions, all she would be today was a 'good friend'. But they have never been friends, not even this week when Alex had been there every time her phone had rung and Piper had been on the line, asking her to come over. They hadn't been booty calls, they hadn't slept with each other, and they hadn't been friends nonetheless. Because friends didn't look at their friend like Alex did, friends didn't feel their heart beat in an unsteady rhythm when they saw their friend smile, friends didn't love their friend the way Alex loved her. So, no matter what would happen, they would never be friends.

They were liars, though. And Alex had been lying for a long time, lying to Piper and herself that she didn't love her. Maybe things were going to work easier today than she thought. She just wanted to get this over with because it was the only way that could release her from her unbalance, a prison Piper had locked her up in.

When Piper reached for the handle, she got thrown back into reality and followed her, leaving the car. The model was waiting for her on the other side and when the brunette was eventually standing beside her, she gave Piper control and followed her just like she had been the past days. Emotional closure used to be a no-go for her, especially in the form of physical intimacy but if Piper grabbed her hand now, she would hold onto it as tightly as she could. But she didn't need to think about it as this was a no-go for Piper as well because they were in public. And the world wasn't supposed to know that Alex loved her, nor that Piper needed her.

The first person who approached and who was the only one who was actually happy to see her, was her brother Cal. He walked up to her in his clumsy form in the same second he saw them and embraced her instantly, muttering a soft greeting into her ear. When they broke apart, the blonde introduced Alex as "her friend" to him. She extended a hand for him but instead, he hugged her the same way he had hugged his sister and the brunette wondered if Piper had ever gotten her ribs broken when her brother had put his arms around her.

"I'm Cal, Pipe's sister," he said to the taller woman when he let go of her.

"Nice to meet you."

He scratched his fuzzy beard and was about to speak up when they got interrupted by Piper's parents and her other brother.

"Piper," her mother greeted her, sounding as formal and distant as possible, and showed with her behaviour that she acknowledged her presence, no more or less.

Although Alex had already felt like a square peg in a round hole, Mrs Chapman brought that feeling to a whole other level just by simply ignoring her. There wasn't one person who wouldn't feel her abyss of ignorance. So Piper stepped in and darted a glance at the brunette who was standing next to her, saying, "This is Alex."

Without taking her cold eyes off her daughter, she said, "I know who she is."

Whilst Piper might know what she meant, Alex was absolutely clueless. Yet, before her mother could make things even worse than they already were, her father took over.

"We appreciate your attendance."

His words might seem nice but his tone diminished every aspect of a good meaning. Before Alex had the chance to do something inconsiderate like breaking his jaw, Piper replied coolly, "I only came for her."

Now it made sense to her when Piper had told her that her parents were dead to her. Alex has never met such breathing corpses. And from behind them, a dark-haired man appeared who was even taller than Alex. He had the looks of a typical quarterback with his muscles tightening his suit and his sharp jawline, short hair and thick eyebrows. A genuine jock. She didn't miss the displeased look on Piper's face when he stepped up to her to give her a hug, nor the way she reluctantly returned the embrace.

This family must be almost as fucked up as me, Alex thought to herself.

And the only reason Piper hadn't ended up like her parents was going to be buried today.

Luckily, Piper still had Alex and Cal who eventually put an end to this uncomfortable situation.

"I'm sure that she's pretty happy to see us all together again."

Alex liked that guy. Even though Cal was more of a normal dork, Alex could tell that he was smarter than the most of them because he had his heart in the right place, unlike the rest who only had a dry lump in their chest. He was the kind of guy you could have a beer with, make witty jokes and have a deep conversation with at the same time. Although Alex knew even less about Piper's family than about the blonde, she kinda had the feeling that, despite her body lying in a coffin, their grandmother would remain alive inside Piper and her younger brother.

The church bells let them know that it was time for them to say their final goodbye. And Alex was right by her side, even though her mind was jumping between the odd feeling of almost having been in the same situation as Piper and some snow for her igneous body. But this wasn't about her. Piper needed her.

* * *

When the ceremony was over, they had driven to the Chapman mansion, the castle Piper had grown up in. All this time, Alex had been by her side, and still was when they were sitting at the grand table in the state dining room. The raven-haired woman wondered how often they had eaten at this table in the past. It would have been ridiculous, even for Piper's family, to sit at this oak table only to eat some cereals. Yet, how likely was it that they ate cereals?

Turning her head to the side to solve this mystery, she saw that Piper was busy having a conversation with one of her relatives. So she asked Cal who was sitting to her left.

"Did you used to have lunch here? I mean, you and your parents?"

Knitting his brows, he answered, "Sure, why're you asking?"

Surprised by his response, Alex studied the room that was perhaps almost bigger than her current apartment and eventually explained, "Cause the person who sits across from you is like 10 feet away."

"So?"

Eventually, he dropped his serious expression and Alex gave out a faint chuckle as he told him, "You're better at this than your sister."

"Yeah, I know, she got a really weird sense of humour… in case she even does have some sense of humour," Cal said to her before he took a bite from his crème brulée.

Unlike him, Alex has only been staring at it, she didn't need to try it to know that she wouldn't like it. Caviar and cocaine were constituents of this society but Alex was only pleased with the latter. The rest was garbage wrapped up in sparkling paper in her eyes.

When she took her eyes off the plate, she saw that Piper had turned her back to her, still caught up in the conversation with someone else. Alex wouldn't say that the blonde was ignoring her, there wasn't even a reason for her to assume that, but ever since they had arrived Piper has been giving her the cold shoulder. The model wouldn't really look at her, she would keep a firm distance between them, she would barely talk to her. Wondering if she was just imagining things and Piper's strange, cold behavior was due to her parents, she suddenly heard Cal saying her name.

Raising her brows, she looked at him, "Hm?"

"You wanna eat something else?" he repeated himself in a nod to his sister.

"What?"

It took her a moment but when she eventually realised what he meant, she chuckled and nearly stumbled over her own words, "Oh, no no no, just not really my type."

She herself wasn't sure if she was talking about the crème blurée or Piper.

And as if Cal could hear her thoughts, his question would have been blatant if Alex hadn't liked him, "Crème blurée or my sister?"

 _Both._

"Crème blurée of course," she lied.

"But you like my sister?"

The brunette shot a quick glance over her shoulder, only to find an empty seat next to her before she returned her gaze on Cal and replied, "Sure, I mean, we're friends."

 _Liar._

Instead of giving an answer, his face was deadpan and that look slightly reminded her of Piper when she would make a snarky comment or would be a sarcastic ass. He probably got it from her.

So she did something that she had learned from Piper as well and scoffed, saying, "What?"

Resting his elbow on the table to cup his chin with his palm, he was still giving the brunette the same look before he sighed and told her, "Even my mother knows that you're not friends."

When he mentioned Mrs Chapman, Alex was suddenly aware of her piercing stare from across the room and returned it until Piper's mother gave in.

"The media tends to cook up stories… fairy tales… they're kinda like the Grimm Brothers," the raven-haired woman said to him, thinking that their assumptions regarding the relationship between Piper and her were due to the recent events.

Cal had sly smile on his face when he shook his head in response. Furrowing her brows, she eventually heard him say, "I may not look too smart Alex but you know I'm not talking about the things I might have seen on TV or the internet."

He could see that the brunette knew that her cover was blown. Nonetheless, he added, "I'm talking about the things I've seen today."

Placing her glasses on top of her head, she arched an eyebrow at him, trying to slip into her usual cocky self and asked, "So, what have you seen today Cal?"

Alex nearly spit her drink out when Cal answered, "That you wanna fuck her."

Everyone who was within their earshot instantly glanced at them, and Cal muttered a sheepish apology under his breath before he looked at Alex again and said, "I keep forgetting that this is a serious and sad occasion… but I think you get my point."

The brunette remained silent, though, trying to put on a pokerface. So Piper's brother continued, "Oh come on, you think I don't know my sister? She's a horrible liar."

"Yeah she is," Alex absentmindedly agreed.

She was torn out of her trance when Cal let out a chuckle, yet again drawing other people's eyes on them.

Whilst his sister was still gone, he lowered his voice before he asked Alex, "How is she? Like, really?"

"Not too good, I just think dealing with emotional chaos isn't one of her strong suits."

"It's never been, that's why she runs away."

"Yeah, tell me about it."

"I know she can be a real pain in the ass."

Based on the tone of his voice, Alex knew that he had left his sentence unfinished. What she didn't notice, though, was that Cal was waiting for her to correct him.

So she kept quiet and waited for him to speak up again until the realisation hit her and she said, "You're waiting for a but from me?"

"Duh! Obviously."

"Your description is really accurate, she can be a real pain in the ass."

"Who's a real pain in the ass?" a third voice suddenly asked, making Alex and Cal turning their heads around.

"Not you. You're an ass Danny, disturbing our conversation."

"Oh, stop whining Cal, I wanna get to know Piper's friend, too," Danny replied, having a smug grin on his as he sat down on Piper's chair that was still empty.

"There's not much to know about me," the brunette told him and tried her best not to roll her eyes at him and his approaches.

"Oh come on Alex, don't belittle yourself. You're a MMA champion, a real athlete, already a legend."

"See, you already know everything about me."

Although she really wasn't in the mood to talk to Piper's older brother, she had manners nonetheless and turned in her chair so she could look at both Cal and Danny.

When he was eyeing her deeply, Cal stopped Alex from saying something by saying something himself, "We're still at Grandma's funeral, Dan. And besides, I'm pretty sure Alex has hooked up with more women than you ever will."

"Oh geez," Alex muttered under her breath, wondering where she had gotten herself in when she had agreed without batting an eye that she would accompany Piper.

Wondering where Piper was, she wasn't aware of that pair of blue eyes watching them.

"That's why I wanna get to know her."

Although Alex was the topic of the discussion, she was no longer part of it as the two brothers were the only ones who were talking. And the raven-haired woman couldn't figure out if they were teasing each other or actually having a debate.

"To learn how to finally lose your virginity?" the younger brother asked.

"Oh please Cal, don't be ridiculous. I was bringing home girls when you were still learning to walk… No, I just wanna know if she was up to something new. Women tend to be quite exhausting, occasionally."

Although she would agree with him on that last past, Alex turned to him, looking him in the eye as she said, "Yeah, they do. But it's even more exhausting waiting for a guy to get it up."

Alex was on her feet before he could even reply and heard a husky chuckle falling from Cal's lips.

"Even though I'm still good, I think I should slowly go and find a bathroom… I bet by the time I will have found one I'll have to relieve myself."

"Go back to the entrance hall and then just up the stairs, there's one on the right," Cal explained to her through his laughter that he was trying to suppress.

She winked at him before she made her way to the bathroom.

* * *

Like a devil and an angel over her shoulders, Alex's mind and her heart were controlling her. And she could never tell which organ was what. Nevertheless, she kept walking to the bathroom and bumped into no one else but Mrs Chapman. If she knew what the brunette was about to do, Alex would spend the rest of her life locked up in a prison. And this time, it would be an actual prison, not that cage inside herself that was making her feel claustrophobic.

"Mrs Chapman," Alex said when they met in the hallway and were face to face.

"Ms Vause."

Although she wanted to correct Piper's mother and tell her to call her by her first name, she tossed that thought away. Based on the way the shorter, older woman was looking down at her, she wouldn't care anyway.

To her surprise, she asked the brunette, "Can I help you?"

Holding her gaze, Alex replied coolly, "I was just on my way to the bathroom."

Mrs Chapman just nodded, but Alex knew that it wasn't a symbol of approval. She would never accept her. However, Alex shouldn't waste her thoughts on it. It wasn't like Piper and her would have a future together. Even though it was absurd, the raven-haired woman began to fear that Piper's mother could look into her head. If she kept eyeing her like that, Alex was sure she would find out everything.

So the brunette arched an eyebrow before she continued her way, ruining every possible conversation. When she walked past Mrs Chapman and assumed to be seeing the right door to the bathroom, her steps stopped as she heard, "Have you seen my daughter?"

Standing with her back to her, Alex answered, "No," and looked at her over her shoulder, "but I'm looking for her, too."

Maybe she was just being paranoid, and the lack of drugs and desperate desire for them were messing with her mind, but Alex knew that _she knew_. Alex didn't know what she knew but she did.

Yet, why should Alex worry about it. Piper has been treating her like a ghost this whole day anyway. Their ways were going to part as soon as she would have dropped the blonde off by her apartment. So, whatever.

Feeling her stare on her, Alex approached the bathroom nonetheless and exhaled deeply when she shut the door and leaned against it with her back. Finally, she was free, being able to give in to one of the two things that captured her the most. Lately, she's been growing fond of her Xanax, those small bars could never fail to calm her down. They were her medicine. And she instantly felt lighter when it slid down her throat.

She was staring at her reflection in the giant mirror above the marble sink when she heard a soft knock on the door. Luckily, they were already starting to kick in so Alex wouldn't even care if it was Mrs Chapman whom she would find on the other side of the door. Alex wasn't afraid of her. But she was no fool. Piper's mother was powerful, if someone could see that it had to Alex who was constantly craving for power and control to keep her world in balance.

Checking herself one last time, she eventually reached for the door knob and unlocked the door. Actually, she could have expected to find her.

"Pipes," she said with her raspy voice, clearing her throat, "I was actually looking for-"

But things were moving too quickly that she missed the chance to finish her sentence, and missed the look in her blue eyes. Instead, she found herself stumbling backwards into the bathroom when Piper lunged at her, attacking her with kisses.

Her soft hands immediately roamed over Alex's torso under her dark jacket and a sharp breath escaped from the brunette's mouth when her back hit the mosaic wall.

"Piper," she breathed out when their lips broke apart, Piper's plastering her neck.

It didn't only totally catch her off guard that Piper was about to fuck her against the wall in the house of her family. In fact, she was certain that she had crossed the line between sanity and insanity and eventually ended up in the prison of madness.

Piper was unzipping her tight black pants as she said against the pale skin of her neck, "You really have no shame."

Yet, Piper was the one trapping her against the cold wall. Considering the circumstances, Alex only managed to let out a husky, "What?"

"Bathroom, Alex. Don't think I wouldn't know by now what that means."

Reluctantly, the raven-haired woman demanded all her willpower and grabbed Piper's wrist, putting a small distance between to make her look at her, "Piper, what- what the hell are you doing? What is this?"

"What does it look like?"

The blonde diminished every chance for her to speak up as she freed herself from her grip and continued shoving down her pants.

"I saw you talking with Danny," Piper said against her lips before she captured them in a passionate kiss.

The more Piper was touching her, the harder it was for Alex to find some sort of explanation. Piper was talking nonsense, her words didn't make any sense and her own senses were getting more and more sensitive with every kiss. Alex's head was a hazy mess, due to Piper and Xanax. All she had wanted was to calm down and she was nearly panting because Piper was sucking the air out of her lungs with her lips and tongue.

As the model pushed her own body against hers, Alex was nearly caving in the wall. Her pants were off eventually and Piper was stroking her clit, making it hard for Alex to function.

Nonetheless, she somehow managed to slow down the kiss and said, "And? I don't know what you want from me."

"What did he want from you?" Piper instantly responded, not having troubles at talking.

Alex had heard that tone in Piper's voice before. Eventually, she knew what this was about.

"Are you jealous?" she asked with a bewildered tone in her voice.

"Alex, I never have to be jealous of anyone when it comes to you."

Before she explained what she meant, one of her hands let go of Alex's boob and were inside the pocket of her jacket.

"There's nothing in this world you love more than this shit," the model eventually told her as she was holding the little box of Alex's antidotes in her hand that was still inside the pocket of her jacket.

Her hand was pressed against her stomach, Alex knew what she was referring to. Their eyes were locked on each other, taking each other in until the brunette said through gritted teeth, "Fuck you."

But Piper was on her knees before she could push her away from her and Alex couldn't help herself but elicit a throaty moan when the blonde ripped the last piece of clothing down and was kissing her inner lips. It was all so wrong, she knew it. They both did. Yet, this realisation had never been an obstacle to them. This wasn't love. It was absolute and raw madness. Alex wasn't good enough for Piper to even acknowledge her existence but she fucked her good enough to forget about her brokenness. All they did was use, and Alex used so many drugs she has eventually become one herself. And Piper had been the first one who had tried her and had instantly fallen for it. Goddamn junkies. In the end, they would always infect others with their addiction.

Not caring if she was going to mess up her bun, Alex's hand got lost in her blonde hair to hold her head in place and to find some grip as well. When the blonde placed her hands on her bare thighs and began to use her tongue to explore her mound, Alex felt how her legs gave in for a second. Mostly, it was Alex who was going down on her. Maybe that was why her whole body was losing all kind of stability every time the tables were turned. Because, when Piper's face was between her legs, it was a reincarnation for Alex. She died with every kiss and came back to life by every thrust. It was always on and off. Just like their relationship.

Finally, Piper's tongue entered her and Alex's lungs struggled to provide her with oxygen. She was sure, Piper was going to be the death of her. Nevertheless, everyone had to die of something, so she let the toxic pleasure take her over.

She threw her head back when Piper hit deep, sensitive spots inside of her with her wet tongue. All this time, she was biting on her bottom lip to silence herself. Not because they were at a funeral and at the house of Piper's parents but because she didn't want to give the blonde satisfaction. After all, Alex was supposed to be in control, she was having the upper hand in this relationship. Despite this unbalance she was stuck in, she didn't want to let it mess with her. She couldn't change it anyway, only Piper could. But she never would because she didn't love Alex, the brunette was only her toy.

As Piper was ripping her body apart and making her feel more and more dizzy, Alex intensified her grip on her golden hair and could feel how the ache in the pit of her stomach was growing. It felt like getting waves of goosebumps every time the blonde sank in deeper. If she could have been able to focus or concentrate on anything else than Piper's tongue inside of her, she would have wondered what her words from earlier had meant. Piper truly didn't know how much Alex loved her.

Alex wanted to punch a hole into the wall behind her when she could feel her climax building up and had nothing steady to hold onto except a handful of blonde hair. Her closed eyes flew open and her gaze was hazy when she fell apart above Piper. It was nearly embarrassing how she and her whole being expired every time the model made her come.

Whilst the woman between her was licking her clean, hitting some sensitive nerves in the process, Alex released her hair and had nearly become a component of the wall as Piper got on her feet and faced her, after she had put her pants on for her. Although the raven-haired woman had Xanax in her system, it had failed to throttle her orgasm nonetheless.

The look on Piper's face was foreign. She couldn't read it, it was written in hieroglyphs. So she kept holding her gaze and waited for Piper's next move.

Eventually, something evolved on her face and wonder was in her blue eyes as she almost whispered, "I will never understand you."

And with those words, she turned her back on her and walked out of the room.

* * *

She used to be almost every day at the gym. But now, standing in front of it, she could barely recall the last time she had been there. What she did remember, though, was what happened that last time. And those memories made her legs heavier than stone as she was about to walk through that door. But having to share her apartment with Nicky and her habits could even convince an introverted loner like Alex to bite the bullet.

The funeral had been two days ago but Alex didn't want to think about it. She would just end up thinking about Piper whom she hasn't seen ever since. Alex couldn't tell in what kind of state they were in but, that was nothing new. In the end, their paths always met, no matter if there was a deep ocean or a whole dimension between them. _Doomed to be together._ It was already awful that she didn't need to have her around to still see her. No matter if it were the drugs or the blonde herself, both were really messing with her mind. And now she was thinking about her, doing exactly what she hadn't wanted. Alex should really start listening to herself.

Yet, hasn't she all this time?

When her body was asking for a rush, she listened.  
When her brain was fighting against her feelings, she listened.  
When her heart was craving for Piper, she listened.

She was a junkie.  
She was a slave.  
She was a prisoner.

Would she ever be free?

Forever trapped in her own cage of lust and destruction.

Still better than the prison that was the world, though.

It was always so easy for her to drown in her thoughts that they could turn into a paralysis for her. Stuck in them, she kept standing in front of the door, her emerald eyes fixed on it but not really seeing it until it swung open all of a sudden.

"You've always been such a deep thinker."

Nicky's voice and her appearance dragged her back to reality, and her eyes zoned in again.

"Nicky," the brunette greeted her friend, about to enter the huge building when the shorter woman stepped aside.

They were face to face when Alex scratched her neck and said, "I'm really sorry, Nick. For everything… but I sure as hell ain't gonna drop on my knees in front of you."

"Then you have to hug me, like, really hug me. Hug me like one of your French girls."

Alex has never been fond of physical contact, she would only make exceptions when it would involve sex. And hugs were just overrated in her opinion. Nonetheless, she really had to make up for the things she had done to her best friend and was about to embrace her when she added, "Or rather, your only French girl."

"Shut up," the raven-haired woman replied and leaned down, putting her arms around Nicky who returned the embrace so tightly that Alex dramatically breathed out, "You're breaking my ribs."

"Don't be such a dramatic bitch, you're a MMA fighter," Nicky told her, intensifying the hug.

Whilst Alex was waiting to finally drop her arms, Lorna was the one who released her.

"Aw, look at you guys, you're so cute."

When they broke apart, Lorna didn't give Alex the chance to recover as she hugged her as well. Alex reluctantly put an arm around her, seeing a shit-eating grin on her best friend's face.

"The lost birdie found its way back to the nest," Nicky commented and led them down the stairs to the secret gym.

Her best friend was still ahead of her when she opened the metal doors and entered the hall. To Alex's relief, there was barely anyone training. Darting a glance to her right, she wondered if Red was there. But Nicky interrupted her thoughts, "How's your girlfriend, Sasquatch?"

Before Alex could correct her, Lorna spoke up with surprise in her high voice, "You have a girlfriend?"

The brunette sighed as they walked towards Red's office, and when she noticed in what direction they were going, she stopped dead in her tracks, "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Chill Vause. She's not here," Nicky informed her and opened the door.

After the wild-haired woman closed the door behind them and Alex sat down on the armchair in the corner of the room, Lorna glanced at her and urgently asked, "What about that girlfriend, Alex?"

"It's pretty serious, Alex accompanied her to a funeral this week," Nicky said as she leaned against the desk, her arms crossed in front of her chest.

"What? Oh my god, I'm so sorry. What happened?"

Alex could say that they had buried their relationship. But in order to avoid boring questions, she explained, "Piper's grandmother died of cancer."

Lorna's eyes were fixed on Nicky before they jumped on Alex, and Alex knew that look. Cancer seemed to be her constant companion in life, that was what on everyone's mind. So she said nonchalantly, "But she's okay. The sun still rises in the morning."

Yet, not in her life.

They were interrupted when the door opened and Alex's heart slipped to the ground. But the person who asked Lorna for help was a new face to the raven-haired woman. As Lorna walked out of the room, Nicky assured her, "I'm gonna tell you everything about Piper in detail later."

The door fell shut and the short woman was rewarded with a deadpan look from Alex.

"Stop being so grumpy and tell me, what has happened the past months? How did the funeral go?"

When the brunette hesitated to speak up and was fumbling with her glasses, Nicky no longer needed to know what had happened. The only thing she didn't know was how it had happened.

So she asked, giving her taller friend a piercing stare, "What did you do? Or didn't do?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing, like nothing big or nothing as in I'm an ignorant ass who isn't aware of it or nothing as in-"

"Nothing, Nicky. Just and simply nothing."

Silence settled around them for a moment, and Alex began to bounce her leg, avoiding her friend's eyes.

Eventually, Nicky thought she had solved the mystery.

She let out a deep chuckle as she said, "Shit, did the fire burn out?"

"Fire? What kind of fire?" the jet-haired woman asked, her brows knitted.

"Well you know, the lesbian dead bed, it's an actual thing."

"What? No, that's not- why am I even talking to you," Alex scoffed.

"Cause I'm the only person your sociophobic, lonesome ass can talk with… you can't even talk with your girlfriend."

"She's not my girlfriend, okay?" the brunette stated, slight irritation in her low voice.

Although her friend seemed to be truly upset, Nicky's grin didn't fade and Alex wanted to rip it off her but eventually heard her say, "That's the snag!"

Alex just sighed before she replied exhaustedly, "Just leave it be, okay?"

Whilst the brunette was staring at nothing particular, Nicky was eyeing her suspiciously.

She knew that it was only a matter of time until her friend was going to break her silence. And she did.

"I don't know what she wants from me. I tell her I love her but she doesn't believe me, I'm there for her when she needs me but it's not enough, I do whatever she asks me to but it's still not right. What the fuck is this, Nicky? I'm so done being her clown, it's pissing me off. I don't need to be her girlfriend or something like that, I don't care if we're just fucking as long as she's just fucking me…and not with my mind… like, the other day, at the funeral? She was ignoring me the whole time and the next second she's pushing me against the wall and goes down on me. I don't care if she's using me you know? I just need some clarity, I'm having a migraine from this whole push-and-pull thing. It's not like she's know all along that I do drugs, yet she gets mad every time she knows I'm high. Sometimes I just wanna shoot my brains out to get her out of it. She can be pretty persistent. I don't understand her and then, ha, that's actually the best thing, then she turns the tables and says that she doesn't understand me. Isn't that funny?"

The room was silent as it took Alex a while to realise that she had been ranting the past seconds. The realisation hit her when she saw Nicky's face, so she said, "I sound fucking pathetic, don't I? Fuck this love shit, I'm done with it. I should have left her when I could."

"You two are gonna be the next Bonnie and Clyde," her best friend eventually said, winning her green gaze.

"Nicky, this is serious."

"I wasn't joking, you two are nuts."

This time, Alex only gave her a look in response and let herself fall into the armchair.

Seeing her friend so helpless was actually a surprise for Nicky. Even though it wasn't too easy for her, she decided to drop the sarcasm and inappropriate remarks and told her, "You should end it. Whatever it is, this thing between you two, end it. You would just keep hurting each other until one of you is gonna end up in the loony bin."

"I don't think that's necessary, I haven't seen her since the funeral. So, it might be over between us, I never know. It's been over between us pretty often but… that's not what this is about. Even if it's over, it's not really over, you know? I mean, shit Nicky, not even the H helps."

This time, it was Nicky's turn to be silent. She had a past with drugs as well, one that might be even slightly more excessive than Alex's who was doing a good job at beating hers. Finally, she understood Alex's problem.

They were looking at each other when the short woman explained, "Honestly? You might be thinking that you don't deserve better or good things at all but this Piper girl, she's not good for you. Maybe you're not good for her either but… you really love her. Love is really blind, kid. And crazy."

As Alex was expecting another long speech, she was surprised when Nicky suddenly stopped talking. Frowning at her, she asked, "That's it? That's all you gotta say?"

"That's all I can say, you ungrateful horse's ass. There's not really much I can do, there's not really much anyone can do for you cause you love her. It's a blessing and a curse… but, if she does come back to you, you should try not taking her back. That's my only tip for you."

Quitting Piper?

That was no solution, solely because it wasn't realistic.

Maybe Alex should get used to being her fool for the rest of her life, maybe this was her purpose in life from now on, falling for one drug after another.

Nonetheless, she was contemplating her friend's words until the door swung open another time. And this time, Alex's heart dropped to the ground with good reason.

"Kiddo."

There she was, with her red hair and that familiar warmth behind her hard shell. It was impossible for Alex to escape, so she watched Nicky moving away from the table to leave the two alone. To Alex's surprise, there was no suffocating tension in the room when the door closed behind Nicky. Watching her former trainer taking her jacket off and taking a seat behind her desk, Alex was wondering if she should say something or remain silent.

But as she used to, Red took care of her and spoke up first for her.

"How are you?"

For the first time, the brunette heard uncertainty in her thick voice. Maybe she wasn't angry with her anymore, maybe Alex could pick her heart up from the ground again.

"Still alive," she replied, giving her a sly smirk that Red returned.

"Obviously," the Russian woman stated.

The room was about to drown in silence but that was the last thing Alex wanted. So she took action.

"How's the gym? Everything still in good order?"

 _After she had made a big mess._

But Red would always clean after her.

"There are some new girls, they might not be as good as you but they've got great potential."

"I'm glad to hear that."

As Alex seemed not to be willing to stop tip-toeing, Red eventually put an end to it.

"I'm worried about you, kiddo."

 _She would always be._

Surprised by her sudden emotional revelation, Red didn't miss her confused face and continued, "I saw you in Paris, your outburst. You'll always be full of energy but you're just letting it go to waste."

"Where else should I use it? I still don't have my license back… and neither do I have a trainer."

"What if you yourself became a trainer? Show those girls your skills, share your knowledge-"

"I don't think that's a good idea, Red," Alex cut her off.

"Why?"

She needed a moment before she spoke up, "Because I'm no role model."

"Alex-"

"Listen, I'm done fighting with you. I'm sorry for the things I said, I can't take them back and it sucks. I just hope that you know that I'm really sorry."

And with that, she was about to leave but Red stopped her when she said, "There's still the big tournament in Vegas."

Standing with her back to the older woman, Alex dropped her hand that had been reaching for the door knob and asked, "What about it?"

"Do you still wanna fight?"

The brunette looked at her over her shoulder, telling her, "I don't think that's a good idea… besides, it's over for me. I lost everything."

But of course Red could see through her, after all, she was still a second mother for her.

"And you don't want to take back what's yours?"

Alex was holding her gaze as her thoughts began to run and grow. Red was giving her a chance, a chance for redemption, a chance for redeeming herself, a chance for finding herself. If she rejected it, she would never get it again.

Nonetheless, she asked, "What about my license?"

A small smile found its way on the red-haired woman's face who approached her new old protégée.

She rested a hand on her shoulder, filling Alex with that familiar warmth and told her with an assuring tone in her voice, "Let me handle that."

After all, she would still clean up after Alex.

* * *

It was still the same week when a soft hand knocked on Alex's front door. She already knew who it was. In the end, she always came back to her like a lost puppy. Furthermore, it was past midnight and that was Piper's loneliest time. Alex didn't even bother to cover up the white hazel on her table and let out a sight before she got up and made her way to her door. Although she had told the doormen not to let anyone in except her mother, Piper would always find a way to her.

So she grabbed the door knob and could bite her own head off when she realised that she was still deeply in love with her.

"Hey," she said, trying to sound as detached as possible.

With her long golden hair and big blue eyes, she was standing in front of her and replied, "Hi… can I come in?"

Alex nodded and stepped aside, _letting her in again._

Her blue gaze instantly fell on the white lines on the table and after Alex closed the door behind them, she walked over to the kitchen, asking, "Do you want a drink?"

Actually, the brunette didn't know what she should or could expect, so she decided to submit to the night. However, Piper's gaze was still on the table when she returned without having gotten an answer. When she caught her staring at the heroin on the table, she was fighting not to roll her eyes and let herself drop on the couch.

Her emerald eyes were on the blonde as she said, "Be my guest," making a hand gesture towards the snowflakes.

Of course it would piss Piper off but, although she might have the looks of an angel, there was devil beneath it. And Alex tried to focus on it to make it easier for herself to let her go for good. Nevertheless, It didn't mean that it wasn't hard for her.

"You know what, maybe I should come back another time when you'll be a bit more mature," the model told and turned around to walk towards the door.

But Alex was done. She no longer wanted to be her doll. So she sprung up from the couch and approached her with big steps.

"Don't you think that's a bit hypocritical?"

Hearing that, Piper instantly turned around to face her, storms forming in her blue eyes. But Alex was no fool. At least not anymore.

"I mean, considering that you're drunk and lonely and horny and only here because you want me to fuck you."

"Fuck you, Al-"

" _Fuck you, Alex,_ yeah yeah, I've heard it before. But I don't need to fuck myself, you already fuck me good enough sweetheart."

"What's that supposed to mean?" the blonde asked and Alex could see that she was really clueless.

But before she would explain, she asked just to be sure, "Are you drunk?"

"No."

"Don't lie to me, I can smell it… how did you get here? You didn't drive yourself, did you?"

That was perhaps the worst part of the story. Alex cared, even if she didn't care.

"No I didn't, are you a cop now?" she asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"Oh shut up."

"What? If you do this thing it's okay but if I do it it's a crime?!"

"What thing, Piper?"

"Coke, heroin, Xanax, whatever it is you're in the mood for."

Usually, the model was the one with the bad temper but Alex was really losing her patience. So, her voice was slightly raised when she said, "Are you being serious? Maybe we should talk when you're sober."

"Oh but you can fuck me when you're not?!"

"Jesus, Piper, what do you want from me? What is your fucking problem again?!"

"You know damn well what my problem is. You're a junkie."

"Oh my god, it's always the same old story. I'm kinda getting tired of this, you know?"

"Really? Too bad cause I'm actually having a good time every time we're together and you're high."

"Stop right there. We are not together."

As if she wanted to visualise her words, Alex created a distance between them and took a step back.

"No, but you love me. Or at least, you say that you do."

For a second, Alex was actually at a loss for words. She was only staring at the woman in front of her, internally seeing herself getting closer to the loony bin.

"You know what I'd really like to do right now? Blasting my whole brain out so I don't have to listen to you and this shit. I swear to you Piper, one day, one day, I'll have a fucking gun at my temple and you'll be the reason I will pull the trigger."

"Tell me when that time will have come… so I can do that for you."

"You're such a fucking, stuck-up, psycho bitch, I can't even believe that I love you."

"Neither can I," Piper immediately replied, her blue hazy eyes piercing the brunette.

"Why? Cause I'm snorting a line every now and then? Or pop some pills? That's why you doubt my feelings? Wow, that's- I'm actually speechless."

"Go to fucking hell, Alex. You know what this is about. People die of this-"

Alex cut her off by saying with the slightest desperation in her voice, "I already am in hell, every time I'm with you… and trust me, it's way more likely that I'll die of you because I don't even have the chance to overdose. You know what, watch me, I'll try to overdose now, yeah? Is that what you want? Do you wanna see with your own eyes that only you can kill me?!"

"I hate you so much."

"Oh, I know. I know you do… just like you know that I love you but still treat me like shit-"

"Like shit?! When did I treat you like shit?" the blonde nearly yelled.

"When didn't you? See, you can't even remember when because you're not even aware of it. Maybe it's not even your fault. Seriously, I'm so fucking done being a fool for you."

When Piper couldn't answer, she watched Alex walking away from her to prepare her kill, distributing a bag of heroin on the glass table.

"Stop," she eventually said and stormed towards the brunette, pushing her away from the table.

"Do you think just because I love you the world stops spinning and nothing else exists?!"

"Fuck you."

"But baby, you're my world."

"You're such a fucking lunatic asshole."

Her emerald eyes were fixed on Piper when she told her, "Oh please, you love that. You love that a fucking lunatic asshole loves you… because it makes you feel special. Because you think you're just ordinary, although you're a freak like me."

"I'm not like you," she snarled, perhaps because she herself knew that it was a lie.

"Because you're such a good girl and so damn better than me? I fuck good enough for one night but I'm too fucked up for a whole life, that's the point, isn't it? That's why you can't say it."

Maybe Alex hated being stuck in this unbalance. Maybe it did bother her that she did everything and even did the impossible and confessed her feelings to Piper, only to get them ripped apart. She was sick and tired of it. And so desperate that she wouldn't even care if Piper lied to her.

"Alex-"

"You don't want all of me, only those parts that are good enough for you to forget about your own shit. But this, this is too much for you… because it will kill you, just like it killed me."

Their faces were only a few inches apart, and in a short moment of silence, their eyes were devouring each other. But as she usually was the one, Piper eventually gave in.

"You're so unbelievably self-righteous, did you know that? You think just because you warn people and occasionally remind them that you're a narcissistic psychopath it's their fault if they expect better from you. But that's not how it works. You can't just concoct your alibi and wipe out every possibility of being the one to blame. You're so- you're such a maniac… God… you're so full of shit, and I hate it. And I hate you, Alex. I fucking hate you… because I love you. You're killing me and I still love you. And I hate that you can do this, you could push me off a cliff and I would still love you. So fuck you for that."

Taking big steps to destroy every distance between them, her emerald eyes pierced the person in its view. They were looking for something.

"Don't say that."

The blonde frowned instantly, almost yelling with a bewildered tone in her voice, "What?!"

"Don't say something you can't take back."

"You know that I hate you."

"That's not what I was talking about."

Then she understood. Alex was looking at her as if she had just confessed the biggest crime in the human history. And that crime was that she loved Alex.

"I do, I do love you, Alex. Although I know that you'll always love yourself more than me which is why you'll always pick drugs over me, I still love you. And I think I love you more than I hate you."

 _Tell me pretty lies  
_ _Look me in the face  
_ _Tell me that you love me  
_ _Even if it's fake  
_ _Cause I don't fucking care at all  
_ _  
You been out all night  
_ _I don't know where you been  
_ _You slurring all your words  
_ _Not making any sense  
_ _But I don't fucking care at all_

 _Cause I have hella feelings for you  
_ _I act like I don't fucking care  
_ _Like they ain't even there  
_ _Cause I have hella feelings for you_

 _I act like I don't fucking care  
_ _Cause I'm so fucking scared  
_ _I'm only a fool for you  
_ _And maybe you're too good for me_

 _I'm only a fool for you  
_ _But I don't fucking care,  
I don't fucking care  
_ _But I don't fucking care at all_

But that was the worst part of the story. Alex cared, even if she didn't care.


	22. Sell Me A Dream

_Chapter 22: Sell Me A Dream_

An I love you that meant nothing. It could be a beautiful lie, a desperate wish, a hopeless chance, a way out of loneliness. They weren't too rare, love has been dead for a while. Yet, when she said it, it had been her purpose to resuscitate it. There had been a big void before her in Alex's chest, a void that had been covered in snow and living off ecstasy, growing colder and darker with every day. Then she had come along, like an angel sent from heaven. It would be fatal if she forgot that even the devil used to be an angel, though.

Nonetheless, she had come along and had planted a small, weak heart in this ninguid desert. And Piper was the sun that made it grow. And she was the joy that filled it with life. And she was the pain that could make it stop beating. And Alex knew; as easily as she had placed it inside her ribcage, as easy was it for her to remove it. So one day, when the blonde would die in her world full of addictions and madness, Piper wouldn't break her heart. In the end, Alex would just be heartless again. This snowy void would return. She would be dead for the rest of her life.

But this I love you was real, pure, true. At least Piper knew that it was. It wasn't her fear or the night or the liquor that had made her say it. In the end, they were only breakers. Promise-breakers, heart-breakers, and most of all, broken. But that hadn't driven her to say it. She loved Alex.

Yet, not even the alcohol could disguise the disbelief in her cold emerald eyes. Piper didn't understand. Again, she was lost in that dark-haired maze. She had never experienced true love but wasn't love the weapon that could beat everything. Love was meant to be overpowering and knew no borders or limits.

So, why was Alex looking at her as if she was a liar. Or a criminal. An unwelcome parasite that had crept into her without permission. The enemy of her hazy state.

Why was she making Piper feel like she had just ripped her apart with her bare hands?

Maybe it was the hazel in her blood that was impregnating her with numbness and inability to feel. Her hazy mind wasn't capable of understanding.

Therefore, her cerulean eyes kept invading Alex's emeralds, and she said softly, "I love you, too."

Maybe she would hear her now.

But she was standing still in front of her, like a lifeless corpse with even deader eyes.

So Piper reached forward, reaching her, and let her soft fingertips carefully run over her pale cheek, touching porcelain as she was afraid of breaking her.

Maybe she would feel her now.

"It doesn't make sense," Alex eventually said, her hazy eyes lost in the space between them and Piper knew what her words meant.

 _We don't make sense._

"I know."

Finally, she got her and Alex's gaze met hers and the blonde could see that she understood her.

Whilst her fingers were running down her ivory neck, Piper asked with a determined tone, "But, does it matter?"

At first, Piper thought that the brunette wanted to remove her hand when she grabbed it. Instead, she intertwined it with her own.

"You know what you mean to me, Piper. Nothing can change that, not even the drugs. But that doesn't mean that you can change me, if that's what you want then… then it doesn't make sense that you love me. You think you're in love but in the end, you just want to be loved. I'm no option, an alternative to the rest until you find someone better than me-"

"I will love you even after everything that you've done to me, there's no one else, no one better… because I love you. And it's not that I think that I love you because you love me. I love you because I just do," the model softy explained, and a small smile was forming on her face when she added sheepishly, "you're not the only who broke our promise."

This was the calm after the storm. As loud and violent they had been not even moments ago, they were just as sedate and serene now. That ecstasy yet again made them feel like the only two persons on the planet after they had entered their own world where nothing external could touch them. It was only them, two souls drifting side by side through their cursed paradise. And Alex was unaware that she had let Piper in without hesitation, although there were voices, her last piece of sanity and even Nicky, telling her not to be fooled by Piper and her angelic smile. But it was too bittersweet how it didn't make sense. It was too obvious how pointless it was, how pointless they were.

However, Piper was right. It didn't matter.

Alex couldn't let Piper go although she wanted to. And only Piper herself could let herself go. But instead, she had just become what Alex was bleeding, she had become what Alex was breathing, she had become what Alex was living. So in the end, Alex would be nothing without her. She would literally run dry, suffocate, and die. A long time ago, she hadn't cared if today would be her last day. But that was before she had found something, _someone_ , she would not only die, but live for as well. Ultimately, Piper was her resurrection and her extinction. Not even the fact that Alex would kill her someday, a fact that was carved in stone, was able to fade that out. She felt alive around Piper, with Piper. And that rush got her so high like a shot right into her veins.

Despite her drugged nebula, she didn't miss Piper's smile. Neither did she miss the way those sky-blue eyes could be the perfect mask to hide the real identity behind them.

"Piper," she began, a dead scoff cutting her off. "You know what I am."

But the blonde seemed to have thought this through.

"Yes, you do drugs. But that doesn't mean that it defines you. You are so much more to me… you just have a good way to make me forget about it sometimes."

The way she said it let Alex know that her words were no longer meant to be spiteful. They returned to their familiar banter, teasing each other instead of hurting the other one. Nonetheless, the brunette knew that Piper had been serious about it.

But all it took for Piper was to give her this cheeky grin, and Alex's heart killed all that anger and rage and darkness within a second. It was so unfairly sweet and so sweetly cruel.

As they were still standing face to face, Alex reluctantly raised a brow at her, and that smug grin that Piper loved to hate appeared. "Sometimes?"

"Occasionally," the blonde sheepishly corrects herself and added when Alex's brow nearly reached her hairline, "depends on how often we see each other."

"Wait, hold up. This isn't some subtle move to make me move in with you, is it?"

Although the sole thought should frighten her, she was quite calm. Probably because of the drugs in her blood.

Hopefully.

It would spare them and some of their nerves as well if things could be so light and easy between them. But who wanted easy. Granted, it hadn't been their choice to have such a complex and toxic mind-fucking relationship. Nonetheless, there was hardly anything that could make them feel this alive. Together, they were something. Together, they were living. And without each other, they were just existing. And in the end, there was nothing worse than being ordinary.

Her blue eyes were big and wide when she asked, "You think I'm suicidal?"

"Ouch."

There was a fake hurt look on the brunette's face but they knew when they were hurting each other. And hurting Alex wasn't on Piper's mind when she had asked her that question.

Nonetheless, Alex was pouting and there was nothing the model could do but kiss her. So she eventually did and when their lips met, they both forgot why they had been fighting in the first place. The only thing on their minds was that they love each other. And there were times when love could be enough. Eventually, love was the weapon that could beat everything. Though it didn't mean that love was invincible.

* * *

They have been lying in Alex's bed for a while now and for a change, their hearts were beating in a steady rhythm and they weren't violently gasping for air as they usually would every time their bodies would be next to each other. Tonight, that kiss had only been a tender kiss and hadn't turned into something exciting and ecstatic. So Piper was plastered in her side, her face resting on her chest and Alex was so busy playing with their intertwined fingers that she couldn't fall asleep. She was actually thinking Piper was fast asleep but, when a soft giggle escaped her mouth, Alex realised that she wasn't the only one who was still awake.

The model was giggling again as she asked, "What are you doing?"

"Analysing your fingers."

"And, what does the future has in store for me?"

Although Piper couldn't see her, a smirk was on Alex's face when she stated, "You read palms, not fingers dummy."

"I know, _smartass_. I just wanted to make sure that you know that, too."

"Who's the smartass now?"

In response, Piper just planted a soft kiss against her neck and whispered against her ivory skin, "Let's sleep."

Despite her weariness, Alex turned their hands around so that she was holding Piper's palm. Sleep was for the dead.

"I see death," the brunette suddenly says, holding Piper back from falling asleep.

Sleepily, she mumbled, "What?"

"Death will find you if I won't get my shirt back."

As Piper had come to her rather unprepared, the raven-haired woman had given her an old band shirt she could sleep in. Unbeknownst to the model, it was a shirt of her father's band. But she didn't want to waste such a peaceful night with such a wasteful disappointment that was her own sire. Still, that shirt was one of the favourite piece of clothes she owned. Though she had to admit that Piper looked slightly better than her in it, presumably because she mixed that shirt only with her black panties.

A soft chuckle dragged her out of that haze of nostalgia.

"It's just a shirt Al."

"No, it's not just a shirt. See, you don't even appreciate it."

The blonde placed another light kiss against her neck before she said, "You're such a weirdo."

Alex could actually hear the smile in her own words and the corners of her own lips instantly rose as well. For some reason, she couldn't hold her own tongue and the words slipped out of her. "And yet people tell _me_ to stay away from you."

She was talking about Nicky's words but realised that they were meaningless. Her best friend knew her but, she didn't know Piper. And once she would know the blonde, she would realise why Alex wasn't capable of letting her go.

But she forgot that Piper didn't see everything that was going on on her mind.

"What people?"

Suddenly, the model sounded wide awake and Alex couldn't hold back a chuckle. Of course those words would win her attention. Yet, when Piper pulled away to prop herself up on her elbow and Alex returned her gaze, she added with a cheeky grin, "Cause people tell me the same."

Actually, the brunette's eyes were wider than Piper's. "What? What people?"

"Oh come on baby, don't act too surprised."

She leaned down and placed a light kiss on the corner of Alex's mouth before she continued. "Everyone actually… well, except Cal. I think he kinda loves you."

"Hm, maybe I should hit him up some time," the brunette teasingly commented and saw Piper giving her a deadpan look as she lightly slapped her shoulder.

"Idiot."

After that, she let herself drop onto the mattress again, burying her face in the crook of Alex's neck. The raven-haired woman could feel how she was chuckling. A smile was on her face as well and it grew so immensely that it almost hurt her when she heard Piper say against her skin, "I love you more than he does though."

"I know." And she sounded even more honest when she stated, "And I love you more than you love me."

It was true, although she was narcissistic and in love with heroin and coke. Nonetheless, Piper was living inside of her as well, rushing through her blood in the same way her beloved snowflakes did. She loved Piper so much that she didn't even feel that rope around her throat when she had said it. Instead, it gave her the feeling of exhilaration, and relief.

At some point, Piper had risen again and was looking down at the brunette, her blue eyes even bigger as they were filled with pure admiration. With a smile, she said, "Those are some big words, Vause."

"And they're true, too."

Only because they loved each other, it didn't mean that their love could make all their problems disappear. They still had their issues but it made no difference if they were together or apart. Alex would still have her demons and so would Piper. And although they might be each other's demons sometimes as well, there wasn't much they could do about it. They blessed and cursed each other at the same time, and both things haunted them like bloodhounds. One day they healed each other, the next they ripped each other apart. And once you got caught in this web of love, there was no exit anyway.

Eventually, Piper's lips turned into a sheepish smile that she had to hide by hiding her face in the crook of the brunette's shoulder. Alex didn't see her face when she broke the silence. "You're stupid."

Whilst the model was plastered against her side, Alex absentmindedly let her hand run over her back as she asked, "Why? And why are you hiding?"

"I'm hiding from you."

Chuckling, Alex asked, "What?"

"I don't know who you are and what you did to her but you're definitely not Alex."

Alex's laughter instantly grew louder and she propped herself up on her elbow to loot at the woman next to her. "I think you need some sleep kid."

"So you can abduct me while I'm fast asleep cause it's easier?"

"So you can rest your mind cause you're talking gibberish."

"Only if you tell me where she is because _my_ Alex isn't romantic or cheesy at all. Actually, she is a robot."

The brunette raised a brow at Piper when she lifted her head from the pillow to return her gaze. "See, that's why I'm not nice to you."

After that, Alex instantly turned off the lamp on the nightstand next to her and let herself drop onto the mattress again, pulling the blanket up to her chin and closing her eyes.

"Good night," she grumbled.

For a moment, Piper only watched her, a smug grin on her face this time. Alex's eyes were still shut as the blonde admitted after a while, "Aw come on baby, I can't fall asleep when we're fighting."

That was an actual confession.

"Too late."

"Better late than never."

"And never late is better."

"Please, let me love you," Piper pleaded and began to place soft kisses against Alex's neck.

Trying to sound as detached as possible, the raven-haired woman stated, "I'm sleeping."

"No you're not, you're talking to me."

"I talk in my sleep, I do that occasionally."

Another still moment settled around them and Piper's eyes were fixed on her while she was internally deciding what to do. When she eventually knew, she let out a sigh and said softly, "Fine, you need some space. I accept that. Good night," and rolled over, her back turned to Alex.

When the brunette felt how the mattress moved underneath them, she opened one eye to shoot a glance at Piper. Slowly, Alex started to believe that she was being serious. So she said, "I may be asleep but… if you really want to talk with me you can kiss me awake."

"You're sleeping beauty now?"

"Yeah, well, I mean, I'm sleeping and I am a beauty so…"

"You know what, keep sleeping. I'm not sure anymore if I really want to hear you talking."

Alex eventually replied, "You know what you gotta do in case you change your mind."

"I highly doubt that I will."

Seeing how far away Piper was from her, Alex knew that she couldn't fall asleep. There had been a time she hadn't been willing to share her bed with anyone. But now was a new time, a new age, a new life that Piper started. She was the creator of it, the orbit, the religion, the goddess in it. And Alex was her population.

There was an inner conflict inside of her when she grumbled, "Would you… could you… can you please come closer at least?"

She didn't see the cocky smile on the blonde's face. Though she could hear it in her voice. "Alex Vause isn't clingy."

"I'm not clingy, I'm cold. And I need you to warm me, it's a rational solution. And natural. Penguins do this to survive."

Finally, Piper rolled over and was facing her when she told her, "That's something she would say."

Whilst her head was turned to the side to look at the model, she laid down on her back, waiting for her to move closer. Piper was buried in her side again, her arm resting on her stomach and Alex was finally content.

And it was so obvious to Piper that she had to say, "You content now penguin?"

"Yes." The blonde kissed her jaw when Alex added, "Now I can sleep in heavenly peace."

"Yeah, whatever, you sleep talking robot."

It was like a bed was their safe haven. Ever since their first night together, they had been able to be free and real in it. Not only in a sexual way but an emotional way as well. Maybe a bed would work everything out for them. At least, that was how it seemed. In a bed, they exposed their bodies and their souls. They were bare in every way possible. A bed was the visual display of their own little zone. All they had to do was to find a way into it when there was no bed around.

They had their issues but, they had time, too. And most importantly, they loved each other. Love might not always be enough or medicine for everything. It would be a shame if they let it go to waste, though. Love was hard to find, especially for people like them whose hearts were too hurt or too numb to actually see it. Alex never planned to fall in love. Nonetheless, here she was, the best sleep finding her when Piper was next to her. Piper never planned that someone would fall in love with her. Yet, here she was, the only thing that could stop her from admiring the brunette to her side her weary eyes. Unbeknownst to the both of them, they haven't only found love. They have found the strongest and most intense love. It fixed them, it broke them. It was their cure, it was their disease. It was their blessing, it was their curse. It was their life, it was their death. And most of all, it was real.

So, before dreams would capture her that couldn't be as good as the one she was having when she was awake and looking at Alex, she mumbled sleepily, "I love you, too."

 _Is this the start of something wonderful and new?  
_ _Or one more dream that I cannot make true?_

* * *

The sun was up high, hidden behind heavy, grey clouds. But when Piper's cerulean eyes opened and the first thing she saw was Alex, the sun rose all over inside of her. It couldn't be possibly cheesier, yet that was simply how she felt. Someday, she would have to invent a new language that could actually describe and express her feelings for Alex. Until then, she was going to show her how she made her feel. And although she just woke up, she could no longer wait. Alex could get her so high that she thought that she was dreaming although she would be wide awake. Her real life felt too ecstatic to be real. It was an overdose. And the drug was called Alex.

Deep down, she knew why Alex was a junkie. She might never come to that realisation, but it was buried deep inside of her. Addiction was just the price you had to pay to enter heaven.

Alex's back was turned to her, so Piper reached out and wrapped her arm around her toned stomach. As her hold was so tight that she pulled the raven-haired woman closer, she brushed with her other hand black hair aside to kiss the back of her neck. A deeply exhaled breath let Piper know that the woman next to her was awake, too.

But apparently, Alex didn't forget the conversation they had had last night. Because, instead of rolling over to face the blonde, she stretched her arms and sighed softly before she said, "You know what you gotta do to wake me up."

The model instantly rolled her eyes as she propped herself up on one elbow to lean down and press her lips against the corner of Alex's mouth. Not even a second later, the brunette turned her head towards her to return the kiss, their lips eventually meeting. Due to Alex's comment, Piper was the one who ended the kiss and pulled slightly away.

Her voice was rusty as it was thick with sleep. "What's up?"

Piper was looking down at her as she replied, "Nothing much."

"Is that why you woke me up?"

Whilst her arm was still wrapped around her torso, she said to Alex, "I'm bored. And, as a matter of fact, it's my day off today and I don't want to sleep it away."

"Not even with me?"

Piper only gave her a look which made Alex ask with raised brows, "What?"

When the model remained silent, Alex rolled onto her back, and one of her cold hands began to roam over her flawless body until it reached the hem of her shirt. She moved her hand underneath the fabric, touching Piper's skin who didn't hesitate to warn her, "Alex."

"I love it when you say my name like this."

She truly did because they both knew the reason why Piper had said it the way she had. Neither of the two was willing not to finish something they would start. And the way Alex's hand was brushing over her skin, it was no mystery what she was trying to start.

Their relationship had passed the state of being solely sexual a long time ago. Nonetheless, Piper loved having sex with Alex. Unfortunately, Alex knew that, too. Based on the fact that Piper's composure couldn't be more spineless, there wasn't too much Alex had to do to seduce her. After all, Piper also had sex with her when she hated her.

In the end, Piper just didn't want to spend the whole day making out and making it with her. Though it wouldn't be too tragic if they spent the whole morning doing exactly those two things. In the end, she was still traumatised and had to learn what it was like to have somebody who loved her. She didn't doubt that Alex loved her, and the fact that the brunette picked drugs over her wasn't proof that she was a liar. Although Alex might not mean to hurt her, Piper had been hurt before by others. That pain was like an alert, going off every time someone would have the chance to hurt her. But every time it would come to Alex, it would be a false alarm.

That was how much she loved Alex.

She would even let her hurt her.

(It wasn't like she hadn't already.)

Piper saw her green eyes staring at her lips, so she asked grinning at her, "Sex really is the only thing that can put you into a good mood, isn't it?"

With knitted brows, Alex was still gazing at her lips as she traced her thumb over them and answered, "Sex? No."

Her thumb was on Piper's bottom lip when she continued, "Sex with you? Yes."

Eventually, the brunette's hand settled around Piper's neck and she could tell by the look on the model's face that she got under her skin, both physically and metaphorically. Piper was hers, and although it might seem unfair how easy it was for Alex to control her, Alex was ice-cold but would always melt in her hands. There was a balance, one that would be poised when two wrongs would make a right. Wicked games.

But Alex wasn't playing with her when she lifted her head from the pillow and kissed her. It was a reflex that was triggered every time she looked at her. Not to her surprise, the blonde eagerly returned the kiss, already getting lost in it.

Alex loved her even more when her hand that was underneath her shirt found her bare chest due to the fact that she always slept without a bra. Thus she could stroke her breasts and touch her soft skin, making Piper gasp. When the blonde pulled back to release a second moan, Alex gave one of her breasts a strong squeeze, her green eyes fixed on her face. She couldn't hold back a smirk as she saw how Piper was already slowly falling apart only in her hands. Just when she was about to suck on her neck, the model rolled on top of her and kissed her deeply before she whispered against her plump lips, "We can't have sex all the time."

"You think?" Alex replied, her voice husky and she began to press her lips against Piper's sharp jawline.

"I'm serious Al. I mean, now that we're-"

 _Together?_

 _A couple?_

 _In love?_

Her mouth was death instantly and she felt how Piper's warmth left her when she sat up, straddling her lap. As Alex looked up at her, she lifted her head from the pillow and supported her weight with her elbows. She know what she was going to ask, she could see it in her baby-blue eyes. The question they have been avoiding for a long time, and there was no escape. Piper trapped her with her body and her eyes.

The tone in her voice was carefully soft, she almost whispered as if she was afraid that someone or something could hear them. "Alex, what are we?"

All this time, Alex had been dodging this question because she hadn't had an answer. She hadn't wanted to lie to Piper, she hadn't wanted to fill her with false hope, she had been afraid that the right answer might drive Piper away. Alex didn't do dating, she was no 'girlfriend material' that you would bring proudly home to introduce to your parents.

Neither was Piper girlfriend-material. She was this rare and unique 'forever material'. _The one_. Not even her imperfections could change that. When you found such a person, you would be threading on thin ice. Because you had to be careful with them. If you lose them, you might never find such a thing again, you might never find them again. It was a truth that could have become Alex's kryptonite if she hadn't ignored it by ignoring the question. But now Piper was on top of her and looking into her cerulean eyes, Alex saw herself melting in her hands.

Though she had still some roots. "Human? Female? Hot? Gorgeous-"

"Alex."

She only had to say her name to break through her self-defense mechanism.

Their eyes were locked on each other but Alex felt and saw that Piper had the upper hand.

"What do you want us to be?"

It caught her off guard when she saw a smile breaking out on the blonde's face and she heard her say, "Oh no no no, you can't answer a question with another question."

"Who's the smartass again?"

"Still you, without doubt."

The raven-haired woman rolled her eyes before she reached to the side for her glasses and put them on. Her gaze retrieved Piper and the woman above her explained, "I just, I need some clarity. I don't want to do something or get used to doing something when it actually makes you feel uncomfortable. Because, if we're just having an affair, I could never leave a toothbrush at your place. But, if we're dating, I could tell you now that I already have. And that you're never getting this shirt back."

"Shit, what have I gotten myself into," Alex sighed and dramatically placed her hand on her cheek.

Piper mischievously grinned at her and the corners of her lips didn't drop when Alex added, " You know that you're the only one I'm sleeping with, you're the only one I want to sleep with. And, although I'm not as much of a jealous beast like you, I would pretty much appreciate it if I were the only one you want to sleep with, too."

"You would pretty much appreciate it?" the blonde repeated her, her words accompanied by giggle.

"Pipes, I'm trying to display my emotions here."

"We'll definitely have to work on that," Piper told her and would have leaned down kiss her if it wasn't so dangerous.

"Sure thing kid."

They both could see how this conversation was yet again leading into another clear direction of uncertainty. In the end, they would have to thank Piper's professionalism for focusing their minds.

"Though I would pretty much appreciate it if I were the only one you want to be with. And if I were the only one you're seeing. Look, it's okay if that's not what you want. But just tell me before I'll make a fool of myself. If this is just good sex for you then-"

Alex had already sat up and stopped any more words from coming out of her mouth. Her only intention was to not let Piper sink deeper into her nightmare that was her brain. Because the last part of what she had just said was utter rubbish.

The kiss was soft and tender, and short enough to not make them ache. Piper's blue pair was fixed on her when she asked, "Why is it so hard for you to believe that I love you?"

That question's truth was Piper's kryptonite, destroying her from within every time she had to face it. Maybe because her parents couldn't love her. Maybe because the world wouldn't love her if she didn't put on a mask. Maybe because love wasn't real, an illusion that was capturing selfishness and was only meant to manipulate them. Love has been dead before she had been born. And although her fate had been the same, Alex resuscitated everything. After all, Alex was only a human being like everyone else, except that she wasn't like everyone else. She had been dead, too. Someday, they might ruin each other and end up killing each other, either metaphorically or literally. But, if someone should be the one to take her life, Piper herself would choose her. Only she was supposed to take from her what she had given to her.

That was how much she loved her and yet, she herself didn't know why she doubted that Alex could feel the same. It was just unbelievable, the perfect illusion. As imperfect as it was, as imperfect as Alex was, all those imperfections created this perfect masterpiece. A dangerous, drug-addicted narcissist loved her. At least, that was what the world saw. The beauty and the beast. The lion and the lamb. Light and darkness. And Piper just needed to be herself, instead of letting that flawless shallowness that was her alter ego fabricated by the world, getting the best of her. If she just stopped escaping and started releasing herself.

Piper was only a few thoughts away from her mental purgatory when Alex pulled her back and cupped her cheek with her cold hand. There was a cocky smile on her face as she said, "Granted, I may not be this perfect lover and do things that are rather disgusting than lovely, but loving you is just so disgustingly lovely. I mean, I love you so bad that I feel like throwing up. It makes me feel sick."

"It's almost poetic how you can compliment and insult someone at the same time."

"And yet I know that you know what I mean. You understand me, even when you don't want to."

(Deep down, she knew why.)

Suddenly, Alex was inside her head again. "Because it terrifies you. People need bad persons to point their fingers at them and to show how much better they are. Maybe the world is just black and white but after all that time we spent together, you realised something."

(She might never come to that realisation, but it was buried deep inside of her.)

"We're so different Piper, yet we're only whole when we're together."

(Deep down, she knew.)

But not today.

"Yeah, I am terrified. I'm terrified of you."

Piper saw how her words didn't make sense to Alex who was blinking her eyes and dropped her hand as if she had burned it. "What? Piper, I would never hurt you-"

"I know, that's, that's not what I meant. I know that you would never do harm to me. But-" her words felt too heavy for her for a second, "what if I come over to your place and find your lifeless body on the floor? Or I'm blowing up your phone but you will never pick up because-"

"Because what Piper?"

"Because your stupid drugs killed you! I'm terrified of you because I can never be sure if I'm still going to see the next day. I'm terrified of you because-"

As usual, the air was too thick for the blonde and she wanted to escape. But Alex knew her and grabbed her wrist before she had the chance to climb off her lap. Though the brunette didn't understand where her sudden fear came from.

The model was averting her eyes, so Alex let go of her arm and reached forward, resting her palms on her cheeks and searching her gaze. "Piper, look at me."

Eventually, she did and Alex could speak up again. "Why are you saying such things? Why are you saying that? There's no need to think about that. I'm right here, look? You can see me. I'm here. So why are you thinking about that?"

Purposefully, the black-haired woman was avoiding to mention words like death and dying. Drug-addicts tend to forget about how lethal their medicine can be.

But Piper noticed it and said with a definite tone in her voice, "People die of this, Alex."

"Yeah, and others die because a car runs them over. Or have lung cancer although they've never touched a cigarette in their lives. What is your point?"

She saw how Piper was shaking her head. Alex didn't want to fight with her. Neither did Piper but there were things they had to talk about. They could no longer swallow them.

Before Piper could give her an answer, Alex went on, "I'm not having this conversation again, okay? I really don't want to fight with you but you should really stop believing that you can _fix_ me. Especially when all you're doing is trying to change me. You say that you love me, and I believe you. But who do you love? Me or an alternate version of me that you're creating inside your head?"

"That's not what this is about."

"Then tell me… 'cause I'm having a hard time figuring it out."

Letting out a sigh, her blue gaze captured emerald, and she eventually explained, "Maybe there's an alternate version of you inside my head. But there's an alternate me, too. A normal us. There's a scenario in which we're both normal people, having normal lives, living in a normal world. Yet, no matter which scenario I'm picturing, there's something I'm always seeing. That I'm nothing without you."

Silence interrupted them and the brunette needed it to let Piper's words sink in.

"They are perfect dreams but all of them end up as a nightmare. I don't know what I would do if-"

She couldn't end this sentence. This was reality but she was so afraid that she didn't want her own reality to turn into a nightmare. That was mainly why she hated Alex's drugs so much. It was too easy for them to take Alex away from her, both mentally and physically, metaphorically and literally.

There was horror in her eyes, washing over her irises way too early. They just woke up and Piper was asking her questions that she wouldn't even think about at night. Alex was always only caught in the moment, time didn't exist for her. And now Piper was talking with her about death and saying things that were surreal for her. It was just a waste for her to think about them. But not for Piper who was looking at her as if they were running out of time.

"Piper, it's, we just woke up."

Looking into her eyes, Alex had to interrupt herself and massaged her temple. "Why are you thinking about those things?"

Eventually, Piper's gaze dropped and it was almost a whisper, "I don't know."

She looked ashamed, and Alex could see that she was feeling awful for having started such a conversation.

"I'm sorry."

When Piper apologised to her, Alex was yet again reminded of what an asshole she was. Piper was only sharing her fears and all Alex did was making her feel bad for it.

Due to her indiscretion, the best thing she could do was to distract the blonde. "Let's not think about it, okay? Nothing else matters because we're here, together… me and my beautiful girlfriend."

It was cheap, and maybe a bit pathetic but Alex wasn't even able to deal with her own feelings. And Piper's were tons of bricks for her.

Nonetheless, the model's lips turned into a small smile. Though Alex could tell that it was forced, and nothing like her usual smile that could replace the sun.

"You know that I love you, right? More than anything?"

But Piper only nodded as she was looking at her, so Alex added, "So nothing else matters. Fuck the media, fuck your family, fuck the world, fuck death and…"

"Fuck you?"

"Yes, please fuck me," the brunette replied, her signature smirk on her face that infected Piper.

Alex saw her pure smile and was playing with her long hair as she said, "You will never get rid of me kid. Don't forget that. You're stuck with me."

"Like that one time in that elevator?"

"Jesus, you were so pissed," the brunette remembered, memories of that night instantly popping up.

"You were being obnoxious."

"Because you were a pain in the ass."

Her smile reached her cerulean eyes and she admitted, "I was pretty sure that I was going to kill you."

"So was I."

Their eyes were conflating into one universe, and Piper and Alex were hit by the feeling to be the only two people in the world. Silence intensified it, fading out everything around them. Alex's hand eventually slid down the blonde's body until it settled on her waist. For a moment, her green gaze shot to her hand and she saw how those fingers gripped a dollar bill so she could snort a line, how she balled it into a fist to help her junked friends to find the right vein whilst a belt was disrupting her bloodstream. Goosebumps were washing over her skin like waves, those mere thoughts enough to make her heart beat faster.

Luckily, she was holding onto her antidote that was right in front of her, and already in her hand. She knew that there would be days and nights when she would be immune to her, some days and nights she would inhale Piper but she wouldn't manage to break through. There were going to be times in which Piper wouldn't be enough. But Alex loved Piper more than enough to let her try to be enough. It was doubtlessly selfish. However, that was love's greatest ingredient.

Sometimes Alex forgot that Piper knew her. Because, when the blonde intertwined their hands and Alex's eyes shot up at her, she could barely believe that Piper wouldn't always be enough. The drugs were holding onto her but in the end, their claws would only cling onto her skin, never her inside. They owned her mind while Piper owned her heart. The greatest rulers that every human being had to bow down to.

She won her attention and her gaze again, so she said to the woman under her, "And now we're here. And I'm stuck with you again."

Alex wasn't thinking when she replied with a grin, "Forever and always baby girl."

Forever and always. Those were the words that made every listener forget that they were just words. Nothing lasts forever.

As they both were thinking that they've talked enough, both women leaned in simultaneously and their lips met. The model immediately let go of her hand to pull her closer by grabbing her neck, giving Alex the opportunity to press her hand against her core between her legs. In response to the sudden contact, Piper couldn't help herself and bit the raven-haired woman's bottom lip.

"Careful vampire," she commented with her husky voice when their lips were slightly apart.

"Then be careful with your hands," the model replied and was about to kiss her again when she heard the woman beneath her say, "I'm your girlfriend, I may do this."

Piper felt how her words came true when her hand moved into her underwear and was stroking her bare clit. A sharp breath was instantly falling from her lips before Alex silenced her with her own. The blonde felt this familiar desperate ache in the pit of her stomach as she was already craving for more.

When Alex's fingers were tracing her soft lips, she muttered, "Fuck baby, you're so wet."

Due to the cocky tone in her voice, Piper began to rock her waist, hopelessly trying to gain more friction. But the brunette was in control and didn't hesitate to let Piper know.

"Alex," the model breathed out against her lips.

But the jet-haired woman wanted to take her time after their deep talk and was stroking her sensitive spot at slow pace. She had to admit though that she loved getting lost in her and was consuming her neck with kisses, absolutely unaware of their intruder.

Unlike Piper who tried to catch a steady breath before she struggled to say, "Al, your phone."

Her voice so shaky that the brunette believed that Piper's words were just sweet nothings. When she continued to mark her skin, the model sounded more definitive. "Someone's calling you."

At first, she believed that the taller woman hadn't heard her again. But she heard her throaty voice grumbling against her neck, "I don't care."

Alex's finger was almost inside of her when she told her, "Maybe it's important."

"Nothing is more important than this," the brunette stated quickly.

Of course there was nothing more Piper wanted than to come around her fingers. Nonetheless, she glanced at the nightstand to see who was calling her. For some reason, she couldn't suppress a smile, too eager to know how Alex was going to react. So she told her, "It's your mum."

"This isn't the best time to fuck with me kid."

Based on the tone in her voice, the blonde couldn't believe that Alex wasn't taking her seriously. So, as Alex was too busy leaving marks, she decided to answer the call for her.

"Hello?"

Swiftly, Alex's head shot up and her hand turned to stone, and when she saw that Piper had taken the call, she instantly said with a warning tone, "Piper, give me my phone."

But the blonde only shook her head and leaned back to duck Alex who was trying to get her mobile. Eventually, she caught the brunette's hand and held onto it whilst she was talking with her mother. "Yeah, she's here but… she seems to be pretty busy."

"Pipes-"

"Oh, you have? I hope she only told you good things about me."

Staring at her with blank eyes, she watched how the blonde was having a good time talking to her mother. Piper was coolly ignoring her, listening to the woman on the other end of the line.

Suddenly, the blonde was giggling and Alex let herself fall flat onto the mattress.

"Yeah I bet, she's really one of a kind."

"Are you talking about me?" she said, her head quickly shooting up from the pillow.

Alex needed to breathe in deeply so she wouldn't lose her cool because, not only was Piper ignoring her, she was also not willing to let her talk with her own mother. Apparently, the model was listening to her mother, making noises that let Alex know that she was agreeing with what Diane was telling her.

"Are you done?"

At least Piper no longer treated her like a ghost and acknowledged her presence by hushing her. After a while, she noticed that the call was almost over as she heard the woman on top of her say, "Yes, we totally are! I will tell her. Mhm. See you later!"

Now Alex wished that she had never woken up.

When the model put the phone away and gazed down at Alex, trying to use her big blue eyes, the brunette immediately said, "No, don't give me this look."

"What look?" Piper asked, acting all shy and sacred as her fingers were brushing over the rose tattoo on her biceps.

"You dirty little minx what have you done?"

She decided to skip pointless flip-flopping and to cut right to the chase. Piper was having other plans apparently and replied, "Baby, nothing.

Leaning down, she was holding her weight with her arms, placing her hands right next to Alex's sides. But instead of returning the kiss the blonde was about to give her, she turned her head to the side and Piper missed her mouth.

Without questioning her, the model kissed her cheek and was about to climb off her as she said, "Come on, we need to get up."

Alex was just watching her with disbelief in her emerald eyes from the bed. "For what?"

"Your mother."

"What?!"

Eventually, the brunette sat up and, whilst she was experiencing a crisis, Piper was coolly gathering her clothes and nonchalantly told her, "We need to get to my place first though. I need some fresh clothes."

As the raven-haired woman didn't answer her, Piper turned around after a while, seeing her sitting stone-faced on the bed. Releasing a short chuckle, she approached her and asked, "You okay there?"

"I think I just had a short heart-attack… but now I'm just feeling giddy."

She looked like she would dissolve into thin air every moment. So the blonde sat down at the edge of the bed and turned to her. Resting her hand on her thigh, she said, "Al, there's no need to freak out. It's not like we haven't met before."

"I'm gonna kill her," Alex muttered out of nowhere, not having heard Piper's words.

Another soft chuckle escaped her throat and she gave her a leg a squeeze. "It's time for a proper encounter don't you think?"

Alex looked at her, her eyes one big question before she vocalised it. "But not today."

"Why not?"

"Because."

The way Piper was grinning at her made Alex's gaze turn blanker rapidly fast. As the model noticed it, she spoke up, "Because? That's no reason you baby."

For a while, all the brunette was doing was staring at her until she realised that there was nothing she could do. She wasn't in control.

So she placed her glasses on top of head, and was pointing her index finger at Piper when she stated, "Don't think you're off the hook just like that. You're gonna pay for this Chapman."

"I'm looking forward to it," she replied, giving her a warm smile.

Alex only let out a deep sigh before she couldn't hold herself back and quickly leaned forward to kiss her. Piper had no idea what she had gotten them into.

* * *

 _Fuck 2016.  
_ _  
A big-ass thank you to everyone who still sticks around, I don't deserve your patience._ _  
_

 _See you guys next year._

 _And a happy belated birthday to that reader that loves wolves (I do too)_

 _Cheers_


	23. Nocturnal

_Chapter 23: Nocturnal_

* * *

"You have no idea what you've gotten us into," Alex told her, her eyes staring through the windshield at the house in front of them.

"It'll be fun."

Taking her eyes off the building to show her deadpan face, Piper snickered and leaned over the console to give her a kiss. At first, Alex wanted to pull away but instead decided not to return it. As her lips were dead against Piper's, the model looked at her and asked with raised brows, "Seriously?"

"What?"

"You can't kiss me?"

"I can… but I don't want to."

"You're such a grump."

"Can you blame me?"

Piper actually had to think for a moment before she eventually replied with an empathic tone in her voice, "Yes."

"Very funny Ms sunshine."

"Ms sunshine?" the blonde said, questioning the nickname Alex had just given her.

Sighing, Alex reached for the handle and glanced at her, saying, "You know why," before she opened the door and stepped out of her car.

The blonde just rolled her eyes and followed her, walking by her side towards her mother's home. It was a huge building, definitely too big for only one woman but maybe that was the way Alex expressed her love her. As they were approaching the front door, Piper noticed how quiet it was. No cars, no people, no traffic, solely peaceful silence. Her words were teasing when she said, "I could almost believe that you're hiding your mum here."

"Maybe I am," the brunette replied with her husky voice, and returned her gaze when she added, "from sneaky nuisances like you."

"You didn't really succeed, did you?"

They were standing in front of the door when Alex almost pleaded, "Please, can we just get this over with?"

Due to the rare desperate tone, Piper was giggling as she asked, "Why are you feeling so uncomfortable?"

Though Alex remained silent, and the blonde eventually understood. "You've never brought anyone home, have you?"

"Don't flatter yourself, okay?"

"Oh baby-"

"Don't baby me," the raven-haired woman cut her off and her eyes grew wide. "What if you don't like her? What if she doesn't like you?"

"I already do like her."

Both women's eyes landed on Diane who was suddenly standing in the doorway. "Because unlike you, she knows how to pick up the phone."

"Oh lord here we go," the younger Vause muttered before she took a step forward to greet her mother.

After she released her and the two stepped apart, Alex was by Piper's side again and said, "Mum, this is Piper, my-"

"Girlfriend," the blonde immediately stated and was extending her hand.

"Yeah, girlfriend," Alex absentmindedly repeated, watching how they were shaking hands.

When they let go of each other, Diane's eyes were nearly sparkling as she admitted, "Oh boy I never thought that this day would come."

"Me neither," Piper said, making Alex's mother laugh whilst the younger Vause was stopping herself from rolling her eyes.

Before silence could settle around them, Diane stepped aside, "Please, come in… dinner's almost ready."

The pair was already inside when Alex asked with a bewildered look on her face, "You made dinner?"

As it rather sounded like an accusation, her mother looked over her shoulder to shoot a glance at her, the kind of glance that could make her feel like a little girl. Diana disappeared into the kitchen while Alex and Piper remained in the hallway, and the brunette took Piper's coat off, hanging it up. Her own leather-jacket followed and Alex turned to her, "You're up for a small house tour?"

The blonde nodded and Alex was guiding her through the large house. They haven't even been upstairs when Piper noticed that it was indeed too big for Alex's mother. And it made her smile. Eventually, the two of them were upstairs and the jet-haired woman led her to the balcony that offered a stunning view over the valley which was drowning in red and hazel leaves. Although it took her breath away, she managed let out an amazed, "Wow."

Alex grinned at her and opened the door, holding her hand out to pull the blonde with her. Releasing her hand, the model walked to the edge of the balcony to get a better look, she didn't even mind the fresh autumn breeze. Meanwhile, the brunette was leaning against the window, watching Piper who seemed to be absolutely paralysed. Internally, Alex knew that Piper would understand by now why her mother was living in such a huge house on her own. If Alex didn't need to be so close to the big city that supplied her with her toxic craving, she would be living here, too.

"Cool right?" the brunette asked as her eyes still haven't shifted.

She heard how Piper let out a chuckle before she turned around to face her. "Cool?"

When she met her cerulean gaze, she shrugged and there was a smile on Piper's face when she added, "Yeah, it's pretty _cool_ Al."

Due to the peculiar tone in her voice, Alex knitted her brows as she approached her. "Why are you making it sound like cool wouldn't be cool."

"What?"

Piper was chuckling and although she wanted to speak up again, Alex pressed her lips against hers, resting her hands next to the model's sides on the railing. Piper instantly wrapped her arms around her waist and Alex kissed her once more before she rested her chin on Piper's shoulder. Her eyes found the forest and, while Piper was embracing her, there was something else she was actually seeing. There was an alternative universe in front of her, beating through the trees and floating through the leaves. She looked at a future, a life they could have had if they were free. They could have had this house, they could have had peace, they could have had it all. But that wasn't how life worked, that wasn't how the world worked. In the end, they were prisoners and Alex had to tear her gaze away when she realised how far away the forest actually was. She felt nauseous.

And although Piper's hand was running over her back, Alex knew she was oblivious. Due to the fact that ignorance was bliss, Alex smiled at her when she took a step back and gave her another kiss before they made their way downstairs. However, the feeling of nausea hasn't left her. _Shit._

Diane was already waiting for them, sitting at the dinner table whilst she seemed to be lost, in the forest she was gazing at or something else. She had the same look in her eyes like her daughter that Piper has seen so often, yet not often enough to actually be able to read it. However, that look immediately vanished when she noticed that she was no longer alone. It reminded her of Alex who would turn her emotions off, too, as soon as someone might get too close.

"Your house is so beautiful Ms Vause," the blonde remarked as they took their seats.

"Yes, it is… and I'm pretty sure that Alex here just bought it for me to use it as an excuse for everything she might or might not do in the future," she replied, her bright blue eyes on Piper. "And please, call me Diane kid."

Piper was giving her one of her warm smiles while Alex was watching them and was trying to focus on something else than the burning cold in her veins. Piper and her hadn't had the time to eat breakfast but Alex's stomach didn't feel empty to her. Only the mere thought of food made her insides twist although there was nothing inside. Yet, she wasn't willing to break down, not in front of herself and especially not in front of the only two women that could remind her that she did have a heart. If she could just die for a while.

This was another moment for Alex in which she could almost hate herself. She had cursed herself with the very first shot, she had brought this upon herself and would always bring everyone around her down with her. Like a shadow that would follow every step and wouldn't leave her in the dark. That was why the drugs were so good. They stayed with her through her darkest times. Too bad that they didn't love her as much as she did and only meant to control her and saw her as their meat. Too bad that only the drugs had been able to offer and give Alex what everyone else could find in a person. Too bad that the world was a hellish prison.

"Alex?"

Her toxic thoughts left her alone, not for good of course and the brunette's eyes shot up, finding Piper and her mother looking at her.

"Hm?"

It was crazy but Alex knew, based on the way the two were looking at her, they were inside her head. They could hear her thinking, they could see her thinking. It was just a matter of time until one of them would begin this old conversation they were too familiar with.

"Could you pass me the salt?"

False alarm.

Alex's heart was beating properly again and she let out a short raspy chuckle as she reached for the shaker and handed it her mother. Right now, she really liked to thrash her brain for having fooled her. As she couldn't, she was somehow trying to punish her mind but was out of her head when she felt a hand on her thigh, noticing that her mother wasn't at the table and met Piper's gaze. It never failed to calm her down.

"Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah, you?"

Piper snickered before she gave her a short answer, "Yeah."

" _Cool_ ," Alex said to her with a cheeky smirk on her face that created a smile on Piper's as well and made her speak up again. "Shut up."

"Where have you been hiding her all this time kid?"

"In my bed," Alex replied to her mother who reappeared.

Whilst Piper gave the brunette a look, Diane didn't hesitate to remind them that she had once stumbled upon their hideout. "I know. I still remember Piper's cute tomato face."

Although she had expected her girlfriend's mother to be more discreet than her child, the blonde hid her face in her palms when she heard Diane's response and muttered under her breath, "Oh geez."

Alex and her mother were chuckling in sync and Alex put an arm around Piper's shoulder, pulling her to her side.

"See Pipes, you have no idea what you've gotten us into," she whispered into the model's ear and kissed her temple. "I told you so."

As the blonde was still hiding herself, Alex heard her mother say, "Stop harassing her, you will drive that poor child away."

"Trust me mum, I'm innocent this time."

"You're the devil, Al," Piper eventually said as she freed herself from the brunette's embrace.

Diane gave her daughter a knowing look, showing that she agreed with Piper's statement and continued eating her meal. Meanwhile, Alex was so busy awaiting the interrogation that she forgot about her own plate. She wasn't hungry anyway.

"The chicken is so delicious Diane."

Smiling at Piper, she replied, "Thanks my sweet child."

When her ice-blue gaze landed on her daughter, she told her, "You should bring her along more often."

Alex hummed in response, her emerald eyes staring at nothing particular as she was on the verge of drowning in her sea of thoughts. The conversation between her mother and Piper nearly passed her by.

"Is she always so grumpy?"

"All the time."

"How do you bear with her?"

Piper's following response was going to pull her back to the surface. "I love her."

Those words would never not touch her.

Hearing her mother choking on her food, she didn't need to check if her she was staring at her as she could feel her boring holes into her. But instead of returning it, Alex looked at the woman by her side, giving her an honest smile. And the way Piper was looking at her was a visual repetition of her response.

Although none of it went unnoticed by her, she turned to her daughter once more. "That girl's a keeper kid."

As if Alex didn't already know.

Nonetheless, she was still incapable of properly dealing with emotions. So she replied with a smirk on her face, "Don't judge a book by its cover mum."

"I see, you're still using sarcasm to escape feelings and human stuff," Diane replied, glancing at the blonde opposite her.

Raising an eyebrow, the younger Vause stated, "I'm just pretty persistent."

But her mother knew better, and her mother knew her and she knew how to read people. No matter how hard Alex was trying to avoid emotions, she was a human after all. She dropped the banter and eventually admitted, "I'm really happy for you two."

Yet, not even a minute passed until the nature of Vause struck a second time. "It's not like it didn't take you two dummies long enough to realise that you care about each other… how long have you been seeing each other now?"

Simultaneously, Piper and Alex faced each other, obviously struggling to find an answer.

"I hit on a raw nerve, didn't I?" Diane eventually asked, eyeing the two women opposite her.

"Six months, I guess," the brunette eventually replied and her gaze wandered between Piper and her mother.

Although Alex assumed that it was enough information, it was the blonde who added, "Yeah… but we've only been together for a couple weeks now."

In an instant, Alex gave her a curious look, yet she knew Piper well enough to know that her only intention was to be honest with her mother. And to her own surprise, neither of the two has noticed that her plate was still empty.

Diane smiled warmly at Piper and the emerald-eyed woman no longer needed to fear that they wouldn't like each other. Her mother was probably already planning their wedding. Yet, she wasn't blind. Piper and her daughter had their issues, and that their road has been rather rough than a breeze. But she wasn't blind. They were in love. And internally, she was hoping and praying that it would be enough.

As if her mother could sense that Alex was close to reading her mind, she looked at her and asked, "And you didn't feel like telling me?"

"I was busy," the jet-haired woman immediately admitted.

Nonetheless, Diane raised a brow, urging Alex to say, "We were in Paris and-"

"You were in Paris? Together?" her mother blurted out.

"Yes but it was spontaneous. Piper had to do model stuff there and just took me with her."

As if Diane needed confirmation, she gazed at the blonde who was nodding her head and explained, "It's fashion show season."

However, it made things more complicated for her. So she eventually asked, "How serious is it between you two?"

Just like Piper, Alex's mother didn't hesitate to speak her mind and the blonde immediately turned to Alex, looking for an answer in her eyes. Due to Alex's inexperience with feelings, it should have been Piper who should have given her a response. "Mum, this is the first time that I brought someone with me. I think it's pretty obvious, don't you think?"

Diane shot a glance at Piper before her gaze landed on her daughter. "And yet you didn't tell me."

Her mother was only teasing her, but, as Piper was the good one, she told her, "It's my fault. I hadn't wanted to make it official."

"Kid, she's just messing with us," the brunette informed her and, when Piper gave her a puzzled look, added with a smirk, "but thanks for backing me."

Before the model had the chance to say something, Alex stood up, saying, "All this talk made my bladder full," and disappeared.

As she couldn't be sure that Alex was out of earshot, Piper only mumbled her words, "She hasn't eaten anything."

It caught her off guard when she got a response, "I know."

Her blue gaze returned Diane's and she could see how the older woman meant to speak up but couldn't. Yet in the end, she couldn't ignore the elephant in the room. "It's gotten worse, hasn't it?"

When the blonde nodded in response, her irises full of sympathy, Diane defeatedly leaned back into her chair. Again, she had this look in her eyes that Piper had seen in Alex's as well.

She was obviously lost as she began to mutter words under her breath, as if Piper wasn't even there. "Why can't I help her, she's so far away, there's nothing I can do."

So the model decided to pull her back and reached forward, grabbing her hand and caught her gaze. "I'm trying."

Diane's eyes were wide and her voice was louder when she pleaded, "Oh I know you are kid. You are really close… please don't give up. She needs you."

And then she begged, "Please save her, please. Save her from this poison and, save her from herself."

Ever since they had gotten into her house, Diane had been cool and restrained, yet warm and kind at the same time. But now, when Piper was looking at her, staring into her light blue eyes, she could see eyes could never lie. She was worried about her daughter, more than Alex might know and gazing into those oceans of utter concern and even fear, Diane tightened her grip on Piper's hand.

"You're so close kid, don't just give up on her."

More than Piper probably knew. Or maybe she did but denied it because she was just afraid of not being enough, afraid that she wouldn't be able to fix her. Yet, just like her daughter, Diane had eyes that saw what others couldn't see. And when she was seeing that Piper wasn't so far away from her, the blonde's own insecurity was blinding her. Alex had called her special, and maybe being able to release her from this vitriolic hell might be the ultimate proof that she was.

Though in the end, it was hard for her to breathe, and there was only one word that could escape her throat. "Never."

It was burdening her but it was no burden. Alex was no burden to her. Her addiction on the other hand, was a poltergeist. But if Piper could see herself through Diane's eyes, she would look at an angel. She just had to learn how to fly.

Her eyes were full of admiration when she told Piper, "She needs you."

And for some reason, the blonde replied, "I need her, too."

"I know kid."

She said it in a tone that Piper hadn't heard before. Her mother never talked to her in such a way, her voice was always colder than her eyes. But Diane loved her daughter, more than herself and although Piper knew that she would forgive if her if the blonde might walk away some day, Piper wouldn't. She would never forgive herself if she let her down. Of course she wouldn't try to help and stay with Alex to fulfill some kind of obligation. She loved Alex, and it would always be Alex. Diane just made her realise it and reinforced her intense feelings.

As she was still looking into her bright eyes that were like a chimney fire in winter, she gave her a promise. "I could never leave her."

And again, those light blue eyes saw something that Piper couldn't. However, Piper didn't have the chance to figure it out as they were no longer alone.

"I'm glad that you two get along so well but don't get _too_ close to each other," Alex commented and sat down next to the blonde.

Diane patted the back of Piper's hand before she let go of her and leaned into her chair. Her gaze was on the model when she heard her say, "I just read her palm."

"Very funny Pipes," the jet-haired woman deadpanned and saw a confused look on her mother's face.

Piper noticed it as well, so she explained, "Alex here thinks that she can read palms."

"Is that so?"

Whilst Alex was solely gazing at Piper, she responded to Diane's question. "Mhm, she says that I will die if I wont give her her shirt back that's full of holes."

The older woman was snickering when she asked, "The Death Maiden shirt?"

Turning her head to the side, the model saw that Alex was trying to silence her mother with her eyes. However, she failed.

"What? You didn't tell her?"

She released another chuckle before she stated, "Jesus, that shirt's so old, and you still own it. I thought you hated your dad-"

"I do," the brunette immediately interrupted.

"Your dad?"

"He's the drummer of this band whose shirt you stole kid. That shirt is Alex's holy grail."

"They make good music… I liked it when I was younger," she defended herself although it was in vain and was ignoring Piper's stunned face.

"Sure Al," her mother just said, winking at Piper who couldn't hold herself back. "You didn't tell me."

But the raven-haired woman just shrugged, saying, "It wasn't important… it still isn't."

"Your nose is growing, Pinocchio," her mother teased.

Alex coolly pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose as she replied, "Yeah yeah, whatever."

As she got up from her seat, she winked at her daughter and began to clear the table.

"Oh let me help you-" Piper instantly offered but Diane shook her head in response and was already in the kitchen.

Whilst her cerulean eyes were still lingering on the ghost of her silhouette, she turned around when Alex asked her, "You okay?"

There was this mysterious look in her eyes again that Piper always failed to read. "Yeah, you?"

"Yes."

And to her surprise, Alex was smiling at her and the mystery was replaced by adoration. Though it wasn't pure. And neither were Alex's bathroom stays. But she didn't want to judge her, this wasn't the right time. Yet, wasn't it never?

Both remained silent.

* * *

"And then?"

"There wasn't so much we could do, so we just sat it out. And I had never felt more like ghost. We were sitting opposite each other but Piper acted like I wasn't even there."

"I didn't want you to be there with me. You were an ass."

"Because you were a bitch."

"I can't believe that you two actually love each other," Diane stated after the two had told her the infamous elevator story.

After dinner, they had gone outside and were sitting on the terrace, the sun setting right in front of them. Alex and Piper were sharing a lounger, the model lying on her back on top of her, hidden under a blanket whilst Diane was in another lounger next to them. The colourful forest in front of them let them know that summer was almost over. And it reminded Alex of what could have been. However, it was pointless getting lost in what ifs. In the end, there was nothing they could do about it. There was only one reality they were living in, and maybe Alex should start thinking how she could turn this reality into something that would be too good to be true. Piper could already make her feel like being in heaven. All she had to do was getting rid off her demons. But that was the fact that made it all so difficult.

Again, she was getting lost in the maze that was her brain, and Piper led her out of it when she giggled. "Maybe it's fate. She's inevitable."

Sometimes, Alex also wondered how they ended up together. Maybe she had an answer.

"Doomed to be together," she added to the blonde's explanation, looking at her mother with a raised brow.

"You might have a point kid," Diane responded and was interrupted by her ringing mobile. "Sorry, I gotta take this one," she excused herself and walked into the house, leaving the two alone.

Nodding her head, she heard how the blonde on top of her let out a content sigh before she rolled onto her stomach to face Alex. "So that's where you got it from?"

Her thin brows were knitted when she asked, "What?"

"Kid."

Alex was looking right into her ocean-blue eyes, replying, "No, not really."

But Piper knew that she was just messing with her, the expression on her face visualising her disbelief. So the brunette stated, "I'm your daddy."

"Oh gosh," the model instantly said, dropping her head to the side as she was hiding her smile with her palm.

Eventually, and it was no surprise, she failed to contain herself and began to giggle. Alex's gaze was fixed on her when she asked, sounding absolutely serious, "What's so funny? Isn't that what those kids call their significant other these days?"

"They're so weird," she added before Piper said through laughter, "Al, I'm certainly not going to call you daddy."

"What? Why not? I am your daddy. I can have you anywhere in any way I want."

The model was still hiding behind her hand, so Alex continued, lowering her husky voice, "Hey Mr. Chapman, your daughter calls me daddy, too."

Alex was chuckling as well when Piper was laughing uncontrollably, and said, "Stop it Al, my belly aches."

Absentmindedly, the brunette was running her hand up and down her spine and her blue eyes were on her when she wondered, "Who told you about that?"

"About what?" Alex responded, acting innocent.

"You won't make me say that babe. I'm fine with calling you grouch or grumpy grandpa but I'm definitely, a hundred percent and without a doubt not going to call you _daddy._ "

She was pouting when she questioned, "Why would you call me grumpy grandpa?"

"Is that a serious question?"

In response, she got a deadpan look from her and, as she was holding her green gaze, she was moving some black strands out of her face and eventually returned to her former question. "So, who told you about this?"

"Doesn't matter," the jet-haired woman mumbled, her eyes flickering to her soft lips that were suddenly so close.

"Don't distract me Al."

"I'm not distracting you," she replied and was still staring at her lips.

So Piper let her hand wander from her black hair to her chin, lifting it to make her look at her. She raised her dark brows and hasn't let go of Alex's chin when the brunette explained, "No one told me about this."

When the model intensified her gaze, Alex admitted after a while, "I did."

The look on her face instantly changed. It was obvious that she was perplexed. "What?"

"I thought that I should teach myself how this generation talks nowadays."

"Alex, you're part of that generation."

But the brunette just ignored her. "I mean, I already am the coolest person on this planet-"

"No you're not-"

"However, my girlfriend is the most popular model at the moment and I thought that I should learn how you people speak and live-"

"You're one of them-"

"I mean, it's never too late right?"

"You're only two years older than me," Piper reminded her and saw how Alex's eyes shot up at her.

"You're not taking me seriously."

"That obvious, huh?"

"Bite me."

"Babe," the blonde began, searching her emerald gaze and was silent until she found it. "No matter what story you're selling me, I'm definitely not going to call you daddy."

Alex was pouting again when she said, "Too bad."

Finally, Piper closed the gap between them. The kiss was soft and tender, and the brunette's hand was still stroking her back. When they were aware of their surroundings, they broke apart and Alex's eyes were shut a bit longer until she muttered, "And I thought you loved me."

"Oh my god you're so dramatic."

"It's just a word, Pipes."

"Exactly, it's just a word."

"You're stupid."

"I love you."

"Prove it."

However, the blonde didn't have the chance to reply as Diane has reappeared, giving them a curious look. They kept talking about Christmas revelations and childhood lies and although Piper wanted to hear all of them, she fell asleep at some point, safe and sound in the arms of her significant other. Neither did she hear when Diane tipped her daughter off.

"I love you with all my heart baby girl but I'll kill you if you'll ever let her go."

 _You're scared to be lonely  
_ _'Specially in the night  
_ _I'm scared that I'll miss you  
_ _Happens every time  
_ _I don't want this feelin'_

 _I can't afford love  
_ _I try to find a reason to pull us apart  
_ _It ain't workin' 'cause you're perfect  
_ _And I know that you're worth it  
_ _I can't walk away_

* * *

"It's so boring without you."

"Just six more days babe."

"I hate your job."

"You're pouting right now, aren't you?"

"No," Alex lied.

"I can hear you pouting Al," she stated, and her giggle was one of the things the brunette missed the most. Besides her ethereal body and angelic aura.

"Three weeks are just too long."

"They're almost over."

There was a frown on her face when she asked, "Why didn't I come with you again?"

"Because you got you're training, Champ."

"Mhm, you're always so smart baby."

"One of us has to be apparently," Piper reminded her, another soft chuckle floating through the line that had the power to break and put her heart back together at the same time.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Alex teased as she stepped out of her apartment.

"Don't worry, you're still the smartass."

"Very funny… do you even miss me?"

It wasn't a serious question, yet those words were heavier than Alex would ever like to admit. After all, Piper was too good for her. Everyone knew that. The magazine's headlines meant translated _"She's too good for you."_ They made it sound like Alex didn't already know. Of course she couldn't care less about it, though it would be foolish to believe that the world wouldn't be able to intrude.

At first, it was her thoughts that could get between them. But the blonde was familiar with it. "What are you thinking about again?"

However, Alex didn't have the chance to respond when a third voice caught Piper's attention. So the raven-haired woman was sitting in her car, waiting for the conversation that was happening beyond their phone call to end.

Eventually, the model's focus was on her girlfriend again who could tell by the tone in her voice that she didn't want to tell her the following. Nonetheless, she had to. "Hey babe, I'm sorry but we have to go to the fitting now-"

"Oh don't worry. I'm on my way to the gym anyway," the raven-haired woman coolly informed her and heard her sigh.

"Talk to you later?"

"Sure kid."

The brunette expected her to hang up and nonchalantly end the call but was proven wrong when the line didn't die so easily.

"And I do miss you, idiot… more than you know."

A smile immediately grew on Alex's face, one that was so big that it physically hurt her. In order to keep a stiff upper lip, she said with her husky voice, "Bye baby girl."

Six more days.

* * *

She was sober, but she could feel how the drugs have left their trace. After nearly a month of daily training, she was still struggling to find her former form. She might look fit, but internally, she was literally shit. Due to her recent weight loss, she might consider joining Piper's business. It was in vain to deny the truth. The drugs had a hold on her. If she wanted to become even better than her former self, she had to beat herself. Alex was her own greatest enemy. The drugs have created a copy of her, a copy that was always hungry while it was feeding on her darkness. A second version that was filling up with lust and rage with every breath. The person in her mirror image was her nemesis. And the more she was trying to fight, the more she felt like dying.

Nevertheless, she needed to finish this session to not look like a complete fool in the ring. Red had an addition to the gym, a young girl named Jesse that was full of fervour and ambition. She was pretty, too. Probably because she had this similar light hair like the blonde that Alex already had in her life. Though it was shorter than Piper's, only reaching her shoulders. Nice, deep cheekbones, big almond eyes, a soft nose and rosy lips painted her face. Definitely a stunner. But Alex couldn't care less. She was too focused on her own stunner. Even at the gym, where she had to devote her body and soul to her old flame. MMA.

"Where's your head, kiddo?!"

This Russian accent was so thick that it would never fail to penetrate her heavy mind. The brunette stopped the swinging punchbag and turned around, facing her trainer.

Red's lips were a thin line when she was eyeing her, obviously in deep thought. At some point, she spoke up. "One month."

It was just two words but Alex knew what they meant. The clock was ticking at the back of her head, too.

"I'll make it, Red. Don't worry."

For some reason, Red had managed to get her license back. At least for the big tournament that was taking place next month. Maybe it was going to be the final chapter of her career. Although she might have grown up like a loser, a nobody that had nothing and was nothing, she was certainly not going to leave like one as well. Over the years, she had built something for herself, a name, a reputation, a brand. Yet, she was also the only one who could take it away from her. The world knew who Alex Vause was, not that it mattered. Though it did matter that the world knew that Alex Vause existed. She used to own the throne.

But not today anymore and she wasn't the only who was aware of it.

"I just want to be sure," Red admitted, and there was this motherly look on her face that she had reserved only for her and her best friend.

"Listen Red," the jet-haired woman began but was interrupted when no other but Jesse joined them.

"Uh, sorry." Her voice wasn't as soft as Piper's. "I didn't mean to bother you-"

"You kinda do," Alex told her, cutting her off.

She instantly gave her a curious look, one that challenged the brunette but she was no rookie. So she was holding her gaze.

As if she could sense it, Red stepped between and pierced her with her eyes. "Alex."

When the emerald-eyed woman just raised a brow in response, she turned to the young girl and asked kindly, "What do you want?"

She even smiled and Alex instantly knew that something was off. However, she kept quiet and was eagerly listening and watching.

"I was just wondering when I'm going to have my first fight?"

If Alex hadn't disliked her already, she eventually would when Red answered, "I see if I can arrange one next weekend, is that okay?"

It had taken her a lot of patience and even more questions to convince Red that she had been ready for her first fight. And all this new girl needed to do was using her long lashes and doll face. However, she kept it to herself but didn't hesitate to shoot a glare at the Russian woman who noticed it. She knew that Red was no fool. That fact didn't decrease her surprise though.

Actually, she wanted to say something like 'Go suck a dick'. Although she didn't know why she settled for something more prudent. "How old are you, 16? Go watch your make-up tutorials and complain about boys, dollface."

When the blonde had the guts to raise a brow at her, it was Lorna who grabbed Alex's arm and stated with a lovely smile on her face, "She just misses her girlfriend, don't take it personally."

The short woman had already pulled her away before she could protest and just told her, "Come on Alex, there's something I need to show you."

As there was nothing the brunette could really do, she followed Lorna and threw one last glance over her shoulder, seeing how Jesse's eyes were fixed on her and that she was giving her an innocent look that couldn't be more more fraudulent.

They were in Red's office and Lorna closed the door behind them before she turned to the tall woman who was leaning with her bottom against the desk, her arms crossed in front of her chest.

Alex wasn't looking at her when she released her thoughts. "I can't believe that Red already arranged a fight for her. She's been here for what, a week? Who does she think she is-"

"I think you don't know who she is," Lorna suddenly said, winning her emerald gaze.

"What?"

"Alex, there's a reason why they lifted your ban."

"What do you-"

She didn't need to end her sentence as she could answer her question she was going to ask herself.

Putting two and two together, her brows nearly touched her hairline and pointed her finger at the blonde that was the answer. "Don't tell me _she_ has something to do with it."

Lorna's apologetic look eventually confirmed her assumptions. A scoff that she didn't want to swallow broke the short moment of silence and her friend explained, "She's the daughter of some UFC administrator."

"Oh Jesus," the tall woman groaned, already knowing what kind of deal Red had accepted.

Nonetheless, Lorna continued, "Jesse has always wanted to take boxing classes… she wanted to learn from the best. Red did this for you, Alex."

That made it all worse. Red had done this for her. Yet again, Red had cleaned up after her.

"I need to talk to her," the raven-haired woman muttered and was about to storm out of the office.

But Lorna held her back once again, not afraid of rounding her up even though she was perhaps two heads taller than her and said, "There's nothing you can do. It's done. Just be thankful and accept it. It was her choice."

Red's choice left a bittersweet taste on her lips. She truly appreciated it, yet she was used to handling things on her own. But Lorna was right, and Alex has always been a rational person. So she put her feelings away, pushing them into her box and let out a deep breath. There was nothing she could do.

"Don't expect me to kiss ass, Lorna."

Lorna let go of her arm, smiling at her and responded, "Just don't be an ass, okay?"

"You're asking for a lot," Alex sighed.

They were walking out of the office when the short woman told her, "It's not that hard actually."

"Don't Lorna," Alex replied nonchalantly as their ways parted and her smirk immediately dropped when Red and the reason for her returned license approached her.

Based on the look on her face, the jet-haired woman knew that she wanted something from her.

"I need you to do something for me."

There was probably no person in this world that she couldn't read like a book.

"I have to take care of some paper stuff so you'll have to practice with Jesse, do the routine stuff."

For the second time, the brunette swallowed her pride and ego, and reluctantly nodded. That was why she hated it when others took care of her. The more others did for her, the greater was becoming every debt she was in. Giving and taking.

"I'm 19, by the way."

That was the last redundant thing the jet-haired woman heard her say. So no heads rolled that day when Alex spent the rest of the afternoon showing Jesse one of the basics. Sometimes, the blonde was looking at her a bit too long but it was easy for Alex to ignore her. It was quite easy to ignore the whole world when there was solely one thing stuck on her mind.

* * *

 _Even though we're going through it  
_ _And it makes you feel alone  
_ _Just know that I would die for you  
_ _Baby I would die for you, yeah_

 _The distance and the time between us  
_ _It'll never change my mind, 'cause baby  
_ _I would die for you  
_ _Baby I would die for you, yeah_

Today was a day that Alex just wanted to end. Piper had called her in the middle of the night, telling her that her flight had gotten delayed and that they would have to stay two more days in Madrid. So instead of driving home and wait for her blonde to come home, Alex was driving home to some white lines and the feeling of being incomplete. That was how much she missed her. Though she didn't use to fight the feeling as it was in vain anyway. Ever since she's been training again, she had decided to reduce her dose and that the night would be the only time she would get high. To her own surprise, her plan has been working well.

After she had to endure her own training and Jesse's presence, she had taken a hot shower at the gym and was on the floor to her apartment. Whilst she was approaching it, she had to think about all those articles that were dealing with her comeback. The media was so focused on it that they nearly forgot to write about her relationship with the model. After all this time, it still didn't fail to surprise her what kind of lies and stories they could come up with. Although it was mainly Piper's wish, Alex also didn't want to say anything about their relationship to the public. It was none of their business. Nonetheless, it didn't stop them to write about break-up rumours and rehab stories.

Being so deep in thought, she hasn't noticed that there was music playing in her apartment. Only when she opened the front door and stepped in, she heard it. Her mind instantly shut down as she closed the door behind her and decided to keep the lights off. She knew that no one had broken into her place when she recognised the music that was coming from her bedroom. Alex hasn't heard that song in a long time.

Opening her bedroom door, she saw someone she hasn't seen in a long time.

"You sneaky beast."

Finally, she was home.

"Al? I thought you were-"

But Alex had already approached the woman that was standing at her bedside, too eager for her lips and grabbed the fabric of her Death-Maiden shirt that the blonde was wearing to almost violently pull her close. She kissed her, hard and deeply, softly and gently, devoting herself to all her feelings.

The model instantly returned the fierce kiss and wrapped her hands around her neck. There was no distance between them, no ocean, nothing.

As if she had just snorted a line, she was getting high, the ecstasy and rush raging through her body. Only when she got her back, she realised how much she had truly missed her. However, the resounding sounds of loud drums and a fast guitar solo slowed down the kiss until the jet-haired woman slightly pulled back. Those cerulean eyes put another spell on her when she looked into them.

"There's something I need to do first," she told her and reluctantly let go of her.

Turning off the music, she returned to the bed with the CD in her hand and sat down at the end of the mattress. Piper was standing between her legs, big blue eyes looking down at her when Alex asked, "Where the hell did you find it? And… how did you get into my apartment?"

The light-haired woman rested her hands on her shoulders as she smilingly explained with two words, "Your mother."

"Wow, can't trust anyone nowadays."

Piper was smiling at her mischievously and crawled into her lap. Her soft was running through raven hair when she asked, "Do you want me to go again?"

There was this innocent sound in her voice and this innocent look on her face that made Alex sin. So the brunette tossed the CD across the room and moved her hand underneath her shirt, finding bare skin as she gripped her breast. "You're not going anywhere ever again kid."

She didn't know how much longer she could take the tension, they were apart for too long. Therefore Alex pushed her golden hair aside to plant hot kisses against the flawless skin of her neck. And when Piper gasped, she smirked and tightened the grip on her tit. The woman on top of her leaned her head to the side, and rapid breaths accompanied her words, "I missed you."

For some reason, the brunette detached her lips from her neck. She just had to look into her ocean-eyes when she replied earnestly, "I missed you too."

And then she pressed her lips against hers, Piper's hands running wildly through her dark hair.

"So much," Alex muttered between their kisses and continued to stroke her chest.

At some point, the model used her weight to push the woman under her onto her back. She was unzipping her pants when Alex suddenly asked against her lips, "How was Madrid?"

Piper gave her one more deep kiss before she sat up, her hands on Alex's ribcage and replied, "You really wanna talk now?"

It was beyond dispute what Alex wanted.

So she breathed out, "Fuck no," and took a leap forward to reconnect their mouths.

The blonde was smiling into the kiss which made it easier for Alex to slip her tongue inside. Suddenly, Piper's hands began to move faster, driven by her own impatience and the other woman's black pants dropped to the floor.

Alex was chuckling when her shirt landed next to her jeans and said, "Easy kid."

"Fuck no," the model responded, repeating her words and took her glasses off.

After she had placed them on the nightstand, Alex was under her only in her dark lingerie and moved towards the headboard. Piper remained on top of her as she followed her and, when she sat down on the bare skin under her navel and came in contact with wet heat, the raven-haired woman noticed that she was solely wearing her shirt. As it was so long, she hadn't been able to have made it out earlier.

The ache in the pit of her stomach nearly reached another dimension when she looked up at the blonde who looked like a sinner and a saint at the same time. Her golden hair made her look like an angel but her dark, hungry eyes portrayed the opposite. Alex nearly died when she began to rock her hips against her skin.

Luckily, Piper leaned down and kissed her, stopping the brunette from letting out a moan. Warm hands reached around her back to expose her breasts. Soon enough, her panties followed and Alex was lying in her natural beauty under her whilst Piper was still wearing her shirt. However, the taller woman didn't mind. Seeing her girl in her shirt actually magnified her sinful lust for her.

That was probably why she suddenly muttered against Piper's lips, "I want you to sit on my face."

At first, the blonde thought that she had misheard her and she disconnected their mouths, pulling back to gain a better look at her.

"What?"

She saw a devious smirk grow on Alex's face when she said to her, "Sit on my face baby girl."

The words fell from her lips and her emerald eyes were staring into her own so intently that she knew that she was staring right at her soul. Alex was so dangerous. She was danger and made Piper forget that she was. She did drugs and Piper loved her anyway. She was the complete opposite of her and Piper loved her anyway. She could ask her to die for her and Piper would gladly listen. Because Piper loved her.

In order to not repeat the past, she wanted to make sure that Alex knew.

"I love you."

And eventually, Alex was no longer only starting at her soul but was intertwining it with her own.

"I love you, too."

The model leaned down to kiss her once more before she moved up and was kneeling under Alex in front of the headboard of the bed. The night used to be Piper's loneliest time and Alex's darkest hours. Now it has become the time they were truly free. They were wolves. Slaves to the moon that was their patron saint, releasing them from the shadow of the day. At night, they bared their souls, they could expose their true selves that the world was too blind to see when it was dark. They were nocturnal animals, and immortal when the world was sleeping. The moon protected them. And their bed was their altar where they could turn their sins into hallows.

A hot tongue traced along the lips between her thighs and she probably left some scratches on the wood when she gripped it harder. Alex placed her cold hands on her shanks and Piper let out a soft moan as she felt the woman under her breathing against her mound. Slowly, she began to draw the lines of her inner lips with her tongue and all this separation of the past weeks and Alex's rare sweetness and tenderness made her gasp, and the name of her lover fell from her lips as well.

Eventually, the brunette's licks turned into kisses and Piper started to sway her hips to place her most sensitive nerve against her mouth. But Alex didn't play along, taking her time instead. Although her face was hidden between her legs, her whole body was so electrified that it intensified all of her senses. Therefore she could say, "I know that you're smirking… I can feel it."

With one simple movement, all of her words that were in her throat were wiped out and she forgot her language for a moment, simply because Alex was thrusting her tongue into her. The only thought that Piper's mind could form was why they hadn't done this before. Though it didn't matter and the model shamelessly slid into sin, sliding deeper into her tongue as she relaxed her muscles.

"Fuck, Alex," she groaned, the only two words she could think of right now.

She nearly whimpered due to the loss of Alex's tongue. Another throaty moan echoed through the bedroom when the brunette sucked on her clit. Her nails dug deeper into Piper's skin in reaction to her shaky body. Although Piper seemed to be very close, Alex wouldn't be surprise if she came, too. She has always enjoyed sex but sex with Piper was divine. Probably because Piper was her goddess.

So she kept worshipping her, the blonde's jittery thighs in her hand and her core in her mouth. At some point, she couldn't tell if Piper was moving her waist on purpose or if it was because the ecstasy was rushing through her so violently. When she realised that Piper was on the verge of her climax, she lowered her head to push her tongue inside of her again. She heard how her name once again fell from Piper's other lips like a prayer. At some point, Alex was sure that she was consuming her. Piper has literally become what she breathes and bleeds.

And then, she came, loud moans banging against the bedroom walls whilst her body froze for a second, only to melt again. Alex let go of her legs to rest her hands on her sides as she was carefully placing kisses around her wet lips and thighs. The mattress slightly shifted when the blonde defeatedly released the headboard and crawled back. Finally, she could see Alex's face and wanted to kiss it and rip it apart at the same time. _That smirk._

"Shut up," the model said softly as the corners of her lips rose.

She eventually laid down, lying on top of the brunette and pulled the blanket over them. They were face to face when Alex lifted her head from the pillow to lean against the headboard. Piper cupped her own cheek in her palm and for a while, they were only staring at each other, Alex busy collecting loose golden strands to tuck them behind her ear.

Nonchalantly and absentmindedly, the jet-haired woman broke the silence. "Did you know that I miss you?"

A grin was on Piper's face and she kept gazing at the woman under her whose eyes were focused on her hair. "How much?"

Alex let out a raspy chuckle before the model added, "Like, on a scale of 1 to 10."

"A scale of 1 to 10?"

Her green eyes were on her for a second until they returned to her hair. She answered with a cocky smile, "4."

"4?!" Piper instantly disbelievingly questioned.

"Yeah… or maybe 3."

For a moment, she was just looking at her with raised brows and big blue eyes. So Alex gave in and chuckled, making Piper say, "Asshole."

"What? You want me to lie to you?" she asked through her laughter and her emerald eyes were finally on her. "Because then I'd say 7."

"Bite me," the blonde said as she slapped her on her shoulder.

"Actually, I already have."

"I should have stayed in Spain," Piper mumbled, curiously raising a brow whilst she waiting for the other woman's reaction.

However, Alex wasn't falling for it. "I heard they make good food."

"The best."

Due to the pleasurable tone in her voice, Alex was the one who lifted a brow and the movements of her hands abruptly stopped. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing."

Squinting her eyes, she continued to stroke her light hair and silence settled around them. Piper was running her fingers in circles on her collarbone, slowly realising how tired she actually was. Before the stillness could make her fall asleep, Alex spoke up, "Fine, 8."

Piper was holding back a smile when she replied, "Too late babe."

Then she added, "And, don't you think that even an 8 isn't enough? I mean, you called me every day."

"Because that's what girlfriends do, duh."

"Yes, clingy girlfriends Al."

"I'm not clingy."

"Oh no?"

"No," she defended and stated after a while, "also, after I washed the sheets, your scent on them wasn't that strong anymore."

Giggling, Piper asked, "You tried to wash me away?"

"I just did my laundry, Pipes. People do that."

But the model was only eyeing her suspiciously, so she admitted, "okay, you know what. Maybe it's a 9… and a half. You fine with that?"

"Yes, we'll work up to that 10."

Piper saw how the brunette rolled her eyes before she closed the gap between them, kissing her tenderly. Unbeknownst to her, drugs haven't crossed Alex's mind at all ever since she had stepped into her bedroom and had found her. It didn't mean that she was free, no one could quit such a addictive love so easily. But this night, not even Alex's own demons could follow them into their heaven. Or maybe her shadow didn't show in the dark.

Neither of the two knew what they would do without each other.

 _Cause I love you  
_ _And I need you  
_ _I only want you  
_ _And nobody's going to know if it's true  
_ _Cause I love you  
_ _And I need you  
_ _I only want you  
_ _And nobody's going to know if it's true_


	24. Let Me Be Your Heroin(e)

_You guys asked for it, so you get it._

* * *

 _Chapter 24: Let Me Be Your Heroin(e)_

It felt like something was inside her, kicking from the inside against the skin of her stomach. A parasite that had a name. Withdrawal. It was a reminder. Her demons would always find her. So it kept kicking, until Alex woke up, woke up and unintentionally pushed the sleeping woman off her. Piper was only her dream. And Alex woke up. Her feet carried her drowsy body to the bathroom and she reached the loo just in time to spit out the emptiness of her stomach. It was a sickening pain that rushed through her even though she wasn't fully awake. Thrusts forced their way up her throat, making her lungs feel smaller with every second. Maybe she was still bleary-eyed, but she was sure that she was going to pass out if more oxygen escaped her at such a rapid pace.

The void inside her made her body heavier, so she put her hands onto the porcelain whilst she was staring at her liquid sick. She was kneeling on the marble floor, and it was infecting her bare corpus with coldness. Goosebumps were washing over her ivory skin as she was belching, wondering when her stomach would realise that there was nothing inside of her. The brunette kept freezing while she was fighting for air, and her only wish was to get high to replace the vacuity with nice numbness. But the only thing that could be able to stop her suddenly put a robe around her, covering her bareness and pulled her black hair back.

"I don't want you to see me like this," the brunette managed to say before her own throat choked her.

It didn't surprise her when the model refused to listen and was holding her hair while her other hand was soothingly stroking her back.

"Leave me alone," she began again but another thrust cut her off.

"No."

Piper felt how her body was shaking underneath her palm. Therefore she continued to move her hand along her spine, somehow trying to keep her together. She never felt so fragile in her hands.

"Piper-"

The tone in her hoarse voice was nearly repulsive. However, the blonde has grown a thick skin ever since she had met her. "No."

"I need-"

 _(Heroin?)_

 _(Solitude?)_

 _(Help?)_

"What? What do you need? I'm here."

 _(You)_

Her audible response was even more vomit that had violently crawled up her body. Piper kept running her hand soothingly over her spine as she didn't know what else she was supposed to do. At some point, she felt how her shivering body began to calm down, slowly growing together. She ran her fingers once more through her raven hair to collect some loose strands before she let go of it and stood up, operating the toilet. The last pieces of Alex's blank stomach disappeared, with them her nausea. The brunette got up as well, holding onto her robe as she approached the sink to clean her face. Cold water erased the even colder sweat on her face and she eventually took a sip to quench the fire in her stricken throat.

"Fuck, I hate this," she muttered after she had spitted out some water.

Looking up into the mirror, she saw that Piper had walked up to her and was right behind her, her cerulean eyes stuck on her reflection. Due to the breathing craving in her blood, she had to drop her gaze and released a sigh. Not looking at the woman behind her, she said, "I think you should go."

She really needed a line. And Piper shouldn't see her on her knees, worshipping some white powder like a god. Tonight was one of those nights in which Alex couldn't let Piper be enough. Some part of her, that junked up, broken, fucked up, dark part that was her physical twin wanted to live. It was stronger than her, Alex wasn't capable to fight herself as it was sucking the life out of her with every breath. This demon wasn't the devil on her shoulder. The devil lived inside of her, in her organs, in her blood, in her heart, her brain. If she tried to kill it, she would kill herself. Her life was its home.

Her pale eyes shot up when she heard the blonde say, "Alex. Stop it."

That was the moment. Alex was listening. Like a soldier, she observed the command. That was the moment, in which she realised that Piper was her heroine. But not her heroin.

"I don't want to hurt you." She was staring into her sky-blue eyes while her mind was already elsewhere. "But I really need my heroin."

So she walked out of the bathroom without shooting one last glance at the other woman. If she did, she would rip her own eyes out. They were calling out to her, her best friends, her masters, her gods. And a strong believer never questioned their decisions. Like a lapdog, she moved to the nightstand next to her bed, every thought already a high thought. Her body was nearly shaking, excitement and joy rushing through her bones. She loved her drugs so disgustingly much.

Small bags that were capturing her beloved snow were capturing her eyes as they were penetrating her mind. Everything was beginning to die around her, and she would kill it as soon as she would bow down and breathe in her sacred flake.

And something, someone, from afar, from outside her sanctuary was begging for entrance. But that person was a heathen. Piper was the antichrist. Somewhere, deep down, was her other self, her weak self, stabbing herself for seeing the blonde as anything but angelic. Yet, that self was inferior. Alex was a prison. And her only prisoner was she herself. But she was too blinded by the illusion to be free that she was numb to the chains around her wrists and the leash around her neck.

It was snowing in her bedroom, and she was about to sink in it when the nonbeliever called out to her once more. She was saying her name. Whom should she listen to?

Decisions. Choices. Either this or that. That was why Alex was such a good believer. She had never needed to pick. _They_ picked for her.

Still, that somebody inside of her that was somewhat trying to be immune to her religion had ears that could listen. And they were hearing her.

"Alex, please… don't. Please."

 _Oh my sweet Piper. My lovely Pipes. Baby girl._

 _Didn't you know that, love wasn't real?_

 _Didn't you know that, only addiction was real?_

 _Didn't you know?_

 _If you had, you would have known that love cannot trump addiction._

 _Never._

Her nose burned, and she set her world, the world, on fire. Finally, she could breathe. Finally, she was free.

She dropped her shoulders, and opened her eyes, seeing how everything around her was lighter. Even the oxygen in the room was milder. Like a cold wave on a hot summer day, the heroin hit her and washed away the heat in her red blood. She died and was on a cloud while she was sinking deeper into the ground. She had to lay down.

And while she was getting high, she let everyone else down. Like Piper who was standing fixed to spot in the doorway, unable to watch Alex dying of pure ecstasy. She couldn't understand. She couldn't understand how someone could love powder and pills more than anything in the world. It was a disgusting love.

But after all, love wasn't real, was it. Only a big illusion, meant to fool and manipulate others. And Piper had fallen for it when she had fallen for her. Not even the fact that Alex was a great junkie could save her. And now she hit the ground while Alex was lying on the cold ground, floating through her excessive numbness. There were universes between them. And the brunette yet again didn't let Piper into hers. Maybe she should become an addict, too. Maybe then she would be enough for Alex. Maybe then Alex could love her as much as her stupid drugs. They would understand each other, driving each other faster and deeper towards their downfall. And then they would crash at the highest pace.

It was almost poetic how she was picturing this tragedy. However, she couldn't let Alex drag them both down. Neither could she let Alex lose her. Diane crossed her mind, how she was literally clinging onto her, telling her how close she would be. Piper could touch her, but she couldn't get under her skin. Alex didn't even feel her when she had approached her and rested a soft hand on her shoulder. Maybe it was too soft.

The black-haired woman was lost in her nebula. It was so thick that Piper could see it in her cold, icy eyes. She wasn't willing to give up, though. So she kept shaking her, kept looking for a way into her veins, trying to reach her. It was maddening. And yet, Piper would lie if she said she didn't love her.

Just when desperate tears were filling her eyes, the brunette mumbled something. And then, she mumbled again.

"Piper."

Now, the model was the numb one, incapable of moving or saying something.

"Piper," Alex repeated.

As if she could somehow sense that Piper was listening, she eventually muttered, "You're like a puppy. Love me, love me, love me, that's what you're saying all the time… look at me I'm cute… look at me I'm pretty… you're always running after me Pipes… that's sick… you can't do that. You… you can't."

Her words came out in shreds but together, they made sense. And Piper didn't know if she should forget them or always remember them.

However, Alex wasn't finished. "You're too good… for me… I know. I know… that you know."

It almost sounded as if she was chuckling when she said, "You're a puppy."

But Piper didn't have the time to think about her high words nor to categorise them. After a few more attempts, she shook her shoulder once again and her name fell softly from her rosy lips. "Alex."

 _(Maybe she was too soft)_

Maybe Alex would finally acknowledge her. Sometimes, she didn't know whether she should see Alex's addiction as another person or as a part of her that completed her. It wouldn't be the right thing to do if she tried to change her. Still, she couldn't certainly tell if she loved all parts of her, or only her good ones and tried to either ignore or tolerate those she didn't like. What if she was just in love with the idea of her.

It was impossible, though. After all, she was still here. After all, she was kneeling next to Alex, not willing to leave her. She could have left, waited for Alex to apologise, and could have acted as if this night hadn't happened. But Piper loved Alex. Just Alex. No matter who or what she was. No matter what she would or wouldn't do.

 _(Oh, sweet lovely innocent Piper)_

"Al," she eventually said and was surprised when she saw how pale emerald eyes were looking up at her.

It was like she had finally broken through. The gates of Alex's personal universe were right in front of her. They were right in her dead eyes.

"You're here."

Alex saw her, she felt her. Despite the doping rush in her blood, she was slowly coming back to life. So the blonde moved her hand from her shoulder to her face. Although she was hating Alex for what she had done, she didn't slap her but stroke her cheek.

 _Love trumps hate, right?_

"You're here," the brunette repeated as if she wanted to make sure that Piper heard her.

So she responded. "Yes. Where else would I be?"

For a second, the nebula sucked Alex back in before her eyes focused on Piper again.

"Come on, you shouldn't be lying on the floor," the blonde told her and Alex actually listened, slowly moving her elbows to prop herself up.

Her true crutch was always going to be Piper, though.

The light-haired woman grabbed her biceps to help her up, leading her to the mattress. During the process, Alex absentmindedly said repeatedly that Piper was still with her as if she couldn't believe it. It was too surreal for her.

When the brunette was lying in her bed, Piper joined her and pulled the blanket over them. As she was on her back, she was staring at the ceiling, waiting for the woman next to her to fall asleep. But Alex turned to her, mumbling dreamily, "You're too good for me."

So she looked at her and saw that Alex was staring at her, almost in the same way she would stare at her drugs. However, Piper refused to start hoping and told her, "Sleep Al."

Alex eventually snuggled up to her, her numb face buried in the crook of her shoulder, and a heavy pale arm on her stomach.

And before sleep separated them, she heard the brunette whisper, "I'm sorry."

 _(You always are)_

* * *

"So Piper, tell us, what is it like?"

Loving someone who loved white powder more than anything in the world?

 _Dope._

"Living in the most beautiful cities that are almost as beautiful as you are?"

 _Bootlicker._

Piper didn't mind talking, but those interviews were always the same. People would ask her the same old questions all over again. Still, she wasn't willing to share her personal life with them to do herself a favour and release herself from this routine. She was a human like everyone else. Except in Alex's eyes but it didn't count. She was an addict. You couldn't trust them.

The blonde looked into his brown eyes. It seemed as if everyone around her could be warmer, softer, safer than Alex. And yet, death seemed to be the only thing that could tear her away from her. She really wasn't in the mood to talk. After Alex had fallen asleep, the model had spent a sleepless night beside her until she'd had to get up to attend to her duty as a model. Due to her professionalism, she hasn't stormed out yet. Due to her love, she hadn't stormed out last night. Her mind was an exhibition, and its theme was Alex. All those thoughts were circling around her, so strongly and heavily that she had forgotten where she was.

So she smiled because it was her job. So she spoke up because, it was her job. "It's cool."

She could see that her answer didn't satisfy him. Therefore she gave him one more fake smile and was trying to hide the fact that she just wanted to go home. Wherever it was right now.

Eventually, he not so subtly changed the subject. Rumours. What was true and what was false. It was always only a matter of time until they would stop beating about the bush.

"Lately, we've been seeing a lot of pictures of you and former MMA champion Alex Vause. It's pretty surprising to see you two spending so much time together, considering where you two are coming from."

He did have a point.

And Piper wasn't sure if his following words were ambiguous or innocent.

"We've got you as the gorgeous model and her as the dangerous athlete, those two businesses are quite contradictory."

Or maybe it was obvious what he actually meant but Piper was too caught up in her own brain that consisted of Alex. She was grateful for her professionalism because otherwise she wouldn't have been able to say, "You meet a lot of people every day, no matter where they're coming from. It can be interesting to gain some insight into their worlds… but it doesn't truly affect you in any way. Easy come, easy go."

He raised a brow, amazed by her nonchalant response. And internally, she wished that she hadn't lied and that her words had been true.

However, he wanted to be sure and hesitantly asked, "So, there's nothing going on between you two?"

Though she hated to answer questions with another question, she asked, "I thought we were too contradictory?"

Before anyone could find out what Alex and she really were, she took her leave and made her way to the car. Whilst she was walking to the carpark, her cellphone showed her a couple texts and a few missed calls. Maybe she should have said something before she had left. Maybe she should have woken her up. But maybe Alex shouldn't have done drugs in the first place. She wasn't blaming her, though. It wasn't about accusations and who was the bad guy in this story. Still, Alex was giving her a hard time. Piper was having a hard time… loving her? Staying with her? Being there for her?

No. Not even the drugs could change her mind or heart.

But the drugs could control Alex's mind and heart.

Piper was having a hard time trusting Alex and her feelings.

What if she loved her more than Alex loved her?

In the end, it would always be heroin. Not even love could _cure_ addiction. Maybe not even love could save her.

In the backseat of the black car, she could feel her heart breaking a bit.

The sun was up high but, it was still night.

* * *

People would always say that drugs are better than alcohol. You wouldn't have a hangover after an excessive night. They were right. Instead, the day after could be a nightmare. And it was always a walk of shame. Like a hoe that secretly returned home after she had been fucked. She couldn't even say that she regretted it because there had been nothing she had wanted more. She couldn't even say that she was ashamed because she had been the one who had let herself get fucked.

She was such a fuck-up.

But maybe she was the right fuck-up that Piper needed.

"Kiddo, leave your head and return to earth."

Today was no good day. Alex's mind was heavy, her bones were sore and her heart was battered. And instead of releasing herself from her thoughts, the training only intensified all this ache. In addition, no one would leave her alone and question her strength of nerve. She was glad to have gotten a second chance but what was a second chance if Alex kept fucking up. There were people who would give her a hundred second chances, perhaps even a hundred more until the brunette would manage to fuck up so well that they would turn their backs on her. Alex couldn't even blame them.

"Alex."

When she heard her say her name, she knew that it was serious. So she turned around, dropping her fists and looked at the Russian woman. "What."

She didn't even try to hide the last dose in her blood-stained eyes. That line had warmed her after she had woken up alone in a cold bed this morning.

It was needless for Red to speak up as she knew that she had blown her cover. "Come here for a second, will you?"

Like a good junkie, she listened and approached her. Curious big eyes were on her as she was walking up to her. As if the whole world waited for her to fuck up once more.

Her eyes were soft yet stern when she asked her, "You'll be here on Saturday, right?"

It was question but there was only one response Alex could give her. But Alex wouldn't have been Alex if she hadn't raised a brow, her mouth silent.

"Jesse's fight," Red explained although they both knew what she had meant in the first place. "It'll be her first fight and, as you kinda trained her, everyone expects you to come. It will even take place in a real arena, many people will be there."

 _All official and shit for that little dolled up piece of shit._

Alex clearly listened to her head when she replied with a false grin, "Of course."

If she hadn't, this whole place would have been torn apart by now. And Jesse, who was walking up to them, would have been the first person she would have ripped apart.

"Alex, could you help me with my gloves?"

 _To push them down your throat?_

"Of course."

Red stepped away and Jesse was standing opposite her, lifting her wrists to let Alex bandage them. It was obvious that she was standing too close to her but the brunette wouldn't fall for her cheap tricks. Unlike another blonde that suddenly appeared.

"Vause, this one claims to be your girlfriend," Nicky told her, winning her best friend's attention instantly who looked up and saw Piper.

She dropped Jesse's arms like hot stones and approached the model, walking right into the unknown. They were face to face when the wild-haired woman interrupted them. "She was standing like a groupie at the door. I thought I had to call the cops."

"Fuck off Nichols," Alex replied, earning the middle finger from her friend who eventually left.

Looking into her blue eyes that didn't cease to make her forget where she was, she said, "Don't mind her."

However, Piper didn't smile, nor was she killing her with her gaze. So the brunette asked, "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you," Piper explained and in her eyes was growing something that Alex hasn't identified yet.

Before the jet-haired woman could reply with a sarcastic comment, someone else was interrupting them again.

"You're Piper Chapman right? The model?"

With her following words, Piper solved the mystery in her eyes for Alex. "And Alex's girlfriend."

They might be in a fight club but murder was still a crime, even within those four walls. So Alex reached for her jealous girlfriend's arm and was leading them to the locker rooms as she was sure that Piper wouldn't want to go to prison after she would have had Jesse's guts for garters. But the blonde didn't follow her and stopped abruptly, pulling the woman in front of her back.

Alex turned around and gave her a curious look.

"I want to watch you train," the model stated and the expression on her face was almost bold.

"I don't think that's a good idea Pipes-"

"Why not?"

"Because," she took a step closer to her, silently glancing at her lips for a moment before she continued, "it's dirty and sweaty and bloody here. And will bore you to death."

"You think someone like me is above all of this here?"

"Well, you're a model," the brunette teasingly stated, and finally saw a smile creeping onto her face. She couldn't hold herself back. "Shit, are you smiling?"

"Go away," Piper sheepishly muttered, suddenly breaking eye contact to look to her side, her eyes finding a girl staring at them.

When Alex saw how her smile faded away and followed the route of her gaze, she suppressed a cocky smirk and placed a hand on Piper's neck to make her look at her. "Hey, look at me."

Azure eyes shot up at her and Alex added, "You really don't need to wait for me here. I'll give you my key and you can wait at my place."

"Are you trying to get rid off me?"

Absentmindedly, the brunette muttered under her breath, "I'm just doing you a favour."

But Piper couldn't understand her. "Hm?"

"Nevermind," she said in an instant and stroke her cheek before she let her hand run over her arm.

"I have to say, you really fit in here."

Confusion was visible on Alex's face, so she explained, "Everyone here is just as charming as you."

"Oh, you're talking about Nicky? You'll get used to it… at some point, you will just hear some soft humming whenever she will say something stupid."

"I heard that asshole," the person she was speaking of suddenly said, invading their little bubble. "Jesse's waiting for you. The training isn't over yet."

The tone in her voice was almost irritated when she replied, "I'm coming."

But Nicky could be persistent as well and said with a shit-eating grin on her face, "Maybe later but not now."

Her eyes lingered on Piper for a second, waiting for a reaction. It was Alex, though, who warned her, "Be nice."

Unimpressed by her words, Nicky shrugged her shoulders and began to walk away. However, she turned around once more, calling, "Blondie, follow me."

"You can't choose your family, right?" the brunette said to her, an apologetic look on her face that was apologising for more than her best friend.

The former night was floating above them like a dark cloud.

Piper was a professional, though. So she eventually did what Alex had been hesitating to do and leaned in to kiss her lips tenderly. When their lips parted, Alex was dreamily looking at her. "How am I supposed to focus on anything now? You're too much of a distraction."

"Good," Piper said with a confident tone in her voice and Alex knew why.

"No need to be jealous baby girl."

"What?" she blurted out, her blue eyes wide and clueless.

Alex raised a brow in response, creating enough tension with her intense stare to make Piper say, "You think I'm jealous? Of who?"

Before the brunette could tease her even more, Nicky called her a second time. "Blondie."

Alex shot a glare at her friend who was impatiently watching them with brows that nearly touched her hairline, waiting for them to separate.

"Jesus Christ," the jet-haired woman muttered under her breath and gave Piper a peck on her lips before she made her way to the cage where Jesse was waiting for her.

On her way, she purposely passed her friend and said, "I'll kill you Nichols."

Nicky only blew her a kiss and eventually saw that Piper was approaching her. The model noticed her intense stare but was brushing it off, ignoring the mutterings in the big hall as well. She felt like alienated at this place. The only thing that assured her that she wasn't completely lost was Alex. She belonged to her. However, some people didn't seem to understand that Alex belonged to her, too. Like that blonde girl that was standing way too close next to her girlfriend in the cage. Her gaze turned fierce, and it was Nicky who stopped her from choking Jesse to death.

"So Sasquatch wasn't lying."

Confused by the nickname, Piper turned to her, her brows knitted together as she said, "Sorry?"

"Vause. She told me about you. You really are her girlfriend."

"Yes, I'm Piper, Piper Chapman" the blonde introduced herself absentmindedly, extending a hand.

Nicky eyed her inquisitively, holding back a grin when she took Piper's hand and shook it, "Nicky."

After she had let go of it and saw that Piper was still busy glaring at the other blonde, she began to walk and said with a chuckle, "Come on, Blondie. This way."

However, the model was fixed to her spot and Nicky could already see her turning into a jealous beast. As much as she was looking forward to seeing this transformation, she rolled her eyes and reluctantly walked up to her, grabbing her arm to pull her with her. When Piper looked at her with an arched brow, she explained, "I'm just saving your green skin, Hulk."

"Hulk?" Piper asked bewilderedly but, instead of getting a response, was dragged away.

They reached a bench in the corner of the club, people and training tools blocking her view. As Nicky noticed that Piper was once again trying to find the person she could glare at, she muttered under her breath, "Vause and dyke drama, a never-ending story."

"Did you say something?" the golden-haired woman asked her, eventually looking at her.

"Just talking to myself."

Seeing that she was losing Piper's interest, she decided to cut right to the chase. "Don't worry. Alex hates her, too."

"Whom does she hate?" the model eagerly asked and turned her head to the side to look at her.

"This Jesse girl."

Now she had a name that she could put on her death list. Still gazing at Alex's best friend, she nodded her head and was about to glare at Jesse again when Nicky stopped her by saying, "Oh for Christ's sake. Relax, Blondie. Alex talks so much about you that I had to get a new pair of ears because she was giving me an earbashing."

However, Piper only understood what she wanted to hear. "She does?"

"Oh lord," Nicky grumbled, her eyes rolling to the back of her head. Nonetheless, as Alex's best friend she had to execute an order. So she asked firmly, "Okay Chapman, what are your intentions?"

Due to the fact that Piper was used to audacity because of her job and a certain black-haired woman, Nicky's question didn't catch her off guard. She was looking at the short woman when she explained with a confident tone in her usual soft voice, "I just want her to be happy."

"So do I," Nicky replied, her eyes melting for a second. Nevertheless, she knew about their issues and that they have been through more than most people who knew each other their whole lives while they have been together for half a year. That was shy she said, "And what about the drugs?"

Looking for her girlfriend, she turned around when she heard her question.

"She hates them, doesn't she?"

Alex sighed before she asked, "What?"

"The drugs. Your addiction."

Although Alex didn't react and responded with cold silence, Jesse didn't hesitate to continue. "Wouldn't it be a load easier to be with someone who's okay with it? Or maybe even shares your interests? Who loves the same things you love?"

The brunette stopped her motions, looking at her. As Jesse realised that she had won her attention, a cheeky grin was on her face and she said, trying to sound seductive, "I, for example, love to get high. It's normal, it's fun, we're just human. And if someone's not fine with it they can fuck the fuck off."

"What is your point Jesse?" Alex eventually breathed out.

"She may be pretty, your little girlfriend, but you two will never work. She can't understand you."

When she saw that Alex gave her an annoyed look and was about to turn around, she spoke up again, "You know I'm right, Alex. The drugs, they're just too good and not everyone is blessed to see that. But you do, and I do as well. I can understand you. It's too hard for her, she's too weak-"

"If you say one more word about her I will punch your teeth out and shove them down your throat."

Alex wasn't yelling at her. After she had turned around, she had stepped up to her, close enough that only she would hear her threat. However, her words were more powerful than any scream. And, although the young girl obviously understood her as she took a step back, she didn't fully back down. "Careful Alex. Don't you know why you got your license back? Do you even know who I am?"

"I do. And I don't give a fuck. So _you_ better be careful because if I will ever hear you talking about her or any kind of drug thing again, you won't know anymore who you are."

When she still saw that priggish smile on her face, she said with her low voice, "Did I make myself clear?"

This time, she was at a loss for words and only managed to raise her hands as a sign of surrender. Nonetheless, her grin didn't vanish. And she continued to step too close to her.

She blinked her blue eyes a few times before she admitted, "It's not easy."

As Piper was being so honest with her, her sincerity visible in her gaze, Nicky returned the favour and confessed, "I know. I've been there, too."

"I mean, I know Alex's life hasn't been the prettiest and people who go through such hard times need something to keep them alive, something they can hold onto. But Nicky, she's just using out of habit."

"That's the thing with addicts. They don't realise that it's become a habit. And their bodies need it, a hit, a pill, a pipe, whatever they can find."

She let out a sigh, breathing out the memories of her own addiction. The fact that she hadn't planned to talk with Piper about such things didn't stop her from saying, "The drugs are kinda like a patch, you know? You get hurt and patch yourself up. But the drugs make sure that you won't remove your patch. So you keep it on although you're not hurt anymore. And of course the skin beneath it slowly begins to die and will infect your whole body. It's a vicious cycle you can't just break out of, especially not if you're not even aware of it, you're simply running like a hamster in your hamster wheel."

The way Piper was looking at her let Nicky know that she was truly concerned. But it was impossible to sugarcoat this. "Alex is sick, Piper. Addiction is a disease, not something you wished or wanted to happen. You don't choose to be a junkie. All you choose is a way out."

Nicky could see that Piper understood, and she could understand why Piper asked her, "What am I supposed to do? I really got no fucking clue, Nicky. It seems like the more I try to help her, the worse it gets."

"Look, I don't know you. But that stupid, glasses-wearing, arrogant giant must really love you, I've never seen her like that. And as I far as I know, she hates jealousy-"

"I'm not jealous," the blonde instantly stated.

"But she loves you, for real. In the end, it's up to the both of you. I can't beg you to stay with Alex although she might be pushing you away and hurt you and take drugs. I know that you two got issues, every normal couple does but, of course you and Alex aren't normal."

The blonde gave her a look, making Nicky shrug her shoulders. "You said you want her to be happy. Then make her happy… I'm not in the position to tell if you would sacrifice yourself for her. But Chapman, you should know, the thing with drugs is… not even love can save you."

Her words hit her like a thunderbolt and for a moment, she was petrified. Nicky knew what she was talking about. Though she didn't know her too well, Nicky once had gone through what the brunette had to face right now. She made it sound like Alex was sleepwalking deeper and further into her addiction. And everyone knew that you weren't allowed to wake up a sleepwalker.

When Piper was about to speak up, the scene she was witnessing silenced her. Jesse was 'stumbling', falling right against Alex's front and the brunette caught her, helping her up. The young girl used this opportunity to cling onto her and wrapped her arms around her. And she was staying for way too long in Alex's embrace.

Nicky only heard how Piper disbelievingly grumbled, "Is she fucking serious," and wasn't fast enough to hold her back this time. Not that she minded.

Despite the heels she was wearing, her steps were heavy when she stormed into the cage and contained herself as well as she could when she snarled, "What the _fuck_ do you think you're doing?"

Startled by her sudden presence, Alex immediately let go of her and took a step back to face her furious girlfriend that was in beast mode. As much as she enjoyed Piper being jealous, she didn't want her to be jealous of Jesse. After all, she could pull too many strings.

"Babe, I think you should drive home."

Even though she meant to calm her down and looked at her with soft jade eyes, Piper clearly misunderstood her. "Fuck no! Don't you see how she's hitting on you?"

"Who?" Jesse asked, looking as fake innocent as ever.

Staring her down, everyone could see that she was lusting for blood. "Who? Who? Are you a fucking owl?"

"Pipes-"

But not even Alex could stop her when she tried to touch her. The model brushed her off and said through gritted teeth, "Stay away from her."

"Me? I didn't do anything-"

"I'm not going to warn you another time," Piper cut her off, intensifying her death stare until the younger woman gave in and took a step back.

It was no secret that Piper was acting on her feelings. As words wouldn't soothe her, Alex grabbed her wrist and led her out of the cage, noticing how silent the hall was and that all eyes were on them. She sighed and kept silent as she didn't want to cause any more drama. Luckily, Red wasn't there. Otherwise, her own head wouldn't be the only one rolling on the floor.

They were in the entrance hall when Alex faced her and said, "What the fuck was that?"

She knew that she shouldn't be too sure that her head would still be on her shoulders as Piper raised her brows and resentfully replied, "Are you kidding me Alex?! She knows that you have a girlfriend and it didn't stop her from hitting on you all this fucking time!"

"This has nothing to do with you."

Alex regretted her words when Piper asked with a bewildered tone in her voice, "What do you mean?"

Sighing, the brunette explained, "She's been hitting on me ever since I became her trainer."

Before Piper had the chance to cuss her out, Alex tried to calm her down, "Pipes, there's no need to get mad."

However, the blonde didn't seem to listen and shoved her hand away when she reached for her neck. "So, just to get this straight," Alex let out an exasperated breath as she failed to allay her, "she's been after you this whole damn time and you didn't once think about telling me?"

"For god's sake Piper, I didn't tell you anything because there is nothing to tell you… see, this is exactly what she wanted, to drive a wedge between you and me."

But jealousy was filling Piper like poison, spreading within her like a fever. In addition, the previous night was still floating between them, increasing the tension like small lightnings. And what if Nicky had been right. What if Alex was a lost cause. Could she still spend the rest of her life with her? Was she able to live with her addiction?

This time, it was Alex who sensed that Piper was drifting away from her. So she made another attempt and lifted her hand, placing it gently on her neck, her thumb stroking her cheek.

"Trust me, okay?"

Alex was a junkie, though. And Piper couldn't just forget it and hated herself for saying, "I thought I couldn't trust people like you?"

There was no more word she needed to hear from the blonde. After all, it had been her own words.

 _You can't trust a junkie._

Yet, this had nothing do with her. So she let go of her, obviously hurt by her words and replied, "This isn't fair Piper."

"No, it isn't," Piper nearly whispered, intensifying her stare until they got ripped out of their own world they had built together.

"Vause, Jesse needs you."

She was looking into her azure eyes when she told Nicky, "Just a minute, Nichols."

As neither of the two knew what to say to each other, Alex shot one last glance at her before she turned her back on her, walking down the stairs back to the gym.

Standing in the cold entrance hall of the building, she could feel her heart crack a bit more in her ribcage. She left a few pieces of it on the ground when she made her way out.

* * *

"…the thing with drugs is…not even love can save you."

Those words kept running through her mind like on a continuous loop. There had been so many wake-up calls but maybe this was the final one Piper needed to truly wake up. As much as she loved Alex, maybe Alex would be better off with someone who would understand her. As she had told Nicky earlier, all she wanted was Alex to be happy. And Piper didn't know what it was like to be addicted to something. She might be addicted to Alex but Alex was a person. Not some fake happiness. Alex was real. Maybe she had to become an addict to become Alex's soulmate.

When she had been sitting with Nicky on that bench, the wild-haired woman had admitted that she wouldn't know how selfish Piper could be when it came to Alex. And now she was thinking about ruining herself to save Alex. However, it wouldn't be real. Their love would turn into a pill or some powder as well that would fill them up with fake happiness. Eventually, they could only truly be together if either of them would become someone they weren't. Alex would have to get clean or Piper would need to get addicted. It was no option, though. They've done crazy things, they were fucked up but not fucked up enough to cross this final line.

She just wanted to be with Alex, to be her rock and lover and friend and guardian angel. But as long as Alex would be addicted, she wouldn't let her be those things.

Wake up, Piper.

And then she had to think about how Alex was probably still at the gym, being touched by that other blonde woman. She felt sick. It wasn't due to the liquor in her blood, though. Some twisted part that was deeply buried inside of her knew that she would rather kill Alex herself than having to see her with somebody else. She would rather be dead than having to live a life without her. And she was too selfish to let Alex live a life without her. If she hadn't been so messed up, she would realise that she didn't need to doubt the brunette's feelings. Addiction wasn't a choice. But Piper was a choice and Alex was making it every day.

Wake up, Piper.

She didn't know that she had drifted off to sleep when the bell of her door violently tore her out of her drowsiness. Not caring to check the time or who was waiting on the other side of the front door, she got up, nazzy legs carrying her.

The door swung open and she could feel how her heart felt lighter in an instant.

"Hey baby girl."

She was leaning with her shoulder against the wooden frame of the door, and although Piper could see it in her eyes that she was high, she was happy to see her. However, that moment didn't last too long and the model hid all of her emotions when she said, "Al, it's late."

"I know. I had to stay a bit longer at the gym-"

A bittersweet taste was on her lips when Alex let her know where she had been this whole time. Jesse perhaps needed a few more stretching and falling lessons, and afterwards, Alex still had the time to get high. She could feel how her heart was sinking again.

"I'm tired Alex. Can't we talk about this tomorrow?"

"No," the brunette instantly replied, stepping inside of her apartment.

After she had closed the door behind her, she looked at Piper so earnestly that the drugs in her jade gaze almost faded away. Almost.

Inching closer to Piper, she eventually said, "I know that you and Nicky had a talk. I know what she said to you."

The jet-haired woman could see that her words surprised her. So she made a short pause before she continued. "I can understand that you're terrified. Nicky doesn't really sugarcoat anything but, well, I mean, there's nothing you can sugarcoat when you're talking about drugs."

Despite her slightly hazy gaze, she didn't miss that for once, Piper was hanging on her every word. The drugs just made it harder for her to choose the right things to say. "Piper, I-"

Suddenly, it was Piper's lips that were hanging onto her own and a sharp breath escaped her throat when her back hit the hard surface of the door. Before she even knew, her leather jacket was off and Piper leaned against her with her complete body weight, pushing her deeper against the door. Although Alex was usually the dominant one, she couldn't deny that she liked it when Piper was aggressive and was taking matters into her hands, especially when it was her whom she was taking. Piper was practically kissing all the words she wanted so say away, swallowing her groans as well. Her kisses turned harder and rougher, maybe even a bit sloppy and she was biting onto Alex's bottom lip whilst her hands were roaming over her body that would have been sore if she hadn't been drugged. Thus Piper's touches intensified and they sent shivers down her spine.

Who wanted to talk when they could use their mouths for sucking the life out of each other.

"Have you been with her this whole time?" she suddenly heard the model ask who was attacking her jaw.

Refusing to say her name, Alex replied quietly yet firmly, "I hate her."

"I know. But you hated me, too, and it didn't stop you from fucking me."

Due to her response, the brunette grabbed her cheeks to make her look at her. "You really wanna talk about her now?"

"I don't wanna talk at all," Piper responded and her mouth retrieved her jaw.

Alex eventually answered with a deep kiss as she moved her head to find her lips. She let her hands roam through her light hair, tightening her hold to regain some control. However, Piper continued to trap her, Alex's muscular back colliding with the door once more. It was no secret that it was Piper's jealousy that was driving her, bringing her possessive and aggressive side to the surface. Though Alex used to dislike women being possessive about her, there was nothing she wouldn't allow the blonde to do. Even if it was putting a bullet through her skull.

Unlike the typical addict that would always strive for slipping into a floating state of unconscious, Alex was fond of being in control. So she broke free and, with their bodies still intertwined, pushed the woman in front of her forward. The model didn't let go of her though and kept her hands on the collar of her shirt, holding onto her so soundly that they were balled to fists. Alex was sure that she would change the shape of her top if she kept clinging onto her like this but she couldn't care less. After all, she was glad that Piper hadn't dislodged her like a strayer.

And Piper was the only one who was being brutish, based on the way she was leading the other woman eagerly to the couch in her living room. With strong palms on Alex's chest, she pushed the taller woman onto it and their mouths disconnected. But not for long as the model didn't waste a second and climbed onto her lap.

"Jealousy sex is almost as good as angry sex," Alex commented, looking up at her with hazy eyes and her smirk.

Returning her gaze, Piper replied defiantly, "You really think I'm jealous of that bitch?"

Then the brunette had to arch a brow and Piper didn't know if she was going to kiss or kill her.

"Pipes, even Nicky sensed your sting of jealousy."

"I think she doesn't like me," the model admitted, her cerulean eyes wandering through her apartment.

"Did she call you by your last name?"

"Yes."

"Then you have nothing to worry about," Alex told her without adding any further information and lunged forward, planting open-mouthed kisses on Piper's neck.

Having Alex's lips against her sensitive skin, Piper could feel how she was losing control. She might be the complete opposite of her, but she enjoyed having the upper hand when it came to Alex. It was exhilarating and utterly thrilling for her to know that she was the only one who could subject the raven-haired woman. As if she was Alex's goddess.

Nonetheless, it was too easy for the brunette to make her lose her composure. Alex could make her feel headless, making her forget about the world and her own. That was why she let out a shaky breath when she felt how the woman under her groped her chest, her breasts fitting into her palm despite the fabric of her blouse.

"I still can't believe that you walked into the gym like that," Alex whispered against her neck.

"Like what?"

Her words came out in a moan, and the brunette was grinning as she pulled her head back to gaze at her. "You were wearing heels and a white suit, Pipes. In a gym."

"So what? Don't be such a dick. I had an interview and the first thing I did afterwards was visiting you," the model stated, hearing Alex chuckle.

"Aren't you the perfect girlfriend?"

She asked that question with a dreamy undertone in her low voice, her eyes even dreamier. But Piper thought it was because of the drugs in her blood so she stopped herself from cherishing it too much. Therefore she agreed confidently. "I am."

The perky tone in her voice didn't go unnoticed by Alex. Nonetheless, she gave her soft breasts a tight squeeze and saw how Piper let out a silent moan. Pride will have a fall.

Eventually, the model decided to take matters into her hands. Literally. Her hand ran like a brush over Alex's torso until it reached the button of her jeans. With a swift move, she unbuttoned it and pulled it down just enough to gain access. Her fingers smoothly dipped into her undergarment, finding wet heat. She knew that Alex was stopping herself from moaning when she kissed her, hard and deep, and wrapped one hand around her neck to pull her as close as possible.

Although the brunette didn't deserve her kindness, Piper decided to drop the teasing and slipped a finger inside of her. Alex should know whom she belonged to.

"Piper," she breathed against her lips, her name sounding like a prayer and the blonde knew that she had succeeded.

As her ego reached the climax that was building up inside of Alex, she replied, "That's right baby, you're mine."

To underline her words, she added a second finger and thrusted deeper, hitting spots that made Alex kiss her bottom lip. Whilst Piper was fucking her relentlessly and picked up her pace, Alex was holding onto her last piece of control and broke the kiss to say, "You really don't need to be jealous baby girl."

But Piper wasn't only jealous of Jesse. She was jealous of the drugs. After all, heroin was her greatest competitor and she was somehow trying to fuck it out of Alex, fucking her own disappointment away as well. That was why her words sounded nearly offensive when she told her with her soft voice, "Shut the fuck up."

With a rough push, she managed to make Alex moan shamelessly and the orgasm ripped through her complete body like a thunder. She was paralysed for a moment as the drugs failed to numb her, somehow even intensifying her ecstasy. Exhaustedly, she let her the back of her head drop onto the backrest of the sofa, and Piper leaned down to kiss her, putting her words under seal. Without hesitation, Alex put her strong arms around her slim silhouette and laid her down, finally regaining control when she sucked it out of her as her face was buried between her shaky legs.

* * *

"How did you even come here?"

"Nicky drove me."

"And you really think she likes me? Because I'm pretty sure that she doesn't."

Alex looked at her and there was a sly grin on her face. "Trust me, you would literally feel it if you got on her bad side."

"Well, I do feel that I got on her bad side dummy," Piper retorted whilst she was lying on her stomach next to her, holding her jade gaze.

"Nicky is… Nicky. But just because she can be an asshole form time to time doesn't mean that she hates your guts."

"That's probably something she learned from you."

"What?" Alex questioned, her thin brows pulled together.

"That assholeness."

The brunette just shook her head but that smirk remained on her face. They were still on the couch, Alex lying on her back as her eyes were fixed on the woman to her side. She was stroking Piper's cheek when she stated, "If she didn't like you she wouldn't have told you all those things."

She caught Piper giving her a curious look, and, although she knew that it would change their peaceful mood, she explained, "I kinda wanted to kick her in the face. After she told me what she had said to you, I knew that those things would make you feel insecure. She kinda described being an addict as a lost cause."

But Alex was a lost cause.

However, her response stayed inside her head and the brunette continued. "Piper, you're the best thing that has ever happened and will ever happen to me. I could never let you go."

But that was what she was doing. Every time she would get high.

"Last night must have been awful for you. I can understand that. But I wasn't pushing you away. I just didn't want you to see how sick I am… I just needed this damn line."

Her last words came out nearly frustrated, and Piper wondered if she finally understood, if that final line made her realise that she had to make a change.

But, Alex was a lost cause.

"I wish I could say that it wasn't me, but that would be a lie. I need them, Piper. The drugs, I just do. I'm sorry," Alex said, and she felt how Piper was slipping out of her embrace when she sat up on her knees.

As if she didn't hear her, she just replied as she was looking down at her, "Dammit Alex, you're always sorry! You always apologise but it doesn't change anything. You say you're sorry and the next moment you're taking whatever fucking drug to get high. It's a vicious cycle, don't you see?"

"What do you want Piper?" Alex calmly asked, afraid of losing her.

"If you love me, you'll quit."

The jet-haired woman scoffed, obviously disbelieving what Piper had just offered her. "Are you serious? You can't do that."

"What?"

"Giving me a damn ultimatum!"

"I'm giving you a choice-"

"You want me to pick, that's what you mean!"

At some point, Alex had propped herself up on her elbows, no longer being able to keep herself calm.

"I want you to stop using-"

"Bullshit! You want to change me. Correct me if I'm wrong but weren't you the one who said that you wanted all of me or none of me?"

"I do want all of you!"

"Oh, really? So, just for the record, you want all of me… well, except for the drugs… that makes sense."

"You don't get it."

"I don't get it because you want to change me! You can't accept me for who I am, for what I am. It's crystal clear, Piper! So stop trying to disguise the truth and stop turning everything around. You can't handle me, that's the point!"

She wanted to blow her brain out when Jesse's words echoed through her mind.

Piper would never be able to understand. It would be so much easier to be with someone who loved drugs as well. They would never work.

"That's not the point."

"Then what is the point?!"

Piper was never going to be able to understand her. But Alex eventually understood.

"I don't want to lose you."

Her last sentence made every word Alex could say disappear into thin air. Suddenly, the drug haze that has been fogging Alex's mind and herself ever since the very first time she had tried drugs died away. She began to understand what everyone else had tried to tell her. She began to understand why everyone else had tried to make her see. The golden-haired woman in front of her was simply the sun whose beams managed to break through the thick coat of Alex's high nebula.

"Al, your nose," Piper suddenly said and Alex felt how that familiar iron touched her lips.

Whilst the model got up to get her a tissue, Alex was pressing the back of her hand against her nostrils to interrupt the bloodstream. Her pain was even physical and yet the brunette couldn't see how the drugs were ruining her.

"For fuck's sake," the blonde muttered when she returned and handed her a tissue.

But her blue eyes let Alex know that her anger wasn't directed at her. Sitting up, she placed the tissue against her nose and watched Piper sitting down on the edge of the couch, having a blanket wrapped around her bare body.

There was an apologetic look in her blueness that Alex couldn't stare at. It reminded her of this feeling she had had earlier that day. That she was a shameless hoe, willing to do anything for a small hit. Another wave of self-hatred tried to wash over her but eventually failed. However, she could still feel how Piper's eyes were lingering on her, and the only words she could say when she looked at her were, "Is that what you really want?"

"What?" she asked softly.

"Me to get clean."

"I want you to be happy Alex."

A moment of silence set in, and whilst her azure eyes remained on her, Alex dropped her gaze to look at the red tissue in her hand. It was like staring into her iron downfall. Suddenly, she mumbled, "It'll be ugly."

It surprised her when she heard the blonde reply, "I know."

Her emerald eyes shot up, finding the sky in her pure eyes. Piper moved closer to her, kneeling next to her and she grabbed the tissue to remove the bloodstains for her from above her lip. She was staring at it as she spoke up again, "Baby, I'm worried."

"I know."

There was another pause and Piper was still cleaning her face with the tissue. Alex was just watching her while she was leaning against the backrest. Her brain was running at full speed. She was having a headache. Though it didn't compare to the ache in her ribcage. How much more could she hurt Piper until she would fly away as the angel she truly was.

"You'll help me?"

As her words came out of nowhere and broke the silence, Piper needed a second to realise what she had meant. When she understood, she said sincerely, "I'll always be there for you."

Alex suddenly grabbed her hand, stopping her from removing the bloodstains and intertwined it with her own. The blonde looked at her with big eyes as she told her, "You will want to kill me at some points."

"Nothing I haven't wanted before."

When the taller woman gave her a deadpan look, she dropped the banter and stated, "I'll do anything for you."

After a while and an exchange of intense stares, Alex eventually nodded her head. Her hand was on Piper's neck and her gaze fixed on her when she said with her raspy voice. "I choose you."

Piper was stunned, her cerulean eyes reflecting all kinds of emotions. So Alex kept holding onto her, letting her know that she was her rock and told her, "I'll get clean. For you."

But that wasn't how it worked. Piper's relief rushed through her at such an ecstatic pace that she forgot one thing. Love couldn't save her. And you would never get fully clean when you did it for the one you loved.


	25. Novacane

_I'm truly sorry for the long-overdue upload of this chapter. I don't want to make a big fuss about it, yet I think there are some things I need to address. It still blows me away how many of you are so interested in this story and always leave such amazing reviews that I don't deserve. I'm serious. I am incredibly self-conscious, but that doesn't stop me from being a perfectionist. Although I'm anything but satisfied with the way this chapter turned out, I cannot let you wait any longer. Also, though it's quite obvious, I'm a smackhead who has struggles like everyone else. So, it might happen from time to time that you'll have to wait for an upload. And i sincerely apologise for it in advance, trust me when I say that I would love to upload a new chapter daily._

 _However, I want to thank every single one of you whose patience i haven't overstretched yet. Seriously, thank you._

 _Xx_

* * *

 _Chapter 25: Novacane_

Her chest was heaving ferociously and her lungs were hungry when her orgasm crushed upon her, making her boneless body sink into the mattress. Jet black hair appeared from beneath the blanket and she was eagerly expecting this gorgeous face that those dark waves framed. However, the brunette climbed off her and instead of meeting her plump lips, she was facing her tattooed back. Still intoxicated by her sexual ecstasy, she had to catch a steady breath before she could speak up. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?"

The other woman reached for her glasses before she looked over her shoulder and said with a raspy chuckle, "Relax kid."

But Piper was already wrapping her arms around her torso, unwilling to let her go and kissed her way up her ivory neck until she reached her ear and whispered, "I'm not finished with you."

It was Saturday, and Alex has been clean for five days now. She actually thought that she could make it. She was inexperienced, though. This was her first real withdrawal and the first days wouldn't be the hardest. At the beginning, you would still be drugged, eager to find out how far you were going to come and you were pumped full of the unknown. Her ambition got her high. And like every high, it would wear off and reality would set back in sooner or later. If Alex wasn't distracting herself this much by fucking her girlfriend anywhere and anytime, she would be dying already. Not even she herself could tell if she was aware of her limitless sex-drive that she used to ignore the truth. She needed a hit.

Although she could feel the blonde's hardened nipples pressing against her spine through the fabric of her top which increased her desire to throw her on her back and repeat what she had just done, she couldn't ignore her duty. And she couldn't tell if Piper forgot about it as well or refused to acknowledge it. She leaned more into her and pushed her raven hair back to kiss her temple whilst her soft hands began to roam over her torso. That was why Alex hated it when others took care of her. She couldn't just grab her phone and call Red to tell her that she wouldn't show up tonight, not after everything the red-haired woman had done for her. So she suppressed a moan and her own ego and reminded the woman behind her, "Pipes, I really need to go."

The blonde didn't listen, though, and continued to stroke her chest. When she placed a hand between Alex's thighs, she told her with that cruelly innocent voice, "No babe, you just really need to come."

Alex couldn't agree with her more. Nonetheless, she grabbed her soft hand that was in her lap and pulled it back. She felt how Piper stopped kissing her instantly and therefore explained, "You know there's nothing more I want right now-"

"Yeah, I know," Piper cut her off and started to kiss her neck.

Every time the blonde's lips met her sensitive skin, words seemed to escape. So she inhaled deeply and turned around to face her. "I can't stay… but I'll be back before you even have the chance to miss me too much."

Piper's blue eyes pierced her as she asked, "What's more important than this?"

It was obvious that Piper was still jealous, the tone in her voice had given her away. And when the brunette raised an eyebrow, her cover blew. "No Al, don't tell me you're seriously going to that fight."

"You know that I have to."

"No you don't."

"Piper," she began, letting out a sigh before she stated, "you're cute when you're jealous but now it's starting to get out of hand."

Her jade eyes were soft but Piper couldn't care less and scoffed. "This isn't about jealousy. That stupid bitch is up to no good Al."

"You're being paranoid kid," she replied, letting out a chuckle when she got up from the bed.

"Are you kidding me? I thought you were so good at reading people but you can't see how obvious it is that this cunt is manipulating you?"

"You wanna come with me?"

"Fuck no!" Piper immediately said firmly and stood up, too, the sheets wrapped around her naked body. When she saw how the raven-haired woman was putting on her dark jeans, she added, "We're not going anywhere tonight."

Maybe it was because it has been too long ever since she had had her last dose but Alex wasn't in the mood for Piper's possessiveness, and definitely not for a fight. Nevertheless, she couldn't hold herself back and rose to look at her girlfriend with blood serious eyes. "We? Honestly? You're sounding like a psycho Piper. How many times am I supposed to tell you that you have nothing to worry about?"

"Hm, maybe if you had told me in the first place that you've got a young pretty blonde girl running after you at the gym that you're seeing every day and actually spend a load of time with cause you're fucking training her, I wouldn't need to be a psycho," the model responded, holding her intense stare.

"You're still holding that against me, huh?"

Her unapologetic words silenced the blonde, and she was just looking at her with wonder in her azure eyes. It was obvious that she was at a loss for words, struggling to figure out why Alex couldn't understand her. So she made another attempt and explained to the brunette, "I just want you to be honest with me."

But she failed as Alex didn't hesitate to say, "I've never lied to you." And then Piper caught her mutter, "Jesus, this is bullshit."

"Bullshit? What is bullshit Alex? That honesty and loyalty are essential for a functional relationship?" she retorted in an instant.

"I have never lied to you," the raven-haired woman stated once more, accentuating every single word.

It was like they had travelled back in time and their status quo has turned into their former state. First they fucked and then they fought. The only difference was that drugs didn't take part in it. Eventually, Alex broke the silence but not their eye-contact when she told her, "You know what? I'm leaving now because I have to and I'm also already late. And maybe you need some time to get your head out of your ass."

With that she turned around and didn't face Piper when she heard her say, "Fuck you."

But these two words nearly meant nothing. They were overused terms for them.

* * *

As if she didn't already know, the red-haired woman gave her a piercing look. "You're late."

"Yeah, but I'm here now, aren't I?"

"I hope you'll be nicer to the interviewers," Red told her and Alex didn't even try to hide her plaintiveness. "Don't give me this look, kiddo. You've been on the news all this time, didn't you get any of that?"

Piper has been making her immune to the world. The only things that were real were happening in their own little zone. Red's question stunned her. Piper was able to make her forget about anything.

"The newspeople want to talk to you."

Due to her cocky vein, she eventually managed to say something. "But I don't."

However, that realisation was still numbing her. Just like that fight she had had with her girlfriend before hasn't stopped burdening her brain. If she hadn't been so full of pride, she would have apologised to her by now. Although she didn't even know for what.

Red's intense stare dragged her back into the world outside her mind, and she was returning it when she stated, "Red, I came tonight. Isn't that enough?"

But her trainer just arched an eyebrow, a silent response that made Alex sigh defeatedly. The soft tone in Red's voice caught her off guard, though. "Just do it for me, okay?"

Giving and taking.

Almost choking on her proud ego, she eventually swallowed it and slightly nodded her head in response. Red immediately rose the corner of her lips whilst Alex couldn't deny that she wished to be high. It would make everything easier. But she loved Piper, so she murdered her thoughts and began to stroll through the halls of the arena, walking right into the big sea of flashing lights and hungry sharks. It was her against the world again.

Her feet haven't even touched the cold water and the cameras were blinding her already, echoes of her name deafening her. That was why she hated being famous. As a young girl, she had been a nobody. But then her fists, that had gotten her in trouble in the past, made her famous and everyone wanted to be with her, even those who had tried to stay as far away from her as possible. It was this whole fame-shit she hated. This whole all-people-know-my-name shit was really funny. Cause suddenly, everyone wanted to be around her. And people thought that they knew her, simply because they knew her name. As if they were her best friend, they could judge her, give advise, by writing articles and taking pictures.

A small line would be nice right now. And her thirst instantly grew when her eyes fell on Piper's ‚ex-boyfriend'. She stopped herself form rolling her flash-light-blinded eyes and decided to casually walk past him, even though she was wondering why she had to run into him at such an event. Ignoring the questions the reporters were yelling at her turned out to be easier than ignoring his presence. though. Probably because he asked her that one question that was able to catch her attention.

"Is Piper still miserable enough to be with you?"

His face was turned to her as he was looking over his shoulder. Alex was still debating whether she should rip his tongue out or rip his crotch off, given that he had the latter, when she returned his gaze. It wasn't the fact that he had subtly indicated that desperate frustration was running Piper into her arms. The brunette has never had a bad temper. She preferred to store her emotions away, hiding them beneath her cool and indifferent surface. The reason for why his words had gotten so easily under her skin like a nice shot (she had to quit thinking about it) and why she was contemplating breaking his nose a second time was, that she was protective. People could insult her and spread lies about her as much and bad as they wanted. But if one bad word was directed at someone she cared about, that person had to be suicidal.

And as much as she wanted to fulfill his obvious death wish, the cameras held her back. She still hasn't returned to the cage and she certainly never would if she started a fight outside of it. Her throat has become sore because she had to swallow her ego so often. Eventually, she dropped her gaze and walked past him as she was looking for reporters that didn't look like money-grubbing parasites. One of them refused to leave her alone, though. She was about to listen to a newsperson's question when someone else asked her, "Alex Vause, don't you recognise me?"

Reluctantly, she shot a glance at him but couldn't turn his back on him after he had added, "You stole my pretty little girlfriend."

She didn't miss how the reporters' eyes widened instantly as he revealed himself to be one of those other cockroaches and therefore stated, "I didn't steal anything."

But her words meant nothing, the paparazzi already starting to ask questions regarding Piper and their relationship and she could feel how the crowd fixed their eyes on them again, sensing the tension although no fight has started yet. Tyler kept staring at her, trying to stare her down but failed as Alex was as tall as him. With a small grin on his face, he calmly retorted, "Come on Alex, everyone knows that you have no clay feet."

"And why is that any of your business?"

Her raspy voice was calm, hiding all the heat and rage in her blood. For a moment, he was silent and only watching her curiously. It was obvious that he was looking for something to say, something that would make her cool facade slip. After a while, he was sure that he had found something. "Hey, if it hadn't been for her you still would have been a nameless loser who has nothing."

Alex knew that he wasn't talking about Piper when he nodded his head towards the posters on the walls. Great. Red had made a pact with the devil's daughter who was having dealings with Tyler, another spawn of the devil. Jesse and Tyler were in cahoots together. And the brunette was surprised that she hadn't seen it coming.

Finally, she noticed that he realised that his tricks wouldn't work on her. Nonetheless, he took one last shot and leaned forward before he lowered his voice and said, "I mean, we both know what Piper's like in bed but… show Jesse some affection. She likes you. And you owe her something."

With that, he stepped away and the only words that were lingering on Alex's mind were his first ones. She easily forgot the rest but his first words were clinging onto her brain like claws.

 _We both know what Piper's like in bed._

At that time, Piper and her hadn't been together. She wasn't struggling to get rid off these words because she felt like Piper had cheated on her. She wasn't struggling to get rid off these words because she was jealous. The reason she couldn't shake them off was because she wasn't doubting that he had been lying. Piper had slept with him. And it was bothering her harder than she could handle.

Or maybe he was just lying. Alex was a dry addict at the moment. This was the best time to get into her head and plant thoughts and false facts. Her head was starting to feel heavy, she wanted to snort the pressure away. She couldn't, though. She loved Piper.

(But she loved herself, too.)

She didn't notice that she was caught in a state of complete paralysation until the devil sent its other underling.

"Alex, I was looking for you. I need your help."

Before she heard Jesse's words, she could feel her hand on her shoulder and was about to shake it off when Tyler's advise crossed her overloaded mind. In the end, she was glad that she had her license back, she wanted to fight again. And life was not all guns and roses and you didn't always have a choice. So she decided to carry her burden and faced the blonde who was standing by her side. Paparazzi have already taken plenty of pictures of them but Alex wasn't focused enough to be aware of it. The younger woman was wearing a robe that was covering her boxing attire and was yet again standing too close to the jet-haired woman. Also, she was staring a bit too long at her but Alex was still too frozen.

Like a tamed panther, she was following the light-haired woman to the cubicles in the arena.

* * *

Whilst Alex was leaning against the cold wall, her arms crossed in front of her chest, the young girl was sitting on the bench and looked at her with serious eyes. "I have to win tonight. If I lose, nobody will take me seriously."

As the brunette couldn't share her concern, she only managed to tell her, "You're just nervous. No need to freak out."

But Jesse sussed her, especially when her jade-green gaze and mind obviously drifted away.

"I need you to do something for me."

And before Alex had the chance to ask her what she meant, she got up and walked over to her locker. When she turned around, she was approaching Alex with a hand that was balled into a fist. She was hiding something in it. It was revealed to her when Jesse was standing right in front of her and opened her hand. Although Alex could assume what was in her palm, she asked nonetheless, "What is that?"

"Just a small guarantee that I will win tonight."

Alex was still staring at the pills in her hand, and for a short moment, she saw her own hand reaching for it so she would swallow something besides her pride. She just wanted to quench her thirst. However, some sanity pushed her toxic lust aside and she found herself in the real world. Tearing her eyes away, she was gazing at the woman in front of her when she said, "You will win, you don't need this. Nobody will take you seriously when they'll find out what you did."

Without blinking an eye, the blonde replied, "That's why you'll do it for me."

She wanted to speak up, protest, cuss, but her sanity shut her mouth down. The ice she was walking on was getting thinner. And the burden on her shoulders was getting heavier. Yet, as if someone had turned a switch, she realised that she was just a lost cause and eventually broke free from her own jail. After all, she had nothing to lose.

"Jesse, I can't do that. And you know that you don't need to do this, you're good enough. You won't lose."

Her own words made her feel sick. But it was still better than becoming Jesse's personal hooker. But Jesse's smile let her know that she wanted the brunette to be her personal hooker. "Remember Alex, you owe me something. If you won't cooperate all I'll have to do is snap my finger and you'll lose your license again."

"I don't care," Alex immediately responded and saw how Jesse's grin was painted in wickedness when she heard the younger woman say, "No, of course you don't. But you do care about Piper, right?"

Again, rage reached the surface when the blonde mentioned the name of someone she cared about. "She has nothing to do with this."

"In fact, she has a lot to do with this," Jesse began to explain, running her fingers over Alex's arm.

This time, Alex didn't hesitate to brush her off as she was driven by pure anger and impatience. Her box was about to burst open, it was a loose canon. Through gritted teeth, she said, "I'm warning you one last time, Jesse. Stop your little fucked up games, I'm not falling for them."

She was staring her down, making the blonde pull her hand back. However, she was brave enough to speak up. "Jeez, relax Alex. I'm just asking for a favour here, no need to be rude. I did you a favour and now it's time for you to return it. That's all I want."

Both women knew that Jesse was lying. Nevertheless, Alex was too sober to function properly. Maybe it was her own mind playing tricks on her again. And then Piper's words appeared, and Alex eventually understood them. She wanted to punch herself in the face for her former ignorance. She ran her hand through her dark waves before her eyes landed on the pills. "That shit won't put your opponent in a coma, will it?"

"Oh no. It will just make her feel a bit dizzy. Nothing serious," the blonde informed her, holding the tabs out to her.

Suddenly, it dawned on her how much she missed Piper. She wished that she would be here with her right now because she would know what to do. Unlike Alex who has been an exemplary junkie that always made the wrong choices.

Jesse coldly ripped her out of her longing when she stated, "Just do it and we'll be even."

She made it sound so easy. But nothing in life was easy, especially not life itself. And just like an ideal addict, Alex made the wrong choice. She reached forward and grabbed the pills.

* * *

When she came home, her apartment was quiet and cold. Internally, she was afraid that it was empty, too. Light that was beaming through the door crack and was illuminating her darkness removed her fear eventually. Opening the door to the bedroom, she found her girlfriend fast asleep whilst the tv was on. This view was able to make her shoulders and head a bit lighter.

Just like she had assumed, Jesse had won. With every sip her opponent had taken from her bottle that Alex had mixed with the pills, she had been losing her focus. She had looked like a poor deer in comparison to Jesse who defeated her in cold blood in the third round. The other girl had had no chance. And to erase all means of evidence, Jesse had told Alex to place the pills in the other girl's locker room, so when the going would get rough, she could foist doping on her opponent. And Alex had helped her. All she wanted was this horrendously dry day to end.

Not wanting to wake the blonde up, she took quiet steps to the bathroom, on her way turning the tv set off. Inside, she brushed her teeth and washed her face before she undressed herself and returned to the bedroom in her underwear. After she had slipped under the sheets and placed her glasses on the nightstand, she laid down on her side, her back turned to the woman next to her. She refused to recall the day and just closed her eyes, letting out a deep exhale as she was trying to find some sleep. Slim soft arms that suddenly wrapped around her torso pulled her back, though. Despite her exhaustion, she was aware of Piper's warm closure when the model whispered against her neck, "Hey."

The brunette could feel how Piper intensified her grip on her, as if she was trying to hold her together. Intertwining her cold hand with her soft hand, she replied huskily, "Hey."

She couldn't tell how much time has passed but after a while, she heard the blonde say, "Alex?"

"Yes baby girl?"

"Are you okay?"

Once, she had been far from okay. But with Piper around, she has been getting closer to okay with every day she has been spending with her. So she responded contently, "Yes, I am now."

"Good," the model breathed against her neck and eventually, they fell asleep, having in their arms everything they needed. Each other.

* * *

 _(Keep giving me love)  
_ _Hold me tight, let me go  
_ _Heal my heart, hurt my soul  
_ _Build me up, break me down  
_ _Make me smile, make me frown  
_ _Give me love, take it all away again  
_ _(And then you take it away)_

The following day, the drugs seemed to leave her alone to give her some rest from the former day. Except for the drug that was plastering her back with arms that were nearly crushing her ribs. Piper was still in the same position she had fallen asleep in and Alex's first thought on her mind weren't white lines, but Piper's face. So she carefully turned around in the blonde's arms and couldn't stop herself from smiling when she was finally looking at her. It was really cheesy, but cheesily real as well. Piper made her happy. Piper made her aware of her veins, how they were pumping blood; of how her lungs, how they were supplying her with oxygen; of how her heart, how it was beating in her chest. Piper made her feel alive. Someone taught her how to live, someone who used to be a ghost, too. They both had been dead inside, lifeless corpses that were caught in the madness that was the world. And now Piper has become her life.

Absentmindedly, she began to tuck loose strands of golden hair behind her ear. She liked how soft it was, just like Piper herself. Everything about her was soft, especially her heart. That was why there was constantly a rope around Alex's throat. She had to be careful with Piper's heart. If she did damage to it, it might be borked. And every time she would hurt her, that rope would get tighter, stealing her breath for every little heartbreak. She had been choking last night, when she had been too ignorant to understand her, and too careless to care.

It has never been hard for her to read people. But Piper's closed eyes were like a door. They stopped her from entering her mind, her world. Alex wanted to know what she was thinking, whether she was dreaming and, if she was, what was her dream about. What kind of thoughts were buried in her subconscious. Could she picture a future with her. With someone, who sold her soul for a small bag of smack. Alex wondered, what they would do to each other after all those things they already had done to each other. Where would they go. Would they stay together. Was Piper loving her more than herself. When would they reach their final border. Have they already passed it. Were they intoxicated by their mutual madness. Was this all just a dream.

 _(Wake up)_

"You're staring."

Alex hated mornings. However, there was nothing Piper couldn't make her love. She was no longer devastated every time she would open her eyes and realise that she was still alive. Not if the first thing her eyes landed on was her.

She could put her in such a good mood that the brunette was able to banter. "I'm searching for wrinkles."

Green met blue as if some universal, almighty power made them for each other. Finally, Alex could enter her world. And the only thing she could find in this sky was herself. Piper's dreamy eyes were enough to give an answer to all of her questions.

 _(Don't ever wake me up)_

"You were born being a dick, weren't you?" the blonde asked her softly, an even softer smile on her face.

Alex immediately copied the look on her face as she was running her long fingers through Piper's light hair. "Probably because I was born without a dick."

She saw how the model put her hand on her face to hide her wide grin. But she failed to cover her chuckle that accompanied her words. "Oh gosh."

Whilst Piper was giggling, her hand still on her face, the brunette was just watching her intently, admiring her lovingly with her emerald eyes. If Piper could look at herself through Alex's eyes, maybe she would realise that she was an angel.

Her cold hand was on the model's side, lying on the skin beneath the fabric of the shirt she was wearing, another one she had stolen from her dark-haired girlfriend. Only after Alex reluctantly tore her eyes off her flawless face, she noticed her theft. With a smirk on her face that Piper couldn't see, she said with her husky voice, "Stop hiding your face," and grabbed her slim wrist to pull her arm away.

Piper didn't even protest and, when the raven-haired woman eventually made her look at her, she added, her tone warning and even lower, "And stop wearing my clothes."

"You're jealous that I look so much better in them than you?" the younger woman asked as her eyes flickered to Alex's full lips for a second.

"Oh no," Alex replied, her own chuckle interrupting her before she could explain, "they're way too big for you anyway."

"Maybe because I'm no big-ass lighthouse on two legs."

"You're calling me a lighthouse, kid?"

When Alex also rose a brow and smirked at her, the blonde's smile was replaced by a deadpan look and she elicited a husky laugh from her. Slowly, her chuckle faded away and her jade eyes captured her cerulean. She let go of her wrist and began to stroke her skin underneath her shirt to emphasise her words. "I really like my clothes but every time I see you wearing them, I just wanna rip them off you."

"Hm, I can see the dilemma you're in," Piper admitted sweetly with that sinful innocence in her voice.

It got even filthier when she traced her tongue over her lips as she began to stare at Alex's. Then she bit on it and every thought Alex had and could have had crumbled to dust in an instant. Her fingers were clinging onto her toned skin like claws when she leaned in and kissed her.

The line Piper drew with her fingers when she grazed them over her pale neck was the exact one she needed. Nonetheless, deep down that hungry fire was still raging. But Piper's kisses and touches washed over it like waves, and Alex smiled into the kiss when her hand settled on the blonde's bare chest. She gave it a squeeze to mark her control. It caught her off guard, though, when she found herself lying on her back and the model on top of her. In order to sit up, Piper broke the kiss, making dark green eyes shoot up at her. As the brunette impatiently arched an eyebrow, Piper told her, "I'm actually way too nice to you."

"How come?"

Her fingers were sliding through her golden hair when she heard her reply, "You just left last night… in the middle of sex. You dropped me like a hot potato."

"You are a hot potato, a very hot potato," Alex said with a smirk on her face and rose her head from the pillow to kiss her.

However, the model put her palm on her chest and pushed her back onto the mattress. Her hand remained on her as she looked down at her, her hair cascading over her shoulders like a golden waterfall.

"You used to be smoother, Vause."

"What?" the brunette asked, her thin bows pulled together.

Piper was staring at her breasts that were only covered by her bra before she managed to speak up. "Some things you said really made my panties drop. But now they kinda make my nipples invert."

"What the fuck Pipes?!"

She dropped her hands that were underneath her shirt to rest them on Piper's sides as she couldn't stop herself from laughing. As she noticed that the model was trying to keep her composure, she sighed, "I knew that my I love you would be a total bummer. Now you see me as a big softie who's got a weak spot for you."

"I knew that your cockiness was just a facade right from the start… also, you've always had a weak spot for me," Piper told her whilst her darkened blue eyes were shamelessly undressing her.

"You're having a pretty high self-esteem, kid."

"Careful baby," the blonde breathed out, one of her hands running over Alex's torso towards her legs.

The ache in the pit of her stomach increased enormously, and Piper was aware of it. She burned the woman under her with the tip of her finger that was brushing over her thigh, dangerously close to the source of her desperate, dripping longing. But Alex Vause was no beggar, even though she was a smackhead. That person was still inside of her and she was using Piper to destroy it. She needed her angel to exorcise herself. And right now, Piper was divine and holy enough to scare her demons away, although she was more of a sinner due to the way she was torturing her girlfriend. She was rocking her hips, softly yet hard enough to create friction that was sending shivers down Alex's spine.

The brunette was hypnotised for a second, she simply lost her head when Piper touched her clit. Her headlessness made her mutter, "Yeah, right there."

"Oh, I know babe," she heard the woman above her say who suddenly shoved her hand into her panty, removing the last obstacle between her and her desire. "I know."

Piper traced the lines of her inner lips with her fingertips and saw how Alex was yet again melting in her hands. No matter how ice-cold Alex was, she would always melt in her hands. And just like Icarus, she loved her sun so much, almost too much. Internally, she was still afraid of cratering. When would she eventually realise that Piper would catch her, no matter when or how hard she would crash. Uncertainty wanted to get the best of her. Especially when the former night suddenly came to the surface and dragged her down the ground of reality. But before she could remember the right things the wrong people had told her to put a bee in her bonnet, Piper lifted her up at the right time and leaned down to kiss her whilst she began to thrust a slim finger into her. Her angel would forever come to answer her call.

Nonetheless, it caught the raven-haired woman so off guard that the sudden fulfilment was like a trigger, making her back arch up. It arched like a cat, and Piper knew she was kissing silent moans away that Alex would be too ashamed to give sound. Like paws of a panther, Alex wrapped her hands around the blonde's neck and pulled her infinitely closer. Their fronts violently collided, and it threw Piper off for a moment. Due to the abrupt stop of her movements, Alex disconnected their mouths to give her a hungry glare. As Piper realised what had caused her to be so frustrated, she rose a brow and asked innocently, "What?"

"Piper," Alex just warned her, her voice octaves lower than usual.

But the blonde wasn't afraid of the predator beneath her as she easily could turn her into her prey. She could feel how Alex was slowly getting impatient, her nails digging into the skin of her neck. Nonetheless, Piper was gaining confidence every time she was on top. Therefore she held the other woman's stare, giving the brunette a cheeky grin. And Alex could see how her angel transformed into the devil once more. She couldn't care less. Envy was just another deadly sin.

"You're still jealous, aren't you?"

As if their faces had swapped, there was a smirk on Alex's face now whilst Piper's faded away. Both women knew that she was busted, so the raven-haired woman added, "Don't be ashamed of it baby girl. I'm enjoying it."

"I know you are," the model immediately spoke, and she thrusted so hard and deep into Alex that she hissed. Piper still had to tame her. "But you shouldn't."

Lust was another deadly sin, too.

Dangerously slowly, the blonde picked up her movements. Maybe she was being a bit too haughty, but Alex was the only one to blame for her pride. She had turned her own goddess into a sinner. And ever since, they have been drowning in their wicked love. They were already in hell anyway, the world was the bottomless pit. So, after all, how wrong could their obsessive ecstasy be.

Piper was unaware that she had slipped into the sick corners of her mind when the black-haired woman's throaty voice dragged her back. "Will you fuck me or not?"

Her tone was so desperate that it was close to sounding taunting. Therefore the model just eyed her intently, before she placed a second finger on her wet core and replied, "Yes, I will."

And then she let Alex wait, and when she knew that the brunette wanted to make another cocky remark, Piper pushed both fingers into her. She knew that she shouldn't push her luck, this was all the begging she could tease out of Alex. So she fucked her relentlessly, her hits fast and shameless. Whilst one of Alex's hands remained on her neck, the brunette shoved her second under her shirt to grip her tit. Without reluctance, the model immediately let out a loud moan and saw how Alex was sure that she was regaining control when she smirked at her. To the brunette's surprise, Piper just mirrored the expression on her face and knew why when she felt how the woman on top of her started to stroke her clit with her thumb. Alex had to admit that Piper was a good student. After all, she had learned from the best.

When the woman under her squeezed her breast harder, Piper knew that she was steadily beginning to fall apart. Although she would ruin her chance to hear her moan, she leaned down and connected their lips. Just like her thrusts, the kiss was adamant and vigorous. She still hasn't stopped trying to fuck the drugs out of her. She probably never would. So she picked up her pace, making them both intensify their touches as they were driving each other deeper into their mutual madness.

Even though Piper was far from slowing down her motions, the woman beneath her breathed against her lips, "Don't stop."

That was the moment Piper knew she had her. Alex eventually bowed down to her. However, the blonde decided that she would remind her of her final submission next time. Right now, she was too busy ripping her apart and also too far gone to stop herself. Though it was nearly impossible, her hand was moving quicker with every kiss the brunette was giving her. And despite all her expectations, Alex had to break the kiss when she came to release a raucous groan. The veins in her neck were standing out like muscles that her skin couldn't suppress.

As she was recovering from her sturdy orgasm, the woman above her rested her forehead against hers and removed her hand. The loss nearly evoked another moan from the brunette, but this time she kept silent and let her hand run over Piper's body when she pulled it back as well. Eventually, she managed to look up at her, finding bright blue eyes admiring her.

"That's only half of what you missed out on last night when you just left," Piper let her know and rolled off her, lying down on her side next to her.

Her ecstasy was still lingering on her, stopping her from making any kind of big movements. So she remained on her back and only managed to turn her head to the side to look at the model. "And what about the other half?"

"You'll have to earn it."

Alex was solely studying her flawless face before she wondered, "When have you become so overconfident?"

She watched the woman next to her turn to the nightstand and heard her nonchalantly say as she was looking at her phone, "If I had to guess, probably last night when you left before I really came."

"Don't be dramatic, I did make you come."

"Yeah, but it was okay," the model replied as her back was still turned to her.

Her response made Alex prop herself up on her elbow who was hoping that Piper was only joking. Nevertheless, she had to be sure. "Okay?"

"Mhm," Piper hummed, still busy checking her mobile.

"What do you mean okay?"

"I don't know, okay."

"As in?"

"Fine."

That word only made everything worse. Whilst she was still staring at the blonde back of her head, she said, "What?"

"Am I pricking your pride Al?"

The brunette could hear her cheeky grin in her tone. It didn't change the fact that she was hurting her ego, so she tried to cover it up and stated, "I just want to know what you mean."

Eventually, Piper faced her, giggling as she told her, "Baby, it's okay."

"Stop saying that word."

"Okay."

As Piper wouldn't stop teasing her, the jet-haired woman let herself drop onto her mattress, hearing another chuckle falling from the model's lips. "Don't be sulky."

"I'm not being sulky," Alex replied but failed to convince the other woman.

Although she couldn't deny that she enjoyed having Alex on, she finally admitted, "I'm just fucking with you."

Despite her relief, the brunette gave her a deadpan look and said, "You have a really fucked up sense of humour."

"Okay."

Alex just rolled her eyes and reached for her glasses to put them on whilst the woman by her side sat up on her knees. "I'm hungry."

"And?" the brunette asked coolly, averting the other woman's gaze.

"Come on Al don't be such an ass."

Emerald eyes landed on her, looking her up and down as Alex informed her, "A couple moments ago I knew what I wanted to eat."

Now Piper was giving her a deadpan look but Alex just shrugged her shoulders, about to tear her gaze when the model dreamily declared, "You know what I want? A burger."

"Are you pregnant?" Alex asked with a sarcastic tone, eyeing her curiously.

Her blue eyes focused back in and settled on the brunette as she ignored her comment and continued, "From Shake Shack."

"Shake Shack got you pregnant?" Alex asked, raising a brow and looking at her with a smirk that she couldn't disregard.

"Now who's got a fucked up sense of humour?" she threw in before she returned to her fantasy, "Tomato and melted cheese on a fresh soft potato roll."

"With a milkshake," Alex added, disrupting her illusion.

So she retorted while her azure gaze was starting to float away, "Nah, don't get greedy."

But Alex held it back with her green eyes and definite statement. "It's my fantasy. And I can have a milkshake with a side of Cate Blanchett."

"You're trying to make me jealous again?" the model asked, looking down at her with an unimpressed expression on her face.

"No dummy, I want her to massage my head," Alex informed her and let her fingers brush through air as she pointed out, "She looks like she has really cool fingers."

After a short moment of silence, she gazed at the blonde and eventually asked the question that was on their both minds. "You wanna go to Shake Shack?"

As Piper was still responsible for the decent part in their relationship, she reminded her of her strict training plan, "What about your diet?"

"Once doesn't count."

So they both got out of bed to pursue their common craving as Alex was still unaware of Piper's concern that has been filling her brain since yesterday. And although the happenings and words of the former night were still scratching at the back of Alex's head as well, indicating that it was only a matter of time until she would no longer be able to shove them back, she kept letting herself get high on Piper. Drugs have never failed to make her forget.

* * *

"I guess we're not the only ones who want a burger."

"What did you expect? It's Sunday, everyone is too lazy to cook on Sundays."

Piper's gaze left the restaurant that was representing another disadvantage of their social status, and settled on the woman who was sitting next to her. They were in the brunette's car, contemplating how to arouse as little attention as possible.

"We should've thought this through to the end."

"You want a burger now or what?"

Her cerulean eyes were firm and determined. "Yes."

"Then we'll go and get that burger," Alex told her, a small smile on her face when she looked at the model.

In an instant, Piper returned that smile but said nonetheless, "People have been talking about us."

"Fuck that," the raven-haired just replied, underplaying Piper's words.

"They're quite interested in our relationship."

"Fuck that."

"We would feed them with pictures."

However, Alex coolly repeated, "Fuck that."

As the model was eyeing her curiously, she stated, "My baby girl wants a burger, so she's gonna get her burger."

Before Piper could be smug about her sweet words, the jet-haired woman revealed her true colours. "Maybe that will be able to satisfy your needs."

Snickering, Piper asked, "Is your ego still suffering?"

She heard the woman next to her sigh as her ribbing was obviously exhausting the brunette. So she took one last look around them and, when she was sure that nobody was watching them, she leaned over the console to press her lips tenderly against Alex's cheek. Her warm hand was on her thigh as well when Alex clarified, "You don't need to kiss up to me now. It won't work."

"You're sure?" Piper whispered against black hair whilst her hand was moving closer to the zip of the other woman's dark jeans.

"Don't start a war you won't win Chapman."

And with that, Alex grabbed her hand and glanced at her, her thin brow arched up and her mouth forming a smirk. They were just staring at each other until Piper had to wet her own lips with her tongue, smashing Alex's cool composure to pieces. She closed the gap between them and eventually captured the blonde's lips in a gentle kiss.

Only the model's hunger was able to break them apart, making itself felt with a loud stomach grumble. Alex's thin brows were raised when Piper looked at her. "Sorry."

But the brunette just chuckled and said, "Wow."

As they were still sitting in Alex's car in the parking lot of the restaurant, Alex eventually replaced her glasses by sunglasses and pulled the hood of her jumper on top of her head. She swiftly gave Piper a smile before she turned around and reached for the door handle, only to be dragged back by a tender hand on her upper arm. "What are you doing?"

"Making sure that my baby girl won't starve to death."

Alex was looking at her, her shaded glasses curtaining the confused expression on her face. Nevertheless, Piper let her know why she was surprised when she asked, "You're going without me?"

Although the raven-haired woman's confusion decreased, her response was a question as well. "Isn't that what you want?"

"What do you mean?" Piper immediately said with eyes that couldn't be bluer.

"Not to be seen with me in public."

All the model could let out was a baffled "What?" before she tried to find her emerald eyes that were hiding behind a black wall. However, it was too dark for her, so she spoke up once more. "That's not what I want."

Due to the bareness of her cerulean eyes, Alex could see that Piper thought that she had hurt her. But Alex was used to it. Also, the blonde's professionalism has never been a secret. "No, it's okay. I mean, drive-through isn't an option as it's broken. If we go in separately people would put two and two together. And, us going in together is definitely not an option."

"Why not?" the model suddenly asked, catching her off guard.

She eyed her with intense green eyes before she told her, her raspy voice another pair of sunglasses that was covering her emotions, "People will see us. People will talk."

"Fuck them."

A small smile was growing on Piper's face as she was obviously proud to use Alex's words. That was just how great this addiction was. Alex was planting parts of herself in Piper and Piper was planting parts of herself in Alex. They have become an entity. Two incomplete halves creating one world. A paradise that wasn't whole without the other.

And Alex was aware of it. Therefore she said, "You're kidding, right?"

"No."

Following her words, there was another low grumble coming from her stomach. The brunette didn't hesitate to question her once more, "You're not just saying this cause you're hungry?"

Though Piper remained true to her response. "No."

In order to emphasise her answer, she leaned forward to grab her purse. She took out her sunglasses and placed them on the bridge of her nose as well. Her grin was cheeky and even a bit mischievous, displaying the angel and the devil she was and could be. Alex knew both of her sides too well. And although she could always see right through her, she had to admit, "I'll never figure you out, kid."

Piper's response was a warm smile, a smile that was like a brown shot right into her heart. The real world was nonexistent in their little zone, yet the world would never stop turning. Though the blonde was the sun in her orbit, there was no light without darkness. It was just too easy for Piper to make Alex forget. There were still unresolved issues between them, issues that were waiting outside their utopia. The more time they would spend there, the bigger those demons would be in the end. But Piper was dangerous. Dangerous enough to keep her high.

And just like her, Alex was a danger, too. Neither of the two have really returned to the real world ever since they had built their own. They weren't aware of the cameras that were already waiting for them, the photographers having pulled the trigger ever since they had caught the two women in the parking lot. They weren't aware of the countless rumours people have been spreading about them. They weren't aware of the world catching up to them. Ignorance was truly bliss.

When they left the car, the predators remained hidden in the dark, though. Thus Alex and Piper sank deeper into their illusion. However, the unusual silence in the loud city didn't go unnoticed by them. But they were too high to care. They entered the restaurant with no bother. Except Piper's hunger. "I could devour a complete horse."

"I don't think they sell horse burgers here, kid," Alex replied sarcastically, her sunglasses failing to cover her smug facial expression.

So Piper gave her a deadpan look, evoking a raspy chuckle from the raven-haired woman that was even lower than usual as she tried to keep her voice down. As Alex had already mentioned, lazy people were nearly overcrowding the restaurant. Still incognito, they walked to the end of the queue, contemplating what they were going to order. Piper was studying the menu intently when Alex told her, "See, no horse burgers."

"Thanks for telling me, smartass," the model nonchalantly replied, her blue gaze fixed on the board.

Whilst they were waiting, they noticed that some people were shooting curious glances in their direction. Internally, they wondered if someone had already recognised them. To raise as little attention as possible, they kept silent, standing in the queue like lifeless fossils. Yet, it didn't stop Alex to keep a firm distance between herself and her girlfriend. That was why her cheek was touching Piper's as she was standing behind the blonde and leaned down to hear her say, "People are staring at us."

"No, they're staring at you," Alex told her and added when the other woman turned to her with a confused look on her face, "What? You're breathtaking."

Again, Piper gave her a deadpan look although Alex hadn't meant to be sarcastic. Maybe the model couldn't make out that she was serious due to the sunglasses that were disguising her emotions. Nonetheless, she could see that the taller woman was holding her gaze. Therefore she said sheepishly, "Shut up."

Their shaded eyes fixed on each other, they were about to slip into their private zone when an employe spoke up and dragged them back. "Hey, can I get your order?"

Turning to him, his eyes lingered on them for a moment. So Alex told him, "A burger."

"Two actually," the model stated. "With a load of cheese."

"Cheese is key."

"Okay, so two double Shack burgers. Anything else?"

"And a chocolate Shake."

The young man understandingly nodded his head as he wrote down their order and disappeared. As they were left alone, Piper looked at the brunette behind her and asked, "You think he recognised us?"

"You're just being paranoid, kid," Alex answered, and the wall that was separating them from their issues started to crumble eventually.

That was why they were staring at each other silently, the events they had been blocking out crippling their mouths. Unlike their minds that were overloading them.

Tyler fucked her. Piper believed that Alex wouldn't be faithful. They were birds. Their wings were carrying them from one place to the next. Alex sabotaged a MMA fight. She was Jesse's slut. Heroin was on her mind but unfortunately, not in her veins.

The world set in.

"Your order, Miss," the young man suddenly said, waiting for them to pay.

Piper grabbed the bag whilst the brunette put the money on the table. Stepping out of the restaurant, they walked right into a small swarm of sharks. Their sunglasses prevented the camera lights from blinding them. With fast steps, they approached the car, hearing the photographers shouting their names.

When they reached the car and got in, they didn't realise that the world has followed them.

* * *

"I think we should talk."

"How come?"

"Don't be like that, Al."

"Like what?"

"Like a cold, distant asshole."

"I am a cold, distant asshole. And apparently a cheater, too."

Blue eyes turned to ice. Alex could see that she hurt her. Every time she would, Piper would freeze.

"I never called you a cheater."

"Just cut to the chase and admit that you don't trust me," the jet-haired woman said to her, staring at her burger, making her realise that she lost her appetite.

"I don't trust her."

Hearing her words, Alex knew that telling Piper about the events of the previous night would be fatal. It would just be another confirmation for the model. Also, she refused to burden her girlfriend with her problems, unaware of Piper possibly being able to help her. Maybe the drugs have never truly been the root of all of their problems. Maybe they actually didn't really make a difference.

Maybe it was solely Piper's ego that made them a problem.

 _(Bullshit)_

 _Is it?_

Because, despite her withdrawal, they were fighting. What else did she need to do to make Piper see her love for her.

"Al, what are you hiding from me?"

The brunette wondered when she had blown her cover. However, it wouldn't be the right thing to add one more problem to their endless list. So she coolly stated, "Nothing. It doesn't matter."

Tyler fucked her. She fucked Tyler.

And Jesse metaphorically fucked Alex.

Of course Piper wouldn't just give up, her eyes getting more intense as she was staring at the black-haired woman that was sitting across from her at the dinner table. She also noticed that Alex wasn't eating her meal. Alex was looking in soft cerulean stones when she heard her say, "What is it? If something's up you can tell me."

But Alex's walls were up, she was unapproachable. Piper hated it when Alex pushed her away. As if she was an intruder, as if she was her enemy. Sometimes, she treated Piper's love like a disease. Alex was sick. But Piper was her cure, not poison.

Based on the far-away look in her emeralds, the model knew that she was slipping away. So she reached over the table and grabbed her hand, hoping that she would pull her back. "I don't want to hurt you."

Alex's response overwhelmed her. "Neither do I."

This night, she wouldn't get an explanation, though, as the brunette's pale body reminded her what it was missing. In an instant, she let go of Piper's hand and stormed to the bathroom to empty the void inside her. How much she hated vomiting.

As she was leaning over the toilet, Piper was by her side, collecting her dark hair.

"Fuck, I hate this," was all Alex managed to say, her sore throat making it hard for her to speak.

After a short while, the nausea disappeared as fast as it had appeared. Alex stood up and was about to walk to the sink when she saw that a glass of water wasn't the only thing the blonde was offering her.

"What is that?" she asked, staring at the white bullet in her hand.

"Methadone."

The look on her ivory face immediately shifted, she was absolutely baffled. She was familiar with methadone. Yet, it surprised her that Piper was willing to take such measures.

So the model explained herself. "I've done a load of research. I don't know what you're going through right now but I do know that it's close to murder. I don't want you to go cold turkey, Al."

Piper came closer to her before she continued, "Some people use methadone to make it easier. It's just another drug as well but, it doesn't get you high. It just eases the pain. Please, let me help you."

"You're sure about this?" the jet-haired woman questioned, her gaze wavering to the pill for a second.

"Trust me."

And that was what Alex eventually did. After all, Piper was the one who knew how to make the right choices. She knew which decisions were the best. She always did the right thing. So she opened her hand, letting Piper place the medicine in her palm before she swallowed it and cooled her throat with a cold glass of water. Whilst the antidotes were washing over the fire in her veins, she was staring at the blonde. She was breathtaking. She was unreal.

In all this ecstatic madness, she could make time stand still.

 _I got a test for you  
You say you want my heart  
Well baby, you can have it all  
There's just something that I need from you_

 _Open your hand, take a glass  
_ _Don't be scared, I'm right here  
_ _Even though, you don't roll  
_ _Trust me girl, you wanna be high for this_


	26. love

_Chapter 26: love_

The methadone did help. For a little while, at least. Although the pills tasted more disgusting than rotten eggs, shit and vomit combined, Alex didn't need to spend as much time in the bathroom than before. Physically, she was doing better as her body accepted this pseudo-heroin. Mentally, though, she was a wreck. If she didn't love Piper so much, she would have acknowledged her psychological state.

(You would never get fully clean when you did it for the one you loved)

The demons inside her head have never been happier.

Yet, Alex basically swapped her wonderful heroin for some hideous pills. She wasn't high, but she was still using. Piper asked her to do that, though. It had been her decision, not Alex's. What if Piper was still driven by jealousy. What if Piper only had waited to steal her beautiful hazel. Her lovely H. The love of her life.

(Piper was the love of her life)

Her brain was a mess. It was a dangerous place that she shouldn't enter. Memories and thoughts were lying on the ground like mines. Needles, baggies, lines. Alex couldn't tell if it was the methadone or her own strength of will that instantly shut down these images. After all, it's only been slightly more than a week since her last hit. The longest she has ever been sober. It was pretty much the worst week of her life.

 _"Could you be expected to behave as a thinking human being when your hand was being impaled on red-hot darning needles? Could you be expected to live in the love of your nearest and dearest when the brown, furious cloud rose out of the hole in the fabric of things (the fabric you thought was so innocent) and arrowed straight at you?"_

Reading The Shining clearly wasn't the best choice she had made today. Making Piper falling in love with her was still the best worst choice she had ever made, though. (Given that it had been a choice she had been able to make.)

Whilst her emerald eyes were staring at the pages, her mind drawing a picture of every passage she was reading, it nearly frightened her how lightly she could slip into the protagonist's mind, who would turn into the antagonist rather rapidly. Jack Torrance was struggling, just like her. But it would be absurd if she thought she would break bad just like he would, wouldn't it?

 _"And the next thing was Miss Strong, the French teacher, holding Jack's arms, crying, screaming: Stop it, Jack! Stop it! You're going to kill him!"_

 _How convenient that the teacher's name was Miss Strong,_ the brunette realised loudly, strengthening her sarcastic thought with a smug grin. She also noticed that noise she has been hearing all day. It was coming from the other side of the walls of her apartment, but she refused to bother about it as she blamed her dopey mind for it. It sounded like a soft cry that was calling for help. As if her brain had put Alex herself on the other side who was too proud to admit it.

So she kept reading, ignoring the deceptive sounds and the fact that she was missing her girlfriend. The model was shooting a commercial, and Alex felt stupid for being so dependent on her. It was painfully obvious that Alex was going to need Piper when the MMA tournament was going to start next week. Her girlfriend was pretty much the glue that was holding her together.

Alex couldn't believe how bored she was. Her head was no longer fully able to focus on the words in front of her. Instead, it asked its owner to get high. Just because. Just because life was boring without drugs, just because the world was ugly without drugs. The raven-haired had to admit how stupid it had to be. Even when you were high, you wanted to get high. The drugs would create a desert inside you that you could never water. It dawned on her that she didn't know how to live without them. Or without her. All this time she had built a new world with her lovely drugs, and now they were gone. And although Alex was the one who quit them, she felt abandoned nonetheless. She was a bit lost in her life.

Closing the book, she had a look at the window and saw how big raindrops flooded the city. As she had already been at the gym, the brunette was wondering how she could kill her boredom. At first, she considered calling her mum but, checking the time, she didn't want to wake Diane up. Nicky would be too busy being Red's gofer. They still had to take care of some arrangements before the tournament. Therefore she kept going through her contact list until her mobile vibrated, letting her know that she received a new message. When she read the name of the addressor, she didn't hesitate to open it.

 _Piper: Hey baby, you're doing fine without me? I fear you'll have to stick it out a bit longer. I'll be running late tonight_

It was nearly too obvious how Alex's cocky words were meant to cover up her emotions.

 _Alex: As long as you'll be coming tonight I'll be fine ;)_

The raven-haired woman didn't need to wait for a response as the other woman immediately answered.

 _Piper: Wow_

 _Piper: really Al?_

Although Alex couldn't see her, she could perfectly picture the little grin that was adorning the model's face.

 _Alex: Stop texting and go back to work kid. No wonder you'll be running late …_

 _Piper: You're missing me a bit toooo much?_

(Yes)

 _Alex: No_

 _Alex: I'm just making sure that you're being a decent human being_

 _Piper: Thanks mom_

She was scrunching her nose when she read the model's answer and began to type.

 _Alex: Gross!_

 _Piper: I love you too Sasquatch_

 _Alex: … i knew that Nicky would be bad company_

 _Piper: What? Is she not decent enough for you?_

Rolling her green eyes, she thought that Piper was having a bit too much fun mocking her.

 _Alex: Absolutely not, but i actually thought you wouldn't stoop to her level so easily_

 _Piper: i'm sorry baby, can you forgive me?_

 _Alex: You'll find out tonight ;)_

 _Piper: stop using that pervert smiley Al_

 _Alex: I love you too ;)_

It still blew away her mind how easy it was for her to say or write these three words. She used to loathe love and now she could feel how her stomach jump up and down every time Piper crossed her mind. It was as disgusting as it was beautiful. Although she didn't expect an answer and returned to the contact list, her girlfriend's name popped up one more time.

 _Piper: I know you do :) and i love you more_

Right now, she couldn't believe that she once had been able to choose heroin over Piper. Piper was just perfect. Sure, it was vague to call someone perfect and, perhaps perfection didn't even exist. Nonetheless, there was nothing she would change about her. And if Piper did have one single flaw, Alex knew it was she herself. Because Piper loved her, no matter what. She had gotten high and had let her down multiple times, and yet, Piper loved her. She had hurt her and pushed her away, and yet, Piper loved her. Sometimes, Alex wondered if leaving her would be the best or worst thing that the brunette could do to her. If she did, would she save Piper or ruin her. Would Piper finally get the best that she clearly deserved or forever disappear into a loveless nirvana. Because, unlike her, Alex was perfectly imperfect. But, just like her, she loved Piper, perhaps a bit too much. Still, it was more than enough to someday be able to do her right. Someday, Alex hoped, she would be able to love her right. She would pay any price.

The methadone was already numbing her drug love but

 _(even when you were high, you wanted to get high)_

the scratching at the door didn't stop. The dose she had taken today was more than enough, she didn't need one more pill.

 _(Only one more pill)_

That was how addiction started. You took more than you needed, and lost more than you had. It almost made Alex chuckle how ridiculous it would be if she moved on to methadone instead of getting clean. But the pills were too disgusting to fall in love with. Yet, it made her wonder if there was an actual cure for addiction. What if

"Okay, that's it."

She was tired of avoiding the elephant in the room. _The Shining_ dropped to the ground when she stood up, and her steps were quick when she approached the thing she had been ignoring all this time. Her hand was unusually calm when she opened it. She found nothing, though. Alex's brain fooled her once again. Shame on her. The hallway of the building was empty, proving the brunette that she wasn't in control. What if

A soft sound saved her. Movements made the lights turn on, making the darkness disappear and a small creature emerged. Its black fur had been invisible in the dark. Bright amber eyes were twinkling when it ran up to Alex who couldn't believe that a cat rescued her from embracing her madness once more. The black stranger didn't hesitate to huddle against her long legs, its purr echoing through the whole edifice whilst Alex was standing still, wondering what she was supposed to do. She didn't dislike animals, she just never really cared for them. Yet, she couldn't just slam the door and leave this little cat to its own devices. But before she had the chance to act, the dark midget moved away from her legs and walked into her apartment.

"Hey buddy, wait," Alex began, the fact that she was talking to a cat cutting her off, before she muttered under her breath, "I'm officially going bananas."

As if it wanted to agree with her, the cat miaowed, and there was a frown on Alex's face when she glanced at it. But the cat couldn't care less and began to explore the furniture, jumping onto cupboards and tables. Alex closed the door behind her and nearly ran up to it to stop it from ruining her apartment. Not knowing how to grab a cat, Alex hesitantly put her hands around its fragile body and evoked another miaow from it. Nonetheless, Alex could easily lift it and was about to place it on the ground when its paws grasped her, making the black-haired woman look at it.

"What?" she asked, raising an eyebrow but golden stones just flashed at her.

Having her arms around the cat, she could feel how intense its purring was. Its black tail started to bounce, lightly hitting Alex's strong arms whilst its claws sunk so deep into the fabric of her hoodie that they were touching her skin. At some point, it closed its eyes without ceasing its loud purr and Alex was so overwhelmed that she was just standing in the middle of her apartment, in her arms a drowsy cat whose fur matched her hair colour.

Her emerald eyes were staring at its small head in awe as she mumbled absentmindedly, "What am I supposed to do with you?"

So she just returned to her leather couch and sat down, the small blackness fast asleep on top of her torso. Whilst she was searching for an answer to her own question, she let her fingers run through its soft coat and its body was vibrating like an old engine. It didn't take her long to fall asleep, too.

* * *

She didn't realise that she had been sleeping until the sound of rustling keys made her head jump up from the backrest of her sofa. Memories of the day were gone when her dozy eyes landed on her girlfriend who was standing with her back to her, taking her high heels off. Though Piper hadn't really moved in with her, Alex had given her a key to her place. That was how bad she needed her around.

When she heard how the blonde let out a sigh, she picked up the book from the floor and asked, "Rough day?"

"Long day," Piper retorted and approached her eventually.

Tender arms slung around Alex's neck as Piper rested her head on top of hers. "Give me a kiss."

With a smirk on her face, she stated, "I'm reading."

"You're sure?" the model replied, dropping one of her hands to touch the taller woman's chest.

"That's pretty indecent kid, don't you think?"

"I can be even more indecent."

In order to underline her words, Piper gave her breast a squeeze whilst her other hand disappeared into the jet-haired woman's pants. Alex's muscles were tensed up immediately, fighting to suppress the arousal that was taking over her body. She drew in a sharp breath when she felt how Piper placed the tip of her finger on her clit. So she shook her head before she eventually tilted it back to welcome the model's awaiting lips. The kiss was made of everything both women needed to banish their demons, even if it only was for a little while. When they broke apart, her emerald eyes were still fixed on the blonde who noticed the book and said, "The Shining, huh?"

Only then Alex's memory returned and she could nearly feel how the realisation hit her.

"Where's the pussy?" she mumbled, looking at her lap that was no longer occupied by a small cat.

"Did you just say _where's the pussy_?"

Her jade-green eyes were busy wandering through her apartment as she missed Piper's confused tone in her voice and coolly replied, "Yeah, it's gone."

"What!?" the blonde asked, a soft chuckle falling from her lips despite her puzzlement.

But Alex just kept searching and got up from the couch eventually. She was driven by the desire to prove to herself that her mind wasn't in control of her. Even though it was only a cat, it possessed Alex's sanity. And if it was gone, how would Alex be able to tell what was real and what was false. Whom could she trust if she couldn't even trust herself.

As she was getting caught up in the mess of her brain, Piper was studying her intently and spoke up once more. "Al, are you okay?"

Her head was such a dark place that she nearly forgot about her. She turned around to look at the model, her thin brows slightly knitted together to show that she was being serious. "I found a cat."

For a moment, Piper just stared at her and Alex could see how her girlfriend tried to make sense of her statement.

"You found a cat?" she eventually questioned and rose her dark eyebrows. "Where did you find a cat?"

"It was running through the hallway and scratching at my door, and then I opened it and-"

The fact that Alex herself had to be more sceptical about her own story than her girlfriend cut her off suddenly. She was out of control. Again. But when she eventually looked into those cerulean orbits, she let go of her madness for a moment and said with a smirk, "You're late."

Utter confusion pulled Piper's eyebrows together. "What? Al, are you okay?"

"Sure, and you?"

"I'm kinda worried about you."

But Piper didn't have the chance to dwell on her emotions as the raven-haired woman put a cool hand on her nape to pull her closer, silencing Piper's mind with a tender kiss. At first, Piper was stiff, Alex's odd behaviour holding her back. Only when she could feel how the brunette's nails dug into her skin, she finally let go, too. Sometimes, Alex was nothing but magic, her touch enough to change rain into sunshine. So Piper almost eagerly returned the kiss and cupped Alex's cheeks with both of her hands. Their fronts collided, and when Alex began to push Piper towards her bedroom, the model reluctantly disconnected their mouths and took a small step back to create a distance between them. Her hands remained on Alex's cheeks, though.

"I really need to shower first."

However, Alex couldn't care less and bluntly replied, "No you don't," before she reclaimed her lips again.

Hasty steps brought them closer to the bedroom whilst Alex's hands and kisses were so compelling that Piper was unable to escape. Alex was always in too much control. It didn't even matter if the raven-haired woman was around or not, Piper would always drop to her knees for her. Therefore it was really hard for her to speak up once more. Her name came out in a sharp breath.

"Alex."

This obsessive appetite for control that was edging Alex on refused to listen, though. They were already stumbling into the bedroom when the taller woman told her with her husky voice, "Hush."

With her hand on Piper's chest and her mouth against the flawless skin of her neck, she added, "I missed you."

And Piper wondered if she just used sweet nothings to manipulate her.

"I missed you, too," the blonde began, letting herself be pushed onto the bed.

Only when Alex was on top of her and was about to undress her, a moan falling from her red lips that she couldn't suppress, her words were rushed, yet definite when she managed to catch a steady breath. "Wait, wait, wait."

Alex was staring down at her, and her jade-green eyes seemed to be deeper than the ocean. And Piper wondered if she ever reached the bottom of this emerald sea that would reveal all her secrets and layers. Maybe she had to drown first.

So she held her intense gaze as she pleaded softly, "Talk to me."

But Alex still disliked emotions, they were tools for her. "We can talk later."

It caught the blonde off guard when Alex smiled at her. Although everyone else would confuse it with her typical arrogant smirk, Piper could tell that it was a pure smile. Because it was meant for her only. However, that moment faded away quickly once the glint disappeared from Alex's eyes and her hunger took her over again. Her green orbits hadn't given away what she was craving for, though. She might be touching her girlfriend, but what if she imagined to be holding a bag of blow in her hand. Piper needed an answer.

"What's going on with you?"

However, Alex just sighed and rolled off Piper, lying down on her back next to the blonde. Her green eyes kept staring at the ceiling when she heard her say, "You're being weird."

"I am weird," Alex coolly stated.

The mattress beneath them moved as Piper propped herself up on her elbow to get a proper look at her. Dreamily, she studied her porcelain face and explained, "You're not being your usual weird."

In response, the brunette only gave her a look before she sat up, turning her back to the other woman, her feet touching the cold parquet flooring. She didn't want to look at her, knowing that her following words were going to affect her.

"Did you fuck him?"

The tone in her soft voice was full of disorientation. "What?"

To look at her, the model moved to her side and, when she was sitting next to her, questioned, "Alex, what are you talking about?"

"Tyler. Did you fuck him?" Alex said, still avoiding her gaze.

"Tyler? Why are you asking me this?"

As her question remained unanswered, she eventually fixed her cold eyes on Piper, her low voice distant. "Did you, or not?"

"No."

Piper's response was so quick that Alex couldn't even blink her eyes. The expression on her face instantly shifted, disbelief replacing deadness. And when Piper noticed it, she spoke up once more. "You know that it was all just a PR stunt-"

"I'm not asking you if you loved him, I'm asking if you slept with him," the brunette stated impatiently.

"If you stopped being a dick, you would have heard that my answer is no, Alex."

Then Piper only glared at her, before she placed her feet on the ground to get up. However, Alex stopped her from walking away as she grabbed her wrist to hold her back. "Wait, I'm sorry."

When the blonde turned around and Alex caught the discomfort in her azure eyes, she let her wand run down her arm to intertwine their hands, pulling her closer. "Forgive me?"

After a silent while, Piper responded sheepishly, "I forgive you."

They only exchanged longing glances until Alex rolled her eyes and jerked the younger woman onto her lap. Whilst Alex was studying her girlfriend's face, searching for any sign of discontent, she let her blue orbits run over Alex's tattooed arm. Her slim fingers followed her gaze, stroking Alex's arm. The route of her glance didn't shift when she asked, "Who said that?"

"He did," the raven-haired woman replied in an instant, still staring at her.

She raised an eyebrow when she heard the model scoff. "Of course _he_ did."

"What do you mean?"

Eventually, Piper looked at her, as she explained with a soft grin, "He's a guy."

In response, Alex chuckled lightly and shook her head, her eyes leaving Piper. So the blonde raised her hand and placed it on her chiseled chin to make her look at her again. "You know that you can talk to me, right? About anything?"

Alex nodded her head, looking deeply into her ocean-blue eyes, and the world around them faded away. And then Piper leaned down slightly, her gentle lips meeting Alex's. The endless walls of their little zone rose, blocking out anything that wanted to drag them apart. Piper's thumb was on the black-haired woman's mouth when she pulled away. When Alex looked up expectantly at her, Piper bit onto her own bottom lip to stop herself from smiling. Without saying a word, she stood up and felt how the brunette tightened her grip on her arse. So she offered her hand and mumbled, "Come."

Due to the fact that Alex would follow her anywhere, she didn't hesitate to grab it, letting herself get pulled up and led into the bathroom.

And time stood still.

* * *

"So, where's the pussy, Al?"

"Are you mocking me, kid?"

"No."

The teasing tone in Piper's voice gave her away, though. They were sitting in the bathtub, Alex sitting behind the model whose back was plastered against her front. Although it was the middle of the night and both women were looking forward to going to bed, some nights were supposed to be never-ending. Alex kissed her shoulder whilst her well-toned arms were wrapped around her slim silhouette, holding on tightly to the only thing that was holding everything in place. And when Piper turned her head to look at her, welcoming her with a warm smile, just like time, Alex froze, too.

Unaware of her staring, it was Piper who pulled her out of her trance.

"What?" she asked softly in a whisper.

"Nothing," Alex told her, clearing her throat before she added, "you're just pretty cool."

The blonde tried to sound as serious as she could. "I know."

Raising an eyebrow, she eventually took her green gaze off her and leaned into the marble rest. Her head was tilted back, and this time it was Piper who was admiring. Blue eyes were nearly overdosing on their reflection.

"You're pretty all right."

"You're staring a bit too much if I'm just all right, don't you think?"

"I'm not staring."

"Oh no?"

"No."

"Kid, you were almost drooling. That's how bad you were staring."

"Keep on dreaming."

"I hope I will never wake up."

Alex's honest response surrounded them with silence. At some point, Piper turned around without breaking eye contact. She was on her knees in front of the brunette, looking at her as if Alex was a new religion that only she believed in.

Eventually, she broke the silence. "We'll get through this."

When Alex just nodded, she rested a hand on her cheek and spoke up once more. "To be honest, I have no idea what you're going through right now but, I am here. I'll do anything for you."

There was a grin on the brunette's face, and her eyes flickered to Piper's lips before she looked at her and said, "You are my dream, you know?"

No words existed that could express what Piper was feeling. So she just leaned forward and kissed her, deep and firm. And her hand roamed over her toned torso until they were between her thighs, her fingers stroking her sensitive nerves. With every touch, she planted more and more colour in Alex's grey world. With every thrust, she removed more and more darkness from Alex's nocturnal life.

* * *

 _"Come on baby girl, just one shot."_

 _"Stop."_

 _"Please, I'll do anything. I will do everything."_

 _She just stared, right into empty jade-green eyes. There was nothing left in them._

 _"Please baby girl, if you love me, you'll let me. It'll be the last time, I promise."_

 _Nothing._

 _"Piper, I'm dying. Please, I'm begging you. I love you. Please… please let me… just one last shot."_

 _"You already said that last time would be the last time."_

 _"I'm being serious this time. Trust me. I promise."_

 _A white bag had her on her knees like religion. There was nothing she loved more. Nobody, she loved more._

 _"Please."_

 _Her arm felt didn't feel lighter when she let go, passing the deathly cold snow. It had dragged her down like giant stones. When Alex shot up, she inserted an anchor. She would never reach the surface again._

 _Neither would Piper._

* * *

 _"Come on baby girl, just one shot."_

She didn't move.

"Come on baby girl, wake up."

Something was touching her. She could breathe again.

"Piper, hey."

The blonde was shaking heavily when her lungs could open up again. Though her blue eyes were looking up at the ceiling, she was blind for a moment. All she could take in was Alex's clear voice.

"Hey."

Turning her head to the side, she found the dark-haired woman lying by her side, looking at her with eyes so pure that could Piper almost feel like a goddess. Almost. After all, she wasn't heroin.

"Bad dream?"

Piper didn't answer, the nightmare was still paralysing her. At first, Alex didn't seem to notice and was about to get out of bed. "Do you want a glass of water?"

Only when Alex looked at her over her shoulder and her emerald eyes stopped wandering frantically through the room and settled on Piper's stunned face, the brunette managed to focus upon her.

"What's wrong?" she asked, her husky voice sounding concerned.

"Do you still have some here?"

"What do you mean?"

"Drugs."

She saw how Alex swallowed hard, and how her eyes got nervous again. Although she wouldn't lie, she couldn't look at her. "Yes."

"We need to get rid of them. They have to disappear, for good."

Secretly, Alex knew the most perfect way to comply with her girlfriend's wishes. Her veins were the perfect dustbins. They had enough room for

" _Alex_."

"Yes, you're right," she immediately agreed, her words rushed. "I'll throw them away."

Alex gave her a small smile before she turned around again. However, Piper won her gaze once more when she placed her hand one Alex's that was on the mattress.

"Thanks," she replied quietly, but Alex could hear it nonetheless.

"Anything for you," Alex told her, and left the room.

(She wasn't heroin, though)

"You forgot your glasses," the blonde yelled after her when her blue eyes landed on the nightstand next to the bed.

Checking the time, she decided that she could stay a bit longer in bed and tried to dispel the worries her nightmare had triggered. With her eyes closed, she turned her head towards the brunette's side of the bed, only to find something something furry that was pressing against her nose. When she opened her eyes, big ambers were staring back at her.

Alex was standing in the doorway when she asked, "What'd you say?"

"I found the pussy."

Whilst Piper was staring at the black creature next to her, the brunette approached them, placing the glass of water on the nightstand before she sat down on the edge of the bed next to her girlfriend. Both women were looking at the cat with eyes that couldn't believe what they were seeing.

Suddenly, Alex said, "And you didn't want to believe me."

"What? Of course I believed you," the model responded, seeing a smirk on Alex's face.

"Sure thing, kid."

Leaning over the blonde, Alex reached out with her arm and ran her hand through its dark fur. The cat closed its eyes, loud purring echoing through the bedroom. Piper only watched her as she heard her ask, "So, what now?"

"You have to feed her… or him."

"Her."

"Are you a licensed veterinarian now, Al?" Piper said, looking up at the black-haired woman with a cheeky grin.

"It's a pussy, duh."

"Please stop."

"Make me."

Alex was still petting the cat when Piper propped herself up on her elbows and stated, "Al, I'm not going to live with you and a cat whose name is Pussy."

"Live with me?"

It's been a while ever since the last time Piper had actually spent the night at her own apartment. Yet, neither of the two had brought up this topic, nor had felt the need to discuss it. Until now.

As Alex was staring at her, green eyes compounded with illegible emotions, Piper sheepishly turned her head away, muttering, "You know what I mean."

All this time, Piper has been thinking that there were no more borders for them or between them. But now she wasn't so sure anymore. She wasn't opposed to moving in with Alex, she wasn't opposed to living her whole life with Alex. Yet, what if Alex was. What if Alex still needed time. Piper didn't mind waiting. Alex didn't want her to wait, though.

"Yeah, you wouldn't fit in here anyway," she remarked, lifting an eyebrow when the blonde looked up at her. "This place is just way too small for you, even though I've got five bedrooms and four bathrooms. Your wardrobe already takes up half of this building."

"Who said that I would move in with you in the first place?" Piper just asked, and Alex could feel herself falling even more in love with her. She wasn't like anyone else.

Giving her self-confident girlfriend a smirk, Alex let go of the cat to hide her hand under the sheets, not so accidentally touching Piper's clit. When she saw how the other woman's blue eyes started to flare, she knew that her words were unnecessary but she vocalised them nonetheless. "It's pretty obvious."

Piper's response was a light giggle that echoed through the bedroom, putting the sun that was fighting heavy clouds in the real world to shame. With crystal-blue eyes, she looked up at the woman above her and said, "How come?"

"I am irresistible," Alex stated, her voice low and raspy, her hand close and dangerous.

Neither didn't even have the chance to draw in a breath before the brunette leaned down to press her lips against Piper's neck whilst she was burying her hand between the model's thighs.

"Alex," Piper breathed out, but it didn't sound desperate enough. Her tone was rather serious.

Nevertheless, Alex refused to slow down and climbed on top of her instead, pushing the cat off the bed during the progress. She was about to kiss her when the light-haired woman questioned, "Do you really want me to move in with you?"

Alex was staring at the wall above the wooden bedrest for a moment as she answered, "Hm, now that I'm thinking about it-"

"Asshole," Piper interrupted her and shoved her arm away, making Alex chuckle.

Her husky laughter didn't fade away when she admitted, "Fine, it'd be nice to have someone here who cooks for me, does the laundry, keeps this place clean-"

"Very funny," the blonde retorted, trying to free herself from the other woman.

However, Alex wrapped her arms around her torso when she turned away, continuing, "And someone who loves me and cares for me-"

"Wrong address, buddy."

Although she was looking at Piper's back, she didn't suppress a cocky grin. "I'm pretty sure you're right for me, though."

But Piper just nonchalantly told her, "You gotta check your instincts again, pal."

As Alex noticed Piper's unusual nickname for her again, she didn't hesitate to ask, "It's a bit too late to friendzone me, don't you think?"

"No friend, I don't think so."

"Okay," the black-haired woman defeatedly said, a mischievous smile still on her face.

Her sturdy arms remained around her girlfriend who was sitting on the edge of the bedside, her feet touching the ground. Only when silence settled around them, Alex let go of her, exhaling "Fine," before she rolled onto her side of the bed, lying down on her back.

As Piper kept silent and didn't move, the brunette let out a sigh and put her cards on the table.

"Will you move in with me?"

"Hm, now that I'm thinking about it-"

"Yeah, yeah," Alex cut her off, reluctantly tearing her green gaze off her back.

"Yes."

After a long, quiet moment, the realisation hit Alex.

"What?"

"Yes, dude," Piper repeated, and finally turned around to look at her.

The brunette just rolled her eyes before she propped herself up on her elbow, waiting for Piper to give her a kiss. So the model moved up to her and tilted her head to meet her full lips. Their kisses were ardent and hard, and Alex eagerly climbed on top of her again, plastering the model's slim body with her own. Sharp breaths fell from Piper's mouth when Alex traced her wet tongue over her neck, only to substitute it with her teeth after a while. Alex's black hair was hiding her face when Piper's phone began to ring. Nonetheless, Piper caught her groan and was about to reach for the vibrating mobile when the other woman rose her arm, placing it on Piper's to stop her.

"What do you think you're doing, kid?" she asked as she was adorning Piper's neck with love bites.

"Answering that call," Piper managed to say although her lungs were running out of oxygen.

"No, I don't think so," Alex whispered into her ear, her long fingers brushing over her ribs.

The weight of Alex's arm and the strength of her hot kisses made Piper drop her arm, and at some point, they realised they no longer needed to ignore her phone as the person on the other side of the line had given up. Snickering, the blonde grabbed Alex's face and intertwined their mouths, sharing oxygen whilst their souls were conflating into one. However, they were disturbed again when Alex's phone began to buzz. This time, it was Piper who groaned.

"Could you make that sound again?" the brunette immediately asked, disconnecting their lips.

But Piper just used her hands to pull her back and stated, "No time for talking," before she leaned in and kissed her deeply, almost fiercely. Unlike them, the phone didn't lapse into silence, though. So Alex broke away, grabbing her phone without checking the caller ID and rejected the call. In an instant, her lips were on Piper's again and the two women let themselves sink into their mutual utopia again. With her hand beneath the fabric of the model's shirt, she grabbed her breasts and massaged it as she was rocking her hips against Piper's. They were so high on each other, taking each other for a drug, taking each other like a drug. But before they could taste each other, Alex's phone rang again.

"For fuck's sake," the brunette cussed when she pulled away, sitting up in Piper's lap as she answered the call.

She was so quick that the woman under her didn't even have the chance to hold her back.

"Yes?" Alex said, her voice so low and intimidating that Piper forgot how to breathe for a second.

So she just watched Alex nodding her head whilst she was wondering who the raven-haired woman was talking to.

Suddenly, Alex handed her the phone before she told her, "For you, it's Nicky."

With knitted brows, she looked up at the woman on top of her but received no further information. She pressed the mobile against her ear, greeting Nicky, the tone in her voice filled with wonder. The tables have turned and it was Alex who was gazing at her girlfriend, her mind busy figuring out what kind of conversation they were having. Silence took over the bedroom, and not even the longing glances the two women exchanged could break it. Alex could see how the expression on Piper's face shifted, making her emotions invisible. Meanwhile, the cat had returned and was staring at Alex with big ambers. The intensity of its eyes pierced the brunette, so she planted one last kiss against Piper's collarbone and got up, the black cat following its new caretaker into the kitchen.

While Piper was still in the bedroom, Alex was brewing some coffee and could feel how the cat's tail was bumping lightly against her long legs.

Turning on the coffee machine, she looked down and asked, "I assume you don't like coffee?"

The look the cat gave her only confirmed one of Alex's well-known truths. She had gone insane. And although the cat was studying her without making a sound, Alex shrugged her shoulders and muttered, "No answer is an answer."

Her emerald eyes were holding the cat's stare, and for a second, Alex thought it was mirroring the cocky look on her face. That moment was quickly ripped apart when Piper stormed out of the bedroom, already dressed and about to leave.

"But you like coffee, right Pipes?" the black-haired woman sarcastically said, unaware of the ocean between them that was drifting them apart.

Alex wanted to speak up again when the model let her know, "Sorry. I have to go."

"What? We just woke up," the taller woman respnded and turned around eventually, seeing that Piper's hand was already on the door knob of her front door. "Are you running away from me?"

"No!" Piper stated, her answer falling a bit too fast from her lips. "No, I just forgot that I had this appointment."

"Okay." Alex nodded her head understandingly, but she wasn't blind. "And what's the truth? Is this about Nicky's call? What did she say to you?"

"This has nothing to do with Nicky."

"What did she want from you then, if you don't mind my asking?"

Piper had been avoiding her green gaze until she explained, "She just let me know that she booked a seat for me… for your tournament."

"And that's why you're so _distraught_?"

"I'm just really late, that's all. It's an important appointment."

 _Lie._

"Okay."

A false smile appeared on Piper's face, and Alex couldn't see clearer.

"It won't take long but I hope that _Pussy_ won't have starved to death when I'll be back. Also, we need to find a place where she can stay when we'll be in Las Vegas."

"I'll take care of it," Alex assured her and, for the very first time, had her eyes open when Piper kissed her.

The door shut. She left. The lies stayed.

 _Don't tell me about the rules and break them  
_ _And don't tell me about mistakes  
_ _And make the same ones I have made before  
_ _Don't say you love me more_

 _Better not say it  
_ _I met her at church  
_ _But she could be Satan_

 _You treat all the rules like you're the queen  
_ _But you and I are few and far between_

 _Don't say you love me more_

* * *

 _Time to meet the Devil_

She hated lying to Alex. But sometimes, even people like her who always did the right thing, had no choice. And that nightmare was still gripping her to the marrow. Nevertheless, she loved Alex and, as she was standing in this back alley, others might say that she loved Alex too much. There was nothing she wasn't willing to do for her. There was nobody who could stop her from loving her, not even Alex. That was why she didn't even consider turning around and going back to Alex's safe place. She needed her medicine.

After Nicky had called and told her that she would no longer be able to provide for her with methadone, Piper refused to waste any time and took matters in her hands, hands that used to be clean and chaste. After all, love was the trigger for her actions so how wrong could they be.

She had called one of the models she was working with who gave her the number for the person she was about to meet. Although Alex's eyes had given her away and let Piper feel the brunette's disbelief, she hadn't been able to tell Alex that she was going to meet a drug dealer. Sometimes, lies were necessary to replace the truth in order not to lose things, or people. Also, Piper hadn't really lied to her. Instead, she had kept the truth from her. Of course it didn't change the fact that the model had made a mistake. She knew that.

Her secrets were weapons she used to fight for herself and Alex, for a future together, for a life together. Lately, things have been going well for them, at least better than they used to be. And Piper was afraid. In her mind, they were threading on thin ice together. Only one small crack and the cold world would steal their breath again. The mere thought of it sent shivers up and down Piper's spine. All she wanted was to be happy, with Alex. That was everything she was asking for.

"Are you Piper?"

It was a deep voice, yet it was incomparable to Alex's. It didn't possess any warmth.

"Yes," she replied and turned around, seeing a big silhouette walking up to her.

Although the summer was slowly ending, it wasn't the cold breeze that was making her flesh crawl. This man was from a world she wished to never see Alex enter again.

"Follow me," he ordered without revealing his face as he stayed hidden in the dark.

The blonde obeyed and they reached a dark car. But no doubt crossed her mind when she got into it, joining the dealer in the backseat of the SUV.

"You don't look like a druggie," he commented suddenly, and when Piper looked at him, she was surprised to see his face.

His pale skin was contradictory to his dark eyes that would have looked black if they hadn't been so worn out. For a second, she wondered what those eyes have seen, and if Alex has seen the same.

"So, what do you want?"

Despite the lifeless tone in his voice, Piper looked into his eyes when she said, "Methadone."

"We're out of methadone."

"Do you know someone who can sell me methadone?"

Although it was a short moment, Piper swore that she could see his eyes glint. Eventually, he cleared his throat and explained, "Listen, lady. No offense, but, I don't think you know how this works. If we ain't got no methadone, nobody got no methadone. The whole city is sold out."

"When will it be available again?"

She had heard his words, but she refused to hear them.

"I don't know. Days, months, weeks-"

"Fine. How much?"

"How much what?"

"How much money do you want."

There was no price she wasn't going pay.

"Lady," he chuckled lightly, but his intention wasn't to mock her. "This ain't about money. You know how hard it is to get those pills?"

"No, I certainly don't, because that's your job, not mine."

"Why don't you just start using again, huh? It's easier, and I've got some really fine china white."

"It's not for me."

She didn't know why, but for some reason these words had urged to come out. But she could see that he understood.

"Yeah, I can tell."

When he was just holding her gaze, Piper sighed as she realised that her hands were tied. So she nodded her head and put her hand on the door handle.

"I might not have no methadone but… I've got something better."

As if she had burned herself, she let go of the door instantly and turned to him.

"What is it?"

"Suboxone," he stated and added, "it's the best for smackheads."

Without blinking an eye, Piper said, "Fine."

"Next Tuesday, same time, same place."

"Next Tuesday? That's gonna be in a week."

"Correct."

"I can't wait that long."

"Lady, we're no Hermes. Most people have to wait at least a month."

"I'll need it this Thursday."

Again, he only snickered, but a bit louder this time. "Lady."

"I'll pay twice as much."

The model saw how he let his head fall against the headrest of his seat, letting out a sigh. "Friday night. Same place."

"Thursday night. Same place."

"Lady, I'm not fucking with you-"

"You better not be fucking with me."

Another rusty chuckle, and this time, Piper knew that he was mocking her.

"Friday. 12 PM. Same place."

"8 AM."

"Enough is enough, lady. I'll be here on Friday at noon. And you better be here with some dinero."

"Sure," Piper spoke, with a tone that almost sounded condescending.

Yet, she still couldn't leave as he said, "500 bucks."

"For what?"

"Consider it a deposit. Plus, I never sell to strangers usually."

In response, the blonde only scoffed and reached into her handbag, pulling out some dollar bills out of her purse. Holding them out to him, she asked, "Are we done?"

"For now."

She stepped out and turned around when he pulled down the window and yelled, "Yo, you gotta be careful with this shit. Keep the doses low. It's hard."

Although she got out of the car eventually, the rope she has been feeling around her throat didn't slacken. But she loved Alex. She did this for her. Closing a deal with the devil.

 _Please, I'll do anything. I will do everything._

 _Please, if you love me_

* * *

Before she was sitting in her a car in front of Alex's building, she had been at her own place. At first, she had decided to stay there. She had been sure that she wouldn't bear to look into emerald eyes tonight. But neither would she bare to face her demons tonight. Therefore she stepped outside and approached Alex's home, their home.

When she came in, the brunette greeted her in an instant. "There you are."

"Hey," was Piper's response as she closed the door behind her and was headed to the bedroom.

She dropped her bag and went to the bathroom. After she had changed her clothes and brushed her teeth, she opened the door and her eyes landed on Alex who was sitting on the edge of the bedside, the cat sprawled over her lap.

"Guess what?" Alex asked whilst her hand was moving through black fur.

Piper was still standing in the doorway when she answered, "What?"

"Pussy is more of a pussy eater."

Not knowing what the other woman was getting at, Piper tilted her head to the side, a confused expression on her face.

"I took him to a vet. He has a dick."

"Alex," Piper scoffed but failed to suppress a giggle.

"Did you just chuckle?"

No matter how dark her nights would be, Alex was her moon. Staring at her, seeing this young look on her ivory-kissed face, she walked up to her. "Yes, accidentally."

Eventually, it faded away, a bit too quickly, and Piper knew what was coming.

"Are you feeling better?"

"I'm tired," she told her, burying her secrets even deeper.

"Hm."

Piper gave her a smile and moved to the side of her bed to lie down. Her blue gaze fixed on the ceiling, she heard the woman next to her say, "Yeah, I bet it must be exhausting to be this good-looking."

Again, the model chuckled but it was too empty. Alex put the cat down before she turned to her and spoke up. "So we're not going to talk about it?"

"What do you mean?"

"About earlier, how you stormed out of my apartment, remember?"

"I was just running late."

"Ah. For what?"

"Al, is this an interrogation?" the blonde questioned, shooting a glance at her.

"No, I'm just your girlfriend who wants to know what's going on with you."

"Nothing. I'm fine."

Silence.

Alex shook her head as she was having a tough time with the blonde. Sometimes, she wondered if Piper forgot how blue her eyes were. Maybe then she would know that they were too blue to cover any secrets. However, Piper was too stubborn. So Alex said, "Come on. There's something I need to show you."

When Piper just gave her a look, she stood up and dragged the other woman with her who complained, "Alex, please, it's late."

"Yeah yeah."

The raven-haired woman led them into the kitchen, and Piper noticed the huge plastic bag on top of the counters.

"Open it," Alex told her, nodding her head towards it.

When Piper did as she had been told, her eyes fell on multiple baggies that were full of powder and pills. She couldn't tell if the smell or the sight disgusted her more. While Piper was staring at Alex's eventual death sentence, the brunette was standing behind her and explained, "I wanted to throw them away but… I couldn't."

In an instant, Piper looked at her over her shoulder.

"I figured it'd be better if we threw them away together."

As quickly as Piper's nightmares intoxicated her mind, they disappeared again. Alex stepped up to her and intertwined their fingers. "Are you with me?"

"For always," Piper replied, and only Alex's husky chuckle made her aware of her verbal error. "Shit, I didn't know if I should say always or forever."

Alex's laughter echoed through the room, filling every space with a lust for life.

"Stop laughing."

But the brunette didn't listen and grabbed the giant bag instead. "Come on, kid."

Piper put on a robe before they went outside, finally getting rid of Alex's poison.

* * *

"My mum will take care of him when we'll be in Vegas."

"We need a new name for him, don't you think?"

"I still don't know what's so wrong with Pussy."

"Al. No."

"All right, all right. What about Richard?"

"No."

"Dick?"

"Hell no."

"You don't know jack," Alex retorted while she was running her hand through golden hair.

They were in bed, Piper lying on top of her with her head turned to the side. Alex just watched her silently until she felt her eyes getting heavier. But sleep wouldn't find her if they kept those things unsaid between them.

So she cleared her throat. "Speaking of Vegas, we will have to leave a bit earlier. Our plane takes off on Thursday night."

Swiftly, Piper rose her head and looked at the woman beneath her. "But the tournament will begin on Saturday. I thought we were going to leave on Friday."

"Yeah, that's what I thought, too. But Red called me and she said she'd need us there on Friday."

"You."

"Huh?"

"She needs you there on Friday."

"So?" Alex questioned, arching an eyebrow.

"Al, I can't go with you. I will have another appointment on Friday."

"I thought you talked to your agent?"

"I did."

All of a sudden, the black-haired woman let out a dead chuckle, shaking her head as she muttered, "I can't fucking believe this."

"Alex, it's important."

"So important that you can't talk about?"

The blonde propped herself up on her elbows, looking down at Alex with piercing eyes. "It's a bit hypocritical, don't you think? You don't want me to lie to you or to keep things from you and yet, you're the one who breaks those rules."

"It's nothing, okay?"

"Sure."

Then Alex looked away, making it hard for Piper to breathe. For a moment, she just stared at her while she was looking for the right things to say. But this time, it was Alex who found them.

"She asked me about you, you know? My mum… She really likes you."

"I like her, too."

Eventually, green eyes shot up at her and Piper took a deep breath to swallow the lump in her throat. "Do you know who gave me the methadone?"

Alex's response caught her off guard. "Nicky?"

"How'd you know?"

"Oh please, Pipes, you do loads of debatable things but meeting real drug dealers isn't one of them," the black-haired woman chuckled, and for a second, Piper was paranoid.

"So, that's why Nicky called you? It was about the methadone?"

"Yeah," Piper admitted, tearing her gaze away so Alex wouldn't catch the lies in her eyes. "She said that she couldn't get anymore methadone but, she got me something else."

"What is it?"

"Suboxone."

"Suboxone? How the fuck did she get that? Last thing I know people checked the whole east coast to find some Suboxone."

"Well, she's truly a best friend."

And she was a true liar.

When she saw real astonishment in Alex's eyes, she quickly added, "But don't make a big fuss about it. She doesn't want you to know that she's pretty much my drug dealer."

Her words made Alex laugh, and Piper studied her face, the way her eyes squinted and how she was throwing her head back. The blonde joined her laughter, because she was finally able to take a deep breath. The rope wasn't so tight anymore. She buried her face in the crook of her neck and could feel how the world stopped spinning.

"See, was that really so hard?"

"Says the one who never wants to talk about anything," the model replied and rose her head when Alex stated, "Because there are so many better things we can use our mouths for."

Her cerulean eyes flickered to Alex's lips. "Like what?"

However, the brunette didn't lean in. Instead, she smiled, and it was a smile that only Piper was meant to see. One that was only meant for her. "I love you, Piper."

And eventually, that rope bursted, and her tainted lungs filled with fresh air. Her index and middle finger were trailing over Alex's cheekbone, as she was staring into her jade-green eyes.

"I love you more."

* * *

 _Long time, no upload... I'm still alive, though (obviously). I thought I'd bless you with a little surprise before all of us will pretty much die tomorrow._

 _Happy season 5 watching._

 _Thank you all for still riding with me. If you guys stay, I stay, too_


End file.
